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family issues and kid with ADHD, sensory issues and Aspergers


leeannpal
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I have an issue that I don't really know how to deal with. My daughter has the diagnoses in the title. She is the only grandchild with these issues although I suspect one of my nieces will have an ADHD diagnosis later. The problem is that my parents, sisters and BIL dont "believe" in these diagnoses and think my husband and I don't parent her right. Case in point, at Thanksgiving, my early teen daughter had a meltdown over sensory issues at the big family gathering. This caused my sister to say some not so nice things about my family. The rest of the family then jumped on us so that we left soon after. When she was younger and cuter, they tolerated her, but now they think she should just get over it. We also had an incident this summer in which my sister hurt my daughter's feelings. And, yes, she knew she did because my daughter started crying. I got upset and defended my daughter and now my parents and one sister are telling me that we are causing problems in the family! My sister was clearly at fault, but she is also the golden child. I know I need to keep my daughter from my toxic family, but my daughter really loves her cousins. She is an only child and gets lonely. Her other grandmother and cousins live 2000 miles away. At this point I don't want to be around my family, but I feel bad keeping her from her cousins. Anyone else go through something like this?

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:grouphug:

 

I have a similar issue with my family.  We are not close, and there aren't same-age cousins involved, so it's not quite the same. But one of my kids doesn't like being around some of our family members because they just don't understand (or make any attempt to) sensory issues and are apt to make stupid/insensitive/mean comments.

 

Jean's idea is a good one.  Can you get the cousins together without parents?  

 

ETA: Ah, I saw your update after I posted.  Are there friends she can spend more time with?

 

Edited by marbel
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I'm sorry family doesn't understand your dd. You may need to set-up the next visit with structure for your dd. Perhaps staying at a hotel, shorter chunks of time with extended family, inviting cousins to go "with" your family places, etc.

 

It sounds like she needs support to help her in those difficult situations. Try to find coping strategies she can implement. If she can learn to sense when things are becoming overwhelming, she could share a code word with you. Then, you could.....xyz, whatever it is she needs to help her through it. 

 

You probably need to work on not letting your family set you off - so difficult I know! You'll be able to handle situations much better if you are able to stay calm. It's also easier to leave quickly when you're not fighting. If you know they are against the way you parent, you can visit with your guard up. I'm sorry you have to do that. Sigh. 

Edited by Jaz
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Technology will be a big help for keeping up with the cousins. I think my kids are closer to some friends of ours who live elsewhere than their IRL friends because of this. Encourage FaceTime and chatting. If you travel to the area, meet up somewhere without the parents or where you can keep her away from the adults.

 

You're doing the right thing by protecting your daughter. Never doubt that. :grouphug:

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Honestly, I stopped going to family gatherings and I live 1 mile from my parents, 3 miles from my brother and 20 miles from my sister and sister in law. 

 

Limiting contact, even as my 2E has entered adulthood has been a bit painful and sad to me, but it's been very good overall. Family events, especially holidays were just pressure situations. Now, we have Thanksgiving on our own or with our neighbors who are cool with us. 

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Until they can accept your daughter for who she is, you will have to limit contact. We quit going to family events because they were just too stressful for our son with the same issues. Small gatherings, limited time frame, getting out when your child indicates they are overwhelmed and had enough will help. We don't do big family events for holidays, choosing to spend time when the whole family won't be there, One on one with grandparents or one on one with cousins would work better. Staying in a hotel rather than at the home of relative gives you and your child an out and time to recoup. Plan with your kiddo in mind and don't expect her to fit into others plans.

 

Share books and thoughts with your parents and sister. They need to educated themselves and realize your child's temperament isn't going to change. Yes, she will need to learn how to handle sensory issues, but they also need to learn to accept unconditionally who she is.

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Oh wow. I'm sorry this is happening. It's tough because your child is a teenager & with that will come certain judgements when our kids fall outside of normal behaviors. When your daughter had a meltdown from sensory overload, how did you and your husband respond? What expectations do you have on your family when she has a meltdown? And these aren't snarky - genuinely asking to help think things through with you. When I worked as a social worker we focused on prevention, game plans, and expectations (child, parents, outsiders). So I hope you don't mind my questions.

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