Really lonely pre-teen

[bethben]

 

 

We've lived here for just over two years. My 12 year old is attending a homeschool program once a week and has made some friends there. Many of his buddies live far away - like 30 miles far away. The church youth group is excellent for his 16 year old brother and has one boy in the junior high age group. I have an adult child in a wheelchair so it is not easy for me to run to a lot of activities.

 

The issue is this. My 12 year old is very lonely. REALLY lonely. Most homeschool activities run during the day and I feel like that is the time when he needs to focus on his actual school subjects because of a lot of reasons that can't change at this point. We need after school activities and because he's not a sports guy, that becomes very limiting. I am considering putting him in the 3 days a week Christian/ homeschool program or even our nearby charter school only because of his loneliness. He does great with homeschooling otherwise and prefers it. He is very selective with friends and is a loner by nature which he doesn't mind too much overall, but I honestly think he's getting depressed. I have no idea what to do. It's actually becoming a problem. DH is a "non-decision" kind of guy. Usually what happens is that I make a decision and he just goes along with it. I've been begging him to help me figure this out and he basically says, "I don't know what to do either" and that's the end of it, leaving me with the decision basically. He's a good dad, he just gets overwhelmed with work stuff and doesn't think about issues at home too much.

[Loesje22000]

In our case I had to learn that I may think dd is lonely, but have to check she feels really lonely.

Dd has to do some things outside and in her case it is:

- art lessons

- choir

- folkdance

- catechism

 

It could have been:

- chess

- music lessons

- (something to move that counts as PE)

- catechism

too.

 

Everything she attends is not homeschool or school related.

We live in a bicycle area so she cycles to her activities

 

When dd was 12 she was sometimes depressed too, it became better this year when dd found a cousin back as 'best friend'

[Peaceful Isle]

My 13 year old has to be busy with activities, or she has the tendency to be very lonely as well. I think personality has a lot to do with it as well.

 

There is that balance and mom guilt that goes into it, so I feel your pain here. :( Maybe you could allow more activities during the day, just for this one year. Take a simplistic approach to his schooling and see if the activities makes a difference in the way he feels.

I don't know. I struggle too so I guess I'm just here saying.. I understand.

[Guest]

Hugs! Loneliness is nothing to shake a stick at, and when it's our kids it's heartbreaking.

 

What about... Could you have anyone over to your house like every other week? A movie night at your house for his friends? Games or book club?

 

Are there Facebook pages for your local area where you could ask around for ideas?

[foxbridgeacademy]

If it were me I'd pare school down to just the very basics and then join in some of the daytime activities.  If there's still not enough time on school or it doesn't work out because of other children then yeah, I'd send him to the Christian school, and we're atheists.  We considered a non-denominational place when DD first was experiencing anxiety but wanted socialization (its that 10-14 age range). Smaller classes and teachers that aren't hampered by the one size fits all mentality (usually). 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Hugs! Loneliness is nothing to shake a stick at, and when it's our kids it's heartbreaking.

 

What about... Could you have anyone over to your house like every other week? A movie night at your house for his friends? Games or book club?

 

Are there Facebook pages for your local area where you could ask around for ideas?

 

 

If getting out of the house is an issue, I second the idea of making your house the place to be!  

 

In the past, we have hosted a science club and a book club, and right now I am doing Instant Challenge Summer, using ideas from Destination Imagination Instant Challenges to host 9-10 kids once a week for the challenges.  

[MinivanMom]

If you observe that your son is really lonely and headed toward depression, then you should trust your mommy-instinct on this. Depression is serious, and even quiet guys need contact with other teens on a regular basis. Sometimes quiet kids are happy with their one or two close friends, but sometimes quiet kids need more face-time with peers in order to build those relationships in the first place. And having a few close friends doesn't help if they live so far away that it's hard to get together.

 

I remember your other posts about the transition with your special-needs son coming home full-time, so I'm not going to suggest that you just need to dig deep and find the time to ____ (run-around to more activities, host people to your house, sign your guy up for more activities, etc). Sometimes full-time homeschooling just isn't working at a particular season or for a particular child, and special-needs definitely throws a huge wrench into life. Go ahead and make whatever changes your son needs so that he isn't "really lonely." 

 

Since you say that he is doing well with homeschooling and prefers it, I would lean toward the 3-day a week homeschooling program over the charter school. But I wouldn't let things just continue as they are. Have you talked this over with your son? What does he think about the situation?

[bethben]

 

What about... Could you have anyone over to your house like every other week? A movie night at your house for his friends? Games or book club?

 

Are there Facebook pages for your local area where you could ask around for ideas?

 

I am checking the local Facebook page.  There is a lot of little kid stuff which drops as soon as the homeschoolers become teens - much like many other homeschool groups.  He has no real friends that he even desires to have over.  I've asked him if he wants neighborhood friends and he does.  I just have no way to figure out where they are.  I am checking to see if the local Charter school will let him participate in a robotics group.  IMO, he really just needs to be around people a little more often.  He's becoming a little strange in some ways and I don't want his adult life to be harder than it has to be.

[bethben]

If you observe that your son is really lonely and headed toward depression, then you should trust your mommy-instinct on this. Depression is serious, and even quiet guys need contact with other teens on a regular basis. Sometimes quiet kids are happy with their one or two close friends, but sometimes quiet kids need more face-time with peers in order to build those relationships in the first place. And having a few close friends doesn't help if they live so far away that it's hard to get together.

 

 

Since you say that he is doing well with homeschooling and prefers it, I would lean toward the 3-day a week homeschooling program over the charter school. But I wouldn't let things just continue as they are. Have you talked this over with your son? What does he think about the situation?

 

I've asked him what he wants.  I've suggested going to school full time.  He just doesn't want to spend the time all day in school.  He'd rather just get stuff done and not have to be on someone else's schedule.  He doesn't talk about the social aspect - he just doesn't want to have to be there all day.   He's not hard to homeschool, but this coming school year, he will be my only homeschooler. His sister is going to the charter school and his 16 year old brother is going to the community college.  It will be me, him, and his non-verbal oldest brother.

[Arcadia]

My local YMCAs runs Lego robotics classes in the early evening time slots. Those are rather popular for socializing before and after class. Actually my local YMCAs has many after school activities like martial arts, kids dancercise, and others.

 

My DS12 is introvert supposedly but lights up at camp. My husband is finally considering paying up for speech and debate class/camp. He is also not into sports or group music activities, and is even more quiet the more we homeschool. He is already quirky and getting quirkier. The plan was to put him back into B&M for high school for the social aspect.

[athomeontheprairie]

Another idea, that I didn't see mentioned...

We live rural, regardless of where we find friends they are at least 30 miles away. So I understand. Texting has really helped my dd12. And email. Her best friend moved away two years ago, but they "talk" weekly, if not daily.

It isn't the same as hanging out irl regularly, but it helped with the loneliness.

[...................]

I would put him in the 3 day per eeek at least. I have a dear friend that had an outgoing boy turn more and more inward from lack of friends and now he has complete, diagnosable social anxiety disorder because of the extremely limited opportunities do socialize. He does attend youth group every week and has online friends (friends that moved away) but I think there's a point at which you know there's an issue and you have to take action.

 

:) I'm all for getting creative in order to homeschool , but it looks like you've already exhausted a lot of possibilities.

 

And unlike the thread earlier this week where the mom had an only child and wanted to take on more work, your son is much older and at an age where dropping off at a YMCA after school program is not possible.

[bethben]

I would put him in the 3 day per eeek at least. I have a dear friend that had an outgoing boy turn more and more inward from lack of friends and now he has complete, diagnosable social anxiety disorder because of the extremely limited opportunities do socialize. He does attend youth group every week and has online friends (friends that moved away) but I think there's a point at which you know there's an issue and you have to take action.

 

:) I'm all for getting creative in order to homeschool , but it looks like you've already exhausted a lot of possibilities.

 

And unlike the thread earlier this week where the mom had an only child and wanted to take on more work, your son is much older and at an age where dropping off at a YMCA after school program is not possible.

 

The biggest problem with the 3 day that I have is that while I would put him in for the social aspect of just being around people 3 days a week, the curriculum is very classical (Omnibus, art of argument, Latin, Classical Writing).  I'm concerned that the curriculum itself would crush him a bit because while I think he "could" do it, I don't think he would enjoy it AT ALL.  He's more of a mechanical/ imaginative kid.  

I am trying to talk to a live person (which seems to be very difficult for some weird reason) so that I can ask what their take is on the curriculum.

[Farrar]

Since he's the only kid you're homeschooling next year, I think I would pare down the academics and do some of the daytime stuff unless there are logistical reasons that you can't. I wondered if maybe it's too hard on your non-verbal son for some reason?

 

I'm nearly always against sending a child to middle school. Because... I'm a former middle school teacher. But I'd think about. I'd think about high school for sure.

[MinivanMom]

I've asked him what he wants.  I've suggested going to school full time.  He just doesn't want to spend the time all day in school.  He'd rather just get stuff done and not have to be on someone else's schedule.  He doesn't talk about the social aspect - he just doesn't want to have to be there all day.   He's not hard to homeschool, but this coming school year, he will be my only homeschooler. His sister is going to the charter school and his 16 year old brother is going to the community college.  It will be me, him, and his non-verbal oldest brother.

 

That's really lonely to be just him and the oldest at home all day. I think I'd look really seriously into the 3-day a week classical. If it's going to be an overwhelming amount of work then it's probably a no-go. But if the workload is reasonable, then he can add in the creative, mechanical stuff at home.

 

The other option would be the charter school, and I really think that could also be a positive choice for his circumstances. When he says that he "doesn't want to have to be there all day", is that a passionate resistance to the idea of full-time school or is it more a resistance to change? My quiet kid will sometimes resist social things when she is actually needing (and secretly wanting) a bit of a push. I could picture her just disappearing into herself if she was alone all day without her siblings and without the social opportunities she gets at ballet & church. Quiet kids sometimes need more support and more opportunities in order to build those friendships. 

[...................]

The biggest problem with the 3 day that I have is that while I would put him in for the social aspect of just being around people 3 days a week, the curriculum is very classical (Omnibus, art of argument, Latin, Classical Writing). I'm concerned that the curriculum itself would crush him a bit because while I think he "could" do it, I don't think he would enjoy it AT ALL. He's more of a mechanical/ imaginative kid.

I am trying to talk to a live person (which seems to be very difficult for some weird reason) so that I can ask what their take is on the curriculum.

Can you consider the full time charter? Is it by a lottery system?

 

Can you pare down academics, reorder them, and make daytime a possibility for hanging out, going to events, co-ops, etc.?

Edited July 25, 2017 by Calming Tea

[...................]

I have seen moms with only children really make it work, but it does take a lot of creativity, and the two I happen to know, were girls.  

 

Boys tend to bond in different ways, and have to generally just be involved in group activities..  If you could find a co-op where he could go all day, plus a club such as chess and robotics, plus youth group at your local non denominational church, it's OK if he doesn't have a "best friend" at any of these - it takes a long time but he could start feeling part of the group, having memories and bonds as they "do stuff" together.  

 

For example last school year my son did Math Club (once every other week), Swimming 5x per week and Robotics once per week every Friday March-May.  And he also did Sunday School which was somewhat interactive.  He did ALL of his school at home through Calvert...but between the different scheduled activities it was great.  He also skyped his far-away friend now and then of course.  But I don't count that as full social time :) 

 

So, if your son could have a sport he could go to 4-5 times per week, that would be great.  Swimming is one where you can start late and be fairly successful pretty quickly. And since they have C, B and A times there's always a goal to work towards, even for the new swimmers.  Then if you just add two clubs and youth group to that, you could have him out of the house 7-8 times per week. which is about right.  Attending swim meets is a good way to eventually meet a buddy as they are stuck there for 6 hours :) 

 

Another sport that usually has high attendance, and marked acheivement bars so that beginners aren't left out is any type of martial art.  He may THINK he doesn't like sports, but if he never tried martial arts he may change his mind.  It's a very exciting, positive atmosphere and perfect for many boys who are just hitting puberty. And again, though it takes time, that camaraderie WILL eventually come with attendance, and after a while he will feel he really belongs. :)  Obviously he has to give it 6 months or so but it'll happen.

 

I would say, if you're willing to beat the pavement, with wheelchair in tow, you could make homeschooling work. 

 

If not the charter or 3 day is a great option and there may be many advantages :)

[bethben]

Part of the problem is - my husband doesn't seem to think there is an issue.  When I bring up that he doesn't have friends, dh says how he would call a bunch of friends in the summer and during the school year and no one could play.  When I bring up ds seems depressed, he mentions how a lot of kids that age are depressed about something or other also.  When I bring up how I'm concerned that he is starting not to even care if he talks to anyone in public, dh says "He's always been a little quirky".  What he fails to see is that even during the summer, dh was constantly doing sport camps.  He went to public school and did baseball and soccer year round.  Ds has NO social opportunities right now other than the one day a week charter which starts in a couple of weeks.  Our church doesn't offer Sunday School, the junior high youth group doesn't exist, and he has no interest in sports.  He has NOTHING!

[eternalsummer]

I would make a go of the 3 day a week co-op.

[...................]

I don't understand why it matters what your dh thinks, unless he is absolutely opposed to you enrolling him in this or that, just do it.

 

My dh hates talking about my worries, EVEN when they are about the children he loves so dearly.  He tends to dismiss them because honestly, I worry more than I should anyway, AND he's tired and has his own concerns....not that he never enters in, but IMO if you're the mom and the homeschooler, it's your job to figure out how to socialize your son and I don't know why you're even bringing it up with your dh (unless as I said, he is opposed to more activities)...I find that most husbands and wives function best when each one is strong, independent, capable, and that they take care of their end with little fuss from the other one.  

 

Sign your ds up for whatever you think will help him, if you think you can get there.  Or, send him to charter school...obviously it's a possibility for your family sicne you already have a kid there, dh must not be opposed to it.  :)

[Peaceseeker]

 

 

I would consider giving either the charter school or public school a trial run because I really take loneliness and depression pretty seriously, especially in the teen years. I take mental health at least as seriously as academics if not more. If he hates school he could always go back to homeschooling later. You could discuss it with him and let him know there is always the option to go back to homeschooling.

Edited July 25, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[bookbard]

Have you considered martial arts such as karate? You can start at any age and there seems to  be lots of social opportunities there. My kids are little, but chatting to older mums, many of them sent their teens to karate 5 days a week, they felt it was so good for them. 

[ElizabethB]

I would look into local First lego league, robotics, YMCA programs geared to geeky interests, and swimming and karate. Find a bunch of options and pick the one he likes the most. If you are in a state with rural areas, 4-H may also have some good geeky options.

 

We had trouble with my son breaking in here, he usually finds a ton of friends super fast, he found some friends at a 4-H first lego league. 4-H now offers a lot more than they used to, they have branched out from animals and sewing.

[stutterfish]

Would online courses or groups be an option? Obviously, outside groups would be the best option, but if logistics make those difficult, then online classes based on his interests that have forums and chat boxes can provide new sources of friends with similar interests.

 

If daytime groups are available, and do-able, then I would do my best to rearrange academic work to make those happen. If loneliness is setting in at age 12,imo it only gets worse as they get to 14...15...

 

Also, I'd make use of Skype and real-time apps to make sure he has regular scheduled contact with his longer distance friends. Could he go and stay with them one weekend a month? (I'd definitely put academics aside to enable this)

 

For me, my kids' mental health is top priority above anything else. Trust your gut,even if your dh doesn't think it's an issue.

Edited July 25, 2017 by stutterfish

[J-rap]

I'm sorry, it's so hard to see your child sad or lonely.   :grouphug: Is there community theater in your area, or some kind of theater class, etc.?  Several of my kids really got into theater starting around that age, and your ds reminds me a little of one of them.  It really opened up a whole new world for them, and they absolutely loved it.

 

Other than that, I would probably do most anything if he is appearing depressed.  Does he catch on to academics easily?  Maybe he'd end up loving the 3 day homeschool program with its new challenges.  Maybe new challenges would be good for him, plus he'd have the social aspect.  I wouldn't rule out the charter school either, especially if his other sibling is there.  You can always encourage him to give it a try for one year, and then he can choose to stay or come home next year.  He really won't know until he tries it.  It might be just the thing.

 

 

 

 

[MinivanMom]

Part of the problem is - my husband doesn't seem to think there is an issue.  When I bring up that he doesn't have friends, dh says how he would call a bunch of friends in the summer and during the school year and no one could play.  When I bring up ds seems depressed, he mentions how a lot of kids that age are depressed about something or other also.  When I bring up how I'm concerned that he is starting not to even care if he talks to anyone in public, dh says "He's always been a little quirky".  What he fails to see is that even during the summer, dh was constantly doing sport camps.  He went to public school and did baseball and soccer year round.  Ds has NO social opportunities right now other than the one day a week charter which starts in a couple of weeks.  Our church doesn't offer Sunday School, the junior high youth group doesn't exist, and he has no interest in sports.  He has NOTHING!

 

To me, this sounds like your husband does not have any personal experience with depression. That's okay. We all just have the experiences that we have. But you are clearly seeing a problem with your son, so if your husband is being dismissive (out of a lack of experience, not a lack of caring), then now is the time to simply take charge and make the decision that's best for your son.

 

No teen boy should be as isolated as you are describing. And I believe you when you say there isn't a junior high youth group or any peer group to organize homeschooling activities with . . . if you even had the time or energy to personally take that on when you have an adult special-needs child to care for. And some guys just aren't into sports. So you might not be helping with depression by trying to force him into a new activity at this age. But he can't continue to be isolated like this. Something needs to change.

 

So if I were in your shoes, I would be calling the 3-day per week program and the charter school to see which one has spaces and which hoops I needed to jump through to get registered for the fall. Go tour them both if you can and take ds along. One of these choices will work for your family and either of them is going to be better than being isolated at home with a non-verbal sibling and literally "NO social opportunities".

 

But depression is serious and needs to be taken seriously.

[MasaMama]

Does he know how to play chess? If so, you might want to look into chess tournaments. I don't know if it's regional, but there are chess tornaments on Saturdays in our area. So, they won't interefere with school work.

 

 

Edited July 25, 2017 by MasaMama

[Farrar]

Bethben, that sounds so very lonely. You're saying he's at a crossroads. I think you know you've got to compromise on something, whether it's giving in and doing the 3 day a week program, enrolling in the charter school, or loosening up the academics at home to make time for activities. You're the one who sees him all day and knows what he needs. If this was me, I'd just make the call without dh on this unless he was dead set against one of those things for some reason. It sounds like he just doesn't get it, not like he's standing in your and your son's way. Maybe you'd like him to be your sounding board and support on this, but for whatever reason, he's not emotionally there. But you can still make a change for your son.

[StephanieZ]

I'd suggest you reconsider your priorities wrt day time activities. 

 

Consider being willing to take a full day, or a couple part days, and dedicating them to whatever social outlets are available  . . .

 

Drop a subject if you need to. Or cut back on a couple subjects. 

 

Social relationships are important, as you know . . .

 

[fourisenough]

To me, this sounds like your husband does not have any personal experience with depression. That's okay. We all just have the experiences that we have. But you are clearly seeing a problem with your son, so if your husband is being dismissive (out of a lack of experience, not a lack of caring), then now is the time to simply take charge and make the decision that's best for your son.

 

No teen boy should be as isolated as you are describing. And I believe you when you say there isn't a junior high youth group or any peer group to organize homeschooling activities with . . . if you even had the time or energy to personally take that on when you have an adult special-needs child to care for. And some guys just aren't into sports. So you might not be helping with depression by trying to force him into a new activity at this age. But he can't continue to be isolated like this. Something needs to change.

 

So if I were in your shoes, I would be calling the 3-day per week program and the charter school to see which one has spaces and which hoops I needed to jump through to get registered for the fall. Go tour them both if you can and take ds along. One of these choices will work for your family and either of them is going to be better than being isolated at home with a non-verbal sibling and literally "NO social opportunities".

 

But depression is serious and needs to be taken seriously.

Beautifully said. I agree with every bit, especially the last sentence. Enroll this child in a program to give him a chance of developing some meaningful relationships (outside of his family). Edited July 25, 2017 by fourisenough

[scholastica]

You say he leans STEM. Doe he program or play video games. A lot of my ds 13's friends live a distance away. They "play" by getting on Skype and play together or chat while they parallel play. They play on Steam and Roblox mostly. Geometry Dash on Steam allows users to create levels, they create levels together or try each other's out. It's been a great way to hang out without all of us driving all over creation all the time. Do any of the kids he knows do these things?

[bethben]

You say he leans STEM. Doe he program or play video games. A lot of my ds 13's friends live a distance away. They "play" by getting on Skype and play together or chat while they parallel play. They play on Steam and Roblox mostly. Geometry Dash on Steam allows users to create levels, they create levels together or try each other's out. It's been a great way to hang out without all of us driving all over creation all the time. Do any of the kids he knows do these things?

 

We don't let him play online because he got addicted quickly to the point where he was sleeping 2-3 hours a night for a couple of months due to getting around parental blocks with time limits.  He really went the limit and even went through blood tests to find out why he was so sleepy all the time.  He's sneaky.  

 

If he gets into a homeschool program through a charter school that has some openings, it may very well be the answer long term for 8th grade and beyond.  He can take classes part time with other students - so basically a university model charter school.  It fills his desire to not be in school all the time and our desire for him to be around a regular set of kids.  Short term, we would still have to figure out, but long term, it would be great.  We shall see.  

[...................]

Let us know what happens, and how it goes!

[bethben]

My son got into the homeschool program through the charter school!  And, when he hits 8th grade, it's a university model type charter school.  He can take as few as two classes or as many as 5 depending upon how much we want to homeschool at that point.  The even better part is that today I went to the park with some other homeschool moms with whom I have a group.  I knew one of the boys was in the same program but didn't know which grade.  Turns out, this other boy who my son was hanging out with is in the same class!!  And they got along!!!  And they live less than 15 minutes away!  When he gets to the university model school, he has another friend possibility from this mom's group who he likes and gets along with well.  The very nice thing about this particular homeschool program is that the kids in this program live within a reasonable amount of driving time.  He can actually get together with other boys if he chooses and I don't have to even consider a 2 hour round trip drive.   I can't even explain how well God has answered this prayer of mine.  

[Lecka]

Wow, I'm so glad this is working out!!!!!!

[...................]

WOW Praise God!! Good job!!! You saw a need, thought about it, prayed about it, asked advice and moved in a timely manner for the good of your boy!! SO happy to hear this.

[lisabees]

Lonely kids break my heart.  I've had one.  What I did last summer was tell her to pick three new things that she wanted to try.  Summer was the perfect time to go to camps, take lessons etc in something new.

 

She thought about it earnestly and picked three things.  The first thing we tried was horseback riding.  She took a lesson and never tried the other two things!  She is at the barn five days a week, riding and working.  Twice this week, she had a bunch of friends over for dinner and hanging out.  They made plans for tomorrow night. I cannot express how joyful that makes me.

 

Try it out. 

 

Three new things.  

 

Hugs Mom and congrats on the charter school!

[MinivanMom]

I am so glad it worked out!

[mommyoffive]

Oh wow it sounds just perfect.  

[SanDiegoMom]

So happy for you and your son!!

[Lilaclady]

Thats great that worked out. Praying for good and sustaining friendships for him at the charter program