Help me reframe this child's behavior

[JIN MOUSA]

DD6 is a typical firstborn, in that she has plenty of … leadership tendencies. Very strong, authoritarian leadership tendencies. The problem is that it drives me crazy to hear her telling her sister and brother what to do all the time. Even when the younger two are playing together, she has to jump in and tell them how to play.

 

I know that part of the issue is that this seems similar to how I was as a child (and for far too long as an adult). Everyone around me was incompetent and needed my help.

 

I really want to be able to see positives in this, and not just squash her personality. My go-to phrases with her are: 

"You're not in charge;" 

"Ask so-and-so if they WANT to (fill in the blank with whatever that moment's command is;" and 

"So-and-so is a PERSON and can choose what they want to do for themselves."

 

Any ideas?

 

[Farrar]

Can you emphasize her knowledge and wisdom to her but remind her that she got there on her own and they will too? You can even make it a bonding thing where you two together know how to tie shoes/put on a coat/stack up the blocks/climb the slide/etc etc but you're letting them learn and join you in your club of wisdom one day. Like, always lead with affirming her smarts and knowledge, but then emphasizing the importance of others taking their own time to get there.

 

Also, does she have any situations where she's on the younger end? That might be good for her to experience as well - like a park day or a class or even just a friendship or a family she sees where she's the younger, less wise one.

[purpleowl]

"Have you listened to what your siblings are saying?" (add "with their words and with their bodies," if appropriate)

 

"It's okay for them to play that way, even if it's not the way you'd prefer."

 

"You played that way when you were littler, too. Sometimes they don't play the way you'd prefer because they're not quite old enough to understand that way of playing."

 

Of course, there's always, "If you can't figure out how to play without upsetting your siblings, I'll be happy to give you a cleaning job to do instead." ;)

[stutterfish]

How about encouraging her to play games where she has to be led or instructed by someone else, or games that involve teamwork? (e.g. doing a homemade obstacle course blindfolded while taking instruction from another child, or assembling a small Lego model or recreating a picture that she can't see from another child's instructions.) Being vulnerable (blindfold) in a fun, safe environment can allow a child experience what it's like to trust others, to not be in control all.the.time.

 

Is she a perfectionist? Does she get the chance to play with other (older? More knowledgeable? More skilled?) children?

 

You say that this has been an aspect of your character, too, so is it possible that she is mimicking subtle signals in your behaviour, without either of you realising. I have one child who has always been sensitive to picking up on my habits: it took me ages to realise their behaviour is often a mirror of my own words and actions.

 

The oldest child will naturally have a different experience of life and responsibilities than their younger siblings. Older children also get our full intense, unpractised, parenting focus in those first few years and are therefore more likely to pick up our character traits and habits, lol. Younger siblings get us, diluted, and a good dose of healthy neglect. :)

 

She's young and it might just be an annoying phase that she grows out of. However, you're right to anticipate that you might need to gently temper it for social cooperation and sibling harmony - there's a difference between being a leader and just being plain bossy, lol. :)

Edited July 22, 2017 by stutterfish

[Katy]

I give a warning and follow up with a timeout if a kid insists on controlling every aspect of siblings play.  Also, watch for other signs of anxiety: the need to control everything can also be a sign of that.

[mytwomonkeys]

My daughter did this... well, still does this to her brother. When my son was little he would yell, "STOP CO-PARENTING ME!!" When she was little I'd just remind her that I've got it under control and that her daddy was my co-parent, not her (thus my son's reaction). Nowadays she will still say something but the dynamic has shifted. They're teenagers now & I leave them home alone. If my son is being a slob - she's going to call him out. And I'm totally cool with that.

[nixpix5]

This is my daughter too. She loves to be in charge. I had to come along side her and teach her to listen first and respond with some basic scripted language we practiced. I began requiring from her for a time to first ask what her siblings thought and to listen actively. Then respond with "I hear you want to..." then when she puts in her ideas she says "I would like to include..." or "can we..." and sometimes they vote or rock paper scissors it. It has worked well. She has really increased her active listening skills. We talk a lot about being a leader meaning being a servant to those you are trying to lead. I also tell her we have two ears and one mouth for a reason ;)

[Anne in CA]

She really does need to be able to use these skills positively. A friend whose dd was/ is like this was helped a lot with sports. Being on teams really helped her a lot. Positive coaching that there is a time and place to be in charge helped a little. I was like this to a point (although I considered myself wayyyy too important to influence the play of my younger siblings, lol), and people just squished it out of me and I had a couple of lonely elementary school years before I made positive changes. That may not work for a home schooled child, and probably it doesn't work for lots of public school children either. 

[JIN MOUSA]

Can you emphasize her knowledge and wisdom to her but remind her that she got there on her own and they will too? You can even make it a bonding thing where you two together know how to tie shoes/put on a coat/stack up the blocks/climb the slide/etc etc but you're letting them learn and join you in your club of wisdom one day. Like, always lead with affirming her smarts and knowledge, but then emphasizing the importance of others taking their own time to get there.

 

Also, does she have any situations where she's on the younger end? That might be good for her to experience as well - like a park day or a class or even just a friendship or a family she sees where she's the younger, less wise one.

 

We frequently hang out with a couple of other families who each have a child nearly the same age as her, and I think that is helpful. Her and Other Girl are friends and enjoy each other, but have gotten into some tiffs over who is in charge. Other Girl's mom and I are really good friends and both think it's helpful for them to realize that not everyone responds the way younger siblings do. Incidentally, Other Girl's mom and I are also both firstborns ... talk about the apple(s) not falling far from the tree(s)  :lol:  

 

But with older kids, she does not have a ton of exposure to that - add it to my list of things to work on ...

 

"Have you listened to what your siblings are saying?" (add "with their words and with their bodies," if appropriate)

 

"It's okay for them to play that way, even if it's not the way you'd prefer."

 

"You played that way when you were littler, too. Sometimes they don't play the way you'd prefer because they're not quite old enough to understand that way of playing."

 

Of course, there's always, "If you can't figure out how to play without upsetting your siblings, I'll be happy to give you a cleaning job to do instead." ;)

 

In theory, good; in reality, she loves cleaning and at times it's a challenge for me to come up with enough things for her to help with :)

 

 

How about encouraging her to play games where she has to be led or instructed by someone else, or games that involve teamwork? (e.g. doing a homemade obstacle course blindfolded while taking instruction from another child, or assembling a small Lego model or recreating a picture that she can't see from another child's instructions.) Being vulnerable (blindfold) in a fun, safe environment can allow a child experience what it's like to trust others, to not be in control all.the.time.

 

Is she a perfectionist? Does she get the chance to play with other (older? More knowledgeable? More skilled?) children?

 

You say that this has been an aspect of your character, too, so is it possible that she is mimicking subtle signals in your behaviour, without either of you realising. I have one child who has always been sensitive to picking up on my habits: it took me ages to realise their behaviour is often a mirror of my own words and actions.

 

The oldest child will naturally have a different experience of life and responsibilities than their younger siblings. Older children also get our full intense, unpractised, parenting focus in those first few years and are therefore more likely to pick up our character traits and habits, lol. Younger siblings get us, diluted, and a good dose of healthy neglect. :)

 

She's young and it might just be an annoying phase that she grows out of. However, you're right to anticipate that you might need to gently temper it for social cooperation and sibling harmony - there's a difference between being a leader and just being plain bossy, lol. :)

 

The bolded is a real possibility. I try so hard to fight it, but I'm not sure I'm always successful. 

 

I give a warning and follow up with a timeout if a kid insists on controlling every aspect of siblings play.  Also, watch for other signs of anxiety: the need to control everything can also be a sign of that.

 

Thanks for that heads up - not something I had ever considered before and certainly worth looking out for. 

 

This is my daughter too. She loves to be in charge. I had to come along side her and teach her to listen first and respond with some basic scripted language we practiced. I began requiring from her for a time to first ask what her siblings thought and to listen actively. Then respond with "I hear you want to..." then when she puts in her ideas she says "I would like to include..." or "can we..." and sometimes they vote or rock paper scissors it. It has worked well. She has really increased her active listening skills. We talk a lot about being a leader meaning being a servant to those you are trying to lead. I also tell her we have two ears and one mouth for a reason ;)

 

Yes, I'm thinking some more explicit leadership training may be in order. I really do love the idea of this though - it makes me think about how Marmee relates to Jo in Little Women, connecting with her over their mutual struggle with anger. Granted, my dd is only 6, so she certainly still needs me to be MOM, but discussing this some could help.

 

She really does need to be able to use these skills positively. A friend whose dd was/ is like this was helped a lot with sports. Being on teams really helped her a lot. Positive coaching that there is a time and place to be in charge helped a little. I was like this to a point (although I considered myself wayyyy too important to influence the play of my younger siblings, lol), and people just squished it out of me and I had a couple of lonely elementary school years before I made positive changes. That may not work for a home schooled child, and probably it doesn't work for lots of public school children either. 

 

Yes - I don't want my the message to come across as: "You're wrong. Stop."

[Lizzie in Ma]

Well, all I can tell you, as we never really did figure out how to handle this, is that our eldest did grow out of it and now uses her powers for good. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Guest]

It has been a long slog but I bang on the drum "It is OK to let people be wrong." and occasionally that is, "Let me rephrase. YOU MUST LET THEM BE WRONG."