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#201 Χάρων

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:08 PM

Not changing sheets for a year goes well beyond just messy or even lazy. That's just deeply and strangely wrong. It's good you're having your intervention, but it seems like you'll need some medical care to back that up. Have they aged out of your insurance yet?


Still on insurance for a bit. What medical speciality could help? Mental health? Neuropsyc? Primary care doctor?

#202 displace

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:11 PM

Still on insurance for a bit. What medical speciality could help? Mental health? Neuropsyc? Primary care doctor?


I'd start with a pcp and psychiatry eval.

Something is super wrong here- depression, anxiety, personality disorders, mental health issues, maybe even low IQ. But maybe something easier, like thyroid or anemia or B12.
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#203 maize

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:15 PM

Still on insurance for a bit. What medical speciality could help? Mental health? Neuropsyc? Primary care doctor?


If they would agree to neuropsych testing that would be good. Has anything ever been diagnosed in the past? This sounds like major executive function trouble and likely anxiety/depression on top of it.

When a person is leading such a marginally functional life I feel pretty safe in presuming some degree of malfunction in the brain.
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#204 regentrude

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:20 PM

Still on insurance for a bit. What medical speciality could help? Mental health? Neuropsyc? Primary care doctor?

 

From all you tell about these behaviors, I agree this goes way beyond issues of laziness/entitlement. This is so far beyond normal that I think a full psychiatric evaluation is in order. Their inability to complete basic adult life tasks hints at a severe mental illness that exceeds the family's capability to care for them if they do not receive treatment.


Edited by regentrude, 16 July 2017 - 05:22 PM.

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#205 Χάρων

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:24 PM

If they would agree to neuropsych testing that would be good. Has anything ever been diagnosed in the past? This sounds like major executive function trouble and likely anxiety/depression on top of it.

When a person is leading such a marginally functional life I feel pretty safe in presuming some degree of malfunction in the brain.

They did neuropsyc testing to see if the lack of ability to learn to put their own dishes in the dishwasher was a result of the medical issue. It was not. They are lucky and have very very minor complicications not related to this and that the NP believes could predate the medical issue.

Mild depression was mentioned. Treatment refused. Has a dx of ADHD, but a bad experience with one medication at age 5 and they refuse all treatment. Counseling has been declined.


Someone mentioned B12. They need a shot bwcause they are so low. The doctor is 1 block from the route they walk to work. It has been a month and no follow up. A single block. That is a literal block.

Edited by Χάρων, 16 July 2017 - 05:38 PM.


#206 ChocolateReign

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:29 PM

Did they take you on equally or nicer vacations while you were still living with them?

 

My parents only started going on trips to exotic locales AFTER their two oldest children were out of the house. That is what seemed so unfair. We got taken tent camping in Maine as vacations while HE got to jet off to Ireland, Scotland, Central Europe, etc. simply because he's quite a bit younger and my parents were better off financially.

 

I don't see anyone playing favorites in what you described.  Seems like your parents provided what they could afford at the time to all.


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#207 maize

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 06:00 PM

They did neuropsyc testing to see if the lack of ability to learn to put their own dishes in the dishwasher was a result of the medical issue. It was not. They are lucky and have very very minor complicications not related to this and that the NP believes could predate the medical issue.

Mild depression was mentioned. Treatment refused. Has a dx of ADHD, but a bad experience with one medication at age 5 and they refuse all treatment. Counseling has been declined.


Someone mentioned B12. They need a shot bwcause they are so low. The doctor is 1 block from the route they walk to work. It has been a month and no follow up. A single block. That is a literal block.

 

 

OK, so the B12 deficiency is huge. Lethargy, lack of focus, depression, are all symptoms of b12 deficiency. Pile that on top of untreated ADHD and I am not at all surprised this person is not functioning well. 

 

You've mentioned that the person is capable of learning--I guess you mean they are capable of taking in and remembering information? That is only one small piece of being able to carry out something like loading a dishwasher. Executive function--our ability to organize, prioritize, initiate, and sustain activity--is quite separate from the ability to learn and retain information. 

 

I've had ADHD my whole life, and most of that time have been unmedicated. My room was always a mess as a kid. My house is always a mess as an adult. I'm not lazy, and these days with a large family to take care of I work nearly constantly. But things are a mess because I can't work efficiently. I walk around the house with food because I can't sit in one place. I don't put my dishes in the dishwasher when I'm done with them because by the time I'm done eating my brain is somewhere else and "dishwasher" doesn't appear anywhere in my thought process. When I do load the dishwasher I do it haphazardly because that's what I can manage. 

 

I do not have anxiety and depression issues. I have plenty of energy and will to do stuff. I just can't do stuff in an organized manner. I have to hire regular cleaning help to keep my house halfway descent. 

 

My husband has chronic anxiety and depression. When he was unmedicated he went through periods when he could not bring himself to do anything at all. He would literally sit in a corner kind of curled up in a fetal position doing nothing for days on end. 

 

While I recognize that you have limited ability to influence this person and that as long as they resist seeking treatment the best you can do may be to establish your own boundaries, I would be really reluctant to label the behavior you are seeing as lazy and manipulative when there are known physical issues affecting their energy and mental abilities.

 

(I'm leery of the lazy label because it is such a very common one applied to folks with ADHD by those who have never experienced what it is like to have a brain without strong executive function abilities)

 

Please know that I am not saying you just have to live with and tolerate a non functional adult in your household. But if there are underlying brain function problems it really is not helpful to presume that non functional behavior is just a choice. The person who is not functional may well need to go take their non functionality elsewhere so that your household  can function.


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#208 unsinkable

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 06:22 PM

They did neuropsyc testing to see if the lack of ability to learn to put their own dishes in the dishwasher was a result of the medical issue. It was not. They are lucky and have very very minor complicications not related to this and that the NP believes could predate the medical issue.

Mild depression was mentioned. Treatment refused. Has a dx of ADHD, but a bad experience with one medication at age 5 and they refuse all treatment. Counseling has been declined.


Someone mentioned B12. They need a shot bwcause they are so low. The doctor is 1 block from the route they walk to work. It has been a month and no follow up. A single block. That is a literal block.


I thought there are 2 kids? A brother and a sister?

Are they both so impaired? Or is it just the girl?
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#209 displace

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 06:35 PM

Along with a "medical issue ", which may or may not allow her to be independent if I read correctly, someone needs to be on top of this. And it shouldn't be the stepmom IMO.
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#210 displace

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 06:36 PM

DP

Edited by displace, 16 July 2017 - 06:36 PM.


#211 Χάρων

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 08:59 PM

I thought there are 2 kids? A brother and a sister?

Are they both so impaired? Or is it just the girl?


One lives with us and is the main problem. The other is not independent or working/attending school full time either, but since they are mooching off of someone else they are not as big an issue to my day to day life.

#212 Pen

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 09:51 PM

From all you tell about these behaviors, I agree this goes way beyond issues of laziness/entitlement. This is so far beyond normal that I think a full psychiatric evaluation is in order. Their inability to complete basic adult life tasks hints at a severe mental illness that exceeds the family's capability to care for them if they do not receive treatment.

 

Agree.

 

And also a full medical work up.

 

Seems to me also that the dsd needs help getting to doctor for the known needed B12 shot.  Possibly cognitive function (for whatever reason) is too low to be able to manage that.


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#213 luuknam

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 10:08 PM

Seems to me also that the dsd needs help getting to doctor for the known needed B12 shot.  Possibly cognitive function (for whatever reason) is too low to be able to manage that.

 

 

Yep. I'm against enabling kids, but if they need help fixing medical issues that keep them functioning, it's going to be in your best interest to walk them down to the doctor's office yourself. If your dh is willing to go along with it, I'd say that they need to get the medical treatment they need, and if they refuse, they can go live elsewhere. I'd start with the B12, and see if that makes a difference, but if that doesn't make enough of a difference, I'd tell them they need to give another ADHD medication a try if they want to keep living with you. Obviously you can't make them take medication, but you can make their living with you contingent on, well, pretty much anything. If they don't like that, they're adults, so they can move out.


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#214 gardenmom5

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 10:24 PM

Yep. I'm against enabling kids, but if they need help fixing medical issues that keep them functioning, it's going to be in your best interest to walk them down to the doctor's office yourself. If your dh is willing to go along with it, I'd say that they need to get the medical treatment they need, and if they refuse, they can go live elsewhere. I'd start with the B12, and see if that makes a difference, but if that doesn't make enough of a difference, I'd tell them they need to give another ADHD medication a try if they want to keep living with you. Obviously you can't make them take medication, but you can make their living with you contingent on, well, pretty much anything. If they don't like that, they're adults, so they can move out.

 

unfortunately - when it comes to medical stuff - sometimes it is taking charge and hauling them in.

can you do the shots at home? (a compounding pharmacy is usually your best bet to get them, but your dr does have to call it in.) you can do a 1mg shot- every other day or three days.  they use insulin needles and are very tiny.  it goes into fat - the bottom is the fattiest location.  if the urine is red - the fat was missed.  I used to do them on dudeling.

 

you can also do the sublingual (methylcobalmin) b12.  takes longer to increase levels- but it's better than nothing.

 

eta: they use a red dye - so it's dye, not blood.


Edited by gardenmom5, 16 July 2017 - 10:26 PM.

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#215 Pen

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 11:16 PM

What medical speciality could help? Mental health? Neuropsyc? Primary care doctor?

 

 

All of above, plus likely some others.

 

 

Something seems deeply wrong.

 

 

 

And one thing can lead to another.  Just Vitamin B deficiency can cause brain troubles.   Brain troubles can cause emotional troubles.  Emotional troubles can cause not eating right or getting medical help.  In a downward spiral.


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#216 mathnerd

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 12:59 AM

 

 

you can also do the sublingual (methylcobalmin) b12.  takes longer to increase levels- but it's better than nothing.

 

eta: they use a red dye - so it's dye, not blood.

 

I have a severe B12 deficiency and I suffer from brain fog because of that. I take a sublingual methylcobalamin tablet frequently and it helps me think clearly. If the stepchild is not going to the doctor to get their B12 shot, pick up a sublingual B12 supplement for them and ensure that they take one a day. I am sure that it is not the job of the stepmother to do this, but, if this is going to help this person get out of their deficiency which could be the root cause of a lot of their problems, this is the easiest way to deal with it. I buy mine from trader joe's while many other places like costco and target sell them as well.

https://www.amazon.c...s/dp/B00DC244T6

This one is high potency and might help them raise their B12 levels faster.


Edited by mathnerd, 17 July 2017 - 01:00 AM.

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#217 Laura Corin

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 03:46 AM

Once they had the money for fancy vacations, they should have either taken all 3 of their children or gone by themselves while youngest brother was off at summer camp. Instead, they decided to take him to all sorts of places that I have never been and may never be able to afford to go. I feel like Cinderella forced to dress in rags & clean the house while spoiled stepsisters get pampered & taken to the ball. Only no Fairy Godmother ever shows up to allow me to go to the ball.

Oh for goodness sake! My parents split up when I was eleven, and I just went to a one week summer camp after that. My older brothers had family holidays until the younger was sixteen. My father remarried and my half sisters had family holidays every year.

Life happens! Why would I need compensation as an adult?

Edited by Laura Corin, 17 July 2017 - 05:07 AM.

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#218 shawthorne44

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 12:11 PM

I don't see anyone playing favorites in what you described.  Seems like your parents provided what they could afford at the time to all.

 

I agree.   DH experienced the reverse.   His older siblings (8 & 12 years older), had a childhood living near the beach with a nice boat and vacations.   Then DH's dad made an extremely bad employment decision and never recovered.  Last year, DH had his first vacation that wasn't tent camping.   First in his life and we are in our 40's.   He thanked me for insisting we rent a cabin because he had no idea how nice it could be.  


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#219 DawnM

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 12:38 PM

I thought there are 2 kids? A brother and a sister?

Are they both so impaired? Or is it just the girl?

I am super confused about how many people we are talking about.  Do ALL of these children have issues putting dishes away and changing sheets or is it just one child?  Were they all tested?  Or are we just talking about one?

 

It makes it hard to answer.


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#220 ktgrok

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 01:09 PM

I think you are right. I was not in love with the last trip and it was even fewer meals out. Yes, I monitored. I do not allow my 13 year old to order soda when eating out, why would I pay for an adult to drink unhealthy beverages? But yeah, it is not what they are used to and I will have to monitor them.

 

IF you can afford it, you could offer to pay for their lodging only, and indicate they will have to share with the other kids. If they take you up on it you and your DH could even have a room to yourself maybe, which would be nice.

 

But they pay for their own meals,snacks,car etc. One, you won't have to monitor. Two, it may be enough of a disincentive they decide not to come. 



#221 Χάρων

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 01:30 PM

I am super confused about how many people we are talking about. Do ALL of these children have issues putting dishes away and changing sheets or is it just one child? Were they all tested? Or are we just talking about one?

It makes it hard to answer.


We are a family of 5.

2 step adultren. 1 lives with us, one lives with other family. Both are mid 20's. Neither have pursued higher education or fulltime employment. The one not living with us because minecraft, internet addiction and reasons. The one living with us because major health issues and reasons. Neither can be bothered to clean withoit constant reminders. The last time the one who does not live with us was over they left the front door open (we have animals who could escape, as has been their entire life) and threw an empty plastic bag on the floor and walked off.

The one living with us has not changed their sheets in a year, the other does not use sheets.

No clue how they turned out like this. DH is a neat freak. I swear sometimes the man cleans for fun. And not just a light wipe with a towel, I mean deep cleaning with gloves. I thought I was a neat freak, he taught me a few tricks on cleaning.
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#222 unsinkable

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 05:03 PM

We are a family of 5.

2 step adultren. 1 lives with us, one lives with other family. Both are mid 20's. Neither have pursued higher education or fulltime employment. The one not living with us because minecraft, internet addiction and reasons. The one living with us because major health issues and reasons. Neither can be bothered to clean withoit constant reminders. The last time the one who does not live with us was over they left the front door open (we have animals who could escape, as has been their entire life) and threw an empty plastic bag on the floor and walked off.

The one living with us has not changed their sheets in a year, the other does not use sheets.

No clue how they turned out like this. DH is a neat freak. I swear sometimes the man cleans for fun. And not just a light wipe with a towel, I mean deep cleaning with gloves. I thought I was a neat freak, he taught me a few tricks on cleaning.

I know quite a few people whose parents are "neat freaks" who grow up and in their own homes and lives, considerably lower their parents' standards.

These now adult children I know mostly have a "good enough" attitude toward cleaning, neatness, etc. I'm talking about a few dusty corners, smudged windows, a couple loads of laundry need to be done...nothing that would endanger anyone.

Edited by unsinkable, 17 July 2017 - 05:04 PM.

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#223 DawnM

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 05:29 PM

We are a family of 5.

2 step adultren. 1 lives with us, one lives with other family. Both are mid 20's. Neither have pursued higher education or fulltime employment. The one not living with us because minecraft, internet addiction and reasons. The one living with us because major health issues and reasons. Neither can be bothered to clean withoit constant reminders. The last time the one who does not live with us was over they left the front door open (we have animals who could escape, as has been their entire life) and threw an empty plastic bag on the floor and walked off.

The one living with us has not changed their sheets in a year, the other does not use sheets.

No clue how they turned out like this. DH is a neat freak. I swear sometimes the man cleans for fun. And not just a light wipe with a towel, I mean deep cleaning with gloves. I thought I was a neat freak, he taught me a few tricks on cleaning.

 

Gotcha.  I wasn't quite fitting the pieces.

 

That is tough.  



#224 Ravin

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 05:39 PM

We are planning a 3 week long road trip over the winter to the southeast United States including in South Florida and the Florida Keys. I'm trying to presented in such a way that is seems less as than cool than it will be. I need help. How does one make leaving the cold midwest in the middle of winter to go on a fully paid trip that includes, Key West, Universal Studios, Everglades, KSC, and a resort in a historic district in either GA or SC, seem unpleasent?

We are not made of money. I keep getting pressure, both internal (trying to change the internal dialouge) and external to include mid 20 somethings with no real job on our dime. Including them makes our costs more than double due to vehicle and lodging complications. It means less vacation for us.

The "fair" solution presented is to exclude all kids, even the minor children. I feel this is BS. But then what I expect is that by mid20's they hage their own life.


Also if I am not wrong that the mid 20 somethings can figure their vacation out or that it is not wrong to exclude more than legal adults who should have established their own household, while still including the minors, that would be great to know. Ditto if I am wrong and that family vacations are every child , and potential partners and dependents (they do not have any children, but are wll into the age range to be married for 5+ years and to have their own children) no matter their age, that would be fine.

I feel I cannot win. DS and I can go without a problem. DH and I can go without a problem. But if DH and I take only the children who are legally minors...

 

 

On the one hand, I disagree that 20somethings should necessarily have established their own household.

 

On the other, if you can't afford to take them, you are not obligated to take them. Did you ever go on family vacations when they were young, before their younger siblings were born or when those siblings were too young to remember and appreciate it? Is it unfair to the younger siblings that this happened without them? No? Then it's not unfair that the adults who should be in school or working aren't going with.

 

If they can help pay their way, or you can afford to and want to take them, great. But you aren't obligated to. It's unfair to their younger siblings to be tied to not getting a vacation because they are still living at home.


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#225 Χάρων

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 05:56 PM

I know quite a few people whose parents are "neat freaks" who grow up and in their own homes and lives, considerably lower their parents' standards.

These now adult children I know mostly have a "good enough" attitude toward cleaning, neatness, etc. I'm talking about a few dusty corners, smudged windows, a couple loads of laundry need to be done...nothing that would endanger anyone.


Being OK with living with roaches, and throwing all trash on the floor and never picking it up is about as low as the bar gets and is a health hazard.
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#226 FaithManor

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 06:09 PM

OP, what do you know of the medical history of the steps in terms of pregnancy? Is there any chance the mother did alcohol or drugs, and they are FAS? The reason I ask is executive function, planning, following through, etc. could all be part and parcel of this. There are therapies that help. I have friends who fostered and adopted some rather severe FAS kids and teaching them to clean and do simple teen/adult tasks was A LOT of work. 

 

Just tossing that out there. If they are FAS, there would be community mental health and special ed services that might be available in your area.

 

I do think that if the grandparents are so darn determined to pamper the kids and see to it that you cater to their whims, then the steps should be dropped at their house to live. The end. One cannot make a difference in such a trying situation when people undermine you at every turn.


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#227 unsinkable

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 06:17 PM

Being OK with living with roaches, and throwing all trash on the floor and never picking it up is about as low as the bar gets and is a health hazard.


Well, yeah. That's my point. It doesn't sound like your stepchildren are making the kind of life decisions mentally healthy people make.

Mentally healthy people can have neat freak parents and make different choices for themselves regarding how to clean their homes.
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#228 Rach

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 06:47 PM

Ok let me throw in my anecdotal experience.

My sister is a lot younger than me.


Both our parents have done tons of fun stuff with her that I didn't get to do.

...I was just happy for them. No resentment, no bitterness, no feeling like they love me less.

I'm not some kind of saint outlier, promise. If the grown kids have a problem with a child being treated like a child, that's indicative ONLY of their emotional problems.

I'm way late to this thread, but this is my experience as well.

I paid for a camps, school activities, clothes, and college myself. My much younger brother has had most of that paid for him. I'm happy my parents were able to do that for him. Their situation was much different for me than it was for him when he was the same age.
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#229 Pen

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 08:21 PM

We are a family of 5.

2 step adultren. 1 lives with us, one lives with other family. Both are mid 20's. Neither have pursued higher education or fulltime employment. The one not living with us because minecraft, internet addiction and reasons. The one living with us because major health issues and reasons. Neither can be bothered to clean withoit constant reminders. The last time the one who does not live with us was over they left the front door open (we have animals who could escape, as has been their entire life) and threw an empty plastic bag on the floor and walked off.

The one living with us has not changed their sheets in a year, the other does not use sheets.

No clue how they turned out like this. DH is a neat freak. I swear sometimes the man cleans for fun. And not just a light wipe with a towel, I mean deep cleaning with gloves. I thought I was a neat freak, he taught me a few tricks on cleaning.

 

 

The degree of issues you describe sound like more going on than laziness...  physical or mental health problems or both.

 

But, I am also wondering, did DH TEACH his own children how to clean and keep up with things like sheets etc.? And especially did he teach them how to do it in ways that would work even if suffering from vitamin deficiency debility/fatigue so that a lighter cleaning might be all that could be managed?


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#230 Χάρων

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 08:35 PM

The degree of issues you describe sound like more going on than laziness... physical or mental health problems or both.

But, I am also wondering, did DH TEACH his own children how to clean and keep up with things like sheets etc.? And especially did he teach them how to do it in ways that would work even if suffering from vitamin deficiency debility/fatigue so that a lighter cleaning might be all that could be managed?

I have seen him try to teach them.

Also, when someone cannot be bothered to drop candy wrappers into the trashcan next to their chair and instead opt to throw them onto the floor making a complete circle around them, it is not a lack of instruction. Call it health related or whatever. I call it too stupid or lazy to be bothered to make sure the trash goes at least on the same side of the chair as the trashcan.

Not just one time. Multiple times.

Edited by Χάρων, 17 July 2017 - 09:15 PM.

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#231 Χάρων

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 11:24 AM

I will be starting this trip shortly before Christmas and it will continue for 3 weeks. I am not inviting the step adultren.

We pay for the food they eat in 3 days that should last 2 weeks. We have offered college. We pay for their internet. We pay for them to have really good insurance. They live here rent free with minimal expectations. They have already had forst class tours of Europe, Mexico, Canada, popular Western National Parks, and even Florida in Winter. My son has not.
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#232 Reluctant Homeschooler

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 01:25 PM

I will be starting this trip shortly before Christmas and it will continue for 3 weeks. I am not inviting the step adultren.

We pay for the food they eat in 3 days that should last 2 weeks. We have offered college. We pay for their internet. We pay for them to have really good insurance. They live here rent free with minimal expectations. They have already had forst class tours of Europe, Mexico, Canada, popular Western National Parks, and even Florida in Winter. My son has not.

 

Sounds like you have the issue settled. I'm glad you have something happy to look forward to. Hope you have a wonderful time!
 


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#233 Χάρων

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 01:33 PM

Sounds like you have the issue settled. I'm glad you have something happy to look forward to. Hope you have a wonderful time!


I am not sure how happy it is to look forward to. I have always done Xmas with family, but I cannot handle the inlaws and feel I need to be out of town that day. No one skies and Florida is warm.

#234 Pen

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 02:25 PM

I think not inviting the stepchildren on the 3 week trip is a good decision.

 

I also think there are a lot more serious issues going on of all sorts.  

 

For your dh, I think dealing with his bio-kids' issues may be something needed because they (or at least the girl) may be having too much going on (whatever it is) to deal with it themselves / herself.

 

For you, besides prioritizing your own and ds's needs, it is not clear to me that this new blended "family" is going to be able to hold together from what you have described. It may take also prioritizing some sort of family counseling help if you want it to do so.

 

When you write that "we" pay for "their _____ "  who is the "we" and who the "they"?   Are you and ds paying for the dh part of the family?  Or do you mean that you and dh are paying for both the adult child who lives with you and also the one who does not?  To what extent are you personally paying for dh's adult children and dh?  Is your ds paying for them financially or only in so far as the situation may be costly to him emotionally?

 

I dunno. Maybe your posts are mainly venting and things are not really so bad in reality, but the way I hear it, the situation sounds like it may become a non-marriage unless major action is taken.

 

It only sounds like a 5 person "family" if I put the quotes around the word.  

 

Hope I am wrong about my bleak assessment.

 

I'm also curious about eating up 2 weeks of food in 3 days. I can see how 2 weeks of food can rapidly be wasted, but am confused about it being eaten that fast. I am picturing some major obesity with that idea and also sitting in a chair and dropping candy wrappers on opposite side as from trash can.

 

 

 

Anyway, I hope you have a fantastic trip!  A warm and peaceful Xmas sounds delightful!  

 

 

 

I have seen him try to teach them.

Also, when someone cannot be bothered to drop candy wrappers into the trashcan next to their chair and instead opt to throw them onto the floor making a complete circle around them, it is not a lack of instruction. Call it health related or whatever. I call it too stupid or lazy to be bothered to make sure the trash goes at least on the same side of the chair as the trashcan.

Not just one time. Multiple times.

 

 

I will be starting this trip shortly before Christmas and it will continue for 3 weeks. I am not inviting the step adultren.

We pay for the food they eat in 3 days that should last 2 weeks. We have offered college. We pay for their internet. We pay for them to have really good insurance. They live here rent free with minimal expectations. They have already had forst class tours of Europe, Mexico, Canada, popular Western National Parks, and even Florida in Winter. My son has not.


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#235 Moxie

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 02:28 PM

I am not sure how happy it is to look forward to. I have always done Xmas with family, but I cannot handle the inlaws and feel I need to be out of town that day. No one skies and Florida is warm.


Are you and DH is marriage counseling? You have a lot going on and I worry your marriage won't make it.
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#236 Χάρων

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 02:57 PM

Are you and DH is marriage counseling? You have a lot going on and I worry your marriage won't make it.


I am struggling cutting out the inlaws more than DH is. Weird, huh? I was very good friends with MIL and the family for 10 years and I swear I do not know what happened. These are not the same people.

I am not going to lie and say my family of orgin is awesme and sane but even post divorce peoplr maintained friendships. Even after the kids were out of the house they would go do things together. There was one person I cut out when I was 21, but it was a universal they have issues and not this level of extreme dysfunction.

I joke that my functional upbringing did not prepare me to handle this level of dysfunction. Everything I knew about family relationships has been shattered and I am left trying to hold on to what I was raised knowing how families interact and trying to make sense of the inlaws.

We have discussed moving. We talking about it before we bought our house. I did not get it then. I do now.

#237 Χάρων

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 03:05 PM

I think not inviting the stepchildren on the 3 week trip is a good decision.

I also think there are a lot more serious issues going on of all sorts.

For your dh, I think dealing with his bio-kids' issues may be something needed because they (or at least the girl) may be having too much going on (whatever it is) to deal with it themselves / herself.

For you, besides prioritizing your own and ds's needs, it is not clear to me that this new blended "family" is going to be able to hold together from what you have described. It may take also prioritizing some sort of family counseling help if you want it to do so.

When you write that "we" pay for "their _____ " who is the "we" and who the "they"? Are you and ds paying for the dh part of the family? Or do you mean that you and dh are paying for both the adult child who lives with you and also the one who does not? To what extent are you personally paying for dh's adult children and dh? Is your ds paying for them financially or only in so far as the situation may be costly to him emotionally?

I dunno. Maybe your posts are mainly venting and things are not really so bad in reality, but the way I hear it, the situation sounds like it may become a non-marriage unless major action is taken.

It only sounds like a 5 person "family" if I put the quotes around the word.

Hope I am wrong about my bleak assessment.

I'm also curious about eating up 2 weeks of food in 3 days. I can see how 2 weeks of food can rapidly be wasted, but am confused about it being eaten that fast. I am picturing some major obesity with that idea and also sitting in a chair and dropping candy wrappers on opposite side as from trash can.



Anyway, I hope you have a fantastic trip! A warm and peaceful Xmas sounds delightful!


Two weeks of two food items that were vital to what we would be eating in the next two weeks. They ate nothing else.

Pay for everyhing. We is DH and I. The insurance is through his employer. The house, internet, utilities, and related expenses are paid by us, they pay no rent. We bought the house in a very limited geographical area to allow them to be in walking distance everywhere they need to go and to have very easy access to the bus lines. It is a prime location, we could have moved a couple miles further and paid half as much. I will not be able to pay this house off in 10 years like we wanted.

College or trade school was offered on our dime. Not an option any more due to twice as expensive house.

I am NOT equipped to be in the trenches dealing with a mid 20's failure to launch. DH has to work and cannot hand hold the adultlet. The inlaws who have a fit when adultren are made to do anything cannot be bothered to help.

#238 Pen

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 08:43 PM

1 Two weeks of two food items that were vital to what we would be eating in the next two weeks. They ate nothing else.

 Pay for everyhing. We is DH and I. The insurance is through his employer. The house, internet, utilities, and related expenses are paid by us, they pay no rent. We bought the house in a very limited geographical area to allow them to be in walking distance everywhere they need to go and to have very easy access to the bus lines. It is a prime location, we could have moved a couple miles further and paid half as much. I will not be able to pay this house off in 10 years like we wanted.

 College or trade school was offered on our dime. Not an option any more due to twice as expensive house.

2  I am NOT equipped to be in the trenches dealing with a mid 20's failure to launch. DH has to work and cannot hand hold the adultlet. The inlaws who have a fit when adultren are made to do anything cannot be bothered to help.

 

 

1 What is the system that is supposed to stop this?  The only thing that seems to work here (not always) is to mark on food containers something like "Do NOT Eat!" for things needed for meals and not to be eaten up as snacks.

 

2.  No. I don't think you can be the one responsible for this. 

 

To me, DH is in the clear relationship position to take prime responsibility. Though maybe he is not capable due to his own issues.  Needing to work seems to me to be a cop out though.

 

Single female parents are expected to work and also to deal with kids, so I kind of don't get that DH cannot help due to needing to work.  Maybe instead of joining you and ds13 on Florida etc vacation, dh could use his vacation days to get his adultren to medical evaluations and do the other parenting  that they apparently need.  I'm gathering that he will have 21 days available, and to me helping out adultren who may likely be ill mentally or physically or both is more important than going to Disneyworld.  Maybe he could use his 21 days in a way that could help get the situation sorted out and onto a right track.

 

If the inlaws are the grandparents, maybe the grandkids could live with them which might be something that could allow your marriage to have a better chance than what sounds to be currently the situation. And it could keep you as stepmom and ds13 as stepbrother mostly out of the adultren problem. Possibly the inlaws will have a different view if more directly coping with situation. Or possibly the dynamics would be different and better.


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