Neighbor kids and boundaries - mostly a vent

[Spryte]

It's summer!  Yay!  Outside water play, fun, popsicles, and neighbor kids descending upon the house every. single. day.  Time to revisit boundaries and reestablish the rules.

 

I'm pretty good with boundaries, and we are - in general - the house where the kids congregate.  I like it that way for many reasons, not the least of which is that I can keep an eye on what's going on.  We usually have 9 - 11 kids appear on a given day to play (mostly outside), but not always the same 9 - 11 kids.

 

This has become a bit trickier though, as DS has gotten older.  He's 13, he's into cosplay, and he uses real tools.  We invited a lot of kids over, this past weekend, for a maker's gathering, and did safety lessons re: heat guns; hot glue; spray paint; saws; drills; etc.  I trust the kids that attended, and feel fairly confident that they can be part of the constant making that's going on in our garage.  Their parents are on board with it, they're good at listening to me, and follow our house rules.  I'm okay with them making projects without my constantly hovering over them.  I'm not okay with kids who aren't familiar with our rules, or are under a certain age being around potentially dangerous items, though.  

 

Yesterday we had a problem with the kids who did not attend. They were invited over the weekend, and for whatever reason their parents declined.  DS wanted to work on some projects, and I had to chase 5 - 6 kids out of our garage repeatedly.  I explained very clearly that they do not have permission to use tools, etc, and could not be in the garage.  I did finally close the garage, but honestly, it was not a smooth, painless experience, and I ended up feeling like the Mean Mom.

 

To add to that, this is a family of many, and while they are fun to play with and the older kids have nice manners, they come with littles.  There is a particular 4 year old who appears at our house (he started as early as 3 yo!), and he truly requires more supervision than I'm willing to give this year.  There is a constant need for attention - scrapes and bandaid needs to a degree, but mostly he's continually asking for food.  I generally accommodate or send him home depending on what I feel is appropriate.  But, goodness, yesterday I'd served lemonade to the older kids before he arrived.  It was gone, but he opened our door and stood in the doorway yelling, "Excuse me, can I have some lemonade?" over and over.  My DH works from home, and was on a video call, and yes, indeed, this was audible.  Aaaaaghhhhh!  This is the same kid who has dismantled our low voltage lights outside (those things are pricey, at $25 a pop, minimum, ouch), and doesn't listen to my kids about safety rules.  He's climbed and broken bookcases, he's just a handful.  Needless to say, he's no longer allowed inside, but keeping him out of our lights and safe in our yard isn't a small feat either.

 

Last year I was more willing to watch him and supervise, because DD (now 6) was outside playing, too, and I kept a closer eye on her.  This year she's gained more independence, and I let her play outside without constant supervision.  This frees me up to do more inside while they are playing.  Unless the four year old is here, in which case I need to be more vigilant.

 

Then, just to add some extra fun, one of the girls has quite a tendency to badmouth one of DS's friends and DS is constantly feeling torn between the two of them.  So add in some middle school drama for good measure and I feel a bit crazy!

 

Whew.  Okay.  There's my vent.  In the course of typing, the kids have come to the door, 4 year old and 2 year old in tow, wanting to play.  I have declared a Family Day.  

 

So, anyone else live in The House?  What are your general rules for keeping things sane?  Want to compare?

[fralala]

OK, I thought I had The House, but now I see it could be much, much worse. (Although: do your neighbors wave you down when they see you walking by the house and send their littles out the door, half-dressed, to join you? I mean, it's good to feel trusted and liked and to live in a close-knit community and all...we also have neighbors who twice now have locked their doors and don't answer them when I try to send their kids back home, so they end up joining us for longer than anticipated.)

 

I would also say that I am totally the Mean Mom and the kids don't seem to notice. No, my comments about how it's generally not polite to walk into somebody else's house, sit at their table, and ask "What are you making?" (NOTHING! because I'm still trying to finish the breakfast dishes while running in and out supervising the toddler!) fall on deaf ears...

 

Speaking of mayhem....I gotta go deal with lots of noise and tears!

 

[J-rap]

Wow, you have been very patient!  I think I'd resort to very clear terms:  "You need to go home, now."

 

If they don't, I'd speak with the parents.  You can always explain that you are working on projects with older kids that could be dangerous for younger kids and can they please keep their child home.  (Even if you're not always working on project with older kids.)  Enough is enough!  (I know that's easier said than done!)

 

 

[zoobie]

I'd tell the parents to keep tiny tot home unless an **adult** comes to supervise him. Send the unkind child home and tell her she can try again tomorrow.

[Spryte]

OK, I thought I had The House, but now I see it could be much, much worse. (Although: do your neighbors wave you down when they see you walking by the house and send their littles out the door, half-dressed, to join you? I mean, it's good to feel trusted and liked and to live in a close-knit community and all...we also have neighbors who twice now have locked their doors and don't answer them when I try to send their kids back home, so they end up joining us for longer than anticipated.)

 

I would also say that I am totally the Mean Mom and the kids don't seem to notice. No, my comments about how it's generally not polite to walk into somebody else's house, sit at their table, and ask "What are you making?" (NOTHING! because I'm still trying to finish the breakfast dishes while running in and out supervising the toddler!) fall on deaf ears...

 

Speaking of mayhem....I gotta go deal with lots of noise and tears!

 

Oh my goodness, that made me laugh!  You win!  That's a bad one.  :)

 

I'm kind of happy to hear that they don't seem to notice when we channel our inner Mean Mom.  I almost think they crave boundaries, so maybe some of them feel reassured.  

 

Know you're not alone dealing with the noise and tears.  It's worth it, right?  Keep telling yourself that... 

[Spryte]

Wow, you have been very patient!  I think I'd resort to very clear terms:  "You need to go home, now."

 

If they don't, I'd speak with the parents.  You can always explain that you are working on projects with older kids that could be dangerous for younger kids and can they please keep their child home.  (Even if you're not always working on project with older kids.)  Enough is enough!  (I know that's easier said than done!)

 

 

 

Thanks.  I think?   :D

 

That's a good idea, about mentioning the projects.  That's how we handled the weekend - I texted all the parents and explained that we would be doing a Maker Day, and that I didn't want to leave anyone out but wouldn't be able to supervise littles, so if they wanted to come over and help their littles make something, they were welcome, otherwise we could only accommodate the bigs.  I hadn't thought about doing that on a daily basis, as needed, and think it's a great plan!  

[Spryte]

I'd tell the parents to keep tiny tot home unless an **adult** comes to supervise him. Send the unkind child home and tell her she can try again tomorrow.

 

 

Totally on board with this.  Both ideas.  "We'll try again tomorrow," will be my new mantra.  

 

It's definitely gotten trickier navigating this as the kids get older.  Seems like 6 - 10 or so they are super easy to have around, then there's a shift and it requires different herding skills.  I have to adjust.  

[Rebel Yell]

OK, I thought I had The House, but now I see it could be much, much worse. (Although: do your neighbors wave you down when they see you walking by the house and send their littles out the door, half-dressed, to join you? I mean, it's good to feel trusted and liked and to live in a close-knit community and all...we also have neighbors who twice now have locked their doors and don't answer them when I try to send their kids back home, so they end up joining us for longer than anticipated.)

 

I would also say that I am totally the Mean Mom and the kids don't seem to notice. No, my comments about how it's generally not polite to walk into somebody else's house, sit at their table, and ask "What are you making?" (NOTHING! because I'm still trying to finish the breakfast dishes while running in and out supervising the toddler!) fall on deaf ears...

 

Speaking of mayhem....I gotta go deal with lots of noise and tears!

Whiskey

Tango

Foxtrot

!

 

 

I understand you want to have a good relationship with the neighbors, but if they lock their kids out of their own home and you are the forced free babysitter that is criminal, in my opinion. What if, aside from just being done with them for the day, you had to leave? I'd be asking for a key or garage code or something. I'm happy to pass out pretzels and popsicles, but no way would I put up with that.

 

OP, it just might be time to chat with the mom of the 4 and 2 yos and let their mom know that things have changed this year and you have planned for more personal projects now that your young children need less supervision, and remind her of DH's frequent video conferences, so the youngest ones can no longer come over unless specific plans have been made for them to do so AND/OR they come with a designated full-time mother's helper or supervisor. You do NOT owe them free playtime and babysitting.

 

Tools and such- just keep telling them no, and remind them that when you have your next "training day" they are welcome to attend, and cannot use the tools until they have shown you that they can do somsafely.

 

Badmouthing friend? Have an easy phrase, like "ehhh keep that outta my house, we're all cool here" or whatever a kid would say, and don't let it get far. Just shut it down, he doesn't have to listen to her, and she doesn't have to like the other friend.

[QueenCat]

we also have neighbors who twice now have locked their doors and don't answer them when I try to send their kids back home, so they end up joining us for longer than anticipated.)

 

 

That would cause me to be confrontational and I am not a confrontational person.

[MedicMom]

I have had a neighbor child here for several days. The family is a mess and that's probably why, but mom has stopped answering my texts. She's a good little girl and I don't mind having her at all, but sooner or later I might as well file for custody.

[QueenCat]

I have had a neighbor child here for several days. The family is a mess and that's probably why, but mom has stopped answering my texts. She's a good little girl and I don't mind having her at all, but sooner or later I might as well file for custody.

 

Did you know she was staying for days? I just can't imagine what life must be like for her but I'm glad she has you in it!

[Ailaena]

 

Sometimes I lament not knowing any neighbors, then threads like this pop up :p

 

 

I have had a neighbor child here for several days. The family is a mess and that's probably why, but mom has stopped answering my texts. She's a good little girl and I don't mind having her at all, but sooner or later I might as well file for custody.

I get the feeling that you're only 25% joking... Rough, but glad you're able to be there for her :grouphug:

[Ravin]

I would start letting older sibs who bring the 4 yo with them know that they need to continue to supervise the 4yo. Also let the 4yo's mom know this.

[Spryte]

I would start letting older sibs who bring the 4 yo with them know that they need to continue to supervise the 4yo. Also let the 4yo's mom know this.

 

Yes, I think I'll mention it to the mom.  We text here and there, so it will be an easy thing to do.  4 year old is usually accompanied by a 9 or an 8 year old, and I think it's really just too much for them to supervise him.  They get distracted easily.  

[MedicMom]

Did you know she was staying for days? I just can't imagine what life must be like for her but I'm glad she has you in it!

Mom dropped her off to go to an OB appointment for baby #6. Mom is 23. That was Friday.

Fortunately I have lots of size 5 girl clothes and extra beds. CPS is rather familiar with this family so tomorrow I will just let the caseworker know she's with me.

Edited June 27, 2017 by MedicMom

[Spryte]

Mom dropped her off to go to an OB appointment for baby #6. Mom is 23. That was Friday.

Fortunately I have lots of size 5 girl clothes and extra beds. CPS is rather familiar with this family so tomorrow I will just let the caseworker know she's with me.

 

Oh my goodness.

 

I'm so glad she has you.

 

Some of the stories on this thread are making me grateful that our neighbor kid boundary issues are so minimal.  

[zoobie]

Mom dropped her off to go to an OB appointment for baby #6. Mom is 23. That was Friday.

Fortunately I have lots of size 5 girl clothes and extra beds. CPS is rather familiar with this family so tomorrow I will just let the caseworker know she's with me.

Wow. :(

[alisoncooks]

Threads like this always shock me. I cannot imagine unloading my children on neighbors, like has been described. This is so completely foreign to me...

[TX Native]

Once my kids were old enough to play out front without frequent supervision, I stopped watching out more frequently for others' little ones (unless asked as a favor once in a while, and this is by people who would do the same in return, not by freeloaders). If older brother and sister came with a sibling that needed supervision, I just said "I won't be out to look after _____. Your mom is welcome to come down and watch him, you all can play in your front yard, or you can come back to play after you take ____ back to his mom." It sounds like it was easy and instant, but it wasn't. i agree with other posters about speaking with the parents of the littler ones or the ones who you do not trust to be safe around the equipment. Something like, "I have always enjoyed my kids having the company of your kids over at my house, but this summer I have more on my plate and I am giving my kids more independence outside. I won't be able to supervise little ones or anyone not trained on the equipment my kids are using during the day. However, I will have ____ come let ____ know if we are having an outside activity where alll can join. Have a great day!" Not an easy conversation, I know, but being frank will give you a less stressful summer. If any parents get PO'd by your new boundaries, then that's their issue to deal with.

 

ETA: another option is to have a 2 hour period each day where there is no equipment being used in the garage and all kids are welcome over, but all have to go home at a set time unless a private invitation was given for certain ones to stay and work on projects.

Edited June 27, 2017 by TX native

[StephanieZ]

Just have to say this thread makes me very happy I live on a very large lot in a very spread out neighborhood with few children in it! I don't think I was cut out for close-quarters neighbors, lol. We did live in a neighborhood like that for 3 years when mine were little. We had a few issues, but none so bad as discussed here! I'd have lost my marbles!!

[Rebel Yell]

Something to consider, to give you some incentive to talk to the parents and explain that the unsupervised young ones (and an 8-9yo sibling would not be adequate, IMO since they need to play too) cannot be on your property without bringing a supervising teen or adult, would be liability issues. If the 4yo is dismantling your electic lights and gets shocked, or his sibling gets involved in a game and no one notices this child has wandered off...

 

I don't know, lots of possibilities. I would not want any of that on my conscience, even if I knew I could not be held legally responsible. And even the best of friends and neighbors might sue if an issue arises and medical bills need to be paid for.

 

I don't care if I go broke passing out popsicles, pretzels, and koolaid. But I will not risk everything I own because somebody likes free entertainment for their kids.

 

LOL and I WISH I was still in the world of pretzels and koolaid. Now we get teens and young adults and it's full meals :D and snacks. A sweet young gentleman is here today and I think he's had half a dozen or more large cookies. But at least he isn't dismantling my lights.

 

And something to look forward to: teens carry in groceries! They eat them all, too... but that's a good thing today since I way over planned for a grad party.

Edited June 27, 2017 by Rebel Yell

[Miss Tick]

How about if you make "safety passes" that kids have to have to get into the garage? Something simple that has their name on it and that shows they have been to a safety briefing. It doesn't have to be fancy, but perhaps kids would like the simplicity. OR it could become a source of hassle for you and contention for the kids. Maybe they could make these things in the garage - shrinky-dinks and the heat gun?

[Bambam]

..we also have neighbors who twice now have locked their doors and don't answer them when I try to send their kids back home, so they end up joining us for longer than anticipated.)

 

 

 

I'd totally call the cops on these people if I tried to send a child home and the parents wouldn't answer the door. Just NO.

 

I agree with talking to the parents of the little ones and letting them know that they *must* come and supervise their own child. If not, their child is not welcome. It is not my job to supervise other people's children - unless, of course, I agreed to do so. I'm busy, so I've helped neighbors and friends out on an emergency basis, but our house isn't set up to handle little kids anymore. 

 

Any one children who is unkind or not following the rules or listening? They can go home today. Period. I'm not good with second chances here. I don't care if they think I'm the mean mom. My house - my responsibility - you can't listen to me, you can't stay here. Mean? Nope. Reasonable. Tough cookies.

 

I run a community service club that meets at a building provided by another group. We've had problems with the younger kids playing outside (inappropriately), and so I made the rule that no younger children outside without *adult* supervision. I'm not okay with the older teens supervising. It *MUST* be a mom. No mom goes outside, no kid goes outside. Period. Teens can struggle with knowing what is acceptable behavior/etc when they are watching other families' kids. The service club is for the teens, and I really don't want them being babysitters for their younger siblings (and others) instead of participating. 

 

Edited June 27, 2017 by Bambam

[Callie]

Whiskey

Tango

Foxtrot

!

 

 

I understand you want to have a good relationship with the neighbors, but if they lock their kids out of their own home and you are the forced free babysitter that is criminal, in my opinion. What if, aside from just being done with them for the day, you had to leave? I'd be asking for a key or garage code or something. I'm happy to pass out pretzels and popsicles, but no way would I put up with that.

 

OP, it just might be time to chat with the mom of the 4 and 2 yos and let their mom know that things have changed this year and you have planned for more personal projects now that your young children need less supervision, and remind her of DH's frequent video conferences, so the youngest ones can no longer come over unless specific plans have been made for them to do so AND/OR they come with a designated full-time mother's helper or supervisor. You do NOT owe them free playtime and babysitting.

 

Tools and such- just keep telling them no, and remind them that when you have your next "training day" they are welcome to attend, and cannot use the tools until they have shown you that they can do somsafely.

 

Badmouthing friend? Have an easy phrase, like "ehhh keep that outta my house, we're all cool here" or whatever a kid would say, and don't let it get far. Just shut it down, he doesn't have to listen to her, and she doesn't have to like the other friend.

 

I'd send their children home and tell them to sit on the porch or in front of the door.  There is no way I'd even consider keeping them at my home.

 

I have never in my 50 years ran into the crazy I've read about on this board over the years. Or I have some serious RBF and scare people.

 

 

[Callie]

Just have to say this thread makes me very happy I live on a very large lot in a very spread out neighborhood with few children in it! I don't think I was cut out for close-quarters neighbors, lol. We did live in a neighborhood like that for 3 years when mine were little. We had a few issues, but none so bad as discussed here! I'd have lost my marbles!!

 

Loving my 60 acres right now, snakes and all.

 

We did live in a neighborhood until my oldest was 12 but I never had any trouble with neighborhood kids.  And never the crazy stuff I read here.

[MomtoCandJ]

We have one neighborhood girl who has listening issues. When she doesn't listen, I call her mom to get her and she isn't allowed back over for a while.