JAWM Vent: I don't want to go on this "vacation"

[lavender's green]

There. I said it.

 

We're going to our hometown soon and I'm starting to dread it. It's 800 miles away and we have all the normal young kid issues with such a long car trip. Plus one, maybe two, of the kids has ASD, which introduces its own set problems. I just prefer to parent through that at my own home.

 

One of the relatives we're visiting (just gonna speak in general terms here so the thread doesn't devolve into relationships or diets), is starting a new diet. I'm not surprised because she's been heading in this direction for a while. Based on her FB posts and what I know of her personality, she's pretty militant about it and gets self-righteous about her choices (dietary, parenting, etc). I saw a post of hers on FB this morning and it just set me over the edge into Vent Land. I officially do not want to deal with this trip and self-righteous relatives. Unbeknownst to her, I am actually on that diet for about 50% of the year. It makes me feel terrible when I do it for more than a week or so. And I know her version of the diet is mostly processed junk food. It's awesome if she can get away with it, but I cannot because of family medical history.

 

My closest relatives in my hometown actually moved away about 6 months ago. On the one hand, that's nice because my side of the family is crazier. Our visits in the past were always stunningly drama-filled, which is why we haven't been there in four years. On the other hand, it suddenly makes the whole trip about visiting DH's relatives. A lot of them are great people (even the self-righteous one), but a 10+ day dose of DH's relatives is a lot to handle at once. I'm just feeling more and more like I'm doing this out of an abstract sense of duty. And honestly, there are some in-law issues. They're pretty minor in the grand scheme of things, well within the realm of normal, and I don't need to air it all here, but let me just say that they are there. It's just that between my sense of duty, and those issues, I need to work hard to stay away from feelings of resentment. If you're the praying type, I could particularly use some help in this area.

 

Some of our grandparents are still living. Some are in good health for their age, while others are in nursing homes. I get the feeling that the trip could become a slow parade in and out of nursing homes so they can see their great-grandchildren for possibly the last time. I'm exhausted just thinking of all the places we'll be pressured to drag our kids to, even besides nursing homes.

 

And finally, I'm an introvert. I've structured my days so that I get some quiet time But that's going to be really hard to do on this trip. I'm going to be running on empty, and doing more high-intensity parenting than normal. In front of people who've only dealt with NT kids. My Aspie is so high-functioning and does such a great job of holding it together that people are taken aback when he can't hold it together anymore.

 

I'll try to end my vent with some positives. The trip won't be all bad. We have enough of a relationship with that certain relative to be able to cook our own meals at their house if necessary. There might be a snide remark or two, but it'll be okay. We'd probably have to in any case just to make stuff that the kids will eat. It will be nice to see our old haunts, and there's a lot of natural beauty and outdoor fun in that area. The kids will enjoy all that.  I'll get to say good-bye to my grandma who helped raise me. She has dementia now and might not know me, but I've accepted that. I can probably talk DH into either heading home early, or getting away from relatives for a couple of days. Finally, sometimes a change in routine is really good for my kids and the novelty of the situation helps them behave better. Here's hoping!

 

I don't really think we can cancel the trip now, and I do want to see that area again. We have important reasons for the timing that I don't need to detail here. I think I can tweak some details and come up with a few "pass the beandip" phrases. I should also hit my ASD and parenting books for ideas. Maybe I should schedule a massage for when I get back? Something to distract from the laundry and inevitable pet messes that pet sitters always conveniently overlook.

 

I think the main thing is that this trip is going to be so much work, in a way that is particularly draining for my personality. :/ Again, mostly JAWM.

[Barb_]

So, dreading the thing is almost always worse than doing the thing. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons you need to make this trip, but I think I would promise myself that this is the LAST TIME.

[lavender's green]

So, dreading the thing is almost always worse than doing the thing. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons you need to make this trip, but I think I would promise myself that this is the LAST TIME.

 

Okay, I'm glad I posted my vent because I had forgotten the silver lining of this trip, and you reminded me. It actually probably is the last time!

 

And you're right about dreading vs doing. I need to focus on my game plan more than anything else.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I get this.  We did a big trip cross country to visit all our family.  We dreaded one part of it(dh's family) and sure enough it sucked.  At one point my oldest kid said out loud, "Why are we just sitting here, can't we go now?".  Oh yeah, fun times.  At this point when we discuss going back to visit family we are now trying to figure out how to see one person, but not the others.  Really, the only solution is just not to go at all.  

Good luck.  Can you take your own food?  I think it's good to think of it as the last time.  I know for us, it may have been.  At least until my brain forgets how awful it was, guilt about never seeing them sets in, and I start planning another trip....only to regret it all over again.  

[sassenach]

My friend used to say that trips home are not a vacation, but an obligation.

 

I get it. Try to focus on some fun Easter eggs in there. Is there a food joint that you miss that you'll be able to indulge in? A nostalgic recreation (childhood park, bowling alley, roller rink) that you can do as a family?

 

 

[Barb_]

My friend used to say that trips home are not a vacation, but an obligation.

 

I get it. Try to focus on some fun Easter eggs in there. Is there a food joint that you miss that you'll be able to indulge in? A nostalgic recreation (childhood park, bowling alley, roller rink) that you can do as a family?

That's a great idea. Definitely schedule in some regular rewards. You're going to need things to look forward to.

[QueenCat]

My friend used to say that trips home are not a vacation, but an obligation.

 

 

 

I call visits to family "trips" but they are not vacations. For some family, it's an obligation but for the most part, I do enjoy going to visit family. But is never a vacation unless I'm meeting them at the beach or something.

[Catwoman]

Can you stay at an extended-stay type of hotel that has a kitchen in the suite? That could give you and your family some private time and a place to cook some of your meals?

Edited June 26, 2017 by Catwoman

[poppy]

My husband and I take separate vacations. 

He takes the kids skiing for a week in winter.  I read, go to movies, sleep, hide. 

I take the kids to see my mom out of state for  a week in summer. He goes out with friends a lot.

It works great for everyone.

 Our family vacations are just the 4 of us, not extended family (SO FAR) for which I am grateful.

I know not everyone can  or wants to live this way, just putting it out there as  a way marriage can work.

[marbel]

I'm sorry.  I have experienced similar with family.  Those trips are not vacations for any of us.   I'm trying to convince my husband to go see his parents alone this year. They don't really care about seeing the rest of us anyway.  

 

We have tried to tack on a day of fun on the way home.  That's helped, when we can do it.  We can't always manage it though.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

[Robin M]

Oh honey, I totally agree with you.  It's heck having to deal with relative issues while trying to keep yourself sane as well as watch over your kids.  I'm also an introvert so understand completely.  

 

Due to James having ASD, we use that as an excuse to rent a house or stay in an extended stay hotel with a kitchenette, whenever we go and visit family.  They have grown to accept that and it prevents all the drama.  Plus it helps your asd kids know that you have their backs and that they have a safe place to go when feeling overwhelmed.  That way we have control and can retreat when we need to during the day, have our quiet time at night and are able to regroup and be refreshed for the next day.    If it is at all possible, look into a vacation rental.  I've learned to look out for us first when we do the family things.  You may want to consider splitting up during the days while hubby does family things while you take kids elsewhere for fun.  Hubby watching the kids while you do your thing.  Then both of you doing a family fun thing together.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[zoobie]

That is soooo NOT a vacation! Call it something else. Would you be able to tack on some fun activities? Or a few days solo somewhere after you get home to recoup?

[Anne]

Add me to the list of people recommending a place of your own while you're there.

 

Or

 

take a couple of days to go do something with just your family.  Don't discuss it - just announce it.

 

Schedule something most days *just for you*  - a walk, a trip to the coffee shop (even if you don't drink coffee!!), whatever.  Again, don't discuss it - just do it.  Take your kids if you want.

 

Don't call it a vacation - call it a trip - enjoy it for what it's worth - and schedule a real vacation - maybe even just a "stay-cation" when you get home.

 

Anne

[nixpix5]

My husband and I take separate vacations.

He takes the kids skiing for a week in winter. I read, go to movies, sleep, hide.

I take the kids to see my mom out of state for a week in summer. He goes out with friends a lot.

It works great for everyone.

Our family vacations are just the 4 of us, not extended family (SO FAR) for which I am grateful.

I know not everyone can or wants to live this way, just putting it out there as a way marriage can work.

So jealous right now ;) It sounds like an absolute dream to have DH take kids for a few days and I get the house to myself. I may need to suggest this. Sometimes a vacation to me sounds like being alone with a good book or movie.

[lavender's green]

Our original plan was to rent a vacation house or get a hotel suite for all the reasons y'all are saying. However, as it slowly dawned on me how this trip was going to go, we decided to put those funds toward a real vacation to a beach house in September. In the long run that will be really nice, and I won't reach the end of the year feeling bitter about how we spent our vacation/travel money. In the short term...looks like relative's houses. But I will re-visit the finances and see if we can do something there.

 

Although, now it occurs to me that when we nixed our plans for that to be the main trip of the year, we didn't also cut back on the amount of time we'll be spending there. We were going to tour other places in the state to make it feel like more of a vacation, and it would have cut down on time with relatives. We decided against it because of the kids' ages; in ten years they'll be a great age to appreciate the stuff we show them. I going to have to re-think how much time we'll be spending there. 10 days, even counting travel time, actually sounds crazy and excessive.

 

We did tack on a couple of days at the beginning of the trip. We're going to stay in a cabin at  a state park I grew up going to every summer. No relatives! I keep wishing we could spend the whole time there, swimming, hiking, and exploring...

[lavender's green]

My husband and I take separate vacations. 

He takes the kids skiing for a week in winter.  I read, go to movies, sleep, hide. 

I take the kids to see my mom out of state for  a week in summer. He goes out with friends a lot.

It works great for everyone.

 Our family vacations are just the 4 of us, not extended family (SO FAR) for which I am grateful.

I know not everyone can  or wants to live this way, just putting it out there as  a way marriage can work.

 

Thanks - I like to hear how different families do things. It gives perspective and helps me think outside the box.

[Ravin]

I pretty much always come back from any vacation feeling like I need a vacation from the vacation. Every single vacation I've had since DD was born has been with kids in tow--and I've had exactly one weekend getaway that was kid free (in the middle of a visit to family, my mom kept DD, who was 3 at the time, while a friend and I went for a fun weekend in OKC). That's less of a burden for me now that my work schedule gives me alone time, but it IS stressful to travel with kids in even the best of circumstances.

 

DH never travels with us. This isn't strange to me as my mom mostly traveled with us for family visits--including to the in-laws when I was a kid. DH's family lives near us and we see them 2 or 3 times a year for an afternoon or evening at holidays.

 

Hang in there! It'll be over before you know it and you can get back to normal life.

[Seasider]

There's a difference between vacation and visitation. Both have their place. One is pure fun, the other is for extended family, and can also be fun in a different way.

[Laurie4b]

There's a difference between vacation and visitation. Both have their place. One is pure fun, the other is for extended family, and can also be fun in a different way.

 

Haha! I thought I was the only one who had the two terms vacation and visitation for two different types of travel destinations. I use them the same way you do. Visitations aren't necessarily relaxing, but are still very important in the things that count. 

[MercyA]

Just  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: .

[lavender's green]

Update:

 

Thanks for being my sounding board, everyone! Something about writing it out, discussing it, and hearing your responses helped me think through it. We'll be staying at that cabin in the state park for two days, and cutting down the visit with relatives to just an extended weekend. We'll try to spend most of that time at the beach. Even if the relatives come with, I think being out in the open air with lots to see and do will help us stay away from contentious topics. We'll probably skip the next relative's house. I think we'll be back home in less than a week, rather than 10 or 11 days like originally planned. And husband and I will get on the same page before-hand about who exactly we'll be visiting, and when/how to split up for visits.

[Barb_]

Great news! That sounds like a good plan.

[FaithManor]

I understand. I have a nephew and his wife who we would love to visit, unfortunately, they have a specific diet they follow, they are convinced that the whole world should follow it, and for medical reasons dh and I cannot. They do not tolerate anyone bringing food to their home that does not meet their dietary protocols, and get offended if anyone leaves their home to go eat what they need to eat which ends with them being very unhappy that no one wants to visit anymore.

 

So I get where you are coming from! Vent away.