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kfeusse
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My daughter (16) and I had a conversation tonight....

 
people....lots of people...those she know her well and those she doesn't, treat her and talk to her like she is 12 years old.  These people simply talk to other kids her age differently. I have witnessed this...their voice inflection changes, the types of topics of conversation changes, the types of questions they might ask, changes.  
 
My dd is small and she doesn't look like a typical teenager...so people don't treat her like a 16 almost 17 year old...and it is so frustrating to her.  Even her relatives are like that...they treat and talk to her same aged cousin like she is an adult...but they talk and treat my dd like she is a kid.  Even if she tries to converse about adult topics...it doesn't work. 
 
I don't know how to help her with that.  She doesn't wear teenage, trendy clothes...she doesn't wear make-up...she is short....
 
 she doesn't even like the typical teenage clothing styles..skirt above her knee, shirts without shoulders, tight, skinny jeans...
 
My dd isn't athletic, and around here that is the end all.  The things that she likes, are actually more grown up in my opinion...she is more about teaching small children, playing the organ for our church and others churches...she loves doing things for other people. But those things set her apart from at least the teenagers around here...but for whatever reason, it doesn't make people think she is older...they still treat her like she is a 12 year old. 
 
does anybody here have a daughter like this, who struggles with the same things?
 
 
any suggestions for me...or her?  
 
I want to think this will change for her in college...but I honestly don't know if it will.  And no matter how hard I try to convince her to be who she is, it still hurts and she is still sad and frustrated. 
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I haven't been that person but I've had friends who've shared their struggles.

Honestly, a tad bit of subtle makeup might help.  Would she look older in glasses?  I got a cute pair (no prescription) from the local drugstore that I wear occasionally when I want to look different.  She doesn't have to wear trendy clothes, but a more adult thing is realizing that how you present yourself sometimes dictates how people interact with you so doing something that shows you spent a little extra time on yourself can make a difference: wear a cute scarf, some jewelry, try different hairstyles, etc.

I really hate to focus on her looks but she sounds very sweet and it definitely doesn't seem like her personality is the problem.  A lot of people tend to associate sweetness with naivete and young girls, not realizing that those girls grow up.

Edited by WendyAndMilo
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Oh, how sad for her.

 

I think you're right to try and help her see that it's a very temporary state of affairs. Even if it's doesn't magically change over once she becomes a college student, it will inevitably get better in the next few years. While it's tough, being reminded of that perspective seems good.

 

For now, maybe she can focus on specifics. It's hard to explain to people that their intonation is insulting - while it may be, it's too nebulous for most people. If there is a particular adult that she really has a close relationship with, then she might be able to broach such an overarching topic, but hopefully any such adult would be someone who already knows her and knows better than to treat her like a younger child. However, if she can focus on when people deny her specific responsibilities or privileges of being an older teen, then that's something she can point out in a calm way. "I see that you allowed so-and-so to babysit. I thought I'd just remind you that I'm actually older than her." "I'm confused about why you think I can't take care of this. I know you allowed the girls my age to do it last week. Is there some reason that I'm less qualified?" It might also help when she meets new people to introduce herself as older right from the get-go, perhaps by working in things like her grade, that she's getting ready to apply to college, etc. She shouldn't have to do that, but correcting impressions early might help sometimes.

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I think a good haircut and some more grown-up personal grooming would probably be enough of a visual cue to get things going in the right direction.

 

If she doesn't want to dress like a typical teen (who would?) try out what it looks like for her to dress like she's 24, and just short. Around here, skinny jeans are pretty universal from teens until you're pushing 45, but styling varies. Maybe just start with one outfit, a haircut, and some low-drama mascara?

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The make-up thing is something I would have pushed back on HARD as a teen. But I still don't wear makeup. I would have been insulted by the suggestion, honestly. So... I guess I'd be careful with that one. However, I agree that dressing more grown up doesn't have to mean looking like a typical teen and that asking her if she would like to do a bit of a makeover (whether it's about hair, makeup, clothes, or all three) is something she'd be interested in.

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The make-up thing is something I would have pushed back on HARD as a teen. But I still don't wear makeup. I would have been insulted by the suggestion, honestly. So... I guess I'd be careful with that one. However, I agree that dressing more grown up doesn't have to mean looking like a typical teen and that asking her if she would like to do a bit of a makeover (whether it's about hair, makeup, clothes, or all three) is something she'd be interested in.

 

I was thinking along the lines of mascara and colored lip gloss.  Or if not mascara, then simply curling the lashes.  I'm honestly curious, why would you have been insulted by make-up?  Where I'm coming from is that younger girls want to be ready to play, go outdoors, be a little rough but as you get older and more focused on relationships, it makes more sense to look like you're ready to sit down with the adults. 

I wish someone would have shown me how to wear make-up before I got my first job.  I would have felt a lot more confident.

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There's a possibility that using a bit of showy vocabulary or adult level knowledge (current events, the content of the sermon, where to buy organic food) might cue someone during a conversation. Does she talk to adults like they are her equals? Or is she the type to let the adult totally lead a conversation -- I mean, does she maybe still talk to grown ups in an overly shy or deferential way?

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I wouldn't push the makeup.  That's a personal decision and I don't think girls should feel they have to wear makeup to be treated their age.

 

That being said, you can always help her find a more mature hairdo and even more mature clothes (along the lines of what she's comfortable in).  Maybe helping her think of some lines in advance that she can tell people.  (As Farrar suggested.)  You can help her stick up for herself with polite but assertive conversation, and also work on body language, eye contact, etc.

 

My #4 dd is much smaller and quieter than her older sisters, and everyone just thought of her as the littlest one for so long, that she has run into some of the same problems.  Or, she did. Now that she is 21 people are finally "getting" that she really is her age.  She is really having fun finally being accepted as an adult by other people!

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you can't change how others perceive her - but she can do things that will. she needs to decide which is more important to her.

 

dress like a savvy adult. (not a trendy teen)  change her bearing.   my sister was short - and always angry because people thought I was older (she's 5 1/2 years older than me) even when she was in her 20s. well, she didn't act like an adult - she acted like a (bratty) teenager, but I did act and dress like an adult.

 

she doesn't have to wear make-up - but it will make her look older. how does she groom her hair? - that will also affect how old she looks.

 

dress neatly, stand up straight, confident bearing, look directly into other people's eyes when speaking with them, chin up.  those thing do affect perception.

 

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Does your dd have a very young-sounding voice? Does she come across as being shy or as though she is lacking in self-confidence?

 

I only ask because if she sounds young, it may be more of an issue than looking young.

 

I can understand why she's frustrated, and I hope you can help her figure out how to get people to treat her as the young woman she is, and not like she's a little girl.

 

Do you have a trusted family member or friend you could ask about this? They may be seeing something in your dd's appearance or behavior that you could be missing because you see her every day and everything about her is so familiar to you.

 

Can you figure out the differences between your dd and her same-aged cousin, to try to understand why the cousin is treated as an adult and your dd is not?

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I was thinking along the lines of mascara and colored lip gloss.  Or if not mascara, then simply curling the lashes.  I'm honestly curious, why would you have been insulted by make-up?  Where I'm coming from is that younger girls want to be ready to play, go outdoors, be a little rough but as you get older and more focused on relationships, it makes more sense to look like you're ready to sit down with the adults. 

I wish someone would have shown me how to wear make-up before I got my first job.  I would have felt a lot more confident.

 

I just saw makeup as unbelievably shallow when I was younger. All the people I knew who were focused on makeup really came off as shallow. And it struck me as a tool of female oppression as well - both in a patriarchal society kind of way and in a mean girls kind of way. I don't think that way at all now, mind you. If anyone likes makeup, they should wear it. And everyone has the right to wear the things that make them feel good. But I never became a makeup wearer and as a teen, I would have dismissed all the advice that came along with "maybe put on some lip gloss."

 

The joke in our house is that only the men wear makeup since every one of the males in our house has a makeup kit for performing. Dh is an actor. Ds acts at a local theater. Other ds dances ballet.

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I just saw makeup as unbelievably shallow when I was younger. All the people I knew who were focused on makeup really came off as shallow. And it struck me as a tool of female oppression as well - both in a patriarchal society kind of way and in a mean girls kind of way. I don't think that way at all now, mind you. If anyone likes makeup, they should wear it. And everyone has the right to wear the things that make them feel good. But I never became a makeup wearer and as a teen, I would have dismissed all the advice that came along with "maybe put on some lip gloss."

 

The joke in our house is that only the men wear makeup since every one of the males in our house has a makeup kit for performing. Dh is an actor. Ds acts at a local theater. Other ds dances ballet.

This would have been me too. Frankly, there is no way that saying a woman has to wear makeup and dress a certain way in order to not be treated as a child that doesn't sound sexist and condescending. Even though it's totally true.

 

ETA: and yes, I don't care if other women want to wear it. Heck, I've even come to enjoy it myself at times. But 10-19 year old me was a bit more adamant that I wasn't buying into this social expectations nonsense.Ă¢ËœÂºĂ¯Â¸

Edited by Murphy101
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I also have a tiny daughter. As much as I don't like it... I'm agreeing with the suggestions of considering light makeup (even just a bit of mascara and lip gloss) and/OR wardrobe updating. Doesn't need to be trashy stuff at all - just updated stuff that will make people take notice as "something is different with so-and-so." A new haircut. New nail polish. New shoes.

Obviously, if she's absolutely anti-makeup - then that's a no-go. This isn't about doing something she's genuinely uncomfortable with!!! My daughter was more afraid of the idea of it in the beginning than anything. She was adamant she wouldn't wear any... then started playing with it at home (on her own), growing comfortable with it until she wore it out of the house one day (shocking us all).

 

I've told my girls so many times that sometimes, to achieve the goals they want to achieve, they have to start out working with the reality of the world as it is - not as they want it to be. And people's perceptions CAN be changed... but it often takes a mighty strong personality to do that without changing some element of ourselves just a tad bit.

 

If you want to be taken as a serious business-person, for instance, you have to dress the part (or be such an outlier that it doesn't matter).

 

If you are a young lady who wants people who've known you for years to SEE that you are growing up ... but your physical stature is destined to remain slight... you just might have to give those people a strong, obvious nudge to visually realize that you are growing up and not a child anymore. People can be dense and sometimes you have to force them to see what's right in front of them.

 

If she hasn't physically changed dramatically over the past couple of years... and she is still dressing the same (I know how that is -  my daughter still has clothes from when she was 10 years old because she barely grew after that!) ... then people aren't being given the traditional mental triggers to SEE that she's changed inside.

 

The dramatic reaction when my dd simply got a slightly different haircut and wore non-baggy clothes after one summer ended and school stuff started up again ... was shocking and immediate. (before that point, she was a pony-tail girl who wore basketball shorts and t-shirts. Her "big change" was a simply styled haircut, *slightly* fitted t-shirts and jeans/khaki shorts. You'd have thought she was dressed like Cleopatra with the reaction she received those first couple of weeks. :rolleyes: ) There was lots of visible mental shuffling by people as they reassessed how they interacted with her - both her peers and adults alike.

 

So - while I don't *like* it - I will say - it was a direct approach that worked quickly & dd was much more in control of her own persona after that.

 

(Now dd dresses like such a girlie-girl that her younger self would scoff at her older self. But, both her "selves" were equally happy with their appearance... so it's all good... lol)

Edited by hopskipjump
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Might be tough now, but, she is going to love it when she is 35. I would not change anything.

 

DD17 has a 14 year old on her dance team like this, She is very petite and treated like the baby even though there are others younger. Everyone adores her, however, and her doll-like gifts, I am sure, will be a great asset to her one day. And, not to mention, she will look fabulous when she is 40.

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I would focus on posture and clothing, but not make up. I would take her shopping in the person women's section not juniors. Look at comfortable classic pieces.

 

Her voice may sound young because she is small. She may want to try working on a confident tone. That will take experimenting in her part to find the right tone.

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Might be tough now, but, she is going to love it when she is 35. I would not change anything.

 

DD17 has a 14 year old on her dance team like this, She is very petite and treated like the baby even though there are others younger. Everyone adores her, however, and her doll-like gifts, I am sure, will be a great asset to her one day. And, not to mention, she will look fabulous when she is 40.

Well, not necessarily. I have people who treat me as much younger--always have--and it's totally demoralizing. Recently I was maid of honour for a close friend. When she was trying on dresses, the sales woman said something along the lines of "don't worry, someday that will be you". I was 43--older than the bride--and married for 22 years. WTF? Nope, being talked down to like a teenager didn't feel good at all.

 

OP, I'm sorry for your daughter. It's a tough position to be in, and sometimes no matter what you do there's nothing that can really change how other people perceive you. I do agree that appearances matter to a certain degree, but it might just be her annoying burden to bear.

 

Hugs to her.

Edited by MEmama
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I fear I gave a wrong impression of my daughter.  

 

She doesn't wear "little girl" clothes...just not trendy, teenager clothes.  This winter she lived in blue jeans and yoga pants with sweaters and t-shirts.  This summer she mostly has been wearing jean shorts (not short shorts) and fitted t-shirts.  She doesn't wear athletic wear (like lots of kids do) because she isn't athletic. Could she use a style update, quite possibly...but in order to find clothes that are both stylish, age appropriate and modest, I fear I will go broke first.  Plus, where we live, our shopping options are VERY limited.  We shop in the ladies department, not juniors.  But, many things in the ladies department don't fit her, because of her size...some things do...

 

She has long hair...and likes it..but I can see maybe getting a different hair style might be a good thing for her.  Just not sure what that might be.

 

She does lack self confidence and doesn't like to be in the spotlight. We are working on that too.

 

I appreciate all you are saying.

 

Someone asked how she is different than her cousin...

 

1) they live in NYC, we live in rural Nebraska

2) she had been to France for schooling (her mom is from France), she is in India right now doing some sort of medical internship

3) she goes to a big city high school, we homeschool

4) she is taller and more confident

5) her interests are more in line with the other cousins because it revolves around all of the trendy topics that they all talk about...latest TV shows, their phones, etc (which we limit and we all agree is a good thing)

 

the list could on and on.

 

What is puzzling to me is that my dd wants to be a teacher and on my side of the family, we have 4 school teachers...and they still can't remember to converse with my dd about that common ground....because they are too busy on trendy topics....this is mostly older cousins, but also an aunt and uncle.

 

We are leaving in a week for Texas for a family wedding...and she has nothing to wear to the wedding.  we have been looking, buying things online, returning things because they are too big....too short....we did find one nice dress and it will probably work...but I guarantee, not a single person under the age of 45 will be wearing a similar dress.  I know this because we actually went to a wedding yesterday and nearly all of the gals (young and old) were wearing dresses that were short or super short, very low in the front, and simply not appropriate.  She just doesn't want to stand out because she doesn't fit in with those her own age.  

 

Thank you all so very much for your suggestions an your hugs...and your good wishes.  I wish I had more than one week to help her find a new look.  She works (nannying for a young girl) and so our time is short and limited.

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Most shorter women need to shop in the petite section, or in specialty stores. Perhaps your trip to Texas might be an opportunity to browse more widely. If you find a brand that has online shopping, you could buy an item or two, but also gain the confidence to order online from that source.

 

It might be that her ideas about "modesty" -- or, more specifically her ideas about the "immodesty" of other people -- could be alienating. I think it might be time for her to live her own values: without needing to compare her taste in fit and coverage with other people's perfectly appropriate options. It's a unnecessary point of contention. She doesn't need to affirm herself by disparaging others -- and someday she may want to experiment with something a little 'edgy' (for her) without wondering about "modesty" rules from some external source.

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My youngest, now 21, looks far younger than her age, even when she is professionally dressed (slacks, blazer, nice shirt, etc.).  She is going into early elementary education as not a good idea to try and teach middle school or high school as a petite youthful woman who looks like a 12-year-old. 

 

But wait until she is pushing 40 and still looks 20!  :-)

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My daughter (16) and I had a conversation tonight....

 
people....lots of people...those she know her well and those she doesn't, treat her and talk to her like she is 12 years old.  These people simply talk to other kids her age differently. I have witnessed this...their voice inflection changes, the types of topics of conversation changes, the types of questions they might ask, changes.  
 
My dd is small and she doesn't look like a typical teenager...so people don't treat her like a 16 almost 17 year old...and it is so frustrating to her.  Even her relatives are like that...they treat and talk to her same aged cousin like she is an adult...but they talk and treat my dd like she is a kid.  Even if she tries to converse about adult topics...it doesn't work. 
 
I don't know how to help her with that.  She doesn't wear teenage, trendy clothes...she doesn't wear make-up...she is short....
 
 she doesn't even like the typical teenage clothing styles..skirt above her knee, shirts without shoulders, tight, skinny jeans...
 
My dd isn't athletic, and around here that is the end all.  The things that she likes, are actually more grown up in my opinion...she is more about teaching small children, playing the organ for our church and others churches...she loves doing things for other people. But those things set her apart from at least the teenagers around here...but for whatever reason, it doesn't make people think she is older...they still treat her like she is a 12 year old. 
 
does anybody here have a daughter like this, who struggles with the same things?
 
 
any suggestions for me...or her?  
 
I want to think this will change for her in college...but I honestly don't know if it will.  And no matter how hard I try to convince her to be who she is, it still hurts and she is still sad and frustrated. 

 

 

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Then, is her problem more about lack of worldly experiences and ability to talk about worldly things compounded by her size? I think most of us homeschoolers deal with this to some extent. Many times our kids are sheltered whether we choose that or not. I never minded my kid being left out of those situations. But, if that keeps her from being able to engage in worldly conversations, then indoctrinating her in that regard may be your best bet. Give her books on worldly topics, allow worldly movies, and teach her how to initiate conversations.

 

She sounds fun with the casual clothing and long hair. She would fit well at our house. I still do not think I would change anything. The cousins just have different lives. So be it.

 

And to the poster who was offended by being in her 40's and told that she might be a bride one day. I would kill for that to me. I guess we may just want what we don't have. Lol.

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I would not have her change her appearance at all. She is free to be who she wants to be and shouldn't be pressured to fit in or put on a look that doesn't feel real. I would work with her on assertiveness; eye contact, confident voice, conversational skills, posture, and things like that. Those will take her farther and over time people will take her more seriously. 

 

I was the petite female treated like a child forever. I have a little girl voice and there's nothing I can do about it- today, it's nice. When telemarketers ask for my parents, I can honestly say they aren't home!  ;) You can teach her to use her appearance as an advantage. People will underestimate her, people may be more inclined to be kind to her, they'll look out for her. Those can be advantages. I always felt my taller friends who looked older than they were had the harder lot because people always expected more from them, whereas I could always be surprisingly mature or good at what I did. 

 

IMO, it's better to realize how people see you and work with it to your advantage than to fight it.

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I fear I gave a wrong impression of my daughter.

 

She doesn't wear "little girl" clothes...just not trendy, teenager clothes. This winter she lived in blue jeans and yoga pants with sweaters and t-shirts. This summer she mostly has been wearing jean shorts (not short shorts) and fitted t-shirts. She doesn't wear athletic wear (like lots of kids do) because she isn't athletic. Could she use a style update, quite possibly...but in order to find clothes that are both stylish, age appropriate and modest, I fear I will go broke first. Plus, where we live, our shopping options are VERY limited. We shop in the ladies department, not juniors. But, many things in the ladies department don't fit her, because of her size...some things do...

 

She has long hair...and likes it..but I can see maybe getting a different hair style might be a good thing for her. Just not sure what that might be.

 

She does lack self confidence and doesn't like to be in the spotlight. We are working on that too.

 

I appreciate all you are saying.

 

Someone asked how she is different than her cousin...

 

1) they live in NYC, we live in rural Nebraska

2) she had been to France for schooling (her mom is from France), she is in India right now doing some sort of medical internship

3) she goes to a big city high school, we homeschool

4) she is taller and more confident

5) her interests are more in line with the other cousins because it revolves around all of the trendy topics that they all talk about...latest TV shows, their phones, etc (which we limit and we all agree is a good thing)

 

the list could on and on.

 

What is puzzling to me is that my dd wants to be a teacher and on my side of the family, we have 4 school teachers...and they still can't remember to converse with my dd about that common ground....because they are too busy on trendy topics....this is mostly older cousins, but also an aunt and uncle.

 

We are leaving in a week for Texas for a family wedding...and she has nothing to wear to the wedding. we have been looking, buying things online, returning things because they are too big....too short....we did find one nice dress and it will probably work...but I guarantee, not a single person under the age of 45 will be wearing a similar dress. I know this because we actually went to a wedding yesterday and nearly all of the gals (young and old) were wearing dresses that were short or super short, very low in the front, and simply not appropriate. She just doesn't want to stand out because she doesn't fit in with those her own age.

 

Thank you all so very much for your suggestions an your hugs...and your good wishes. I wish I had more than one week to help her find a new look. She works (nannying for a young girl) and so our time is short and limited.

Can you post a picture of the dress, or of a similar dress? I'm trying to picture a dress that wouldn't be worn by anyone under the age of 45 and I can't quite figure it out.

 

Your dd is 16, not 6, so I'm not really sure how you define "inappropriate" in terms of dresses. I understand that she doesn't want to wear anything that's very lowcut or that's super-short, but there are a lot of cute dresses out there that are worn by young women in their teens and twenties that are more conservative than that, yet also don't look like they were borrowed from Grandma's closet.

 

I hate to say this, but if your dd looks and acts young for her age and she's not able to converse with people on current topics and issues, I'm not too surprised that she is being treated differently than her same-age cousin. If your dd didn't care that she was being perceived differently, I would say that was fine and that she doesn't have to change a thing, but it sounds like she does care. It sounds like she wants to grow up but she's not sure how to do it.

 

Are you sure she doesn't like any of the current fashions, or could it be that she's just self-conscious about wearing them? How does she feel about makeup? Does she dislike it, or does she simply worry that she doesn't know how to shop for it and how to apply it properly?

 

I'm sure your dd is wonderful exactly as she is, but I'm not sure she's convinced that she's wonderful exactly as she is, so it might be time to loosen up a little. It might be time to let her be exposed to more worldly things (not necessarily trashy stuff!), like current movies or TV shows or even popular YouTube channels, as well as steering her toward fashions that are more appropriate for a 16yo girl than they are for a 45yo woman, if your dd thinks any of those things would help her feel and appear more confident and grown-up.

Edited by Catwoman
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I'm with catwoman. I have a very modest quiet spoken short 16 yr old dd. But she can find dresses and discuss current topics. She's more modest and better at conversing small talk than I am. Though she's also rather naive, people speak to her mostly normally.

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We are leaving in a week for Texas for a family wedding...and she has nothing to wear to the wedding.  we have been looking, buying things online, returning things because they are too big....too short....we did find one nice dress and it will probably work...but I guarantee, not a single person under the age of 45 will be wearing a similar dress.  I know this because we actually went to a wedding yesterday and nearly all of the gals (young and old) were wearing dresses that were short or super short, very low in the front, and simply not appropriate.  She just doesn't want to stand out because she doesn't fit in with those her own age.

 

Gently -- If "nearly all" of the females at an event were wearing similar clothing, then in all likelihood their clothing was NOT inappropriate.

 

That's pretty much how things work -- the majority gets to decide what is appropriate or not.

 

Any of us can disagree with that, but we need to own the fact that we're going against the current.

 

I'm really not exactly sure what my own point here is, except that it might help your DD--if nothing else help her self confidence--to "own" her own values. To own them as hers and not to blame anything on anyone else. Not that I'm saying she's doing that. This is my own personal example -- I've always preferred more modest, classic type clothing than what's usually in style. Even when I was a teen. But I "owned" that as my own and ran with it. I didn't feel like what everyone else chose to wear was inappropriate because it was different than what I preferred. She really can't have it both ways--pretty much she either chooses to blend in or for her own preservation she should learn to own her choices and be proud of them. If she can learn to do that it will be a great confidence builder and will probably help others view her as closer to an adult.

Edited by Pawz4me
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FWIW, I'd see if she could call them on it.  "You do realize I'm 16, right?"  They may honestly not be thinking about it and one line said in an appropriate time could end the problem with those she knows.

 

There's a teacher at our school who looks really young and often gets mistaken as a student.  She's learned to be up front with parents and anyone else she meets who might be "acting" incorrectly telling them of her position - even acknowledging that it's a common mistake afterward.  She never has to correct the same person twice and she didn't have to change her clothing or wear make up or anything else.  It's just something she has to deal with as she's shorter and still relatively young.

 

Around here wearing make up isn't necessarily going to help.  It's pretty common starting in 7th grade or so.

 

I'm another who has no interest in wearing make up, so definitely don't see "that" as a need of any sort.

 

Like others, I've no issues with those who choose differently - only the suggestion or implication that grown ups naturally head that direction.  Not all of us.

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A lot of elementary teachers at my school have a similar "formula" for clothes. They can't be too fancy because they spend a lot of time outside or sitting on the floor, and they have to be fairly modest as well. The formula is usually:

 

Cute top/ nice t-shirt + cardigan + slightly fitted chinos or colorful skinny(ish) jeans. For shoes, some wear flats, others wear more comfy shoes like loafers/clogs, which are still cute!

 

I think this look works for anyone from the teen years up. A teenager could wear colorful chinos and a sweater, or tank top with cardigan, or a plain old t-shirt. Your daughter could google "cute teacher outfits" and see if she likes anything on Google images. If teaching the profession she wants when she finishes college, it could be good to start learning about what teachers are wearing these days.

 

When I think back to what I wore at 16... *shudder.* It was awful! Your daughter is lucky to have you helping her!

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In terms of *how* to do a makeover, you could look at Dressing Your Truth.  She'll do better if she's dressing to honour her own energy type, instead of dressing a way to copy another style or whatever.  For instance, bright, bubbly people wear bright, bubbly colours.  Softer, quieter people wear softer, quieter colours.  But if you're a softer type, and you wear the bubbly-type colours, then people will expect you to match what you wear, and when you don't that can really affect how they view you.

 

And absolutely you can honour your own sense of style in that.  T-shirts and yoga pants can be worn in a lot of different colours, and a lot of different ways--the cut of the t-shirt, for instance, can change a lot.

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FWIW, I'd see if she could call them on it.  "You do realize I'm 16, right?"  They may honestly not be thinking about it and one line said in an appropriate time could end the problem with those she knows.

 

:iagree: The sooner she can learn to speak up and advocate for herself the better.  If someone speaks down to her, she can change the tone of the conversation. 

 

Who does this to her?  I've just noticed having one kid that was younger looking for a long time that it was usually people who weren't around young people very much making the assumptions.  In those cases, I would encourage my son not to get bent out of shape about it and that he is always free to change the tone of a conversation to something that interests him.   He doesn't usually have this problem in peer groups or in activities for his age range or academic level.

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I don't often join in on the chat board, but this one I can relate to.

 

My 20 year old is physically very small. Short and thin.

She has no interest in fashion at all. She never shops for clothes, shoes, bags etc. Never. She wears whatever is on the top of her pile. It's usually jeans and a funny t-shirt.

She owns no make-up or jewellery, and has never had her hair styled. She brushes it before going out. That's it.

She's just not interested in these things and she would feel fake if she tried to change them. 

 

Once, she was asked what grade she was in at the local school. That school is a primary school (max age there is 12). She was in her 2nd year of uni at the time and 19 years old.

 

Occasionally, these things bother her. 

But mostly she can laugh them off and it's the other person who ends up feeling a bit awkward for having said it in the first place.

 

My goal would be to help your daughter be confident in herself and being herself. 

I agree with the ideas of focusing on confidence - things like eye contact, posture, speaking clearly and confidently, politely correcting etc. 

To me, these are all positive life skills that go beyond physical appearance.

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I find it interesting people think only girls have this problem of people thinking they're younger than they are. I have vivid recollections of a friend dealing with this with her son.  (he dealt with it by grooming)

 

eta: and there can also be the opposite problem.  a really big kid- gets treated as though they are the age they appear.  re: a three year old who is treated like a brat because he doens't act like he's  six, even though he's as big as one.

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This would have been me too. Frankly, there is no way that saying a woman has to wear makeup and dress a certain way in order to not be treated as a child that doesn't sound sexist and condescending. Even though it's totally true.

 

ETA: and yes, I don't care if other women want to wear it. Heck, I've even come to enjoy it myself at times. But 10-19 year old me was a bit more adamant that I wasn't buying into this social expectations nonsense.Ă¢ËœÂºĂ¯Â¸

I still don't wear makeup and have maybe 3 or 4 times in my life.
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I find it interesting people think only girls have this problem of people thinking they're younger than they are. I have vivid recollections of a friend dealing with this with her son. (he dealt with it by grooming)

 

eta: and there can also be the opposite problem. a really big kid- gets treated as though they are the age they appear. re: a three year old who is treated like a brat because he doens't act like he's six, even though he's as big as one.

We have been dealing with that a bit with my son - but in one context. Scouts. He is almost finished his Cheif Scout Award (earned by 13 to 14yo's), but has had the other scouts (and the one leader at least), try to send him to work on the lower level badges, or not include him with the senior scouts. I have had to work on getting him to speak up for himself.

 

I am also worried about the treated older issue... as my 11yo girl is looking more like 15-16ish suddenly....

 

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It can be tougher for guys because there really is no way to dress older or play older. My 17 year old nephew just started wearing men's sizes (my 12 year old son is currently on the borderline some of the largest boy's clothes .. some men's smalls). It has been really hard for nephew being perceived as 12-14.

 

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17yo dd is very petite, doesn't dress in fashionable teen clothing, wears no makeup, and typically wears her hair in pigtails.  She could easily pass for 12, but most people ask her if she's in college.  In her case it's a matter of body language, and the confidence with which she presents herself to the world.  

 

If clothing, makeup, or hairstyle can help someone have that confidence, that's great.  Dd picked up the mannerisms she wanted from being around college and post-college kids, internalizing how they moved and presented themselves to the world.  For the record, dd is in theater, so she tends to notice things like that about people, and spends time pondering how things like  movement and inflection play into others' perceptions of her (or her characters).

 

Also, in her case, she's pretty happy that she'll soon be turning 18, meaning she can be hired as an adult, yet can pass for someone much younger -- it gives her an edge on being cast for children's roles.

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Lots of women in my family are short and we also look young.  I learned to never let anyone do anything for me, such as reach something on a high shelf.  As soon as they think you can't do one thing, they assume you can't do a lot of things and that you may not even be able to think for yourself.  Not everyone is like this of course, but you can never be sure which ones are so it's best to just start out this way.

To tell you the truth I'm at the age now where I do enjoy the looking younger! It took over 40 years to get there though!

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I find it interesting people think only girls have this problem of people thinking they're younger than they are. I have vivid recollections of a friend dealing with this with her son. (he dealt with it by grooming)

 

eta: and there can also be the opposite problem. a really big kid- gets treated as though they are the age they appear. re: a three year old who is treated like a brat because he doens't act like he's six, even though he's as big as one.

I don't think this is only a girl problem. I've seen what you describe as well. But the OP was in reference to a daughter so that's what most of us responded to.

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My dds have the opposite problem.  And it is just as frustrating!  My youngest dd just turned 12 and she looks 17.  I have had to intervene when 18-20 year olds have tried to pick her up. :)  I have tried to talk to her and make light of it.  All in all both girls have been dealing with it for years.  When I dropped dd off at a youth trip, it really hit me.  We homeschool, so rarely do I see my kids with just their aged peers.  But, when I saw my dd with all the 6th grade graduates together I was a bit shocked.  One of the leaders asked if she was a chaperone.LOL  She is tall and um...well endowed... She loves fashion.  I let her wear some edgy clothes(well, for my taste, LOL) So, shorts and skirts that are on the shorter side(has to wear undershorts with skirts), shoulderless shirts...etc.  DD15 is much more conservative with dress.  And that's her choice.  I never will make my girls feel like they can't dress how they want.  DD15 loves makeup tho. She learned from Youtube. I'm wearing makeup the same as I did when I was 25 so I'm no help there!  She loves trendy makeup. 

 

You can't change how people see you.  Since it bothers her(And only since it bothers her...) there are some things she can do to look and act a little bit older. Since there are family members that are in the field she wishes to pursue, can she think of some conversation starters or questions that will show them she is headed in that direction?  My dd15 wants to be a biologist.  She made it into a mentorship program at a natural history museum this summer. She researched topics so she could engage conversation.  Using proper terminology has helped her.  She doesn't just say, :I want to be a scientist when I grow up."  She asks specific questions and she listens to the answers.

 

A few years ago, we were out of the loop with Pop Culture stuff.  It really doesn't interest me.  My girls didn't know who the Rolling Stones were. LOL  So, we treated learning about such things like planning to visit a foreign culture. LOL  We just started researching, listening to music, watching a few movies.  We had a lot of fun.:)  We still joke about some of the stuff.  We are rural midwest.  So, we did have to make an effort.  I don't think it really harmed us much.  Now, we keep up enough for conversation.  We tried to with sports and it really helped that the Cubs won the World Series last year, but alas..none of us even remotely enjoys it.  But, we know teams and such.  We know who's having a good/bad year(at least local teams.)  

 

I just bought the girls this dress for summer.  DD has gotten a bunch of compliments and it is so pretty on her.  It's hip and retro.:) Should work for a wedding.

51zRFv2euCL._AC_US200_.jpg

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When it comes to clothing/grooming/makeup, of course it is not right to judge someone by those things, but it is reality.  Maybe you could explain to her that no, they shouldn't treat her differently based on what she wears, if she wears makeup, but the reality is that people will.  If she wants to experiment with that and see if she gets results that she wants great.  If it is not something she wants to mess with, but accepting that she may still struggle with being treated as younger, then great also.  Explaining reality doesn't have to be "pressuring someone to change".   I had the same convo with DD about visible tattoos.  

 

I know two girls like your daughter.  Both very small, treated as little kids a lot.  One always wore... not little kid clothes, but not age appropriate clothes either.  Kind of a thrift shop mashup that sometimes resembled old lady clothes.  She never wore makeup or fixed hair, just wore straight and long.  She started wearing a tiny bit of makeup, fixed her hair into a style occasionally, wore modest but age appropriate clothes.  She absolutely was treated differently.  The other one wore mostly what I would call "i dont care" clothes.  Grungy jeans, sweatpants, baggy tshirts.  No makeup.  She has not changed at all over the years, still gets treated younger, but is okay with it.  

 

Clothing and presentation do affect how people treat us and view us.  You can change it or embrace it.  It's still reality.

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Despite wearing make-up and trendy clothing at that age people still thought that I looked younger.  I would suggest that she wear what she likes.  Changing our outer appearance is catering to the shallowest of interactions, in my opinion.  Sure, it can influence people's first impression but these sound like friends and family that have known her for a long time.  I would think that it might have more to do with them not knowing how to engage with her if she isn't interested in the "normal" teen things.  She may need to direct (and redirect) small talk. 

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I would just offer a makeover as a one day, fun thing. She may be more intimidated by make up and such than out and out disliking it. And seeing how different she looks may give her an option for dressing up on the occaisions she wants to, but she may still choose her normal look for every day stuff. It's about giving her the option. A trip to a mall where they will apply make up to her would be fun, or some salons will do it. 

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My dd is 13 and she's tiny (4'10", 90lb). We've been to 3 family weddings in the last year and we got all her dresses at Macy's.

These are the dresses she wore.

 

https://m.macys.com/shop/product/city-studios-juniors-lace-fit-flare-dress?ID=2294219&CategoryID=18109

 

 

https://m.macys.com/shop/product/speechless-juniors-glitter-lace-party-dress-a-macys-exclusive?ID=2392507&choiceId=cidM11MAS-5e1d90f4-38ee-4c28-be90-ed1c352e9054%40H5%40you%2Bmight%2Balso%2Blike...%2418109%242392507&context=PDP_ZONE_A

 

 

And one other one that was very similar to the other two.

They were long enough on her because she's so tiny.

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