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So am I a tiger mom?


NoPlaceLikeHome
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I am going through the teen years with my kid who is a very good kid but loves to push back on almost everything!

 

Well, anyway we spent hundreds of dollars on swim lessons as a life and safety skill over the years and he just recently about got the swim strokes down last summer. Well anyway we have a pool here downstairs and he rarely wants to go down which is ok with me but I am hoping for a few times a week over the summer.

 

So we went down with my husband and after they were socializing  in the pool for 10 minutes  I asked ds if he could do 10 laps of the front crawl if he was able. I said obviously if he was short of breath or having pain or dizziness then only do what he could. Well my kid who is in decent shape does one length of the pool and stops. After few minutes I ask him if he short of breath or what not and he is not and just pushed back that I am expecting exercise. I clarified that I only wanted him to spend about 10 minutes practicing the front crawl and then he could do what he wants. I asked dh to support me on this and he gave a half hearted response which make me furious. So I left.

 

Am I wrong to expect my kid to practice the swim strokes for about 10 to 15 minutes when we are in the pool? Right now I can spit since I really believe it is important as a safety issue for him to be OK with swimming which to me means being able to do 10 or 20 laps in a pool which is not an olympic size pool at all.

 

The constant pushing back is getting to me especially when we try to make sure he gets a lot of free time as well as fun things to do:(

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If you have an expectation, you should have a plan in place for how he should work toward it, with time set aside for practice. I think popping a performance demand on him in what he thought was casual time is not the way to do this.

I can see your point. I did tell him several times that I hoped he would practice his swim skills this summer prior to today and have asked him on multiple days prior to this if he wanted to go to the pool and socialize and also practice a little bit and he said no and I did not force the issue.

 

I guess to me it is really important to have decent swim skills (I was a critical care trauma nurse so my perspective is skewed) for safety and social reasons. I did tell him that I only wanted him to practice for about 10 solid minutes and then he could do what he wanted which to me if not too much. Now if there was a bunch of kids his age down there or any kids his age down there to socialize with I would not have asked but it was just him and my dh.

 

I guess the constant teenage pushing back is getting to me. I honestly feel like telling him that he can do things himself and that I done catering to him but I am sure I will get over this feeling. I am not too happy with dh for being the good cop and making me the bad cop when he knows how I feel about learning swimming and how it took numerous lessons for my kid to just about be able to swim.

Edited by NoPlaceLikeHome
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I clarified that I only wanted him to spend about 10 minutes practicing the front crawl and then he could do what he wants. I asked dh to support me on this and he gave a half hearted response which make me furious. So I left.

 

 

No. I suggest you read the actual Tiger Mom book. She would not just have left. She would probably have doubled up her demands. Or something.

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I don't think it really works to give him an option ("hoped he would... if he wanted...") and then get mad if he doesn't take it. He obviously doesn't want to so if you are going to make him do it anyway, might as well own up to the fact that that's what you're doing and make an actual plan that he has to complete. It's perfectly fine that you feel strongly about swimming but obviously he doesn't appreciate your perspective and you're only going to frustrate yourself waiting for him to come around on those terms.

 

I would completely separate it from recreational pool time. 'Cause then you'll have it hanging over your heads about the pool, is it free time or is it time to meet an expectation imposed by mom? Make a schedule, for times when there's not a lot of kids around, for when he has to practice, and let him be when he goes to the pool for fun.

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How old?

If it were 6-8 who recently learned to swim, I might ask for four lengths (25m) with me swimming alongside.

You say teen. Are you doing family fitness activity. I'd set it up as everyone is swimming laps for 15 minutes before playing.

 

ETA everyone includes parents. I would not be telling teen to swim with me hovering to approve his strokes. 

 

 

Edited by Diana P.
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Is this a teenager like 13+? My kids would be mortified and horrified if I had asked that of them. A little kid, sure. But not a teen. If this is a teen, I'd set up an expectation, like "I expect that you will practice swim strokes an hour each week". Then let it go, don't nag, bug ask etc... at the end of the week if it's not done, no electronics for the next week. Simple. Lol.

Edited by mamakelly
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I agree with other posters that there is nothing wrong with the expectation but sitting down with DS and coming up with a predetermined plan is advisable. This gives you room to correct behavior as it is established already as an expectation.

 

I also understand why you felt frustrated by your DH's response. My husband and I have an understanding that we talk out our expectations with each other in private and never in front of the kids. If he or I make a judgment call that we might not agree with, we still support the parent in the moment in front of the child and discuss it later. If an adjustment needs to happen after the fact we do it (such as an apology to the child for not handling something well etc). Being a united front is important.

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My tactics are bribes, rewards, or dares.  I bet you can't do 10 laps in the pool!  If you do 10 laps, ice cream tonight!

 

That sort of thing.

 

I'm sneaky. 

 

This is exactly what I was thinking.

 

I'll give you one Hershey's miniature for each lap...  Ready?  Go!!!

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A teenager? Demanding to practice a skill during what was otherwise "free time"? Yeah, none of my teens would've liked that, at all. I'm kinda with your kid and dh.

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Ask your dh to lead stroke practice 3x per week.

 

If you were a tiger mom, your child would have been on a serious swim team for years.

My goal was similar, so looking at BSA Swimming Merit Badge set my expectations.

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No, you are not a tiger mom. Tiger moms are about ambition, competition and peak performance.

 

I really don't understand your approach though.

 

It sounds like you are using the language of hoping, encouraging and cajoling -- all of which clearly demonstrate that the choice belongs to him. Then you become so angry that you have to leave the room because he isn't interested in your preferred choice.

 

You call his response (reasoning with you) "push back" but I'm not grasping why you are discribing his words and choices as as "push back" -- was he rude, mean or adversarial? (Were you rude, mean or adversarial? Were you embarrassed?)

 

If the other choice is so very not-ok with you, you've got to just tell him so. "The new rule is that you must exercise in the pool, truly exercise -- which means front crawl -- at least 3 times per week, for at least 10 minutes. It's for health and safety, and it's not optional or negotiable. (Here's why it's so important.) If you don't do it, you will be grounded until you do it. The rule starts tomorrow. Let's pick your days and figure out what will help you get this done."

 

If you want it to be his choice, it's clear that he's not that interested. He won't accomplish your goals of his own volition.

 

Cajoling day-in and day-out is just nagging. You don't have to do that: you have the power to make rules and set consequences about things that matter to you. Only powerless people nag.

 

On the other hand: while I affirm your freedom to set your own parenting goals, and to choose your own methods, I seriously can't understand why you think the ability to distance-swim is a fundamental safety issue. I know accidents happen, and we can't prevent them all, and we try to prevent what we can... this one, I'm not seeing as one of life's everyday risks.

 

You're allowed to see it differently, of course, but it's usually worth thinking through our fears from another perspective from time to time.

 

If you need to build his swimming endurance for safety's sake -- just do so. Use your full authority; make a new rule, and enforce it. If you don't need to do that, encourage him, but don't be angry when he sees 'compliance with encouragement' as non-mandatory.

Edited by bolt.
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A teenager? Demanding to practice a skill during what was otherwise "free time"? Yeah, none of my teens would've liked that, at all. I'm kinda with your kid and dh.

I can see your point but this summer most of his time has been free time:) And he has refused to go down to the pool several other times this summer despite me encouraging that their might be other kids down there and that he could also practice some laps.

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No, you are not a tiger mom. Tiger moms are about ambition, competition and peak performance.

 

I really don't understand your approach though.

 

It sounds like you are using the language of hoping, encouraging and cajoling -- all of which clearly demonstrate that the choice belongs to him. Then you become so angry that you have to leave the room because he isn't interested in your preferred choice.

 

You call his response (reasoning with you) "push back" but I'm not grasping why you are discribing his words and choices as as "push back" -- was he rude, mean it adversarial? (Were you rude, mean or adversarial?)

 

If the other choice is so very not-ok with you, you've got to just tell him so. "The new rule is that you must exercise in the pool, truly exercise -- which means front crawl -- at least 3 times per week, for at least 10 minutes. It's for health and safety, and it's not optional or negotiable. (Here's why it's so important.) If you don't do it, you will be grounded until you do it. The rule starts tomorrow. Let's pick your days and figure out what will help you get this done."

 

If you want it to be his choice, it's clear that he's not that interested. He won't accomplish your goals of his own volition.

 

Cajoling day-in and day-out is just nagging. You don't have to do that: you have the power to make rules and set consequences about things that matter to you. Only powerless people nag.

 

On the other hand: while I affirm your freedom to set your own parenting goals, and to choose your own methods, I seriously can't understand why you think the ability to distance-swim is a fundamental safety issue. I know accidents happen, and we can't prevent them all, and we try to prevent what we can... this one, I'm not seeing as one of life's everyday risks.

 

You're allowed to see it differently, of course, but it's usually worth thinking through our fears from another perspective from time to time.

 

If you need to build his swimming endurance for safety's sake -- just do so. Use your full authority; make a new rule, and enforce it. If you don't need to do that, encourage him, but don't be angry when he sees 'compliance with encouragement' as non-mandatory.

I like your reasoning on setting the rules since maybe I have been a little wishy washy here. I like your idea of setting a rule and brainstorming with him.

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This is exactly what I was thinking.

 

I'll give you one Hershey's miniature for each lap...  Ready?  Go!!!

I like the idea of rewards and we do try to reward him in the sense that we try to things he wants to do on a regular basis. As for rewards with sweets, I am hesitant to use that method since dh and I struggle with obesity. Not to say we never have desserts here but we try to only have them several times a month. Any other ideas for rewards?

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How old?

 

If it were 6-8 who recently learned to swim, I might ask for four lengths (25m) with me swimming alongside.

 

You say teen. Are you doing family fitness activity. I'd set it up as everyone is swimming laps for 15 minutes before playing.

 

ETA everyone includes parents. I would not be telling teen to swim with me hovering to approve his strokes. 

I agree. My dh was in the pool. I was sitting at one of the tables reading my tablet. The other days I have asked him if he wanted to go t the pool I was encouraging him to go to the pool alone without me since he would probably have a better time without me;) I think folks are right that I should set up a rule and a plan with him and not ask but just tell him to go to the pool. Does that sound right?

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Teens need space and to feel in control of their lives. My teens hate to feel like they're being micromanaged. The less I micromanage, the better our relationships are. They also need opportunities to make their own decisions because pretty soon they'll be on their own.

 

Also, my kids do not like to practice strokes and laps when we go swimming for fun. They get plenty of exercise by playing around in the pool. This is not a battle I would pick.

 

If I really wanted stroke practice, I would set that up as a separate event. However, I wouldn't push it if my kid was already a competent swimmer. Finding a buddy or hiring an instructor to work with him would be options that might make practice more likely to happen.

 

I also don't think it was fair to put your husband on the spot like that and then to get mad. Putting him in the middle and then getting mad because he had different expectations isn't going to help the situation.

 

Raising teens is tough. It's my least favorite parenting stage. I've been mad about situations and had to walk away too. Teens need to learn independence, and sometimes it's hard to know when to let them make their own decisions and when to step in. My oldest is fiercely independent, and, while that made him hard to raise, it's helping him as a young adult living in his own.

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He's a teen?  I think that's a bit past the age when that sort of suggestion feels right.  :)

 

I might have tried a different strategy.  Like, "they say a competent swimmer is one who can swim ___.  They say only __% of Americans can do that.  Do you think you could do it?"  It would work even better if you show him you can do it, or try, fail, and let him prove he's better than you ....

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If he's not at the swimming ability you consider safe, you might sign him up for additional paid practice, e.g. swim team conditioning.  That way it's someone else telling him what to do, and peer influence would be an additional motivator.  There's a chance he'll still resent it, but if it's a serious safety issue, then just stand your ground anyway.  Like you wouldn't let your kid drive without good enough driving skills - no matter how much he grumbles.

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I can see your point but this summer most of his time has been free time:) And he has refused to go down to the pool several other times this summer despite me encouraging that their might be other kids down there and that he could also practice some laps.

 

Could the expectation that he swim laps be taking away the fun of swimming and socializing at the pool? It sure would have with my son. 

 

I think that if you expect him to work on skills, he needs to be in a club at his age. Other than that, pool time is for socializing (or working if you're a lifeguard). 

 

Basically the goal is to build endurance, right? Perhaps the whole family could go and stage races with each other? Maybe water polo?

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He's a teen?  I think that's a bit past the age when that sort of suggestion feels right.  :)

 

I might have tried a different strategy.  Like, "they say a competent swimmer is one who can swim ___.  They say only __% of Americans can do that.  Do you think you could do it?"  It would work even better if you show him you can do it, or try, fail, and let him prove he's better than you ....

I can see your point but we did years and years of lessons since he was about 4 years of age on swimming and he could only do the doggy paddle up until last summer :svengo: This is why I really want him to practice his strokes and be able to do about 10 or 20 laps in the pool. I don't expect him to ever be swim team material or what not. I just want him to be decent at swimming:)

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I like the idea of rewards and we do try to reward him in the sense that we try to things he wants to do on a regular basis. As for rewards with sweets, I am hesitant to use that method since dh and I struggle with obesity. Not to say we never have desserts here but we try to only have them several times a month. Any other ideas for rewards?

 

Hopefully someone else can come up with some ideas.  (I'm not very good at ideas at the moment.)  I understand your hesitation about the sweets.  Chocolate works for us because most of my kids are underweight.

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He probably doesn't want to swim around other kids because he's not a good swimmer and doesn't want to show it.

 

I agree with those who suggest trying to make it a family thing - do races with him - but not when his friends are around.  If you are going on any trips, that would be a great time to do this, as none of his friends would be watching.

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I'd get him private swim tuition over the summer. Kids progress a lot faster with one on one teaching. And he probably doesn't want to be in a skill-based class with other, who are likely to be younger.

 

He may not be confident enough to swim 10 or 20 laps. 

 

I wouldn't discount the role of embarassment in his refusal to swim laps.

We did do private lessons for 2 summers which is why he was finally able to learn the swim strokes. 

 

As for embarrassment, there were no kids there today and he actually looks like someone who can swim now thank goodness but I still want him to practice a few times a week for even 10 to 15 minutes since this was a hard won skill  and a safety issue to me. As for confidence his instructors did have him do that many laps in huge pools but unfortunately we cannot afford any more lessons since my dh works for the government and the current president would love to see his agency severely hobbled:(

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I don't see giving a 15yo a reward for swimming.  I think you need to convince him it's an important life skill and encourage him by practicing alongside.

 

Are you and your husband good swimmers?

I have tried to convince him since I am a firm believer in giving kid's the rational and reasoning behind my asking them to do something. 

 

DH and I are not the best swimmers and are old and out of shape. We are trying to get in shape though.

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OK so my family has invested a lot in learning to swim and time swimming. 

 

I had a rule that my dc take swim lessons 9 months a year until they were competent from age 3 and be on summer swim team from age 6-12. They still did lessons or a once a week kids lap swim program. My oldest never developed decent strokes. He was quite comfortable in water. He had great endurance, could tread for several minutes, could switch between swimming and floating. He had no interest in "getting better". He wasn't going to do what I wanted. He quit summer swim after age 12, never having improved his strokes, despite 60 minute practices daily for 2 months every summer, in addition to lessons. He didn't swim at all from 14-16. Then he decided to take lifeguarding. He passed the class and has done regular swimming workouts and keeps up with the rescue skills for the job. That was his decision. He had the basics and had the comfort level to start with. He had to decide on his own that he wanted to swim and he wanted to do more with it. 

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I can see your point but we did years and years of lessons since he was about 4 years of age on swimming and he could only do the doggy paddle up until last summer :svengo: This is why I really want him to practice his strokes and be able to do about 10 or 20 laps in the pool. I don't expect him to ever be swim team material or what not. I just want him to be decent at swimming:)

 

If he's 15 and been taking swimming lessons for 11 years, and up until last year he was still doing doggy paddle, I would be very disappointed in his instructors. Sounds like he could still use some formal swimming lessons with an instructor. There are usually options for teens, such as power swim classes or life-saving courses, where he'd be swimming with other teens and receiving instruction and motivation from the teacher and the other swimmers in the class.

 

You may also be over-estimating his ability to actually be capable of swimming for 10 minutes non-stop. If you're not a swimmer yourself, you may not realize just how tiring that length of time can be - in terms of aerobic endurance, technical skill and boredom. And if the pool is small, it may mean turning and changing direction every 30-40 seconds, which is not fun at all for an extended period of time. It's torture, in fact. Like pacing in a small room. 

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If he's 15 and been taking swimming lessons for 11 years, and up until last year he was still doing doggy paddle, I would be very disappointed in his instructors. Sounds like he could still use some formal swimming lessons with an instructor. There are usually options for teens, such as power swim classes or life-saving courses, where he'd be swimming with other teens and receiving instruction and motivation from the teacher and the other swimmers in the class.

 

You may also be over-estimating his ability to actually be capable of swimming for 10 minutes non-stop. If you're not a swimmer yourself, you may not realize just how tiring that length of time can be - in terms of aerobic endurance, technical skill and boredom. And if the pool is small, it may mean turning and changing direction every 30-40 seconds, which is not fun at all for an extended period of time. It's torture, in fact. Like pacing in a small room. 

Yeah I was disappointed. He took group lessons at the YMCA for years and they would teach how to kick, how to blow bubbles, how to float, how to move your arms but never put it together! He could do the doggy paddle comfortably in the deep end and even did across an olympic style pool. That is why I finally got him private lessons since he was getting older and I did not want him being a teen who could not swim.

 

As for 10 minutes the last 2 summers his instructors did have him do laps for about 10 minutes it seemed. Our pool here is about 50 feet long. Plus he can do an elliptical machine for 45 minutes so I am pretty sure he should be able to do at least 2 laps. I think he just did not want to:( I told him that if he was having shortness of breath or pain or dizziness that of course he should rest but he did not have that.

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If he's 15 and been taking swimming lessons for 11 years, and up until last year he was still doing doggy paddle, I would be very disappointed in his instructors. Sounds like he could still use some formal swimming lessons with an instructor. There are usually options for teens, such as power swim classes or life-saving courses, where he'd be swimming with other teens and receiving instruction and motivation from the teacher and the other swimmers in the class.

 

You may also be over-estimating his ability to actually be capable of swimming for 10 minutes non-stop. If you're not a swimmer yourself, you may not realize just how tiring that length of time can be - in terms of aerobic endurance, technical skill and boredom. And if the pool is small, it may mean turning and changing direction every 30-40 seconds, which is not fun at all for an extended period of time. It's torture, in fact. Like pacing in a small room. 

 

 

I don't agree that OP should be disappointed with he son's instruction. He could have had poor instruction. He probably had poor instructors some of those 11 years. But if it's taken that long I also suspect there could be some stubborness in play. Part of why my ds didn't improve was I was requiring swimming. He didn't want to be a part of something I chose--even if it was because I was concerned about safety. 

 

I also teach swimming myself. Over the years I've dealt with some kids who were as seriously stubborn as mine (very few thankfully). Most kids who don't want to be there get the message about the end goal. The end goal might be swim continuously 100m, or finish swim level 6, or be able to do the boy scout merit badge requirements.  They take the message and decide "well mom is going to make me do swim lessons until I do X, so I might as well figure out how to do X as quick as possible." Those kids do OK. They finish whatever family requirement and get through lessons. But there really are kids who will come to lessons regularly and not improve. They simply participate in class, but not apply any of the instructor's directions for stroke correction, even while every other child does. Really there are kids who are that stubborn. As I said my oldest was 1 and I've encountered one or two in the last decade when I was teaching. There are some kids that will absolutely torture themselves in the name of outlasting a parent's directive in an unwanted activity.

 

I do agree that the OP may not have a good handle on how much effort continuous swimming takes. 

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If it took him ten years to get past doggy paddling, it seems that he (like myself and many people) is not very physically talented, and I would not expect him to be confident enough to swim ten laps, especially if he hasn't worked on it since last summer. Ten years with such slight progress may have created a negative association for him, as well. If you are serious about imposing this goal on him you have to bite the bullet that it is a big ask. If he has the stamina to stay afloat, I'm not sure it's a good use of time and energy to worry about form or ability to traverse long distances. But if you really want to make him do this, you have to accept that it's a major project and provide the tools to make it happen. Minimizing it by saying "I *just* want him to do..." isn't going to magically make it into a small thing.

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Yeah I was disappointed. He took group lessons at the YMCA for years and they would teach how to kick, how to blow bubbles, how to float, how to move your arms but never put it together! He could do the doggy paddle comfortably in the deep end and even did across an olympic style pool. That is why I finally got him private lessons since he was getting older and I did not want him being a teen who could not swim.

 

As for 10 minutes the last 2 summers his instructors did have him do laps for about 10 minutes it seemed. Our pool here is about 50 feet long. Plus he can do an elliptical machine for 45 minutes so I am pretty sure he should be able to do at least 2 laps. I think he just did not want to:( I told him that if he was having shortness of breath or pain or dizziness that of course he should rest but he did not have that.

 

Glad that the private lessons have been more effective for your son. Does he only swim in the summer? And if so, has he taken any lessons this summer? If he hasn't been swimming in almost a year, then suddenly asking him to swim for 10 minutes is going to be overwhelming. Using an elliptical and swimming are very different. It takes far more skill and endurance to push ones body through the resistance of water then it does to step with an elliptical.

 

If swimming is a priority for you in terms of safety, why don't you do more yourself? The message you are sending, that swimming is only important for him to do, while you simply dictate what he does, is terribly one-sided. If it is an important life skill, then it's important for everyone, not just him. It's like a parent telling their child to wear a bike helmet, and they don't bother them self. Brain damage, or drowning, for the parent would be just as bad if not worse than for the child.

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Yeah I was disappointed. He took group lessons at the YMCA for years and they would teach how to kick, how to blow bubbles, how to float, how to move your arms but never put it together! He could do the doggy paddle comfortably in the deep end and even did across an olympic style pool. That is why I finally got him private lessons since he was getting older and I did not want him being a teen who could not swim.

 

As for 10 minutes the last 2 summers his instructors did have him do laps for about 10 minutes it seemed. Our pool here is about 50 feet long. Plus he can do an elliptical machine for 45 minutes so I am pretty sure he should be able to do at least 2 laps. I think he just did not want to:( I told him that if he was having shortness of breath or pain or dizziness that of course he should rest but he did not have that.

 

Swimming is a lot harder than the elliptical. I take DS to the pool at the gym we belong to and the first time I tried to swim laps there, I had to switch from the crawl to the breast stroke about halfway down the pool. I was so tired after 2 back and forth laps. I can do the elliptical for an hour easy and have pretty good upper body strength from working out, but swimming is a different beast. 

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It sounds like in the past you saying, "I wish you would...." or "I think it would be a good idea if..." was enough to convince him. He wanted to please you so did what made you happy. Now, he's becoming an adult and going to do what seems right to him, not you. That's normal. If you really need him to do something, you need to tell him to do it, rather than hint around that you would like it, wouldn't it be a good idea, etc. 

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Not a tiger mom, but also not reasonable.  Go swim laps yourself, hard, for ten minutes before you think about asking that again. And I'm a former nurse who requires swim lessons until you either pass the lifeguard class or move out.  And it sounds like the instructors at your Y are TERRIBLE. 

 

Keep your home pool for fun, and lessons for laps.

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If he is comfortable in the water, can float and tread water, then hasn't the safety goal been met?  As a child and teenager, I spent up to 36 hours in the pool at a time (sleeping on the floaters, eating at the side while kicking legs, etc).  I built up far more endurance diving to capture those stupid sticks, racing against the clock from one end to another and just plain making up my own games than I ever would have just learning strokes.  Let him just have fun in the pool.

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Does your son like to swim?   I'm not sure if I missed that in any of the previous posts.  If he does enjoy it, then my post won't be at all helpful so you can just skip it.

 

I hated swimming and am a terrible swimmer despite years of lessons.  I don't know if my instructors were good or bad.  I hope if they were good, they didn't get blamed for my lack of progress. I didn't try at all to progress, and would intentionally swim poorly when it came time to be tested to move up a level.  I didn't want to move up a level, and have to work harder than I already was. 

 

I agree that swimming in an important safety skill.  One of my kids did OK in swimming lessons; well enough to get the Boy Scout merit badge. The other... not so well. I took her to lessons longer than she or I would have liked but my husband was adamant that she take them. (He wasn't able to take her due to work schedule, but would swim with the kids when possible.)  But forcing me to go to lessons didn't help me to improve, and I'll never enjoy swimming.  It's possible my kid will eventually take more lessons by choice and improve.  Or not.  I avoid water but if I'm going out on a small boat, I'll gladly wear a life vest.  But I do that as little as possible too.  It hasn't hindered my life, though I could see that my husband was a little disappointed when he learned (on our honeymoon, whoops!) that I wasn't an enthusiastic or skilled swimmer.  

 

 

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I only meant that *if* it is non-negotiable, it needs to be very clear that it is a rule, and there will be consequences.

 

However, I *don't* think it is wise to make distance-swimming a non-negotiable. It seem to me to be a very minor parenting goal for you to be willing to apply the pressure of making it mandatory. People *hate* being controlled, and your son will hate this new rule. A lot.

 

I don't think the general population needs to be able to swim for 10 minutes. That doesn't fit my definition of basic safety. I don't think things that are spots/rec should be made mandatory unless they are for safety. Therefore this doesn't meet my my minimum standard for issues I am willing to get controlling in a teen's life for.

 

I believe you, that you have had experiences that make you think of distance swimming as a safety issue. If you *can't* release those ideas, if you truly *can't* believe that your son is generally safe in the world unless he can swim like this... then I suppose you have to go to the trouble and risk of requiring him to comply. But that's not because you are right. It's because you have much higher safety ideals than most people.

 

If you *can't* change your safety ideals, then your son will have to deal with your requirements, and you will have to make him do so. But, as for my advice, my advice is to stop making a mountain out of a recreational activity. You will both be happier if you can manage to be less fearful about his current swimming competence instead of ordering his summer around mom's manditory swim practice.

 

I think a mandatory swim schedule for a 15 year old is very restrictive.

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Glad that the private lessons have been more effective for your son. Does he only swim in the summer? And if so, has he taken any lessons this summer? If he hasn't been swimming in almost a year, then suddenly asking him to swim for 10 minutes is going to be overwhelming. Using an elliptical and swimming are very different. It takes far more skill and endurance to push ones body through the resistance of water then it does to step with an elliptical.

 

If swimming is a priority for you in terms of safety, why don't you do more yourself? The message you are sending, that swimming is only important for him to do, while you simply dictate what he does, is terribly one-sided. If it is an important life skill, then it's important for everyone, not just him. It's like a parent telling their child to wear a bike helmet, and they don't bother them self. Brain damage, or drowning, for the parent would be just as bad if not worse than for the child.

I agree with it being a priority for me too ideally but I have been struggling with asthma and COPD exacerbation since May. I have been doing the gym though with the recumbent bike and weight training now that my lungs almost feel normal again. In regards to being able to swim 10 laps it is not so realistic for me at this time due to my health issues but I have been modelling walking and doing workouts in the gym. 

 

As for lessons this summer, that is out of the question due to money reasons this year:( It is good to know about the elliptical and swimming but he was able to do many laps with instructors past 2 summers without doing swim lessons all year long so is it not reasonable to think that he be able to do at least a handful of laps? I told that ideally it would be at least 10 laps but I also told him if he was short of breath or had pain or felt dizzy that doing less is fine and he only did half a lap!

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Fwiw, my experience has been that endurance/safety in water is developed just by being in water. My 15yo lifeguard didn't know any official strokes nor had she ever done laps until she took her certification class. She has spent a lot of time in the water, and she is in athletic shape from her sports (high school dance team and track).

 

I don't know that your safety goal is only achieved through doing laps with specific strokes. I think just getting him more comfortable and stronger in water would get you to 90% of your goal. Once you get him there, he may be internally motivated to do the laps you so desire.

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Not a tiger mom, but also not reasonable.  Go swim laps yourself, hard, for ten minutes before you think about asking that again. And I'm a former nurse who requires swim lessons until you either pass the lifeguard class or move out.  And it sounds like the instructors at your Y are TERRIBLE. 

 

Keep your home pool for fun, and lessons for laps.

I see your point but I am not really expecting speed swimming. I am only expecting pretty good stroke form and a slow pace is just fine with me because I don't see speed as necessary.

 

I guess I am having a hard time envisioning it being too hard since he has done it before with instructors which unfortunately we cannot afford this year due to potential lay offs.

 

Also, when I was a kid that local pool had us do 10 laps before we could swim in the deep end. They expected this of everyone. I do remember it being very challenging but I was able to do it despite not having many swim lessons at all. 

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I agree with it being a priority for me too ideally but I have been struggling with asthma and COPD exacerbation since May. I have been doing the gym though with the recumbent bike and weight training now that my lungs almost feel normal again. In regards to being able to swim 10 laps it is not so realistic for me at this time due to my health issues but I have been modelling walking and doing workouts in the gym. 

 

As for lessons this summer, that is out of the question due to money reasons this year:( It is good to know about the elliptical and swimming but he was able to do many laps with instructors past 2 summers without doing swim lessons all year long so is it not reasonable to think that he be able to do at least a handful of laps? I told that ideally it would be at least 10 laps but I also told him if he was short of breath or had pain or felt dizzy that doing less is fine and he only did half a lap!

 

Gradually building up strength and endurance is recommended in any physical activity, and this is generally what instructors do throughout a set of swimming lessons. They usually start with a small number of laps and gradually increase the distance.

 

If you are unable to swim at the moment, encourage your dh to join your ds in the pool. It's a lot more fun to swim or exercise with a partner. It's also safer. You mentioned sending your ds down to the pool to swim on his own. If there is no lifeguard on duty, then he should never be swimming on his own. 

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