Everyone has an opinion (JAWM, Mostly)

[Guinevere]

We are making our annual trek to see family soon, and I'm feeling so anxious I could scream.

 

Everything that happens there is a subject to be discussed.  Really dumb things like,

 

Person there: Would you like some ice cream?

 

Me: No, thank you.

 

Person: It's low fat, and made with organic ingredients. (I don't do low fat, so that's not even a selling point for me, but I am overweight, so, whatever.)

 

Me: (raises eyebrows in appreciation) Wow! (shakes head with a smile) But, no.  Thank you.

 

Person: Are you sure?  I have plenty.

 

Me: Yes, I'm sure.  Thanks.

 

Person: Can the kids have some?

 

Me:  I'd rather they not right now.

 

Person:  All the other kids are having some.

 

Etc, etc, etc.

 

Or I pull my own laundry out of the dryer and start to fold it.

 

Person: You know, it's really better if you fold the shirts the other way so there isn't a crease.  

 

And then me trying to deflect without causing a scene, and the conversation goes on for what feels like a year.

 

Or the person talks to me nonstop about how people don't watch their kids well enough, while mine are running around unsupervised because I don't want to interrupt the person talking.  Or they comment negatively about how much I brought, but when I pack less, they say, "Oh, well I always pack swim suits (again, or whatever)."

 

I once had an argument about whether or not my children could go on a hike with strangers alone!  (These people were known to the other people, granted, but he wanted them to leave right then!) I did win, by the way, but mostly because my husband heard it and told the other person to knock it off.

 

This is not the same person, by the way, and I feel trapped any way I turn.  I just try to go for short visits and plan so well that no one sees anything I actually do.  If I am completely and totally prepared ahead of time for everything, then nothing comes up.  Don't need to do laundry, pack everything possible, easily accessible, but leave it in the car, make other plans at meals times, etc.  

 

I'm exhausted and I haven't even left yet.

 

I can't cause a big scene, and they wouldn't even get it anyway.  I know because I've sort of tried.  Any tips for managing the situation would be awesome, though.

[Guest]

Wow. I'm sorry. That would annoy me. Quickly.

 

My management would probably involve liquor. Maybe not the best tactic, but short of a tranquilizer I'm not sure if I could be trusted with any other coping method. Trying to manage through that sounds exhausting. (((Hugs)))

[SparklyUnicorn]

ugh...sounds like my MIL

 

except everything is said to me through translation..and then that makes me mad at her and my husband...LOL

 

I hope you survive!

 

 

 

 

[displace]

I would definitely stay in a hotel.

 

I would be unable to stand that for even a day.

 

It would likely prevent me from visiting in the future as often.

Edited June 24, 2017 by displace

[Carol in Cal.]

Can you smile at opinions, and say, "Do you think so?"  I have a friend who used to do this when she wanted to get out of a tricky line of conversation, and it worked really well.  It is helpful to have another subject to broach shortly afterwards.  

 

Regarding the offers to the kids, again a smile, and 'No thank you.'  Or 'Not this time'.  

 

If the kids are unsupervised, "Excuse me, I need to keep an eye on things over there."  

 

In general, have things to talk about.  If you take over the convo a bit, that gets everyone else a bit deflected and off the hook for convo starters as well.

 

 

[daijobu]

Wow, what a nightmare.  I wonder if you could plug in some earphones, listen to an audiobook or podcast and take a long walk.

 

But wait.  Then they might send your kids off with some strangers!  

 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?  Right?  

[Garga]

I feel your pain. I talk as little as possible when I'm around this sort of conversational style. It doesn't help much, but at least I'm not the one having to drone on about the topic. They'll have to drone on alone.

 

You can try not answering past your first answer. "Ice cream?" "No thank you." After that don't talk. Just shake your head no. I don't think it helps, but it gives them very little to work with for their harping on the issue.

 

Sometimes it's because the other person is trying SO HARD to please you. I know that the person is trying to be nice, but please...not *that* nice!

Edited June 25, 2017 by Garga

[gardenmom5]

they don't take no for an answer - which is rude.

 

don't engage in discussion - just keep repeating "no thank you"  - be a broken record.

 

as for instructions on how they think you should do things - "thank you for your opinion".  rinse repeat, don't engage in conversation.  if they tell you how to fold while you are folding - thank you for  your opinion - as you keep folding how you want them done.

 

if you're in a position to leave the room, "thank you for your opinion, I have something I need to do right now". (you do not need to specify it is getting away from them.)

 

iow: don't' engage.  some people just can't let go.  some people have insecurity issues, and want validation for their way of doing things.  and they're very obnoxious about it.

[Guest]

Bring your hard liquor of choice and when the people start making comments tell them you'll stop drinking when they stop talking.  After all, they'd want to help you maintain your health so why wouldn't they stop talking? :)

[Anne in CA]

So many good suggestions! I would... be prepared to mercilessly mock them for our amusement for the whole trip! Roast them with great delight, and roast them well done! Anyone remember the house guest who required so many sodas and mixed all the nuts together and all the other weird stuff? I loved it! We are ready for the madness! It's hot and we're bored!

[gardenmom5]

So many good suggestions! I would... be prepared to mercilessly mock them for our amusement for the whole trip! Roast them with great delight, and roast them well done! Anyone remember the house guest who required so many sodas and mixed all the nuts together and all the other weird stuff? I loved it! We are ready for the madness! It's hot and we're bored!

 

that doesn't sound very nice.

[Guinevere]

Thanks, everyone.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the weird one because I'm the only one there that doesn't act that way.  A little validation is nice, and much needed.

 

I live my life fine and happily here (900 miles away), but when we go back, it's like I turn into this scared hiding person.  I just don't have the energy to be clever and fight back in subtle ways.  I have to do this trip alone (no dh, but I will have kids), but dh and I have agreed it's the last one for a long time.  It's just not really worth it, though it makes me sad.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Guinevere

[Ausmumof3]

Wow that's nuts! I totally agree with the run on sentence technique. If at all possible never just say no thank you - say no thank you and continue on to introduce some totally unrelated topic for conversation before they get a word in!

[MEmama]

Oh my...this is EXACTLY how I feel every time certain people come to visit. I have to prepare for every possible scenario in advance, make sure I tend to everything that might possibly happen, I wear myself out with creating responses to conversations that haven't happened yet but might...

 

All I can offer is virtual hugs and good wishes. I have no idea why some people make simple stuff so hard for others. :(

Edited June 25, 2017 by MEmama

[Tangerine]

that doesn't sound very nice.

I think it was a clever and witty way of saying "come back and tell us stories," as a way of coping with wacky relatives.  Not a suggestion of what to do to their faces.

[Kalmia]

I used to live in a state where it seemed that all the natives found this constant questioning (interrogation) and suggesting their way was better to be normal daily conversation. I am from a state full of quiet, reticent, mind your own business, private people! Honestly, when I lived in this other state, it was like an assault every time I had to talk to one of them. What tragedy do they think they are averting by correcting your laundry folding?  What kind of mind has time to ask you to list every step of your daily plan and then suggest alternatives to each and every one of them? Is your way of getting to the grocery store always wrong, and since they know you live in the same town as the store, why do they even ask what route you are taking in the first place? Astoundingly in my native land, people fold laundry, go to the grocery store, and plan their day without any help!!!!!! I believe the people in my old area think they are "taking an interest", but to me it seemed a gross invasion of privacy and a constant game of one upmanship. I am so glad to be back with folks that simply raise a couple fingers (and not the middle ones) in greeting and get on with their business while staying out of mine, yet are the first to climb on the roof when they see you struggling chop out an ice dam or change your tire for you should you be stuck with a flat.

[FriedClams]

3 days. No visit longer than 3 days. Ever.

 

If you have to fly - go somewhere else before. If you drive - great. Limit it to 3 days.

[gaillardia]

You have my deepest sympathies as I am still struggling to throw away the old memories of horrible visits at our home or theirs. I keep erasing my messages here so just suffice it to say that many of us can relate. I'm sorry you feel as though you have no control. You absolutely do have control. We will all be very proud to hear of your victories when you get back. Maybe you can plan things to do every day that are just for you and your kids. It really helps.

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[snickerplum]

I SO know what you're saying. Been there, done that and will have to do it again.

You need to get more creative with your answers!

"You know, I'd love some ice cream, but it really messes with my digestive system...." said while your head is slightly cocked.

"Believe me, my kids would love some, but the sugar will have them up allll night and I'M not dealing with that." Give a look that says "are YOU willing to deal with that".

"I tried folding t like that, but this is the Martha Stewart does it..."

Just examples. I'm not saying lie through your teeth. Just embellish in ways that really make an impact. I mean, if they won't take no for an answer give them reasons to. Should you have to do that? No, but this is where you are.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Guinevere]

I really appreciate this, and I'm so glad I decided to post.  You have talked me down!  I can do this!  I'm mulling over these suggestions to see if I can take the edge off the trip somewhat, and I'm thankful to feel a little stronger.  At least, maybe I can entertain myself with some mental games while I wait for it to be over.  

[Tanaqui]

Honestly, I can think of two easy ways to deal with this, though they won't make you any friends. No, three ways. Okay, four, but that's it.

 

The first: Stop with the manners. Tell them reasonably politely the first time that no, you don't want ice cream or yes, you appreciate their concern about your laundry - but if they keep talking, tell them firmly to butt out. Possibly using stronger words. Word will get around that you're a cranky grouch, nobody will talk to you for the rest of the visit. Peace and freaking quiet.

 

The second: Answer them firmly but politely the first time. If they try to continue in that vein, don't respond at all. Hum quietly to yourself and ignore them. This can be helped by not speaking to them in the first place. I suggest investing in headphones.

 

The third: Be very, very, very boring. Memorize a few set phrases - "No, thank you", "Thank you for your input", "That's interesting", "I can't talk, I'm watching my children" - and do not deviate from them when people start up on this.

 

The fourth: Bean dip your way through. If Pesky Aunt Pam starts in with the ice cream pushing, say "No thank you - hey, did you read that article about the marshmallow ceramic? SO COOL, right?" If Pushy Uncle Pat goes at you about the laundry, say "That's interesting. Oh, I have to tell you, the kids did the funniest thing last month!" (Or, better yet, if you can pull this off - "Really? I don't know what you mean, though. Can you show me? Oh, thanks. Like this? No, that's still wrong? You'd better do some more. Oh, I think I get it, but... I'm not sure... can you get these as well? Thanks so much!" Bonus points if you can actually get them to fold all your laundry for you.)  When Cousin Sue starts in on child supervision, say bluntly "Thanks for reminding me, but I actually need to pay more attention to my kids now. I'd hate to have the rest of the family gossiping about me. Excuse me."

 

(Wait, that last one isn't bean dippy at all! Well, can't win every time.)

Edited June 25, 2017 by Tanaqui

[Tanaqui]

My mil once told me that my favorite color was wrong, and when I grew up, I'd like orange! Still don't like it and I'm almost 62. Smile, nod, change the subject, and try not to see these people more than once every 5 years. 

 

LOL WHAT!?

[Guest]

Oooh, I know!  You want to have fun but not be invited back anytime soon so take the initiative with the conversations!

Bright and early in the morning, tell them you are going to practice your meditation and mindfulness exercises for 2 hours and they are welcome to join you. If they join you, put on some relaxing sounds or guided stuff.  if they don't, put in your ear buds and have 2 blissful hours to yourself.

Afterwards, ask them if they'd like to join you and the kids at the local arcade.  if they come, tell them you can't hear over the loud noise.  If they don't, go do something fun.

For dinner, tell them that you've gone paleo (or whatever) and require a 12oz porterhouse with a large helping of made-from-scratch mash potatoes (can't have preservatives ya know!) and steamed veggies (or whatever).  If they pull the stuff out of their pantry/fridge, exclaim in shock "What?! You don't grow your own!?"

 

And so on...

Edited June 25, 2017 by WendyAndMilo

[J-rap]

I'm sorry.  I'd probably just try and get really good at changing the subject or smiling with an "oh well" kind of look.

[Garga]

I've been thinking about this and I think I might change my answer. At first I said to answer once, and then just nod or shake your head and don't speak past the first answer.

 

But for some people, this really is a communication style that is trying to be helpful. What if you decided to "when in Rome" and fully embrace the conversations.

 

Want some ice cream?

 

No thank you.

 

It's low fat and made with organic ingredients.

 

Huh? Really? I've never had organic ice cream. I'm really stuffed, but I'll taste a tiny nibble.

 

Do you want more?

 

Oh, no! It was wonderful to taste, but I'm stuffed. Thanks for the bite. OR That wasn't what I expected. I don't think I like organic.

 

Can the kids have some?

 

Yes, they can have one bite! OR Oh heavens! Have you seen my kids on sugar?

 

Everyone else is having some.

 

Really? Well, ok then! Ice cream for the kids!

 

 

 

If you fold your laundry this way, you'll have fewer creases.

 

What? Are you serious? How do you fold them? Well, isn't that something. I'll certainly try this method out! Thanks for the tip!

 

 

If they're trying to power play you and be mean, then go silent. But if they're trying to connect and be helpful, just let them. Make their day. Make them feel like they helped someone (you) today. It'll make their little hearts sing.

Edited June 25, 2017 by Garga

[Anne in CA]

that doesn't sound very nice.

Sometimes humor is the best way to cope with a passive aggressive person/ people.  The OP has been being nice, it's wearing her out. Humor can invigorate you. 

[Saddlemomma]

I may not be very helpful here, but I'm usually brutally blunt.  It's one of my many sins.  I just can't seem to help myself.  However, it usually stops people from making silly comments like you're describing.

 

A few years ago, SIL with her DH, DD (in her early 40's) & their DD (15) came to visit us for a day. DH and I hadn't seen them in years, and DH knows his sister and niece are very opinionated, somewhat snobbish, and have a totally different worldview than we do, but hey, she's his sister and, since there is such an age gap between them, he realizes that she and her DH did a lot for him when he was little. (DH's father died when DH was four)

 

Well, they came. I had worked hard to make our 50-acre farm look extra nice (LOTS of weed-whacking), as they had indicated they wanted a tour when they arrived. DH wore his customary jeans, pocket, T-Shirt and ball cap.  I had on my work jeans, gray T-Shirt, and ball cap & rubber boots.  We consider these our outside work clothes.  

 

Anyway when SIL gets out of the car, she comes to hug each of us and looks me up and down. They are dressed very stylishly, and they both even have matching hair dye jobs (dark auburn w/bright blonde streaks). It took everything I had not to drop my jaw, but I managed (SIL is in her 60's). Then DH's niece (SIL's DD) comes up to hug and also looks me up and down.  They don't say anything.  Later, during the tour, SIL comes over to me and asks, "Why are you dressed like that?" and she points at my clothes.

 

I looked at her, and then I pointed out at the view of the farm, directed her gaze that way, and said, "Do you see all that?" She said, "Yes."  I said "Farm".  Then I pointed at myself and said, "Farmer", smiled, and walked over to talk with her DH (he's a very nice, quiet man).

 

Not long after that, I was approached by SIL's DD (DH's niece).  I was asked the very same question in the very same tone.  I gave the very same answer. She just said, "Oh" and moved on.  Done and Done. 

 

After the tour, we all had pizza and visited in a very cordial fashion. There were no more silly questions.

[wintermom]

I just try to go for short visits and plan so well that no one sees anything I actually do.  If I am completely and totally prepared ahead of time for everything, then nothing comes up.  Don't need to do laundry, pack everything possible, easily accessible, but leave it in the car, make other plans at meals times, etc.  

 

 

 

Sounds exactly like what I'd do - avoid certain people and plan ahead.  Good luck!

[SereneHome]

When my IL's would do this sort of things, my Dad would tell me to just step back and pretend I am watching some weird theater production and not take it too seriously or too personally.  I wish I had my Dad's grace and dignity and class, but he is one of a kind...

 

So, over the years, I made it very clear (sometimes in a nicer way, sometimes not so much) that I don't appreciate unsolicited opinions, if I want any advice  - I will ask for it and any comments about anything re:  my house, my children, my parenting, my housekeeping will go unanswered.   They finally got the message.

 

It was hard, bc I try really really hard not to be rude in general and family members in particular, but I learned over the years that in some instances that's the only language people will understand.

[HS Mom in NC]

That's incredibly annoying.  What a PIA!

 

I'm wondering about the subculture that created this pattern of behavior.  When I think about how much I've hated the times I visited a certain part of the US (which I won't name) because people, particularly women, are extremely indirect, I wonder if this kind of thing is a factor.  Is there some cultural norm where there's an expectation that someone who does actually want the ice cream would feel compelled to say no a couple of times before saying yes because of their strange definition of politeness? If you don't grow up in, "Say what you mean so you can mean what you say" culture this kind of thing might be a possible reason people do this. 

I'm blunt by American standards so when someone asks me if I'm sure I'm inclined to say things like, "If I weren't sure I wouldn't have answered." If they say all the other kids are doing it I say things like, "I'm not responsible for other people's kids-just my own." When it comes to folding lessons I would say, "This is how I choose to fold my own laundry.  You do yours however you like." Or even, "I'm not going to do that." I say it all in a pleasant or matter of fact tone depending on if I'm responding to the same question/comment the first or more times.  Blunt is not rude.  Blunt assumes emotional maturity on the part of the person hearing it.  Direct, honest and straightforward are perfectly neutral things.  Someone might be emotionally uncomfortable hearing blunt, direct answers, but it's only a failure on their part-not a failure on the speaker's part. 

I would never consider staying in another person's home on a visit-even someone I really liked.   If I couldn't afford a hotel and my own transportation I wouldn't go.   

[heartlikealion]

Your approach sounds like mine... just anticipate and avoid lol. I don't like to wash clothes around my in-laws because I'd get a speech about the "right" way to use the washing machine settings (I've never chosen casual/permanent press in my life but that's how they wash a lot of stuff). So I'd do laundry when they weren't in the house. This kind of backfired last visit. They got a brand new washing machine and I didn't know how to do anything!! The door even locks. I had to ask for help lol. Packing enough to not need to wash is maybe best.

[Guinevere]

I thought I had a unique situation!  I'm sorry so many of you know exactly what I'm talking about!  

 

I went shopping today.  Mandatory swimsuit, coverup, and sunglasses, have been purchased.  My laundry is almost done so I can pack, and I will be packing as much as possible.  A few trips ago, I figured out that I could slip away to the laundromat for a few hours.  It's always empty there, so the kids can run around like crazy, and I can feed us all terrible food (but oh, so good) from a drive through.  I do all my repacking and reorganizing at the laundromat, too.  

 

My dh thinks you all are hilarious, btw.  :D 

 

And, Garga, that's what is the hardest for me.  It's a helpful power play.  If I give in, they will take over my life, and blame me for anything bad that happens.  (And judge and gossip about anything I tell them).  If I don't give in, I'm probably hurting their feelings and not connecting in the same "language" they do.  Sigh.  It's a tightrope.

[Peaceseeker]

If someone was correcting my laundry folding I would sit back and tell them to have at it. For everything else I would just smile and keep repeating in my head "and this is why we live 900 miles away" Possibly at some point I would also say these words out loud, if I was annoyed enough. Or at least under my breath while drinking my "smoothie" of vodka and orange juice.

 

I would probably stay in a hotel and come by for day visits. And visit only every 3-5 years instead of once a year. If that....

Edited June 26, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming