best way to handle fighting siblings

[Elizabeth86]

Pardon my ignorance, I grew up as an only child. My 4 and 5 year old fight a lot. My dh had a sister 2 years older and declares it normal and lets them fight it out. What do you do? Try to diffuse the situation or let them work it out? Is there a point that you make then stop or things you dont allow like hitting? I'm lost. I'll just admit right now I love all 3 of my kids, but I think if I knew then what I know now I'd only had 1. Dh says they are fine and happy, but if I had to live with that constant conflict I think I would die. UGH. I am not cut out for this.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I don't believe in letting kids fight it out, verbally or physically. Give them SKILLS toward conflict resolution.

 

I loved the book Siblings Ithout Rivalry.

 

I have 4, they have their arguments, but if I can tell they are escalating each other, I will step in. I also step in for unwanted teasing and purposeful bothering/annoying of a sibling.

 

I don't want to say it too loudly, but my kids really do get along well.

[catz]

I think working on conflict resolution skills is a positive way to handle it.  A NOT positive way to handle it is to put the onus on either kid or to take one kid's word over the other kid's word.  My brother and I were 18 months apart.  EIGHTEEN.  My parents ALWAYS said as the older kid I needed to compromise, etc.  Both my parents were youngest kids, I think they were overly sympathetic to my younger brother and were raised in families with very hands off parenting styles.  So I don't doubt they got the short end of the stick when they were parented.

 

I always say to my kids "how are we going to work this out" and put it in their ball court.  Reminding them to use words.  My kids are almost 4 years apart and boy/girl, but when they have conflicts I talk to them as equals and peers.  Over the years they are much less competitive and tense than I was with my brother.  I still don't have a good relationship with my brother.  My mom still treats him differently.

[MyLife]

I let my kids fuss with one another to a certain extent in order to give them an opportunity to try to work it out. I don't allow unkind words, stirring up trouble, or hitting. If the disagreement is headed downhill, then I will say something. We talk a lot about being peacemakers, being kind, forgiving...

[gardenmom5]

Pardon my ignorance, I grew up as an only child. My 4 and 5 year old fight a lot. My dh had a sister 2 years older and declares it normal and lets them fight it out. What do you do? Try to diffuse the situation or let them work it out? Is there a point that you make then stop or things you dont allow like hitting? I'm lost. I'll just admit right now I love all 3 of my kids, but I think if I knew then what I know now I'd only had 1. Dh says they are fine and happy, but if I had to live with that constant conflict I think I would die. UGH. I am not cut out for this.

 

 

my mother was an only - so she followed the carp advice of the time, and allowed us to "fight it out". . . . she also played favorites. 

 

I did NOT allow my children to "fight it out".   hitting is never allowed.  what I do depends upon the reason for the fight.  I've had kids break bones . . . (two boys fighting before I got there)

 

males have a different viewpoint of kids fighting becasue boys play fight.  this has been found in mammal studies as well. 

 

if it's two boys - are they "fighting" aggressively - or competing/play fighting?  if it's equal ability boys play fighting - i'd redirect them into something where it's more productive.

 

if it's aggressive fighting- it's absolutely not allowed.  at this age - i'd walk them through more constructive methods of working it out so they can learn what those are.

 

It's never made sense to me why people think different age small children - who can have huge gaps in ability- should be left to work it out themselves.  that means the higher ability child will always win - and the lower ability child will always be taken advantage of.

 

[wintermom]

Those close, young ages can be pretty ripe for bickering. If they happen to be energetic boys, it can move on to wrestling and a bit of physicality.  Add in the hours homeschoolers spend cooped up together in a very comfortable setting, and "fighting" or bickering is almost inevitable. Heck, adults who spend hours together in close quarters with no place for "escape" will bicker, too (i.e., classic cabin fever in the north during the gold rush, where men would draw lines down the middle of the cabin just to create their own space).

 

Providing some safe and fun physical outlets is great (i.e., send them outside to play), some time and space alone or alone with their own friends or special time with a parent, and plenty of food and sleep, can help a lot. Modeling calm interactions with others is nice, too. 

[SKL]

I tell them they need to work it out or I'm going to take away whatever it is they are fighting about.  Or if they are just being nasty to each other e.g. "you're ugly," separate them for a time, or give them an unpleasant chore to do (it was toilet scrubbing here for a while).

Edited June 24, 2017 by SKL

[SKL]

A few weeks ago, someone was interviewing my kid and asked her what's her favorite thing to do.  "Beating up my sister."  She had earlier reported that her sister physically "bullied" her.  Obviously it goes both ways and they appear to enjoy it more than not.

 

I recall my brothers when they were young.  The oft-repeated scene always started out with them "playing" i.e. sparring without the intent to hurt ... then someone "accidentally" went to far and it became a fight or an injury in need of medical attention.  :/  But, they always remained excellent friends.

[Elizabeth86]

You know what. The more I hear from you all, the more I realize it is not that bad really. It doesnt get very

physical often, just a lot of yelling. My second is super passive. I mean really passive. He is 4 and only recently has he started challenging his brother on anything. He is usually content just agreeing, so this is brand new to me. They used to get along beautifully. Thinking about having them talk it out made realize maybe I should just separate them for a few minutes to calm down because usually there is nothing to talk about once they have calmed down enough to talk about it because they usually dont even remember what they were fighting about. They just passionate and overwhelmed with their play.

They also dont do any teasing or name calling or anything. They just disagree. Thanks for the help. Dh had a really crappy childhood and he swears he wants to not do things the way his parents did, he still does sometimes. And yeah neither of them are really into roughing around for fun with each other. They do with dh some. So this is more of just an emotional thing. Ds 2 kicked at ds 1 face this morning and it just made me feel crazy. But this is not the norm around here.

[OneStepAtATime]

Some suggestions that helped here or worked for others I know:

 

1.  Read some books on siblings and how to help them develop better coping strategies for dealing with each other.

2.  Practice implementing those strategies and commit to this as if it is a life long skill that will benefit the whole family (which it will).

3.  Accept that sometimes kids go through phases where they just don't know HOW to get along.  They need your guidance.  

4.  Accept that sometimes kids do not have compatible personalities so while you may help them to find ways to tolerate each other better, they may never be close or like being with each other much.  They may need scheduled time apart each day and clearly established and implemented rules for interaction to keep the relationship from getting a lot worse.

5.  Try hard to keep in mind that even if you don't understand why someone is feeling/reacting a certain way, making an effort to actually listen to them as they try to share their feelings instead of trying to fix their feelings may help them to reexamine why they did what they did and to whom.

6.  Kids often learn far more from example than from words thrown at them while they are frustrated/angry/tired/cranky.  See if you can find stories or books that show siblings resolving conflicts peaceably.  Implement those when everyone is rested and more receptive.

7.  Consider doing some role playing to show them some simple steps for resolving a conflict without it escalating.  Then write down those steps and praise them whenever you see them at least attempting to follow those steps.

8. Every time they ARE getting along, praise and encourage the behavior.  Don't only step in when things have spiraled down the drain.

9.  Model focusing on positives, perhaps by you and DH mentioning positive things to each other on a regular basis and to the kids so they see interaction of a positive nature more often than interaction only when things go badly.

10.  Make eye contact, smile, hug if they like hugs.  Sometimes kids start spiraling down because their emotional needs are not being individually met but they don't know what to ask for.

11.  Incorporate a lot of physical activity into the day, including things that are more structured so they know what is expected of them.

12.  Build in break time every afternoon where EVERYONE takes a break from everyone else.  They can lay down, read, listen to music, listen to an audio book, or whatever, but everyone has their own space, their own peace and quiet, for at least half an hour.  Increase that time as they get older.

 

Hugs and good luck.

[OneStepAtATime]

You know what. The more I hear from you all, the more I realize it is not that bad really. It doesnt get very

physical often, just a lot of yelling. My second is super passive. I mean really passive. He is 4 and only recently has he started challenging his brother on anything. He is usually content just agreeing, so this is brand new to me. They used to get along beautifully. Thinking about having them talk it out made realize maybe I should just separate them for a few minutes to calm down because usually there is nothing to talk about once they have calmed down enough to talk about it because they usually dont even remember what they were fighting about. They just passionate and overwhelmed with their play.

They also dont do any teasing or name calling or anything. They just disagree. Thanks for the help. Dh had a really crappy childhood and he swears he wants to not do things the way his parents did, he still does sometimes. And yeah neither of them are really into roughing around for fun with each other. They do with dh some. So this is more of just an emotional thing. Ds 2 kicked at ds 1 face this morning and it just made me feel crazy. But this is not the norm around here.

Ah, o.k.  Part of the issue may be that the older one is used to compliance from the younger one and sees his non-compliance as rejection.  Younger one may be tired of only ever doing things the way older one wants and in standing up for himself but he is not sure how to assert himself without ticking off older.  This is new territory for both of them.  They are probably going to need a bit of help to understand each other's view a bit better.

 

FWIW, DD is my older and was used to talking DS, my younger, into nearly anything she wanted to do.  I didn't question it because DS seemed happy just to be playing with her.  However, it did cause issues as they got older.  DD did not understand DS needing to assert his own authority and was deeply irritated/resentful when he started saying he wanted to do different things or do things a different way.  They also have vastly different personalities so that added another challenging wrinkle.  They got into a lot of fights and I did not immediately understand the change.  It took time to find a better balance.  Unfortunately, because they really do have vastly different personalities they still struggle at times but they love each other and they do try to be respectful.

[abacus2]

I definitely don't agree with the let them fight it out plan. I listen in on my kids play and immediately correct anytime I hear: a sibling speaking meanly to the other, a physical attack or fight, or one grabbing something from another. When one child comes to me with a complaint I start by asking them what they did and they usually self-report something wrong that they did too. I go and ask them about what they should do instead. Two rules at my house are that when a toy is a problem, the toy goes in time out, and no one is required to play anything they don't want to. Most of the time, I just talk to my kids about better choices for next time. A few times, one of my kids gets into a bad pattern of doing something they know they shouldn't, and I've had to implement consequences to deal with it. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

You know what. The more I hear from you all, the more I realize it is not that bad really. It doesnt get very

physical often, just a lot of yelling. My second is super passive. I mean really passive. He is 4 and only recently has he started challenging his brother on anything. He is usually content just agreeing, so this is brand new to me. They used to get along beautifully. Thinking about having them talk it out made realize maybe I should just separate them for a few minutes to calm down because usually there is nothing to talk about once they have calmed down enough to talk about it because they usually dont even remember what they were fighting about. They just passionate and overwhelmed with their play.

They also dont do any teasing or name calling or anything. They just disagree. Thanks for the help. Dh had a really crappy childhood and he swears he wants to not do things the way his parents did, he still does sometimes. And yeah neither of them are really into roughing around for fun with each other. They do with dh some. So this is more of just an emotional thing. Ds 2 kicked at ds 1 face this morning and it just made me feel crazy. But this is not the norm around here.

Oh yeah. 3-4 was always about the time mine rose up and starting fighting for their rights against older sibs 😄 and they get very vocal about it. Sounds like you're doing fine!

[Tanaqui]

Without getting into the advice-game, I'll say that this is completely normal for siblings, especially at a young age OR during puberty.

[Farrar]

I'll second reading Siblings Without Rivalry. If nothing else, it'll make you feel better that your kids aren't struggling as much as some of the example kids. It also has good advice, of course.

 

Also seconding that it sounds very normal. There's a line somewhere between micromanaging them and leaving them to fight it out. When they're younger, stepping in more is good and modeling how to help them work it out. "Fighting it out" is never good, but I also think as they get older and you've done the modeling, it's okay to step back and see if they can work it out themselves much of the time - assuming it's not physical or always one-sided, of course.

[Amy in NH]

I don't believe in letting kids fight it out, verbally or physically. Give them SKILLS toward conflict resolution.

 

I loved the book Siblings Ithout Rivalry.

 

I have 4, they have their arguments, but if I can tell they are escalating each other, I will step in. I also step in for unwanted teasing and purposeful bothering/annoying of a sibling.

 

I don't want to say it too loudly, but my kids really do get along well.

Agree 100%

 

Conflict resolution is a skill that needs to be taught/learned. I would make them come to me, face each other, and take turns with verbal and active listening skills, empathizing with each other, and respecting each other's words and feelings. It takes a lot of parental mediation to teach this, but you will be so happy you did!

 

We also have a few hard rules like "no name calling" in all its various forms, "no fun at someone else's expense", etc.

 

It's also okay for kids to need a break from each other and have alone-play time occasionally.

 

My kids get along great most of the time now that they are trained in prosocial interpersonal relationship skills.