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Allowing your kids to gossip?


mom@shiloh
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I see this as being a bit of a moral dilemma.  No, I don't want to encourage gossiping.  But, yes, sometimes it is good for me to know some of this stuff.  For example, they will tell me what Friend A said about her mom.  Or they will tell me what Friend A said about one of their mutual friends.  This gives me some insight into what is going on in Friend A's head and also encourages me to limit their exposure to Friend A because while she seems sweet on the outside, her attitude kinda stinks.  

 

But, I do feel as if I'm encouraging gossiping.  Or, is it NOT gossiping if you're only telling your mom?  

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I would try and think about what the is the difference between gossip, sharing news, or discussing things to get some insight from parents.

 

But if it's gossip, I would avoid it, and teach your kids why.  The fact that it might be convenient to you isn't the point. 

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I think it is good for your kids to talk to you about their lives, as long as there is a healthy parent-child dynamic. I think of gossip as something that happens between peers. A parent has the responsibility of guiding and protecting, and how can we do that if we don't know?

 

Obviously you need to be careful about what you do with the information she shares. Think of it as something like the relationship of a therapist and client--it is appropriate for the client to share details of their lives and interactions, appropriate for the therapist to offer insight and guidance, and appropriate that the theraist keep any such information confidential unless someone's safety is involved.

Edited by maize
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I think it's good to have a safe place to talk about anything.  Even other people.  Even when it isn't the most flattering things to say about them.  To me this is much different than being in a group of friends and acquaintances making fun of so and so over some petty stuff.

 

I have mentioned to my kids a few times that what we are talking about is best not blabbed to just anyone in just any situation. 

 

 

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Telling Mom is not gossip.  Kids need to be able to be 100% open with Mom.  They need to come to Mom when they have a problem with their privates, when they're being bullied, when they have a dilemma with a boy who "likes" them, when another adult tries to engage them in something strange, when they are invited to something but suspect their friends might not act responsibly.

 

I listen, but there are times when I point out that they should not repeat certain things at school, camp, etc.  We don't air dirty family laundry outside, we don't spread negative tales, and we stand up for others when we see that sort of thing happen.  I also help my kids to listen with less judgment, by suggesting reasons why their friends might do/say things we don't consider acceptable for us.

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I tend to get overly uptight about the concept of gossip, but eve I wouldn't consider the above to be gossip.

 

It's probably all just semantics.  What I actually detest is drama, and people purposely planting seeds to fuel it.  

Agreed. Mostly that's not what happens, but I've seen that it can deteriorate to that quickly.  

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If they are just giving you as a parent information and relaying conversations, I don't really consider that gossip.  If you go on to say "Well, isn't Suzie an idiot, I can't believe she did that blah blah blah" I don't think that is positive or healthy.  But sometimes that does lead us on a path of why people make decisions the way they do.  Not everyone has they same problem solving skill sets, social skills, background, upbringing, people make mistakes all the time including us and that's ok.  I also think reminding kids to gossip to friends, etc isn't nice.

 

I really think those type of conversations are crucial to teaching kids to navigate the world without taking everything super personally. 

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there is a difference between gossip - and information that should be known.  it's a fine and varying line.. . . help them learn the difference.  e.g.  if the mom beats her kids, yes it should be known and cps called.  that the mom stays up all night and dresses like a teenager - is gossip.

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Kids should be able to tell their parents anything including things about their friends.  I don't consider it gossiping when it's to mom or dad.  It can be very important for the kid for processing what they have learned or heard.  Sometimes kids need to vent about a friend for one reason or another (we all annoy each other at some point) and doing that with their mom is a safe place.

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encouraging to me would be asking. Sounds like they are just blurting this stuff out. You could cut them off and say, "I don't need all the details" if you feel like they are oversharing or something.

 

If Mom isn't going to spread the information it seems a little more harmless.

 

If she said Friend A said, "xyz" I might remain neutral and say, "and how did that make you feel?" to see how your dd is reacting to gossip. I might be more interested in how my child is reacting to this than what's up with Friend A.

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I think it would be more ideal if your child talked through that he/she finds the attitude to stink and wants to spend less time.

 

It may be what your child is thinking, bc if they didn't want you to limit things, maybe they wouldn't be telling you.

 

It sounds like they might be looking for guidance about how to handle things where they are not totally comfortable.

 

If it is something where you are putting the kids in each others' paths by getting together as families or something, that is different than if it is more of an independent friendship for your child.

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I think that all communication between (minor) children and their parents is definitely outside of the realm of "gossip" and that even confidential information can be (and sometimes should be) shared.

 

Children are "in training" and under the discipleship of their parents. The information about their lives that world ordinarily be gossip -- if it was shared for no particular reason -- has an essential role in the training and discipleship process.

 

Similarly, for adults: professional counsellors, lawyers, doctors, clergy, and sometimes a few less "official" types of relationships are privileged, personal and confidential relationships. When you share in those contexts, with good reasons and good intentions, nothing is "gossip".

 

You should definitely say in various age-appropriate ways: "If we were talking for no reason, this would be gossip, but our relationship is special and it's ok here. Don't go spreading this around, because it would be an inappropriate disclosure." (That's important teaching too.)

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I think it is good for your kids to talk to you about their lives, as long as there is a healthy parent-child dynamic. I think of gossip as something that happens between peers. A parent has the responsibility of guiding and protecting, and how can we do that if we don't know?

 

Obviously you need to be careful about what you do with the information she shares. Think of it as something like the relationship of a therapist and client--it is appropriate for the client to share details of their lives and interactions, appropriate for the therapist to offer insight and guidance, and appropriate that the theraist keep any such information confidential unless someone's safety is involved.

This.

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Confiding in mom =|= gossip

 

If you took what your kids told you and openly talked about it in an efffort to call attention to the friend's issues, that's gossip. Avoid that at all costs, if you want your children to trust you with important information.

 

But chastising them for gossip when they open their hearts and voices to you? That would be an unwise move.

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I disagree that kids talking to parents can't be gossip.  The #1 thing IMO that makes something gossip is the intent of the people sharing the gossip - it's a matter of internal orientation.  Are they talking about other's private information?  Is the intent to create a sense of thrills?  Is the information second-hand? 

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I disagree that kids talking to parents can't be gossip. The #1 thing IMO that makes something gossip is the intent of the people sharing the gossip - it's a matter of internal orientation. Are they talking about other's private information? Is the intent to create a sense of thrills? Is the information second-hand?

Peer to peer conversations, I think, are different than child to parent. The parent can help to process feelings and reactions, as well as advise on how to respond (including instructions on what constitutes gossip and how to avoid it).

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Peer to peer conversations, I think, are different than child to parent. The parent can help to process feelings and reactions, as well as advise on how to respond (including instructions on what constitutes gossip and how to avoid it).

 

Sure, but I think that may well include saying something like "you are repeating gossip right now, you don;'t know if it is true,  it doesn't affect and its not really any of your business."

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Sure, but I think that may well include saying something like "you are repeating gossip right now, you don;'t know if it is true, it doesn't affect and its not really any of your business."

Yes, but I'd say it more gently than that. My priority would be to keep the lines of communication open between myself and my child.

 

Full disclosure: my past involves time spent in a hyperauthoritarian church structure in which any questioning of dubious decrees by the pastor (even done properly, directed to the right person, etc, and not openly stirring up dissent) was quickly labeled as the sin of gossip. So that word gets my red flags airborne. I believe every person needs a safe sounding board for whatever s/he might be thinking; having that in a parent is a real blessing.

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