CC: Church question, need advice

[Sahamamama2]

This should go on the Chat Board, but I avoid the Chat Board, so here goes....

 

We have been attending Church X for the past three years. The girls are happy there, and for them, it's going well enough. My husband and I are just sort of "there" for the sake of being somewhere. In our area, there really is no other viable option, so there we are.

 

For the past three or four Sundays, the music, if you can call it that, has become louder and louder, to the point of really being unbearable. Even at a lower volume, it wouldn't be my preferred style, but that is not my concern at this point.

 

The problem I'm having is in how this volume, and the accompanying vibrations, seem to be affecting my heartbeat. Two Sundays ago, when the music was super-loud, I had to leave the sanctuary and sit out in the lobby. My heart was racing, I felt dizzy and nauseous, and really just could not go back into the sanctuary until the music was over.

 

This past Sunday, my husband was traveling out-of-state for work, so I was there on my own with the three girls. They went to class, and I intended to go into the main sanctuary. However, the music was so incredibly loud, I never made it into the sanctuary. Instead, I sat out in the lobby, where the walls were vibrating and buzzing. It was awful, in and of itself, but then my heart started racing. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack, my heart was beating so fast. My body was completely still, yet my heart was beating as though I had been running at full speed.

 

I had to get out of the building entirely, so I went out to my van and just sat there. My heart slowed down, and I spent the time reading the Bible and wondering what I'll do from now on every Sunday. Obviously, I can't be a part of the "worship service," since I can't physically tolerate it.

 

If you were in this situation, what would you do? Would you just handle it, or would you say something to someone? If so, what would you say? It's kind of a large congregation, and I'm sure the senior pastor doesn't even know my first name, let alone who I am as a person.

 

What would you do?

[Guest]

Oh I'd definitely say something to someone. You're likely to NOT be the only one. Is there a worship leader/minister? I'd start there. Just be truthful about how it is physically affecting you.

Edited June 21, 2017 by Kinsa

[winterbaby]

I would stop attending and start looking for a new church. If you really loved it and that was one change you could persuade them to undo, that would be different but it really doesn't sound like you are being fed there anyway. The way you put scare quotes on "worship service" says a lot. Honestly it doesn't surprise me that you're not being fed in a church where the service is a rock concert. Your kids will adjust just fine to something you choose that works for the whole family.

[smily]

I would definitely respectfully address the issue with the appropriate staff member. It's likely also hurting people's ears, causing hearing damage, and preventing anyone with hearing aids from attending. If they are unwilling to fix the problem, I would leave.

[mytwomonkeys]

If you want to stay, then talk to someone there. My husband has been a worship pastor for 15 years & he would be totally willing to have a conversation about volume. Our church is large and has a production team that makes sure it's not dangerously loud. That doesn't mean all people would enjoy our church, but it does mean no one is going to have a physical reaction in their chest because of how loud it is. Ask if they measure decibels? Ask why the volume has changed over the past few weeks? Ask the purpose behind the music they choose? It genuinely sounds like you hate the music ("if you can call it that"), so maybe have a conversation about that as well as the volume - try to see if there is rhyme and reason to what they do & if it points to God or not. And in the end if you still don't like it, maybe find a place where your entire family thrives. Why are there no viable options? What about home church? I'm sorry you've had a rough time. Praying it gets resolved and a solution is found. Hugs.

[rose]

Could you be having panic attacks? I completely get what you're talking about. I really dislike that kind of music as well. I actually suspect that when it gets that load with such a heavy beat that it can become hypnotic. Years and years ago my dh and I were a part of church that was like this and I would NEVER go back now.

 

As for what to do, at some point nothing is better than something. You're not less of a Christian if just don't go to church. A lot of the church world will scare you into thinking otherwise but I think that if there's no good church to associate with it's better to associate with nothing but Jesus alone. Leaving church doesn't need to mean leaving faith or even the church in a big sense of that word. There are just lots of churches out there they claim to be Christian but are just clubs for somewhat likeminded people. It's just to no one's benefit to be a part of churches like that. We've been without fellowship at times and it has proven to be a good detoxification time that has allowed us to evaluate what is important and what a church should really be. There are real Christian churches out there that are a blessing to be connected with but in my experience they're not usually found just by going to your local neighbourhood church.

 

PM me if you want to chat more about this. FWIW, I'm not a part of a sect or any official group. Our fellowship is just with likeminded brothers and sisters that we have happened to connect with over the years. There are other faithful people out there that are not at all connected with us except through Christ. If you end up not being connected with my fellowship (what would the chances be anyway!) but are faithful and find faithful fellowship then I'm 100% happy. I mention this because I don't want you to feel like I'm on a recruiting mission to join my niche church. :)

[Sahamamama2]

I would stop attending and start looking for a new church. If you really loved it and that was one change you could persuade them to undo, that would be different but it really doesn't sound like you are being fed there anyway. The way you put scare quotes on "worship service" says a lot. Honestly it doesn't surprise me that you're not being fed in a church where the service is a rock concert. Your kids will adjust just fine to something you choose that works for the whole family.

 

In a way, I agree, Winterbaby, but there really is nothing else up here. Nothing. Really and truly, of all the options, this is the only one there is, and that is why it's so upsetting that it has changed to this extent. The only other thing we can think of is to simply stay at home, but how is that going to work for our (homeschooled) children? Even if we go and I sit in the parking lot, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make for their sake. I realize this is less than ideal, but there are some things in life we don't control, and the way churches are is one of them. It's a corporate entity, you know, like this group blob that has nothing to do with what I think or what people actually need spiritually or... I don't even know how to explain it.

 

It's just that, this week, for the first time in my life (50 years now), I suddenly understood what Jesus meant when he said, "Blessed (fortunate, lucky, wealthy) are the poor (beggars) in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." We always say things like, "We're so blessed," in the context of what we have, never what we are lacking. But Jesus said that we are blessed in our abject spiritual poverty, in our lack of options spiritually. I honestly never grasped this prior to this past Sunday. At that point, I realized that there really is no option for me, except to beg, to be a beggar -- that what we need is truly not available to us.

 

Poverty is not setting aside our options to "play" at being poor. No, poverty is not having a workable option at all. It is non-voluntary constraint. And that is where I am now. Up against it.

 

I'm not sure how to move forward even one step further from here.

[winterbaby]

That sounds so hard, I am praying for you. If it feels like you need to stay I would definitely talk to someone about the volume. I wonder if they have had a recent change in personnel or equipment.

 

Some people are just sensitive to loud music. I have a friend like that. But PP may be onto something about it sounding like a panic attack. Maybe your body and brain are speaking to you about the suitability of this church on a level that goes beyond how loud it literally is, particularly if you don't see others being bothered.

 

I wonder what it means when you say "of all of the options, this is the only option"? Maybe some of the other non-options could bear to be reconsidered again, cause I doubt you live in an area where the entire Christian population literally goes to this one church. Maybe some of the other churches are from denominations you're not familiar with or something like that... even if you couldn't become a full member, even if the kids programs weren't all that (or non-existent), even if you disagreed with stuff, I think you would benefit so much from just hearing a Christian word of SOME kind or other in a calm environment. That is bare minimum. That you can hear it and just BE with your head on straight.

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 11, 2017 by tentwelve

[Critterfixer]

I'm betting you are not the only one having a problem with the loud music. Absolutely talk to who ever is in charge of the music. You might find that evening services would be better? Or maybe a Wednesday service would not have the same kinds of music?

[Laurel-in-CA]

One large church near us has dealt with this problem......by having a basket of disposable ear plugs in the lobby. Clearlly they're not interested in having that conversation.

 

I always sit in the back. Sigh. And pine for piano and hymns or even non-instrumental singing. Alas.

[Sahamamama2]

Could you be having panic attacks?

 

Hi, Rose. No, but I think it could be Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT). I tried to link it, but I can't get the links to work. SVT is an irregular and/or rapid heartbeat that is not triggered by exercise, high fever, or stress (or related to an underlying heart condition, from what I have read).

 

Years ago, I had a friend who had panic attacks, so I am familiar with what those look like. Plus, she described to me how they feel. I don't think that what I experienced on Sunday was a panic attack. I think it was directly related to the vibrations/sound waves affecting my heart's electrical signals, the signals that control the heart rate.

 

[almondbutterandjelly]

A couple of things people have tried:  

 

Some people wait in the lobby until it's sermon time, and then go in.

 

Often the sound is different depending on where you sit.  Pay very close attention to where the speakers are placed and try to sit in a spot that is not directly getting sound waves blared at it.  Way off to the side, perhaps.

 

 

[ByGrace3]

Hi, Rose. No, but I think it could be Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT). I tried to link it, but I can't get the links to work. SVT is an irregular and/or rapid heartbeat that is not triggered by exercise, high fever, or stress (or related to an underlying heart condition, from what I have read).

 

Years ago, I had a friend who had panic attacks, so I am familiar with what those look like. Plus, she described to me how they feel. I don't think that what I experienced on Sunday was a panic attack. I think it was directly related to the vibrations/sound waves affecting my heart's electrical signals, the signals that control the heart rate.

 

 

What a difficult situation. hugs! I have SVT and although I have had it most of my life, only had it diagnosed a few years ago. I also tend to have some issues with our worship service occasionally -- though it tends to be the bass that is the issue -- not just the volume. 

 

I would have a conversation with them... though knowing most large churches, unfortunately you probably won't get anywhere. Could you consider ear plugs? Consider sitting in the foyer or even outside until the worship set is done and then go in for the sermon? Not ideal by any means but you certainly don't want to experience that every week. Maybe volunteer in the nursery or children's ministry? 

 

If none of those seem an option and you truly have no other church within a feasible distance-- perhaps consider a house church and include other families to join you?

[J-rap]

If your girls love it and you don't think there are really any better options, I'd mention it with someone on staff and wear good earplugs until it's solved.

[Sahamamama2]

I'm betting you are not the only one having a problem with the loud music. Absolutely talk to who ever is in charge of the music. You might find that evening services would be better? Or maybe a Wednesday service would not have the same kinds of music?

 

No evening service. No Wednesday night service. Wednesday nights = groups for kids + adult discussion groups.

 

[Sahamamama2]

What a difficult situation. hugs! I have SVT and although I have had it most of my life, only had it diagnosed a few years ago. I also tend to have some issues with our worship service occasionally -- though it tends to be the bass that is the issue -- not just the volume. 

 

I would have a conversation with them... though knowing most large churches, unfortunately you probably won't get anywhere. Could you consider ear plugs? Consider sitting in the foyer or even outside until the worship set is done and then go in for the sermon? Not ideal by any means but you certainly don't want to experience that every week. Maybe volunteer in the nursery or children's ministry? 

 

If none of those seem an option and you truly have no other church within a feasible distance-- perhaps consider a house church and include other families to join you?

 

Yes, that is what it felt like to me on Sunday! The bass was SUPER loud, just very much vibrating throughout the building, even out to the lobby. There is a large chalkboard on the wall outside the sanctuary, and the entire board was shaking with the bass beat. I couldn't even sit outside in the heat, because the music was being blasted through loud speakers to the patio area. Sound waves everywhere! So I escaped to my van, which I parked at the farthest end of the parking lot.

 

But I can't really do that every week, can I?

 

Ear plugs have not seemed to help the past few Sundays. I do always carry them in my purse, and usually put at least one in my left ear (more sensitive). But the past few Sundays, the "ill" feeling has been more about the assault by sound wave than the actual volume itself, if that makes sense.

 

Do you mind if I ask, How were you finally diagnosed with SVT? Feel free to PM me with that, if you like. Thanks!

[Julie of KY]

Definitely talk to someone on staff. They may or may not be responsive, but they deserve to hear your viewpoint.

 

Also, if your heart rate is really increasing, you should seek out a medical opinion. As others have noted, there can be underlying problems.

[Garga]

You should talk to them and ask them about the change and describe what has happened to you. Perhaps nothing with change now, but maybe if a number of people give them feedback, they'll rethink what they're doing. But if no one provides feedback, then they won't know it's such a problem.

 

I would have a serious, serious problem with that and would not be able to attend either. I would probably drop the kids off for their class, then leave the grounds until after the music, or sit in the car if the weather permits it.

 

The church I visited that is too loud, also has the pastor's mic too loud as well, so when the music is done, then his voice is booming.

[sassenach]

I would say something, but not on a Sunday. Call the church (or go online) during the week and ask for emails for the worship leader/pastor and the tech leader (deacon or whatever). Email them and explain that the volume the last few weeks has been so high that it's causing you physical distress. Write out what you did here. See how they respond.

 

This could be something as simple as having a new sound board and not dialing it in right.

 

I would operate from the place of assuming that they will care about this and want to rectify it.

 

I would bring this to the lead pastor, again, not on a Sunday, only if emailing appropriate leaders doesn't work.

[Bluegoat]

Tell people it is an issue. The pastor, music director, whomever.  You may not be the only one who dislikes it.  If it is so loud that you can't participate that is a problem.

 

Do you know why it is louder?

[sarahsheart]

I haven't read through all of the responses but saw the one regarding tachycardia which was my first thought. I feel for you in this situation & can understand where you are coming from. I am a musician, have repaired congential heart defects & have dealt with similar issues. One time we had a surge through the speakers while setting up for our "traditional" service & it alone was enough to set my heart off. Thankful our church we attend offers both a traditional & a contempory service. The only difference being in the music. Also, we had a period of time where the contempory service music was ridiculously loud. We had some new sound board volunteers as well as some new exquipmemt. It took them a few services to get a good sound running. And who knows if someone may have brought it to their attention or not. I second the others in saying that you should politly talk with your ministers and see how they respond.

[ByGrace3]

Yes, that is what it felt like to me on Sunday! The bass was SUPER loud, just very much vibrating throughout the building, even out to the lobby. There is a large chalkboard on the wall outside the sanctuary, and the entire board was shaking with the bass beat. I couldn't even sit outside in the heat, because the music was being blasted through loud speakers to the patio area. Sound waves everywhere! So I escaped to my van, which I parked at the farthest end of the parking lot.

 

But I can't really do that every week, can I?

 

Ear plugs have not seemed to help the past few Sundays. I do always carry them in my purse, and usually put at least one in my left ear (more sensitive). But the past few Sundays, the "ill" feeling has been more about the assault by sound wave than the actual volume itself, if that makes sense.

 

Do you mind if I ask, How were you finally diagnosed with SVT? Feel free to PM me with that, if you like. Thanks!

When my heart goes into a full blown SVT episode, my heart rate can go up around 300. As I get older while it only happens once a year or so -- it started lasting longer and longer-- 1-2 hours vs. the 20 minutes when I was younger. A few years ago I was advised to go to the ERnduring the episode just so they could diagnose it..I did, they immediately hooked me up to an EKG and = diagnosis. I don't do anything for it - I refused meds and surgery-- it only happens full blown 1X a year or so...though it gets "off" rhythm here or there...

[Calm37]

I always wear earplugs. The bright green kind from Walmart. It puts the music at just the right volume for me. I have ear problems, though, not heart. I like the music, just can't tolerate the pain that comes about an hour after the service.

[Twigs]

Just a thought, earplugs won't help if the problem is the excessive vibrations.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Best wishes.

[Milknhoney]

I agree you should talk to the church leadership, and as Sassenach said, NOT on a Sunday. On a Sunday everyone is too preoccupied with running the service to devote full attention to you. While it is important for them to be aware of your feedback, realize that they may not change anything. Worship is one of the largest areas of disagreement in a church. For every person who is unhappy, there's someone who loves it. And so not changing it doesn't necessarily mean that they are insensitive to your needs. They just probably won't change if for one person. I still think they need to know, especially since in your case there is a medical issue and it isn't just a complaint coming from your personal taste.The latter they probably already get a lot of and just disregard... but the former is legitimate. 

 

As others have said, I also think your dissatisfaction with the church altogether is the larger problem. That's why sitting in your car during worship time is not a good long term solution, because it will make you even more detached. I agree with the advice to revisit the other churches in your area just to see. Your perspective may have changed. Another option could be to drive to the nearest town - could there be a suitable church within an hour's drive? I've known people who drove 1.5 hours every week just to be where they were comfortable. (Not ideal for developing friendships outside of Sunday, though). Or start a group in your home. I do not believe not going at all is a good option. We need the fellowship.

[...................]

Yep it's your Fight or Floght response and that is turning into a panic attack because you didn't know what it was. It's 100% normal and I would recommend you communicate **immediately** to the pastor so he can talk to the Sound Guys. We actually lost a family at our church becusde it was so loud and the family just thought no one cares, but we do. The Sound Guy is a young guy who loves loudness and the Worship leader had to communicate to TURN IT DOWN!

 

And to be fair to the sound guy, we have a Christian band and two other churches meeting there so he gets there and it's all out of whack and he has to fix it EVERY sunday and sometimes he just doesn't get it right. My son is now a fully trained

A/V for our church and he says 75% of the problem is all the other groups using the sound board. It's NOT easy.

 

Also we have one drummer who only comes occasionally and it's always like Moster from

The Muppets when he's there! I use the ear plugs or leave and go in the vestibule and I always mention it to the Worship Leadee.

 

What you are experiencing is normal, until the problem is fixed just leave during Worship, be sure to communicate your concerns very strongly.

[Xahm]

Do any of the other churches in the area have an evening or midweek service? I would still talk to the leadership at this church, but since it doesn't sound like it is easy for you to worship in that style anyway, maybe you could take your kids there Sunday mornings and them attend church yourself elsewhere in the evenings.

[DawnM]

We couldn't stay.  My Aspie would have not been able to.  As it was, he would stick his fingers in his ears with mildly loud music.

 

I feel for you.  we are in the midst of changing churches ourselves.

[Clemsondana]

Do they have any other services? Before we moved, we attended a church that frequently had alternative services - contemplative services during lent, jazz Vespers services during the summer, etc. They were often on Sunday afternoons. They didn't run year-round, but they did cover several months. Some churches have worship on Wednesday - ours does classes, which isn't the same, although a small group or Sunday school class would give you a church community. I would say something - I think people who love 'loud' become desensitized to quite HOW loud it is. My own kids have always preferred traditional worship - when they were small they were terrified of 'loud church' and they've kind of extrapolated that dislike to all contemporary services, even quiet ones. :-) Fortunately, our church offers both.

[Heathermomster]

If there is a cry room, maybe sit there. My church has a parlor with sound and video piped in, and I sit there when I am late to service or start coughing.

[meganrussell]

You could always volunteer to help in the back, with the nursery or a Sunday school class.

[wintermom]

I would contact your church's minister at his office and provide feedback. Since it's only been in the last 3 - 4 weeks, this could be a quick fix. Perhaps there are summer volunteers with less experience about sound levels. I'd be very specific about the bass volume being especially important. It should be simple to adjust bass volume, if the sound person gets the feedback.