clementine Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) So, no seniors in our town have decided to go to our dd's college of choice this coming fall, although there are several that she has seen on the FB page within an hour radius of us or so. At orientation, dd and I were walking down the hall and a woman grabbed my arm. She smiled like we were long lost friends. About 15 years ago we were in the same homeschool group, but she was always rude, standoffish, and snarky. Her dd was not social, although we did invite her over for a play-date once because I felt bad that she was kind of an outcast & I wanted to see if my dds could be a friend to her. I heard nothing after that play date, the mother did not become less rude, so I just let things fade naturally. They were in our homeschool group for about 3 years before putting their dd in b&m school. Anyway, they live about 20 minutes away. The mom was so excited to see us there BECAUSE we could carpool!!! What? I smiled politely, said hi to her dd, asked what her major was & said we had to scoot to a session. Icing on the cake - The second day my dd saw her dd in a building & smiled and waved. No reply or returned greeting. DD's college is about 5.5 hours away, so yes, carpooling would be nice, BUT I really, really don't want that to be an option. Now I feel like the rude one. I think I'm looking for a JAWM, but also any BTDT??? Edited June 20, 2017 by clementine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Unless something changes for the better in the relationship between this girl and your DD, you will so unfortunately be: - Going by a relatives house/taking a family vacation/stopping for a shopping trip - anything but a straight line from your home town to college - when you deliver DD to college. Or the car will be too full from all the family members who want to see her off. - Ditto when picking up to bring home. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 Unless something changes for the better in the relationship between this girl and your DD, you will so unfortunately be: - Going by a relatives house/taking a family vacation/stopping for a shopping trip - anything but a straight line from your home town to college - when you deliver DD to college. Or the car will be too full from all the family members who want to see her off. - Ditto when picking up to bring home. Yes, my brain has already started stock-piling reasons why not. Let me add: I would not be opposed to carpooling IF an actual cordial relationship or friendship did happen. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) It sounds like you'd rather not get tangled up with these folks. That's fine and not rude. I wouldn't read much into the second incident, maybe the dd didn't immediately recognize your dd or realize she was the one being waved at. I fail to recognize people outside of familiar contexts all the time, and I assume there were other folks around so it wouldn't be obvious the wave was intended for her. Also it sounds like both mother and child are a bit socially awkward; that's not usually something people choose, it's more of a handicap. Edited June 20, 2017 by maize 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 I have this happen all the time in town because I was an officer in a homeschool group, taught local paid classes, and taught at the local college for 15+ years. So I've had contact with lots and lots of people over the years. Unless I have ongoing contact with someone, I usually don't remember them though. I wish I was better at that. Last week a lady chatted me up at PT when I told the receptionist my name, and sad to say, I have no idea who she is. She knew all about me though! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daijobu Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 I hate to be caught up in lie, so rather than make up a story that isn't true, if she asks to carpool, tell her "I'm afraid it won't work for us this time." She doesn't need the details. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 At least she didn't suggest that they be roommates... 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Based on your previous experience there is a good chance she won't pressure it and you'll be able to let it fade away. If it does come up, don't forget that you really don't have to give a reason. "I'm sorry that won't work for us." Should be sufficient under normal circumstances. Assuming something goes normal. I often have to rehearse those responses in advance if I don't want to turn into a babbling jack-in-the-box. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 If it comes up, just say "We prefer not to carpool at this time." No explanation required. Say "bye" and hang up the phone or smile and say excuse me while walking away. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 You say there are no other entering freshmen from your town, but maybe there are more advanced students from the area and your dd will be able to find someone to carpool with? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) If the student is reasonably polite, she can share a ride with little interaction: basically be a human suitcase occupying a seat. Your DD could spend the entire ride with headphones in, napping. You'd never have to be in the car with the other mother, it would be more like a public bus with only two passengers. As long as no one is rude or disruptive and demanding, I'd give it a single trial, but that's because an eleven hour round trip would destroy my back and my sanity. Also seconding the idea to look for older students in your area. Diamond matched up her BFF (senior) with a freshman friend for a 7hr drive- they became good friends and the shared rides were wonderful. Editing to add: Also ask around at some neighboring towns and check if there is a ride sharing board, Facebook group, or something at school. The friends mentioned above were not from the same high school districts, but only lived about 20 mins away from each other. Edited June 21, 2017 by Rebel Yell 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 You two adults could carpool, or the students could carpool? Practically, it would work for Thanksgiving break for the students to carpool, but beginning and end of term it won't unless one of you has a uhaul. The school or students will have a rideshare board. For you adults, sure you could carpool up for a weekend...but that isn't going to work while you are there unless your accomodations are in walking distance of the college or student has a vehicle. Perhaps you could say, sorry, but there is no room for extras as grandma will be in the back seat, when it it comes to a weekend visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I agree that the daughter might not have recognized you, and it sounds like both are socially akward. No need to carpool if you'd rather not, but I would keep my options open at this point. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 You won't be able to carpool for drop off or pick up as there won't be enough room, but for breaks... I'm not really sure what the problem is as long as it's the students carpooling. Students aren't usually the problem - whether they know each other or not. But your daughter might also find others in your area to catch rides with (or offer them to). Let them sort it out and you just go along for the ride so to speak. If she's talking about the two of you going together for a visit on a weekend or something, that's different. You can beg off from those without being rude even with something as simple as "I like going by myself and being on my own schedule." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winterbaby Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 It depends on the logistics of the specific situation but carpooling doesn't mean you're the person's best friend and can make a lot of sense sometimes. In college I carpooled multiple times with people I barely knew. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 At least she didn't suggest that they be roommates... Oh geez - now THAT would have been awkward! Lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 It depends on the logistics of the specific situation but carpooling doesn't mean you're the person's best friend and can make a lot of sense sometimes. In college I carpooled multiple times with people I barely knew. I completely agree with this. I think our dd would be more comfortable riding with someone she knows less (or without this history), but we'll see how the first semester plays out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winterbaby Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I guess I don't understand why having had a play date once as small children and not continuing 'cause they didn't hit it off is a "history" to be uncomfortable about. What's the big deal? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I guess I wouldn't cut off ties completely... things change. A ride-share might come in handy someday! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 I guess I don't understand why having had a play date once as small children and not continuing 'cause they didn't hit it off is a "history" to be uncomfortable about. Oh yes, there is more to the story, but for the sake of not rambling I didn't go into details. We continued in the same hs group for 3 years after the play-date, and the mother continued her rude, standoffish behavior. Not just toward us, I'm guessing it's just her nature. In high school years, her dd was in the same sport as our oldest dd, so we would see each other at competitions. She made a comment at one competition asking 'How did you make your daughter so fast?' - I realize that you can't hear her biting tone or sarcastic spin, but it was there. After that she would just snub us at future competitions - make eye contact and look away, with a unpleasant look. I am not petty, I don't read into situations to make things more than they are. With what interactions we've had, I was just very surprised at her 'happiness' to see us. And when her first sentence to me is 'Now we can carpool!' it seemed like because we would be helping her, it was to her advantage to be nice to us. 'Too little to late' was my knee-jerk reaction. After letting it sink it, I'll wait and see if the girls even interact with each other on campus. It's a huge school, so they may not even run into each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Oh good heavens, I would find carpooling for 5 hours with anyone other than a VERY good friend just dreadful. And even at that point, I would consider it a "trip together," not "carpooling" for convenience. But I don't mind driving, and I don't mind driving alone one way to get (or to visit) my kid. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 (edited) You're going to have to be pleasant but direct. Simply say, "I'm not interested in carpooling, but it was nice to see you." Change the subject, or excuse yourself and walk away. It will teach your dd how to firmly hold her own when someone is trying to manipulate her, or mooch off of her. If you get the, "Can my dd ride along with you?" Say, "No, my dd and I will be riding alone because it's a great time for us to talk." That would be my advice. Good luck! Edited June 27, 2017 by Fifiruth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*LC Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 "About 15 years ago we were in the same homeschool group, but she was always rude, standoffish, and snarky. Her dd was not social, although we did invite her over for a play-date once because I felt bad that she was kind of an outcast & I wanted to see if my dds could be a friend to her. I heard nothing after that play date, the mother did not become less rude, so I just let things fade naturally. They were in our homeschool group for about 3 years before putting their dd in b&m school. Anyway, they live about 20 minutes away. The mom was so excited to see us there BECAUSE we could carpool!!!" I know you said JAWM, and I completely agree that if your daughter has a car and will never need a ride, then she shouldn't be forced into riding with this other girl if she doesn't want. However, if your daughter is 18, you are talking about something that happened when the girls were in preschool (or possibly early elementary). I can't imagine thinking a college freshman would act like she did at that age. And, if it is the kids that would be carpooling, I wouldn't worry at all about how the mom acted way back then. That said, my college kids needed rides at times that were not always convenient for me to go and get them even though they are close enough (3 hours) that I could go there and back in the same day. There is also a transporation option that will get my kids within 30 minutes of me and that didn't always work either. So, I am a big believer in carpooling. This seemed completely normal to me as I also carpooled in college. I rode with a total stranger (a guy I found through the college's rideshare program) to near my hometown 7 hours away as a freshman. I also remember riding with a friend of a friend another break that year. I can't remember sophomore year, but I got a car near the end of my sophomore year. After that, I drove the daughters of two different friends of my parents (one was a childhood friend of my dad; one was a college friend of theirs) to their hometowns at least once. My senior year, I carpooled with my freshman sibling and maybe the other girls. (My parents keep friends, and I have seen both these families in the last month.) I completely get that rides to/from college are good times to communicate with your daughter, and if the mom was suggesting both of you riding together to pick up your daughters together, I don't think I would be eager to do that if your child likes to open up during rides. I have one that does; I have another one that always sleeps. That said, I hope you have no more contact with this mom since it brings back unpleasant memories. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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