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Helping Our Young Adults to Find the "Bright Side?"


swimmermom3
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Please do not quote

 

I wasn't sure what to call this thread, but my thought is to exchange ideas on how we keep our young adults moving forward in a positive direction, how we help them see "light" when things are dark.  Yes, I know it begins in early childhood and how we train them, but sometimes life throws some very ugly curve balls.

 

My own heart is so heavy right now. I have posted before about a dear group of friends that my dd has known since she was 12.  Four years ago or so, this group of young people seemed to have the whole world before them and in one night, a car full of drunk teens forever changed the trajectory. My dd called yesterday morning to let me know that the young woman in the group who had done so much to keep the others from self-destruction after the loss of one young man to an accident and the subsequent suicide of his younger brother, had herself succumbed to an overdose, which they think was probably suicide. This is devastating news and I am so scared for the young people that are left, including my dd.

 

How do we foster resiliency in our young adults?

 

 

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:grouphug:

 

My friends who were suicidal have said that having helplines, non-counselor people who they could let it all out help. It is the anonymity aspect, that what they are saying won't be recorded or judged in any form.

 

Also expanding their social circle. When something bad happens, being in a small social circle meant constant reminders for the person whether it is something less tragic like a relationship breakup or more tragic like someone died. My friend who was inpatient for a week for suicide, took a few temp and part time jobs once she was out. Talking to various people during lunch break and hearing all kinds of "gossip" was helpful to her. It became a mix of glass half full tales instead of almost all glass half empty woes. It is hard for her relatives to be the only "cheerleaders", easier for lots of acquaintances to "spice up" her day. Her first suicide attempt was over a BGR but she wanted to hear all the funny IRL dating stories I know from being an engineering undergrad, even the two timing ones. It makes her feel less of "loser".

 

Resiliency is so much a nature and nurture combination. You can try so hard but some people would still be hit harder emotionally than others, even siblings and twins. I had seen a twin being more affected than her identical twin.

 

ETA:

I used to volunteer for a suicide helpline in my 20s. Many said having someone to talk to helped them to continue living for another day. That was why the helpline tries to keep as many phone lines manned as possible. It is not easy as volunteer burn out happens.

Edited by Arcadia
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I am so sorry for you and your daughter.

 

I don't know how we can help our young people. I try by modeling living with a positive outlook, and by being there for them when they need to talk or cry - at whatever time, and for however long they need me to. 

Edited by regentrude
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It helps to hear from slightly older friends, the parents, and for many, the pastor.

 

When my son's friend died,.the hardest blow was the callousness of one of their high school teachers. No acknowledgement of the death at all, it was as if the child never existed, never been a member of the class. Just stunnng to uncloak a nonhuman, in the midst of many who had built community. Being away from the nonhuman was necessary to heal,space to grieve, warmth of humans, and the words of the pastor at the viewing were so very very helpful.

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I'm not entirely sure how we can, but I think being there to listen and to love no matter what is said or done is crucial.  Personalities are so different, and reactions to mistakes and tragedy are equally so.  Some people (like the woman you described) carry others through the ups and downs.  They also tend to carry the guilt and have a sense of responsibility for others that can be crushing.  Sadly, it is easy to "miss" what's going on because they seem to be holding it all together on the outside even when it is all falling apart on the inside.  

 

Sometimes too I think we as parents try so hard to model the right response to our kids that sometimes it just seems incredible to them and they go underground because they perceive their own weakness or insecurity but do not recognize ours because we are so busy trying to be strong and model the "right" approach.  I think it helps strengthen our children when they see our vulnerability. Then, they know it's okay for them to struggle too.

 

 

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I am so sorry. We have had our scared times, too.

 

We try to walk the fine line between acknowledging the problem and the hurt and keeping things calm and cheerful at home so that home can be an escape from one's problems. It's hard. We talked about ways to escape. Healthy ways to escape for a while and get a break from grieving and anxiety. In our family animal companions are important. Sometimes somebody will ask if we can bring the dog to them. Then we know they're really struggling.

 

Hugs

Nan

 

Eta that we try to find out whether the person wants to be asked how they are or does not want to be asked how they are. Mostly they don't want to be asked how they are. That makes them think about it at a time when they are trying to forget.

Edited by Nan in Mass
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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  I wish I knew how to foster that resiliency. Exdh just lost a relative to suicide, the person was in their 50s. As I get older, I've seen more people in the mid 40s to 50s suffer the same fate. It doesn't help my confidence that life gets better. 

 

Life is hard, that one ds has always known. 

 

I remember one woman talking about her son's young adult group. Some had been lost to bad decisions, like drugs and alcohol. She said one thing that bothered her son was that no one in their group of friends talked about these people, they were just gone. That really hit me because how do you honor their memory without legitimizing (not quite the right word) the drug and alcohol part. 

 

When I turned 21, I felt defeated because I thought that life was supposed to be better than where I was at the moment. When I turned 40, I felt humiliated because I thought I would have life figured out by then. I'm 50 and still figuring out things. Am I resilient? I wouldn't say so because I feel like I gave up so many times. 

 

So how do you model something like that for your child? I don't know. Sometimes movies or books help me. End of the world, zombie, alien type movies sometimes because it's never about the zombies or aliens, it's always about those inner demons or those crappy circumstances of life for me. You find a few people to stick together with, protect each, be there when they break down, let them help you when you break, and hope there is a better end to it all. Ds knows I will always be one of those people to stick with him to the end. 

 

Doctor Who and Supernatural helped me through my divorce. I cried at every episode of Doctor Who I think. I watched so many episodes with ds, but I needed to process them alone. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  to you, your family, and your community as they process this loss. 

 

 

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I remember one woman talking about her son's young adult group. Some had been lost to bad decisions, like drugs and alcohol. She said one thing that bothered her son was that no one in their group of friends talked about these people, they were just gone. That really hit me because how do you honor their memory without legitimizing (not quite the right word) the drug and alcohol part.

When I was in the teens to late 20s, we would kind of reminisce good times which involved the friends/acquaintances who has died young at year end gatherings. It was a time to look forward and chat about new year resolutions and any new thing while remembering old days. In my childhood area, it was drug gangs fights related. Everyone in my childhood neighborhood knew about the legalities of drugs and gangs. Juvenile delinquents went to school with ankle bracelets. Sharing stories about them does not make drugs or gangs more acceptable. It just makes the deceased someone who was part of our lives either in passing as an acquaintance or daily as in classmates.

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Aww man, I'm so sorry.  When my kids became young adults and going through their own struggles, I began to share more of my own personal struggles that I've had (and made it through!).  Things I didn't share when they were younger.  Also, talking very openly about what's going on with them, developing a rapport of very open communication discussing the dark topic, whatever it is.  Encouraging them to speak with a counselor (and offering to make the appointment) or talking with other adults who they are close to.  

 

Laughing a lot, even dark humor, in the midst of horrible times.  Believe me, we did a lot of this when our family was going through our devastating event.  It can put things into a perspective (even if it's not a natural one) that helps you get through it.  You laugh at life at the same time as crying.

 

Reading inspirational books (I read tons of them about WW2 Holocaust survivors!!) and watching inspirational movies can be powerful.

 

I think what really helped my kids was seeing me continue to live life and do positive every day normal things even after something devastating.  And plan some really fun, exciting things!  Like, life goes on.

 

And take time to just enjoy a good cup of coffee together, talking about positive things, the future, and every day normal events (in a good way).

 

So much of it, in the end, is a mind game.  

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When I was in the teens to late 20s, we would kind of reminisce good times which involved the friends/acquaintances who has died young at year end gatherings. It was a time to look forward and chat about new year resolutions and any new thing while remembering old days. In my childhood area, it was drug gangs fights related. Everyone in my childhood neighborhood knew about the legalities of drugs and gangs. Juvenile delinquents went to school with ankle bracelets. Sharing stories about them does not make drugs or gangs more acceptable. It just makes the deceased someone who was part of our lives either in passing as an acquaintance or daily as in classmates.

 

I think one issue is the particular group of people I mentioned was that there was a lot of misunderstanding about drugs and alcohol in their upbringing. I sat in a few meeting where the parents really could not understand addiction as a disease, because these kids had been raised in "good" homes was their reasoning. In that case, I felt like there was an air of shame over the death of this young person, like their parents were poking at them, "see, I told you so" type of stuff. That certainly didn't help.

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I'm so sorry for your daughter's and your loss.  :grouphug:

 

I wish I could give real advice but I really don't know how to handle such a thing other than to think of the good things that would be missed out on, the people who are left that you can bless. I also can't help but think of a Tolkien quote. "There's some good in this world,Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for." 

 

:grouphug:

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I don't know, but being on the lookout for mental health issues and helping as much as they will let you to get them help, keep them going to a counselor (or helping them find a good counselor), and/or checking up on them regularly (not nagging or making them feel henpecked) are things I wish I was better at.

 

Hugs to you & your dd.

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Ds lost a classmate to suicide last fall.  It was the first semester of their freshman year, and the young man was in two of ds's classes (at a 30,000+ student university).  All I've been able to do is listen and be open to talk.  He was not invisible, the counseling center did come and talk to his classes and allow the students to talk about their feelings.

 

In the cases I know of, pressure seems to be a huge factor.  Students feel there is no other solution and no other way out.  I think it's important for them to know there are many right paths their life can follow.  The one they are on now is not singular.  Gap years, break years, transfers, etc. are all acceptable alternatives.  I try to make it clear to my ds that although I'm thrilled with the path he is on, I am fine if he changes mid-stream.  Dh and I neither one had linear paths to our current lives, and I think it's important now for kids to know the struggles we faced.

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Here's what we've done for our college-age DC during those dark times:

 

Listen to hear rather than give advice (fwiw, this is RIDICULOUSLY hard for me to do well. I'm working on it.)

Encourage talking with friends, but only the ones who are more positive in their outlooks. The negative ones really, really make it worse.

Encourage talking with therapist on campus.

Encourage good nutrition.

Encourage regular exercise.

Encourage regular supplementation of Vitamin D and fish oils.

Encourage taking a break from social media.

Bring other trusted adults into the conversation so they're hearing helpful thoughts from people besides mom and dad.

Pray like mad. (This was really the first thing!)

 

 

As you can see from the list, these are basically things we can *encourage* our dc to do, but we can't make them actually do it. We did find that by repeating these suggestions often enough, many of them were actually taken and progress was made. I don't remember the college years being so fraught with difficulty when I was going through them, but I'm sure much has to do with personality and disposition. For some kids, things hit much harder than for others. What you and your DD have been experiencing is enough to shake anyone's foundation.

 

:grouphug:

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Lisa, a connection of ours just lost her son and it reminded me that it is past time to talk with mine about suicide again. Not that I don't think about this pretty frequently in our high strung, far from perfect family. Thinking and doing are different things, though. Sigh. The "talk" isn't much - just a reminder that depression makes you feel like your family would be better off without you despite the very obvious fact that you will ruin everyone,s lives forever if you commit suicide, and that if you don't want your life, you should give it to an organization that will use it to help others - go nurse the sick or feed the hungry or something. Probably pretty useless advice if you actually are suicidal. It makes me feel better to say it, though.

 

I asked my husband about your post because he lost friends in a car crash in high school. (He had been urged to get in that car, in fact.) He said that he thinks that very close, supportive friend groups can be dangerous because it is too easy for them to "form a bubble". Things are great in the bubble. Finding that bubble and getting inside it is what almost everyone is looking for in life. But things like car crashes and illness and other realities of life happen, even inside. Then it is too easy for their view of the world to get into a self-reenforcing swirl that drifts off from reality. Relying so much on each other magnifies the bad things that happen. Like most things in life, it is a matter of finding the right balance rather than doing one thing. One of ours had that bubble. We were thrilled until we saw the down side. We are still dealing with the fall out. The others had/have a more balanced life. It is still no guarantee that they will survive, but they are definitely more resillient.

 

This is a danger with our close clan, too, but in our clan, there is definite pressure to contribute to one's community, to have individual hobbies, and to form outside friendships. To not have these things is considered dangerous and causes the rest of the clan to tut tut.

 

It is really hard to persuade another adult to do the things that will provide their lives with that balance. All you can do is explain and talk and talk and explain. If you do it too much, they stop listening. If you do it too little, they don,t hear you. If they are depressed, they don,t have the energy to put into learning a new hobby or helping improve their community or making new friends. And yet, not doing those things contributes to their depression.

 

As far as resillience goes, for me, Tolkein is super important. I fall back on that story when I am struggling. I hope I managed to give some of that to my children, too. My husband and I both came from a rather stiff-upper-lip, carry-on-with-your-job, grin-and-bear-it, no-complaining tradition, which I find really helpful as an adult. (Good thing. I can imagine only too well what a horrible swirling mess we,d make of reality, we are all such worriers.) I wish I had done a better job of passing that along to my children, but that would have required being less sympathetic, which was difficult. I know there is something reassuring in having one,s troubles made light of, but I wasn,t very good at that. I know that even as an older adult, having my parents tackle life calmly, cheerfully, and confidently has been important.

 

Not that any of this is much help. I just wanted you to know I have been thinking about you and that you aren't alone.

 

Hugs,

Nan

 

Edited to fix typos

Edited by Nan in Mass
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