Parenting advice

[DawnM]

Nope, I am not looking for any.......but people sure are generous with offering to help me or anyone else by giving it!

 

People are weird.  They have these black and white ultimatums that they throw out there.  

 

What are some you have heard?

 

Last night I heard a parent say, "Once my kid leaves for college next year, he is never welcome back.  He needs to figure life out on his own!"

 

Um, yeah, right......you talk all tough, but this is your ONLY child and I highly doubt you would leave him out in the cold if he truly needed to come back.  In fact, I highly doubt you mean any of it.

 

DH's coworker said she would NEVER help her kids pay for college, that was all on them.   Years later.......she has paid for all of her kids' college tuition costs, including a retake semester when her daughter flunked out.

 

Why the heck say stuff like that when you don't mean it?

 

 

[Nan in Mass]

I guess it is a gpod thong people don't stop learning just because they are a grown up.

Nan

[DawnM]

I guess it is a gpod thong people don't stop learning just because they are a grown up.

Nan

 

 

The problem is, they never admit it or actually seem to learn anything from it.  They never say, "Yeah, I said I would not do X, but I did and so I won't tell you what to do with your kid."  They just keep spouting off new ultimatums and telling you how to raise your kid.

[Nan in Mass]

That is indeed highly annoying. As the parent of late bloomers I got that sort of advice. Thank goodness I knew better than to follow it. Now I have a 23yo, a 26yo, and a 30yo living at home and am even more subject to it. Sometimes I explain that the combination of family preferences, school loans, and live-on-a-ship for 3months at a time jobs makes this a really good option for our family, but usually I just think, "Glad my parents weren't like you!" and pity their kids. A lot of perfectly nice people told me they would have cut my hair short this winter when I couldn't use one arm and my husband had learn to braid hair. People are weird.

 

Nan

[creekland]

Now I have a 23yo, a 26yo, and a 30yo living at home and am even more subject to it. Sometimes I explain that the combination of family preferences, school loans, and live-on-a-ship for 3months at a time jobs makes this a really good option for our family, but usually I just think, "Glad my parents weren't like you!" and pity their kids...

 

Nan

 

Interesting.  I just got finished explaining to two of my boys how much easier it could be financially for them if life led them back home (with jobs) after graduation - and let them know they're more than welcome to take advantage of it to save $$.   :coolgleamA:

 

But then again, we're a close family - and I'll freely admit I love it that way.

 

I get ultimatums though.  I was young and "knew it all" at one point too.  Fortunately I've outgrown it (mostly - I'm sure there are still spots), but I still see it often among young parents.  We even made more mistakes ourselves with our oldest compared to our youngest. That's not something I'm fond of.  Kicking them out of our family (or even threatening to) is not one of them though!

[SparklyUnicorn]

My mother's family all took that stance and meant it and followed through.  Nasty, harsh people really.  My mother ran away at 16 and never went back home. 

 

 

[Nan in Mass]

A bit over a third of the houses in my small town New England neighborhood have grown kids living with parents in them. This is common where I live. Life is easier living together and pooling resources. Some people don't get it though.

 

Nan

[winterbaby]

I am glad the concept of intergenerational interdependence is making a comeback. It's amazing how many parents of older generations really did see parenting as a temporary gig that ended promptly on the eighteenth birthday, ready or not. And they really did follow through. Many justified their detachment and stinginess as a character thing. Your acquaintances may have come from backgrounds like that, or heard it spoken of as admirable, and were trying it on for size/working it out in their own mind. Just... out loud.  :laugh:  I also suspect many parents of younger children talk about "paying for college on your own" in ignorance of the price tags and the process and quietly drop it once they get clued in.

[SparklyUnicorn]

although I will say there is no way in hell I'd live with my dad

 

 

[Scarlett]

People say all kinds of dumb things especially before they have kids. Or when they have infants. My favorite is my good friends who introduced Dh and me. When I was beginning to homeschool my ds he had a 2 year old and newborn twins.

 

'I want my kids to go to school and learn to socialize. We won't be homeschooling.' Along with several comments about how my son would benefit from school.

 

Fast forward 12 years. None of his kids have ever been to public school.

[Garga]

I am glad the concept of intergenerational interdependence is making a comeback. It's amazing how many parents of older generations really did see parenting as a temporary gig that ended promptly on the eighteenth birthday, ready or not. And they really did follow through. Many justified their detachment and stinginess as a character thing. Your acquaintances may have come from backgrounds like that, or heard it spoken of as admirable, and were trying it on for size/working it out in their own mind. Just... out loud.  :laugh:  I also suspect many parents of younger children talk about "paying for college on your own" in ignorance of the price tags and the process and quietly drop it once they get clued in.

I agree with all of this.

 

For a time in American history, a person could go to high school and get a decent paying job directly afterwards and buy a little house and live in it with their family independently. This lasted for what--maybe 50 years? And it ended not too long ago. So the mindset is still there: go to school, get a job, create your own family. If you couldn't do that, then you were probably freeloading off your parents.

 

That's not the reality of America today. You have to go to college, and you'll probably be saddled with some debt, and the job you get won't cover the huge rent you'll have to pay. But not everyone thinks the process through and realizes that the realities of the past don't apply to the realiities of today. So they spout off outdated information.

 

And young parents of young kids might not know the costs of college. I remember the day I took my kids to the Gettysburg college to a field trip to their planetarium. It was about 5 years ago. I went home to see how much it costs to go to Gburg college--tuition, housing, books. It was $60,000 a year. Now the rest of you probably know by now that that's normal for many colleges. But back then I literally sat there with my mouth gaped open and my heart beating fast. If college costs $240,000 for all four years...how? How would we ever send our kids?? My house is only $120,000.

 

All of a sudden, the thoughts I had about college shifted. I guess most people have that moment when they find out how much colleges cost. The plans change!

[Scarlett]

I agree with all of this.

 

For a time in American history, a person could go to high school and get a decent paying job directly afterwards and buy a little house and live in it with their family independently. This lasted for what--maybe 50 years? And it ended not too long ago. So the mindset is still there: go to school, get a job, create your own family. If you couldn't do that, then you were probably freeloading off your parents.

 

That's not the reality of America today. You have to go to college, and you'll probably be saddled with some debt, and the job you get won't cover the huge rent you'll have to pay. But not everyone thinks the process through and realizes that the realities of the past don't apply to the realiities of today. So they spout off outdated information.

 

And young parents of young kids might not know the costs of college. I remember the day I took my kids to the Gettysburg college to a field trip to their planetarium. It was about 5 years ago. I went home to see how much it costs to go to Gburg college--tuition, housing, books. It was $60,000 a year. Now the rest of you probably know by now that that's normal for many colleges. But back then I literally sat there with my mouth gaped open and my heart beating fast. If college costs $240,000 for all four years...how? How would we ever send our kids?? My house is only $120,000.

 

All of a sudden, the thoughts I had about college shifted. I guess most people have that moment when they find out how much colleges cost. The plans change!

Who actually pays that much for college though? I mean besides the very wealthy.

 

When I see $60k for college per year ---- or actually for a total 4 years I just think, well, that is not a good value and my mind moves on. Society is messing with people, making them think that is within the realm of reasonable.

 

Sorry for the rabbit trail.......carry on.

[TammyS]

I think there is a lot of justifiable fear of the "basement dweller", too.  Far too many of us have seen adult children living at home, being useless, not doing much (or anything), and having their lives totally stall.  I have a cousin in her mid-30s whose parents allowed (I daresay even encouraged, because of how messed up they are) this dynamic.  She's still living in her childhood room like a 15yo, complete with video games and stuffed animals.  She hardly ever held a job, and nothing more ambitious than sales clerk.  There was nothing wrong with her, other than a lack of ambition and need for guidance.  But her parents allowed it to continue, and now she's so far in the hole about it (emotionally) she can't even begin to deal with it.  I pray for her all the time that she will get some counseling, but she's passive and her parents don't really care.  I can't imagine what will become of her when they die, or if they should have a falling out.

 

No, I am not at all saying that all young people living at home are that.  But that is the fear that drives people, I believe, when they talk about tossing their kids out and such.  It's not irrational to want your kids to not stall, and so many seem to.

 

Our 18yo is in college and home for the summer.  We have no exact timeline for when he leaves, but we've been clear that him living at home is predicated on the idea that it is helping him to progress in some way with his life, and if that stops, then he has to go.  We won't allow stalling.

[Scarlett]

I Hope my son stays home a few years past 18 to get get a head start. At this point he says he is moving out as soon as he graduates. I am actively working on not freaking out because if he does he does. I did. I survived. I actually had a really great time and remember it as a fun time with my best friend. She and I both talked recently about how we wish we had just lived together for a few years and not got married....both of those first marriages ( we were both 18) failed.

 

As far as how different it is now.....I don't know. I think the expectations are different. I had a car I paid $50 a month for. Most kid now have relatively better cars. My friend and I lived in a small attic apartment. $135 per month all bills paid including cable. But it was tiny. And old. It was in a nice safe neighborhood but I can see most kids today thinking it was not doable. For one thing we shared a bedroom and a bed!

 

When xh and I married a few months later our apartment was $155 bills not paid, but it was a really nice small apartment with good utilities....

 

We all had jobs. None of us had credit cards or student loans.

[wintermom]

It is incredibly difficult to say something (hopefully wise and useful) and then actually follow-through with it. How many of our leaders do this? It's very refreshing when it actually happens. It may seem "harsh" and cruel, but I think we need more "harsh and cruel" as long as it's wise and useful in the first place. 

 

 

[SquirrellyMama]

People can't have expectations for the future? I don't see any of these as the final say. I have told my kids they won't be living here when they get out of college. Why? Because I don't want them living here when they are out of college. Is it possibility that one or two or all three might come back so they can pay off student loans? Sure, but I want it to be known that it won't be forever. 

 

I have plans for life when the kids are gone, and that involves selling the house and moving to something smaller. They can come and visit, or live for a while when life throws a curve ball, but not forever. 

 

I have told them we aren't paying for college. I know the price tag, and we still aren't paying for college. We may pay for books, food, etc..., but not the whole price tag. Again, they need to know this so they aren't expecting us to foot the entire bill.

 

I also know that life changes, and flexibility is necessary. I still want some sort of expectation of what they need to do when they are older. I'm not telling them they can live here forever, because they might take me up on it.

 

Kelly

 

[Scarlett]

People can't have expectations for the future? I don't see any of these as the final say. I have told my kids they won't be living here when they get out of college. Why? Because I don't want them living here when they are out of college. Is it possibility that one or two or all three might come back so they can pay off student loans? Sure, but I want it to be known that it won't be forever.

 

I have plans for life when the kids are gone, and that involves selling the house and moving to something smaller. They can come and visit, or live for a while when life throws a curve ball, but not forever.

 

I have told them we aren't paying for college. I know the price tag, and we still aren't paying for college. We may pay for books, food, etc..., but not the whole price tag. Again, they need to know this so they aren't expecting us to foot the entire bill.

 

I also know that life changes, and flexibility is necessary. I still want some sort of expectation of what they need to do when they are older. I'm not telling them they can live here forever, because they might take me up on it.

 

Kelly

I agree. I tell ds my 'help' to him is that he can live here for free while he does more school or gets a job and saves for a year or so. It is expensive to pay for rent and utilities and food so this is a generous offer. But he knows no one is writing him a check to go off and live in the dorms for 4 years.

[displace]

Who actually pays that much for college though? I mean besides the very wealthy.

 

When I see $60k for college per year ---- or actually for a total 4 years I just think, well, that is not a good value and my mind moves on. Society is messing with people, making them think that is within the realm of reasonable.

 

Sorry for the rabbit trail.......carry on.

Loans are readily accessible to a lot of students. Maybe not $60 grand per year, but $30 grand per year is probably an average price for out of state Univ tuition.

 

Common "knowledge " is that student debt is "good debt" and many students don't study finances in depth to understand what a burden student debt is, how large repayment can be, budgeting for future expenses or terminal degrees. Parents may not be well educated enough to advise their children either. ETA - the advice I received: take out as much student loans as possible so as to not run out of money or be worried about money. While well-meaning and sort of logical, I'm grateful I had scholarships to last me through undergrad. Later expenses have burdened me beyond belief for years.

 

I'm am already counseling DC to try to earn college credit in high school (if able), stay at community college or in state university for undergrad, etc.

Edited May 24, 2017 by displace

[Scarlett]

Loans are readily accessible to a lot of students. Maybe not $60 grand per year, but $30 grand per year is probably an average price for out of state Univ tuition.

 

Common "knowledge " is that student debt is "good debt" and many students don't study finances in depth to understand what a burden student debt is, how large repayment can be, budgeting for future expenses or terminal degrees. Parents may not be well educated enough to advise their children either. My parental advise: take out as much student loans as possible so as to not run out of money or be worried about money. While well-meaning and sort of logical, I'm grateful I had scholarships to last me through undergrad. Later expenses have burdened me beyond belief for years.

 

I'm am already counseling DC to try to earn college credit in high school (if able), stay at community college or in state university for undergrad, etc.

I had to read your post three times to figure out when you said your parental advice you mean the advice you got from your parents. ( need more coffee) yes, I have heard that a lot and yes it rarely turns out positive.

[Scarlett]

Can 18 year olds get student loans without parental approval?

[SquirrellyMama]

I had to read your post three times to figure out when you said your parental advice you mean the advice you got from your parents. ( need more coffee) yes, I have heard that a lot and yes it rarely turns out positive.

 

I also read that incorrectly, until I read your comment. I was thinking, "that was my parent's advice, and it was not good for me." My parent's generation just assumed that any degree would get you a great job to pay off all of those loans. Neither of my parents went to college, so I think they had an unrealistic view of it.

 

Kelly

[gardenmom5]

 

Last night I heard a parent say, "Once my kid leaves for college next year, he is never welcome back.  He needs to figure life out on his own!"

 

Um, yeah, right......you talk all tough, but this is your ONLY child and I highly doubt you would leave him out in the cold if he truly needed to come back.  In fact, I highly doubt you mean any of it.

 

DH's coworker said she would NEVER help her kids pay for college, that was all on them.   Years later.......she has paid for all of her kids' college tuition costs, including a retake semester when her daughter flunked out.

 

Why the heck say stuff like that when you don't mean it?

 

miss manners had a gentle reader write and make similar comments about child rearing from an expectant father.  apparently - he'd had run ins with people telling him their own opinions.   then he asked what she thought.  . . . "gentle reader, Miss Manners thinks this is your first child."

 

that said .. . . I have too often heard of parents who chase their kid out at 18 and don't allow them to come back. .. some of them even wonder why it might be three or six or even more months before they hear from them again.

 

generally when people say such stuff - they only have theory and it's only as time passes does experience inform them their theory needs revising to fit with reality.

[SquirrellyMama]

Can 18 year olds get student loans without parental approval?

 

When I went to college, my parents had to be denied loans before I could get them. I wonder if parents have to take out loans first still. They had to take out loans for my brother, which they defaulted on. This was 20 years ago, so I'm not sure what happens now. We'll have to figure this out soon. Our oldest will be a junior next year. My hope is that she'll start with CC, and then decide if she needs to move on, or if she can work. 

 

Kelly

[teachermom2834]

College , housing, and healthcare costs are all different for this generation than they were for ours.

 

Dh and I got married right after college graduation and moved away so dh could go to grad school. I got pregnant a year later. We had no family support or savings. But we made it. One huge reason is that we were able to live in married student housing for $275/mo (20 years ago). We did that for years and even after dh graduated he stayed in part time as a lab assistant just so we could continue to live there. We were able to save money for a starter house. We are on our third house now. We do ok but cheap housing was key to our getting our start. I just don't think that exists many places any more. I know the housing we lived in has been torn down and not replaced.

 

I think living at home after graduation has cropped up as a response to the lack of cheap housing. If mine need to live here to get their footing they are more than welcome. That is a step toward independence and entirely different than the adult in the basement playing video games all day.

[DawnM]

Well, I have to say that....I say that stuff ALL the time!  Of COURSE however, I don't actually mean it and DD21 knows full well that after she graduates next summer she can stay with us if she needs to. 

 

I also have to say, I love my parents, but.....I don't know that I could EVER go back to live with them for any real length of time.  I mean, we have spent a LOT of time staying over at their house while dealing with the situation with FIL's estate the last six months.  And mom and I regularly go on overnight trips with my kids, we do a multi day yard sale trip each year, etc etc.  But to LIVE there....especially with the 3 little kids....I would go insane.  If I had to do it to avoid becoming homeless, of course I would, but we might all kill each other by the end of the first week lol.  So for me, yeah, once I moved out, I never intend to go back. 

 

 

But do you tell other parents that these are your rules, and berate them for having different ones?

[SquirrellyMama]

But do you tell other parents that these are your rules, and berate them for having different ones?

 

I don't see anything wrong with telling people what your rules are, I do have a problem with berating others for their choices.

 

Kelly

 

Edited May 24, 2017 by SquirrellyMama

[DawnM]

I don't see anything wrong with telling people what your rules are, I do have a problem with berating others for their choices.

 

Kelly

 

 

But the poster said she doesn't really mean them.......so they are just noise.  That is my complaint.  These rules are not what these people actually mean......so why say them? 

[SquirrellyMama]

But the poster said she doesn't really mean them.......so they are just noise.  That is my complaint.  These rules are not what these people actually mean......so why say them? 

 

I understand what she's talking about. Yes, I say these things, but I can also be flexible. I need them to understand that my expectation is that they won't live here forever. There is flexibility within it.

 

Kelly

[Mimm]

Most of the unasked for parenting advice I've seen involves hitting children when they act at all like imperfect human being. "I would never let my kid act that way. That kid needs a smack upside the head." Etc. Apparently the world would be a better place is everyone was beaten into submission. :glare:

[Hyacinth]

How many of us did the "I would never . . . " only to do that thing later when the reasonableness made sense?

 

I would never homeschool.

I would never feed my kid ____. (hot dogs, boxed mac & cheese, soda, sugary cereals, etc.).

I would never max out a credit card.

I would never let my child ____ (watch that, listen to that, do that).

 

Wisdom has taught me to be less black-and-white about most issues. (Agreeing wholeheartedly that it's hard to listen to people talk in such absolute terms, especially when reality says differently.)

 

 

[SKL]

Gotta say I've said things.  I prefer not to remember which things, but I know I've said some.  :P

 

Now I mostly tell people how humbling it is to be a parent.

 

As for my kids' future, they have both informed me they are living in my house forever.  My response is that it's fine as long as you aren't impossible to live with.  :P  I have a single friend age 50 who has always lived with her parents - first so they could help her out, but then it was more so she could help them out (and so they all would have company).  My younger brother, who is a nurse, has said he may move in with my parents to help them if they ever need it.  Sounds great to me.

[DawnM]

In our case.....it's just a joke.  It's said laughingly.  My kid knows we love her and that we would "never leave her hangin' " so to speak. 

 

 

Right.  And if things had been said in a joking way, I would have laughed it off.  I joke with my kids about things too.

[Murphy101]

Can 18 year olds get student loans without parental approval?

Of course they can. They are no longer minors. They can get get all kinds of loans, though sometimes the most insidious are student loans bc those don't require any kind of proven ability to pay it back.

 

That said, for his junior year, one of my sons got student loans. It was that it drop out of college.

 

Personally I'm torn bc I think student loans are awful and inflat the cost of college. But I'm not going to screw my kid over by eliminating his ability to get an education or career either. I guess I could just write them off to either sink or swim, but that's not who I am. IME I've not seen this make stronger families or give character to anyone. It's just left a lot of people messed up.

 

People think that there's full rides for good grades, but the truth is those are extremely rare even for great students from low income families. My kids have about 70% covered, which is no small amount even at a state school, but 25% is still a LOT of money for someone working minimum wage and trying to support themselves as much as possible. It takes the whole community and family pitching in to make it happen.

[DawnM]

How many of us did the "I would never . . . " only to do that thing later when the reasonableness made sense?

 

I would never homeschool.

I would never feed my kid ____. (hot dogs, boxed mac & cheese, soda, sugary cereals, etc.).

I would never max out a credit card.

I would never let my child ____ (watch that, listen to that, do that).

 

Wisdom has taught me to be less black-and-white about most issues. (Agreeing wholeheartedly that it's hard to listen to people talk in such absolute terms, especially when reality says differently.)

 

 

True, although their kids were 18, so they should know better.

 

And having a special needs child has taught me A LOT.   

[DawnM]

Of course they can. They are no longer minors. They can get get all kinds of loans, though sometimes the most insidious are student loans bc those don't require any kind of proven ability to pay it back.

 

That said, for his junior year, one of my sons got student loans. It was that it drop out of college.

 

Personally I'm torn bc I think student loans are awful and inflat the cost of college. But I'm not going to screw my kid over by eliminating his ability to get an education or career either. I guess I could just write them off to either sink or swim, but that's not who I am. IME I've not seen this make stronger families or give character to anyone. It's just left a lot of people messed up.

 

People think that there's full rides for good grades, but the truth is those are extremely rare even for great students from low income families. My kids have about 70% covered, which is no small amount even at a state school, but 25% is still a LOT of money for someone working minimum wage and trying to support themselves as much as possible. It takes the whole community and family pitching in to make it happen.

 

 

I thought the most they are allowing students to take out in loans is now capped at $5,000????

 

Yeah, I get a lot of comments about, "Oh, he can just get a scholarship if he really wants to go."  Um, probably not.  It would be great if he did, but probably not.

[Murphy101]

I thought the most they are allowing students to take out in loans is now capped at $5,000????

 

Yeah, I get a lot of comments about, "Oh, he can just get a scholarship if he really wants to go." Um, probably not. It would be great if he did, but probably not.

Nope. No cap.

[Scarlett]

Of course they can. They are no longer minors. They can get get all kinds of loans, though sometimes the most insidious are student loans bc those don't require any kind of proven ability to pay it back.

 

That said, for his junior year, one of my sons got student loans. It was that it drop out of college.

 

Personally I'm torn bc I think student loans are awful and inflat the cost of college. But I'm not going to screw my kid over by eliminating his ability to get an education or career either. I guess I could just write them off to either sink or swim, but that's not who I am. IME I've not seen this make stronger families or give character to anyone. It's just left a lot of people messed up.

 

People think that there's full rides for good grades, but the truth is those are extremely rare even for great students from low income families. My kids have about 70% covered, which is no small amount even at a state school, but 25% is still a LOT of money for someone working minimum wage and trying to support themselves as much as possible. It takes the whole community and family pitching in to make it happen.

 

So an 18 year old can't get a car loan without a co-signer but he can get unlimited student loans without a co-signer?

 

Wow.  I think that is insanity.  And why parents should be educating their children about how money works...

 

But no I am not 100%   against student loans.  But I think it needs to be carefully examined. 

[regentrude]

I thought the most they are allowing students to take out in loans is now capped at $5,000????

 

You may be thinking of Stafford loans. Those are capped, 5k for freshmen, and gradually increasing a bit more in subsequent years.

[Murphy101]

I'm at the confusing stage of parenting where I have grown kids and a 7 month old, so it is not unusual for someone to think this is my only baby. Or I'll be out with just the 5 yr old boy or just the youngest girls and people will comment on how I don't know about boys or girls bc they think I only have one or the other.

 

Pending my mood or how outrageous their comment, I either smile knowingly at my kids and ignore them or set them straight.

 

Some examples...

 

Yes I do feed my baby whatever I think she can have off my plate. No, lemons and butter pickles (her all time favorite things to chew currently) will not hurt her. Yes, I know she just nursed a few minutes ago. It's my boobs so what's it to you? Yes, she is held a lot and no I'm not even slightly concerned she will be spoiled bc of it. Yes that toy fell in the dirt and I still let her play with it. A little dirt is good for growing kids. Heck. A lot of dirt is even better. Yes, I know my 5 yr old has some mild speech issues. That's not why he doesn't want to talk to you. I suspect it's the same reason I don't want to either.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Murphy101

[displace]

The problem is, they never admit it or actually seem to learn anything from it. They never say, "Yeah, I said I would not do X, but I did and so I won't tell you what to do with your kid." They just keep spouting off new ultimatums and telling you how to raise your kid.

Maybe they have difficulty remembering they once said X and now do Y. Or they just randomly say things without really thinking.

[displace]

I had to read your post three times to figure out when you said your parental advice you mean the advice you got from your parents. ( need more coffee) yes, I have heard that a lot and yes it rarely turns out positive.

Fixed it to clarify, thanks!

[zoobie]

I'm pretty sure I said I would never have kids. Or homeschool. :rofl:

[DawnM]

I'm pretty sure I said I would never have kids. Or homeschool. :rofl:

 

 

And did you tell others that your way was the best way and they shouldn't have kids or homeschool either?

 

I am just in a pissy mood.   Do whatever you want, seriously, just don't tell me your way is the only way and people are stupid to do it any other way, or imply it.

[gardenmom5]

I'm at the confusing stage of parenting where I have grown kids and a 7 month old, so it is not unusual for someone to think this is my only baby. Or I'll be out with just the 5 yr old boy or just the youngest girls and people will comment on how I don't know about boys or girls bc they think I only have one or the other.

 

Pending my mood or how outrageous their comment, I either smile knowingly at my kids and ignore them or set them straight.

 

Some examples...

 

Yes I do feed my baby whatever I think she can have off my plate. No, lemons and butter pickles (her all time favorite things to chew currently) will not hurt her. Yes, I know she just nursed a few minutes ago. It's my boobs so what's it to you? Yes, she is held a lot and no I'm not even slightly concerned she will be spoiled bc of it. Yes that toy fell in the dirt and I still let her play with it. A little dirt is good for growing kids. Heck. A lot of dirt is even better. Yes, I know my 5 yr old has some mild speech issues. That's not why he doesn't want to talk to you. I suspect it's the same reason I don't want to either.

 

 

2dd used to *dive* face first mouth wide open into our "sandbox". . . . :svengo:   I don't know how many times I'd run her into the house to clean out her mouth.  she was a toddler/preschooler . . . she now says it's why she doesn't have any allergies.   

 

there's a reason working in the garden is good for you - it's the exposure to dirt.

[TammyS]

Can 18 year olds get student loans without parental approval?

 

Federal loans up to (I think) $7500/yr, so nowhere near enough for most schools.  Almost all other loans require a parent to cosign, because the student has nothing that makes them credit worthy.

[Janeway]

Nope, I am not looking for any.......but people sure are generous with offering to help me or anyone else by giving it!

 

People are weird.  They have these black and white ultimatums that they throw out there.  

 

What are some you have heard?

 

Last night I heard a parent say, "Once my kid leaves for college next year, he is never welcome back.  He needs to figure life out on his own!"

 

Um, yeah, right......you talk all tough, but this is your ONLY child and I highly doubt you would leave him out in the cold if he truly needed to come back.  In fact, I highly doubt you mean any of it.

 

DH's coworker said she would NEVER help her kids pay for college, that was all on them.   Years later.......she has paid for all of her kids' college tuition costs, including a retake semester when her daughter flunked out.

 

Why the heck say stuff like that when you don't mean it?

Refer to my thread on defective 15 yr olds. Perhaps they had a teen they were dealing with when they said that stuff. LOL

[J-rap]

I am glad the concept of intergenerational interdependence is making a comeback. 

 

Me too.  :)  

[Farrar]

I once heard a woman... pretty sure she was the mother... on the phone with her college son, tell him that he had ruined his life and would never get a job or find any success (I'm not using hyperbole - she for real said that) because he only had a 3.something GPA.

[Janie Grace]

The worst offenders are parents of very young children for whom life is still pretty simple and empty nesters who somehow don't remember what real parenting is like. It seems like people just like saying things that sound authoritative or counter cultural or something. Not in that category, but I overheard an older mom of 5 (adults) tell a young mom of several littles to "always sleep when the baby sleeps!" Um, yeah. That doesn't work after the first one, remember?  :lol:

[Anne in CA]

And did you tell others that your way was the best way and they shouldn't have kids or homeschool either?

 

I am just in a pissy mood.   Do whatever you want, seriously, just don't tell me your way is the only way and people are stupid to do it any other way, or imply it.

But many people lack the mental flexibility to understand they are NOT the center of the universe. Even people over fifty. DH still gets annoyed that there are some people who order food and it's not what they expected and they tell you the food is horrible, how could you serve that???? I have had three people in four years say they don't like our Ruben sandwich. All three were annoyed that the bread was really crispy. Three people. All of them said, "no one could eat this, it's awful," when in fact there were other people in the restaurant happily eating Rubens saying this was the best Ruben they ever had.  I have guests who drive sixty miles or more out of their way to eat a Ruben here. Those people were all over fifty and honest to God did not know that other people have other opinions. It is sad to be them, because I am sure that they also don't understand they are alienating people with their judgments.