So, okay, should I not have done this? Not checked the email, not made her look at it? Then just wait for bad things to happen? Ugh...
I've stayed out of this thread for fear of being attacked. I've done things like this for ds. He has ASD. He talked to disability services before he went to college and he qualifies for a host of accommodations, but he has chosen not to use any. His executive function issues are huge, and while he has never argued with me about a deadline, he has been unaware of deadlines or had them wrong.
I've tried to scaffold as others have so beautifully stated. There has been a huge drop in the amount of support he needed from his first semester (a LOT) vs the amount of support he needed his 4th semester (I had to pressure him to write one paper in a class he lost interest in). I've never contacted the college since he became a student. I have helped him write emails or discussed what he might say to a teacher, but I haven't done it. I certainly do know what his grades are, not on assignments, but mid-term and semester grades. I'm shocked to learn that there are people who don't know! Dh and I do pay for college for our kids and I guess that is why it still feels like it is my business.
Essentially, my young adult kids are still my dependents. The IRS recognizes that, the insurance company recognizes that, most of our society readily accepts that. I have one that needs that and one that doesn't but both appreciate it. They know kids who have to do it all on their own and are glad they get this buffer to adulthood. I've always seen college as a half-way house to adulthood. There is more independence, more responsibility, but still more guidance and support too. Are some parents over-involved? Undoubtedly. Do some kids still need parental involvement to succeed at this age? Yep. Just as with every other stage of life, it is our job as parents to be there in the ways our kids need us to be while encouraging them to step out of their comfort zones, expand their independence and transition to adulthood. Some kids do it faster than others. Some parents do it better than others. We're all doing our best.
I encourage everyone to be patient with both the young adults who are too dependent and the parents who are over-involved. We're all on different paths, traveling to different places at different speeds. Try not to run over those who move at a slower pace. We have the right to our paths too.