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So P.O.'d about BIL and funeral arangements JAWM please


Ginevra
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It's not really fair to the siblings either for him to wait until tonight to bring it up; he knows they're assuming you guys will take them, and he's giving them all as limited time as possible to rearrange their own schedules if they DO want to take her. If one of the siblings DOES want to take her, they may need to talk to their boss or make other arrangements today. It's not really fair of him to toss that in their laps at the last minute. They SHOULDN'T be assuming that you guys will handle it, but you both know that they are. He should at least give them proper opportunity to help if they want to.

Well, I sort of think this, too, but DH did say in the first place that he was not okay with it, that she should just go to the Memorial. So, that BIL is making it someone else's problem is true, but he made it a problem to begin with. Nobody *wants* to take her and I'm quite sure nobody wants to fill in for the BIL that caused it to be a problem. I DO think he should be making it clear right now (yesterday, actually) that it isn't going to be him or me and that he should be telling BIL that if it was so important to him to have her go, he can rearrange his own damn meeting and take her himself. But he hasn't done that yet and there's not much else I can do that is in my place to do.

 

Like I said, I would not wait; I would have whatever arguments are going to happen now, but I am the one who wants stuff arranged and figured out in advance; I am not a "winger." But I'm also not going to but in and start making declaration about what DH and I are not going to do. It's for DH to do. I don't like it dragging on, but it's his family.

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Well, I sort of think this, too, but DH did say in the first place that he was not okay with it, that she should just go to the Memorial. So, that BIL is making it someone else's problem is true, but he made it a problem to begin with. Nobody *wants* to take her and I'm quite sure nobody wants to fill in for the BIL that caused it to be a problem. I DO think he should be making it clear right now (yesterday, actually) that it isn't going to be him or me and that he should be telling BIL that if it was so important to him to have her go, he can rearrange his own damn meeting and take her himself. But he hasn't done that yet and there's not much else I can do that is in my place to do.

 

Like I said, I would not wait; I would have whatever arguments are going to happen now, but I am the one who wants stuff arranged and figured out in advance; I am not a "winger." But I'm also not going to but in and start making declaration about what DH and I are not going to do. It's for DH to do. I don't like it dragging on, but it's his family.

I'm mad on your behalf for all the unnecessary trouble your bil stirred up, and your mil's understandable upsetness at having the opportunity to go dangled in front of her with no consideration for what was best for her or anyone, and that you and your dh have to deal with the fallout of that :grouphug:.

 

In your shoes, I'd just plan that she's not going to go, because there's next to no chance that someone is going to volunteer to take her, especially with the extremely short notice involved. And honestly, I'd be strongly in favor of you and your dh just calling it now, and emailing tonight that given the original plans of the cousins and how hard getting up and going would be on your MIL, you are reverting back to the original plan of her only attending the memorial with everyone. Because, let's face it, it's what's clearly going to happen by default anyway, so might as well make life easier on everyone and be the ones to just make the decision, instead of everyone punting it back on someone else.

 

The main difficulty that I see is your mil's upsetness over not going, but since not going is pretty much a foregone conclusion, that's going to be an issue anyway. Since you strongly feel that it's best for both you/dh *and* your mil for her to not go - and no one is going to make it happen if you don't (and you aren't) - just call it and let your dh's email be that she's not going for all the very good reasons you've outlined here.

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This is why shared elder care is so difficult. It's a very special group of children with phenomenal communication and relational skills who can pull it off.

 

Quill, do you think things would be better if one child had primary care of your MIL and made most of the decisions for her?

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This is why shared elder care is so difficult. It's a very special group of children with phenomenal communication and relational skills who can pull it off.

 

Quill, do you think things would be better if one child had primary care of your MIL and made most of the decisions for her?

It would be easier in some ways, yes, but that is never going to happen. There was one sibling who was taking her for more of the time and who also controls most of the finances, and who also has no children (so is less distracted overall), but she lives in a different state. Nobody is okay with MIL being permanently far away, KWIM? The good part is that this group of siblings works together better than many and we already have several cooperative ventures (i.e., co-owned vacation cottage), so it's not as rogue as it could be. But any time you have six children, plus all their spouses who all have some input, it's going to get tricky.

 

I think everyone is just trying to make something as fair as possible for however long she is still alive/capable of not having full-time assistance, but it's always going to be hard in that everyone is not going to agree on what is best.

 

Elder care is just challenging under even the best circumstances.

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Well, I sort of think this, too, but DH did say in the first place that he was not okay with it, that she should just go to the Memorial. So, that BIL is making it someone else's problem is true, but he made it a problem to begin with. Nobody *wants* to take her and I'm quite sure nobody wants to fill in for the BIL that caused it to be a problem. I DO think he should be making it clear right now (yesterday, actually) that it isn't going to be him or me and that he should be telling BIL that if it was so important to him to have her go, he can rearrange his own damn meeting and take her himself. But he hasn't done that yet and there's not much else I can do that is in my place to do.

 

Like I said, I would not wait; I would have whatever arguments are going to happen now, but I am the one who wants stuff arranged and figured out in advance; I am not a "winger." But I'm also not going to but in and start making declaration about what DH and I are not going to do. It's for DH to do. I don't like it dragging on, but it's his family.

No, but if others fail to deal with it, you can join in their passive resistance campaign by not getting mom up and dressed in the morning, and if anyone shows up letting them know, "I'm sorry, I thought BIL made it clear that getting her up and dressed was part of the commitment to taking her."

 

I don't guess that would be spreading the love, tho.

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Well, here's the UPDATE: the one Not-An-AHole brother (NAAHB) is going to take her tomorrow. This is the same brother who said he didn't think it was a good idea. But he is a good mediator type and, I guess, had spoken to A-Hole Brother and agreed to do it. DH taked to NAAHB today on the phone and he agreed to come get her and take her there. So it's not as big of an issue (except I still have to get her ready eatly).

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Well, here's the UPDATE: the one Not-An-AHole brother (NAAHB) is going to take her tomorrow. This is the same brother who said he didn't think it was a good idea. But he is a good mediator type and, I guess, had spoken to A-Hole Brother and agreed to do it. DH taked to NAAHB today on the phone and he agreed to come get her and take her there. So it's not as big of an issue (except I still have to get her ready eatly).

 

I've been so horrified by this whole situation I was audibly gasping, so I was forced to read part of the thread to DH.  DH says you have one more problem than just getting her up early.  You also have to figure out how much sugar to pour in A-Hole BIL's gas tank.

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It would be easier in some ways, yes, but that is never going to happen. There was one sibling who was taking her for more of the time and who also controls most of the finances, and who also has no children (so is less distracted overall), but she lives in a different state. Nobody is okay with MIL being permanently far away, KWIM? The good part is that this group of siblings works together better than many and we already have several cooperative ventures (i.e., co-owned vacation cottage), so it's not as rogue as it could be. But any time you have six children, plus all their spouses who all have some input, it's going to get tricky.

 

I think everyone is just trying to make something as fair as possible for however long she is still alive/capable of not having full-time assistance, but it's always going to be hard in that everyone is not going to agree on what is best.

 

Elder care is just challenging under even the best circumstances.

 

 

I know it  you get frustrated but I do think the family does a great job overall.

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He is married. His wife is pretty special, too.

:grouphug:

Sounds very similar to my dad's 4th brother and his wife. They are narcissistic manipulators to boot.

 

Glad you don't have to drive your MIL even though you still have the exhausting task of getting her ready.

 

Luckily I literally fainted (more than once) at my paternal grandmother's wake and funeral, and gave the nicer relatives an excuse to babysit me instead of listening to those two "jokers" commanding people around. It was due to my low blood pressure, anemia and lack of fresh air.

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Just catching up on all of this now, Quill. Best wishes for tomorrow. I'm glad you don't have to take her, but still... (sigh). :grouphug:

Thanks. DH's sister (the out-of-state one) stopped in today for a few hours. (Ironically, she is headed up north for a different funeral tomorrow morning.) I was glad she came by because she helped me pick out something for MIL to wear tomorrow. She also calmed me down about MIL's hair because I had meant to have her hair done this week but it could not happen. I was worried that other siblings would be unhappy with her hair or clothes but decent SIL set out an outfit and said her hair is no big deal; it should be done soon but it's not far from how she likes it.

 

Also, DH will go into work late tomorrow and will wake her up and fix her breakfast. It still makes me stressed because I'm the time-aware person and I will have to leave to take DS to school (we are short one car because my van broke down, ARGH!), and hopefully I will be getting back with just enough time to spare to style her hair and have her brush her teeth before NAAHB gets here. Just pray with me that DH can be time-aware for the forty-five minutes I'm not home, so MIL gets showered and dressed in time for me to just do her hair! ðŸ™

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situation mostly resolved, but I was going to mention that I didn't read anywhere in this thread any comment about MIL's desire to go. It sounds like someone else is always deciding for her. Has she been asked if she wants to go and the details explained to her? 

I feel for you, Quill. I am so relieved that we are not around dh's family.

 

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You know, I couldn't think of a JAWM way to say this, up until now, but despite all the darned churn and the ridiculous antics of the BIL, I'm glad that MIL gets to attend her best friend's actual funeral.  That is a good thing, and Quill, I'm so glad you don't have to drop everything and make it happen because that would be just crazy.

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Is showering really necessary for her in the morning? My MIL seems to go several days between showers (and then only showers at night), and she's a very clean, neat person who's aware of her appearance.

 

Will pray all goes smoothly tomorrow.

It kind of is, because she takes care of her other personal needs (think incontinence supplies) at that time. Also, I think the memory problems are helped by keeping the routine as similar day-to-day as possible. She doesn't wash her hair for every shower, but the habit of the showering and dressing and personal care stuff I think is beneficial.

 

But I know what you mean - that is the first thing I considered eliminating and even mentioned it to DH, but he said No, really it's much better if she can shower. He assures me he will make sure she gets in the shower while I'm taking DS to school. (The thing that makes me a nervous wreck is there's no hurrying her once she disappears behind the bathroom door! 😠She has not much awareness of time passing.)

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situation mostly resolved, but I was going to mention that I didn't read anywhere in this thread any comment about MIL's desire to go. It sounds like someone else is always deciding for her. Has she been asked if she wants to go and the details explained to her?

I feel for you, Quill. I am so relieved that we are not around dh's family.

She does want to go, but also, it wasn't spelled out that the cousins stated this funeral would be only immediate family. In fact, I think I just heard DH clarifying to her that, no, the rest of us will not be attending this one, just the memorial in May.

 

It's also, I think, partially dementia and partially her very agreeable personality, but it's hard to get her to really make a statement about what she wants or doesn't want. So, yeah, we could ask her but it's like she doesn't really have that finer points of decision-weighing capacity anymore, KWIM? Of course she wants to go to the funeral, but if she had understood the initial wishes, she would have just accepted going to the Memorial; I don't think she has the decision-making aspect to weigh what the cousins requested and then debate about whether or not she liked that, or would attempt to change anyone's mind.

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As far as getting her to say what she does or doesn't want, I have BTDT with my grandmother. She was such a sweetie at 86 with mild dementia that she could not tell you if she wanted milk or juice with dinner when you were holding both pitchers and either was  perfectly fine. She had training as a young person that mitigated her own desires. I wonder what the next generation will be like as elderly people...

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Wait. Quill. You are takng her?

 

I understood that you and Dh would not be taking her.

No, I'm not taking her, but she is living here, so DH and I are getting her up, fed, showered and dressed. The reasonable BIL is coming by to pick her up at 8:30 tomorrow morning.

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As far as getting her to say what she does or doesn't want, I have BTDT with my grandmother. She was such a sweetie at 86 with mild dementia that she could not tell you if she wanted milk or juice with dinner when you were holding both pitchers and either was perfectly fine. She had training as a young person that mitigated her own desires. I wonder what the next generation will be like as elderly people...

Yes, it's just like that. But it's also funny because I'm like a detective, watching to see what things she particularly likes to eat or drink. She loves to have a dill pickle with her sandwich, yet she never asks for it or says so. But when I brought her shopping with me, I picked up the jar of pickles and said, "Do you like these? I LOVE having a pickle now and then!" And she said, "Well, yes, I do like a pickle sometimes." And then when I make her a sandwich, I put a pickle with it and I notice she really likes to have that pickle! It feels like a tiny victory that I have hit upon something she really does prefer. 😃.

 

Other big hits: Meatloaf dinner with mashed potatoes; Sloppy Joes; Ham and Swiss sandwiches. Oh, and English Muffins or Poached Eggs for breakfast.

 

I have also figured out that she does not much like Pizza and I don't think shrimp does much for her, either. So, no real plans to make Pizza for now; it was usually my Friday night easy choice, but she's much happier with a Potato Soup or Grilled Cheeses.

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My MIL with dementia cannot make decisions anymore. That part of her brain that made choices no longer works. And she was a very highly opinionated person who never ever bowed to anyone else's desire.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Right now I can't imagine this happening to me... but time will tell. I actually do put others first quite a bit, but I always have my own opinion, lol. 

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Yes, it's just like that. But it's also funny because I'm like a detective, watching to see what things she particularly likes to eat or drink. She loves to have a dill pickle with her sandwich, yet she never asks for it or says so. But when I brought her shopping with me, I picked up the jar of pickles and said, "Do you like these? I LOVE having a pickle now and then!" And she said, "Well, yes, I do like a pickle sometimes." And then when I make her a sandwich, I put a pickle with it and I notice she really likes to have that pickle! It feels like a tiny victory that I have hit upon something she really does prefer. 😃.

 

Other big hits: Meatloaf dinner with mashed potatoes; Sloppy Joes; Ham and Swiss sandwiches. Oh, and English Muffins or Poached Eggs for breakfast.

 

I have also figured out that she does not much like Pizza and I don't think shrimp does much for her, either. So, no real plans to make Pizza for now; it was usually my Friday night easy choice, but she's much happier with a Potato Soup or Grilled Cheeses.

 

You are a sweet and thoughtful DIL.

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My MIL with dementia cannot make decisions anymore. That part of her brain that made choices no longer works. And she was a very highly opinionated person who never ever bowed to anyone else's desire.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, it is often one of the signs of dementia, as I understand it. Inability to make decisions, and inability to think through a "plan." So, she knows she's going tomorrow, but she will not be thinking in a step-by-step way. Even once DH wakes her up, he will need to remind her why he is waking her up and why we can't lolly-gag around.

 

But her personality is also very flexible. She didn't have forceful opinions even years ago.

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My MIL with dementia cannot make decisions anymore. That part of her brain that made choices no longer works. And she was a very highly opinionated person who never ever bowed to anyone else's desire.

 

Same with my MIL.  Super, super opinionated until the severe stage of dementia hit (maybe the stage before severe).  Now she can't make any decisions and will say "yes" to whatever, esp "what to do" choices or foods - even if she doesn't actually eat it when it's on her plate.

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As far as getting her to say what she does or doesn't want, I have BTDT with my grandmother. She was such a sweetie at 86 with mild dementia that she could not tell you if she wanted milk or juice with dinner when you were holding both pitchers and either was  perfectly fine. She had training as a young person that mitigated her own desires. I wonder what the next generation will be like as elderly people...

 

There is a skit on Prairie Home Companion about this....a wife is trying to offer her husband a donut, and he won't say which he wants. Just keeps saying "whatever is easiest". She's like, they are both on the same freaking plate, neither is easier than the other. He still keeps saying it. In the end you hear a shotgun being prepped, and then he finally says, I think. 

 

I WISH I could find the audio clip, it is SO my husband and me. Drives me nuts, lol. 

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I hope all went well this morning, Quill.

It did. Thanks for thinking of us. DH got her up at 6:45 and made her coffee and breakfast. She got in the shower before I took DS to school and I fixed her hair when I returned with one minute to spare before reasonable BIL arrived.

 

She's gonna be wiped out for the rest of the day, though.

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It did. Thanks for thinking of us. DH got her up at 6:45 and made her coffee and breakfast. She got in the shower before I took DS to school and I fixed her hair when I returned with one minute to spare before reasonable BIL arrived.

 

She's gonna be wiped out for the rest of the day, though.

Maybe she can sleep in the car on the ride home.

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There is a skit on Prairie Home Companion about this....a wife is trying to offer her husband a donut, and he won't say which he wants. Just keeps saying "whatever is easiest". She's like, they are both on the same freaking plate, neither is easier than the other. He still keeps saying it. In the end you hear a shotgun being prepped, and then he finally says, I think.

 

I WISH I could find the audio clip, it is SO my husband and me. Drives me nuts, lol.

Is this it? http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/19970419/97_0419WOBEGONICS.htm

 

Not the audio but very funny

 

Oh wait the audio might be there too....but I can't open it on my IPad.

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There is a skit on Prairie Home Companion about this....a wife is trying to offer her husband a donut, and he won't say which he wants. Just keeps saying "whatever is easiest". She's like, they are both on the same freaking plate, neither is easier than the other. He still keeps saying it. In the end you hear a shotgun being prepped, and then he finally says, I think. 

 

I WISH I could find the audio clip, it is SO my husband and me. Drives me nuts, lol.

 

My Dh does this to me sometimes.

 

He might be Lieng in bed looking at a device (phone, iPad). I come in and do some stuff, on my way out I can't remember if the lights were on or off when I entered.

Me: I'm leaving. Do you want the lights on or off?

Dh: It is up to you.

Me: I'm leaving the room. It doesn't effect me.

Dh: Well what would you do if I wasn't here?

Me: I would turn the lights off since I always turn them off when I leave an empty room. You know save electricity.

Dh: you can turn them off. I suppose I don't need them on anymore.

......

 

 

He has gotten much better over the years. It took him almost a decade to usually believe me when I ask for his opinion.

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Is this it? http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/19970419/97_0419WOBEGONICS.htm

 

Not the audio but very funny

 

Oh wait the audio might be there too....but I can't open it on my IPad.

I LOVE YOU for finding this!!!!!! Thank you! I've searched but never found it!!! 

 

And you HAVE to listen to the audio (it's at the top)...it's so much more funny when you hear it. 

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