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So P.O.'d about BIL and funeral arangements JAWM please

Ginevra

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Ginevra

Ginevra

Posted
Posted

So, my MIL is staying with us as many of you know. On Monday, DH's Aunt passed away suddenly. (The relation to MIL is she was FIL's sister. They were best friends throughout their marriages as SILs.) Those cousins are sort of dysfunctionally shy and it seems likely that this is why they sent a message to one of DH's sibs, saying they are having only a tiny, immediate family funeral this Friday, with the Memorial to happen in May. Well, IMO, though I don't prefer this, I would have been satisfied with us all attending the Memorial. But the BIL asked the cousins, begged them, please let Mom come Friday as well. DH and another brother said in email, no, we think it's better for Mom to go to the memorial only, when she will have the support of all the kids and friends there. But Hard-Headed BIL called mom himself (I was eavesdropping) and told her about the dang thing Friday! And then! he sends through an email saying he got the cousins to agree to let Mom come Friday, but that he himself has a meeting Friday and cannot take her!

 

I am so angry over this (though DH is telling me to calm down; it will be okay). A) the funeral is at 9:30am, outside of D.C. - it is freakin' HARD to get her up and ready and presentable so early in the morning and it falls on me and DH; B) it will be totally exhausting for her and she will not have the support of all the family - she will be dropped back off here and we will have to try to patch in some measure of comfort alone; C) I'm SO MAD that BIL arranged it but has no intention of being the one who actually has to carry it out! He also went against what DH and other BIL said and just superceded them himself by calling her and telling her about the funeral. He didn't need to say *anything*! IMO, she would have been better off thinking the Memorial WAS the service, as if that was all of it.

 

I'm just so pissed off at BIL, doing what he is famous for - pursuing exactly what he thinks should happen with no thought whatsoever to who else is affected. DH already had the really awful job of telling his mom about the death and sitting with her as she cried and he does not want to take her Friday for yet another Be The Sole Support event.

 

I'm ranting about it here because I could burn the email down with my flames right now, but it's not my brother, not my aunt, not my mother and not my place. But it IS going to affect me because I will have to wake her up at some crazy hour and prod her along so she has a prayer of being presentable as she sits in Beltway traffic during rush hour. 😡😡😡

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FaithManor

FaithManor

Posted
Posted

Having just been through the family funeral thing, all I can offer are hugs because I did not learn anything sage and wise from the process. What I did learn is that some relatives go freaking nuts when there is a family funeral, and all manner of stupid and illogic comes out of them.

 

My advice is a deep bottle of wine, good chocolate, and when it is over distancing yourself. I have an axe list of relatives for whom I am becoming a ghost. The up side is I also have relatives for whom there is nothing I would not do for them. They are gems. (okay possibly I would not help hide a body...have to think about that. ðŸ˜)

 

I do not know why, but weddings and funerals bring out the crazy. I am becoming of the opinion that we should just stop holding them!

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

Having just been through the family funeral thing, all I can offer are hugs because I did not learn anything sage and wise from the process. What I did learn is that some relatives go freaking nuts when there is a family funeral, and all manner of stupid and illogic comes out of them.

 

My advice is a deep bottle of wine, good chocolate, and when it is over distancing yourself. I have an axe list of relatives for whom I am becoming a ghost. The up side is I also have relatives for whom there is nothing I would not do for them. They are gems. (okay possibly I would not help hide a body...have to think about that. ðŸ˜)

 

I do not know why, but weddings and funerals bring out the crazy. I am becoming of the opinion that we should just stop holding them!

That is the God's truth right there!

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Katy

Katy

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm so sorry.  I'd flat out call and tell him that if he wants her there, HE needs to send someone to wake her up, help her get dressed, drive her there, sit with her, comfort her, and see her safely fed and home afterwards.

 

But then all my relatives are afraid of me, so YMMV.

 

 

ETA:  DH's side tried to push boundaries to the point of utter rudeness the first two times I met them, and I pushed back, hard.  It's not like I've been rude or anything.  It was more like, "Nice try, but I'm not going to fall for that."

Edited by Katy
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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

I don't hold much back. I say go for it and call out your selfish BIL.

Yeah. DH asked me not to. He said he would send an email of the more rational type tonight. He is not taking her; he's set in that. So he plans to say, Whomever wants to come pick her up and take her, knock yourself out. But it ain't gonna be m (or Quill).

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Lang Syne Boardie

Lang Syne Boardie

Posted
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I think it is 100% FINE to commit to not taking her. Being ready to be the support team when she comes home is job enough, as you know...you'll need to rest up, and to prepare to give her undivided attention as she recovers from this outing.

 

DH is right. If they think she should go, they can take her, but neither of you should do it. Although you'll have to be the ones to help her with her sadness and grief, if she feels like nobody cares enough about her to take her...

 

If you manage to abide by DH's wishes and say nothing to BIL, the Ass of the World, you are a saint.

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Guest

Guest

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Do you get to drive as well? I"m sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Are you sure you can't get her to change her mind?

No, I'm not driving her there and DH refuses as well. (She cannot drive herself.) There are six siblings; someone will have to agree to it in order for her to go. DH tells me - don't worry about it. BIL messed it up; BIL can take her himself or solve the problem somehow. But I am a person who feels expectations keenly and in any case, I will have to wake her up and help her get ready to go. Since she is living here for now, there's no helping the fact that I will be getting her up and ready. (I don't schedule *anything* for her before 10:30 at the earliest, anytime I have a choice in the matter. She has two speeds - slow and asleep. I'm not into trying to hurry her for anything avoidable.)

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Lilaclady

Lilaclady

Posted
Posted

DH can call the relatives and apologize profusely for his family's intrusion on their grief, assure them that MIL sends her love, and tell them that she will see them all at the memorial service as they originally requested.

Your DH shouldn't be the one to do this. BIL messed up, he should be the one contacting them and straightening things out.

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Word Nerd

Word Nerd

Posted
Posted (edited)

How frustrating. I'm not sure I get why it's so important to BIL that she go to both services, especially since he won't even be there (or if I misunderstood, he at least won't be available to carry out his railroaded plan). Is he the oldest sibling by any chance? This sounds like something my dad's older brother would do because he seemingly believes he is so much wiser than his siblings.

Edited by Word Nerd
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Guest

Guest

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How frustrating. I'm not sure I get why it's so important to BIL that she go to both services, especially since he won't even be there (or if I misunderstood, he at least won't be available to carry out his railroaded plan). Is he the oldest sibling by any chance? This sounds like something my dad's older brother would do because he seemingly believes he is so much wiser than his siblings.

He's not the oldest. He is younger than my DH. He just has a way about him...kind of acts like he thinks he's Mr. Executive Decision, KWIM? Had he been willing to carry out the main part, I would have less of a problem with it (still not ideal, but at least he would be taking it upon himself to be the comforter and the one driving her), but it makes me crazy that he arranged it all and then is trying to bail on the uncomfortable part.

 

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache and stress is probably why.

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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Posted

He's not the oldest. He is younger than my DH. He just has a way about him...kind of acts like he thinks he's Mr. Executive Decision, KWIM? Had he been willing to carry out the main part, I would have less of a problem with it (still not ideal, but at least he would be taking it upon himself to be the comforter and the one driving her), but it makes me crazy that he arranged it all and then is trying to bail on the uncomfortable part.

 

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache and stress is probably why.

So is anyone taking her?

 

Sorry about your headache. I agree it is stress. I react the same way to that kind of junk.

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Valley Girl

Valley Girl

Posted
Posted

Having just been through the family funeral thing, all I can offer are hugs because I did not learn anything sage and wise from the process. What I did learn is that some relatives go freaking nuts when there is a family funeral, and all manner of stupid and illogic comes out of them.

 

My advice is a deep bottle of wine, good chocolate, and when it is over distancing yourself. I have an axe list of relatives for whom I am becoming a ghost. The up side is I also have relatives for whom there is nothing I would not do for them. They are gems. (okay possibly I would not help hide a body...have to think about that. ðŸ˜)

 

I do not know why, but weddings and funerals bring out the crazy. I am becoming of the opinion that we should just stop holding them!

 

I dunno. Maybe it depends on the body?

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unsinkable

unsinkable

Posted
Posted

He's not the oldest. He is younger than my DH. He just has a way about him...kind of acts like he thinks he's Mr. Executive Decision, KWIM? Had he been willing to carry out the main part, I would have less of a problem with it (still not ideal, but at least he would be taking it upon himself to be the comforter and the one driving her), but it makes me crazy that he arranged it all and then is trying to bail on the uncomfortable part.

 

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache and stress is probably why.

 

I'm sorry about your headache. Would excedrin and a coke/dr. pepper/pepsi help? 

 

I have a male relative who thinks his decisions are always correct and he'll just do what he wants, when he wants to. 

 

At a Roman Catholic funeral Mass, he was doing a reading and he decided that he'd give a eulogy after the reading. That is just not how it works, and he was told not to do it. That the proper time was after Mass was over. He did it anyways.

 

His reasoning was that he was an altar boy when he was a kid so he could do it, it was OK.

 

:svengo:

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Guest

Guest

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So is anyone taking her?

 

Sorry about your headache. I agree it is stress. I react the same way to that kind of junk.

It is not resolved yet. DH is fine with waiting until someone else says, "so, who is taking her?" I don't like this because I'm a planner and would rather have the argument now and get this figured out before late tonight. But it is in DH's hands so I'm just sitting by with too much adrenaline and cortisol and no idea what will happen tomorrow morning.

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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Posted

It is not resolved yet. DH is fine with waiting until someone else says, "so, who is taking her?" I don't like this because I'm a planner and would rather have the argument now and get this figured out before late tonight. But it is in DH's hands so I'm just sitting by with too much adrenaline and cortisol and no idea what will happen tomorrow morning.

Oh I thought it was this morning.

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OneStepAtATime

OneStepAtATime

Posted
Posted

O.k. let me see if I have the scenario clear in my head.

 

1.  MIL's SIL passed away suddenly.

2.  Children of SIL decided to have a tiny, immediate family only funeral this Friday but will have a Memorial service for friends and the rest of the family in May.

3.  One of your BILs (the one they contacted about the funeral and the Memorial) disagreed with their decision and stated he thought his mother should attend, too.  (Does this mean he was thinking that whoever was taking her would drive her all the way there, leave her for however long the service is then go pick her up and drive her home or would whoever was driving her be allowed by the cousins to attend the service, too?)

4.  Your husband and another brother told him flat out it would be a really bad idea and she would be better off going to just the Memorial in May because she would have her children with her to help her through the grieving process as well as help her through the physical act of functioning during a funeral.

5.  Your MIL is extremely slow and needs a LOT of time and prodding to get ready for anything.  To make it to the funeral she will have to be forced to get up far earlier than she normally does and it will be on you to get her going and ready and out the door, which is a herculean effort and hard on her too.

6.  BIL doesn't take his siblings concerns into account at all OR the wishes of his cousins (and it is THEIR mother's funeral) and railroads the cousins into letting his mother attend the funeral this Friday.

7.  He then circumvents his entire family and calls his mother to tell her about the funeral himself to make certain she will be going.

8.  He then lets everyone know that he will be working and unavailable to take her so someone else will have to be responsible for getting her there and back.

 

Am I missing anything?

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Seasider

Seasider

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Posted

ETA: DH's side tried to push boundaries to the point of utter rudeness the first two times I met them, and I pushed back, hard. It's not like I've been rude or anything. It was more like, "Nice try, but I'm not going to fall for that."

Once I hit a certain point in life and gained some insight on certain in-laws, I became the Oh Heck No girl. Not so much push back as simply stand my own ground. It's amazing how irritated that makes some people, refusing to become involved in their antics.

 

Quill, I am so sorry, I would be PO'd, especially that BIL is bailing. Pretty crummy.

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Happy

Happy

Posted
Posted

It is not resolved yet. DH is fine with waiting until someone else says, "so, who is taking her?" I don't like this because I'm a planner and would rather have the argument now and get this figured out before late tonight. But it is in DH's hands so I'm just sitting by with too much adrenaline and cortisol and no idea what will happen tomorrow morning.

They are all probably assuming it's not their problem and that you will be dealing with it.

 

I'm feeling feisty enough this morning to give BIL a relationship ending earful.

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Seasider

Seasider

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Posted

How aware is your MIL? Any chance she will forget and you can remind her that the memorial service is in May?

Excellent point. If she is memory challenged, and hasn't written it down, it probably wouldn't be too difficult to tell her that the funeral really isn't until May. My guess is you're going to have to tell her something anyway when no one actually agrees to transport her (if she even remembers she's supposed to go somewhere without being specifically awakened and dressed for the occasion).

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zoobie

zoobie

Posted
Posted

Your DH shouldn't be the one to do this. BIL messed up, he should be the one contacting them and straightening things out.

Well, yeah, but that type of personality won't. In the meantime, there's a grieving family who could use an apology. It doesn't hurt Quill's DH to make a phone call to show some compassion to his relatives, and to show them that it's not the "family" making these demands.

 

How aware is your MIL? Any chance she will forget and you can remind her that the memorial service is in May?

If she's still fully aware, she would get that BIL "misunderstood" the arrangements.

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

O.k. let me see if I have the scenario clear in my head.

 

1. MIL's SIL passed away suddenly.

2. Children of SIL decided to have a tiny, immediate family only funeral this Friday but will have a Memorial service for friends and the rest of the family in May.

3. One of your BILs (the one they contacted about the funeral and the Memorial) disagreed with their decision and stated he thought his mother should attend, too. (Does this mean he was thinking that whoever was taking her would drive her all the way there, leave her for however long the service is then go pick her up and drive her home or would whoever was driving her be allowed by the cousins to attend the service, too?)

4. Your husband and another brother told him flat out it would be a really bad idea and she would be better off going to just the Memorial in May because she would have her children with her to help her through the grieving process as well as help her through the physical act of functioning during a funeral.

5. Your MIL is extremely slow and needs a LOT of time and prodding to get ready for anything. To make it to the funeral she will have to be forced to get up far earlier than she normally does and it will be on you to get her going and ready and out the door, which is a herculean effort and hard on her too.

6. BIL doesn't take his siblings concerns into account at all OR the wishes of his cousins (and it is THEIR mother's funeral) and railroads the cousins into letting his mother attend the funeral this Friday.

7. He then circumvents his entire family and calls his mother to tell her about the funeral himself to make certain she will be going.

8. He then lets everyone know that he will be working and unavailable to take her so someone else will have to be responsible for getting her there and back.

 

Am I missing anything?

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

That is an excellant summary. A+. You get all the class awards. 😊

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Seasider

Seasider

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Posted

Can you ask dh to agree that if by X time today, no one has called to let you know who will be coming over to get mom ready and transport her, that he will send an email to his sibs simply stating that she will not be attending? Then unplug her phone til tomorrow evening (or block BIL's #)?

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Guest

Guest

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Posted

How aware is your MIL? Any chance she will forget and you can remind her that the memorial service is in May?

She has dementia, but she is pretty aware for something like this. So, there is a good chance she is not thinking, "Okay, so the small funeral thing is *tomorrow morning* and I have to get up early." But, if nothing happens tomorrow morning, she will realize she missed the family funeral at some point, probably by Saturday or Sunday. DH did tell her that the Friday thing is supposed to be for immediate family (he told her this after BIL already spilled the beans). I guess he was trying to brace her in case she doesn't go.

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Guest

Guest

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They are all probably assuming it's not their problem and that you will be dealing with it.

 

I'm feeling feisty enough this morning to give BIL a relationship ending earful.

Yes, that is most assuredly what people are thinking, which is why I have told DH I want him to say he is not doing it and I am not doing it. I want BIL to know it is absolutely crummy for him to "mastermind" he being allowed to go, only to "delegate" the actual job of it to someone else. It's really typical of him to do exactly this. And then he will be pissed off and blaming others (i.e., me, DH) when nobody steps up.

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SproutMamaK

SproutMamaK

Posted
Posted

How would she react if you told her, "There was a misunderstanding, the service is next week. We'll be going with you!" And if she remembers or keeps asking about this one, just say, "Oh, that was a mistake, that's just her children getting together. The service is next week."

And I would tear in to BIL for doing this to her. 

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Guest

Guest

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Posted

Thanks for the awards. :thumbup1:​

 

Your BIL is...special. How kind of him to step in and manipulate everyone else's decisions/lives without taking on any of the responsibility himself. Is he married?

He is married. His wife is pretty special, too.

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Guest

Guest

Posted
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Can you ask dh to agree that if by X time today, no one has called to let you know who will be coming over to get mom ready and transport her, that he will send an email to his sibs simply stating that she will not be attending? Then unplug her phone til tomorrow evening (or block BIL's #)?

He said he will send an email saying he is not taking her and neither am I, by tonight if it hasn't been mentioned. I really don't want to wait that long because I am a ball of stress and could puke any minute now, but I'm just trying to not be involved because it's not my circus.

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Word Nerd

Word Nerd

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Posted

He said he will send an email saying he is not taking her and neither am I, by tonight if it hasn't been mentioned. I really don't want to wait that long because I am a ball of stress and could puke any minute now, but I'm just trying to not be involved because it's not my circus.

 

It may not be your circus, but you're still close enough to the ring to get hit by elephant poo. ;) I'd ask him to send that email now, not wait. It's highly unlikely that anyone is going to bring it up.

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SproutMamaK

SproutMamaK

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's not really fair to the siblings either for him to wait until tonight to bring it up; he knows they're assuming you guys will take them, and he's giving them all as limited time as possible to rearrange their own schedules if they DO want to take her. If one of the siblings DOES want to take her, they may need to talk to their boss or make other arrangements today. It's not really fair of him to toss that in their laps at the last minute. They SHOULDN'T be assuming that you guys will handle it, but you both know that they are. He should at least give them proper opportunity to help if they want to.

Edited by SproutMamaK
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