Teaching kids to prioritize work over play

[blondeviolin]

My oldest is my only kid that I don't struggle with this. I feel like it's taking over my life to constantly call back my kids and remind them to do or fix a chore they did shoddily.

 

For example, this morning the kids woke up and decided they would pull out a board game rather than eat breakfast. We have schedules and routines that we do, but they purposely avoid them because they "just want to have fun."

 

Or this afternoon when they all got up from the table to go jump on the trampoline and I have to remind them to do their chores that we do every meal. THREE TIMES A DAY.

 

I know part of this is childhood, and I usually have grace for this stuff. But I know some remember but just don't do like they know they should. And others genuinely don't remember but when I remind them there is whining.

 

Any good resources or things you've tried? Really I'm just sick of reminding/nagging.

Edited April 26, 2017 by blondeviolin

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think that's an ongoing process.  And I think they don't fully GET that until they are an adult and truly responsible for what goes on in their life (not all kids because some kids are just born responsible I think).  And then some take a REALLY long time to get it even after being an adult.

 

That's all I got.

 

 

[freesia]

I would rather play, too.

 

(But, I do get the frustration. You want the work to just get done! Mentally, I would repeat to myself the line my dh said, "Of course he'd rather play Lego, he's a little boy!"  As for strategies, just consequences.  Like my second grader had to do work during screen time b/c she wouldn't stop playing during spelling. I told her I'd set the timer and whatever wasn't done would be done during screen time.  )

[Ellie]

My oldest is my only kid that I don't struggle with this. I feel like it's taking over my life to constantly call back my kids and remind them to do or fix a chore they did shoddily.

 

For example, this morning the kids woke up and decided they would pull out a board game rather than eat breakfast. We have schedules and routines that we do, but they purposely avoid them because they "just want to have fun."

 

Or this afternoon when they all got up from the table to go jump on the trampoline and I have to remind them to do their chores that we do every meal. THREE TIMES A DAY.

 

I know part of this is childhood, and I usually have grace for this stuff. But I know some remember but just don't do like they know they should. And others genuinely don't remember but when I remind them there is whining.

 

Any good resources or things you've tried? Really I'm just sick of reminding/nagging.

 

Miss Manners says it takes 18 years of constant nagging to rear a well-mannered adult. It is the same with helping children understand that they have to do what they have to do and do it well.

 

It is normal for children to have to be told to do their chores, even if they do the same chores after every meal three times a day. Because children.

 

FTR, in our house, if the dc had whined when I told them to do something, there would have been dire consequences.

[bolt.]

I've gone through seasons of confiscating every object that they touch before they finish their morning routine. I've made rules that they are not allowed in certain rooms (ie play rooms) before morning routine is done. I've limited certain activities to certain times of day.

 

I'm currently distributing small change on a daily basis for routines (including the chore associated with that routine) done by a certain time... combined with small-change "fines" for leaving things around after reminders and/or skipping known chores and needing a reminder.

 

In a variety of ways, some things (ie dessert) always come after other things (ie clearing your place and wiping your placemat). Many things have pneumonics, slogans, songs, lists, visual lists, etc.

 

One of our current skills is "shoulder check" as we leave a room -- pause, put your hand on the doorframe, look back over the room, checking for loose objects, small messes, turn off lights etc.

 

All of the above really require my physical presence, awareness, and consistency -- I can't expect what I don't inspect -- but the structured expectations help the kids really focus on the exact expectations.

 

I also remind them that chores are part of "teamwork" and that they wouldn't really want to be part of a family where one of their loved ones did all the work on behalf of everyone else. I remind them that it's not living by their values because that's not kind or equitable, and also that it offends the person who is doing more than a fair share of work (making that person less likely to do them any favours).

Edited April 26, 2017 by bolt.

[myfunnybunch]

I try to frame it as balance rather than priority. Down time is important too, and following the routines so that we can all (Mom included) enjoy our down time is an important part of working and playing together, and of learning to live life.

 

And yeah, I agree with Ellie that it takes a lot of nagging.

Edited April 26, 2017 by myfunnybunch

[Lucy the Valiant]

Can you have a family pow-wow and institute a short-term challenge / game / etc.?

 

When ours were smaller, I did this with peanut m&m's - filled 4 baby jars with them, and told the kids that every time I had to ask them to do one of their jobs, I'd eat one of the m&m's. At the end of a week (well, 5 days), one kid had lost ONE m&m. It was a REMARKABLE upgrade, and demonstrated both to them AND to me that they were 100% capable of not "forgetting."

 

We now have a (more grown-up) system that rewards initiative, not the actual completion of the chore (in other words, Kid A has to unload the dishwasher, regardless - the part he DOES have control over is his attitude & initiative, so THAT is the part that's rewarded).

 

It's not perfect ('cuz we ain't got no perfect people 'round here), but the little games periodically have really helped pull all of us out of a slump.

[blondeviolin]

We've had spells of good stuff. We really try to focus on positive things. We had an incentive system going for a while that worked involving stars and buying rewards With said stars. And their morning routine has a prize attached after so many mornings of completion. As I'm sure many know, though, the prize/reward only keeps its novelty for so long before apathy melts in and I'm left trying to motivate.

 

And consequences mean I have to hear whining and complaining. I have one kid in particular who can melt into angry bouts because he does not get what he wants (ADHD complicates this). And, very true to any kids, they try to do the job halfway and get annoyed when I call them back. I swear I'm doing the right stuff. I just have no endurance for it today. 🙄

 

So, to piggyback, what's your chosen consequence for whining/complaining?

[bolt.]

I'm ok with complaints -- I say something like, "That's why they are called chores: it's a drag for everyone but it needs to be done. I wish we all lived with (magic fairies) to do this for us too."

 

If I'm exasperated sometimes I lecture. If they are genuinely worn out, sometimes I give a break or a snack before getting us all back to work. Sometimes I even let them off the hook if their fatigue seems legitimate.

 

If issues are ongoing sometimes I work towards a change in the plan, or prepare a more positive and collaborative teaching time to share at a later moment.

 

For whining, I usually ask for another tone of voice in a way that indicates that having to do work is hard enough without one of us making it worse through tone-choices.

Edited April 26, 2017 by bolt.

[amy g.]

I think play is very important for developing the kind of adults I want to have so my opinions are swayed by that.

 

I make sure that they have free time every single day. If an emergency comes up that throws our schedule off, I skip school that day rather than skipping free time. So they aren't really afraid that a day will ever be all work and no play. I make up for this by not taking off school in the summers.

 

Next I focus on making work or chore time as pleasent as possible. Today, we did the math project together. I don't send them to a table with a worksheet. When their bedrooms need to be cleaned, I don't say, "Go clean your room!" We crank up the music and work on it together.

 

If they wanted to play a board game, I would negotiate and say, "How about we play after History if everyone is doing a great job listening?"

 

Today 3 things on my list didn't get accomplished. We didn't do typing or Latin and we were going to scrub one of the upstairs bathrooms together too, but time got away from me.

 

We have one hour before we need to get ready for swim practice so I sent them out to play. Tomorrow we will get Latin and typing done. It maybe Friday until we get that bathroom cleaned and I'm okay with that.

 

My adult kids are known for their uncommon work ethics. I think it is in part due to always having enough time to play and to always seeing chores as something that could be seen as fun rather than drudgery.

[Anne]

I particularly liked Amy's comments/ideas above - that was generally how things worked when my kids were growing up.

 

I will say that at your children's ages - it's really on you to keep reminding and nagging. :-)

 

Finding ways to spice it up with chore charts or incentives or whatever was an ongoing process. I probably a bazillion (okay, slight exaggeration..) different methods to get it done. But at the end of the day, it was on me.

 

Anne

[Garga]

I'd catch them before they're done a job.  It will require some hovering.  At the end of eating, remind them before they get up of the chore.  Try to catch them before the chore is done halfway and remind them to do it the entire way.

 

In fact, I'm going to be spending a great deal of time this summer in cementing the concept of seeing a job all the way through and picking up after oneself immediately.  I don't have the time to hover over them now, but I will in the summer and I'll be hovering and reminding all summer long.  They've gotten better now that they're older, but it still needs to be addressed.

 

ETA: Lists are good, too, of every step in a job.  Then they can't "forget" the last step of a job.  The job is written out with all the steps on a list.  At first, call them back and point to what they missed on the list.  But after a while (like in a month), call them back and say, "Look at the list.  You missed something," and then have them figure out what part of the job they didn't do.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Garga

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited May 7, 2017 by _ -_-

[Moonhawk]

 

I'm currently distributing small change on a daily basis for routines (including the chore associated with that routine) done by a certain time... combined with small-change "fines" for leaving things around after reminders and/or skipping known chores and needing a reminder.

 

I instantly got the image of you walking around the house with one of those coin dispenser belts that people in casinos wear. This is definitely something I could do. The kids may not be any better at chores, but at least I'd look awesome.

[bolt.]

I instantly got the image of you walking around the house with one of those coin dispenser belts that people in casinos wear. This is definitely something I could do. The kids may not be any better at chores, but at least I'd look awesome.

That's awesome! In reality the coins are in a little Tupperware. Here's the fun part: When the coins overhear that they might be earned by a child, the get excited and pretty jumpy. Sometimes they are so wild that the container shakes and jumps right out of my hands! I have to firmly tell to coins to settle down so I can open the container and get them out. (We personify everything. Every. Thing.)

[blondeviolin]

Yeah. We do all of the above. Mostly I'm just exhausted and so my patience is low and I'm trying not to be easily irritable. I haven't yelled so that's good. I was really hoping for a magic solution. I've never known The Hive to fail me like this. 😭

 

I would take a day off but tomorrow is our last day of school (hallelujah!) so I've really felt the push to finish it up since the kids are all so excited. It just hit at a bad time - asthma flare for myself, stomach bug for the younger two, no sleep for Mom and Dad, and junior olympics this weekend for my son (which means he's tired too and easily annoyed).

Edited April 27, 2017 by blondeviolin

[IsabelC]

Er, yes. I don't have any magic solutions that haven't already been mentioned, but I do feel you with this!

My kids are the same. We have had more or less the same daily rhythm every day of their lives for years, and yet they resist... I patiently remind them that if they would get stuck in and do what I ask them to do, which is not all that much, they could have hours of free time afterward. But it seems they would rather waste 2 hours doing a 15 minutes task (with ensuing consequences and me getting grumpy), than get it done in 15 minutes and have the other hour and 45 minutes free. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I'm ok with complaints -- I say something like, "That's why they are called chores: it's a drag for everyone but it needs to be done. I wish we all lived with (magic fairies) to do this for us too."

 

If I'm exasperated sometimes I lecture. If they are genuinely worn out, sometimes I give a break or a snack before getting us all back to work. Sometimes I even let them off the hook if their fatigue seems legitimate.

 

If issues are ongoing sometimes I work towards a change in the plan, or prepare a more positive and collaborative teaching time to share at a later moment.

 

For whining, I usually ask for another tone of voice in a way that indicates that having to do work is hard enough without one of us making it worse through tone-choices.

 

 

This is all good advice.  Allowing a momentary fantasy (If I had a magic wand I'd...) is a technique from How To Talk So Kids Will Listen... that I find very effective, especially with the younger set.  

 

Music almost always improves cheerful compliance in my house as well.  The kids will now regularly ask for "cleaning music" and I just throw on a CD or soundtrack from a movie they like.  Frankly, I'm a much happier cleaner with music as well!  

 

I've read a lot about habits and how to establish them (in adults).  Some of us are more natural habit-formers than others.  My 8yo dd NEVER forgets to clear her place after a meal.  My 10yo forgets almost every time unless he sees his sister do it.  For him, I don't say, "Come clear your place", I say, "You forgot something".  That way, at the very least, he has to figure out what he's forgotten.  

 

I really liked the idea in Laying Down the Rails (Simply Charlotte Mason) on choosing ONE habit to work on for 6 weeks.  Sure, have them do their chores and whatnot, but choose just ONE thing that you want to become habit.  If you want to do a sticker chart or whatever,r make it for just that one item being done without a reminder.  But I abhor sticker charts and everything else that requires more work from me.  So I just give them the old "You forgot something" cue when necessary.  

 

Whining is stamped out here immediately.  Consequences can range from having them leave the room and come back in and repeat the problem in a non whine to piling on extra work for the whiner.  It may also include a non-aggressive discussion from me about how people perceive whiny people, whether or not they enjoy listening to whining, and how to go about complaining legitimately without whine.  

 

Also, I drink wine.  

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Oh, you are probably already doing this, but I would really prioritize the habits and routine behaviors in the oldest 2-3 kids.  I find my two little ones are happy to "tag along" if the big two are on task.  I admit to giving no priority for the please/thank you thing for YEARS.  Well, I got a bee in my bonnet about it around Christmas, and we went hardcore polite words for 6 weeks.  Now ALL my kids, including the 2yo remember their pleases and thank yous.  In fact, the 2yo may be the best at it, because he was so happy to mimic the bigger ones.  

[Mom-ninja.]

When I figure out how to make myself prioritize work over play then I will be able to teach it to my children. But that would be work.... 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah really I don't necessarily prioritize work over play. I'm playing right now knowing I've got plenty of work to do.  But there is always work to do and it's not going anywhere and I don't want to JUST work all the time.

 

 

[SKL]

I have to say it is partly personality.  I'm 50 and I still have a really hard time prioritizing.  And I'm not what you'd call an irresponsible person.

 

It could also be the time of year, at least if you live in a climate like ours.  It's turning summer-ish outside and I can understand how the mind just wants to bathe in it.  What you describe in your OP sounds exactly like my childhood summer vacations.  :)

 

That said, I'm sure there are carrots-and-sticks you could set up, depending on your kids' individual personalities.  I have one who will put her work first if she believes she'll be set free afterwards.  Of course that only works if I discipline myself not to change things up on her as she works toward her goal.  My other kid is much less self-disciplined.  I have to bark at her a lot to get her to stay on track.  Haven't yet found the thing that will motivate her to put work first, or to do her best job.  She is generally obedient, but at some point she needs to self-regulate ....  Then again, I know some adults like that, so ....

[wintermom]

For the ages of your dc, play is their "work."   Is there any way you can incorporate some fun into their chores so that you are happy with what they do, and they are doing what comes natural to most children?  Either that, or train them up gradually and perhaps alter your expectations so you don't drive yourself insane.  Self-preservation of a tired mom is the key here. ;) 

 

We've had some success (short-term only, as these kinds of things generally are) with check lists for the basic chores. The kids check off their duty when they finish. The list is up on the white board in the kitchen. Mostly, it means that the kids are doing more of the reminding each other about finishing their chores, and I don't have to as much. They still need those reminders. 

[DawnM]

I have an Aspie who shuts down and won't do anything if he is frustrated or upset.

I have an ADD kid who is constantly saying, "You didn't tell me!" even if we did.

 

So.......I have dealt with years and years of frustration over this.  Both boys are now late teens and SO MUCH BETTER, but there were many years in there I was sure they would never do what I needed them to dot.

[blondeviolin]

I have an Aspie who shuts down and won't do anything if he is frustrated or upset.

I have an ADD kid who is constantly saying, "You didn't tell me!" even if we did.

 

So.......I have dealt with years and years of frustration over this. Both boys are now late teens and SO MUCH BETTER, but there were many years in there I was sure they would never do what I needed them to dot.

My 7yo EVERY MINUTE: "That doesn't make any sense!"

 

Ergh!!!

 

My kids do get a ton of playtime. During the school year, we finish our stuff by lunchtime and they play the rest of the afternoon.

 

Their summers basically mean they have to do ONE chore and some reading before they are set loose in the neighborhood (that's crawling with friends). They kick back in for a sandwich or whatever and then head right back out. I take my littles out front and watch some of their crazy antics. Water play, bike riding, roller blades, lemonade stands, trampolines, etc. It's exactly why we don't school year round because they are outside literally all day.

 

This is why I've declared we are done for the year after this week. We'll catch what we missed during their review hour in the mornings this summer and whatever else we don't get to we'll complete next year. I'm just DONE.

[DawnM]

My 7yo EVERY MINUTE: "That doesn't make any sense!"

 

Ergh!!!

 

My kids do get a ton of playtime. During the school year, we finish our stuff by lunchtime and they play the rest of the afternoon.

 

Their summers basically mean they have to do ONE chore and some reading before they are set loose in the neighborhood (that's crawling with friends). They kick back in for a sandwich or whatever and then head right back out. I take my littles out front and watch some of their crazy antics. Water play, bike riding, roller blades, lemonade stands, trampolines, etc. It's exactly why we don't school year round because they are outside literally all day.

 

This is why I've declared we are done for the year after this week. We'll catch what we missed during their review hour in the mornings this summer and whatever else we don't get to we'll complete next year. I'm just DONE.

 

 

If it helps at all.......my son never finished a workbook or full year of anything.  I would get so frustrated I would just quit for the year.

 

And he is now at the local Community College and so far has all A's.  

[SereneHome]

I was going to have a very very similar OP. 

[kbutton]

Oh, you are probably already doing this, but I would really prioritize the habits and routine behaviors in the oldest 2-3 kids.  I find my two little ones are happy to "tag along" if the big two are on task.  I admit to giving no priority for the please/thank you thing for YEARS.  Well, I got a bee in my bonnet about it around Christmas, and we went hardcore polite words for 6 weeks.  Now ALL my kids, including the 2yo remember their pleases and thank yous.  In fact, the 2yo may be the best at it, because he was so happy to mimic the bigger ones.  

 

I don't have quite this magic, but my older son, who has ASD and ADHD is maturing rapidly and motivated to do well. He's also getting jobs in the neighborhood and such because he's proven to be reliable. Anyway, my younger one is noticing those things and noticing that his parents are very happy when things go well. That has motivated him to sit up and take notice. So yeah, work on the older ones, and it probably will help, though it might not be automatic or in the way you expect!

 

I have an Aspie who shuts down and won't do anything if he is frustrated or upset.

I have an ADD kid who is constantly saying, "You didn't tell me!" even if we did.

 

So.......I have dealt with years and years of frustration over this.  Both boys are now late teens and SO MUCH BETTER, but there were many years in there I was sure they would never do what I needed them to dot.

 

Both my kids have exceptionalities, and this true, true, true!

 

I went to a day-long training session for parents and professionals about executive functioning, and I have two book to recommend. We used principles from the books in class, and then a friend and I are actually brainstorming ways to use them with our kids. (So yeah, recommend brainstorming with a SYMPATHETIC friend too--they might "get" something about your kid you don't, and vice versa.) 

https://www.amazon.com/Executive-Skills-Children-Adolescents-Second/dp/1606235710

IIRC correctly, the first book actually has a rubric for helping you figure out how easy or hard some things are for your child, which is just awesome. It helps you figure out if the skill is mastered, emerging, etc. I think it's four categories. We often see Works or Doesn't Work and not a lot of nuance.

https://www.amazon.com/FLIPP-Switch-Strengthen-Executive-Function/dp/1942197012/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1493485629&sr=1-1&keywords=FLIPP

This second book is one that I recognize as being something that would really help my son, but I don't "get" how to use it. I can see it's exactly what is needed, but it makes no sense with my brain. My friend immediately knew where it would help him. 

 

So, consider the books if you think they'd help, and then find a good friend to troubleshoot, lol!