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Am I doing the right thing? (Horse euthanasia)

StaceyinLA

By StaceyinLA,
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StaceyinLA

StaceyinLA

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We have an old horse (nearly 30) that we have had for 15 years. A year ago we considered putting her down because she had gotten pretty poor and had a lot of arthritic pain that wasn't relieved with supplements. We wound up changing and upping her feed, and saw some weight gain, then we put her on a low dose of bute twice a day for pain and that really seemed to help her (she went from not being able to stand herself up alone after laying down to doing it with very little struggle).

 

I was worried for the winter because I knew it would be hard on her but it wasn't because we didn't really have one, so she managed to make it through with no real issues other than her daily struggles with arthritis and aging.

 

Fast forward to this week. She's been dragging her back feet when walking for a while (she can't bend her back "knees" because her joints are basically a huge, fused mass - though the vet says they likely don't bother her), and her hooves are pretty worn because of it; it also makes her stumble if her foot hits something like a stick or small dip in the pasture. I've been concerned that she would fall. Well coming out of her stall a few days ago, she did stumble and fall sideways, thankfully being caught by the stall gate next to her that happened to be propped open. It made me realize that this could become an emergent situation if she would fall and break something, not to mention the pain she would be in until our vet could arrive.

 

This, coupled with her beginning to have some weight loss again, and knowing the bute is gradually gonna destroy her stomach lining, led me to the decision to have her put down. We are leaving town this coming weekend for a week and I'm so fearful something will happen to her while my sister is taking care of her. Since no one will be here all day, if she had a fall, she could be there for hours before being found.

 

All that leads up to the fact that tomorrow we are having her euthanized. It is all that leads up to the fact that tomorrow we are having her euthanized.

 

It is killing me. I see her out there eating grass, ears perking up when she hears me coming to feed her or give her a treat, and it tears me up. Of course if she walks to the barn she's dragging her feet and stumbling here and there, but I hate looking out there and knowing she won't be here this time tomorrow. I just came in from out there and I just laid my head on her back and smelled her and cried my eyes out.

 

How do I get through this and am I doing the right thing?

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bzymom

bzymom

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I am so sorryðŸ™.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. As difficult as it is to put her down, it would be awful to wait too long and have her down in pain. The stumbling would really shake me.

 

She is lucky to have landed with your family and so much love.

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umsami

umsami

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I think, as difficult as it is, you are doing the compassionate thing for her.  I also don't think that a good, large animal vet would support euthanasia if it wasn't the right choice.  

 

Sounds like she got an additional year with you, and fifteen years of being well cared for.  From what I recall, 30 is pretty old for a horse as it is.  I don't think she would have made it that long if she hadn't been so well cared for and loved.

 

:grouphug:

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kiana

kiana

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I really think you're better off doing it while she's still relatively comfortable than waiting a few more months until she's suffered and then doing it.

 

I'm sorry. It's a rough decision. We recently had to do it for a couple of cows that I really liked but they were just aging and probably not going to make it through another winter :/

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Guest

Guest

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Oh man, I'm sorry she's taken a turn again :(. I too think this is the right call, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like crazy. She's a huge part of your life and you've done right by her in giving this so much thought and care already.

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Liz CA

Liz CA

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Since horses have such an ability to connect with us it is very difficult to let them go. I remember how hard it was to let my gelding go who had cancer. We really knew it was the best and only choice but it was still incredibly hard. Here is this large, trusting animal who I led up to the vet who administered his last shot. For a long time I felt like I led him to his death. This is not true in the real context of course but I understand your hesitation and your dread.

 

You have good judgment about this. There will perhaps be relief along with the pain of losing her.  :grouphug:

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MercyA

MercyA

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It is so hard. It is never as clear-cut as we would like it to be, but better a little early than a little late (and I'm not saying it is too early). Many people regret waiting too long. I know I do.

 

It sounds like you have made your decision out of the greatest of love and concern for her.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: and prayers. 

 

"In [the Lord's] hand is the soul of every living thing..." Job 12:10

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StaceyinLA

StaceyinLA

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Thank you all for the kind words. The stumbling is what gets me too because the thought of her having a fall and being down suffering is what led me to ultimately make the decision. And yeah, we can keep her a little more comfortable by upping the bute, but that just tears up the stomach more quickly, which would cause suffering in that way. In fact, the weight loss starting again could be because she isn't digesting as well from tummy damage from the bute. We've been keeping the dose as low as we can while still giving her enough to keep her comfortable and able to get herself up if she does lay down.

 

It's just the most difficult thing ever because she's still very alert and aware, but her body is just giving out. I hate that she was likely pushed too hard for too long as a timed event horse before we got her and that's what has done such a huge amount of damage to her joints. The vet said it's like nothing she's ever seen.

 

All I know is my daughter grew up with this mare, and it's kinda like saying goodbye to all of that; just breaks my heart. :(

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Selkie

Selkie

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I'm sorry, I know it is so very hard. You are doing the right thing for her. You have given her a wonderful life and you're making sure she doesn't suffer, and that is the kindest and most compassionate thing you can do.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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creekland

creekland

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I hate these times when they come, but yes, you're right.  My heart goes out to you for the hole that will be created and the "what ifs" that you will think about.  I haven't found a way to end those.  Your horse was lucky to have found you.  You've given her a great retirement home long after many would have.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Guest

Guest

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Yes, you are doing the right thing, and today will be a very, very difficult day for you and your family. Think of it this way: in the wild, this horse would have naturally died long ago. You were able to be its guardian and give it years of extra life and love. But now the time has come to do the compassionate thing. You aren't shortening its life; you've already extended it. It hurts, I know. I'm sorry for your grief. Sometimes love hurts, and this is one of those times.

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Guest

Guest

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Another thought:

 

We had to have our dog put down less than a month ago. This was the dog we had before three of my kids left home for college. So in a way, it was like letting go of those kids' childhood. It was difficult in that regard, so I understand what you're saying about the relationship between letting go of the animal and letting go of the kids. It's hard.

 

Also, my dog was very alert and playful to the very end. That was undoubtedly the hardest part about letting her go. She was snapping at flies at the euthanasia appointment! She was completely aware of her surroundings too. But her body was in a state of paralysis from the neck down. We had no other choice. It was heartbreaking.

 

So all that to say, I understand the pain of the loss you're going through today. And I'm so sorry.

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JoJosMom

JoJosMom

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I am so sorry, but you are doing the right thing.

 

We have an old gelding who was my daughter's first lesson horse.  He is a quirky and charming old guy who lights up when he sees her.  He even licks her all over, much like a dog will "groom" a person!  Where we live we have a real winter, though, so I now have to evaluate every fall whether to risk the winter.  My biggest concern is a fall on the ice.  If a horse goes down with the back legs splayed, there is a risk of a broken pelvis.  We live quite rurally so, if that were to happen, a vet might be hours away and I'd be faced with the choice of letting him suffer or shooting him myself.  In essence, one day I will need to choose to have put down a good old friend when it doesn't yet need to be done in order to prevent him suffering badly. It's not a choice I'm looking forward to. :sad:

 

I think you have been-and are being- a wonderful guardian for your horse. You have obviously taken wonderful care of her and loved her.  I'm really sorry that you are facing this, but I think you are being very brave. :grouphug:

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StaceyinLA

StaceyinLA

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So of course this morning she is extra perky and looks great. It makes me question whether I'm doing the right thing, although I suppose I should be glad her last day on earth is one where she feels good, and can graze in the perfect weather.

 

I've upped her bute the last few days to make her more comfortable since I didn't have to worry about long-term effects of the larger dose, so I know in my heart she's likely better because of that, but that it wouldn't be able to continue without quickly affecting her in other ways. It's just difficult to see her looking so good and feeling a bit better, but know her hours are short.

 

WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!?! :(

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unsinkable

unsinkable

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So of course this morning she is extra perky and looks great. It makes me question whether I'm doing the right thing, although I suppose I should be glad her last day on earth is one where she feels good, and can graze in the perfect weather.

 

I've upped her bute the last few days to make her more comfortable since I didn't have to worry about long-term effects of the larger dose, so I know in my heart she's likely better because of that, but that it wouldn't be able to continue without quickly affecting her in other ways. It's just difficult to see her looking so good and feeling a bit better, but know her hours are short.

 

WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!?! :(

 

Because you love her and you have a heart.

 

Both wonderful things but it makes this so very very hard

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Dynamite5

Dynamite5

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So of course this morning she is extra perky and looks great. It makes me question whether I'm doing the right thing, although I suppose I should be glad her last day on earth is one where she feels good, and can graze in the perfect weather.

 

I've upped her bute the last few days to make her more comfortable since I didn't have to worry about long-term effects of the larger dose, so I know in my heart she's likely better because of that, but that it wouldn't be able to continue without quickly affecting her in other ways. It's just difficult to see her looking so good and feeling a bit better, but know her hours are short.

 

WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!?! :(

I grew up with horses and have faced this before. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Here's something that helped me feel better. A sweet vet told me that animals live in the moment. Not for tomorrow, not for 3 weeks from now, but for now. Having her last moments be ones of relative ease and sunshine is perfect, actually, not worse than if she was suffering. She knows she's loved and cared for and you know, too. Give her the gift of less suffering and know that, in the end, this was the best thing.  Hugs to you and your family as you grieve for her.

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StaceyinLA

StaceyinLA

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I grew up with horses and have faced this before. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Here's something that helped me feel better. A sweet vet told me that animals live in the moment. Not for tomorrow, not for 3 weeks from now, but for now. Having her last moments be ones of relative ease and sunshine is perfect, actually, not worse than if she was suffering. She knows she's loved and cared for and you know, too. Give her the gift of less suffering and know that, in the end, this was the best thing. Hugs to you and your family as you grieve for her.

Thank you for that. I know you're right, and I certainly am thankful her last hours will be grazing happily in the sunshine with a cool breeze blowing. Really cold weather and really hot weather both affect her greatly, so 75 degrees and breezy is about as perfect as it could get.

 

For her, I know doing it before her suffering gets worse is better. For me, it just makes me question whether it is right. Of course my head knows it's best for her to leave this earth before she is suffering, and I would never want to see her suffering, but my heart is struggling.

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creekland

creekland

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Thank you for that. I know you're right, and I certainly am thankful her last hours will be grazing happily in the sunshine with a cool breeze blowing. Really cold weather and really hot weather both affect her greatly, so 75 degrees and breezy is about as perfect as it could get.

 

For her, I know doing it before her suffering gets worse is better. For me, it just makes me question whether it is right. Of course my head knows it's best for her to leave this earth before she is suffering, and I would never want to see her suffering, but my heart is struggling.

 

Whatever you choose (now or a month from now or whenever), I'll support you.  I know how difficult these decisions are.  We always wish we had a crystal ball to look into the future before having to make them, but we don't.  Best wishes to you - and many  :grouphug: .  It's definitely an "easier" hard decision when it's 100% clearcut.

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StaceyinLA

StaceyinLA

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The vet will be here in an hour. I just came in from taking some pictures of her and giving her some treats. I am having so much anxiety and panic right now that I just poured myself a beer.

 

I really feel like I am doing the best thing to protect her from further suffering, but it's killing me.

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Guest

Guest

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I grew up with horses and have faced this before. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Here's something that helped me feel better. A sweet vet told me that animals live in the moment. Not for tomorrow, not for 3 weeks from now, but for now. Having her last moments be ones of relative ease and sunshine is perfect, actually, not worse than if she was suffering. She knows she's loved and cared for and you know, too. Give her the gift of less suffering and know that, in the end, this was the best thing. Hugs to you and your family as you grieve for her.

That's really beautiful and true.

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StaceyinLA

StaceyinLA

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Well, it's over. That was honestly one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. My heart is truly broken.

 

I definitely do feel some relief; the anticipation was so awful. The vet reassured me that this was absolutely for the best, as if we were truly going to keep her comfortable, the meds would just tear her up (if they weren't already). She was unable to bend her rear legs at all, so I do have some comfort that her pain has ended.

 

Our little mini horse out there whinnying and sniffing all over for her is not making it easy. I feel so sad for her too. :(

 

Thank you all for the kind words, thoughts and prayers.

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Isabella

Isabella

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I'm so sorry for you all on the loss of your longtime companion. Big hugs.

 

It was ABSOLUtely the right thing to do for her, and I would consider it perfect if she was having a great day. You know most of her days were not, so a good day doesn't change the fact that she is, and would have continued to get more uncomfortable.

 

Such a difficult thing to do, so hugs again, and I hope you can look back on your photos and memories and celebrate the lovely times you've all had with her.

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StaceyinLA

StaceyinLA

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Thank you again everyone. It was so strange to go out there this morning and her not be there. Our poor little mini horse is still wandering around aimlessly and it makes me so sad, but I do have a sense of relief today, knowing I no longer have to struggle with the decision.

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Reefgazer

Reefgazer

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If your gut tells you that you are doing the right thing, then you are. You don't really have any good choices, so you have to make the difficult, least-bad choice, which makes it so hard. I'm sorry about the loss of your horse.

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