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Perspective needed


Scarlett
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Ah, but you do have a father.  He wasn't great at it (okay, tbh it sounds like he really royally sucked at it), but he was your father.  You don't need a different one if you don't want one.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be legally who you are to yourself in reality- a woman who has a father who was kind of crap and a stepfather who was kind and supportive.

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For example... if your mom passes away before her husband, should she will all of her estate to him (so that he doesn't lose his home) and none-or-little to you? If so, it becomes his, and if he has no legal relationship to you, his descendants would certainly not expect to split his assets with you when he passes -- even though some of "his" assets were from your mother. This effectively leaves you with in a scenario of no inheritance from her. She probably doesn't want that. Then, maybe (they think) to avoid that scenario they should decide that you get some of your mom's estate directly (if she passes first). That sounds fair, but would result in her husband losing his whole life immediately upon losing his beloved wife (because the assets (house) would have to be liquified and divided). So that's not great either...

 

I can see why a legal adoption of you by him would clear things up a little, without there being any sentiment involved. (And that's just one of many possibilities and hiccups.)

legally, anyone can leave anything to anyone. My MIL tells me that she has left all her money to an exgirlfriend of my husbands because she prefers her. That is perfectly legal.
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I'm glad it was resolved. I was younger when I lost my mum but was fiercely resentful if anyone tried to take her role. So I kind of understand your response a bit.

Oh I don't think it is resolved. *I* am resolved but I dread how hurt my step dad is and I think my mom will be a little mad. She always gets mad when step dad is hurt.

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You express your complicated emotions so eloquently and clearly in post 9. I think if you could just put that into a letter into your parents, they'd likely be able to understand. What you wrote is sad and beautiful and strong. Save it somewhere. (((hugs)))

Thank you that means a lot.

Edited by Scarlett
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legally, anyone can leave anything to anyone. My MIL tells me that she has left all her money to an exgirlfriend of my husbands because she prefers her. That is perfectly legal.

Yes, it's legal -- but if a blood relation challenges the will, it's very likely to take years to go through the court system, and could cost more than anyone would have inherited anyways. I don't mean that it's impossible or illegal, just that it's complex and often hurtful in the end.
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legally, anyone can leave anything to anyone. My MIL tells me that she has left all her money to an exgirlfriend of my husbands because she prefers her. That is perfectly legal.

Dang, she sounds horrid.

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Probably not an issue in this case, but in NL the inheritance tax rate is different depending on your relationship to the deceased. So, when my parents updated their will, they even put in some sort of clause where after they die my brother and I get about half each, and if my brother dies while he's still unmarried/without kids, whatever money is left from his part of the inheritance reverts back to my parents and then gets passed on to me that way, because the parent/child inheritance tax rate is lower than the sibling inheritance tax rate. It sounded really weird to me, but w/e... My point is that sometimes inheritance tax law is wacky. 

 

(I'm surprised they decided to set up something like that since they don't have much money, but I think my dad was kind of pissed off at the Dutch version of the IRS at the time, so...)

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was that passive aggressive? I don't know how I'd take that. But maybe they just didn't want to talk about it so just wrote that to acknowledge you had messaged them.

 

It took over an hour to respond....a long time for mom. But I think it was just an acknowledgment. The next morning she texted hi to me and a couple of lines of chit chat. So it is probably fine. In a few weeks I am going to spend a week with them while she recovers from surgery..

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