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Not to stir up the mess again, but I started thinking......(aka: meeting up with a coworker of the opposite gender thread)


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What's with the ads?

#51 heartlikealion

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 12:14 AM

I'm going to reply here again since I got so many responses lol.

 

I am trying to take more time for me. I have started taking a medication to deal with depression and some other things. I decided to follow up on one job that I thought I missed out on. Last time I checked they just knew that interviews were being conducted. I felt that I must not be a candidate since I never got an email alert. But today I called to check and they asked me on the spot to come in Monday to speak with them. So I'd say that's an interview! The other pending job they never replied to me when I asked if it was filled.

 

I did spoil myself a bit when I went Easter shopping. I left the kids at home with dh and spent my time hunting for church clothes but also let myself buy a few other items I wanted. Then today while out with the family I told dh about this store that had something in the window I wanted to check out. It was mostly curiosity, I didn't think it would be in the budget. It was actually on sale but didn't fit. While I was there the sales lady talked me into trying on some other outfits. I knew now wasn't the best time to blow money on a dress because dh is losing some money in his job soon and I don't know if I'll even land a job, but he told me it looked nice and encouraged me to get it. I did. I do have a part time job for a few shifts coming up but those shifts are few and far between at the campus bookstore making min. wage (they only need extra help when students are buying or reselling textbooks). If nothing else it will probably cover my dress Lol. I also got a haircut last week :)

 

I don't feel that down about myself per se, but just frustrated at my flexibility with so much of my life revolving around dh's work schedule. Nothing is close to where I live so it's hard to join anything. Before dd was born I tried Bible study but dh worked those nights so I had to drag ds and it was awful. I quit going. For a while I would drive to another church to work with foreign students learning English. I enjoyed it, but it was too much gas money and sometimes I was too exhausted to drive. It's 30 min. from here. The other night I left the family at home to see my Natural Family Planning teacher and I used that as an excuse to go out on my own. I bought that cart at Target that I posted in another thread lol. I had to talk dh out of coming along with the kids because it would rush my evening with their bedtimes. We only have one car and live in a rural area so I have to think twice about wear and tear and gas but if I get a job I think we'll get the second vehicle then.


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#52 DawnM

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 05:42 AM

I'm not a Christian, but it seems to me that God can't help when a husband has hardened his heart and has no interest in changing behavior that is damaging his relationship with his own wife and mother of his child(ren). 

 

I won't post anymore on this (to avoid de-railing anymore than I have), but *hugs* to you. You're in between a rock and a hard place and need to take care of yourself. These types of situations all too often don't end well. (sorry, not trying to knock you down any further, just hoping you realize you do need to put you first)

 

 

I don't mind.....really.  These things should be discussed.

 

If I were in some of the situations posted, we would be having a very different conversation.  


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#53 ktgrok

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 12:03 PM

My first husband accused me of being insanely jealous all of the time.  Turns out I wasn't. 

 

Same here. 


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#54 ktgrok

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 12:04 PM

Also, one of the biggest most helpful marriage tips I've gotten over the years (From the Marriage Builders books and website) is that most of your best times should be with your spouse. If all of your fun stuff is with coworkers/friends and your crappy clean the house/sick kids/bill paying is with your spouse, you are setting yourself up for an affair, or at least to "fall out of love". 

 

I think this is hugely true and really guard against it. Maybe if you can't convince him to stop doing those other things he needs to START doing fun stuff with you?


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#55 ktgrok

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 12:14 PM

I hear you about being stuck working around your husband's schedule.....there are things I'd like to do but it's too hard with his schedule. I'd encourage you though to consider hiring a babysitter, and even taking an Uber, when you can. 


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#56 A Red Color

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 02:15 PM

Also, one of the biggest most helpful marriage tips I've gotten over the years (From the Marriage Builders books and website) is that most of your best times should be with your spouse. If all of your fun stuff is with coworkers/friends and your crappy clean the house/sick kids/bill paying is with your spouse, you are setting yourself up for an affair, or at least to "fall out of love".

I think this is hugely true and really guard against it. Maybe if you can't convince him to stop doing those other things he needs to START doing fun stuff with you?


I agree. They go a little overboard on the boards but the concept is solid. The more fun times you spend with someone the more you bond to them. And the person you most want to bond to (should be) your mate.
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#57 A Red Color

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 02:16 PM

I hear you about being stuck working around your husband's schedule.....there are things I'd like to do but it's too hard with his schedule. I'd encourage you though to consider hiring a babysitter, and even taking an Uber, when you can.


I think she said they are rural so Uber is probably not an option. I would make a second car a top priority.
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#58 heartlikealion

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 05:43 PM

Yeah, don't think we have uber around here.

 

Liking posts but not the circumstances behind some of them.

 

I like the "spend more fun times together" advice. That makes total sense. With feedback from this thread I did talk to him more about my feelings. I basically told him even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to him, he should ask himself, "would this bother my wife?" and we had a chat about cell phone usage. He reads and responds to work related emails at night and on weekends and I said that they should get the hint if you don't reply during your off hours.

 

He's in walking distance from home so the fact that he's not coming home for meals sometimes and eating with other people is extra offensive when it's happening so often. We do care about the students but sometimes those boundaries get blurry, too. Just now he asked if he should invite a female college student we know (she's tutored ds before) over for dinner because they lost power in their dorm room. I can see valid response to that on either end, but he needs to stop making everyone else's problems ours to fix. I don't think he's a bad guy, but I do think sometimes his priorities are way different than mine. We did agree we need to try a date night soon and hopefully make it a recurring thing. Also asked him to please find a counselor in his ins. network so we can figure out the sitter stuff for that, too.


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#59 A Red Color

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 07:17 PM

Yeah, don't think we have uber around here.

Liking posts but not the circumstances behind some of them.

I like the "spend more fun times together" advice. That makes total sense. With feedback from this thread I did talk to him more about my feelings. I basically told him even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to him, he should ask himself, "would this bother my wife?" and we had a chat about cell phone usage. He reads and responds to work related emails at night and on weekends and I said that they should get the hint if you don't reply during your off hours.

He's in walking distance from home so the fact that he's not coming home for meals sometimes and eating with other people is extra offensive when it's happening so often. We do care about the students but sometimes those boundaries get blurry, too. Just now he asked if he should invite a female college student we know (she's tutored ds before) over for dinner because they lost power in their dorm room. I can see valid response to that on either end, but he needs to stop making everyone else's problems ours to fix. I don't think he's a bad guy, but I do think sometimes his priorities are way different than mine. We did agree we need to try a date night soon and hopefully make it a recurring thing. Also asked him to please find a counselor in his ins. network so we can figure out the sitter stuff for that, too.


His response is encouraging.

I have a husband who also likes to fix everything for everyone. Although my complaint is never about other women....because he is VERY cautious about that....I do sometimes get annoyed that our life is last...but then I feel bad because I am complaining about a selfless man. Sometimes though I just put my foot down in the sense that I say This is not good for our family....and he listens. It is an on going struggle though so I do understand how your Dh probably is.

I am glad you are finding ways to speak up.
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#60 Quill

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 08:20 PM

That's not ok. I know you've replied further and you don't need piling on, but it's ok to speak up about it (again). Dh runs way faster than I do and yet he manages to run at my pace when we run. He's even run multiple races with me where he was more pacer than racer.

The faster person needs to slow down. It's common courtesy when you walk or run with another person and has nothing to do with being married people and everything to do with being fellow humans. That sucks and it's definitely more going on than just him going out to lunch. It doesn't even have to be "cheating" going on. It's just a lack of respect for a partner in life. You deserve more respect.


ITA. There's also a much deeper fact about rapport that has to do with matching pace with another person. If my DH would be unwilling to match my pace, and even to where he is arranging to exercise with other people because he claims their pace matches, I would see that as a very ominous sign. i'm sorry. I don't want to make this That Thread About Heartlikealion's Jackass Husband. But holy cow.

When people are in rapport with another person, they reflect the other person subconsciously, if not consciously. They walk in unison, they breath in rhythm, their posture and gestures are harmonious. To intentionally be unwilling to pace with another person means "I don't want to be in sync with you." I would seriously be concerned if DH wanted to exercise walk with other women because he can't be bothered to care about matching my pace.
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#61 marbel

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 09:12 PM

ITA. There's also a much deeper fact about rapport that has to do with matching pace with another person. If my DH would be unwilling to match my pace, and even to where he is arranging to exercise with other people because he claims their pace matches, I would see that as a very ominous sign. i'm sorry. I don't want to make this That Thread About Heartlikealion's Jackass Husband. But holy cow.

When people are in rapport with another person, they reflect the other person subconsciously, if not consciously. They walk in unison, they breath in rhythm, their posture and gestures are harmonious. To intentionally be unwilling to pace with another person means "I don't want to be in sync with you." I would seriously be concerned if DH wanted to exercise walk with other women because he can't be bothered to care about matching my pace.

 

I'm wondering about the pace-matching thing if a person is walking or running for exercise.

 

When my husband and I walk after dinner, we are walking for companionship.  We match our paces then.  But when I want to walk for exercise, I walk alone - his pace is too slow and he can't walk too far (because of arthritis starting in his foot) and I don't actually get enough exercise if we walk together.  I need the exercise!  (For exercise, he swims at the Y at lunchtime during the week.  I don't swim.)

 

So, I don't know, I don't see it as an ominous sign if the faster person doesn't slow to the pace of the slower person, if the object is exercise.  I could even see someone joining a running or walking club or group in order to get exercise.

 

Now, I would never go walking with other men (outside of an organized group or a class) because my husband couldn't keep up with me.  I walk alone with my audiobook. I would not want my husband to meet up with women at the Y to swim laps with him!  So there is a difference there. But if someone judged the health of my marriage solely by the fact that I don't want to walk with my husband when I'm walking for exercise... they would be very wrong.  


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#62 Word Nerd

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 09:19 PM

Did you miss the part where they don't even sit together when they see a movie because of similar issues? Not to mention the other stuff. It's not just about the walking.

Edited by Word Nerd, 22 April 2017 - 09:21 PM.

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#63 heartlikealion

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 09:52 PM

We don't sit together in theaters because he needs the leg space and he's in real discomfort sitting in most rows. The row he likes is too close for me. It has a bar instead of seats in front of it and more room to stretch. I have sucked it up and sat there but it's not eye level and while it's not the front row, it's just way too close for me. And he has sucked it up and sat with me before but was in great pain not able to stretch his legs. He usually goes to movies with ds now though he would like us to go together. On a rare occasion I will go to the theater alone since no one in my family wants to sit where I do, anyway. And I don't sit in a weird place! I sit above middle but not in nosebleed.

 

Yes I think the main pacing issue was exercise. When I brought up the topic this weekend he said that he didn't walk with her at her pace the entire time, just part of it. But still. Anyway, she's not one of the moms with a kid and he said he doesn't have to do the baby walking thing this summer. He said he didn't set anything in stone (which was not the impression I was under before). I really don't think there's anything going on there but he's always suggesting things that make me go, "??" like today saying he should invite the moms to ds' party this summer to be polite. They both have kids near dd's age. I was like so??? The party is for ds, you are under no obligation to invite them.


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#64 Catwoman

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 09:56 PM

Not for anything, but your dh sure seems to care an awful lot about other women's feelings and comfort. :glare:

Does he show the same concern for other men?
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#65 heartlikealion

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 10:26 PM

Not for anything, but your dh sure seems to care an awful lot about other women's feelings and comfort. :glare:

Does he show the same concern for other men?

 

To some degree. There have been times he's done things where he acted the exact same regardless of gender. Like the time a female worker started a job in his dept. and didn't know anyone/anything in the area besides him. He took her shopping and I was irate about it. I told him give her an address and let her use a GPS lol. But then a male worker in his dept. started and he went as far as to buy him an air mattress because he was very broke and didn't even have a bed yet. He thought he'd get paid back for the air mattress but since there was a miscommunication we didn't feel right about asking for the money back. I was a bit upset about the money loss but oh well. It goes to show he does sometimes bend over backwards for both men and women.
 


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#66 Catwoman

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 10:31 PM

To some degree. There have been times he's done things where he acted the exact same regardless of gender. Like the time a female worker started a job in his dept. and didn't know anyone/anything in the area besides him. He took her shopping and I was irate about it. I told him give her an address and let her use a GPS lol. But then a male worker in his dept. started and he went as far as to buy him an air mattress because he was very broke and didn't even have a bed yet. He thought he'd get paid back for the air mattress but since there was a miscommunication we didn't feel right about asking for the money back. I was a bit upset about the money loss but oh well. It goes to show he does sometimes bend over backwards for both men and women.


I think it's time for him to start prioritizing his own family instead of playing the part of the conquering hero for everybody else he meets.

I am encouraged, though, to hear that he isn't only doing nice things for women, but that he does nice things for other guys, too. I don't think he should be doing all that stuff, but I'm relieved that it's not always about other women, because that had me worried.

But ultimately, he should be spending his time with you and the kids, and he shouldn't be spending money on other people when you don't even have a second car right now.
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#67 Quill

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Posted 23 April 2017 - 05:47 AM

I'm wondering about the pace-matching thing if a person is walking or running for exercise.

When my husband and I walk after dinner, we are walking for companionship. We match our paces then. But when I want to walk for exercise, I walk alone - his pace is too slow and he can't walk too far (because of arthritis starting in his foot) and I don't actually get enough exercise if we walk together. I need the exercise! (For exercise, he swims at the Y at lunchtime during the week. I don't swim.)

So, I don't know, I don't see it as an ominous sign if the faster person doesn't slow to the pace of the slower person, if the object is exercise. I could even see someone joining a running or walking club or group in order to get exercise.

Now, I would never go walking with other men (outside of an organized group or a class) because my husband couldn't keep up with me. I walk alone with my audiobook. I would not want my husband to meet up with women at the Y to swim laps with him! So there is a difference there. But if someone judged the health of my marriage solely by the fact that I don't want to walk with my husband when I'm walking for exercise... they would be very wrong.

I hear what you're saying, but I was taking it together with other things she said. And, IMO, substituting other women because you say you can't match pace? I do find that ominous.

I run for exercise. My husband cannot run for exercise. He has had injuries that make it a very bad idea. Therefore, I run alone. It would never cross my mind in a billion years to say, "Oh, that's okay, honey; I'll run with Joe in the mornings since he has never wrecked on his motorcycle. Bye!" Especially if he had mentioned that it bothers him. You don't cause your mate angst when it is easily preventable.

ETA: typo

Edited by Quill, 23 April 2017 - 05:56 AM.

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#68 marbel

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Posted 23 April 2017 - 05:58 AM

I hear what your saying, but I was taking it together with other things she said. And, IMO, substituting other women because you say you can't match pace? I do find that ominous.

I run for exercise. My husband cannot run for exercise. He has had injuries that make it a very bad idea. Therefore, I run alone. It would never cross my mind in a billion years to say, "Oh, that's okay, honey; I'll run with Joe in the mornings since he has never wrecked on his motorcycle. Bye!" Especially if he had mentioned that it bothers him. You don't cause your mate angst when it is easily preventable.

 

Yeah, I know.  I should have added that I saw plenty of other red flags in the relationship.   I was careful to say that I was talking about walking for exercise, not companionship because there is a difference.   

 

Anyway, sorry for the derail. Heart, I hope you are able to have some good talks with your husband.  Does he go to church with you?  Maybe you could have a more comprehensive talk with your priest, together.  I said upthread I was disappointed with the priest's response about telling you to pray about it, but since you said you didn't go into great detail, maybe he didn't really get it.  But you are describing ways your husband is making you feel unloved and not a priority, and that kind of thing should be natural for a priest (pastor, etc) to help with, if your husband will listen to them. (Sorry if I missed a detail on that upthread.)


Edited by marbel, 23 April 2017 - 06:09 AM.

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#69 Quill

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Posted 23 April 2017 - 06:06 AM

Yeah, I know. I should have added that I saw plenty of other red flags in the relationship. I was careful to say that I was talking about walking for exercise, not companionship because there is a difference.


Yeah, you're right about that. When I have a different goal than companionship, I don't match pace.
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#70 ktgrok

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Posted 23 April 2017 - 07:25 AM

Perhaps he, like my hubby, needs to be reminded charity begins at home.


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#71 mamaraby

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Posted 23 April 2017 - 08:13 AM

So, I don't know, I don't see it as an ominous sign if the faster person doesn't slow to the pace of the slower person, if the object is exercise. I could even see someone joining a running or walking club or group in order to get exercise.


Unless we're talking about someone who has other physical limitations where the pace is negatively impacted, most faster folks can still slow down to match the slower person. Dh may not have run his pace yesterday, but I guarantee you he still got a workout. We don't run our speed workouts together because the speed bit is kind of important being right there in the title. But there are plenty of opportunities for us to run together even with differing paces and race goals.

There are also other options for differing paces and still getting a workout in. One option is to go farther either by walking longer together or by walking with the slower person for x distance and then walking on your own at a faster pace for y distance. Monday I only wanted to run 5 miles and dh wanted to go farther. We ran 3.5 miles together before I turned down one way and headed home. But to make that sort of accomodation, respect is kind of key.

It's not even about pace or exercise, though. It's about the respect you give your partner. It doesn't have to rise to the level of cheating for the lack of respect to be a bad thing. You may not walk together for exercising, but it sounds like you still find opportunities to slow down and walk together for companionship. I imagine that if you weren't currently doing so and your spouse asked you to, you would be willing to do so. That's the difference.

Imo, that's what's ridiculous about the whole rule thing mentioned in the post. If your partner is going to cheat, the rule against being friends with women isn't going to stop it.
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