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Update in 11-Remember my "hate feeling vetted" post?


Barb_
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Thanks for the update!

 

I am still in the vetting stage, but with me I am mostly vetting the house.  Not in a "how clean is it" way, though.  I had a bad experience when I was a child.  An adult son living at home had p*rn on his bedroom walls.  It was awful.

 

I am not as helicopter-y as I used to be, but I like to know ahead of time if there are safety issues that I need to talk to my child(ren) about.  Things that I might not have thought of if I didn't see.  (Swimming pool, for instance, because not all of my kids can swim yet.)

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Thanks for the update!

 

I am still in the vetting stage, but with me I am mostly vetting the house. Not in a "how clean is it" way, though. I had a bad experience when I was a child. An adult son living at home had p*rn on his bedroom walls. It was awful.

 

I am not as helicopter-y as I used to be, but I like to know ahead of time if there are safety issues that I need to talk to my child(ren) about. Things that I might not have thought of if I didn't see. (Swimming pool, for instance, because not all of my kids can swim yet.)

Families with an open swimming pool were deal-breakers for me when my kids were little. Not that I ever told someone that was the reason, but there was one house that I mentally noted - no way, my kids are never coming over here without me or DH. That pool was gated from neighbors but open to the kitchen doors. Drowning is my irrational fear. I could never risk that pool.

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Thanks for the update. That's cool that she realized the difference in your life stages. I can relate to this whole situation because my youngest is 8 years younger than my oldest so I am at a different place than many of my friends who are going through these situations with their firsts.

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I love updates, too! 

 

My oldest had a very brief flirtation with school - less than a month in kinder, which was enough time for me to about lose my mind with the pickup line, endless folder checks, and other annoying minutia. Home all day was definitely easier in my book. 

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Families with an open swimming pool were deal-breakers for me when my kids were little. Not that I ever told someone that was the reason, but there was one house that I mentally noted - no way, my kids are never coming over here without me or DH. That pool was gated from neighbors but open to the kitchen doors. Drowning is my irrational fear. I could never risk that pool.

It's not irrational if it can actually kill you (drowning also in my top 3).

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Omg, you can't make this stuff up. So now I find myself needing advice again. I emailed her to thank her for inviting us to the party and to invite her to come out the next time her oldest has a half day at school. She is also back to homeschooling my daughter's friend, but drives 40 minutes from where she lives to take the older one to school and back. I'm willing to take off a Friday and have her come hang out with her kids for the morning and leave around noon to pick up her daughter. It's a pain and I miss a day of teaching right at crunch time, but I'm trying to make it work.

 

Now she wants to bring her husband along. I don't know why. She said, "I would have V with me though. Don't worry, he'll just hang out."

 

No, lol. That's weird and not ok. I'm back to thinking this is not worth it. I'm too close to this. How do I say, "Nope" in a diplomatic way. Can you think of any reason the husband would tag along? We don't have a date set. No matter when it is, I would be hosting her, her daughters, her son and her husband on a weekday morning when I'd rather be be teaching my fhree other kids while the girls played.

Edited by Barb_
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That's super weird. Why can't V take the extra people and go do something on his own? I'd say something like well, I guess it's going to be too complicated after all. I have a lot of school to catch up on, so we will make it another time. Have a good week! See you [wherever normally see her].

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That's super weird. Why can't V take the extra people and go do something on his own? I'd say something like well, I guess it's going to be too complicated after all. I have a lot of school to catch up on, so we will make it another time. Have a good week! See you [wherever normally see her].

Oh! That's good! I like that.

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I wrote:

 

Lol, that sounds really complicated! We'd better wait until school is out and you can come out with just the girls for a few hours. That'll be easier.

 

I really wanted respond, "Lol, why??"

 

So Zoobie's suggestion was much better.

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I wouldn't go for that. I would feel too creeped out by having that many people "hanging out" in the house, especially if I did not know them, unless it was a bigger social occasion, and my dh was there too, along with others.

 

Maybe the dad doesn't feel comfortable with his wife and child going to a stranger's house. I know one family where the dad is super protective of his daughter. She goes to public school, but other than that she is very restricted. He needs to approve everywhere else she goes. I set things up for our kids with the mom, but then the dad inserts himself at the last minute, dictating terms. One example, I wanted to take the kids (ages 10/11 at the time) to a movie, and at the last minute, he would only ok it if they went to the movie theater closest to their house, which is almost 10 miles from us. The thing is, I was getting the kids after school, on the other side of town, so in order to comply with his demand, I had to spend an extra 45 minutes driving at rush hour. Another time, the girls were supposed to sleep over with another friend, and the dad showed up at the house at 10pm and said he needed to bring his daughter home because the cat missed her. It is always something, but it is clearly about him.

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I wrote:

 

Lol, that sounds really complicated! We'd better wait until school is out and you can come out with just the girls for a few hours. That'll be easier.

 

I really wanted respond, "Lol, why??"

 

So Zoobie's suggestion was much better.

You'rs would have been better than mine, "What is wrong with you??"

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Maybe the dad doesn't feel comfortable with his wife and child going to a stranger's house. I know one family where the dad is super protective of his daughter. She goes to public school, but other than that she is very restricted.

Yeah, this is where I went the first time around and I was trying to keep an open mind, but now my weird detector is going off. Loudly. She did mention at one point when we were talking that all her close friends are of the same religion because they help keep her on the path. Maybe we aren't allowed to grow too close.

 

ETA: and by allowed, I mean maybe she isn't allowing it. Maybe he's there as insurance?

Edited by Barb_
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I wouldn't be against having the husband along, though I would wonder why. Maybe it's just a logistical issue where they share a vehicle ....

Oh, and it wasn't like she said, "oh hey, would it be ok if V tags along because of such-and-such" She told me she'd be bringing him along and that he wouldn't have to interact with anyone. I think that's what felt odd.

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Or the husband doesn't drive and they generally go places together.

 

There are several couples in my circle where only one is able to drive for a variety of reasons. My own dh doesn't drive after dark (poor night vision) so I am often with him if he needs to go/come home after dark.

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Yeah, this is where I went the first time around and I was trying to keep an open mind, but now my weird detector is going off. Loudly. She did mention at one point when we were talking that all her close friends are of the same religion because they help keep her on the path. Maybe we aren't allowed to grow too close.

 

ETA: and by allowed, I mean maybe she isn't allowing it. Maybe he's there as insurance?

Listen to your weird detector. Always.

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Or the husband doesn't drive and they generally go places together.

 

There are several couples in my circle where only one is able to drive for a variety of reasons. My own dh doesn't drive after dark (poor night vision) so I am often with him if he needs to go/come home after dark.

Those are reasonable explanations, but not accurate here. They have two cars and they drove separately to the birthday party. It was at a park and I came early to help set up and cart stuff.

 

Regardless, it's odd that no explanation was given. Maybe it's just a social skills thing?

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Oh, and it wasn't like she said, "oh hey, would it be ok if V tags along because of such-and-such" She told me she'd be bringing him along and that he wouldn't have to interact with anyone. I think that's what felt odd.

 

Yeah, that is just weird. I wouldn't mind if the dh wanted to stop by just to meet and say hi. (And then leave because they drove separately.) But to just say her dh would be coming along for a kids' playdate?  :huh:

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Yeah, I'm all for my kids being friends with people and try to support it, but this friend seems way too high maintenance to me. Her husband is going to come, but not interact? Why?

 

"Gosh, we're just super busy right now. Soccer and end of the school year and all." And then I'd consider phasing her out like Monica and Pheobe did. ;) Kinda. Gosh, we're just so busy from now until the end of the world cuz you people are giving me the creeps.

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Haven't you guys ever had that happen?

 

Soooo many times I've made plans with friends, looking forward to talking to them, and their husbands show up. I absolutely hate it. Once in a while, NBD, but these aren't new ppl, we are friends!

 

That's something I miss about my more religious friends (out of state), actually. Husbands are always explicitly stated lol.

 

ETA-- Barb, that's just like one too many ~things~ to deal with. I don't think it's even something that needs an explanation.... You just aren't going to mesh with this woman.

Edited by OKBud
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I had someone bring their husband once. The whole situation was weird. I invited 2 ladies, both friends, but one lady I couldn't talk to me on the phone, I could only communicate through the other lady. Then the husband came with and I wasn't told about that at all. The one friend and the other ladies husband talked most of the time. The one lady evidently didn't even homeschool(I guess she just went to a hs event with her friend?) so they liked to make little slams at hs'ing. I felt unwelcome in my own home. I wondered why the h*ll they even came as they seemed to have no desire to visit. To top it off the husband was a total a*shat. He put done various things around here my husband had done, talking about horrible it was. Considering everything that was said and done I honestly think the husband was some controlling jerkwad at the very least, if not downright abusive. With the more and more complicated demands and comments about sticking with their own religion i say you may be dodging a bullet.

Edited by soror
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I sounds like you will have to invest tremendous effort into this friendship for your child. Sometimes, extra effort is worth it: two of mine have friends in single-parent families, we do the majority of hosting and driving. I'm fine with that! There is also a "friend" who is the only child in a two parent home, and it is nearly impossible to maintain the relationship. Too many restrictions and last-minute changes and cancellations. I gave up way too much time tagging along being a companion to the other mom to give the kids an illusion of normalcy, but I am long beyond over that. I'm tired of my kid having to beg for scraps of friendship, and me having to jump through flaming hoops to make it (maybe) happen.

 

I deeply regret spending years enabling the nonsense. I did it for my child, who really wanted this friendship. And this was an age way beyond what I consider to be reasonable for parents to be so overly involved in "play dates."

 

I am certainly in favor of parents being involved in their children's friendships, and exercising caution with new friendships/families. But there is a point where it is more trouble than its worth. It might be wise to consider not investing too much in a friendship that may only prove to be difficult to maintain before your child develops a strong friendship with the child.

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Jeeze louise weirdos.  I would not be okay with that at all.  It's not like ya'll are planning a couples bbq while the kids play, it is bizarre that a man would not be at work during the day and able to tag along in the first place.  I would not be comfortable with it, especially the "oh he'll just sit there and not interact" blaise way she put it.  That is not normal, we may be weird unsocialized homeschoolers but even we think this is crazy lol

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You guys are cracking me up :lol:

 

I got an email back from her (she has a flip phone so no texting), and she was happy to bring just her daughter by once school was out. No mention of the husband. So i responded, "Does V ride to school with you every morning and afternoon? Please satisfy my curiosity. I wanted to ask, but couldn't think of a polite way to do it. My husband has lived in another STATE for the past six years, so I forget how normal couples act, but I'm pretty sure he would have done anything to get out of attending a playdate regardless of how he loves hanging out with his own kids."

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I sounds like you will have to invest tremendous effort into this friendship for your child. Sometimes, extra effort is worth it: two of mine have friends in single-parent families, we do the majority of hosting and driving. I'm fine with that! There is also a "friend" who is the only child in a two parent home, and it is nearly impossible to maintain the relationship. Too many restrictions and last-minute changes and cancellations. I gave up way too much time tagging along being a companion to the other mom to give the kids an illusion of normalcy, but I am long beyond over that. I'm tired of my kid having to beg for scraps of friendship, and me having to jump through flaming hoops to make it (maybe) happen.

 

I deeply regret spending years enabling the nonsense. I did it for my child, who really wanted this friendship. And this was an age way beyond what I consider to be reasonable for parents to be so overly involved in "play dates."

 

I am certainly in favor of parents being involved in their children's friendships, and exercising caution with new friendships/families. But there is a point where it is more trouble than its worth. It might be wise to consider not investing too much in a friendship that may only prove to be difficult to maintain before your child develops a strong friendship with the child.

You're probably right. This is more about my keeping my word to my daughter. In my family of origin, promises were handed out like m&ms but follow through was rare. I may be carrying a little baggage there. I try to avoid promises altogether unless I'm absolutely certain I can come up with the goods, but I made this one in a moment of psychosis brought on by weak-kneed empathy when she seemed to have no friends.

 

I figure I'll get this done this one time and after that, I may let it quietly slip away.

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My husband would happily attend a play date - he is social like that. And he likes all my friends too and genuinely likes kids and meeting new people. He really likes visiting peoples houses - I think just out of curiousity for how other people live. And it builds a platform for conversation and connection for friendships.

 

Me -- I would hate having someone's spouse come to a play date. But I haven't met many spouses as social and friendly as mine so maybe I would find other spouses company enjoyable if they were chatty. Most I have met are pretty quiet and don't interact a lot at social gatherings, though there are a few exceptions.

 

But still with a new invite, I would ask if it's okay if he came along too and try to explain why he would be with us versus being left at home with the other kids. But I would avoid accepting an invite where I had to bring him.

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I'm curious, too.

 

And I have never, ever, ever had a Dad show up at a playdate (well, I did have a SAHD friend once, but that's different!)  I can't even imagine it happening--ever. It's all we can do to get the Dads around here to come to any homeschooling events (kick-offs, end of the year events, etc).  I would LOVE to know why anyone would do this ( outside of an over-protective/abusive kind of situation or a situation where the families are super close anyway and consider all spouses to be friends. Although, even then, when we were part of such a group, I still would have thought it was kinda odd, b/c why would the guys be interested in "play-date talk" and being constantly interrupted by toddlers. It's a nice break from the house and refreshing, but not really "fun" like hanging out at night with other adults.)

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Yeah, this is where I went the first time around and I was trying to keep an open mind, but now my weird detector is going off. Loudly. She did mention at one point when we were talking that all her close friends are of the same religion because they help keep her on the path. Maybe we aren't allowed to grow too close.

 

 

OK, I missed this last week. My weird detector would be beeping, and possibly activating the automatic gate with alarm, at the bolded.

 

What religion is it??

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