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DH going through breakdown. Support only, please.

AnonWife

By AnonWife,
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Moonhawk
Moonhawk

Hey guys, sorry for the radio silence. It's been kind of crazy, and can't believe it's already Friday. It is Friday, right?    He's home, dr appt scheduled for today, family doctor for now just to g

Moonhawk
Moonhawk

Well I got a text this morning saying he's sorry, he doesn't know what he's doing, he doesn't want to be apart from us, and he'll take meds if I want him to.

Moonhawk
Moonhawk

Hi everyone.  Looks like I missed the excitement. :)  I know you are all coming from a place of caring, I will not take offense to anything said.    I'm sorry to those who have gone through somethin

Seasider

Seasider

Posted
Posted

Was the legal appointment helpful yesterday?

I was also wondering how it went. I hope you received the information necessary to handle the business to come, and protect yourself and children.

 

And many hugs to you, moonhawk. His leaving is NOT your failure, don't be tempted to let your mind drift that direction. I'm hoping for the best outcome for all, but in the meantime, keep doing what ya gotta do.

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Catwoman

Catwoman

Posted
Posted

Well, he just left to go sign a lease on an apartment. So, that's that.

I know this is difficult for you, but from a legal perspective, this is actually a good thing because you are able to remain in your home with your children. It may even end up better for your marriage, because you will be able to take a step back from the daily drama he has been causing, and he will see firsthand what it's like to live away from you and the kids -- and it probably won't be nearly as much fun as he is imagining it will be.

 

One thing I will suggest is that if he moves out, don't allow him to pop in at home any time he feels like it. Don't make it too easy for him to think he still lives at home even though he also has the apartment. Let him fend for himself for his meals and his laundry, and insist on being informed when he plans to visit the kids.

 

I'm not trying to be cold or vengeful here; I just want to be sure he sees what he's giving up in order to live his new lifestyle.

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Jaybee

Jaybee

Posted
Posted (edited)

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I'm so sorry. Praying for strength and wisdom for you.

 

ETA:  I'm sorry because you are going through this whole thing, and you must feel so overwhelmed. Yet, his moving out may give you a little space emotionally, and may make him realize he needs help more quickly.

Edited by Jaybee
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Catwoman

Catwoman

Posted
Posted (edited)

Unless the attorney said not to, I'd consider changing the locks now.

I was thinking the same thing. Once he gets his stuff out of the house, I don't think he should have unlimited access without Moonhawk's permission.

 

(Edited because my iPad decided I meant to type Moonsong and not Moonhawk. :) )

Edited by Catwoman
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Spryte

Spryte

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm sorry you're going through this, moonhawk. ((Hugs))

 

Unless the attorney said not to, I'd consider changing the locks now.

Ditto.

 

If nothing else, the unattended pilfering that can happen will drive you crazy. I know several couples who had one person move out, the other stay but without changing locks, and each time the person who moved out would stop in and grab things while the other party was out. Toasters and household goods (seriously, true story) were the least of it. More serious were the valuables that aren't often thought of - silver, knickknacks, just the weirdest stuff that one might or might not notice until it's time to "officially" split things up.

Edited by Spryte
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hjffkj

hjffkj

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you're going through this, moonhawk. ((Hugs))

 

Ditto.

 

If nothing else, the unattended pilfering that can happen will drive you crazy. I know several couples who had one person move out, the other stay but without changing locks, and each time the person who moved out would stop in and grab things while the other party was out. Toasters and household goods (seriously, true story) were the least of it. More serious were the valuables that aren't often thought of - silver, knickknacks, just the weirdest stuff that one might or might not notice until it's time to

 

"officially" split things up.

Dh's ex took the microwave one day and the dog the next!

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

Well, he just left to go sign a lease on an apartment. So, that's that.

I don't 'like' this. But I just wanted to say I'm praying for you both and am glad he left voluntarily, however this goes from here. You have had preternatural calm in the face of massive emotional stress and I cannot believe how well you're handling this.

 

Truly, you're doing the absolute best you can in an impossible situation. His choices, however much control he has over them, are not your responsibility. I just hope the consequences are as minimal and painless to you and your children as possible.

 

:grouphug:

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emmaluv+2more

emmaluv+2more

Posted
Posted

Unless the attorney said not to, I'd consider changing the locks now.

Please don't do this as it would not be legal at this point (he still legally owns the house as well and you have not yet been given sole rights to the property). I would hate to see you get into any trouble.

 

If you worry about him coming and going, then you would really need to seek legal advice on how to prevent him from doing so. You should do this asap. IME, he will try to enter the home as he sees fit.

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idnib

idnib

Posted
Posted

I've been put of town and away from electronics for a few days so I'm just catching up.

 

Please look into a restraining order. It's something more easily done with the advice of an attorney but you can also fill out the paperwork yourself.  At least go to the county courthouse and get the papers to be filed and start filling them out. It takes some time. You may never file them, but you don't want to wait until you need them. This would be the first step in getting the locks changed. If he becomes more delusional, especially if those delusions relate to the children, you'll wish to file quickly. They generally take from 1-5 days to be issued and then they still have to be served. 

 

Also consider asking the lawyer about a legal separation as a way of protecting yourself from his debts during this situation. Manic episodes can result in a lot of financial destruction. It might be something you need to do not just for yourself and the kids, but to help him when he recovers. Chances are he will not be able to maintain the lease, either becoming unable to work properly, or losing income as a result of being in treatment. The protection of a separation will depend on your state.

 

I'm sorry again that this is happening. Manic episodes literally affect the consequences area of the brain. He cannot think ahead to the obvious results of his actions. He may appear at times to understand and seem to be getting better, but without treatment he is most likely sliding away from reason.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you're going through this, moonhawk. ((Hugs))

 

Ditto.

 

If nothing else, the unattended pilfering that can happen will drive you crazy. I know several couples who had one person move out, the other stay but without changing locks, and each time the person who moved out would stop in and grab things while the other party was out. Toasters and household goods (seriously, true story) were the least of it. More serious were the valuables that aren't often thought of - silver, knickknacks, just the weirdest stuff that one might or might not notice until it's time to "officially" split things up.

 

I know it's not the case here - but because my ex-sil was the one in the house . . she SOLD my *mother's* silver.

 

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Mimm

Mimm

Posted
Posted

Well, he just left to go sign a lease on an apartment. So, that's that.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You've been the picture of grace and strength in this impossible situation.

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ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry. Sometimes people just aren't capable of being marital partners, at least not when we want them to be. None of this is your fault. It may not be his fault either. But it still is. And it sucks. I'm sorry. But you are strong, and will be okay. 

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

You've done everything you reasonable could - actually above and beyond what a lot of people would do. Hopefully he will come back to his senses soon, but until then you can move forward guilt-free.

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maize

maize

Posted
Posted (edited)

Have you been able to find a therapist for yourself?

 

One thing you are almost certain to encounter as you walk this path is the suggestion from well meaning but uncomprehending people that :you: ought to be able to somehow change your dh's behavior. There will be people who suggest that if you could be (more supportive, more attentive, more romantic, more forgiving, more....) your husband's behavior would change. Most of these people mean well but honestly have zero comprehension of the realities of serious mental illness. There is nothing you can do behavior wise that would cause your husband to not be and act mentally ill, anymore than there is some behavioral change on your part that would cause him to be cured of cancer if that were the illness in question.

 

I am quite certain though that exactly this type of reasoning will be thrown at you, and having someone with the professional and clinical understanding to counter it can be one of the benefits of having professional therapy for yourself.

 

Thinking of you and sending hugs this morning.

Edited by maize
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Word Nerd

Word Nerd

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry. I hope this decision makes him realize he is behaving irrationally and want to get better. But even if that doesn't happen, you've done all you can to help him.

 

My SIL and BIL went through something similar because he had several manic benders with outrageous spending and cheating, etc. It wasn't until they were separated and divorce proceedings started that he finally got help, agreed to treatment, and got serious about staying on medication and going to counseling so they could fix their broken marriage.

 

Your DH is responsible for the harm he's causing to your family, and now your focus needs to be on protecting yourself and your kids from the fallout.

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