So, OP here. I've decided to continue the conversation with my "real name" for a bunch of reasons. One of the reasons is that, when I originally made the post, I thought I was going to do a vent, get support, then just let it go. But, I don't really feel able to let go yet, and I've already dropped enough hints for the sleuths to put together, and it is tiring trying to wash the personal details out. Still doubtful I want this associated with "me" though, especially in 6 most when this is past (hopefully) and I want to ask about more benign marriage advice, I don't want the first reaction to be "well he's crazy!", lol.
Re: my own mental health. I've called my parish, the priest will get back to me next week (he's out of town right now). I spoke to a helpline counselor today, which gave me some clarity but also raised my stress level because after I told them the entire story they seemed a whole lot more doubtful of a happy resolution to this than I was. Not that it would just take time and work, but whether or not it is even possible. So, I guess a stronger dose of reality than I was already on? I've always been an optimist, maybe I am too biased, but I don't think he's so far gone as to be written off.
In the situation itself: DH sat me down for a "logical" discussion of our choices. Positive-Minus-Interesting lists on each one. The choices were open marriage or separation. It didn't go well. I convinced him to do a PMI for stay-with-more-treatment, which he did grudgingly, and also grudgingly admitted that it did have less negatives than the other 2 choices. But, he's still stuck on the open marriage option and trying to convince me of it.
He has bouts of "this is crazy", "I'm sorry I'm putting you through this", "I wish I didn't feel this way, if it could go away I would be relieved, but its never going to", "this is just a phase", "I just need some work", interspersed with "this is who I am", "I'm not ill", "this isn't going to go away", "why is it wrong anyway?", "don't judge me", "I don't need to be fixed, I need to be myself." So, he isn't consistent, very conflicted, and still feeling betrayed by everyone else's view of reality. And in denial there is anything wrong with him. He sees nothing at all wrong with his actions, and does not remember/acknowledge being stable/different.
The good news is that he is still communicating with me and trying to convince me to go along with the crazy, not just running off crazy on his own.
Baby steps and looking for advice:
1.Medication is a definite no-go topic right now. I did get him to agree to at least taking a natural something to help him sleep, trying to at least stabilize some part of his routine. Melatonin is what he thought of. I looked it up and a couple websites noted it may be a depressive for some. Any experience with this? Or, suggestions on some other supplements that could help? He does drink chamomile tea sporadically but I don't know if it actually does anything for him.
2. Kids. Got to say something to at least the 8yo if this continues as is. And even if he stays and the episode ends and he comes to himself, we need to say something to prepare for the next time.Whatever I say at this point, though, he won't like. so how do I approach this without tipping him farther towards crazy and seeing me as an enemy?
He is seeing a naturopath (?) tomorrow, it was scheduled a few weeks ago. I don't know how truthful he'll be about his state. He also just closed 2 big jobs, and once he focuses on the work he usually regains some objectivity on other areas of life. He'll begin the work in a couple of weeks though, so that half hope is a while off.
Thank you for your help thus far, and support. It means more than I can say.