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DH going through breakdown. Support only, please.


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#51 mominco

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:48 PM

:grouphug:



#52 Aelwydd

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:49 PM

Anon, that's a really tough place to be in. I don't know how to fix your dh's illness, but I do think you need a trusted confidant, who is independent of the situation. Have you considered counseling for yourself, to help you with the strain you're under? I would seek that and maybe a massage or other stress relief activity.

I say this because you are basically a caretaker in the trenches and you need help, too. Speaking from experience, mentally ill people tend to be very self-absorbed to the point they will run your health into the ground along theirs. You gotta hold on for yourself, your kids, and hopefully for a future healthy dh.

Take care of yourself!!
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#53 emmaluv+2more

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:51 PM

I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. I've been exactly where you are and it ended the way you asked us not to recommend, so I have no advice other than to say please, please, please take care of yourself and the children. You think they are shielded, but they likely know, see, feel more than you realize. My oldest (10 at the time) began with tears and wanted desperately for us to stay together. By the end she told me she just wanted me to be happy.

I, personally, was worn down by all of his "I've never been happy, you did this to me, it's your fault" comments that eventually I began to believe it. 2 years out and I'm still struggling with this. I'm not the person I was; his behavior changed me too.

Hugs. You are in my thoughts.
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#54 zoobie

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:59 PM

I agree; don't assume your children are oblivious. They can sense changes. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. I'm so sorry. :grouphug:


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#55 G5052

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:04 PM

Very, very tough. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

I went through two horrible years with my husband's mental illness, and we wrestled with these sorts of issues. He didn't want to separate, but talked about it on an ongoing basis. I begged him to get help, and he wouldn't. Finally I went to counselling to get help in dealing with it and sent the teens too. The turmoil of talking about about separation was very hard on us. At times I would tell him to just do it and be done with it.

 

Ultimately he did leave, and it led to a major mental health crisis that landed him in a behavior unit where he was confronted with his problems. In his case, 80% of it was medication that he is no longer on. When they were getting ready to discharge him, they asked if I wanted him home or to make other arrangements. I discussed with it with our teens, and he came home.

 

We set up a behavior contract, and we're all in counselling. Very hard to work through, but I'm more hopeful than I've been in a long time. The key is that he has admitted the problem and wants change.


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#56 Ravin

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:06 PM

Sorry to say I would require him to get and stay on medications in order for me to continue a marriage with someone so unstable.  Sorry.

 

Medication doesn't always fix everything, and medications can stop working after a time. You are grossly oversimplifying the situation the OP is dealing with.


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#57 Ravin

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:11 PM

"He has manic depression and has refused medication" ...   I'm not a Psychiatrist, but from what little I know (I have Severe P.T.S.D.), I believe that is a very very very very  serious diagnosis.  To me, refusing medication would be reason for him to be in a Psychiatric Ward in a hospital, where they can get him stabilized.    GL with this!

 

Without threats of violence (towards himself or others) or actions which would make it appear evident he is an imminent danger to himself or others it isn't. Not in the U.S. anyway.


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#58 G5052

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:12 PM

Shoot, *I'm* mad at them for not helping him better.  This is a crisis situation that they are acting like it's not.  Ugh.  I hate medical insurance.  Can't live with it, can't live without it.  Very sorry to hear this!

 

I took DH to the ER days before he really went off the deep end, and it was useless. He was the one that wanted to go. Then they blamed me. Then they tried to convince me that his behavior was within normal bounds. We left, and he came home and packed up and left.

 

Insurance initially didn't cover it, although now they're covering the hospital costs because he ended up a behavior unit later.

 

We're still fighting on the doctor bill, which was $900.


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#59 Pink and Green Mom

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:13 PM

I am so sorry, OP.  When I had to be hospitalized for a nervous breakdown in 2000 and no psychiatrists could see me for weeks under our insurance, I had to be checked into the hospital in order to be seen in a timely fashion.   The psychiatrist on duty at the hospital can at least start treatment.

 

I am not sure if this is an option for you as I was willing and begging to be checked into the hospital and I realize your DH may not be.  Is there any way you can talk to his regular GP doctor as maybe a temporary bridge to a psychiatrist?  Is there maybe a  way his regular GP can get him in to see a psychiatrist faster?

 

I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. 


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#60 trulycrabby

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:15 PM

No experience or advice, just big hugs. :grouphug:

#61 Patty Joanna

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:22 PM

Oh wow. My ex husband, also with mental illness but not bipolar as far as I know, would say pretty much EXACTLY the same things. It was so incredibly hurtful. I'm so so so sorry. This is gas lighting, it's not you. It's not real. It's the illness. 

 

Sending love and hugs. 

 

I couldn't last through it, and although I hope you get through it, if you don't, I can say that divorce wasn't the awful thing I thought it would be. I mean, it was hard, but no harder than staying together, really. And our life is good now. (also fyi, mental illness at time of the marriage is grounds for an annulment. Not at all saying you should do that, but letting you know it is an option if he leaves or things get worse.)

 

I was just reading about this (sent by a friend re: her situation) and it seems also that mental illness which prevents the continuation of a marriage is also grounds.  

 

I'm not suggesting divorce or a resulting annulment.  It just seems important to me to have clarity in understanding what the Catholic Church teaches, so that we don't "bind burdens on people's backs too heavy for them to carry and do NOTHING to help them lift" (that's from the "Woe to you's" in Matthew).  


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#62 AnonWife

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:24 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies, and support.  I'm feeling calmer and its helping me regain some objectivity. I know this can blow up in my face at any time, but I have to keep in mind that he does have active moments of clarity and hopefully that will be enough to prevent any drastic actions on his part. And it's reminding me that I can't control the situation or his actions, which is oddly relieving as well. 

 

That's very tough. How long does this generally last?

 

2-3 months. Usually though the "lead in" is much longer, like 2 months in itself, so I don't know exactly what to expect here.  I think that is why I am reacting more strongly and why I'm not sure how to handle his declarations of leaving.

 

Is there a record of past treatment / episodes? Physicians should be able to piece a picture together from his record and not view you as biased or just desperate to keep your family together.

 

His last episode 2 years ago is what got him into treatment and the diagnosis, so there isn't a great trail established other than my memory. 

 

 

I'm very sorry.  You sound like a tough cookie.  I'm glad you know it's not really about YOU.  What does he say when the episodes are over?  Does he realize how hard they are on you?  

 

Mental illnesses are so difficult, but I've seen cases of people finally getting the help they need and their lives totally changing (for the best) in ways they never thought possible.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

He does realize the difficulty, and realizes it during the episode as well.  In calmer moments he apologizes and says he doesn't know how I put up with it.  During depressive moments he says its not fair to me and he should leave so I don't have to put up with him. 

 

 

This is really scary. He feels trapped in a life he thinks he didn't choose for himself and sees his choices as really no choice at all IOW, out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I'm afraid he'd do something desperate and violent, bc what would he have to lose?

I'd seriously think of either...leaving him (and taking kids with you) until he gets stabilized on medication or staying and having him leave until he gets stabilized on medication.

Did I miss something...where is his family? Do they know his diagnosis?

 

Not concerned about violence, towards either the kids or me. Of course, though, I'd put them first if there was any concern.

His family does not know his diagnosis. 

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Practically speaking, who has control of the finances? Does he have a history of spending wildly during his episodes? If so, is there a way to prevent that?

 

 

We both have access to finances.  He wants to spend money, but so far his main obsession has been on relationships, and money I think will only come into play if he starts to spend it pursuing that.  Part of his pride in the past 2 years has been the savings he's been able to build up, and the fact that I've been able to come home because of how we maintained finances. I think this is still too much of his self image, even in his current state, that he won't put that into jeopardy. But, I'll monitor the accounts, thank you for the reminder.

 

 

Also, I didn't quote the post, but I do agree that keeping it secret definitely makes it more difficult.  When this episode is over I'll try to get him to tell some people so that we can have more support outside.  Though, I don't know anyone in our circles that are "open" to mental illness and don't view it as a weakness. Sure, we should be the strong ones to break the taboo, but practically speaking we didn't want to deal with that. Hindsight is 20/20 though, it'd be nice to have real live people who know his regular self that could be helping us through this. 


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#63 ktgrok

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:29 PM

Yes to a therapist for you. That is vital. 


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#64 ktgrok

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:33 PM

The reason I suggest therapy for you is it is VERY easy for the person with mental illness to drag you down with them. 


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#65 solascriptura

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:35 PM

I am so so sorry.

#66 mamaraby

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:36 PM

I'm so sorry. That sounds so hollow, though. I have zero advice except to be sure to take care of yourself along the way. It can't be all about your dh and you won't do anyone any good if you're not practicing good self care.

#67 LucyStoner

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:36 PM

"He has manic depression and has refused medication" ... I'm not a Psychiatrist, but from what little I know (I have Severe P.T.S.D.), I believe that is a very very very very serious diagnosis. To me, refusing medication would be reason for him to be in a Psychiatric Ward in a hospital, where they can get him stabilized. GL with this!


Nope. Unless he's a danger to himself or others, he can't be involuntarily held at a hospital. And he has the legal right to choose what, if any, medications to take in the absense of a court order to the contrary.
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#68 NorthwestMom

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:47 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I have been through something like this situation. I have developed my own firm boundary plan, meaning I know what I will and will not accept, mental illness or not. Even though I dearly want to preserve my marriage, I won't accept just any treatment. Making a firm list of examples of possible behaviors and how I will deal with them has helped me immensely, since it takes the pressure of making decisions when emotions are running high.

 

DH is aware of some elements and unaware of other things. For example, DH MUST be med compliant or he will be moving out. I am not doing the med dance any more, and he knows this.  Alternately, if I learn that he has been complaining about me to female coworkers (the beginning of past emotional infidelity and putting me in a "mean mom role"), he will also be moving out, and he doesn't know that boundary, it just exists in my head. You may find that objectively deciding what you will and will not allow for your own life (because you count too) is very liberating. 

 

And honestly, sincerely consider what you are hiding and protecting by not telling anyone what is truly happening - are you protecting or are you allowing him to avoid accountability? I don't know the answer for you, but it's something to consider. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:


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#69 idnib

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:48 PM

My very close friend has been going through this for months and was recently hospitalized and then temporarily institutionalized when her life was no longer manageable. She had many of the same manic delusions. We tried to have her held over and over again but it was very difficult for understandable reasons re: civil rights. In the end we all had to make it clear to her that we would not give her a place to live or any money, and after a few nights of sleeping in her car she turned herself in at the hospital, where she was held on a 5150 and then that was converted to a 5250 2-week hold. There will be a court order for medication by tomorrow.

 

Having seen this so recently, my advice is to protect the children and yourself emotionally and financially, get therapy and support, try to convince the person to go to the ER, and notify his physicians, the kids' school if they attend, and the local PD.

 

Her family found therapy and NAMI to be very helpful. If you need more, feel free to PM me. I don't want to share more about my friend here.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:


Edited by idnib, 18 April 2017 - 02:48 PM.

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#70 TABmom

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:49 PM

Well, I might be bipolar and if I did this, I would want my husband to call the doc and tell him what was going on. I really think that is what you should do. Write down all the information you have, call a psych and say it is an emergency. Whoever diagnosed him can send their records. You can make an appointment to talk to the doc yourself and tell him what is going on. (Pretty sure my parents have done that for my brother when he was older than 18) He does sound like inpatient treatment would be best. People with bipolar NEED to stay on meds. Maybe going to a regular doc would get you into a psych quicker? Just throwing out some ideas. Several people in my family have bipolar, but we have more issues with the depressive side than the manic side.
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#71 Tibbie Dunbar

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:54 PM

1. Stay current on STD testing for yourself, during bad times but also during better times.
2. Get control of the money, at least over what's needed to provide for the children. Don't let go.
3. The children almost certainly know more than you think, and may be afraid or stressed. They need counseling and respite.

I'm supporting you in that I understand why you stay. If my healthier parent had been more aware of my second point, my siblings and I would have been exponentially better off, but I'm glad my parents stayed together. My parent who is ill has found stability during their old age, and does not have to be alone having lost everything. Very thankful they were somehow able to keep their family, in the long run. That's precious and not always possible but we were lucky.

I don't support homeschooling, or refusing to get help for children who live in a home with these challenges. People can holler all they want about hs'ing being the best academic option, or about how they can't get help for the kids because their spouse insists on maintaining the illusion. But former children of parents with untreated or under-treated mental illness have a right to their opinion and experience, too, so I'm putting in a word of support for the kids, as well as offering prayers and support for you.
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#72 Spudater

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:56 PM

Many prayers and hugs for you.
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#73 Patty Joanna

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:57 PM

Reading so many responses of similar situations makes me sad for all the suffering so many have endured.

 

I think I will not worry so much now that my feet hurt today.  

 

(((all around)))


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#74 Harriet Vane

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:59 PM

:grouphug:



#75 wendy not in HI

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:04 PM

I have a family member with PTSD who presents with similar behaviors.  This probably goes without saying, but just in case, I would strongly recommend that you protect yourself from STD's and that you keep those boundaries firm (ie - test results to you before resumed intimacies.)  

 

You should probably be tested in case of previous indiscretions, just to be safe.  Your health and safety is so important - your kids need one healthy parent!

 

The forums at Surviving Infidelity are full of information and support. You are not alone!!

 

I wish there was something I could say to make things better.  Please take care of yourself.  Drink water.  Eat healthy food - if you cannot manage to eat, drink high calorie shakes.  Walk outside.  Find someone in real life you can talk to - individual counseling would be ideal, but having a friend in your corner would also be good.  Get the sleep you need.  Lean in to your kids - they are aware of more than you think and need you right now.  Think of this as a marathon not a sprint - you've got to save your energy for the long haul - don't forget to take care of you while you worry about him...


Edited by wendy not in HI, 18 April 2017 - 03:05 PM.

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#76 whitehawk

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:11 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I'd like to remind you gently that seeing a lawyer does not mean you're getting a divorce. It might be wise to consult with someone about protecting marital property in the event that your DH's episode continues to worsen, and perhaps to talk generally about laws relating to mental health situations. You might also choose to keep a log of what he's saying and doing (in light of the possibility that he won't remember/believe it later, or even that in this mental state he will leave you, say you're lying about everything and try to get both child custody and property).


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#77 Selkie

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:14 PM

No one else knows about the diagnosis, so that makes it tricky.  and this particular episode is being characterized by a bit of paranoia and anger that other people have made life choices for him.  For example, I forced him to get married.  My parents forced him to buy a house. I forced him to have kids. His parents forced him to be responsible as a teenager. His brothers talked him into marrying me. His friends convinced him its normal to have one sexual partner for your life. 

 

There is cognitive dissonance in that he is hyper focusing on what society says is okay (he's cherry picking here, of course) on open relationships, having affairs, being able to travel, spend a lot of money, a limit on how many kids are acceptable, while saying he is tired of having other people make choices for him.

 

To be fair, and not to demonize him, there are problems we need to address, and have been working on constructively and together.  Right now, though, he doesn't want to work on anything or fix anything or even make it better.  He just wants to leave. He acknowledges that he is trapped, even if he left, he's still have to pay child support, his family would disown him, he'd be a pariah here, and he would miss the kids sometimes. But, all of these thoughts seem to just make him even more angry and more determined to go through with it, so that he feels listened to and that he is in control of his life. 

 

The above, and especially the bolded part, makes me concerned for the safety of you and the kids. Even if you think he's not capable of violence, I hope you'll be very careful.  :grouphug:


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#78 PrincessMommy

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:17 PM

I have no advice, but I wanted to give you some support.   I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I hope your dh finds some help.


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#79 LMD

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:20 PM

I am so sorry OP. It sounds incredibly difficult. I respect your resolve to stand by your husband through this, I hope he comes through it quickly and with minimal damage.

Can I just say, from the point of view of a child who grew up watching this drama, who was the one calling the police, looking after terrified younger siblings and making plans to run away - they know. If nothing else, I hope they have a safe space and people to talk with.

And, I know that it's your dh's diagnosis and you don't want to blab, but you are allowed to tell someone and get support. He does not hold all the power - especially when he is being irresponsible with it.
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#80 AnnE-girl

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:22 PM

The above, and especially the bolded part, makes me concerned for the safety of you and the kids. Even if you think he's not capable of violence, I hope you'll be very careful. :grouphug:


I want to second this. People who feel trapped can become very dangerous.
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#81 Mergath

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:28 PM

I'm sorry, OP. My dh is also bipolar, and I've gone through pretty much everything you described and had all the same things said to me at one point or another. It took me years to figure it out, but there's just no way to talk to someone in the midst of bipolar mania. You can't reason with them. Bipolar disorder is extremely difficult to treat, and for most people it's the medication that works better than anything else. My dh tried different meds for years. Zyprexa leveled him out but made him a zombie in the process. Lithium and Celexa got him maybe 75% of the way stable, but he still had some rage issues. He began seeing a new psychiatrist and it was a combo of Celexa, Lithium, and Trileptal that did it. Celexa once a day, Lithium and Trileptal twice a day. You really do have to fiddle with the dosages and find the combo that's just right, but once you do it's like a miracle. My dh is like a completely different person now, and has been for some time. He's the person I married all the time now, instead of me just getting occasional glimpses of him. Finding the right med combo can be a bitch, but it's totally worth it once you do.

 

You don't want a divorce, but what about a temporary separation until he agrees to see a psych regularly and get on medication? You can stay married to him without having to subject yourself to his emotional abuse. And bipolar people are really, really good at convincing you that things they said in the past were the bipolar disorder talking, but THIS TIME they really mean it. They really do hate you, or they're sick of you, or they want to be with someone else, or whatever. That's another thing that took me years to figure out- that dh always said he really means the abuse this time, and it was always bull and he'd feel horrible after it passed. That doesn't make it okay, of course, but it's something to keep in mind in the moment.

 

What sucks is that they don't get a pass on the stupid decisions they make when they're in the midst of a manic episode. My dh got drunk, drove, and got pulled over. The drunk driving conviction won't magically go away just because he was having his crazytime. The money he blew won't reappear when he's stable again. So do whatever you can to minimize the damage. I controlled our finances completely for many years because it was easier than trying to convince dh to give up the debit card when he was in the middle of freaking out. Dh wasn't allowed to know where the car keys are. That kind of thing. It pissed him off when he was manic, but he was going to be pissed off no matter what I did, you know?

 

Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to about this stuff. You don't have to tell me your real identity or anything. :grouphug:


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#82 LMD

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:29 PM

Hesitating to add...

-The male (untreated) bipolar partners I have known all turned violent. Please don't underestimate him.

-My mother staying as long as she did greatly damaged her relationship with me. Irreparably.


Again, I am so so sorry. It's not fair and it's not your fault. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! You deserve support.
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#83 Spryte

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:31 PM

I want to second this. People who feel trapped can become very dangerous.


I'm going to third this. Or fourth or fifth.

The people in my life who are bipolar are mostly going to harm themselves or their own lives (with some damage to others, of course, as a result). But it's always different, and there have been two people in my life that very nearly caused physical harm to others as a result of their untreated bipolar. Not in a flare, I'd never expect that behavior, but mental illness can change personalities. It can happen. Be aware, OP.
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#84 idnib

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:31 PM

I wanted to add that you should let people IRL know. In my friend's situation, the family was being quiet about the situation until something happened in a very public way and people there saw the issue. Suddenly there was a plethora of assistance from people: a pro bono lawyer, a bipolar person who had been through a similar situation, a therapist, people who offered to watch the kids, make meals, a police contact, etc. Everyone finding out what was going on was difficult for the family at first, but it turned into an amazing support group. So many people have been through the same thing.

 

:grouphug:


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#85 transientChris

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:32 PM

If he gets wilder,  what you want to have done is go to the ER of a hospital that has a mental health unit and threaten involuntary (not that you will get this)  Since voluntary stays at mental hospitals are much better than involuntary, getting the point across that involuntary commitment is possible, I know depressed patients will usually choose voluntary.  With manic depressives, threatening leaving is often the key. But I know you don't want that.  But you do want to not only save your marriage but actually get him treatment.  My readings about Manic Depressives is that the cycles of mania tend to get longer and worse=if he has the normal type.  There also is a type that is much less serious but his grandiose behavior (thinking it actually is possible to get all these women and the hyperboles he keeps talking in) plus the  somewhat typical behavior of seeking s*x with others makes me suspect it is the more serious type.  

 

Is he sleeping?  I know you think he is proud of his savings but while he is in the throws of this mania, excessive spending can happen very quickly.  As people spiral down in this, they start doing very irresponsible things.  My sister would start driving like mad, spending like crazy (she spent her 20K inheritance from my mother's death on paper towels, slurpees, and other junk from the drug store ((not drugs, just stuff you get in drugstores)) ).  She also got into trouble with the law since she got so angry at someone who stole her parking space, she keyed their car right in front of them - totally irrational behavior.  Lack of sleep which people in manic phases often have can cause delusions and hallucinations.  And even in mania, people are at risk of suicide because as stuff spirals out of control, they often alternate between lots of mania with short periods of depression.

 

So number !- if you have any guns, get them out of the house and out of his control NOW

number 2- I am in agreement that you get financial control.  What you can do is go on your bank's website (maybe) and limit debit card expenditures and debit card withdrawals, etc.  If not, try calling the bank and you don't have to say he is mentally ill.  Do the same thing with your cards and say you are concerned about fraud and you have heard about people getting cards hacked and thousands withdrawn so you want that extra protection.  Use me as an example since we have almost 5K stolen from our accounts earlier this month or late last month.  Yes, we got the money back but not for a day.  So fraud as an excuse.

number 3- call the psychiatrist you are scheduled with and explain the urgentness of the situation.  Getting your physician to do it would be even better.  Try to convince your dh to go into the hospital.

number 4- take care of yourself and your children. Get counseling.  At least go to a NAMI meeting,


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#86 PinkTulip

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:37 PM

Just adding another voice of total love and support for you!
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#87 slackermom

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:41 PM

You might find a support group helpful. This is a link to DBSA, the Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance. I linked to the page that talks about support for friends and family:
http://www.dbsallian...support_helpers
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#88 Crimson Wife

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:50 PM

 

Also, I didn't quote the post, but I do agree that keeping it secret definitely makes it more difficult.  When this episode is over I'll try to get him to tell some people so that we can have more support outside.  Though, I don't know anyone in our circles that are "open" to mental illness and don't view it as a weakness. Sure, we should be the strong ones to break the taboo, but practically speaking we didn't want to deal with that. Hindsight is 20/20 though, it'd be nice to have real live people who know his regular self that could be helping us through this. 

 

It is a biochemical imbalance that is no more a "weakness" than someone who has an imbalance of thyroid hormones or insulin or whatever. It's just in the brain rather than the thyroid, pancreas, etc.

 

Our society makes this artificial distinction between mental illness and bodily illness that just hurts those suffering from the former. :thumbdown:


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#89 Mergath

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 04:45 PM

It is a biochemical imbalance that is no more a "weakness" than someone who has an imbalance of thyroid hormones or insulin or whatever. It's just in the brain rather than the thyroid, pancreas, etc.

 

Our society makes this artificial distinction between mental illness and bodily illness that just hurts those suffering from the former. :thumbdown:

 

:iagree:  I have OCD, and the idea that it's somehow a weakness or a character flaw makes me laugh. You have to be a fairly strong person to survive mental illness, whether you're the person suffering or the person caring for them. Weak? Yeah, not so much.


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#90 HTRMom

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 04:54 PM

Oh, gosh. I have an immediate family member with severe bipolar disorder and that's just exactly a classic manic episode, especially "I feel like I'm about to do something bad." I know you don't want advice, but you have my understanding! I will pray that this episode doesn't destroy his family and that it ends soon. If he had some kind of affair, you'd think that would be enough.


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#91 Mergath

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 04:54 PM

Medication doesn't always fix everything, and medications can stop working after a time. You are grossly oversimplifying the situation the OP is dealing with.

 

In general, a person who isn't even willing to try medication isn't going to want to try therapy or anything else, either. And my experience- both my own situation and when it comes to other people I've met over the years- is that with bipolar disorder specifically, medication has a vastly higher success rate than anything else. I would give the same advice, that the OP shouldn't feel bad about leaving if her spouse isn't even willing to try medication.
 


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#92 matrips

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 05:12 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I can only imagine the difficulty in staying strong and upbeat in the face of his words; I think you're being very gracious in handling this so far.

 

After this episode passes and he's communicating normally with you again, can you both go to a lawyer or a psychologist or family doctor and lay down some guidelines for the future?  Something that would allow you an ability/authority to get him help if this happens again?  And for the two of you to discuss what should happen in this kind of situation.  I think I would need to have something to feel protected.  And I would also need to have others know about him.  Is it possible (in the future), to have him agree to set up regular meetings/conferences every so many months, with a familiar psychologist or doctor for the two of you  as a checkin?  


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#93 anonymous5

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 05:24 PM

Deleted for privacy reasons.

Edited by ifIonlyhadabrain, 18 April 2017 - 07:51 PM.


#94 unsinkable

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 05:40 PM

Edited to add: (This was in response to someone who asked me to delete her post after I had quoted her)

I just skimmed the OP's posts and she didn't mention that people in her life would try to pray away the situation, paraphrase or otherwise. She did say she wouldn't get support.

She said she was Catholic, and in general, nowadays, the Church is very supportive of those with mental illness.

Edited to add: To the person I quoted...I'm not seeing what you're seeing.

Edited by unsinkable, 18 April 2017 - 05:52 PM.

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#95 anonymous5

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 05:47 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies, and support.  I'm feeling calmer and its helping me regain some objectivity. I know this can blow up in my face at any time, but I have to keep in mind that he does have active moments of clarity and hopefully that will be enough to prevent any drastic actions on his part. And it's reminding me that I can't control the situation or his actions, which is oddly relieving as well. 
 

 
2-3 months. Usually though the "lead in" is much longer, like 2 months in itself, so I don't know exactly what to expect here.  I think that is why I am reacting more strongly and why I'm not sure how to handle his declarations of leaving.
 

 
His last episode 2 years ago is what got him into treatment and the diagnosis, so there isn't a great trail established other than my memory. 
 
 

 
He does realize the difficulty, and realizes it during the episode as well.  In calmer moments he apologizes and says he doesn't know how I put up with it.  During depressive moments he says its not fair to me and he should leave so I don't have to put up with him. 
 
 

 
Not concerned about violence, towards either the kids or me. Of course, though, I'd put them first if there was any concern.
His family does not know his diagnosis. 
 

 
 
We both have access to finances.  He wants to spend money, but so far his main obsession has been on relationships, and money I think will only come into play if he starts to spend it pursuing that.  Part of his pride in the past 2 years has been the savings he's been able to build up, and the fact that I've been able to come home because of how we maintained finances. I think this is still too much of his self image, even in his current state, that he won't put that into jeopardy. But, I'll monitor the accounts, thank you for the reminder.
 
 
Also, I didn't quote the post, but I do agree that keeping it secret definitely makes it more difficult.  When this episode is over I'll try to get him to tell some people so that we can have more support outside.  Though, I don't know anyone in our circles that are "open" to mental illness and don't view it as a weakness. Sure, we should be the strong ones to break the taboo, but practically speaking we didn't want to deal with that. Hindsight is 20/20 though, it'd be nice to have real live people who know his regular self that could be helping us through this.

  

I just skimmed the OP's posts and she didn't mention that people in her life would try to pray away the situation, paraphrase or otherwise. She did say she wouldn't get support.
She said she was Catholic, and in general, nowadays, the Church is very supportive of those with mental illness.


Read the last paragraph of her post I quoted. Maybe I'm understanding it wrong though.

Would You delete my post quote from your reply too? I'm sorry, I forgot to ask not to quote as I will be deleting later.

#96 anonymous5

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 05:55 PM

Edited to add: (This was in response to someone who asked me to delete her post after I had quoted her)

I just skimmed the OP's posts and she didn't mention that people in her life would try to pray away the situation, paraphrase or otherwise. She did say she wouldn't get support.

She said she was Catholic, and in general, nowadays, the Church is very supportive of those with mental illness.

Edited to add: To the person I quoted...I'm not seeing what you're seeing.


Fair enough. I did mention my post indirectly that I'm probably viewing from my baggage. That is most likely the case.

#97 AnonWife

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 06:03 PM

Edited to add: (This was in response to someone who asked me to delete her post after I had quoted her)

I just skimmed the OP's posts and she didn't mention that people in her life would try to pray away the situation, paraphrase or otherwise. She did say she wouldn't get support.

She said she was Catholic, and in general, nowadays, the Church is very supportive of those with mental illness.

Edited to add: To the person I quoted...I'm not seeing what you're seeing.

 

Re: this part of the topic, you are both kind of right, and I was writing to be a bit general so sorry for the confusion.

 

His family would definitely go the prayer route, despite there being doctors in the family. Mental illness is seen as not asking for God's help.  And, while it's true it would be easier for him if he was leaning up, so to speak, it is certainly not just a lack of faith.

 

My family would see it as a weakness of character. Put your cowboy boots on, suck it up buttercup, grow a spine. So yeah. Not really a sympathetic crowd here, ha. 

 

Someone's mentioned going to the Church.  I'm avoiding talking to my priest about this face to face, to protect my DH I think. But I do agree this is probably where I should go, or at the least I need to talk to someone. This has spiraled really quickly and I haven't reached out yet, but I should. And I'll check out the support links, thanks for that as well. 


Edited by AnonWife, 18 April 2017 - 06:03 PM.

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#98 unsinkable

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 06:04 PM

Fair enough. I did mention my post indirectly that I'm probably viewing from my baggage. That is most likely the case.


That's OK. I'm wearing a suitcase on my head.
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#99 amy g.

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 06:08 PM

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I hope this doesn't come off as not supportive because I do not mean it that way at all but.....

In my experience with the children of a BPD parent, they are damaged by the secrecy as much as by the illness itself.

Praying for you and your family.
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#100 Mothersweets

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 06:10 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: