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DH going through breakdown. Support only, please.


AnonWife

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The person he's texting is some kind of mental health provider? If she is licensed, this could be something to notify the state licensing board. Why on earth would a professional engage in this personal of a manner knowingly with someone in crisis? (I wouldn't until he is somewhere safe and secure. And you know the details better to know whether it's an ethical/professional violation.)

 

:grouphug:

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The person he's texting is some kind of mental health provider? If she is licensed, this could be something to notify the state licensing board. Why on earth would a professional engage in this personal of a manner knowingly with someone in crisis? (I wouldn't until he is somewhere safe and secure. And you know the details better to know whether it's an ethical/professional violation.)

 

:grouphug:

 

She has a degree in psychology, and works in the psychology field. He didn't tell me exactly what she does, though, so idk about licensing and stuff. She's pretty young, I assume [edit] a few years out of college, I don't think she quite gets the stakes, maybe. And I have more uncharitable thoughts on the subject, but that's neither here nor there. 

 

another edit: I just realized I called someone at most 6 years younger than me "pretty young" lol. I've been trying to make excuses for her, too. Sigh. Ya'll are right, I need a break, and I'm looking forward to when he's somewhere safe so that I can take it. 

Edited by Moonhawk
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Just wanted you to know that you are on my "list" that I pray for several times a day. I hate the fact that the list keeps getting longer, but I'm grateful to see how well you are holding together. Remember that it's no crime to put yourself first.

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{{Moonhawk}}. I am so sorry you are going through this. In a similar boat myself only it is an adult child who is mentally ill and delusional, perceiving me as the great oppressor.. There is such a fine line to walk to work toward helping our loved ones get the help they need and preserving ourselves and families in the process. There are no easy answers. Praying.

 

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Praying for you moonhawk! You need the respite of him *away* and in a safe space so you can mentally unwind. I'd worry more if you DIDN'T need a breather!

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Yeah that he talks about inpatient treatment. I know it may mean little as he changes his mind frequently but we can hope.

Meanwhile, do whatever you need to take care of yourself. Again, I hope you take advantage of friends and relatives so you are not carrying this alone IRL.

 

Sounds a little as if his texting partners are withdrawing, perhaps realizing what is going on?

 

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Just sending hugs, and a reminder that love can't cure this, and nothing you do can cure it. I know you know that, but it's still good to have a reminder. It's so easy to think "if he loved me enough he'd fix this" and it doesn't work that way. 

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Just sending hugs, and a reminder that love can't cure this, and nothing you do can cure it. I know you know that, but it's still good to have a reminder. It's so easy to think "if he loved me enough he'd fix this" and it doesn't work that way. 

 

So very true. I nagged DH for years about his medication issues, and it took separation and a major psychotic event to turn it around. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I do have the man I married back.

 

Just to say that sometimes (not always of course), these things do turn around.

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No real change. He's been less unstable the past couple of days, texting continuing to slow to the point idk if he even is anymore. He is sick (actually we are all sick), and I think that it's just sapping his energy. 

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I would call the psych and let them know about the crisis. 3 weeks is not suitable for someone who is not currently stable. I, too, would require meds to stay in my home. My hubby misused his meds so I required him to be off of them to stay in my home. I will not walk on eggshells and I will not pretend 24/7 for my children. He has to help himself before I can help. Same situation here. You can assist him to get the help but if he is unwilling, its not fair that he drag you down. You have other people to care for and his toll .... how long can you carry on? (Hugs). I know this is an impossible situation.

 

 

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So, when you expect something the unexpected happens.

 

I had told myself I only needed to get through May, then it'd be over one way or another. But the best laid plans, etc. We all got sick, very very sick. I'd only taken a kid to ER once before, and DH once the entire time we've been married. We've been to the ER 6 times in the past 8 days. Last week I ended up sending the 3 older kids to my parents to recover, I stayed with DH and baby. The doctors say it was viral. DH developed pneumonia, but hasn't been responding to antibiotics as well as we'd like. Took him to ER again last night after another fever spike, they did give him some more treatments there so am hopeful that rest, the final doses on antibiotics, fluids, etc., will finally kick this thing. He hasn't been able to do anything besides basically walk the triangle from the bed to the tv to the bathroom.

 

He was scheduled to go into inpatient May 30, that obviously didn't happen. He has been closer to "normal" this past week and a half or so. In some ways its harder because I find myself slipping into normal life with him, but need to remind myself this is probably just temporary because he's so sick and has no energy to do anything.

 

And, I don't know what's really going on in his head, ykwim? He hasn't texted for over a week now, nor talked about leaving, or wanting a fresh start. No thoughts of self harm. Most of his "future" talk is about the business and taking the kids on a vacation when we can afford it. I caught him looking at couples therapy books. But, he still hasn't put back on his wedding ring, only sparingly says Love (though does say he misses me and thanks me for everything I'm doing, so there's that at least), and sometimes says things that are at best tone deaf to how they'd affect me. And those therapy books had a heavy hand on "society and spouses need to be more forgiving and understanding of adultery and infidelity" type of vibe -- though I don't know if that was intentional on his part or just what he happened upon first. He admits he feels more normal, but not all the way, and doesn't know if it's permanent and doesn't think it is.  

 

He is still planning on going to inpatient treatment, but because he's lost so much work time already with the illness, plus the recoup time he still needs to go, he will probably have to delay that another week or so.

 

Meanwhile I can't stay at full alert status much longer. I need him out and away, knowing he is safe and getting better. I am feeling the stress of being sick, too, which is coloring my perceptions and also just reducing my energy for dealing with other stressors. I recognize I've only gotten maybe 5 hours of sleep every night this time period, with waking up for either my coughing or someone else's, and I know this is badly affecting my morale. I feel like I should be more grateful for how the past week has gone, but I don't feel like it's actually gotten better, just given a short hiatus. And I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to forgive how these past couple months have gone. I know its a mental illness. I know its not him. I can see the difference in his thinking, and how nonsensical and delusional he is when he's at his worst. And God can forgive anything, and give me the grace to do so as well, so I should be able to get past it. But the longer this drags out, even without active stuff being added to the list, the less I can focus on any happy ending. 3 months shouldn't wreak such havoc on a 10.5 year marriage. It can't wipe out all the good, and can't take away all the rest of the potential good I still want to have. But it sure feels kind of bleak right now, and I just need some space to readjust. And now it looks like it will be so much more time before I get that.

 

Thanks for listening. I'm a bit Debbie Downer right now, but I'm going to go take a shower, eat something, then go hold a baby. I'll be back up and running in no time. 

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3 months of having no solid ground under your feet can't erase the good of the past but it can completely destroy a person's sense of security. You've discovered that your dh behaving in a committed, rational way is not something you can count on.

 

Dealing with that reality is not something that forgiveness can fix, I am afraid. I haven't figured out how to deal with it myself. Maybe if my dh becomes stable and stays mostly stable for many years I will start to feel like reliability and trust are returning to our relationship.

 

Until then I can keep living with as much love and forgiveness and hope as I can manage, but I think there will always be a wariness. It is tiring, but I don't see how it can be any other way.

 

Did I mention already how much I hate mental illness?

 

:(

Edited by maize
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I hope you are continuing to seek good council for you. You will walk past the family illnesses and back to the heart of the problem. Everyone sick is draining, especially when there wasn't much to drain left. If you don't already, get out into nature. Go for walks, swimming, bike rides if possible. Keep your mind and body moving through this difficult time. Getting out in Nature and exercise has a healing property. Focus on you and the kids. Really sorry for what you are going through. Thanks for the update. I've been keeping up with your posts since they started. Just keep swimming!

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I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you. Three months isn't long in the scheme of 10.5 years, you're right. BUT when dealing with a crisis, 24 hours can feel like an eternity, much less 3 months. You've been in crisis mode for 3 months. You're exhausted and depleted. I can understand being Debby Downer. Or T Rex. Or Godzilla or any of a million things I would be that make you seem saint like to me reading your posts. I have no advice. Just hugs and for you to know we are praying for you.

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Sleep deprivation can play a huge number on a person's sense of well-being in the best of times. I can only imagine how low you must be feeling, being sleep deprived with all of this stress on top of it. Being sleep deprived makes all the negative feelings roar all the louder.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish there was a way to lighten your burden for you.

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I'm amazed you've been able to keep going this long, especially being sapped with a baby AND sickness. I think your response is very sensible.

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Praying for you. I hope you are still able to meet with the Stephen minister to get support.  It is only natural that you would feel weary. Also it seems like there would be a form of grieving in there somewhere--possibly grieving that there might not be a quick path out, that it might be a long hard journey, etc.  That is totally natural too.  Please don't worry about being a "downer."  You are in a VERY hard situation and you need support.  No one is expecting you to put on a happy face and walk around saying "I'm blessed!" That would be a lie and not honest with yourself, God or us.  So just come as you are, and we'll do our best to pray over you, care for you, and walk with you through this. 

Edited by cintinative
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Op I don't post that often anymore since my kids are grown.   I've read the thread and your updates trying to decide if I should contribute.  My dh has mental issues.  We have had some really god awful years.   ONLY someone that has lived day to day with someone with mental instability can understand.  

 

I don't want to give advise cause I dont' know what you can handle or your dh's extremes.  YOU are the only one that can decide.

 

I will tell you as someone that stayed married.  We celebrate 27 years this summer.   I can say with all honestly the last 5 are the only completely nonstress good years for me.   There were so many bad/hard  years.  I had so many times making my exit plan but then he would change thing would be good.  Its was a roller coaster way to live.  

 

I protected the kids and gave them stability even when dh was having outburst.   

 

The thing I couldn't change was they learned how to tip-toe around him.  We all changed our behavior to keep him in control.

 

Since he has been stable  the past 5 eyars.  He is a totally different person now but I honestly have a lifetime of resentment  cause I feel like my happy was stolen kwim   

 

My guys are adults now and we discuss a lot of stuff.  Then thing that they both say is they are glad we stayed.  They love there dad and without us they know his life could of been so different. 

 

So just letting you know as someone that lived it.  I pretty much felt like I lived thorugh years of emotional abuse.  I don't know if that was really the best decision for my kids.  I'm a Christian so I felt like God wanted me stay.  When thing were tough he always gave me peace.

 

I also forgot to mention my dh went through the hyper sex stuff  around age 30.   It was before texting and internet so his stuff was going to strip club.  He also did the prostitute thing.   He paid for oral but he said somewhere in his mind he couldn't' do the whole thing.  He knew he was off but couldn't help himself.  This was not him. He was never a sleep around kind of guy.  THe behavior was irrational to him.   I'm glad some part of his sick mind kept him from the whole thing. It was rough for me.  I know at that time if I would of had any support I would of left.  I had a little baby, sick husband and made like 7 dollars an hour  He has had other episodes but with the internet the porn got him through it .   He has now been stable enough no porn or anything for about 8 years. 

 

Its hard sharing our history but I felt like you need to know someone has walked in you shoes.  I know whatever you decide is hard staying or going.  God loves you.  

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

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Caffelattee, thank you for sharing. That takes courage in a culture that still has intense stigma attached to mental health issues, but I don't think we will ever overcome the stigma if more of us do not begin to speak out openly and share our experiences.

 

I'm so glad to hear that your husband has reached a point of stability.

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Everyone is better. DH took one more bad turn since my last post, but the third round of antibiotics seems to have done the trick. Kids are all recovered and back to normal.

 
DH has continued to stabilize to more normal.  More “present†when he’s here. He’s said he misses the kids and feels like he never sees them — finally noticed the separation I was doing for 2 months — and so I’ve been reintegrating family time, etc. It’s been going well. He even asked me what he could do to help one evening that I was pulled in too many directions, and then helped happily. That wouldn’t have happened a few weeks ago, he simply would have left the house saying its too chaotic and he’s not meant to be a dad. No compulsion for suicide or self harm for 2 weeks, and he is fully on board with the idea of medication to try and help his depressed feelings, not a begrudging or you-are-forcing-me attitude. He may think he’s just depressed, though, and sees no other signs of mental instability.
 
No texting or talking about wanting new relationships for about 3 weeks now. He hasn’t mentioned his anti-marriage stance or thoughts recently, idk if he views this as still “the truthâ€, if he is back to pro-marriage, or if he’s just forgotten it altogether. Frankly I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want to reopen the can of worms right now, I’m not sure I can handle a negative response yet, or what my own response would be. All I know is he’s being affectionate, says the L word, and is back to future planning that includes me and kids and our long term goals. No wedding ring, though, and no apology or bringing up anything that touches on this part of the past 3 months. 
 
Despite the good news, there are still areas of concern. He says he feels depressed even when he can see everything is how he wants it. He doesn’t have full control over emotional outbursts and gets worked up quickly (again no physical violence, just 0 to 60 for irritation in 3 seconds flat). 
 
He doesn’t seem to see the severity of what has happened, either. We were talking and he said something about the business being a rollercoaster recently, I replied “Yeah, it’s been a stressful few months.†He responded, “You’ve been stressed, too? Really, why?†I tried to keep my jaw from dropping and just replied with a vague, “Everything that’s been going on, you know, with…everything.†(this wasn’t a time or place we could get into it) He paused for a moment and then said, “Huh. I didn’t mean to worry you or anything. I’m feeling less depressed, I think the worst is over."
 
On meds: He called his caseworker twice requesting to be set up with a psychiatrist to start medication. No reply. So yesterday he decided to go to a hospital to be evaluated and hopefully get a prescription or something. But, now his symptoms are not severe enough to get admitted (even I don’t think there is enough anomalous behavior to warrant it, even though I really really wish they would), so he was discharged after a quick assessment. He emailed his caseworker again after this, hopefully something is set up before either he recovers enough he decides he doesn’t need meds, or he goes back downhill and changes his mind again. 
 
So, that’s where I stand. I’m trying to focus on the positive progress. I know 3 weeks ago I was saying I just wanted the texting to stop, then I could handle everything better. Well, I get my wish, and here I am clamoring for more, ha. Now I want to know “what his intentions are†and if we are starting the recovery process or if his thoughts are still wanting other relationships, etc, and he’s just not acting on them. But I have to focus on the positive and get us both to a better spot, I think, before we can really address this part and try to heal. I’m concerned that, if he really is past it, that he thinks everything is just going back to normal and we don’t need to do anything extra to patch it up. Because he really doesn’t seem to see what’s happened. Maybe he has amnesia? If I were in his shoes I’d certainly consider acting that way to avoid consequences and embarrassment, but I really can’t say any of his behavior points towards acting or avoidance; it’s simply like it didn’t happen. I can’t let this just fade away, but I don’t want to undo any progress made until I’m sure he’s stable and on meds. 
 
So, my mind is boggled and I’m still constantly on alert for signs, but I’m thinking the hurricane is over and now I just have a huge mess to clean up. I’d edit this for succinctness, but the house is waking up so I’m sorry for the length or repitition.
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As always I'm impressed with your patience and your ability to love your husband through all this. And as always, I'm appalled at how difficult it is to get mental health care. I've been through that (and am still going through it) with my daughter.

 

:grouphug:  Still praying for you.

 

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You really need to go with him when he does see a psychiatrist. I would also make sure the doctor has a written account from you of his bipolar behavior and history.

 

If your Dh perceives the problem as depression and presents that way the real problem will not be addressed. He will likely be prescribed antidepressants, which on their own can exacerbate bipolar symptoms.

 

I do not think the professionals are going to get an accurate account of symptoms from your husband; your input here is absolutely critical.

 

I am glad the immediate crisis is subsiding.

Edited by maize
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Do you have an IRL counselor for YOURSELF? It seems like you could really use someone there on the ground with you tonhelpnyou sort through this. You are taking a great deal of responsibility for the current circumstances onto your own shoulders. Seems it would be good to have the advice and assistance of a personal professional, apart from whoever is working with your husband.

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Everyone is better. DH took one more bad turn since my last post, but the third round of antibiotics seems to have done the trick. Kids are all recovered and back to normal.

 
DH has continued to stabilize to more normal.  More “present†when he’s here. He’s said he misses the kids and feels like he never sees them — finally noticed the separation I was doing for 2 months — and so I’ve been reintegrating family time, etc. It’s been going well. He even asked me what he could do to help one evening that I was pulled in too many directions, and then helped happily. That wouldn’t have happened a few weeks ago, he simply would have left the house saying its too chaotic and he’s not meant to be a dad. No compulsion for suicide or self harm for 2 weeks, and he is fully on board with the idea of medication to try and help his depressed feelings, not a begrudging or you-are-forcing-me attitude. He may think he’s just depressed, though, and sees no other signs of mental instability.
 
No texting or talking about wanting new relationships for about 3 weeks now. He hasn’t mentioned his anti-marriage stance or thoughts recently, idk if he views this as still “the truthâ€, if he is back to pro-marriage, or if he’s just forgotten it altogether. Frankly I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want to reopen the can of worms right now, I’m not sure I can handle a negative response yet, or what my own response would be. All I know is he’s being affectionate, says the L word, and is back to future planning that includes me and kids and our long term goals. No wedding ring, though, and no apology or bringing up anything that touches on this part of the past 3 months. 
 
Despite the good news, there are still areas of concern. He says he feels depressed even when he can see everything is how he wants it. He doesn’t have full control over emotional outbursts and gets worked up quickly (again no physical violence, just 0 to 60 for irritation in 3 seconds flat). 
 
He doesn’t seem to see the severity of what has happened, either. We were talking and he said something about the business being a rollercoaster recently, I replied “Yeah, it’s been a stressful few months.†He responded, “You’ve been stressed, too? Really, why?†I tried to keep my jaw from dropping and just replied with a vague, “Everything that’s been going on, you know, with…everything.†(this wasn’t a time or place we could get into it) He paused for a moment and then said, “Huh. I didn’t mean to worry you or anything. I’m feeling less depressed, I think the worst is over."
 
On meds: He called his caseworker twice requesting to be set up with a psychiatrist to start medication. No reply. So yesterday he decided to go to a hospital to be evaluated and hopefully get a prescription or something. But, now his symptoms are not severe enough to get admitted (even I don’t think there is enough anomalous behavior to warrant it, even though I really really wish they would), so he was discharged after a quick assessment. He emailed his caseworker again after this, hopefully something is set up before either he recovers enough he decides he doesn’t need meds, or he goes back downhill and changes his mind again. 
 
So, that’s where I stand. I’m trying to focus on the positive progress. I know 3 weeks ago I was saying I just wanted the texting to stop, then I could handle everything better. Well, I get my wish, and here I am clamoring for more, ha. Now I want to know “what his intentions are†and if we are starting the recovery process or if his thoughts are still wanting other relationships, etc, and he’s just not acting on them. But I have to focus on the positive and get us both to a better spot, I think, before we can really address this part and try to heal. I’m concerned that, if he really is past it, that he thinks everything is just going back to normal and we don’t need to do anything extra to patch it up. Because he really doesn’t seem to see what’s happened. Maybe he has amnesia? If I were in his shoes I’d certainly consider acting that way to avoid consequences and embarrassment, but I really can’t say any of his behavior points towards acting or avoidance; it’s simply like it didn’t happen. I can’t let this just fade away, but I don’t want to undo any progress made until I’m sure he’s stable and on meds. 
 
So, my mind is boggled and I’m still constantly on alert for signs, but I’m thinking the hurricane is over and now I just have a huge mess to clean up. I’d edit this for succinctness, but the house is waking up so I’m sorry for the length or repitition.

 

 

gosh this sounds like my life.  I learned for our stability that I take all stressors as possible away.  I handled, money kids any major life up sets.  When my dad died this past winter I didn't even have him come to the hospital .  He wouldn't of been help. He would of just been someone else to handle.  I've had to be strong and it's lonely..  I basically protected him emotionally from as much stress as I could.  He doesn't have appropriate responses to emotions..  He get overly angry at stuff that doesn't really need the level of his emotions or the opposite withdrawn.

 

I also would also just be afraid to bring up anything cause you didn't know if he would "handle it like a proper adults or go off.  My dh has never been physical violent just those big giant emotional roller coaster.    What I learned is you can bring up the stuff they did wrong but they conveniently don't' remember.    Then months later we would have another issues then he would apologize for the previous one LOL.  I just stop caring.  I decided to enjoy the happy stable man and when he was off just mentally became a "caregiver" and just ignored the crap.    

 

I so understand what you are experience.  Take some time for yourself if possible.   I found finding someone to watch the kids a few hours each Sunday afternoon was a life safer.  I would just go sit a books store or park and just let my mind and emotional rest.

 

You and your family still on my mind.  

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May I suggest that you go to the doctor with him and because there are not enough "signs" at the moment, you take your notes with you so the doctor can read them?  If you have to, copy/paste into a document your posts here, if you didn't have time to take contemporaneous notes, and put them into a document (you don't have to tell that you put them on a discussion board!).  

 

Things are OK now, and please God, may they stay so.  But if it is a roller coaster...  It's sort of like being wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove.  Hope for the best, but be watchful and wise.  You're not going for the Pollyanna Prize; you want a successful and healthy husband, marriage and family--which includes you.

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