I'm a regular poster, but would like to keep this side of my life separate from my public persona.
My DH is in the middle of a meltdown. He has manic depression and has refused medication. We go through this every 2 years or so. This one has come on very suddenly compared to past experiences. 4 weeks ago he said he was afraid he was going to do something stupid. 3 weeks ago he said he started to act out (contact women), but was actively trying to stop the snowball and think logically through it. Now we are in the thick of it.
He is talking about leaving me and the kids (4). He says he never should have gotten married, he isn't supposed to be married, and just followed what he was "supposed to do" and didn't feel like he had a choice. He feels trapped and does;t see himself as a dad. He wants to date, meet new people, and wants permission. He asked directly, I said no. So, he is saying he's not afraid to leave and is tired of trying to fight "who he really is." He says he knows in the past he has changed his mind, but this time he really means it. He says he has "never" been happy and is "always" thinking of leaving.
Well, when he is stable (so basically the past 2 years) he has said the opposite and in February was actually happy with how much progress career and family wise he's made when he doesn't have to deal with this. He continually says the only thing that can hold him back and keep him from succeeding is "that stuff" (i.e. his breakdowns).
No one else knows of his diagnosis. While they may see his temper fluctuate, he's pretty good at acting logical around others.
My parents have never liked him and my mom yelled at him 2 weeks ago -- he yelled back (partially 10 years pent up of a difficult MIL, partially he was already on the downward spiral). Now she thinks he is, to quote, the devil incarnate, insane, a menace to society, and she wouldn't cross the street to save his life. (my relationship with her is a post in itself) So, I can't get any support there, though they would be thrilled if he actually did leave and prove them right. The fact that it is a mental illness holds no water with them and they would probably try to take the kids from me if he did leave but then came back after the episode.
The kids are mostly shielded from this -- he is actually nicer if anything right now with them; I think he is trying to justify he's a good person because "look how good he is with the kids" so it can't be a bad thing he wants to leave. I don't want to put them through this, though, and if he does leave, permanently or just a few weeks, I'm not sure how I would react. If it was just me, sure, I can cope. Idk how it will affect them, though.
I made a mistake this morning and got engaged in a conversation with him emotionally, saying that he isn't acting himself and when he says "life is pointless" then he wasn't himself. I reminded him of his diagnosis. Now he is seeing it as proof I don't care about him, don't take his needs and emotions seriously, and "just see him as some type of lab rat." I know its not my fault, I'm not the problem here, but I don't want to give him fuel to psych himself up to leave. The last thing he said was "F it, I'm tired of jumping thru hoops".
In between these heated conversations, he is making plans for us to go to a work conference together in June and is talking excitedly about some projects we just got. And how to divide up the work. And buying me flowers. So I know we're in the middle of an episode here.
Idk what I'm looking for here. Mostly I need to vent. Maybe I need reassurance I'm not crazy, too. Please don't tell me to get a divorce. We're Catholic but when he's like this he sees the Church as punishing him and as my way to control him or something. He may seek counseling as he comes out of the spiral, but anything I suggest or recommend will automatically be pushed against.
I'm tired of this. I love him, he is a good guy when he's himself. He's a good dad. He's even a good husband. But when we go through this, I just don't know. My consolation is that eventually it will end. But what will the carnage be?