Jump to content


What's with the ads?

Photo
- - - - -

DH going through breakdown. Support only, please.


169 replies to this topic

What's with the ads?

#1 AnonWife

AnonWife

    Hive Mind Larvae

  • Members
  • 8 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 11:56 AM

I'm a regular poster, but would like to keep this side of my life separate from my public persona.

 

My DH is in the middle of a meltdown.  He has manic depression and has refused medication.  We go through this every 2 years or so.  This one has come on very suddenly compared to past experiences.  4 weeks ago he said he was afraid he was going to do something stupid.  3 weeks ago he said he started to act out (contact women), but was actively trying to stop the snowball and think logically through it.  Now we are in the thick of it.

 

He is talking about leaving me and the kids (4).  He says he never should have gotten married, he isn't supposed to be married, and just followed what he was "supposed to do" and didn't feel like he had a choice. He feels trapped and does;t see himself as a dad. He wants to date, meet new people, and wants permission.  He asked directly, I said no.  So, he is saying he's not afraid to leave and is tired of trying to fight "who he really is." He says he knows in the past he has changed his mind, but this time he really means it.  He says he has "never" been happy and is "always" thinking of leaving.

 

Well, when he is stable (so basically the past 2 years) he has said the opposite and in February was actually happy with how much progress career and family wise he's made when he doesn't have to deal with this.  He continually says the only thing that can hold him back and keep him from succeeding is "that stuff" (i.e. his breakdowns).

 

No one else knows of his diagnosis. While they may see his temper fluctuate, he's pretty good at acting logical around others.

 

My parents have never liked him and my mom yelled at him 2 weeks ago -- he yelled back (partially 10 years pent up of a difficult MIL, partially he was already on the downward spiral). Now she thinks he is, to quote, the devil incarnate, insane, a menace to society, and she wouldn't cross the street to save his life.  (my relationship with her is a post in itself)  So, I can't get any support there, though they would be thrilled if he actually did leave and prove them right.  The fact that it is a mental illness holds no water with them and they would probably try to take the kids from me if he did leave but then came back after the episode. 

 

The kids are mostly shielded from this -- he is actually nicer if anything right now with them; I think he is trying to justify he's a good person because "look how good he is with the kids" so it can't be a bad thing he wants to leave.  I don't want to put them through this, though, and if he does leave, permanently or just a few weeks, I'm not sure how I would react.  If it was just me, sure, I can cope. Idk how it will affect them, though.

 

I made a mistake this morning and got engaged in a conversation with him emotionally, saying that he isn't acting himself and when he says "life is pointless" then he wasn't himself.  I reminded him of his diagnosis. Now he is seeing it as proof I don't care about him, don't take his needs and emotions seriously, and "just see him as some type of lab rat." I know its not my fault, I'm not the problem here, but I don't want to give him fuel to psych himself up to leave.  The last thing he said was "F it, I'm tired of jumping thru hoops".

 

In between these heated conversations, he is making plans for us to go to a work conference together in June and is talking excitedly about some projects we just got. And how to divide up the work.  And buying me flowers.  So I know we're in the middle of an episode here.  

 

Idk what I'm looking for here.  Mostly I need to vent.  Maybe I need reassurance I'm not crazy, too.  Please don't tell me to get a divorce. We're Catholic but when he's like this he sees the Church as punishing him and as my way to control him or something. He may seek counseling as he comes out of the spiral, but anything I suggest or recommend will automatically be pushed against. 

 

I'm tired of this. I love him, he is a good guy when he's himself. He's a good dad.  He's even a good husband.  But when we go through this, I just don't know. My consolation is that eventually it will end.  But what will the carnage be?

 



#2 Joules

Joules

    Hive Mind Level 3 Worker: Honeymaking Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1852 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:01 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: There is nothing I can say that would help.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.



#3 Amy in NH

Amy in NH

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 5368 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:02 PM

Sorry to say I would require him to get and stay on medications in order for me to continue a marriage with someone so unstable.  Sorry.


  • Lady Florida., 8circles, jewellsmommy and 10 others like this

#4 transientChris

transientChris

    Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 9911 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:02 PM

Nothing but love for you here.  Certainly sounds like a manic episode to me.  I know I would be tempted to get something like Lamictal and crush it into his food. But I bet that tastes bad and he would know and it would backfire.  Does he have a psychiatrist who would take your call?  


  • dirty ethel rackham, Anne, jewellsmommy and 4 others like this

#5 gardenmom5

gardenmom5

    Amateur Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 17829 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:03 PM

I'm so sorry.   I think I remember reading some comments about this before - so I do believe you.

 

does he have a therapist he will talk to at this point in his spiral/swing?  someone outside who can help him see a more detached perspective and

 

hugs and prayers.


  • jewellsmommy likes this

#6 umsami

umsami

    Empress of Messiness, but not a hoarder

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 9017 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:06 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

What about involuntary committing him to have his meds adjusted?  Can you talk to his psychiatrist regarding meds and options?

 

 


  • Amy in NH, Anne in CA, mamaraby and 4 others like this

#7 poppy

poppy

    Apprentice Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6484 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:06 PM

I'm so sorry.  Being bipolar makes you very selfish. You have to support him AND the family AND be his punching bag--- or rather, you don't, but, you are being that person for him right now.  I'm sorry. It is not at all fair. 

 

Editing out some negativity...... it doesn't help and wasn't as supportive as I intended. I  will instead say this. I am the one who needs a supportive spouse when things flair up. And I am so grateful to have him.  It is not at all easy.    Be good to yourself.

 


Edited by poppy, 18 April 2017 - 12:12 PM.

  • BellaMama, Anne, Pink and Green Mom and 2 others like this

#8 Leav97

Leav97

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1291 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:07 PM

:grouphug:  I'm sorry.



#9 Arcadia

Arcadia

    Hive Mind Royal Larvae

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 14588 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:09 PM

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

#10 Kinsa

Kinsa

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8647 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:11 PM

You absolutely have the right attitude about this. This is the illness; it's not about you. I hope you can hang tough for his sake, for the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your family. Easier said than done, I realize.

Edited by Kinsa, 18 April 2017 - 12:11 PM.

  • Tina, BellaMama, Anne and 14 others like this

#11 Greta

Greta

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6678 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:11 PM

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  :grouphug:


  • jewellsmommy likes this

#12 LucyStoner

LucyStoner

    Gag me with a spork.

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 19603 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:12 PM

That's very tough. How long does this generally last?

#13 LucyStoner

LucyStoner

    Gag me with a spork.

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 19603 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:14 PM

:grouphug: :grouphug:


What about involuntary committing him to have his meds adjusted? Can you talk to his psychiatrist regarding meds and options?


It doesn't sound like, at least from what was shared in the post, that he's a danger to himself or others so involuntary commitment is probably not an option.

You can call his doctor and let the doctor know about the situation. Does he see someone regularly for medication management?
  • Anne, Lady Florida., mamaraby and 3 others like this

#14 Carol in Cal.

Carol in Cal.

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 15098 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:14 PM

I'm so sorry, this is horribly difficult.  

 

I pray for stability for him, and for safety and strength for you.


  • jewellsmommy likes this

#15 Pawz4me

Pawz4me

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8273 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:15 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:



#16 Liz CA

Liz CA

    Apprentice Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 12038 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:15 PM

Are there other people in your/his life he would be willing to listen to? A good friend, colleage, family members on his side? Sometimes it matters from where/whom the "advice" comes.


  • jewellsmommy likes this

#17 creekland

creekland

    Retired homeschooler!

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 21371 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:15 PM

:grouphug:  Just offering you support. I hope this episode passes quickly.  I'm sorry it's happening.  He's lucky to have you there IMO - being understanding, etc.   :grouphug:


  • Tina, Ravin and 8circles like this

#18 Erica H

Erica H

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1043 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:15 PM

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how stressful this must be.  


  • Tina likes this

#19 AnonWife

AnonWife

    Hive Mind Larvae

  • Members
  • 8 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:16 PM

Nothing but love for you here.  Certainly sounds like a manic episode to me.  I know I would be tempted to get something like Lamictal and crush it into his food. But I bet that tastes bad and he would know and it would backfire.  Does he have a psychiatrist who would take your call?  

 

 

I'm so sorry.   I think I remember reading some comments about this before - so I do believe you.

 

does he have a therapist he will talk to at this point in his spiral/swing?  someone outside who can help him see a more detached perspective and

 

hugs and prayers.

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

What about involuntary committing him to have his meds adjusted?  Can you talk to his psychiatrist regarding meds and options?

 

 

Re: psychiatrist/ psychologist: our insurance changed twice in the past year so his treatment has been interrupted. When we got new insurance in January he immediately started the process to qualify for mental health treatment. He had 1 prelim appt but no actual treatment -- I think the earliest he could get in is 3 weeks from now.  It's scheduled. But, now he is mad at psychologists/psychiatrists for not helping him, they should have done more, they could have listened to him instead of judge him, they don't know what they're doing, they are trying to force him to be someone he's not, etc. So idk if he will go thru with appt.  Hopefully the worst of the episode will have passed by then and he will see the need for treatment again.  

 

His field is in art, he has refused medication in the past because he doesn't want it to affect his work.  And in the past it hasn't been this serious. On the outside, most people would probably see a guy in a mid life crisis who wants to leave his wife.  Don't know if I can get him committed for that, ha. At best I'd be seen as biased. 


  • umsami likes this

#20 Seasider

Seasider

    anchored

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 7595 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:18 PM

(((Anon)))

#21 Liz CA

Liz CA

    Apprentice Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 12038 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:20 PM

 

His field is in art, he has refused medication in the past because he doesn't want it to affect his work.  And in the past it hasn't been this serious. On the outside, most people would probably see a guy in a mid life crisis who wants to leave his wife.  Don't know if I can get him committed for that, ha. At best I'd be seen as biased. 

 

Is there a record of past treatment / episodes? Physicians should be able to piece a picture together from his record and not view you as biased or just desperate to keep your family together.


  • Anne, jewellsmommy, MotherGoose and 2 others like this

#22 AnonWife

AnonWife

    Hive Mind Larvae

  • Members
  • 8 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:24 PM

Are there other people in your/his life he would be willing to listen to? A good friend, colleage, family members on his side? Sometimes it matters from where/whom the "advice" comes.

 

No one else knows about the diagnosis, so that makes it tricky.  and this particular episode is being characterized by a bit of paranoia and anger that other people have made life choices for him.  For example, I forced him to get married.  My parents forced him to buy a house. I forced him to have kids. His parents forced him to be responsible as a teenager. His brothers talked him into marrying me. His friends convinced him its normal to have one sexual partner for your life. 

 

There is cognitive dissonance in that he is hyper focusing on what society says is okay (he's cherry picking here, of course) on open relationships, having affairs, being able to travel, spend a lot of money, a limit on how many kids are acceptable, while saying he is tired of having other people make choices for him.

 

To be fair, and not to demonize him, there are problems we need to address, and have been working on constructively and together.  Right now, though, he doesn't want to work on anything or fix anything or even make it better.  He just wants to leave. He acknowledges that he is trapped, even if he left, he's still have to pay child support, his family would disown him, he'd be a pariah here, and he would miss the kids sometimes. But, all of these thoughts seem to just make him even more angry and more determined to go through with it, so that he feels listened to and that he is in control of his life. 


  • Liz CA and umsami like this

#23 Janeway

Janeway

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2852 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:25 PM

Very sorry for all you are going through.

#24 Margaret in CO

Margaret in CO

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 16282 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:25 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:



#25 saraha

saraha

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1481 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:30 PM

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:



#26 sheryl

sheryl

    Daughter of the One, True King!!!

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 5868 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:34 PM

When I finish this reply, I'm going to pray for you.

 

No answers here.

 

Who diagnosed him?  Was this an official one from a psychiatrist?  Does he have another condition in addition to or instead of bi-polar?

 

Just throwing ideas out there.

 

I'm very concerned for you and your kids b/c you might not know what he is capable of doing.  IOW, would he try to inflict harm upon you or your kids?

 

YOU NEED to get him help!  For all of your sakes. 

 

Does he have relatives who would help?  An intervention type?  He's not thinking clearly which warrants some kind of action QUICKLY!  Retesting, med, counseling, etc.

 

Hugs


Edited by sheryl, 19 April 2017 - 07:20 AM.

  • Anne and jewellsmommy like this

#27 Audrey

Audrey

    Member since the old, old boards

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11512 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:39 PM

I'm very sorry for your situation.  I wish I had something more than sympathy to offer.  I think there are a few folks here who have bipolar spouses.  I hope some will chime in or PM with you.  Do take care of yourself, too.   :grouphug:


  • Lady Florida. and swimmermom3 like this

#28 Annie G

Annie G

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 7251 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:49 PM

:grouphug:



#29 Selkie

Selkie

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 881 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:49 PM

:grouphug:  I'm so sorry you're having to endure such an awful situation. You sound very concerned about your husband's well-being, and I hope you are also thinking of yourself and what's best for you.



#30 Lanny

Lanny

    Powered by Banana Splits

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 5571 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:50 PM

"He has manic depression and has refused medication" ...   I'm not a Psychiatrist, but from what little I know (I have Severe P.T.S.D.), I believe that is a very very very very  serious diagnosis.  To me, refusing medication would be reason for him to be in a Psychiatric Ward in a hospital, where they can get him stabilized.    GL with this!


  • swimmermom3, onelittlemonkey and bubblegum like this

#31 tcb

tcb

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1034 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:51 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds very difficult. You sound very strong and together despite being in such a tough spot. I will definitely be praying for you - for strength and that you will have the wisdom you need to deal with this. I will be praying for your precious children too.


  • Tina, BellaMama, Anne and 1 other like this

#32 Amira

Amira

    In a maze of beige

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8413 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:52 PM

:grouphug:

#33 happi duck

happi duck

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8065 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:57 PM

Many (hugs)

#34 J-rap

J-rap

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10117 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:59 PM

I'm very sorry.  You sound like a tough cookie.  I'm glad you know it's not really about YOU.  What does he say when the episodes are over?  Does he realize how hard they are on you?  

 

Mental illnesses are so difficult, but I've seen cases of people finally getting the help they need and their lives totally changing (for the best) in ways they never thought possible.

 

Best of luck to you!


  • Tina and MercyA like this

#35 Reluctant Homeschooler

Reluctant Homeschooler

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1243 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:59 PM

Re: psychiatrist/ psychologist: our insurance changed twice in the past year so his treatment has been interrupted. When we got new insurance in January he immediately started the process to qualify for mental health treatment. He had 1 prelim appt but no actual treatment -- I think the earliest he could get in is 3 weeks from now.  It's scheduled. But, now he is mad at psychologists/psychiatrists for not helping him, they should have done more, they could have listened to him instead of judge him, they don't know what they're doing, they are trying to force him to be someone he's not, etc. So idk if he will go thru with appt.  Hopefully the worst of the episode will have passed by then and he will see the need for treatment again.  

 

His field is in art, he has refused medication in the past because he doesn't want it to affect his work.  And in the past it hasn't been this serious. On the outside, most people would probably see a guy in a mid life crisis who wants to leave his wife.  Don't know if I can get him committed for that, ha. At best I'd be seen as biased. 

 

Regarding the appointment, can you contact the insurance company or your family doctor and see if there's anything they can do to help him be seen earlier? Perhaps there's something that can be done for a patient in crisis. Best wishes to you as you deal with this heavy load.

 

ETA: I meant to write "family doctor" not "family." That's what I getting for rushing to write before I head out the door.


Edited by Reluctant Homeschooler, 18 April 2017 - 07:44 PM.

  • jewellsmommy, Plink, mamaraby and 3 others like this

#36 goldberry

goldberry

    In a Handbasket

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8351 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:02 PM

:grouphug:  Mental illness just sucks.  So destructive and heartbreaking.  


  • Plink likes this

#37 SusanC

SusanC

    Hive Mind Level 4 Worker: Builder Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2694 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:05 PM

((Hugs)) I hope that *you* have a therapist or someone you can talk to irl. We all support you, but it probably isn't the same, and most of us are not qualified to provide professional help. You need a live person in your corner.
  • Ravin, umsami and Selkie like this

#38 unsinkable

unsinkable

    AD QUEM IBIMUS

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 16635 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:05 PM

No one else knows about the diagnosis, so that makes it tricky. and this particular episode is being characterized by a bit of paranoia and anger that other people have made life choices for him. For example, I forced him to get married. My parents forced him to buy a house. I forced him to have kids. His parents forced him to be responsible as a teenager. His brothers talked him into marrying me. His friends convinced him its normal to have one sexual partner for your life.

There is cognitive dissonance in that he is hyper focusing on what society says is okay (he's cherry picking here, of course) on open relationships, having affairs, being able to travel, spend a lot of money, a limit on how many kids are acceptable, while saying he is tired of having other people make choices for him.

To be fair, and not to demonize him, there are problems we need to address, and have been working on constructively and together. Right now, though, he doesn't want to work on anything or fix anything or even make it better. He just wants to leave. He acknowledges that he is trapped, even if he left, he's still have to pay child support, his family would disown him, he'd be a pariah here, and he would miss the kids sometimes. But, all of these thoughts seem to just make him even more angry and more determined to go through with it, so that he feels listened to and that he is in control of his life.

This is really scary. He feels trapped in a life he thinks he didn't choose for himself and sees his choices as really no choice at all IOW, out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I'm afraid he'd do something desperate and violent, bc what would he have to lose?

I'd seriously think of either...leaving him (and taking kids with you) until he gets stabilized on medication or staying and having him leave until he gets stabilized on medication.

Did I miss something...where is his family? Do they know his diagnosis?

Edited by unsinkable, 18 April 2017 - 01:06 PM.

  • Amy in NH, Fifiruth, ashfern and 1 other like this

#39 bibiche

bibiche

    Hive Mind Larvae

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 2274 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:06 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this. Practically speaking, who has control of the finances? Does he have a history of spending wildly during his episodes? If so, is there a way to prevent that?


  • Amy in NH, 8circles, Spryte and 7 others like this

#40 Patty Joanna

Patty Joanna

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8495 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:06 PM

(((YOU))) and your family, and even your dh, who sounds afflicted.  

 

Do you have support from your parish/priest?  The Catholic Church has some good helps for understanding marriage in the instance of mental illness.  Just a thought.  

 

God be with you and give you strength and wisdom.

 


  • Liz CA, dirty ethel rackham, Anne and 2 others like this

#41 Liz CA

Liz CA

    Apprentice Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 12038 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:07 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this. Practically speaking, who has control of the finances? Does he have a history of spending wildly during his episodes? If so, is there a way to prevent that?

 

This may be important. I had not thought about this. It may be necessary for you to separate accounts to protect him, yourself and your children.

This is such a tough situation. :grouphug:


  • NorthwestMom and umsami like this

#42 Spryte

Spryte

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8733 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:11 PM

What an agonizing situation. I'm so very sorry you are walking this path. I have a bipolar (adult) son, and know how hard it can be. Bipolar has touched my life deeply - more times and people than I can count, but it didn't hit my immediate family till our son was diagnosed. That experience has been eye opening. A bipolar spouse would be so difficult.

I have nothing terribly constructive to add, just support for you. Please pay close attention to self care for yourself.

I'm familiar with the fear that medication will change one's art, impacting a career. I understand that, but the artists I have seen who found the right med combo are still brilliant. Not that you can tell your DH that right now. A great therapist might be able to, when DH is ready to go to therapy.

The one tiny idea I can offer you, that might help, is to open up about this. It doesn't need to be a secret. Keeping it secret perpetuates the taboo we have about talking about it. But beyond that - and more importantly - you need support. For yourself. What you are doing is hard! You need your own kick butt therapist, in your corner. And other people around you, if they know, will help you in supporting your DH. If others know, they will help you stay strong, they will pick up the slack when you are down, they will find different words when talking to him. He will hear them differently. But if stays secret - you stay isolated. And that makes it all harder.
  • dirty ethel rackham, Patty Joanna, Amy in NH and 14 others like this

#43 Quill

Quill

    Team Introvert - Captain

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 15503 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:13 PM

This is probably too small to be uesful, but when people say "always" or "never," it can sometimes help the, if you reflect back their own definitve words in a questioning tone. So:

"I have ALWAYS known I am not meant to be married."
Always? Really, all of the time, always?"

Sometimes this makes a person reflect a little and they often backpeddle and say, "Well, maybe not ALWAYS, but I think that a lot of the time."

It probably won't help much, but it could possibly help him see that he is being irrational. The more people use always and never, the more they pyschologically entrench themselves in their belief that they are right. Sometimes just planting that seed can help them say, "Well, maybe not *always*."

But mental illness is devilishly stubborn and you just can't have a rational discussion with someone who is being irrational.
  • dirty ethel rackham, Amy in NH, BellaMama and 6 others like this

#44 Cinder

Cinder

    Amateur Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 9116 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:14 PM

  and this particular episode is being characterized by a bit of paranoia and anger that other people have made life choices for him. 

 

Some friends of ours went through similar. The dh has bipolar and had been on meds but stopped because things seemed to be better and he decided he didn't need the meds after all. That's when it got bad--there was a lot of anger over not feeling in control of his life. It was rough for awhile but did get better once he understood he needed the meds all the time and decided not to stop taking them.

 

:grouphug:  I hope your dh gets the help he needs to get better. :grouphug:



#45 Scarlett

Scarlett

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 17636 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:16 PM

I am sorry. I hate this for you and your kids and yes your Dh too.
  • Tina likes this

#46 lauraw4321

lauraw4321

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 511 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:20 PM

You need to take action to protect yourself. Withdraw some cash and put it somewhere safe. Ask him to leave. If he doesn't, leave. Make sure weapons are not accessible. It is his illness, not him, but you still have to be responsible for your kids. Tell at least some IRL person you trust. Now is not the time for secrecy and saving face. When he gets stabilized, he will come back to you. Whatever happens in the meantime can be addressed then.
  • Amy in NH, ashfern and slackermom like this

#47 ktgrok

ktgrok

    Apprentice Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 18147 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:37 PM

No one else knows about the diagnosis, so that makes it tricky.  and this particular episode is being characterized by a bit of paranoia and anger that other people have made life choices for him.  For example, I forced him to get married.  My parents forced him to buy a house. I forced him to have kids. His parents forced him to be responsible as a teenager. His brothers talked him into marrying me. His friends convinced him its normal to have one sexual partner for your life. 

 

There is cognitive dissonance in that he is hyper focusing on what society says is okay (he's cherry picking here, of course) on open relationships, having affairs, being able to travel, spend a lot of money, a limit on how many kids are acceptable, while saying he is tired of having other people make choices for him.

 

 

 

Oh wow. My ex husband, also with mental illness but not bipolar as far as I know, would say pretty much EXACTLY the same things. It was so incredibly hurtful. I'm so so so sorry. This is gas lighting, it's not you. It's not real. It's the illness. 

 

Sending love and hugs. 

 

I couldn't last through it, and although I hope you get through it, if you don't, I can say that divorce wasn't the awful thing I thought it would be. I mean, it was hard, but no harder than staying together, really. And our life is good now. (also fyi, mental illness at time of the marriage is grounds for an annulment. Not at all saying you should do that, but letting you know it is an option if he leaves or things get worse.)


  • Amy in NH, Anne, Laura in CA and 5 others like this

#48 Minerva

Minerva

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1152 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:38 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:



#49 Crimson Wife

Crimson Wife

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 17907 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:42 PM

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

My dad had a cousin with schizophrenia and who would be fine while on his meds, decide to stop taking them, spiral out of control, and wind up hospitalized for the 72 hours that can be done without the person's consent. Eventually the family was able to get him into an assisted living situation where he was reasonably stable.

 

Mental illness when the patient is in denial about the need for continuous treatment is so, so hard. :(



#50 Carol in Cal.

Carol in Cal.

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 15098 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:43 PM

I think the earliest he could get in is 3 weeks from now.  It's scheduled. But, now he is mad at psychologists/psychiatrists for not helping him, they should have done more, they could have listened to him instead of judge him, they don't know what they're doing, they are trying to force him to be someone he's not, etc.

Shoot, *I'm* mad at them for not helping him better.  This is a crisis situation that they are acting like it's not.  Ugh.  I hate medical insurance.  Can't live with it, can't live without it.  Very sorry to hear this!


  • ifIonlyhadabrain likes this