Updated in Post #53: Neighbor with dementia . . . how to help?

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 FIL claims to be very concerned about my neighbor but yet I've seen him repeatedly turn her away from his door in the evenings and last week my children witnessed him walking her back home and then yelling at her when she tried to follow him back across the street.  The location of his house is one of the problems because she has to cross our busy road to get to his house.

 

That needs to be one of the things that is recorded.  Not to try and get him in trouble or to cause strife between father and son but because this woman is the one who needs to be protected, not the men in this particular situation. 

[TravelingChris]

If you see her wondering again, call the police again to get documentation and also get social services involved.  Many families are not necessarily trying to do the wrong thing but really don't recognize how serious this is.  Not only that, but there are actually medicines now that can at least slow down progression.  You would think that the first police call would have done it.  But the police need to talk to the husband if it happens again.  They can quite strongly suggest that he take her to the doctor and get her help.  She obviously cannot be left alone.

[Tenaj]

Thought I'd update the situation with my elderly neighbor:    
 
My neighbor has not been seen wandering the neighborhood since the night I called 911.  Not sure if it was my action, or coincidence, but  her husband still works second shift but  now either takes her to his brother's home for those hours, or brother comes and spends the time with her at her house.  It seems to be a great solution to the problem.  I have talked to her a few times in passing and she seems much happier, content and coherent!  It's amazing what loneliness can do to a person's mental health.
 
She's also been to at least one dr. per her husband but I didn't press him for too many details since I'm not being directly affected by the problem anymore.
 
I'm so happy and relieved that she is being properly cared for at this point.

[Selkie]

That is great news! I'm so glad you intervened to help her!

[Susan in KY]

nm I should've read page two.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Susan in KY

[Catwoman]

That is great news! I'm so glad you intervened to help her!

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Seasider]

That is great news! I'm so glad you intervened to help her!

Yes! I am so happy to hear that this has been remedied! Thanks for taking the time to be involved as a concerned neighbor.

[Guest]

Very glad to read this, Jan.

[Mom25girls]

Jan, thank you so much for caring and for getting involved.  :grouphug:

[Ottakee]

That is great news.

[Rebel Yell]

So happy to hear this.

[Little Nyssa]

Just for comparison... my MIL has a lesser degree of dementia than what you are describing, and she now lives in a locked memory-care facility.

Also: when we talked this over with the local Alzheimer's Association (they are WONDERFUL) they told me that it's a common syndrome that relatives living with the person, or close by, often don't realize the severity of things. Because they are compensating for it themselves, and because it tends to get worse so gradually.

We who were not living nearby (or you as a neighbor) would see things more objectively.

[Tenaj]

You're not going to believe this!  I posted the update on Wednesday afternoon at around 2:30.  Within two hours, I was in my kitchen doing supper preparation and was interrupted by my neighbor lady who had walked in my front door without knocking and made her way into the kitchen!   LOL!   

 

She came over multiple times in a row Wedesday because her brother-in-law was mowing and then tonight she snuck out on him, walked into our garage door and joined us at the table for supper.  He had been watching TV and fell asleep so she must have gotten bored.  Poor guy was embarrassed when I walked her back home but he looks exhausted.  He's spending 10 hours a day with her.  I tried to encourage him but I'm not sure how long he's going to last with this situation.  

 

Not sure what I'm going to do about the no-knocking development.  It's hard for me to keep the doors locked when the weather is nice because the kids are in and out all day.  

 

I did have to laugh at one of our conversations on Wednesday.  I commented that I had seen her visiting with her father-in-law earlier in the day and she responded that it was the first time she had met him and that she thought he would be a nice neighbor.  She went on to explain that not all neighbors are very welcoming any more and I agreed.  Then she mentioned my husband and I by name and said that she used to visit with us all the time but that we weren't very friendly and she wasn't going to talk to us any more.  Putting it together, I'm guessing her husband was trying to get her to stay home while he was at work and told her to quit bothering us all the time.  I just laughed and agreed with her that not all neighbors enjoy visiting.  

[Storygirl]

First of all, your neighbor has a great BIL!!

 

Secondly, he needs some additional help. If you are in a position to offer friendly advice, you could suggest a couple of things. First, they can buy door alarms that will ring when she opens the door. There are inexpensive, stick-on versions that can be purchased cheaply online or at a hardware store. For something like $8, they can greatly increase their peace of mind and limit her wandering.

 

Secondly, you could mention that it is not uncommon for people with dementia to wander, and that the local Alzheimer's Association might have some really good resources and ideas that they could use.

 

Thirdly, depending on what is available in your area, there may be a senior day care option available, where she could go to somewhere for part of the day to do crafts and activities with other seniors that need supervision (this is different than a typical senior center). The one that my dad considered for Mom prorated the fees, depending upon income.

 

You are sweet to help her so patiently, but I know it is a burden on you to handle this issue so often. Hopefully they can find more resources to make things safer.

[ktgrok]

Agree with the day care option. My mom, who was nurse and has worked in geriatrics all her life still needed a break when she was caring for my grandma, and utilized one. It was a lovely set up, held at a local church. They even had holiday events, etc. 

[Tenaj]

First of all, your neighbor has a great BIL!!

 

Secondly, he needs some additional help. If you are in a position to offer friendly advice, you could suggest a couple of things. First, they can buy door alarms that will ring when she opens the door. There are inexpensive, stick-on versions that can be purchased cheaply online or at a hardware store. For something like $8, they can greatly increase their peace of mind and limit her wandering.

 

Secondly, you could mention that it is not uncommon for people with dementia to wander, and that the local Alzheimer's Association might have some really good resources and ideas that they could use.

 

Thirdly, depending on what is available in your area, there may be a senior day care option available, where she could go to somewhere for part of the day to do crafts and activities with other seniors that need supervision (this is different than a typical senior center). The one that my dad considered for Mom prorated the fees, depending upon income.

 

You are sweet to help her so patiently, but I know it is a burden on you to handle this issue so often. Hopefully they can find more resources to make things safer.

 

Yes, the brother-in-law is an awesome person!  She told me yesterday that she just loves "_________" because he's so kind to her.

 

I'll mention the door alarms if it comes up.  That's  a good idea and I'm wondering how long it will be before she wanders while her husband is sleeping either at night or in the morning.

 

They've been searching for a day care option but the problem is that the husband works second shift and there is absolutely nothing available for those hours.  I'm not sure if they've considered using a day care for half of the day (her husband leaves for work around 1 p.m.).  Her husband is trying to get changed to a first shift - at least that's what the brother told me yesterday - then she would go to an adult day care facility.  I'm not sure about this though because the last time I talked to the husband he said they had offered him first shift but at his facility first shift is janitorial work and he didn't want that.

 

It really hasn't been bad dealing with her lately.  I just thought the timing of my update and then her next visit after a month's absence was hilarious.