Introverts: how do you learn to respond on the fly?

[Jennifer132]

Okay, so I'm an introvert. I'm one of those people, that after an interaction, I'll go home and replay the scenario and think of all the better things I could've said. It's not like that for every conversation, but it can be that way especially for unexpected ones.

 

So today I was at our parish for the Lenten mission. Our priest came over and was interacting with my children, he told a few stories to them, but he seems to be introverted too, so I was surprised that he was hanging around for so long. (In hindsight I can see how he was probably waiting for my husband to come over so he could say something to us at the same time).

 

So the priest finishes talking to the kids, and he turns to me (my husband never came back until the end of the conversation) and he said, "I was at Barnes and Noble the other day getting some children's books. I read them to the kids at the parish school". I smiled and nodded, but wasn't sure what to say. And then he goes, "so we have some extra money, and we'd like to bring your family into the school next year".

 

It is a truly generous offer, as we have four school aged children. We homeschool, and always have, so it was not something I'd ever considered before. And I wasn't expecting him to say that at all! I'm sure I turned red, and I hesitated, and then I stupidly said, "I...really like homeschooling".

 

I know. Worst answer ever. I was able to back pedal and thank him and say how flattered I was, and if they were in public schools, I would send them to the parish school if I had the money, etc.

 

 

But I left the conversation feeling like I said all the wrong things and in the wrong order. And that's not a new feeling for me.

 

So question. What are some ways I can learn to respond when I'm surprised by the turn of the conversation, and so avoid rehashing everything over when I get home?

[amy g.]

I think your answer was actually very good, so I must be even worse at this than you are. LOL.

[Peaceseeker]

I tend to have a stand by like "how lovely....let me think about that and get back to you" or "Thank you, how very generous, I need some time to discuss that with my family and get back to you"

 

You can use this for so many things...unexpected play dates requests, being drafted as a volunteer, family stuff, your boss asking for a commitment at work. Basically I have learned to give myself a little margin, a little time to think any thing over. Most people do not need an answer right away so don't feel obligated to give them one.

 

Even if you know you are totally going to say no, it allows you the time to come up with a more tactful refusal. Just give a quick, gentle acknowledgement of whatever they are asking and then ask for time to think it over, talk with your husband, check your calendar, etc...Then follow up when you have had time to think out a response.

 

Great for people pleasers and those of us who put our feet in our mouth frequently.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I agree with Amy G.! There is nothing wrong with being totally astounded, and then kind of gently stammering, "I...I...really like homeschooling..."

 

Maybe in the movies, the writers would have had the mother praise the school, give thanks for the offer, and THEN say what she felt, but the point is that you got it all in there, without there being any writers to help you.

[Jaybee]

"I'll have to think about that." 

 

One I use often if someone asks me for advice or for what I think about something is: "I can/will give you my first impression/thought on it, but I usually can give a much better or more accurate answer if I have a few days to think about it. So I may come back with my 'real' answer in a few days."

Edited March 29, 2017 by Jaybee

[Tanaqui]

I agree with other posters - have a few set phrases for unexpected conversational turns, and practice them until they sound natural. "Oh, what an interesting idea! I'll have to discuss that with my husband!" and "Let me think about that and then I'll get back to you!" and "Can you give me more information? I like to make informed decisions" all work nicely for a variety of situations. (I especially use the last one when prompted to donate to charity at a checkout counter. I never, ever donate to a charity without researching it first.)

 

With that said, I think your response was just fine. It was honest, and it wasn't insulting to the parish school. I'm sure your priest has heard all sorts of awkward things in his job.

 

And you know what? I bet he didn't even notice. I was talking to the girls the other day, because the older one was crying over some stupid thing she said and how stupid it made her sound in front of her friends. I didn't have any prep time for this conversation, so I jumped right in with the truth - "I'm 34 years old, and I still remember dozens of stupid things I said and did as a teen that make me absolutely cringe. And those cringey moments didn't stop at adolescence either, ha, they still happen all the time." (Yeah, I'm great at this, right?) "But! The silver lining is this. Everybody I've ever met also has a lot of humiliating memories, some of which  they claim I witnessed - but I don't remember a single one of them. Which, logically speaking, means your friends won't remember your humiliating moments either, because they'll be too busy reliving their own in the mental cinema of doom. So cheer up, sweetie! You might not escape your personal bloopers reel, but everybody else will."

 

Probably could've phrased that a bit better, but the moral is sound. If your priest even noticed, he probably only noticed his role in the awkwardness, and spent a good amount of time kicking himself for putting you on the spot and maybe offending you. Just like you, but worse, because he's supposed to be a trained professional!

[SKL]

Your response was not bad, though the "thank you" could have come first.  :)

 

I am very bad at talking on the fly, but I've gotten better over the years.

 

The biggest hurdle was to believe that I'm actually not the stupidest person on the planet, that I'm pretty competent and normal and not an embarrassment to everyone who meets me.  :)  Most of the time, my best is good enough.  Some people even like me.  So, "I'm good enough" is my starting point.

 

I try to smile and listen.  In most conversations, smiling and listening are about 2/3 of your responsibility anyway.  :)

 

It's OK to pause and collect your thoughts before you respond.

 

If you can't think of anything to say, it may be easier to think of something to ask.  In this case, "oh how nice.  How many children are in your school right now?  Do you do anything part-time with homeschoolers?"

 

If you aren't ready to decide something, "thanks for thinking about us.  We will definitely be in contact / whom should we contact about this?"

[6packofun]

Unrelated to the introvert/extrovert aspect:  Did he not know that you homeschool?  Because if he didn't, I think saying,"Oh, we're a homeschooling family and it's working very well for us, but thank you so much for thinking of us and for your generosity!" is a fine type of response.  If he DID know...I'd be wondering why he thought I'd want to change educational methods.  LOL  But I tend to overthink.  ;)

 

I like the above suggestion to ask if they do any part-time activities or classes with homeschoolers IF that's something you're interested in.

[Anne in CA]

I think what you said was just fine. You were shocked. That was a pretty gracious response when you were surprised. I would never take such a large gift. Being so indebted to these people would really make me unhappy. I wouldn't be able to sleep. 

[happi duck]

Both introverts and extroverts can be prepared with a stock phrase:

you've caught me off guard, I'll need to think about this.

 

Also, either "vert" can follow up with an email or some other comfortable communication:

Thanks again for thinking of me. My decision is xyz.

[Liz CA]

I think what Happy Duck suggests will work.

Since I usually get scheduling questions, I always reply: I have to check my calendar. :)

 

In your case, you did just fine. Also choice of schooling is a rather important decision - was the priest under the impression you chose homeschooling only because the parish school would cost too much? I am just surprised a priest would even think about this.

Edited March 29, 2017 by Liz CA

[marbel]

Both introverts and extroverts can be prepared with a stock phrase:

you've caught me off guard, I'll need to think about this.

 

Also, either "vert" can follow up with an email or some other comfortable communication:

Thanks again for thinking of me. My decision is xyz.

 

Yes.  This is not an introvert vs extrovert thing.  Anyone can be caught off guard by an unexpected question or comment. 

 

I think your answer was fine.  You were surprised.  It was an odd conversation.  I'd still be trying to figure out how Barnes & Noble figured into it.  

[J-rap]

I think I'm mostly an introvert, but think you were simply caught off-guard.  I also think your reaction was normal!  Normal for anyone, even extroverts!  But as far as being an introvert, I've become pretty adept over the years at hiding it.  I try and remain poised and divert the attention back to the other person.  Or say things like (in your example), "How nice of you!  Let me think about it and get back to you."  I've been really, really pushed to know how to respond these past few years because of an unusual family situation.  It was really difficult for me at first, but is feeling more natural now.  I'm still an introvert at heart, but can fake it.  :D

 

[Guest]

Unrelated to the introvert/extrovert aspect: Did he not know that you homeschool? Because if he didn't, I think saying,"Oh, we're a homeschooling family and it's working very well for us, but thank you so much for thinking of us and for your generosity!" is a fine type of response. If he DID know...I'd be wondering why he thought I'd want to change educational methods. LOL But I tend to overthink. ;)

 

I like the above suggestion to ask if they do any part-time activities or classes with homeschoolers IF that's something you're interested in.

I think many people assume a family homeschools because they don't approve of the public school, but they cannot afford the church school. Of course, this IS a reason for some homeschool families. Some people don't realize that someone may choose homeschooling as a conscious choice to school in that manner, not as a reaction against the school choices existing.

 

To the OP, I am this way, too; much better not surprised in a conversation. When a conversation takes a turn I didn't anticipate, I someyimes feel, physically, like my stomach dropped out of my body. I can feel my face flush as I grope around for a response. It's pretty miserable in the moment. But I do think I make it a bigger deal in my brain than is really called for. I don't think your response was horrible.

[PrincessMommy]

I thought you did fine too.

 

Put me in the "can't think on her feet" group too.  I always replay what I should have said/done game after the fact.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I see nothing odd/wrong/awkward about your answer at all.

 

FWIW, many people, extroverts and introverts, wish after the fact they could have had a more thought out response.  You had no time to think about it. 

 

 

[Jennifer132]

Unrelated to the introvert/extrovert aspect: Did he not know that you homeschool? Because if he didn't, I think saying,"Oh, we're a homeschooling family and it's working very well for us, but thank you so much for thinking of us and for your generosity!" is a fine type of response. If he DID know...I'd be wondering why he thought I'd want to change educational methods. LOL But I tend to overthink. ;)

 

I like the above suggestion to ask if they do any part-time activities or classes with homeschoolers IF that's something you're interested in.

I think I assumed he knew, but as it turns out, he didn't realize.

[SKL]

I agree, the assumption of the priest / school folks may be that finances played into the decision to homeschool.  That is understandable.  There is no obligation, and I think it's really nice that they thought of helping the family in that way.  Once they realize that homeschool was a positive choice and not a default decision, they will find some other way to spend their recent windfall.  :)

 

Another thought - if the school has not considered it before, maybe it could be convinced to do some work with homeschoolers.  My kids' Lutheran school offers homeschoolers non-core classes, athletics, band, and gifted program.

[Another Lynn]

Okay, so I'm an introvert. I'm one of those people, that after an interaction, I'll go home and replay the scenario and think of all the better things I could've said. It's not like that for every conversation, but it can be that way especially for unexpected ones.

 

 

<snip>

 

I thought I was the only one who did that.    

 

I think your reply was fine.  I also wish I could stop the mental replay after conversations.  And it seems the more socially interactive the occasion is, the worse the replaying is.  <sigh>

[marbel]

I thought I was the only one who did that.    

 

I think your reply was fine.  I also wish I could stop the mental replay after conversations.  And it seems the more socially interactive the occasion is, the worse the replaying is.  <sigh>

 

It is so common!    Google it, and you'll find loads of articles on it and advice (good or bad,  helpful or not) on how to stop it.  I've never managed to stop doing it.

[Ravin]

I always figure the rehashing helps the next time I'm in a similar conversational situation.

 

Part of what makes court appearances and client interviews manageable for me is that, while neither is scripted exactly, it is usually fairly predictable. People you know well and talk to all the time are also predictable for the most part.

 

In your situation I doubt I'd have been any more erudite, and I basically talk to people for a living. 

Edited March 29, 2017 by Ravin

[zoobie]

I don't think being flabbergasted by that was an introvert/extrovert thing. Why would he assume you homeschool because you're poor? I have a quick tongue, and I think I would've been dumbfounded by that as well. Or something super snarky would've flown out of my mouth. (I'm an introvert but not slow to respond.)

 

Mental replay was discussed here recently. It's usually anxiety-based. At any rate, he's a priest. He's heard SO MUCH WORSE. You're fine, really. His approach was totally awkward. Your response was fine.

[Kassia]

My oldest son answers almost everything with, "I'll have to think about it."  It's a great response, but it drives me crazy sometimes.  I have to remember to use it myself because I do end up babbling when I'm asked questions when "I'll have to think about it" would be a perfect response.

[wintermom]

Both introverts and extroverts can be prepared with a stock phrase:

you've caught me off guard, I'll need to think about this.

 

 

Love it! I need to write this inside my eyelids for future reference. I'll never remember it when needed.  :laugh:

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited April 6, 2017 by 1234

[TravelingChris]

Agree with others that it isn't an introvert/extrovert issue.  I think your response was fine.

[Garga]

Right now, I handle it by hiding from everyone.   :)   I do my best to avoid most conversations these days.

 

But if I have to talk to someone, I have learned what the others said:  deflect a real answer until later.  "Oh, um...we'll have to think about it and get back to you."  

 

I've started doing my very, very best to be a good listener.  I've been a horrid listener in the past, and I'm in the middle of actively learning how to just sit and listen...and then ask questions that will keep the person talking.  If it's something that you can't defer until later, then start asking them a lot of questions. That will buy you time while you settle down and come up with an articulate response.

Edited March 29, 2017 by Garga

[Jennifer132]

I don't think being flabbergasted by that was an introvert/extrovert thing. Why would he assume you homeschool because you're poor? I have a quick tongue, and I think I would've been dumbfounded by that as well. Or something super snarky would've flown out of my mouth. (I'm an introvert but not slow to respond.)

 

Mental replay was discussed here recently. It's usually anxiety-based. At any rate, he's a priest. He's heard SO MUCH WORSE. You're fine, really. His approach was totally awkward. Your response was fine.

I don't think he assumed we were poor (we are not, but we also can't afford to put five kids in catholic school either). He didn't realize we homeschooled either. After I said, we really like homeschooling, he said, "oh, you homeschool. I didn't realize. That's fine then." I think our names were mentioned by someone in some meeting as a potential family who maybe wanted to send the kids to catholic school since we are pretty involved there and obviously with five kids they probably assume we live on a budget that doesn't include private school tuition. He said usually the school will suggest potential families to him, and he then has the final say who gets a scholarship. It was really nice that they thought of us, I didn't take it as a slight to homeschooling at all!

[Emmalm]

How to respond to people when they catch you off guard:

 

1: laugh, no matter what the question or statement is

2: stare blankly and say nothing until they walk away

3: smile and nod...continually...until they walk away

4: have a quote from movie or tv show that has nothing to do with anything that you use to respond to any statement or question. Example, "well, that's the way the cookie crumbles." Or "Shiny, let's be bad guys."

5: lie in bed awake all night thinking of all possible awkward statements or questions that you could encounter and do not go to sleep until you have a smart, pertinent answer to all of them

 

But even though you did not employ any of these tactics, I think you answered quite well!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

How to respond to people when they catch you off guard:

 

1: laugh, no matter what the question or statement is

2: stare blankly and say nothing until they walk away

3: smile and nod...continually...until they walk away

4: have a quote from movie or tv show that has nothing to do with anything that you use to respond to any statement or question. Example, "well, that's the way the cookie crumbles." Or "Shiny, let's be bad guys."

5: lie in bed awake all night thinking of all possible awkward statements or questions that you could encounter and do not go to sleep until you have a smart, pertinent answer to all of them

 

But even though you did not employ any of these tactics, I think you answered quite well!

 

I'm sorry, but any of the first four options would have left the OP looking like an absolute idiot. If she just laughed with no comment, or smiled and nodded like a bobblehead, or stared blankly (hoping he'd go away), the priest might have felt compelled to call for medical assistance.

 

The movie quote, especially, "Shiny, let's be bad guys," what on earth.

 

We're talking about interactions with humans. Awkward is better than insane.

 

[marbel]

I'm sorry, but any of the first four options would have left the OP looking like an absolute idiot. If she just laughed with no comment, or smiled and nodded like a bobblehead, or stared blankly (hoping he'd go away), the priest might have felt compelled to call for medical assistance.

 

The movie quote, especially, "Shiny, let's be bad guys," what on earth.

 

We're talking about interactions with humans. Awkward is better than insane.

 

 

Pretty sure the poster was being facetious. 

[Tanaqui]

I'm sorry, but any of the first four options would have left the OP looking like an absolute idiot. If she just laughed with no comment, or smiled and nodded like a bobblehead, or stared blankly (hoping he'd go away), the priest might have felt compelled to call for medical assistance.

 

The movie quote, especially, "Shiny, let's be bad guys," what on earth.

 

We're talking about interactions with humans. Awkward is better than insane.

 

 

You're taking this all too literally.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Sorry, didn't see the humor, if that's what it was meant to be. Another day I'd have either got the joke, or ignored it if I didn't; apologies, Emmalm!

[Emmalm]

Sorry, didn't see the humor, if that's what it was meant to be. Another day I'd have either got the joke, or ignored it if I didn't; apologies, Emmalm!

No worries! I have gotten a fair few comments about our homeschooling in our town, and on bad days I find humor in thinking of the awkward ways I could respond to people. They would, obviously, make anyone look like an idiot, which is why I do not actually respond as such. But sometimes, when I get an especially idiotic comment, I am sorely tempted....

[MercyA]

How to respond to people when they catch you off guard:

...

Or "Shiny, let's be bad guys."

 

Quoting Firefly is almost always a good idea.  :thumbup1:

[Moonhawk]

I had a similar experience last Sunday at church. The education director came up and verified how old the 3yo was and his birthday, and she happily told me that they are going to open a catechism type thing for 4-6 yo's at the same time as the older kid classes next year, and he'd be perfect, and she was hoping I would let them have my 3yo as part of the class (obviously she does not know my 3yo well, lol). The implication was it would be paid for, and I wouldn't need to pay the tuition, but it wasn't explicit. I awkwardly said "Oh thank you!...for telling us about it, I mean...and for the great idea...I mean, that is a great idea..." etc. 

So, take my advice with the grain of salt it deserves:

 

I have set phrases for surprising situations I find myself in. "Oh wow, what an idea!" "How sweet!" "You don't say" and my much over-used "Awesome!"  I also have a thing for cliches, but try not to slip down that slippery slope in public, as I am wont to beat a dead horse til the cows come home.

 

I've actively been working on my conversation skills. I am cold calling (with reason, and I swear I'm not selling anything) at least 5 places a week to get comfortable talking to people I don't know, albeit on a set topic I am comfortable with.

 

Improv or acting classes have helped others I know, and I'm planning on doing an improv class later this summer, when life calms down a bit. 

 

I do analyze my conversations, literally, in my journal. If it was an important conversation, I will write out as much as I remember, as close phrasing as I remember, then make notes to improve what I could have done. Obviously, can't do this over every conversation, I probably do this about once a month, and usually with a conversation with a client that I felt more-than-usually stilted in. I usually lay out the best thing I could have done to make the conversation better. (example: "Stop saying awesome in pauses") and review these notes before I make calls the next few days.

 

PS I thought your answer was fine!

[Isabella]

My standard response is 'How kind of you! Thank you, but I'll have to get back to you about that. Is that ok?'

[Carrie12345]

You were caught off guard because someone made a very presumptuous statement, and those are hard to respond to.  If I were to assign responsibility for the awkwardness, it would be on the person assuming you were unhappy with your current situation.  Why not offer you a shirt to wear from his closet instead of the one you chose for yourself that morning?

 

 

(Yeah, I probably would have responded quite rudely on the fly.)

[catz]

I don't even think this is an introvert/extrovert thing when you are caught off guard like that.  I think you were totally fine.  I have trained myself to respond to any unexpected offer of anything with something like "It's so nice of you to think of us.  Thank you! I'm not sure if that will work but I'll let you know".