Moonhawk Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Of your kids. Not an irrational fear of you kids, but the irrational fears belonging to your kids :) My issue: my DD8 is afraid of showers. Specifically, shower heads. Imagine screaming, crying, kicking, when I say it is time to take a shower. She's been scared of shower heads as long as I can remember. Showers have always been an issue. She is NT, no concerns there about underlying/diagnosable issues; this is just an irrational fear that she hasn't gotten over (and to be fair, I'm not over my fear of werewolves, so I am trying to keep that in mind when I'm dealing with her). Now, we get her over this, she copes, and soon she is totally fine taking a shower and may even joke about how silly it is to be scared of showers. She takes a shower without issue or comment. BUT THEN if she goes 1 or 2 days without a shower (going to my parents for an overnight stay, and taking a bath instead) when she comes home we are right back at the crying and screaming again. Then it takes at least 3-4 days of daily showers and holding hands and coaching to get her over it again. Since she was at my parents for a lot of days when the baby was born, this issue has intensified again, to the point that, well, I'm writing here. I'm getting tired of this. And, we keep getting over it and thinking the worst is behind us, but then we regress after just a few days of missed showers. I have slowly slid from "Patient Mom Helping Her Daughter to Face Fears and Overcome Them" to "Get in That Shower Right Now or So Help Me." I can hardly manage sympathy or patience at this point, and am just happy to get through it without losing my temper. Words of advice? How have you handled similar situations? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Any other fears or anxieties? Before you say no, take away the mental comparison to shower heads, lol, and try to think of any that are much less obvious in comparison. Even if not, anxiety can be most obvious as specific phobias, and I can't think of anything other than anxiety (in one of its many forms) that would explain this. It sounds like she's very aware that this is an extreme reaction, and that she's working hard to not do it, so you have a situation where she's fighting against it and yet still winds up kicking and screaming. I'd handle it by doing some reading and research into anxiety. Based on that, I would work on an ongoing plan, either alone with the support of workbooks and such, or with a counselor. It can be hard to suss out whether a counselor is needed, but it can help a lot to simply ask, "Do you think you'd like to talk to someone about this and learn about ways to deal with it?" If I felt very confident that outside help wasn't needed, and life kept getting in the way of research and/or an ongoing plan, I guess I'd probably just let her take a bath, lol. It's annoying as heck, but not something she can control. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Can she articulate the why! I didn't like showers as a kid because I didn't like water in my face. Still don't but I learned to shower without that happening. I also struggled as a kid with always dripping the shampoo in my eyes. Just a thought... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Can she take a bath instead, on her own without help? I would think the easiest and most accepting thing would be to let her take baths, as long as she does a good job...eventually as she gets older, she might transition to showers because it is more efficient, but that would be on her. I'd also second the suggestion of reading up on anxiety, her reaction does seem extreme. I have one child who has a fear of buttons. There is actually a name for the phobia. It's silly, but I don't get to pick people's anxieties...so there it is, I honor it the best I can. Though her reaction isn't as extreme as your daughter's, my child just abhors them like many people don't like snakes, she will touch them/ wear them if she has to, but gets an uncomfortable, squimish look on her face. I did force her to wear a few shirts with them before she got the nerve up to articulate her extreme problem with them, I felt really bad for forcing her, but I didn't know. ...Just my thoughts. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I guess I don't understand why it has to be showers? Why can't she take a bath instead? (Not judging you--not one bit. Trying to understand.) 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I suggest reading up on anxiety/panic/phobia. It's actually really interesting though I'd prefer not to have personal experience! Phobias of things that I don't need to encounter I can just ignore. A phobia of something I must engage with is different. I have to work up my exposure bit by bit and then *keep up the exposure*. If I miss a time the next time is much harder. If showers are a must then working up to showering and then keeping the habit is important. Please try not to get tired of it. It is surprising how a fear can come thundering back after seeming gone. It's really hard to be the one it is happening to. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Because this is affecting your/her daily life, I would look for a pediatric anxiety specialist with experience in CBT. Anxiety is irrational. If it were logical, it wouldn't exist. :) 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 Can she articulate the why! I didn't like showers as a kid because I didn't like water in my face. Still don't but I learned to shower without that happening. I also struggled as a kid with always dripping the shampoo in my eyes. Her reason is because she is afraid the shower head is going to come to life and spray wherever it wants to. I'm not sure, but I think she envisions is coming off the wall and moving around inside the shower, not anchored to the wall. (She has never seen a shower head with a removable head and long neck so you can move it around. I have made sure of this, because if she knew that type of shower head existed, I am sure it would not help things.) Can she take a bath instead, on her own without help? You know, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this hasn't been seriously considered by me. I think it was originally one of those "You are 6, time to learn to shower" things that has become cemented in my mind. But, I do think this is one of those things that, since she CAN take showers without anxiety, so long as we keep it up, it is something that I want to do so she doesn't give in to her fears (at least now that *she* would probably see it as giving in, she's mentioned a few times that she doesn't like her fear controlling what she can do). Also, baths are only a partial solution, since our bathtub is a shower combo, and she can still see the shower head when she is in the bath, and the fear is mostly the shower head itself. (At my parents, the bath is separate from the shower, which is why it seems a day or two there greatly affects her tolerance.) A phobia of something I must engage with is different. I have to work up my exposure bit by bit and then *keep up the exposure*. If I miss a time the next time is much harder. If showers are a must then working up to showering and then keeping the habit is important. Please try not to get tired of it. It is surprising how a fear can come thundering back after seeming gone. It's really hard to be the one it is happening to. Thank you for the reminder. I've been trying hard to keep it together and not make it worse by adding more stress to the whole issue. Good to know that "keeping up the exposure" is important, and that focusing on making it a habit can help. I think I'll do some meditation pre-shower time for the next few days till we're past the hard part again so that I can be a better support for her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 Any other fears or anxieties? Before you say no, take away the mental comparison to shower heads, lol, and try to think of any that are much less obvious in comparison. Even if not, anxiety can be most obvious as specific phobias, and I can't think of anything other than anxiety (in one of its many forms) that would explain this. It sounds like she's very aware that this is an extreme reaction, and that she's working hard to not do it, so you have a situation where she's fighting against it and yet still winds up kicking and screaming. I'd handle it by doing some reading and research into anxiety. Based on that, I would work on an ongoing plan, either alone with the support of workbooks and such, or with a counselor. It can be hard to suss out whether a counselor is needed, but it can help a lot to simply ask, "Do you think you'd like to talk to someone about this and learn about ways to deal with it?" If I felt very confident that outside help wasn't needed, and life kept getting in the way of research and/or an ongoing plan, I guess I'd probably just let her take a bath, lol. It's annoying as heck, but not something she can control. Forgot to address this: she doesn't have any other fears after reflection -- at least, none that are unusually strong or out of line for her age, though anxiety has been showing up on a few things. Mostly, she escalates quickly when she feels criticized or uncomfortable. For example, piano practice: 95% of the time its fine and we go through it with her, but particularly on new pieces or hard to master techniques, she can get weepy very fast. We do the sit down and talk about our feelings, what's going on, etc., and she says that she doesn't like the uncomfortable feeling of learning something new. It seems only to come up on "uncomfortable" (I think "hard to master"?) topics, since this isn't an issue with easy pieces, or something I see in home school with other topics, all of which are coming to her very easily at this point. She's also been fast to find offense in conversation recently. I don't know how much of this is true anxiety, just the regular frustration of learning something new, or her age. I remember being very weepy in 2nd and 3rd grade. I'll do some more research into this. Thank you for the idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) My son does have a diagnosed issue with anxiety, so that skews my perspective I'm sure. Her response sounds extreme. Avoidance can feed anxiety. Cognitive behavioral treatment would involve exposure. Given she's ok as long as she has continued showers, I really think I'd do everything I could to make sure she has uninterrupted exposure as much as possible--showering on trips to grandma's too for example. Edited March 28, 2017 by sbgrace 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Another possible way to be exposed to the showerhead: Take a pillow and blanket into a dry tub and read or play a handheld game or on a phone. Might need to start outside the tub and work up to it. If she starts to feel uncomfortable she can get out. The goal is to experience the thing without the panic so it stops being associated. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 My son used to be terrified of shower heads when he was 3 and scream that a big bird was swooping down and attacking him every time I turned on the shower head for him. I am not sure if read a book, watched a video or talked to his daycare buddies about big, fierce birds attacking little kids :( For several days I let him stand outside the shower and watch for a while that there were no ferocious birds raining from the shower head and that I was putting my hand in the water and I was Ok. He would stop screaming after a few minutes and get in the shower. This repeated for about a year sporadically and then, he got over that fear. He can now laugh about it. So, ask her if she read or watched something on TV that gave her that image in her mind of a live shower head. Try to show her that you can stick your hand in the shower and that you remain unscathed. That should help, I think. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 My almost-10yo has only recently started to take showers instead of baths. When he was younger, he freaked out a couple of times over the suggestion of a shower. If we had physically forced him to do it, I assume there would have been screaming and crying hysterics. I don't really know though, because I couldn't think of any reason to do that. I don't even remember how old the older 3 were when they transitioned. My 6yo still prefers a bath. I just want clean people. Or at leased hosed off people, lol. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Could it the the closed curtain/door that causes her to react to the shower? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 (She has never seen a shower head with a removable head and long neck so you can move it around. I have made sure of this, because if she knew that type of shower head existed, I am sure it would not help things.) You sure she hasn't seen any on TV or anything? I'm not sure if I've seen the "attacking people" kind, but I've seen that kind of thing with a garden hose for sure (garden hose that isn't held onto spraying wildly all around itself - not actually attacking anyone, of course), so there may or may not have been some TV programs with a similar shower scene. I'm also not sure avoiding encountering those kinds of showers is a good idea - just wondering if she encounters it in a situation where you're not there to explain it, she'll imagine other showers growing hoses (not sure that would really make things worse, since she's already imagining the shower head coming loose to attack her). Wrt exposure, aside from the possibility to hang out in the shower without the water on, I wonder if buying a cheap shower head to just put on the couch or table next to her for a little while every day could be helpful, while she's doing something else (don't just unexpectedly put it there, of course). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Neither of my kids will take showers (odd, but true). They both take baths. Could she take a bath instead? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) Well, this morning I came out of my room and walked by the kid's bathroom. [For background, we got a new shower head in their bathroom a couple weeks ago, partially to combat the fear, though it hasn't had any affect.] My daughter was there combing her hair. Her wet hair. "Your hair is wet." "Yep." "Did you take a shower?" "Yep." "Um...ok...how did it go?" "Good." "Was...was the water the right temperature?" "Yep." "...So it went well?" "Yeah. And my hair doesn't even have any knots. I think the new shower head is better for my hair. It's like a luxury shower head, isn't it Mom?" "Yeah, it's a nice shower head...Ok...Well...just let me know if you need help doing your hair." "Yep." So, there you go! Looks like we are over this bout of fear. It'll come up again, I'm sure, so I'll keep all your ideas in mind and start research to prepare for next time. Thanks for the help! :) Edited March 28, 2017 by Moonhawk 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 If you figure it out let me know. I have an employee who is 33 and has a crazy fear of spiders. One day I was walking to my car and she tackled me from behind because the thought a spider was going to fall on me from the back porch roof. She is so scared of spiders it not even funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solascriptura Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 If she truly is NT, I would probably just avoid shower and let her take baths. I suspect that she will just outgrow it in a few years. Now, If the problem was all sorts of bathing, that would be an entirely different issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Information on exposure therapy: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exposure_therapy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I think it was originally one of those "You are 6, time to learn to shower" things that has become cemented in my mind. I'm a slacker. It never even occurred to me to start showers when they were 6, lol. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 You know, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this hasn't been seriously considered by me. I think it was originally one of those "You are 6, time to learn to shower" things that has become cemented in my mind. I wish my kids didn't mind showers, but I have a very different mindset about this given the fact that for the first 25 years of my life I only had access to a bath tub! Yep. Growing up we only had a tub. It took me awhile to get used to showers as an adult, but now that I am, I rarely take a bath anymore. So I figure my kids will take showers when they feel like taking showers. Not that I'm trying to convince you of anything! Just I do get having a certain idea of how things are supposed to go down based on what you are used to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I'm glad you have solved it this time. But, I just wanted to put in my two cents........ I'm not certain why she has to take a shower? Honestly, I never really graduated to showers and I'm in my 40's. I just don't like them. I take baths all the time. They are incredibly relaxing to me. So, I'm in the camp of letting her take baths. I don't really see any reason why not. Really, she can turn out to be a fine and well - adjusted bath taking adult. No worries. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 For my ds who gets specific phobias, when we solve one, it moves to something else. Hopefully that won't be the case here, but just a heads up. That's a common thing for some kids who get focused on specific phobias. Fix the fear of dogs and it becomes fear of escalators. Or, at least, it did here. Ds also has been known to go from zero to sixty and back to zero on a phobia. It can be so odd. What do you mean that's fine now - yesterday it made you *cry*. I don't think "take baths forever" is a good solution, honestly. I mean, sometimes you're traveling and there's no bathtub. Sometimes you need to shower to get in the pool. Sometimes you need to wash and not take so long. But also, sometimes we get so worked up and we need to retreat and regroup. It's important not to avoid long term because then kids really build up a block. But a kid who is overwhelmed all the time can't reset those worked up hormones well enough. So baths for a week or so and then exposure therapy might have made sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I'm glad you have solved it this time. But, I just wanted to put in my two cents........ I'm not certain why she has to take a shower? Honestly, I never really graduated to showers and I'm in my 40's. I just don't like them. I take baths all the time. They are incredibly relaxing to me. So, I'm in the camp of letting her take baths. I don't really see any reason why not. Really, she can turn out to be a fine and well - adjusted bath taking adult. No worries. I am kinda on the same page here. I'm 49 and can probably count the showers I've taken on 2 hands. I just don't see why a child with a fear of something has to be forced to overcome it (unless it directly affects their health or something). The only one of my adult children that regularly showers is my son, and he didn't until he was 10-12. I just can't imagine having ever made my kids shower versus bathe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Six years old is an age when a lot of children, in my opinion, have fears. Most of them outgrow those fears. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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