mamashark Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I kept listening to myself speak today - as odd as that sounds - and realized (not for the first time) that I speak negatively to one of my children a LOT. She's the oldest, has attention issues, is gifted, and is always the one whose mouth is getting her into trouble. I just heard myself speaking negatively to her a lot compared to the other kids, and I lose my patience so often with her and I know I need to improve that. While I know awareness of a problem is a first step towards fixing it, how can I work to improve my speech towards her when I am having to step in and correct her more often than the other kids??? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiche Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I would talk to her about it, apologize, explain, and ask if she has any ideas on how the two of you can work on it together. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) The key to breaking a bad habit is replacing it with a new one. Try to purposefully speak more positive words to her throughout the day - praise her, thank her, compliment her. Spend some time, thinking about her good qualities. Edited March 28, 2017 by wonderchica 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squawky Acres Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 She sounds so much like my oldest DD. The attention issues and the sarcasm can be so maddening . . . but she really is just a gifted, sensitive, and perceptive child. I find I need to make more of an effort to connect with her and spend time together in a natural way -- like taking her to her pitching workshop without the other kids, and then stopping by a sugar house to buy maple cotton candy on the way home. We had such a lovely, unhurried conversation; and she really opened up to me. Another way is to try to reduce the situations in which you might lose your patience with her. DD and I both have poor executive functioning skills, so I have been able to share with her what helps me (keeping lists, keeping things in the same place every time, building in buffers of time to avoid being late, etc.). 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Start work on seeing her do things "right". Then praise/thank her for those things. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 For me, I had to consciously STOP TALKING to the child in question. I decided that if I couldn't say anything nice, well... you know the saying. I had to close my mouth and walk away to stop from saying things. The fact that I stopped saying it didn't actually matter - this kid had my whole tape memorized in their head from hearing it so much. So yeah, then I had to consciously say NICE THINGS and stop ragging on the kid all the time. It helped. It was hard, but stopping being negative all the time really did help both me and the kid. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Look really hard for the positive side of the coin. I am NOT a morning person, and I was blessed with an early riser who hated sleep. When she would come bouncing into my room long before dawn, it took a lot of effort to not say "Oh crud, you're up!" But rather "Oh oook, it's my little ray of sunshine! Crawl in bed and snuggle while Mommy finishes her sleep." You child is much older, and so is mine now. But it still works. A child who is visibly disgruntled isn't trying to hide her feelings. A child who won't wear "ugly" clothes takes pride in presenting neat appearance. A child who uses every dang dish in the kitchen just cooked breakfast for the family. So find whatever good trait is hidden in the annoying one. Praise that first, and then address any issues if really needed. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamashark Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 I'm going to re-read these tomorrow when I'm not tired and feeling discouraged... she really is very helpful and sweet with her siblings and around the house. she's probably just too much like me so she gets on my nerves more - this year has gotten worse as hormones have started flaring and I need to make a point of having some special girl time with her. An apology and fresh start in the morning ... along with a couple cups of coffee... sounds like a good start. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Perhaps writing out and/or memorizing some phrases with which you can replace others. Depending on age, place some of the responsibility on her for finishing things on time, for asking for clarification, etc. Replace some of the negative sounding phrases with more encouraging ones. If you can give an example of what you seem to say a lot, perhaps we can brainstorm. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Replacing the negative words with praise can become another difficult and unhelpful habit. We use the approach outlined in the Nurture My Heart materials. There are many books, some available for free online. The Wikipedia overview is somewhat helpful. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurtured_Heart_Approach#Nurtured_Heart_Approach 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Since my kids were babies, I always tried to state things as a positive. For example, I'd say "keep it on the table" instead of "don't throw it on the floor." I developed the habit of saying "do" instead of "don't" most of the time. Now my kids are 10yo and I still usually do this - try again, help me out, be considerate, be polite, next time ___, I see you like to ___, you are learning, you are improving, you will get it, keep practicing, help your sister, show me you are responsible, I want to hear you so please speak clearly, I need your cooperation, get it done so you can enjoy some free time .... When one of my kids chooses less pleasant ways to speak, I may "restate" in a humorous tone, e.g., "I think I heard you say 'oh thank you, dear mommy, for helping me ___" [whatever the point of Mom's unpopular action was]. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 The key to breaking a bad habit is replacing it with a new one. Try to purposefully speak more positive words to her throughout the day - praise her, thank her, compliment her. Spend some time, thinking about her good qualities. Yes, this. When I think about changing my kids' behaviors, I try to teach the replacement behavior. What do I want to see? Same with myself. What do I want to do instead? I want to replace the negative words with positive ones, try to speak in a spirit of teaching, support, compassion. Frame feedback in terms of moving forward and helpful (helps us meet our goals)/not helpful (hinders us from meeting our goals) behavior. I struggle with this with my impulsive attention-challenged oldest also, by the way. When I get exasperated and say something critical, I try to say out loud, "Oops. That didn't come out the way I intended/in a helpful way/the way I want to speak to you. I apologize for (specific apology--being sharp, sounding impatient, etc.) Let me start over. What I want to say is...." And honestly, sometimes a good old fashioned, "Oh for heaven's sake, knock it off," is appropriate to the situation, as is setting a clear boundary: "You may not speak to me like that." So I try not to beat myself up too badly. And good job, momma. Apologies and a fresh start in the morning is modeling gracious reconnection so that when they grow up to be human just like us, they know how to apologize and re-do. That's what I tell myself.... :P 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Replacing the negative words with praise can become another difficult and unhelpful habit. We use the approach outlined in the Nurture My Heart materials. There are many books, some available for free online. The Wikipedia overview is somewhat helpful. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurtured_Heart_Approach#Nurtured_Heart_Approach No, this would obviously not make much sense, however, the way things are phrased can make a difference as SKL has suggested. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I am practicing meditation with a similar goal - learning to "be in the moment," which allows you to better choose your response in any situation. The book "living beautifully with uncertainty and change," has been eye-opening. Other thoughts: I agree with SKL and strove yo do the same thing since my kids were small. I consciously aim to say things positively, even if I have to add a qualifier. "Mom, can I have a cookie?" "yes, once you have finished your lunch." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamashark Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 Perhaps writing out and/or memorizing some phrases with which you can replace others. Depending on age, place some of the responsibility on her for finishing things on time, for asking for clarification, etc. Replace some of the negative sounding phrases with more encouraging ones. If you can give an example of what you seem to say a lot, perhaps we can brainstorm. It's not any specific phrases - it's more a tone of voice. Here's how this morning's conversation went: She was annoyed and critical of her brother who was taking all the counter space and she wanted to fix breakfast. So I quietly removed my items from the counter and thanked her for offering to fix breakfast. She got impatient with her brother for not allowing her to use the stool he was sitting on to enable her to reach the breakfast cereal, so I got the cereal down for her, calmly reminding both her and her brother that they both need to be nice to each other. she pours cereal in 3 bowls and begins pouring milk. Her brother throws a fit - he claims he wasn't hungry yet. It looked like she hadn't poured milk in the third bowl yet so I asked her to stop and whether she had poured milk in her sisters bowl yet? Without responding to me she looked at her sister, who had moved her kindle off her seat, and proceeded to have a tiff with her over moving the kindle. I corrected the sister gently, asking her to replace the kindle where she found it, and then again asked whether she had poured milk in the third bowl. She immediately began pouring milk in the third bowl, so I ask her to stop. stop! STOP! At which point she was finished and looked at me bewildered. I explained, exasperated at this point, that we could have put her brothers cereal and milk into her sisters bowl since he didn't want any yet, but that she didn't listen to me or respond to me. So much for starting today with an apology and a fresh start. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) Regarding your story in the last post: "did you ___" can be interpreted by a kid as "you were supposed to do ___ by now, is it done?" I have had similar issues where I asked a question and instead of being answered, the kid interpreted my question to mean I wanted action and proceeded to act. It's frustrating, but I don't think it's on purpose. We can't always predict things like that, but it might help in the future to say, "listen, look at me, I need your attention right now." And then ask your question or give your instruction. It prevents confusion caused by a kid trying to think and do and communicate at the same time. I would also note that mornings are difficult times for me myself to think and plan, so that is the time I'm likely to get frustrated with my kids - rightly or wrongly. If you or your daughter is not a morning person, that can be a factor, and it isn't really anyone's fault. Maybe just try to acknowledge that is at play when things get difficult in the morning. Edited March 28, 2017 by SKL 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamashark Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 Regarding your story in the last post: "did you ___" can be interpreted by a kid as "you were supposed to do ___ by now, is it done?" I have had similar issues where I asked a question and instead of being answered, the kid interpreted my question to mean I wanted action and proceeded to act. It's frustrating, but I don't think it's on purpose. We can't always predict things like that, but it might help in the future to say, "listen, look at me, I need your attention right now." And then ask your question or give your instruction. It prevents confusion caused by a kid trying to think and do and communicate at the same time. I would also note that mornings are difficult times for me myself to think and plan, so that is the time I'm likely to get frustrated with my kids - rightly or wrongly. If you or your daughter is not a morning person, that can be a factor, and it isn't really anyone's fault. Maybe just try to acknowledge that is at play when things get difficult in the morning. Yes I realize that, I even realized it as it was happening, I was just too slow to fix it. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) It's not any specific phrases - it's more a tone of voice. Here's how this morning's conversation went: She was annoyed and critical of her brother who was taking all the counter space and she wanted to fix breakfast. So I quietly removed my items from the counter and thanked her for offering to fix breakfast. She got impatient with her brother for not allowing her to use the stool he was sitting on to enable her to reach the breakfast cereal, so I got the cereal down for her, calmly reminding both her and her brother that they both need to be nice to each other. she pours cereal in 3 bowls and begins pouring milk. Her brother throws a fit - he claims he wasn't hungry yet. It looked like she hadn't poured milk in the third bowl yet so I asked her to stop and whether she had poured milk in her sisters bowl yet? Without responding to me she looked at her sister, who had moved her kindle off her seat, and proceeded to have a tiff with her over moving the kindle. I corrected the sister gently, asking her to replace the kindle where she found it, and then again asked whether she had poured milk in the third bowl. She immediately began pouring milk in the third bowl, so I ask her to stop. stop! STOP! At which point she was finished and looked at me bewildered. I explained, exasperated at this point, that we could have put her brothers cereal and milk into her sisters bowl since he didn't want any yet, but that she didn't listen to me or respond to me. So much for starting today with an apology and a fresh start. :glare: Sometimes when my kids began doing what you described above, I just rounded them all up - rather abruptly - and got them busy doing something. Preferable something physical, and outside, if at all possible. If that wasn't possible, I separated them. If I said something to the one being critical, it would go something like 'OooooKkk .... (looking at the child somewhat seriously) ... that's enough of that. Now let's do X and Y.' As I stepped in and redirected the whole situation. Because in your situation above, it just looks like she's directing the whole thing from start to finish. And I would take back that 'power' (for lack of a better word), because I would be thinking that if she's able to do this at X-years old, what am I in for down the road at Y-years old in the teen years? IOW, I'm not really seeing your being critical in the above situation. I'm seeing that maybe there needs more structure?? I can't really tell with just the one example. Edited March 28, 2017 by 1234 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Replacing the negative words with praise can become another difficult and unhelpful habit. We use the approach outlined in the Nurture My Heart materials. There are many books, some available for free online. The Wikipedia overview is somewhat helpful. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurtured_Heart_Approach#Nurtured_Heart_ApproachThat's what I was going to suggest. There's also a FB group but it's not very active. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamashark Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 Sometimes when my kids began doing what you described above, I just rounded them all up - rather abruptly - and got them busy doing something. Preferable something physical, and outside, if at all possible. If that wasn't possible, I separated them. If I said something to the one being critical, it would go something like 'OooooKkk .... (looking at the child somewhat seriously) ... that's enough of that. Now let's do X and Y.' As I stepped in and redirected the whole situation. Because in your situation above, it just looks like she's directing the whole thing from start to finish. And I would take back that 'power' (for lack of a better word), because I would be thinking that if she's able to do this at X-years old, what am I in for down the road at Y-years old in the teen years? IOW, I'm not really seeing your being critical in the above situation. I'm seeing that maybe there needs to be more structure?? I can't really tell with just the one example. I see you're point, I need to think about it more to see if that could be part of it. Much of my negative words to her involve her siblings or her school work. She likes being in charge of play and regularly causes fights when she tries to join into play with siblings. I'm constantly telling her she's not in charge and that she can't control how her brothers and sister play. I've talked to her ot about it when we had the money to do that, and she said it was an anxiety thing. She wants to know exactly what to expect from play. So we work on it with lots of sensory integration. Today is a hard day because she's really tired. I role play with her a lot to try to teach her how to play more open ended and respond to different types of scenarios. School issues tend to be when she doesn't think. I will know that she knows something but she will give a stupid answer because she didn't pay attention and think about it. When I call her attention to it she will say, oh right, and give the right answer. And believe me we take lots of breaks and structure school around her sensory needs based on work we did with the OT. I just get fed up with it more quickly than I should. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Sounds like maybe you are on a short fuse at certain times. I can relate. I have warned my kids several times, "I'm on a short fuse right now, you'd be wise to act right or it could get ugly." :P It doesn't always work, but at least if I do get crabby, they understand it's not just about what's happening in the moment. Are your mornings rushed? I wonder if it would help to just dial it back a bit. For example, the first yelling was your son having a hissy because he isn't ready to eat right now. Could you put a halt to everything and deal with that by itself - i.e., here is a better way to communicate that to your sister - and then move on ... then the hollering about the ipad ... halt everything and deal with it by itself ... then the milk pouring .... Just another word to the wise - I used to give my kids dry cereal and a glass of milk. Then they could each pour their milk - or not - when they decided. Milk that did not get used in cereal could be used later. Cereal that didn't get used could go back in the box. And nobody is feeling rushed or forced to eat what/when they don't want to. :) I know that isn't the point of this post, but taking the issues one by one can help prevent some of the chaos. :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamashark Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 Sounds like maybe you are on a short fuse at certain times. I can relate. I have warned my kids several times, "I'm on a short fuse right now, you'd be wise to act right or it could get ugly." :p It doesn't always work, but at least if I do get crabby, they understand it's not just about what's happening in the moment. Are your mornings rushed? I wonder if it would help to just dial it back a bit. For example, the first yelling was your son having a hissy because he isn't ready to eat right now. Could you put a halt to everything and deal with that by itself - i.e., here is a better way to communicate that to your sister - and then move on ... then the hollering about the ipad ... halt everything and deal with it by itself ... then the milk pouring .... Just another word to the wise - I used to give my kids dry cereal and a glass of milk. Then they could each pour their milk - or not - when they decided. Milk that did not get used in cereal could be used later. Cereal that didn't get used could go back in the box. And nobody is feeling rushed or forced to eat what/when they don't want to. :) I know that isn't the point of this post, but taking the issues one by one can help prevent some of the chaos. :) This morning everyone was tired and cranky - and they all got up early. We had no where to go and nothing to do so it was lazy but both boys had been up several times overnight and it disturbed the girls sleep too. In general, one boy wakes cranky almost every morning and I have to work to protect his space while he wakes up. I love your milk/cereal idea, btw! But yes, we are not living in ideal circumstances right now, so my fuse is shorter than maybe should be typical for me. I tend to feel tired all the time right now, which I'm sure is my response to environmental stress. I work on it really hard because the more stressed I act, the more the kids act up. I guess my eldest (who just turned 9) is ending up at the brunt of it most of the time. The irony of this mornings cereal issue is that after throwing a fit over not wanting the cereal, he ended up eating almost all of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I kept listening to myself speak today - as odd as that sounds - and realized (not for the first time) that I speak negatively to one of my children a LOT. She's the oldest, has attention issues, is gifted, and is always the one whose mouth is getting her into trouble. I just heard myself speaking negatively to her a lot compared to the other kids, and I lose my patience so often with her and I know I need to improve that. While I know awareness of a problem is a first step towards fixing it, how can I work to improve my speech towards her when I am having to step in and correct her more often than the other kids??? Awww, I wanted to chime in because I was speaking about some issues with my oldest with an older homeschool mom yesterday. I realized that my oldest seems so old (and always has). I see other people and they always seem to have very different expectations for their oldest compared to other kids because the child is doing so many new and exciting things, yet when a younger child becomes that age the parents realize how young the child truly is. I realized my expectations are totally off for oldest and that I need to extend to him more grace to be a child despite the fact that he seems so old compared to siblings. At 12, he's a kid still. I have other children who have ease with some things that are hard for my oldest, and I realize I take his strengths for granted ("That's who you are, you aren't working to be that way!") while expecting him to be constantly getting better at what is hard for him. I think I need to recognize his gifts more purposefully. I see this age-unawareness play out when people bring their oldest child to homeschool activities that are completely age inappropriate. But an oldest who is 7 seems so grown up - but not compared to a 12-year-old. Emily 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Someone posted this link on fb this morning, and it was thought-provoking for me: http://lishous.com/sentence-changed-way-parent-forever/ That may not be too helpful when there are corrections that must be made, and we all get exasperated with our kids sometimes. I did find it to be a good reminder for how my words and tone are not neutral. I'm not sharing this to scold, because I've had plenty of those moments OP has had. It does help sometimes to back up and try to look at the whole "everything" objectively; then try to figure out some strategies for relieving the tensions of those scenarios that are the most stressful and that tend to degenerate most rapidly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seeking Squirrels Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 She sounds so much like my DD8! It sounds like she has sensory issues as well? DD8 has SPD, ADHD, and anxiety. So I get it. I've also noticed that it can be easy to get too negative with her. I'll look back over the day and realize I've been nagging and correcting all. day. long. I could easily see us being in the exact situation you described from breakfast. I could think of some things now, outside of the situation, to do differently, but in the moment I probably would have done much as you did. That's one thing I try to do, though. When a situation doesn't go well, I try to evaluate what I could have done differently, or where things turned. Kind of along the lines of identifying a problem being the first step to fixing it. If I can pinpoint an issue and think through a solution for it, then the next time *maybe* I'll be able to recall and use that strategy instead of whatever didn't work. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I have found that using terms of endearment has completely changed my whole tone. "Sweetheart, please put up these books.", is so different than my normal rant. It's shocking how much I've changed. It's so simple. I'm not being disingenuous, or fake, or syrupy. Just a little "bud", "pal", "super kid" - whatever. I can't recommend it enough. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I have found that using terms of endearment has completely changed my whole tone. "Sweetheart, please put up these books.", is so different than my normal rant. It's shocking how much I've changed. It's so simple. I'm not being disingenuous, or fake, or syrupy. Just a little "bud", "pal", "super kid" - whatever. I can't recommend it enough. How interesting! I use terms of endearment most of the time, too, but I had not thought about the direct effect that has on the rest of my communication. Maybe I should do that with other people who get on my nerves. 😠I have called my kids "buddy" and "honey" since they were babies. I also call them "Miss" or "Mr." So - I don't know, this might assist in speaking respectfully. So, for example, "Miss Grace, I need you to fold those clothes, please." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) Interesting point re the terms of endearment ... it reminds me of old Indian friend who expressed that his uncle was an a$$hole but he didn't feel he could say anything given the rules for respectfully addressing uncles. "It's pretty hard to say 'uncle respect respect with respect you are an a$$hole'." :p ETA not saying anyone's kids are a$$holes, but I can see how terms of respect / endearment necessarily soften a potentially harsh message. :P Edited March 28, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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