Why does this bother me?

[Vintage81]

My girls and I have participated in a co-op for the past 3 years. A year and a half ago I volunteered to help run the co-op with two other moms (for the purposes of this post, I'll call them Mom 1 and Mom 2). My DDs are VERY shy and it's difficult for them to engage with other kids and make friends. (I'm pretty shy myself when I'm around people I don't know, so I'm not the best example.) Mom 1 and Mom 2 both have daughters similar in age to mine, so I thought it would be good for us to get to know them all better.

 

Fast forward to now, and while participating in the co-op has helped us get to know other families better, I wouldn't call anyone close friends, not even Mom 1 and Mom 2. (We don't hang out with any other moms/kids outside of co-op/other homeschool group activities.) My DDs, though, would consider the daughters of Mom 1 and Mom 2 to be their really good friends.

 

The other day, I was talking with Mom 1 and she mentioned (I think accidentally) that Mom 2's daughter couldn't come to her daughter's birthday party this weekend because she was sick. Well, my daughters weren't invited to the party, which is why I think she accidentally mentioned it. My heart just kind of sank when she said it because if my daughters found out that they weren't invited, they'd be heartbroken.

 

I didn't say anything. I'm fully aware that nobody is obligated to invite DDs to parties. It still bothers me, though. I want DDs to make friends, and I want them to know that other kids want to be their friends. But, to hear that they weren't invited to this girl's party, a girl they would consider a close friend, just sucks. I don't know how I'd explain it to them if they ever found out.

 

This all came at the end of a really frustrating week. Just one of those weeks where I question if I'm doing a good job teaching them. Then this happens, and it makes me question if I'm doing right by them when it comes to socializing.

 

I wish I was thicker-skinned. In the grand scheme of things, I know this is a very small bump in the road, but I'm still bummed. Any words of wisdom out there?

[Catwoman]

No words of wisdom. I would be upset, too. No one likes to see their kids being excluded.

 

I'm so sorry. Even if the birthday child had a strict limit on how many kids could attend her party, it still hurts to not make the cut. The worst part of this is that you will now view that girl and her mother differently, and you'll be worried that your dds will find out about the party.

 

:grouphug:

 

Edited to add -- This has nothing to do with you doing anything wrong in terms of socializing your kids. This could have happened to anyone, whether it was a homeschool family, a public school family, or a private school family. People are people, and some of them are going to disappoint us. Please don't blame yourself!

Edited March 27, 2017 by Catwoman

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[SKL]

Many people only allow their kids to invite 1 non-family friend to a party.  Unless you are sure that many similarly-situated kids were invited and yours were specifically excluded, then I would just assume the family doesn't do big birthday parties, rather than take it personally.

 

If you want to get together at a birthday or other party, I think it's on you to hold an event and invite all of those children.  Meanwhile, keep nurturing the relationships that have developed.  :)

[J-rap]

I'm sorry -- that would bother me too!  I could never understand how other parents could be so dense about stuff like that.  (I mean, it's okay if you're not going to invite my kids, or if your kids are going to a party that my kids weren't invited to, but at least have the decency to not talk about it with us!  :))

 

Perhaps in the future, if you want to cultivate those friendships, you could invite those two girls over to your house some afternoon after co-op, or to a park, or something like that.  I know it might not be your style to do that, but sometimes it's just little gestures like that that get friendships going.  Most likely, your girls think of those girls as good friends because they don't have any other friends, whereas those girls -- even though they may really enjoy your girls a lot at co-op -- don't see it that way simply because up til now, they have only been their "co-op friends."  I would suspect that those two girls are friends outside of co-op too.  

 

 

[Rebel Yell]

(snipped) Most likely, your girls think of those girls as good friends because they don't have any other friends, whereas those girls -- even though they may really enjoy your girls a lot at co-op -- don't see it that way simply because up til now, they have only been their "co-op friends." I would suspect that those two girls are friends outside of co-op too.

This exactly. It's happened to my girls, it's happened to me. almost never in a mean "We can't stand her, let's exclude her" way, just that we're seen as more casual activity friends, but it seems like more to us because those casual activity friends are al, we have.

 

Also, how old are your girls? Especially if they're older (high school) they may have actually been invited to the party but declined the invitation. My girls have declined invitations I never knew they got because the kids do the inviting. Reasons have varied from "I knew I had rehearsal/a show and couldn't go" to "I know their parties are unsupervised and aren't what I want to be involved in."

[Vintage81]

I'm sorry -- that would bother me too! I could never understand how other parents could be so dense about stuff like that. (I mean, it's okay if you're not going to invite my kids, or if your kids are going to a party that my kids weren't invited to, but at least have the decency to not talk about it with us! :))

 

Perhaps in the future, if you want to cultivate those friendships, you could invite those two girls over to your house some afternoon after co-op, or to a park, or something like that. I know it might not be your style to do that, but sometimes it's just little gestures like that that get friendships going. Most likely, your girls think of those girls as good friends because they don't have any other friends, whereas those girls -- even though they may really enjoy your girls a lot at co-op -- don't see it that way simply because up til now, they have only been their "co-op friends." I would suspect that those two girls are friends outside of co-op too.

This exactly. It's happened to my girls, it's happened to me. almost never in a mean "We can't stand her, let's exclude her" way, just that we're seen as more casual activity friends, but it seems like more to us because those casual activity friends are al, we have.

 

Also, how old are your girls? Especially if they're older (high school) they may have actually been invited to the party but declined the invitation. My girls have declined invitations I never knew they got because the kids do the inviting. Reasons have varied from "I knew I had rehearsal/a show and couldn't go" to "I know their parties are unsupervised and aren't what I want to be involved in."

Both of you are correct - the only friends DDs (who are 6 and 8 years old) have are the "casual activity friends," so I agree that they see these girls as closer friends since that's all they have.

 

They know these two girls the best though. Because I run the co-op with the other 2 moms, we have spent more time with them than any other kids. Over the past year and a half we've been to each others houses several times (for meetings to discuss the co-op), we know the other girls' siblings, I've met both Mom 1 and Mom 2's husbands, they know each other's pets, etc. OTOH, we've never had a "play date" with either and we don't participate in as many other activities as Mom 1 and Mom 2's daughters (park days, field trips, Girl Scouts).

 

I think because they know these 2 girls the best, that's why they'd be hurt at not being invited.

Many people only allow their kids to invite 1 non-family friend to a party. Unless you are sure that many similarly-situated kids were invited and yours were specifically excluded, then I would just assume the family doesn't do big birthday parties, rather than take it personally.

 

If you want to get together at a birthday or other party, I think it's on you to hold an event and invite all of those children. Meanwhile, keep nurturing the relationships that have developed. :)

Mom 1 does not have any family in the state, so I assume the party was just for friends. She did not mention what/where the party was, so there may have been a limit to the amount of kids they could have.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Vintage81

[Vintage81]

No words of wisdom. I would be upset, too. No one likes to see their kids being excluded.

 

I'm so sorry. Even if the birthday child had a strict limit on how many kids could attend her party, it still hurts to not make the cut. The worst part of this is that you will now view that girl and her mother differently, and you'll be worried that your dds will find out about the party.

 

:grouphug:

 

Edited to add -- This has nothing to do with you doing anything wrong in terms of socializing your kids. This could have happened to anyone, whether it was a homeschool family, a public school family, or a private school family. People are people, and some of them are going to disappoint us. Please don't blame yourself!

 

 

Thank you - I really appreciate your kind words.

[zoobie]

It always hurts to be left out, and it hurts more when it's your kids. I know the feeling too well. :grouphug: I hope they find their niche.

[Anne in CA]

This would hurt me a lot. My son had an intense personality and had few friends. He didn't care when he was small but as he got older he did. He has good friends as an adult but an adult has more ability to make friends because they can use their time however they like. I got upset when I thought ds was being left out. 

 

My youngest was the kid everyone wanted to be friends with, only a couple of times was she ever left out. Some girls tried to bully her in third grade, but she got through it and it made her more empathetic. She had a best friend "break up" with her this year and she was miserable for a bit but bounced back really well. 

[SKL]

My kids rarely get birthday invites, and that is fine with me.  I assume they are not best friends with the kids who are having parties.  (My kids are very active, and one of them is very social, but we don't do a lot of things with friends outside of structured activities.)  The big parties where a lot of kids are invited are few and far between, especially as the kids get older.

[NorthwestMom]

I have definitely been there, and this happens at public school too (where my kids currently are). One reason I left Facebook was seeing pics of kid parties that my kids were not invited to, and they would have been so hurt to see what they were missing.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

It always hurts to be left out, and it hurts more when it's your kids. I know the feeling too well. :grouphug: I hope they find their niche.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking.  Your feelings are perfectly valid.  :grouphug:

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[Selkie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  That would bother me, too.

[Peaceseeker]

I would choose to believe the best about this specific situation with the invite. Maybe they just did a little family thing and let their daughter invite one friend to sleep over or something. There is no way of knowing, but the mom obviously made a mistake mentioning it. I am sure she wishes she could take back the words and get her foot out of her mouth. I know I have made mistakes like that and then you hurt someone unintentionally. I am sorry you got hurt and I bet she is too.

 

I am sure your girls are lovely and there will be many other party invites and play dates in their future. Try to let this go. Luckily they don't even know about it so that is a big blessing for them right there. I would encourage you to get out there and try some of those park days and field trips. I know it is harder for shy introverts, but the time investments into making friends and a social group at this age pay off later. Middle school is tougher.

Edited March 28, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[Peaceseeker]

Also my daughter is a social butterfly and I tried to curb her last party to her top 15 friends, lol... Seriously it kept growing because we realised we might leave someone out or someone might talk to someone or get their feelings hurt. We settled at 18 invites (14 came). She knows never to talk about a party in any social setting where another uninvited child might hear about it. We talk a lot about empathy and how would she feel, etc... But then you can't control what her friends say (although she is old enough to know to shut it down if the conversation comes up and redirect). I would feel awful if someone got their feelings hurt but oh my goodness the madness had to stop somewhere!

 

So keep in mind that even if your daughters consider someone a close friend because they don't have as many friends, the other girl may be a total social butterfly that her mom has to cut off somewhere before she invites the entire state!

 

This is not exactly the problem I expected to have when I was warned about creating a weird unsocialized homeschooler...

Edited March 28, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[momacacia]

I've realized that for our family to have a social life, I have to create it. I have to plan the playdates, even with families we see at co-op, etc. Those are just places to meet people and is only the beginning. From there I have to call/text the parent, etc. We've had very few relationships, if any, which I didn't initiate much or most of the interaction. I just think people are really busy...attending co-ops. :)

[Miss Tick]

Man, it bothers you because it was rude. Whatever the reason for not inviting your family, it shouldn't be talked about in front if you without some kind of explanation (weak as it may be). I agree, though, that you should try setting up a playdate or three with them together and probably separately.

 

Consider mentioning to your dds that these girls have other playdates that you're dds aren't invited to, just so if it gets blurted out they have already had time to consider the possibility. Nothing specific, very low-key, just so it isn't a complete surprise.

 

So painful to see that kind of scenario happen to our kids.

[DawnM]

I am so sorry.

 

I am very sensitive to my kids not being invited.  I think it started when my oldest was not invited to quite a few things because he  has Asperger's and early on, he didn't make good friends.

 

He later has made friends and we are thankful.  But it was a long road and hurtful.

 

When my kids were younger I would push for the entire group of HSers, whatever that was, to come, but now I do let them choose.  But I don't post on FB or mention it if someone's kid isn't invited.  

 

 

[Bluegoat]

One thing I noticed with a good friend of ours is that when he started public school, he no longer invited kids from Sunday school to his birthday parties.  This is someone whose mum I've been friends with since we were 19 and we are still close now.

 

I haven't asked is mom about it of course, but I think the problem is simple for them - most of the kids he invites are from other groups where inviting one means inviting others, so it quickly builds up into a fair number of kids.  When you add cousins, it starts to become impossible to add even one kid from the Sunday School group - how to choose which one?

 

It's too bad this was mentioned accidentally, but I would try not to put too much weight on it. 

[Guest]

Why WOULDN'T it bother you!