17 year old boys

[Scarlett]

And 16 year olds.

 

What is your school night curfew?

Non school night curfew?

[goldberry]

A girl, but in general it was 10 or so on school nights.  Non school nights, usually the same but negotiable. It was more so, what will you be doing?  Okay, based on that you should be home around such and such.  Even on school nights, an occasional late evening was allowed based on the activity.  

 

Adding, I was more focused on knowing WHERE she was at all times.  She was asked to text me any time she was changing locations, and she did so reliably.

 

Edited March 27, 2017 by goldberry

[Joker]

We don't have a set one. It's on a case by case basis. Usually, ds is home no later than 10pm on school nights and midnight on non school nights. He is often home earlier but sometimes later. It just depends on what he's doing, who he's with, and how we feel about it.

[Bootsie]

We do not have a set school night or non-school night curfew.  Each event is taken on a case-by-case basis.  Where are you going?  What are you doing?  With whom are you going?  What needs to be done the next day?  

[gardenmom5]

I never had a set "curfew".  they were generally home by 9ish on school nights (later if there was a reason).  and I always knew where they were when they were out later on weekends.   we always had open communication about where they were going.

 

 

[Scarlett]

i too go on a case by case basis, I have to know where he is and who he is with....but I guess I am asking what is the latest on school/ work nights you like for them to be out.....not just for their benefit but for other people in the house who have to get up,early and go to work.

[AK_Mom4]

My kids always had 6:30am Jazz Band in high school, so school nights we tried to shut the house down by 9pm. Everyone off in their rooms being quiet. Most nights this worked, though performances threw this off.

 

Weekends was midnight across the board. If they needed to be out past midnight (movie or late night event), they needed to arrange it in advance or else call and talk to a parent first. Roads are too dangerous in winter for them to be out without someone knowing where they are. Summers are a different story here - it's light until 2am and everyone is up late. They did this until they left for college.

 

DD15's the only one left at home with a curfew, but since she doesn't drive yet it's really not an issue as either DH, DS21 or I has to pick her up. Once she gets her license, she will be set for midnight like the others, with the same expectations.

Edited March 27, 2017 by AK_Mom4

[Scarlett]

Ok. That is something like I was looking for.

 

Dh and I have to come up with a standard and stop this incessant , 'oh please just a little longer' texting. It is exhausting.

[Anne in CA]

We had an end time for every day, every event and there was no more just a little longer stuff because we had all talked about the time before hand. Once in a great while things run over. Not as much as teens would have you think, however. 

[DawnM]

No set curfew, but it depends on what they are doing and who they are with, and who is providing transportation.

 

We made our 17 year old come home at midnight from an after-party. I think some kids stayed until 2am.  He drove himself, so we just weren't comfortable with that.

[Pawz4me]

We never had a set curfew for our boys. To us it seemed like something that could potentially end in disaster by making them speed to get home, and DS21 in particular was often involved in school related extra curriculars that kept him out very late sometimes. Plus we allowed our boys to regulate their own bedtimes from when they were around eight or so. Those things worked for us, but I know that some kids do need firmer guidelines (and some parents need to get to sleep early and/or are light sleepers). More important than a curfew to us was them letting us know about what time we should expect them home.

[Guest]

i too go on a case by case basis, I have to know where he is and who he is with....but I guess I am asking what is the latest on school/ work nights you like for them to be out.....not just for their benefit but for other people in the house who have to get up,early and go to work.

I'm not a curfew person, either; we're case-by-case, but under your revised question, being later than 11 on school nights would need a really good reason and probably 12 for non-school nights.

[Liza Q]

We do 3 things.

 

1. If we are picking him up, we consider the event and then pick him up when it is convenient for us.

 

2. If he is being driven home by the parents of one of his friends (none of his friends drive) or the youth pastor (who often drives a bunch of kids home), we let it go. I make sure I have a general idea of when the event will be over and I expect a text if things are running late.

 

3. If he is taking the subway/bus home, we expect him home by 10, even on the weekends. He calls/texts when he leaves. There are some things we won't let him do unless he will definitely get a ride home, as it is too late/far to get home by mass transportation early enough.

 

And we always know where he is heading. If things change, he lets us know. And he knows that we would not respond well to "just a little more time" unless it was accompanied by "and Mr. so-and-so will drive me home".

 

ETA: I forgot to add -

 

I will let him stay out later than I would like even if it disrupts my sleep because my husband/daughter are not awakened when he gets home late. And I am willing to put up with the inconvenience because I can  sleep in or catch a nap the next day if I need to. And...youth group is only every other week. And... his friends are either in school or have totally different home school schedules, so he doesn't get together with them often. So when he has the chance, I prioritize it...so long as my husband can get to sleep on time. Which means a ride!

 

Edited March 27, 2017 by Liza Q

[J-rap]

Generally, it was 10pm on school nights and midnight on weekend nights.  We live in a small town and the kids were never over 10 minutes away. 

[1GirlTwinBoys]

Nothing good happens after midnight.  :)

[Scarlett]

I'm not a curfew person, either; we're case-by-case, but under your revised question, being later than 11 on school nights would need a really good reason and probably 12 for non-school nights.

I am thinking about 10:30 on school nights and midnight on non school nights. And also not going somewhere every single night. Friday he went into the city to ice skate ( 45 min drive) and he got home at almost 1:00., I was in contact with him and he was with two young responsible adults.

 

So I dont think I am unreasonable. Hard to,tell sometimes when he is constantly trying to get me to let him stay just a little longer.

[bettyandbob]

We don't have curfews. Child says where he is, what he's doing and we come up with a time.

[regentrude]

We don't have curfews. Kids tell us where they go. They are home when they are done with whatever they are doing.

What would be your purpose of a set curfew?

 

ETA: DS is somewhere most nights of the week. Twice he drives to the city, 100 miles away, for training and does not get home until midnight. A few nights he trains in a closer city or in town and it's earlier.

 

At 17, DD was at college and I had no control over her evenings anyway.

 

 

Edited March 27, 2017 by regentrude

[Rebel Yell]

All girls here...

 

I'll answer for the young gentleman (boyfriend) because they are in the age range you asked about...

 

BF16, public schooled, 7am bus: when he's visiting here on a school night, he usually has to be home around 9:00. Non-school nights, I don't know of his curfew but if SweetChild is driving him home he has to be home by 10:45 so she can be home before her junior driver license curfew of 11:00. (He doesn't have his license yet)

 

For both DD 17 and DD 15 there is no set time for every day no matter what. If DD17 is driving, she has to be home by 11 due to state law for junior driver's license. I HATE that, wish it was midnight.

 

Friends are welcome here anytime, all hours. Just keep it quiet after midnight so office workers can get some sleep.

 

If another parent is driving my kids home, whatever time works for them works for me. I figure if I wanted them home at a particular time it would be my responsibility to go get them. Same if I am a driver for other children. I try to be respectful of their parents wishes for return time, but I will not be a slave to it.

 

In general, regular hanging out and eating would have an expectation to be home earlier, or by 11:00 driver curfew at the latest. Special events, especially those not close to home, can go later. Things like concerts, musicals/theatre productions, sporting events. Teens can eat dinner out at 5:00 close to home, but you can't change the start time or location of a show, KWIM?

[Guest]

No curfew. No trips to NYC without informing us. No riding with anyone on a junior license. Must inform a day in advance if going to Canada so appropriate health insurance is in place. If livng at home, must inform us of pullovers, tickets, and call when reaching destination if foggy or the deer are out.

[Scarlett]

We don't have curfews. Kids tell us where they go. They are home when they are done with whatever they are doing.

What would be your purpose of a set curfew?

 

ETA: DS is somewhere most nights of the week. Twice he drives to the city, 100 miles away, for training and does not get home until midnight. A few nights he trains in a closer city or in town and it's earlier.

 

At 17, DD was at college and I had no control over her evenings anyway.

The purpose of a curfew......hmmmm......partly my peace of mind so I can settle in for the night.

 

I am having trouble expressing my concern or irritation. It seems no matter what time I say he always wants more and he always has a fantastic reason, so thus the need for a set time that he better not ask to extend. I don't know. Am still musing on it.

 

He also isn't getting his school work done so I didn't let him go out any last mon through Thursday.....he was out a lot this weekend and had a ton of fun.....last night was a school night and I let both boys stay out until 10:30. His school work still isn't caught up so again no running around after work this week.

 

It is exhausting.

[The Girls' Mom]

10:30 here for everyone (even the 20 year old) unless prior arrangements are made.  20 year old has been asked to find another place to crash for the night if she wants to be out much later than that.  This is because dh has health issues, sleeps poorly anyway, and being woken up by the dog in the middle of the night pretty much ruins any rest he may be actually getting.  We go to bed at 10:30, and expect the entire household to not be disrupted after that.  (You cannot come in quietly with our dog...it is impossible)

We do make exceptions if there is an event like a party or dance that we are told about beforehand.  

[Scarlett]

A side note is that Dh starts a new job Wednesday and we will be getting up at 5:30 a.m every day. We really need our sleep and I can't sleep until they are home.

 

Another side note we live 10 miles out, near a lake and they have to pass two bars to get home as well as travel over a long dyke that I saw a truck rolled off of and smashed to bits the other day..... I worry about drunks on the road and deer. But deer jump out at dusk more than 11 p.m....I don't know. Just rambling.

[Scarlett]

10:30 here for everyone (even the 20 year old) unless prior arrangements are made. 20 year old has been asked to find another place to crash for the night if she wants to be out much later than that. This is because dh has health issues, sleeps poorly anyway, and being woken up by the dog in the middle of the night pretty much ruins any rest he may be actually getting. We go to bed at 10:30, and expect the entire household to not be disrupted after that. (You cannot come in quietly with our dog...it is impossible)

 

We do make exceptions if there is an event like a party or dance that we are told about beforehand.

This is pretty much our situation. I think 10:30 is reasonable unless as you say a weekend or trip into the city.

[Guest]

Deer are nuts. At 11 pm here they stand in the middle of the road.

[HomeAgain]

We don't have a curfew.

 

We slowly ease into an adult standing in this household.  By 16 at the latest, our rules become more of a safety thing - I need to know who you're with, where you are, and what your plans are for the evening.  I'm not going to micro manage beyond that point unless you screw up: not doing homework, chores, or keeping up with commitments. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

16 y.o. girl but for us it won't make a difference.  We never intended there to be a set time (DS and DD are the kind of kids who come home early and only stay out late for really good reason).  DSD is another bird altogether, she'd never come home if she could help it (it's not us, she's just super social and wants to be with friends 24/7). So since she still needs me to drive her around and all her friends are P.S. students her "curfew" is 10 pm (but usually 9 since I have to go to bed).  Any later and she has to find her own way home, with an approved person (parent/older sibling of friend). Since all her friends have a curfew of 10 ish we don't really have to make a big issue.  

 

 

ETA: Once she gets a license then we'll probably give our cars a curfew of 11 (since the city has a curfew of 11).  Once she has her own car then it's up to her and we may only see her when she needs to do laundry.

 

 

Edited March 27, 2017 by foxbridgeacademy

[Catwoman]

We don't have a curfew.

 

We slowly ease into an adult standing in this household. By 16 at the latest, our rules become more of a safety thing - I need to know who you're with, where you are, and what your plans are for the evening. I'm not going to micro manage beyond that point unless you screw up: not doing homework, chores, or keeping up with commitments.

It sounds like he's not getting his work done and that's part of the problem. Also, it's tough when a kid keeps pushing the limits and wanting to stay out a little later every time.

 

We're not curfew people, either, but in Scarlett's situation, I can understand why she is considering implementing one.

[regentrude]

The purpose of a curfew......hmmmm......partly my peace of mind so I can settle in for the night.

 

I am having trouble expressing my concern or irritation. It seems no matter what time I say he always wants more and he always has a fantastic reason, so thus the need for a set time that he better not ask to extend. I don't know. Am still musing on it.

 

He also isn't getting his school work done so I didn't let him go out any last mon through Thursday.....he was out a lot this weekend and had a ton of fun.....last night was a school night and I let both boys stay out until 10:30. His school work still isn't caught up so again no running around after work this week.

 

If he is not getting his work done, he should not be leaving for the activity until he is done. Punishing him with a curfew makes no sense to me, because he certainly is not going to do his schoolwork once he gets home at 10:30pm.

 

I get up early and go to bed hours before DS gets home. In the beginning, when he just started to drive himself, I was nervous and that was difficult, but I have worked on it. Also, I realized that me staying up until he gets home does not accomplish anything useful.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, I might step into the kitchen, see that he dumped his gym bag on the floor and know he made it home. But I no longer sleep lightly and wake at the sound of the garage door because my subconscious is listening for him. 

 

I would find it unfair to tell him he cannot pursue his interests just because I can't get myself not to worry. My grandma drove my dad nuts with that, way into adulthood.

[regentrude]

Oh, I want to add: we DID have a rule when the kids were under the new driver law which prohibited young drivers from driving between 1am and 5am. Our rule was that they could not drive during those hours; they either had to be home by 1am or, if DD was still at her friend's, she would stay over and come home when it was legal for her to drive. All I required was a text so I'd  know where she was.

[Scarlett]

Oh, I want to add: we DID have a rule when the kids were under the new driver law which prohibited young drivers from driving between 1am and 5am. Our rule was that they could not drive during those hours; they either had to be home by 1am or, if DD was still at her friend's, she would stay over and come home when it was legal for her to drive. All I required was a text so I'd know where she was.

He has his full license now, no restrictions on time.

 

 

I am not punishing him with a curfew. I just think it is reasonable that a 17 year old be home at a decent hour. He needs rest and doesn't have the life experience yet to realize how sleep deprived he gets himself. His room and his bathroom both butt up next to us. There is no way not to hear him come in no matter how quiet he is.

 

School is a seperate issue I guess. He needs to get it caught up.

[Scarlett]

16 y.o. girl but for us it won't make a difference. We never intended there to be a set time (DS and DD are the kind of kids who come home early and only stay out late for really good reason). DSD is another bird altogether, she'd never come home if she could help it (it's not us, she's just super social and wants to be with friends 24/7). So since she still needs me to drive her around and all her friends are P.S. students her "curfew" is 10 pm (but usually 9 since I have to go to bed). Any later and she has to find her own way home, with an approved person (parent/older sibling of friend). Since all her friends have a curfew of 10 ish we don't really have to make a big issue.

 

 

ETA: Once she gets a license then we'll probably give our cars a curfew of 11 (since the city has a curfew of 11). Once she has her own car then it's up to her and we may only see her when she needs to do laundry.

Yes that is my son. He is social and wants to be with his friends all of the time.

 

Talking about this has helped me get it straight,

 

School work has to be done. So no going out during the week. For weekends I do just go on case by case. For instance on Friday night it was almost 1:00 when he got home but he had been in the city which is an hour away and had to drop off several friends etc. so I was fine with it. He came in and said thanks for letting me go mom. :)

[regentrude]

I just think it is reasonable that a 17 year old be home at a decent hour.

 

 "Reasonable" and "decent" are not well defined terms. Why is it "reasonable"? What does that mean?

I am not saying that you should have no curfew, just that a statement like this does not make any more sense than simply saying "because I want him to".

 

 

He needs rest and doesn't have the life experience yet to realize how sleep deprived he gets himself. 

 

If a 17 y/o has not yet learned to self regulate his sleep, he needs to learn soon, because in less than a year he will be a legal adult.

 

I have given my kids control over their bedtime at age 6 and used the teen years to give them more and more freedom so that they can be successful managing their lives when they are no longer under my legal authority. 

I prefer that they can explore their freedom while still in the safety net of living with us at home, rather than being overwhelmed and dizzy with the sudden removal of rules once they turn adults.

YMMV.

[bettyandbob]

Behind in school means not going out socially. That's not a curfew issues to me.

[Scarlett]

"Reasonable" and "decent" are not well defined terms. Why is it "reasonable"? What does that mean?

I am not saying that you should have no curfew, just that a statement like this does not make any more sense than simply saying "because I want him to".

 

 

If a 17 y/o has not yet learned to self regulate his sleep, he needs to learn soon, because in less than a year he will be a legal adult.

 

I have given my kids control over their bedtime at age 6 and used the teen years to give them more and more freedom so that they can be successful managing their lives when they are no longer under my legal authority.

I prefer that they can explore their freedom while still in the safety net of living with us at home, rather than being overwhelmed and dizzy with the sudden removal of rules once they turn adults.

YMMV.

He has a lot of freedom. And he is a good kid.

 

Reasonable in the sense of people who have to get up in the morning for school or job tend to get home and get to bed by 10 or so. Reasonable in that so many people go to bed by then that it is seen as impolite to phone someone after that hour. Reasonable in that when you live with other people you should be considerate of their schedules.

[Bluegoat]

I can see the point in a curfew - it means the young person is on his own time, so long as he is home at that point.  It gives a framework.  No need to check in and tell parents what the plan is, unless it goes outside the framework.

 

When I was that age, I was often out and about with my friends, we didn't always have a plan.  I knew when I was expected home so it gave me a lot of freedom.

 

Scarlett, if there is a real issue with getting work done, I'd suggest discussing it with him.  But I don't know that a curfew will help - if he's in by 10, say, on weeknights, it isn't like that will give him extra time to work.  He needs to make a plan for getting it done earlier.

[Scarlett]

I can see the point in a curfew - it means the young person is on his own time, so long as he is home at that point. It gives a framework. No need to check in and tell parents what the plan is, unless it goes outside the framework.

 

When I was that age, I was often out and about with my friends, we didn't always have a plan. I knew when I was expected home so it gave me a lot of freedom.

 

Scarlett, if there is a real issue with getting work done, I'd suggest discussing it with him. But I don't know that a curfew will help - if he's in by 10, say, on weeknights, it isn't like that will give him extra time to work. He needs to make a plan for getting it done earlier.

I didn't let him go out at all during the week last week....and he still didn't finish his work. He still has two math assignments and a revision in two literature papers to finish. He doesn't have a lot if time during the week except after he gets off work at 5. So he has to make use of that time.

 

He only has 2 months left and then he can enjoy his summer. His senior year should be easier.....no math at all and several easy electives.....only semi hard course will be a Lit course and one semester of government.

[Murphy101]

I never had a curfew. Neither have any of my kids. It never had anything to do with their grades.

[Murphy101]

He has a lot of freedom. And he is a good kid.

 

Reasonable in the sense of people who have to get up in the morning for school or job tend to get home and get to bed by 10 or so. Reasonable in that so many people go to bed by then that it is seen as impolite to phone someone after that hour. Reasonable in that when you live with other people you should be considerate of their schedules.

Umm. None of that applies to me or many other people I know.

 

I'm regularly up until 1am. My *friends and family* can and do call anytime. Or text, they will text first and figure if I don't answer I must be asleep or busy. Some of my kids don't get off work until well past 10pm. If my friend is driving past and sees the kitchen light on or my kid come in the house and my bedroom light is on - they quietly knock on the door and we might chat for hours.

 

None of that has ever had anything to do with how hard working or responsible any of us are.

[Bluegoat]

I didn't let him go out at all during the week last week....and he still didn't finish his work. He still has two math assignments and a revision in two literature papers to finish. He doesn't have a lot if time during the week except after he gets off work at 5. So he has to make use of that time.

 

He only has 2 months left and then he can enjoy his summer. His senior year should be easier.....no math at all and several easy electives.....only semi hard course will be a Lit course and one semester of government.

 

Well, it seems to me under the circumstances that a curfew isn't going to help.  He doesn't want to do the work, or thinks he can't, or he can't motivate himself.  At that age, you can encourage him, but he knows what the stakes are and he has to do the work.  The goals have to be his.

 

I'd talk to him about it.  Maybe he feels overwhelmed.

[Catwoman]

A side note is that Dh starts a new job Wednesday and we will be getting up at 5:30 a.m every day. We really need our sleep and I can't sleep until they are home.

 

Another side note we live 10 miles out, near a lake and they have to pass two bars to get home as well as travel over a long dyke that I saw a truck rolled off of and smashed to bits the other day..... I worry about drunks on the road and deer. But deer jump out at dusk more than 11 p.m....I don't know. Just rambling.

Congratulations to your dh on his new job!!! :party:

[Bootsie]

 

Reasonable in the sense of people who have to get up in the morning for school or job tend to get home and get to bed by 10 or so. Reasonable in that so many people go to bed by then that it is seen as impolite to phone someone after that hour. Reasonable in that when you live with other people you should be considerate of their schedules.

This is not the case in our home.  Every semester I teach at least one night class and so does my husband.  These classes end anywhere from 9:15pm-10:30pm and then we have to drive home.  I would not phone most people past this time, but I have a number of friends that I do phone after my class is out, and a number of friends who know that is the best time to reach me.  

 

I have one child who can come in to the house and make very little noise.  I have another child who makes much more noise being home--somehow if that child needs to turn off the light after reading in bed or get up and go to the bathroom is very noisy.  So, being home doesn't necessarily decrease the disturbance to those who need to get some sleep.

[Scarlett]

Umm. None of that applies to me or many other people I know.

 

I'm regularly up until 1am. My *friends and family* can and do call anytime. Or text, they will text first and figure if I don't answer I must be asleep or busy. Some of my kids don't get off work until well past 10pm. If my friend is driving past and sees the kitchen light on or my kid come in the house and my bedroom light is on - they quietly knock on the door and we might chat for hours.

 

None of that has ever had anything to do with how hard working or responsible any of us are.

 

 

I didn't say it was an indication of how hard working anyone else is.  I said it is a normal thing for a lot of people that they get up at 5:30 a.m. and so would like to be in bed by 10 or 11 at night.  

[Scarlett]

I never had a curfew. Neither have any of my kids. It never had anything to do with their grades.

 

 

Well, I don't think it has much to do with his grades.  The grades are an issue but I am mostly just rambling because I want to know what time he will be coming home and I want it to be by 10:30 or so and I just wondered if I really am as hopelessly out of step with the rest of the world as my son would have me believe.  I don't want to marsh his mellow but I definitely need some structure.  I don't do well without it.

[Murphy101]

Well, I don't think it has much to do with his grades. The grades are an issue but I am mostly just rambling because I want to know what time he will be coming home and I want it to be by 10:30 or so and I just wondered if I really am as hopelessly out of step with the rest of the world as my son would have me believe. I don't want to marsh his mellow but I definitely need some structure. I don't do well without it.

Ah well now. I know when and where my tribe people are. I know if a son is going to be out until 1 and he will text or call if that changes. Bc even if I go to sleep, I'll wake up at 1:15 and freak out if he didn't make it wondering if anything happened. I think it's fine to expect to know where our tribe is and when to expect them. I don't think that has anything to do with curfew but I do think it is considerate and reasonable especially of those under the same roof.

[Scarlett]

Well, it seems to me under the circumstances that a curfew isn't going to help. He doesn't want to do the work, or thinks he can't, or he can't motivate himself. At that age, you can encourage him, but he knows what the stakes are and he has to do the work. The goals have to be his.

 

I'd talk to him about it. Maybe he feels overwhelmed.

He is overwhelmed and under motivated to do his high school work. I get it. I really do. He loves his CAD course and he is doing super in it. He loves his job, loves his friends, loves his car.....this high school is just a huge burden to him.

[Audrey]

And 16 year olds.

 

What is your school night curfew?

Non school night curfew?

 

 

Mine is 17.

 

School nights, it's 10pm to be back in the house.

 

Non school nights, he doesn't have a curfew.  I expect that he will tell me where he is or is going.  If he's playing a gig, I expect that he will let me know when he's on his way home.  He's good about keeping my expectations, so I'm not terribly bothered about the precise time he texts, calls or arrives home.

 

ETA: I just read the part about schoolwork not getting done.  That's a separate issue and our rule is that chores and schoolwork need to be completed before going out. 

 

I think that your need to be able to have enough sleep is valid.  With an older teen, I am tending to take a more "adult conversation" approach with him.  If I needed him to be in earlier so I wasn't awakened by him coming home, I would explain that to him and ask him to please be sure to be home before my bedtime.  It's a courtesy a considerate person extends to another.  I don't think it's too much to ask.  I only think the question is in what is the best way to ask him. (But, I don't know him, so only you could answer that).

Edited March 28, 2017 by Audrey

[Liza Q]

You mentioned that your husband is starting a new job and he will have to get up earlier. Will your son coming in later affect his sleep?  If so, maybe your husband should speak to your son, sort of man-to-man, about consideration and adult responsibilities. That might have way more weight to your son than just "Mom wants me home early because she is hopelessly out of step."

 

Another thought. Our older girls lived at home through college so we had many years of working our schedules out to accommodate everyone's needs. Work and school, no matter whose, was the priority. I adjusted by learning to go to sleep even if they were out. They adjusted by checking in by text even if they were at the best.party.ever. if their plans had changed. Not coming home 20m later than planned, but not coming home at all, kwim?

 

So maybe I am more relaxed with our son because I've already gone through it with the three girls, so we've all already settled what is reasonable, what works, etc.

 

Last thought lol. My son might be a little behind in his schoolwork but he'll catch-up easily. So I will let him go out socially even if he has some work to do. But if being behind were a regular thing, I wouldn't let him go out just for fun. Work and lessons and team sports are commitments, but pizza and parties are not. Curfew would be the least of his problems!

[regentrude]

He is overwhelmed and under motivated to do his high school work. I get it. I really do. He loves his CAD course and he is doing super in it. He loves his job, loves his friends, loves his car.....this high school is just a huge burden to him.

 

 

Maybe it is a question of HOW he schools? Can you restructure his schooling? Does he have to do the online school? (That would have been awful for both my kids.)

How much freedom does he have in his schooling? Does he have choices in materials, subjects, schedule?

Is there a lot of busywork in his courses? (My kids would have balked at that)

Edited March 28, 2017 by regentrude

[Annie G]

Ok. That is something like I was looking for.

 

Dh and I have to come up with a standard and stop this incessant , 'oh please just a little longer' texting. It is exhausting.

 

This would make me set a curfew or at least have ds tell you before he leaves what time he'll be home.  The texting for extensions would irritate me.   

 

We go to sleep early because dh gets up at 4 AM.  Our kids sleep late when they can. So we are all mindful of the needs of the family- they come home at a reasonable time at night and are quiet when we're in bed, and dh and I are quiet in the mornings when the rest of the house is sleeping.  

 

It really sounds like school is the real problem- like you said, he loves other things but not school. So he's making that his last priority.  It's not easy to turn that around, especially when the real goal at this age is to teach him to self regulate.  If he doesn't learn that now, college might be tough. (And shorter than 4 years if he flunks out)  But I'm not sure setting a curfew is going to fix that issue.