How do you grow old happily? (loss)(time can be a ....)

[Janeway]

We basically lost 3 members of the older generation since December. The three did not die but rather ended up where they cannot go home, the damage has been too severe and they will not recover. The one from the surgery in December that I mention before could maybe go home eventually, but his wife had a stroke while he was in the hospital and she is only, as it is described to me, doesn't really move, will be awake and asleep and say some words, but doesn't make much sense. Is not expected to recover more than that. The other person, who became ill before the one who had surgery in December, also is not recovering. And that one, I was not told about right away, but I really just loved and adored him (he is my uncle).

 

AND, the house sold. The old family home. And my other uncle, has moved away to be near his child. But, he has a disability and doesn't talk on the phone or anything. So I do not even know if I will ever get to see or speak to him again. Which is so sad as he was an amazing person. And he was non-judgemental and so intelligent too and we had the most fascinating conversations and my children LOVED him. And when the house having sold, like I said before..so many memories of this relative or that, both my aunts of that generation have died. Also, I have NO family back in that part of the country now. We had considered purchasing that house, but because of the small town/ruralness of where the house is, it would be difficult to have a career from there so it would have been more of a vacation home. But I really could have seen raising my children there. 

 

But the advice I am asking is, how do you grow old, happily? I know I should focus on what I have, but that does not change what I have lost. One thing that has amazed me is how little interest the younger generation has to keeping touch. I even stopped sending Christmas cards to the younger members (still send cards to the older ones, even the ones in homes who do not send ones to me because I figure they just can't) because they never sent us one and never seemed interested in even saying hello. It used to feel like we had this big happy family. Now, the only grandparent left for my children is moving in to a home herself. 

 

OK, not looking for pity, just good solid advice on this. How do you see this? I would think it is all about how you view this change or moving on in life. I know time passes. I have watched loved older ones face one death after another of their friends. The remaining grandparent actually has an app on her phone for obituaries so she can keep track of which of her friends died that week. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

The younger generation keeps in touch A LOT.  You just have to be willing to keep in touch with them in the way they keep in touch.

 

Sometimes you can't grow old happily (in my pessimistic opinion).  Sometimes life really does just suck.  You deal I guess.  I know that's not uplifting, but it's the truth. 

 

 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I imagine it depends on the person, but some general ideas might be:

 

- Maintain health and activity levels as much as possible.

- Prevent isolation

- Find a way to continue to contribute after retirement- volunteering, part-time work, community projects, local politics, family involvement...

 

Our octogenarian neighbors have lunch visits or are out visiting at least 3x a week.  They walk a copule miles each day, they participate in local politics and community meetings, they are extremely helpful to fellow neighbors...  They do have children who they see regularly, but it is by far friends and social networks that are meeting their needs to avoid isolation.  They also have a pretty fatalistic view of death and declining health and estimate they attend 2-3 funerals a month at this point in their lives.  It doesn't seem to bother them.  

[Carol in Cal.]

I imagine that your younger rellies appreciated your cards, and felt in touch with you because you sent them.

I think one of the keys to happy elderhood is not expecting exact reciprocity.

 

Another is to realize that family is not as crucial in this culture in the middle years as it is early and later, so if you do a little to maintain those relationships you'll probably find them improving down the road.  I have a relative in her 80s who just volunteered to care for another who is 93--they haven't been *that* close over the years, and haven't seen each other in quite a while, but there is still enough of a bond that when push came to shove, the 80YO stepped up.  Of course, she is twice widowed so she doesn't have other obligations at present.  

 

Another is cultivate your actual friendships as well as your relatives.  

 

Another is to be a Renaissance person--then you'll always have something cool to ponder.  Classical education is a fantastic foundation for this.

[Janeway]

The younger generation keeps in touch A LOT.  You just have to be willing to keep in touch with them in the way they keep in touch.

 

Sometimes you can't grow old happily (in my pessimistic opinion).  Sometimes life really does just suck.  You deal I guess.  I know that's not uplifting, but it's the truth. 

 

I know my cousins are not really on FB, the ones that are my own, first cousins. They still sort of keep in touch. But the main issue is how far apart we are. It is the 2nd and third cousins I am referencing. When we grew up, the entire extended family, which was not that big at the time, would always get together. It was small town area. These cousins were not too close in age and I never lived close to them, but still saw them every summer. As the years went by, we drifted, but I would still see them, less and less often, but during the summer. Now, the last time I saw them was 2012. I have sent emails and texts but got no answer. I think I am too far on the outside from their family. I am just some extended relative with no actual contact as our related family members between us have all passed on. 

[elegantlion]

I agree about the keeping in touch. I think young adults are more connected than ever, they just don't send Christmas cards that much. 

 

As for getting older? Hang around younger people. I'm almost 50 and a college student. Most of my friends are mid 20s to early 30s. There are days when I feel old around them, but it's mostly because I do have a few aches and pains. They have hope for the future. Me alone is a bit more cynical. My mom is 80 and the reality is that more of her friends are dying than not. She stays young by not focusing on health issues (she has the luxury to not do so), she has hobbies and talks on the phone a lot, but she has a young mindset. 

 

My philosophy is that we're all going to die and we might as well enjoy the ride while we are here. That's going to mean different things to different people. Last summer my mom and got a house together, ds lives with us too. It's been great in many ways. It was a good practical decision for all of us. 

 

I do have fears about getting physically incapacitated to the point I'm not living, then I want some options as to quality of life. My dad passed away before he got to that point, we realize that was a blessing for us and for him. 

 

I do think finding ways to stay in touch with younger people has been helpful.

[eternalsummer]

Well, to some degree in my experience as you get older you break away from your birth family somewhat and create a new family with your DH and kids and eventually their kids.  Your nieces and nephews might not be a big deal in your life but your grandkids will be :)  This is a difficult stage, though - you're old enough (I assume mid thirties or so) to have seen some death and sort of recognize that your own time is limited but not old enough to have really started to come to terms with it.  At least that is how it has been for me.  I think that when I am older I will have made more peace with the idea.

 

Also, my oldest is 11; I think in a decade or so, when she is out and about and has maybe started to think about a family, we'll feel a little less isolated.  When you are the only adults in your family circle, as older ones die and the youngers aren't old enough to be adultish yet, it seems lonelier.

[Janeway]

I imagine that your younger rellies appreciated your cards, and felt in touch with you because you sent them.

I think one of the keys to happy elderhood is not expecting exact reciprocity.

 

Another is to realize that family is not as crucial in this culture in the middle years as it is early and later, so if you do a little to maintain those relationships you'll probably find them improving down the road.  I have a relative in her 80s who just volunteered to care for another who is 93--they haven't been *that* close over the years, and haven't seen each other in quite a while, but there is still enough of a bond that when push came to shove, the 80YO stepped up.  Of course, she is twice widowed so she doesn't have other obligations at present.  

 

Another is cultivate your actual friendships as well as your relatives.  

 

Another is to be a Renaissance person--then you'll always have something cool to ponder.  Classical education is a fantastic foundation for this.

Hate to sound stupid, but how would you define Renaissance person? Would that be like my uncle who is very smart and knows so much?

 

I should add, there is a culture issue here. I grew up near an Indian reservation (I am only part American Indian) and in with people who had close ties to their heritage. Now, I have none of that. I am on the otherside of the country and even the American Indian culture that does exist not so far from here, it is a completely different tribe, which is completely not the same. I cannot relate. I felt "connected" on the land that I am from. Which is so weird. But I always felt so centered and so whole when I was there. It is so hard to explain, I feel like I am just crazy even stating that a PLACE or a land could make be feel "real" or "whole." The other part of me is Danish. And the town used to be a Danish community, so it always had the remaining culture there too. 

[eternalsummer]

The younger generation keeps in touch A LOT.  You just have to be willing to keep in touch with them in the way they keep in touch.

 

Sometimes you can't grow old happily (in my pessimistic opinion).  Sometimes life really does just suck.  You deal I guess.  I know that's not uplifting, but it's the truth. 

 

 

My dad used to say, "life's a b@#%, then you die."

 

I always thought he was mostly joking, but he did live in low to moderate pain for most of the years I knew him, and had quite a hard childhood and some real trials as a young adult.  So I dunno.  

 

Strangely enough, I think he was happy on the whole, especially once he acquired grandkids.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I know my cousins are not really on FB, the ones that are my own, first cousins. They still sort of keep in touch. But the main issue is how far apart we are. It is the 2nd and third cousins I am referencing. When we grew up, the entire extended family, which was not that big at the time, would always get together. It was small town area. These cousins were not too close in age and I never lived close to them, but still saw them every summer. As the years went by, we drifted, but I would still see them, less and less often, but during the summer. Now, the last time I saw them was 2012. I have sent emails and texts but got no answer. I think I am too far on the outside from their family. I am just some extended relative with no actual contact as our related family members between us have all passed on. 

 

Oh I hear you.  I have NO family nearby.  NONE.  My husband's family lives in another country.  It is not easy.  Holidays are just us.  I don't make friends easily (I'm ok with it, that's just how I am).

 

I don't know what the answer to that is.  Some people are very social and bubbly and meet people and invite them over.  I'm not one of these people.  But then I have my own things that keep me busy.  We've created our own traditions.  When my kids are launched I've got stuff I want to do.  That keeps me going for now.  I try to focus on the here and now because that's all I have for sure. 

 

In terms of the growing old part.  I might be a little jaded in that department.  Some people are fortunate to grow old without too many debilitating health problems.  My mother died from cancer at 49.  She spent years prior to that trying to endure treatments that weren't ever going to cure her.  So she didn't get to grow old.  She didn't get to be all that happy.  But I dunno, despite that, she somehow had a pretty good attitude.  She made the most of the time she had in the best way she could.  She lived day to day. I don't think she died unhappy.  I think she was relieved. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I imagine that your younger rellies appreciated your cards, and felt in touch with you because you sent them.

 

I have a younger cousin (she is the youngest in the family and I am the oldest..with regards to cousins on the only side of the family I have any).  She sends me cards for x-mas.  I have zero contact with her otherwise, but I do enjoy her cards. 

[chiguirre]

 

- Maintain health and activity levels as much as possible.

- Prevent isolation

- Find a way to continue to contribute after retirement- volunteering, part-time work, community projects, local politics, family involvement...

 

 

This!

 

My parents are pretty happy people but they're relatively easy to please. They walk a couple of miles a day and eat healthy. My mom still works. That isn't always a bed of roses, but she likes to get up, get dressed (she's very much a fashionista) and go to the office. She's a receptionist and data base clerk so the job isn't very stressful but she enjoys seeing people all day and complaining about her boss to me. It's like her own personal participative soap opera and she doesn't want to miss an episode. My dad has a chat board for old, Hungarian guys where they argue about politics all day. It keeps him busy and engaged in the world. Nothing my parents do is earth shattering but it keeps them healthy and busy. Some of their friends and almost all of their family members have died but they keep on keeping on with their own activities.

[Julie Smith]

My mom has many siblings. The tentative plan right now is that they will get a bungalow together and hire a nurse. They will then spent all day, "solving the worlds probelms, and drinking beer". (That is what they say they are doing when they get together and have lunch that lasts till dinner time since they are 'discussing' and 'arguring' around the dinner table.

 

So if my parents are in the same home as several aunts and uncles they will get constant visitors since ever visitor can do double duty. I would go see my parents and at the same time my aunts and uncles.

 

Right now it is a tentative plan since they are all still relatively young, and due to good genetics will not need nursing care for some time. Several still work full time, and those that don't travel internationally and volunteer and have lots of family responsibilities with grand kids.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Julie Smith

[Carol in Cal.]

Hate to sound stupid, but how would you define Renaissance person? Would that be like my uncle who is very smart and knows so much?

 

I should add, there is a culture issue here. I grew up near an Indian reservation (I am only part American Indian) and in with people who had close ties to their heritage. Now, I have none of that. I am on the otherside of the country and even the American Indian culture that does exist not so far from here, it is a completely different tribe, which is completely not the same. I cannot relate. I felt "connected" on the land that I am from. Which is so weird. But I always felt so centered and so whole when I was there. It is so hard to explain, I feel like I am just crazy even stating that a PLACE or a land could make be feel "real" or "whole." The other part of me is Danish. And the town used to be a Danish community, so it always had the remaining culture there too. 

Renassance person is someone who reads/observes/studies broadly as well as somewhat deeply, and who makes connections across normally separate fields.  It's something that grows in layers, for most, not something that lends itself to a specific course of study.

 

Re the 'sense of place' and 'sense of culture' I know exactly what you mean.  There is no substitute for that, IME.  I feel very blessed to have gotten some closure to my own issues in that area, late in life, but I didn't think I ever would again; and it really does leave quite a hole.  What I did was try to break out what all I missed/loved/valued into pieces, and piece together sources of some of them over the years.  I was only marginally successful in that, but I felt like I was doing something affirmative at least, and partially conforted/nurtured by the efforts as well as by the small pieces that I did find.

 

Modern American life militates against this.  Most of my friends in high school and college were foreign because they understood.  My American friends mostly could not relate.  My view?  They don't know what they are missing; OTOH, they are superficially happier along the way.

[Guest]

It takes two to tango. My dc grew up near extended family, but the majority did not have children and resented their presence and rejected the values they grew up. We aren't even going to have a graduation party for my child when he finishes college as the majority resent having those occasions.

 

My 80 and 90 year old friends keep active mentally and physically. They volunteer and have social clubs. The 60 and 70 year olds usually babysit all the gc until old enough for school, and babysit while the gc are off from school. Some take care of their elderly parents.

[quark]

As someone who does not live close to family and is losing a chunk of the family I have left, I have to say the only way I can think of to answer your question is to show unconditional love, be caring and kind, surround yourself with the things you love (as much as you can afford them -- and why I love the little things, not the big, shiny ones), and truly be able to create your own joy. If your happiness lies in others, there is bound to be joy as well as sadness so temper that by being able to create your own little, happy things. Maybe it's sketching birds, or being more observant about how pretty a day is, or how lovely butterflies are, or how soul-searing your favorite poetry can be. I think true happiness is in the little things. The simple things.

[J-rap]

I can tell you about my parents, as an example.  They are 89 now, are happy, involved, and busy.  They were blessed with good health, and that's a huge part of it.  But I'd say what has kept them most happy is keeping up their interests and keeping very involved in the lives of their children, grandchildren, their own siblings and nieces and nephews, etc.  They work hard at relationships.  They are fortunate to live in the center of a major metro area where a lot of family is living, so they attend all the family activities:  birthday parties, wedding showers, graduations, school plays and athletic events, family picnics, everything.  They organize a lot of activities themselves, and don't ever have the feeling of "someone else has to do it next time!".  They just do it.  They have a little basement apartment in their home, and have always offered it free of charge to any relative who needs a place to live for awhile.  (Many, many have taken them up on that offer!)  They still volunteer, they deliver Meals on Wheels to the "elderly" (most are younger than they are!), they lead tours at museums.  They travel.  

 

They are definitely slowing down a lot these days.  Soon, they will need to move somewhere else where they can have some help.  But they have done so much and kept up so many relationships all these years, that even when they are not able to be busy anymore, they will still have people in their lives, plus many wonderful memories.

 

They are really inspiring to me.

[Laura Corin]

In addition to the good ideas already stated: think about how to stage old age.  So many old people end up living in houses that they have no hope of managing because they don't move when they are still capable.  We are thinking about the following (I realise that we are lucky to be able to think in this way):

 

Moving into a smaller house within the next five years (Husband is 60), but one that still has a bit of garden, and bit of space for entertaining, etc.  Put some proceeds from the big house, plus some retirement money, into a single-storey two-bed place with a tiny patio.  Initially rent this out by the week to holidaymakers, reserving weeks for relatives to stay whenever they like.  When things start to get on top of us, we can relatively easily make the switch of smaller house to live in with more income from renting out the larger place: we will already own and know the small place, so it will be less difficult to move, we hope.

 

Needed for this plan, and in general for many people: annual clear-outs of stuff, if you tend to accumulate.   

Edited March 26, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Seasider]

The younger generation keeps in touch A LOT. You just have to be willing to keep in touch with them in the way they keep in touch.

.

This echoes what a wise older woman told me about a decade ago, and it has proven to be so very true! I believe that most people generally don't really like change. We like to hold on to what's comfortable. But I think holding on to some traditions - like gathering for a Thanksgiving meal - and going forward with others - like keeping up with the latest communications technology - is a successful balance.

 

As far as long term happiness, studies have shown that being an active part of a faith community (whatever flavor) is a great boost in both quality and length of life.

[creekland]

From what I've seen, it requires staying involved in life.  We just spent a bit of time in FL with our youngest son and he introduced us to some of his senior citizen friends.  They are involved in their own group at his college (Aspec https://www.eckerd.edu/aspec/ ) and keep informed or learn new things from each other daily.  They travel.  They volunteer.  They get involved with willing college kids like my guy.  We went sailing with four members (on one of their boats) and they were all full of life even though some of their spouses and many of their friends had passed away.  By being involved in a group, they still had "community" to depend upon and share with.

 

I think being involved in community - however one chooses to do that - is incredibly important.  Kids are busy living their own lives.  Friends move on and/or pass away.  In a community there are still others left - all ages - and being connected to others is so incredibly important to living in today and not pining for yesterday.

 

Eckerd's Aspec group has seriously had us pondering if we want to move to an island (full or part time) in our future or if we want a condo near there where we can join instead.  They offer so much of what hubby and I enjoy out of life and folks to enjoy it with.  (We could probably find a similar group around here if we looked hard enough, but we want to spend at least winters in the south in the fairly near future.)

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Janeway, I think it is fair and normal to feel sadness at being physically displaced from your "home".  

 

I think it has become rather taboo to talk about the downsides of our current level of mobility.  Everyone should chase their dreams, wherever they take them!  Borders are gone!  The world is your oyster!  

 

But the truth is, as much fun as moving away is for a young adult... for those of us that grew up with loving families... we hit a certain age, or we settle down ourselves... and we ACHE that our choices have led us so far from home and our trajectory is one that really doesn't permit a move back (or "home" has been sold, torn down, or what have you).  

 

I don't regret marrying my husband and the sacrifices that entailed.  But they are real, heart-aching SACRIFICES.  Not watching my nieces and nephews grow up.  Not sharing my kids with my parents and aunts and cousins.  Not being available to help as my parents age.  There is no replacing this.  

 

But that doesn't mean happiness is not possible.  I'm one of those freaking ALWAYS happy people- a genetic blessing from both parents- we're all optimists!  I recognize and acknowledge my heartache over a lost "home town" and everything that entails.  But I don't dwell and let it ruin the experience of life I am living.  Yes, there is a piece missing.  But life is a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle.

 

 

 

[J-rap]

 

 

Moving into a smaller house within the next five years (Husband is 60), but one that still has a bit of garden, and bit of space for entertaining, etc...a single-storey two-bed place with a tiny patio. 

 

This is exactly what I would love!  :)

[marbel]

The younger generation keeps in touch A LOT.  You just have to be willing to keep in touch with them in the way they keep in touch.

 

Sometimes you can't grow old happily (in my pessimistic opinion).  Sometimes life really does just suck.  You deal I guess.  I know that's not uplifting, but it's the truth. 

 

As I get closer to old age (I turned 61 last month), I think about this a lot.  I agree with both Sparkly's points here.

 

I stay in touch with my 6 adult nieces and nephews via facebook, texting, and, with one who is a musician, spotify.   I get peeks into their lives, see their pictures, listen to their music, comment as appropriate, send messages back and forth.  They have their own parents, but they're never going to forget who I am and I'm pretty sure they will stay in touch as long as I'm alive and can interact with them.   But I had to get on facebook, get a decent phone for texting, figure out spotify... 

 

 I know what I hope to have, but  not everything is in our control.  We can do everything possible to stay healthy and sharp, but it might not work out that way.  I envision growing old with my husband, kids and grandkids close by, he and I dying peacefully and not having a long widowhood.  But, one of us could die well before the other, our kids could move far away, could even abandon us or die before us.   As with everything else, I try to do the best I can by staying healthy, keeping my brain active, etc.   I find my strong faith helps me not to be fearful or worried about the future (most of the time), but I know not everyone feels the same about that.  

 

ETA: Re: home.  I have not moved a bunch, but enough times that home is just where I live now, and where my husband and kids are.  That will change, but I don't expect ever to feel tied to a place. I miss two of my old homes, but... that time is past; I don't live there any more and am not going back!  Even though it makes me sad to think about it.

Edited March 26, 2017 by marbel

[HollyDay]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Both my parents have died in the last 5 years.  The family home is sold and gone.  I have no family in that town anymore.  I have elderly aunt/uncle in the area of my family home (which is across the country by the way) and 3 cousins I've seen 2 maybe 3 times in the last 20 years.  Thats it.  I developed a spine problem last year that causes chronic pain and limits my physical activity.  My options are  limited.  I know 70 year olds that are more active than I am.  So, how do I grow old? 

 

Some things I've learned:

Keep as active as possible.  Keep as flexible as possible.  Strength and flexibility will go a long way to keeping us healthy.  Maintain a good core to support that spine.  Keep good habits.  Eat well.  Maintain a healthy weight.  Stay on top of health problems and be as preventative as possible. 

 

Keep the brain going.  Eat and/or use supplements to promote brain health.  For me that includes coconut oil daily.  Play logic games and crossword puzzles.  Learn something new often.  For me, that has been learning new quilting technique, learning how to use my Instant Pot (yeah, that was learning curve), etc.  I read as much as I can, biographies, history, fiction.  I would like to learn something new for me now that homeschool is winding down (youngest graduates high school this spring).  I'm considering a new language, maybe something IT. If I can afford it, I'd like to consider a class at the local community college (I have my college degree though and now it is dc turn, so finances are a bit different). 

 

I'm not where I thought I'd be at 55.  Not even close on most any area.  So, that has caused a great deal of reflection and thought too.  Just as puberty caused us to rethink who we were and where we were going, menopause does the same thing.  Except puberty was exciting and the whole world lay before us.  Menopause causes more degeneration and the world before us is getting to be a different, narrower road.  But, we have to have a purpose.  We have to know at least what path we are on and where it is going and how to stay on it, or take an alternate route.

Edited March 27, 2017 by HollyDay

[Rosie_0801]

I should add, there is a culture issue here. I grew up near an Indian reservation (I am only part American Indian) and in with people who had close ties to their heritage. Now, I have none of that. I am on the otherside of the country and even the American Indian culture that does exist not so far from here, it is a completely different tribe, which is completely not the same. I cannot relate. I felt "connected" on the land that I am from. Which is so weird. But I always felt so centered and so whole when I was there. It is so hard to explain, I feel like I am just crazy even stating that a PLACE or a land could make be feel "real" or "whole." The other part of me is Danish. And the town used to be a Danish community, so it always had the remaining culture there too. 

 

This idea flows through Australian culture, so it does not sound in the least bit weird to me.

 

Maybe you can do something land care related? If you're looking after the land here, it might feel like a thank-you to whoever is looking after your land at home.

[MotherGoose]

Don't retire and sit on the couch and watch tv. Stay busy and active. I think that boredom and loneliness breeds ill health. Bith of my grandmothers remained healthy and active into their eighties. I do miss having the big extended family gatherings with all the cousins though. My children have one first cousin, who is a baby. I remember having such good times playing with cousins, but I didn't make the choice to not have cousins for my kids. My parents chose to have two kids, and my sister has no kids. Dh half sister, who is fifteen years younger than him, just had the baby. And he's had lots of divorce and remarriage on his side which complicates things. This is very different from our childhoods where all of our parents siblings, of whom there were many, had kids supplying lots of cousins. And people stayed in the same town and went to grandmas on Sundays.

[regentrude]

I see two very different questions here: keeping in touch with extended relatives, and growing old happily.

 

I do not have a lot of communication with extended family. We hear from each other through my mom and aunt, and there is pretty much no connection to one branch of the family. Just because people have a common ancestor does not mean they have much in common.

 

I find that the older people who are happy lead active lives and follow their interests. My father is 80 and still plays competetive chess; he plays online daily and travels to several tournaments each year. My mom reads a lot, travels to concerts where her former students perform. Both my parents travel and attend concerts and opera performances. They do not dwell on the negatives in their lives, the past, the what-ifs.

One of my grandmothers lived with us and was involved in raising grandchildren for decades. My other grandma lived on her own and that was difficult for her, but she worked until she was 85, which gave her purpose and connections to other people.

So, I think the key to growing old happy is to maintain connections with people, and a purpose and meaningful interests, but that is no guarantee, because health problems and death can make life pretty miserable.

 

My childhood home - well, that is a big conundrum. Currently, my parents still live in the house, but at some point they may have to move, because it involves a steep hill and 76 steps. I am on another continent and hope very much that my sister will move in so we won't have to sell the house, but if we do have to, that's just what it is. My worst homesickness happened in the first decade after our emigration. At this point, I have accepted that I won't ever move back, and that the past is past.

[regentrude]

I know my cousins are not really on FB, the ones that are my own, first cousins. They still sort of keep in touch. But the main issue is how far apart we are. It is the 2nd and third cousins I am referencing. When we grew up, the entire extended family, which was not that big at the time, would always get together. It was small town area. These cousins were not too close in age and I never lived close to them, but still saw them every summer. As the years went by, we drifted, but I would still see them, less and less often, but during the summer. Now, the last time I saw them was 2012. I have sent emails and texts but got no answer. I think I am too far on the outside from their family. I am just some extended relative with no actual contact as our related family members between us have all passed on. 

 

I would think of it as seasons. Some people are sharing a season of our lives, and then our ways part. I see no benefit in dwelling on the loss of contact with distant cousins whom you rarely saw. That's just life.

It is the same with friends; not all friendships will last many decades. Sometimes, a friend is part of our lives  for 2-3 years, and then lives change and the relationship dwindles - and that is normal.

[Seasider]

Just because people have a common ancestor does not mean they have much in common.

 

That's surely quotable!