Does your family do sleepovers?

[Gentlemommy]

Um. I tried making a poll, but I don't know if it worked. After reading the other sleepover thread, I was surprised at how many people do not participate in sleepovers at all. This is where we are currently.

We have done them in the past, and honestly they never went well. I don't enjoy the responsibility of extra kids, I am not comfortable parenting other people's kids. So when they refuse to be quiet at midnight, or get into the pantry and open bags of snacks, or are unkind to a sibling, I don't know how to handle it. I like my quiet time after putting my own kids to bed-I NEED that time, since I am the only parent with them most of the time and I don't often get a break. Plus, I have three girls, so if I allow one, I feel obligated to allow them all to have a friend, which is insanity.

 

The last sleepover we did was at the girls gym six months ago, where they stayed up until 4 am. 😣 This started some major bedtime anxiety for my oldest, and we are still working to through that. Prior to this, my youngest had night time terrors for two years. Multiple times per night. Just as we got over those, my oldest developed this horrible bedtime anxiety. Sigh.

 

I have always been very reluctant to let them go to other people's houses to sleep over, because when I was a child, I was a victim to some yucky stuff. Right at our neighbors house. 😣So I've been a bit jumpy at the thought of my girls having sleepovers elsewhere. So far, the only place I've allowed it has been at one friends house that I trust 100%, so it's not been an issue. But I worried that opening the floodgates could lead to sleepovers with parents I don't know quite as well. My neighbors were the nicest people, it wasn't the parents but the older brother. I never said anything, and it happened more than once. You can understand why I'm hesitant.

 

Anyway, I have felt like a total grinch for just putting a general ban on sleepovers, but perhaps I don't need to feel so guilty? It seems like it is more common than I thought to not allow them. If you do not allow them, can you explain why? And how your kids feel about it?

Edited March 26, 2017 by Gentlemommy

[Gentlemommy]

Oh yay! The poll worked!

[marbel]

I had to put other. 

 

I do have them, sometimes, but it's not because I think they are an important childhood experience.  I think they're fine, if all the participants are fine with them, but not important.

 

We don't reserve them for special occasions either.  Just, once in a while one of the kids will want someone to stay over, or it's convenient because of something we're doing either that day or the next.

 

 

[Mergath]

We allow them. Kids can be exposed to iffy stuff at other peoples' houses whether they sleep over or are only there for the day, and I'm not about to ban dd from playing at other people's homes. And I don't mind having another kid sleep over here.

[Guest]

Other. I'll have them but my kids don't go to them.

[Wheres Toto]

I put other.  I did a bunch with my oldest, both hosting and being a guest.  They were a very common thing with her group of dance friends.  All of the kids knew all of us moms and we spent quite a bit of time together at competitions, so it was a little different.  

 

We haven't done many with my younger kids.   A couple with family, dd went to a hotel sleepover birthday party with a friend from church.   That's about it.   But, not because we are opposed, more the opportunity hasn't come up that often.  Dd has a few friends she'd like to invite over but schedules haven't quite coordinated yet.

[Sneezyone]

I'm not sure it's an important childhood experience but DD has loved having them...at a hotel for her birthday, at our home with gymnastics teammates and at the homes of school friends and fellow gymmies. DS has never done one with friends, only grandma, so I chose other.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Melissa B]

I put other. My kids do them, but I don't consider them important childhood experiences. I've never hosted more than one child at a time over to our house for a sleepover. The kids have done sleepover parties at others' before. Their parents must have more patience than I do. 

[Guest]

Coincidentally, when the sleepover thread was originally posted, my boys had a friend over for a sleepover...

[lynn]

My older boys did. We knew our neighbours very well and they were 2houses down. My youngest son had 2 neighbor friends I knew the family well but we had a newborn when he was 5 so I did not do sleepovers here. Dd did not sleep well and I just did not want other kids here. Kwim. Dd's group of friends does not seem to do sleepovers so its a non issue for now

[catz]

I put other too.  If they work for you, great.  If not, who cares.  I don't consider it an "important childhood experience" though.  I had fun having them when I was a kid.  But they weren't formative or anything. 

 

My kids first sleepovers were about age 8 with families in our neighborhood within a couple blocks we knew extremely well.  My daughter has at 10+ slept at a couple houses where we didn't know the families quite as intimately, but we still had relationships with them.  I still don't think my son at 16 has slept over somewhere where the family wasn't well known to us.  I'd be fine with him branching out wider now, but he hasn't.   My kids slept at grandparents houses starting quite little and that's different to me.

 

I don't get the sleepovers with kindergarteners and first graders when the kids just have a relationship at school or something.  That seems weird to me, but hey, it works for others. 

Edited March 26, 2017 by WoolySocks

[Lady Marmalade]

I didn't vote in the poll because they happen very rarely.  DD has maybe been to 4 sleepovers her entire life that was not with her cousins. DS might be up to 3.

 

We have hosted exactly 2 sleepovers.

 

Both kids enjoy the sleepovers and the activities at the time, but they both agree that they really dislike how they feel the next day with the severe lack of sleep.   Next week is spring break week for our dance studio and both of them have mentioned that team mates are thinking about hosting sleepovers, but neither of them really want to go. 

 

So we're not completely opposed, but we also don't automatically think that way in terms of hanging out with a friend.  We'd much rather just pick up a friend and go see a movie or go to the indoor entertainment facility to hang out than do a sleepover.

[regentrude]

I voted "Sure", but I don't really like the reason "because they are an important childhood experience". 

Can you rephrase the options?

 

I don't care for many things that count as "important childhood experience" and don't see this as a good reason to do anything.

[The Girls' Mom]

Mine are grown, but we did do sleepovers.  If I had it to do over, I probably would have limited it to family only, or our house only until they were 12 or so.  They had a few bad experiences (nothing horrible, but just uncomfortable situations that usually involved families that had very different rules/lifestyles than we did).  

I have always liked having the kids' friends at our house.  It never bothered me when they were up all night or were loud, and I have no problem telling other people's kids to behave when they are my house.  Our house was often full of kids, and we have made good memories.  Now it is a teen/young adult hangout...talk about late nights and noise!  We try to limit it to when dh is out of town though because he doesn't appreciate the noise very much.  

I think the key to hosting the sleepovers is to accept before-hand that sleep is not really going to happen, it will be rowdy at times, and to put food that you don't want eaten out of sight.  

[catz]

I think the key to hosting the sleepovers is to accept before-hand that sleep is not really going to happen, it will be rowdy at times, and to put food that you don't want eaten out of sight.  

 

:iagree: LOL - truth.  We only have them if the kid in question has absolutely NOTHING the next day.  Sometimes that has led to going to a sleepover until a pick up at 10pm to midnight. 

 

My kids are not the biggest eaters on the planet.  I really learned what teen boy appetites were all about when the boy had 5 teens over night to video game.  Whoa.  Hide your goodies mommas!  :lol:

Edited March 26, 2017 by WoolySocks

[abba12]

I'm the opposite of many responses. I think they're an important childhood experience, however we generally don't do them. 

 

Like you, I'm a victim of some stuff. I remember sleepovers as a kid and some were definitely... not appropriate. But I also think the independence and experience are pretty important. It's a hard position to be in. 

 

As it stands, I do not allow sleepovers with any family except one set of great-grantparents (in their 70s, women in my family have kids young) and will not until my kids are nearing teens. The reason for this is that neither side of our family is trustworthy to respect some of our basic parenting ideas, and of the three sets of grandparents (divorce on my side) two have teenage boys in the house who frequently have their own friends over as well (the third is completely estranged). It just isn't happening.

 

As for friends, I would love for our kids to have the sleepover experience, but only with friends we have known for a long time and trust. They wont be allowed to attend sleepover parties with assorted kids. I might allow a church organised and adult supervised sleepover where there is organised activities or something like that, and one person sleepovers with a close friend are ok, but, basically, I want to avoid the overnight unsupervised environment with children I, as the parent, am not very familiar with, and especially with the large group where one child can pull the others down into less appropriate topics. Once they're teens we will reassess. 

[Dmmetler]

We do them with one specific friend-and usually when she stays over, one of her parents does as well. DD's best friend lives 3 hours away, and when she has TKD testing or tournaments, usually it's late enough when they're finished to make driving back that night less than ideal (or she has more events the next day). So they stay with us. DD has done a total of one sleepover otherwise-a slumber party that, afterwards, she has had no desire to go to any others, and has had me pick her up before the sleepover part begins.

[mom@shiloh]

I put 'other'.  I don't think it's an important childhood experience, but we do allow them on more than special occasions.  I also had some 'iffy' stuff happen to me at sleepovers so I'm cautious with them.  

[Word Nerd]

I don't like them and would prefer they happened only with cousins, but I backed off that stance and do allow them. I especially don't like spontaneous sleepovers (like the one sprung on me at a basketball game for later that night) because of the chaos.

[Joker]

We've always allowed them but when they were under 10 it was only cousins and one specific family. Around ages 10-12, they could do others but I had to know the family somewhat. After age 12, they could go without me really knowing the families. I don't think I would even recognize the parents of most of their friends today (ages 15 and 17). It's all worked out here and there's been nothing horrible. 

[mommyoffive]

We don't do them.  

[Ravin]

I put other because we do them fairly often but "important childhood experience"? Meh.

[myfunnybunch]

I voted "Sure," but I agree with other posters that, while we do sleepovers, we don't have them because we feel they're an important childhood experience. We just have them for fun. I certainly don't believe that kids who don't do sleepovers are missing out.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Other - we did them with only one well known family who is not a relative.  But in general - no. 

[sassenach]

Yes, but....

 

To sleep away, only with families we know VERY well.

 

Most of my kids' sleepovers happen at our house. There's 2 places we let my son sleep over and 1 we let dd. That's it!

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I put "Nope" because it really depended on the kid.

 

We didn't allow them with our youngest for a long time. She just went to her first sleepover a couple months ago (at age 11 1/2), and only once with a family we know very well, for a birthday party.  Before that, I just didn't want the awkwardness of trying to explain why some families were okay, while others weren't.  (How do you say, "Well, her dad seems creepy to me, so I don't want you over there" or "Not until I know the family better" -- how much better am I talking about?)  It was easier to just say "No sleepovers".  It helped that her best friend has the same rule.  We have allowed "pseudo-sleepovers", where she stayed for all the late night activities, but I picked her up at eleven or midnight.  Dd did stay with her grandmother one weekend, but I don't consider that a sleepover.

 

Ds used to trade houses with his cousin sometimes.  They lived right down the street from us, so it was convenient.  It was always a pain, though, because it would take him two days to recover from the lack of sleep.  My SIL and I were just as likely to say No as Yes.

 

Older dd never wanted to sleep anywhere.  She did sleep at a friends house as a teenager, once a year, for her birthday.  It was awkward because dd was going through a stage where she was nearly impossible to wake up.  They ended up missing church once because dd wouldn't wake up!  

 

So, with few exceptions, we're mostly a "no sleepovers" house.

[redsquirrel]

We allow them, both allowing our kids to spend the night away and having other kids here. We don't do it a huge amount but I have no problem with it.  We've been lucky in that we haven't had any families in our circle where there was an adult who set off our alarms. I mean, there have been, but none of those families were close enough that a sleepover would happen. All the families that have hosted sleepovers have been families that I felt very, very comfortable with and have known for years.

 

If I didn't know a family very well, meaning I hadn't been to their home, spent time with the family, considered the adults in the family to be friends of mine, not just parents of my kid's friend, then no, I wouldn't do a sleep over. Fortunately, that hasn't ever come up.

[maize]

I see more negatives than positives to sleep overs. The kids not sleeping and being out of sorts for days after being the most reliable negative.

[LucyStoner]

We allow them, but aside from declining invitations from one set of dodgy relatives, there's never been a time we needed to say no.  The only sleepovers we do are with people to whom we are close.  I would probably decline invitations from families whom we didn't know as well, but the kids have never asked to sleep over under such circumstances.  

 

I definitely would think twice about school or church lock-ins.  Not because they are bad (though I have seen inappropriate behavior at each) but because I don't think my sons could handle them.  Too many kids.  Too much noise.  I'd be the mom someone was calling to come and pick up her kids at 10:45.  

[shawthorne44]

We are open to them, but DD is still young.   Most of friend's parents won't let their kids out of their sight away from home.  I do have a "one child at a time" rule.  Multiple girls on a sleepover is just a bad idea.  

[umsami]

We've done them so far with two families I know, but I wouldn't just send them off to families I hadn't met, interacted with, etc.  

 

Growing up, I basically slept over at two friends' houses.  So it was limited to people we knew well.

 

 

 

 

[DawnM]

My kids have them fairly regularly.  But they are also boy scouts, so they are often on camp outs, out with other kids sleeping over.

[Amber in SJ]

I also had to put "other."  Our default for sleep-overs has been no.  We have several reasons for this.  One is I am very introverted & extra people at my house for an extended period of time is exhausting.  The few times my older children slept over at friends' homes they were miserably behaved the next day because of their own exhaustion and I just don't want to deal with that.  Mean pranks are often played during sleep-overs and in our church group we have even had a case of an older brother inappropriately touching a little sister's friend during a sleep over.  Sometimes the kids in the youth group have "late nights" where the they get together at someone's house & they all have to be picked up by midnight and it is understood that the parents will be awake the entire time.

 

All of that being said, When we visit family generally all the cousins sleep at one house (whoever has the best video game system.)  When my son turned 12 & started going on scout campouts with Dh,  my 14yo dd & I found ourselves alone in the house one weekend a month.  I let her invite one friend over and they stay up all night watching movies and talking.  The next day they both have to go to play rehearsal at 8am so they are up & out relatively early.  This is a new development so I have now "hosted" 3 sleepovers when, before the kids didn't even ask because I would always say no.  

 

Amber in SJ

[Word Nerd]

I see more negatives than positives to sleep overs. The kids not sleeping and being out of sorts for days after being the most reliable negative.

I agree. My kids usually have a bad attitude afterward too--most likely because of the lack of sleep.

[Guest]

Yes, we do them, but I don't think so much they are an important childhood experience. They are usually a good experience, and a fun memory, but I don't think anything will be stunted if they didn't do them.

 

If I could walk it back with my youngest, for sleepovers with one particular friend, I would. The friend has anxiety if he tries to sleep over here and 9/10 times, a parent needs to come retrieve him. So now, it is more often my son over their house. When he's there, he gets no sleep and he is a total pill the next day. I have had other situations where not a lot of sleep happened and it was okay, but with *this* child, he doesn't adapt well to lavk of sleep I guess. So really, I would be fine with it if they didn't do sleepovers, but the dad is friends with my DH and calls and makes plans for it with my DH. I guess the dad thinks it's an important childhood experience or something.

[Seeking Squirrels]

I voted other. I'm not against them and if they start coming up soon then I'll allow them, but she doesn't have them now. DD is almost 9 but is still in a pull-up at night. So I do not want to encourage it until she is dry. She has had one friend sleep over once but it was more of a me caring for the child overnight situation, not because they wanted to do it. They asked once after that but we honestly couldn't because of an early morning soccer game. It never came up again and we don't have much contact with that child now. The few main friends she plays with now, one the parents don't allow sleepovers and two have anxiety and would probably not be able to handle it yet. I can see more of this when they're closer to 11/12. 

Both kids sleep over at grandma's and nana's frequently. 

[OneStepAtATime]

Yes we allow sleep overs and have since the kids were little but...

 

1. I am very comfortable handling extra kids.

2. I usually get to know said kids and their parents pretty well ahead of time so can anticipate a lot of possible issues ahead of time.

3. I hardly sleep anyway so staying up supervising is not a huge challenge.

4. My mom, even though she is an introvert, allowed sleep overs and was great at keeping things fun and under control so I had a good role model for how to make it work.

 

If it stretched me way beyond my comfort zone and caused massive stress then I probably would not do it.

 

FWIW DD rarely did well sleeping at someone else's house so at one point I finally had to say no we won't do that again for quite a while. They can come to our house but you can't go to theirs right now.

 

People have to do what works for their particular family.

[Crimson Wife]

We do sleepovers only at relatives' homes, except I do allow my SN child to participate in overnight field trips to museums, the zoo, etc. with the support group for kids with hearing loss. Those are chaperoned by her speech therapist and I think the benefits of socializing with other deaf kids outweighs the risks.

 

I would actually be ok with sleepovers at some non-relatives' houses but it is easier to have a blanket ban rather than getting into a discussion with my kids about why I'm ok with friend A and not friend B.

 

I had a classmate growing up whose stepdad was molesting her and it came to light when I got creeped out by him at a sleepover & confided in my babysitter. My sitter called CPS and he ended up going to jail. I'd been to her house during the day before and he'd never said or done anything icky. It's much easier for a predator to get a victim alone during a sleepover than during the day when their absence would be more conspicuous.

[TX Native]

Other. My kids will do them, but we will be selective about who with and where. They are just getting to the ages we are fine with them going to friend's house or inviting someone here overnight. They have slept over at grandma's several times.

[SKL]

I put "other."  I would rather friend sleepovers did not exist, but since they do, and I have 10yo girls, I feel like I have to allow them.

 

So far we've had 1 and scheduled a 2nd one soon.  I assume there will be more.  I shall grin and bear it.

 

The "other" vote was also because I feel this changes with kids' ages.  It was pretty easy to avoid them up to age 9.  I think they will be a fact of life for a while, and hopefully phase out at some point.  :P

[heartlikealion]

It hasn't come up much. Ds did get invited to one recently and we opted out. I literally had never talked to the parents and had no idea from the invitation where they lived (kids from his school come from different cities). He isn't close to the classmate, but I think the child invited most if not all the boys in the class.

 

Given the right set of circumstances I would be okay with a sleepover. Supposedly when I was in elementary school I went sleep walking and talked to my friend's older sister in the middle of the night at my friend's party. I have no recollection of this and didn't know if they were just messing with me, but they seemed serious. Our families were basically best friends. Best friends to the point where on the night before one of my friend's sibling's wedding my dad was asked to break into their house to get the cake topper because they were out of town LOL

 

We do sleepovers only at relatives' homes, except I do allow my SN child to participate in overnight field trips to museums, the zoo, etc. with the support group for kids with hearing loss. Those are chaperoned by her speech therapist and I think the benefits of socializing with other deaf kids outweighs the risks.

 

I would actually be ok with sleepovers at some non-relatives' houses but it is easier to have a blanket ban rather than getting into a discussion with my kids about why I'm ok with friend A and not friend B.

 

I had a classmate growing up whose stepdad was molesting her and it came to light when I got creeped out by him at a sleepover & confided in my babysitter. My sitter called CPS and he ended up going to jail. I'd been to her house during the day before and he'd never said or done anything icky. It's much easier for a predator to get a victim alone during a sleepover than during the day when their absence would be more conspicuous.

 

How awful but glad you spoke up. The bolded were my thoughts when I read another post commenting on day time visits vs sleepovers. Sure, something could happen at either visit, but it seems to be that sleepovers might have more issues. Parents would probably be asleep during part of the sleepover so not as aware of what was going on.

[Alice]

I voted sure but I don't think they are an important part of a childhood. I don't have a problem with them and we have done them and our kids have gone to sleepovers at other people's houses. It's not really a regular thing for us. They have some friends who aren't allowed to do them at all and I don't see those kids as missing out on something major. 

[Crimson Wife]

 

Poor ds though seems to have struck all the anti-sleepover families. So he has had very limited sleepovers. It was honestly a bit ??? to encounter that. Some of the kids just had anxiety, and that seemed quite explicable, but some just had that rule regardless of child's desire or ability to sleep over. It made me feel a bit ick, actually, like 'we don't actually trust you or any family members in your household'. And given I know there are no predators in my family home, it felt slightly offensive.

 

As I mentioned upthread, it is easier for a parent to implement a blanket ban on sleepovers at non-relatives' houses than to get into arguments with the child over accepting some invitations and not others.

[fdrinca]

I hate sleepovers, but my kids are just starting to ask for them. We still have babies at home, so hosting a sleepover isn't super convenient. Also, my oldest DD will have nighttime accidents at times, so she is nervous about spending the night.

 

So, we do SLEEPUNDERS. 

 

Seriously, best invention ever. All of the fun of a sleepover (movies, games, staying up later that usual, snack, pajamas if you want), but then kids go home around 10 or 11 at night. 

 

My kids like the sense that they are doing something special and fun, but there is none of that early-morning weirdness.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

I don't allow them.  My kids really don't want to sleepover at other people's houses anyway so it all works out.

[Starr]

Ours were occasional with family friends. My dc didn't sleep well at other people's houses.

[Liz CA]

I didn't see anything wrong with sleepovers. We monitored where what and who and a lot depended on age.

Obviously I liked the sleepovers to be at my house so I could see what was going on.

 

Like Quill said, it's not going to cause irreparable harm if someone does not experience this but I think they were a fun time for my ds when he was young.

[kroe1]

We allow them. Kids can be exposed to iffy stuff at other peoples' houses whether they sleep over or are only there for the day, and I'm not about to ban dd from playing at other people's homes. And I don't mind having another kid sleep over here.

I was attacked twice at night, by two different dads, even though I had been in the homes multiple times during the day. Fortunately, I managed to get away both times. As an adult, I realize how lucky I was. I think at night, alcohol is more likely to be involved. Plus, when a child is sleeping, he is more vulnerable.