Parenting question, making kids wait for something

[6packofun]

Often dh will get a game for one of the family's many game systems or a gadget type toy and 10yo ds who already has many issues will want to know when he'll be able to play it/with it.  Right now it's this dumb remote control BB-8 from Star Wars.  It doesn't seem super fragile knowing ds' ability and dh says he has to wait to be able to play it.  For what?  Well, ds doesn't get to have an answer for that.  No one knows why he can't try it now, it's not just dh's toy, and dh will give no indication of when ds will be able to play with it--if ever.  I fail to see the purpose of this.  Is there some lesson in just being made to wait indefinitely?  Ds really wants to know and asked after dh told him not to ask about it again and so now he's in trouble for this as well.  :(

 

What are your thoughts on this?  I've asked dh why he does this and if he thinks it's valuable and it just ends up feeling like a power move that a grown-up should pretty much get over.  I really don't like it, mainly because it's illogical to me.  It's actually bizarre to me, honestly.  Am I missing something?  Sometimes ds DOES have to wait for good reason, for example if dh wants to test out a game first to see if it's at ds' ability level so he won't get super frustrated and have a meltdown.  That I get.  But when you can't justify waiting and it is for the whole family, why make him wait for the sake of waiting?

 

Sorry, maybe this is more of a vent than anything.  I just don't know how to approach dh about it other than asking if he has a good reason and if not, then let the kid play with it for crying out loud.  lol

[Murphy101]

I have no idea what this is about. Why can't you just ask that?

 

Just ask him what he is waiting for and if he doesn't even know, then let the kid have it already instead of being a jerk about it.

 

*shrug* I'm not a fan of making life or relationships more complicated than they have to be.

[marbel]

So your husband buys a game for the family, including your 10 year old, and the 10 year old has the capability to play it, but your husband tells him he can't play with it right away, and won't tell your son why he has to wait, or when he'll be able to play the game?  Does your older child get to play it before the younger?  

 

I'm not sure I have this all straight, but I think I would ask my husband why he's being such a jerk to our kid.   And if he didn't have a reason, I'd tell him to knock it off and let the kid play, or stop buying stuff.  

[foxbridgeacademy]

I was married, eons ago, to a guy who did that kind of stuff.... Now I'm married to a guy who always lets the kids go first.  Not talking to your DH about it is only going to cause resentment in your relationship so yeah get it out there.  We have a rule that everyone, adults and kids, get a fair share.  So no games, treats, special activities unless they're for everyone, maybe it's time Mamma laid down some new house rules?

[Catwoman]

Why are you putting up with this?

 

I agree with the others who have already posted.

 

Your dh is acting like a spoiled toddler instead of like a father. He needs to learn to share his toys!

 

If my dh had ever pulled a stunt like that on my ds, I would have taken the toy and given it to my ds so he could play with it, and I would have told dh to suck it up and deal with it. Thank goodness he never did anything like that.

 

Your dh should get the toy out and he and your ds should play with it together.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Catwoman

[38carrots]

Power move. DH needs to grow up.  I see no value in this at all. It must be pretty damaging for their relationship. How frustrating for you and DS.

[Anne in CA]

This is a disturbing power dynamic developing. You really may need some help if this is common. My dh acted like this to my son when he was 9 because he was mad at me. It took $$$ of counseling to bring it out, but dh was doing it to get even with me. This sounds familiar and uncool. My dh decided to change and remain married. You have a lot of kids and probably can't just leave. You can't handle this alone. 

[LucyStoner]

What, pray tell, is stopping you from just letting your son play with it?  

 

I'd probably start buying this sort of stuff for the kids and giving it to them and telling them to play with it right away.  

 

It sounds like he's justifying the cost of something by saying it's for everyone but viewing it as his personal, private, just-for-him property.  That's utter juvenile bullshit, and he needs to be disabused of the notion that you will tolerate such jackassery.  

[Mergath]

I have very little patience for people who are mean to kids just because they're bigger and they can. My dh would get an extremely unpleasant earful from me if he pulled something like that.

 

If it's something your dh wanted only for himself, he should have made that clear from the start. And even then, unless the item in question is super expensive and fragile, too bad. Welcome to parenting, where you occasionally have to make sacrifices like letting your kids play with your stuff.

[Tammi K]

It sounds like some weird kind of power play. "I'm the Dad and I'm the boss."    Of course, I don't know your husband but I don't think I would like someone who acts like this.  He sounds like a bully.

[bettyandbob]

Yup. What others have said. Power play. Controlling to be controlling. It is directed both at you and your DS.

 

If dh bought a game for himself he needs to be honest and "this my game." Then you can help 10 yo figure out how to earn the money for his own copy or put it on a birthday wish list.

 

Dh is truly missing out as a father. Instead of bonding with shared experiences over a game he is just alienating his DS. There will be a point where ds will want nothing to do with him.

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry; this is a rough dynamic to deal with. I hope he doesn't treat you this way. Can you bring it all out into the open by talking about it with your husband? Eta: oh duh, I see you have already. Is there something in his backround or the way he was raised that involved him feeling powerless or bossed around? IDK. I would be so uncomfortable with this.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Chris in VA

[Rebel Yell]

Agreeing with this above.

 

Some questions I have...

 

based on your signature here, this is your youngest child, correct? And from your post it sounds like this child may have some special needs or something where he may not be neurotypical? (forgive me if I'm using incorrect terms). If so, is your DH having difficulty seeing this child as growing and maturing, rather than "the baby with special needs"? I ask because all of my children are neurotypical and sometimes I forget that "BabyBaby" is actually a big girl!

 

Is it typical for your DH to punish (you said DS was 'in trouble') this child or the other kids for asking for reasons or clarification? That's not even a little bit OK, assuming the child isn't constantly pestering with a rotten attitude long after a clearly-explained reason has been given.

 

Hoping for the best and assuming this isn't some weird power trip and your DH just isn't good at expressing his reasoning, DH needs to get good at it real quick and figure out what needs to happen for DS to play. Clear, measurable objective criteria, such as: Show care for other electronics by playing appropriately and putting away after, willingness to follow guidance is a toy is new or frustrating while learning how to use it, ummmm I can't think of much else, but I'm sure you can. And also, it needs a timeline. A week, a month? An hour?

 

Your child, neurotypical or not, needs to know what the goal is. Asking for clarification on that is not, IMO, a punishable offense.

 

And a tiny bit of concern, asked gently: why is the decision on what toys can be played with and by whom your husband's decision alone? I'm talking about group/family purchases, not some collector item heirloom from DH's childhood.

[Guest]

It's funny, because the title made me expect the opposite scenario - that YOU had good reason to delay some gratification and another person was not cooperating with the need to delay. I am all for delaying gratification when there is a purpose being served; as you describe it, there is no purpose being served. Your DH is power tripping and - I'm just guessing here - but it sounds like he has been listening to rhetoric about how all these spoiled Millenials are so used to their trophey-for-breathing and he's thinking he will straighten out his kids' characters by withholding something desirable indefinitely, to prove he can. I could be projecting, of course, but that would not surprise me.

[Wheres Toto]

Was your dh like this with the older kids?

 

I agree unless he's willing to come up with up with a reason, he needs to share.  Now.

[Guest]

Well, there are studies which show that teaching children delayed gratification is beneficial to them in the long-run...

 

But I agree with others that this sounds more like control for the sake of control.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Kinsa

[Night Elf]

I find the idea of him power tripping over a young child quite disturbing. Poor kid. He'll grow up with no respect for his father and will always see him as mean. Your DH may miss out on years of a great bond he could have fostered in childhood.

 

FWIW, the same thing can happen to any relationship. In my case it was my older sister. She was very mean to me and was always showing her superior power to me. Now we're adults and we rarely speak. She once tried to get me to start talking and have a close relationship with her. I told her I wasn't trying to be mean but she was a significant problem from my childhood and I grew up indifferent to having a sibling at all. I stopped caring about her decades ago and it's not something I can just turn back on. Of course I hope she lives a happy life. I just don't want to be in it.

[maize]

Agreeing with others that this sounds like an unhealthy, even abusive, control dynamic on the part of your husband. He is just being a bully.

 

I don't tolerate bullying in my household.

[marbel]

Well, there are studies which show that teaching children delayed gratification is beneficial to them in the long-run...

 

But I agree with others that this sounds more like control for the sake of control.

 

True. But if that's what the dad is trying to teach - maybe that's his thinking? - he's doing it wrong.  :-)

 

Delayed gratification in this case would be something like:  "hey, there's a new [whatever] game out.  Let's all save up for it and when we can get it, we'll have a great game night."  Then put out a jar for people to contribute - or come up with another scheme to earn/save money for the game.  

[6packofun]

I was married, eons ago, to a guy who did that kind of stuff.... Now I'm married to a guy who always lets the kids go first.  Not talking to your DH about it is only going to cause resentment in your relationship so yeah get it out there.  We have a rule that everyone, adults and kids, get a fair share.  So no games, treats, special activities unless they're for everyone, maybe it's time Mamma laid down some new house rules?

 

I always ask him.  Sometimes he has a legit reason and sometimes, like this time, he just doesn't.  It's weird!  With this particular thing, he's already let dd17 play with the remote control thing and of course he has.  So I'm sort of assuming it's for everyone.  (He got it free for some reason with a new cell phone plan we got for our family.)  

 

I'll ask him but it just usually seems to go nowhere and I'm left as unsatisfied as the kid.  And I think the fact that I'm wary of just letting ds do it because of how dh will react which makes me sad that he's become someone I don't want to cross even with a lame issue like this.  He is NOT a mean person in general at all but as we've been married longer he just does things sometimes that really make me wonder what is going on in his head!

[SparklyUnicorn]

This would pi$$ me off to no end.  For one thing "I" would endure the brunt of the questioning, whining, etc. from my kid.

 

No, I can't fathom the point of this except like you said...a power play.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

damn...I just had a wicked case of deja vu.

 

 

[Annie G]

I agree with every single reply so I'm not going to repeat those sentiments. But I wanted to add that he's being sly with his power by saying things like 'wanting to make sure a game is at ds's level' before he lets him play it.  Sure, kids get frustrated when they can't do something but this really sounds like an excuse to keep ds from playing but disguising it as concern.  Kids have to face things that are above their level if they are going to learn...and that includes learning how to handle frustration.  Having said that, I think the dad is just withholding as a power trip, not to prevent the kid from playing a game that's too difficult. 

[gardenmom5]

Often dh will get a game for one of the family's many game systems or a gadget type toy and 10yo ds who already has many issues will want to know when he'll be able to play it/with it.  Right now it's this dumb remote control BB-8 from Star Wars.  It doesn't seem super fragile knowing ds' ability and dh says he has to wait to be able to play it.  For what?  Well, ds doesn't get to have an answer for that.  No one knows why he can't try it now, it's not just dh's toy, and dh will give no indication of when ds will be able to play with it--if ever.  I fail to see the purpose of this.  Is there some lesson in just being made to wait indefinitely?  Ds really wants to know and asked after dh told him not to ask about it again and so now he's in trouble for this as well.   :(

 

What are your thoughts on this?  I've asked dh why he does this and if he thinks it's valuable and it just ends up feeling like a power move that a grown-up should pretty much get over.  I really don't like it, mainly because it's illogical to me.  It's actually bizarre to me, honestly.  Am I missing something?  Sometimes ds DOES have to wait for good reason, for example if dh wants to test out a game first to see if it's at ds' ability level so he won't get super frustrated and have a meltdown.  That I get.  But when you can't justify waiting and it is for the whole family, why make him wait for the sake of waiting?

 

Sorry, maybe this is more of a vent than anything.  I just don't know how to approach dh about it other than asking if he has a good reason and if not, then let the kid play with it for crying out loud.  lol

 

 to be perfectly honest:

it sounds like your dh has bought a toy/gaget for himself but is justifying it by saying it's for "the family".    he sounds like a child who doesn't want to share his new toy.   it's fine if he wants to have a toy, but claiming it's "for the family" but won't allow "the family" to play with it - just him - is very juvenile.

 

and honestly - your dh needing to 'test games first' to see if they are your ds's ability level - is bogus.  ability/age levels are marked on the box.

 

it sounds like your dh wants to play with his toys - and passes them to your son when he's done/bored with them.

[6packofun]

Just wanted to add that sometimes I feel like I have to advocate for our kids *against* his unreasonableness (again, this is not usual or typical, just sometimes), if that makes sense, and I do NOT like that dynamic.  I'm not sure if that's a good way to put it to him, though..."sometimes I feel like I have to take sides because you're being unreasonable or unfair and you're putting me in a tough spot."   ??

[6packofun]

I agree with every single reply so I'm not going to repeat those sentiments. But I wanted to add that he's being sly with his power by saying things like 'wanting to make sure a game is at ds's level' before he lets him play it.  Sure, kids get frustrated when they can't do something but this really sounds like an excuse to keep ds from playing but disguising it as concern.  Kids have to face things that are above their level if they are going to learn...and that includes learning how to handle frustration.  Having said that, I think the dad is just withholding as a power trip, not to prevent the kid from playing a game that's too difficult. 

 

 

I would agree on the face of it, but ds has gotten angry and frustrated with games and thrown down a controller, etc.  I agree with you, though, that ds needs practice with dealing with his frustrations and sometimes this means playing a game that might be a bit hard.  I'm totally OK with that. 

 

I just don't believe that dh is worried about him breaking this particular thing, but I could be wrong.  Breaking something in our house is usually not a matter of getting in trouble and then we replace it right away because we can't afford to do that most of the time and then everyone else can't enjoy the thing.

 

I know that we really need to hash this out so that will be happening today!

[maize]

I always ask him. Sometimes he has a legit reason and sometimes, like this time, he just doesn't. It's weird! With this particular thing, he's already let dd17 play with the remote control thing and of course he has. So I'm sort of assuming it's for everyone. (He got it free for some reason with a new cell phone plan we got for our family.)

 

I'll ask him but it just usually seems to go nowhere and I'm left as unsatisfied as the kid. And I think the fact that I'm wary of just letting ds do it because of how dh will react which makes me sad that he's become someone I don't want to cross even with a lame issue like this. He is NOT a mean person in general at all but as we've been married longer he just does things sometimes that really make me wonder what is going on in his head!

With this dynamic (you being afraid to stand up to him or cross him) it is time for some marriage counseling. You should not feel helpless and unempowered in your relationship and coparenting efforts with your spouse.

 

If he is a decent man he may not understand the dynamic he is creating.

 

Personally I think far too many couples avoid counseling because they see it as the mark of a failing marriage. It is something Dh and I have done off and on for most of our marriage; it may take a few tries to find a decent counselor but when you do they can be worth their weight in gold.

 

I will not sacrifice a child's emotional security to satisfy an adult's desire for control. I also will do whatever I can to prevent my spouse from sabotaging his own relationship with his children.

Edited March 26, 2017 by maize

[poppy]

 to be perfectly honest:

it sounds like your dh has bought a toy/gaget for himself but is justifying it by saying it's for "the family".    he sounds like a child who doesn't want to share his new toy.   it's fine if he wants to have a toy, but claiming it's "for the family" but won't allow "the family" to play with it - just him - is very juvenile.

 

and honestly - your dh needing to 'test games first' to see if they are your ds's ability level - is bogus.  ability/age levels are marked on the box.

 

it sounds like your dh wants to play with his toys - and passes them to your son when he's done/bored with them.

 

Yeah, my thought is he wants to be a collector (think Big Bang Theory guys) but wants to justify the purchase by saying it's 'for the kids'.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Just wanted to add that sometimes I feel like I have to advocate for our kids *against* his unreasonableness (again, this is not usual or typical, just sometimes), if that makes sense, and I do NOT like that dynamic.  I'm not sure if that's a good way to put it to him, though..."sometimes I feel like I have to take sides because you're being unreasonable or unfair and you're putting me in a tough spot."   ??

 

Probably most of us feel this way from time to time.  I know I do.  I'd consider in general my DH to be reasonable, but sometimes not.  Sometimes he does odd stuff that I can't wrap my head around.  But when I get REALLY mad is when it ruins my day and he isn't the one here to listen to it. 

[gardenmom5]

I always ask him.  Sometimes he has a legit reason and sometimes, like this time, he just doesn't.  It's weird!  With this particular thing, he's already let dd17 play with the remote control thing and of course he has.  So I'm sort of assuming it's for everyone.  (He got it free for some reason with a new cell phone plan we got for our family.)  

 

I'll ask him but it just usually seems to go nowhere and I'm left as unsatisfied as the kid.  And I think the fact that I'm wary of just letting ds do it because of how dh will react which makes me sad that he's become someone I don't want to cross even with a lame issue like this.  He is NOT a mean person in general at all but as we've been married longer he just does things sometimes that really make me wonder what is going on in his head!

 

so - are you saying you have asked him and his answer is he's teaching delayed gratification?

you're assuming it was for everyone, but you don't know? 

 

you've got a major red flag for your relationship there.  you need to work that out with him.  you say he's "not a mean person" - well, if he was so great, why are you afraid to cross him over a lame issue like this?  (and why would this be crossing him?)

[marbel]

I would agree on the face of it, but ds has gotten angry and frustrated with games and thrown down a controller, etc.  I agree with you, though, that ds needs practice with dealing with his frustrations and sometimes this means playing a game that might be a bit hard.  I'm totally OK with that. 

 

I just don't believe that dh is worried about him breaking this particular thing, but I could be wrong.  Breaking something in our house is usually not a matter of getting in trouble and then we replace it right away because we can't afford to do that most of the time and then everyone else can't enjoy the thing.

 

I know that we really need to hash this out so that will be happening today!

 

Well, there can be consequences for that behavior.   But a kid doesn't learn how to handle frustration by not being allowed to do something that might frustrate him.  I could see allowing him to play, but at the first sign of unacceptable behavior (throwing down a controller), he's out for a period of time.  

[gardenmom5]

Just wanted to add that sometimes I feel like I have to advocate for our kids *against* his unreasonableness (again, this is not usual or typical, just sometimes), if that makes sense, and I do NOT like that dynamic.  I'm not sure if that's a good way to put it to him, though..."sometimes I feel like I have to take sides because you're being unreasonable or unfair and you're putting me in a tough spot."   ??

 

 

I think the fact that I'm wary of just letting ds do it because of how dh will react which makes me sad that he's become someone I don't want to cross even with a lame issue like this.

 

please take these two things seriously.

 

With this dynamic (you being afraid to stand up to him or cross him) it is time for some marriage counseling. You should not feel helpless and unempowered in your relationship and coparenting efforts with your spouse.

 

If he is a decent man he may not understand the dynamic he is creating.

 

Personally I think far to many couples avoid counseling because they see it as the mark of a failing marriage. It is something Dh and I have done off and on for most of our marriage; it may take a few tries to find a decent counselor but when you do they can be worth their weight in gold.

 

I will not sacrifice a child's emotional security to satisfy an adult's desire for control. I also will do whatever I can to prevent my spouse from sabotaging his own relationship with his children.

  :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[zoobie]

Yeah, that's not teaching delayed gratification. He's dangling toys in front of DS's nose for no good reason. He's just being mean.

 

I don't let my kids use my sewing machine. It's a nice machine, and sewing is my stress release. I have a machine they can use when they're old enough and interested. I'm sure many children would be capable of using my machine just fine, but it's my thing. If your DH had one thing that was "his" that he wanted to keep special, that would be different. I don't think family = everything I own is yours to do with as you wish. Don't go through my nightstand drawers or mess with my sewing machine table. The kids' special toys are off limits to the others. (Recent example: no, you can't take special lovey stuffy to operate on even if he is very, very ill. Use one of the other stuffies.) Don't mess with oldest DD's art supplies. Don't mess with DS's favorite glove and bat. Use one of the other options. But no way would EVERYTHING be off limits.

 

Did your DH grow up without security? Why do you think he's doing this? It's either a childhood thing coming to a head or something. He's being a turd and it sounds like it's been going on a while.

[gardenmom5]

I would agree on the face of it, but ds has gotten angry and frustrated with games and thrown down a controller, etc.  I agree with you, though, that ds needs practice with dealing with his frustrations and sometimes this means playing a game that might be a bit hard.  I'm totally OK with that. 

 

I just don't believe that dh is worried about him breaking this particular thing, but I could be wrong.  Breaking something in our house is usually not a matter of getting in trouble and then we replace it right away because we can't afford to do that most of the time and then everyone else can't enjoy the thing.

 

I know that we really need to hash this out so that will be happening today!

 

I have an aspie.  I know about the throwing things in frustration and how fast that can happen.  preventing him from playing with those items doesn't teach how to manage frustration - it's a punitive punishment.  telling him he's being taught delayed gratification with NO INPUT on how to 'earn' the item is punitive.   teaching kids about delayed gratification is giving them a goal and allowing them to achieve it so they can 'have their reward'.

 

I've learned to manage ds.  I help him to learn to understand his own emotions so he can control them himself.  so he can learn when to step back himself.  I stay nearby when he's likely to be super frustrated and break/destroy something to spite it.  (yeah, like that works . . . not.)

we talk about those feelings - which can be overwhelming for this age.  but we also talk about how it's an impulse and when the feeling is over, he's left with frustration becasue __ was destroyed.

it's pretty rare that he loses control like that anymore.  usually because he's overtired or needs to eat something.  (he doesn't recognize hunger - and his blood sugar can really affect him.)

 

your dh needs to grow up.

[Guest]

Just wanted to add that sometimes I feel like I have to advocate for our kids *against* his unreasonableness (again, this is not usual or typical, just sometimes), if that makes sense, and I do NOT like that dynamic. I'm not sure if that's a good way to put it to him, though..."sometimes I feel like I have to take sides because you're being unreasonable or unfair and you're putting me in a tough spot." ??

I hear ya. Sometimes I have to do this, too, because sometimes DH gets it into his head that "kids these days" are categorically growing up to be entitled, selfish brats, even against clear evidence that our kids are none of those things. But I don't have a problem telling him he's being a d!ck. I will say exactly that, "Dude, you are being a d!ck. If the kids display a character flaw that we need to work on, fine, we'll work on it, but I'm not going to pre-emptively jerk around my kids just because some douchebag on the radio keeps prattling on about how terrible kids are these days."

 

At one time, DH got it into his head that DS should not bring any of his toys to the family room; we have a playroom, so he wanted DS to play with his toys there. I told him straight up: "I am not doing that. It's mean. He doesn't want to sit in the far corner of the house and play trains or Legos by himself. We have a Family Room and he is allowed to bring toys into the Family Room and play with them in the presence of the FAMILY." That was the end of that issue. It is perfectly reasonable to expect DS to clean up his toys at the end of the day, and/or to limit the number of things strewn about at one time. beyond that, it's just unnecessarily harsh. We aren't operating a museum.

[LucyStoner]

Ok, so addressing the second phrase I bolded.....so you asked your DH, he gave you an answer, and you just don't believe him?  That's different than him having no reason.  Even if you don't believe him, he did give you an answer...you need to discuss that answer with him.  If you don't believe him, you need to tell him that.  Also, in light of the fact that your have said your son has gotten angry/frustrated and thrown down controllers and that sort of thing...I don't think "I don't want him to break it" is a completely unreasonable statement.  It maybe still be that that isn't really the case, but you won't figure that out unless you talk to him.

 

Now, "breaking something in our house is usually not a matter of getting in trouble...."  Perhaps your DH thinks there aren't enough consequences for expressing frustration in a manner that can be destructive.  Perhaps he really isn't on board with the whole "just don't replace it if it breaks" and really doesn't want the thing broken in the first place.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, it absolutely could be a childish selfish power play.  But since that's already been suggested, I am just trying to think of other possibilities. 

 

You are taking the bolded out of context, I think inadvertently.  

 

She said it's not a matter of getting in trouble and then they get a replacement.  She's saying that they don't get a replacement.  

 

If a child is in trouble for merely ASKING to use a new toy, I'm not seeing how this is a consequence free home.  If anything, the consequences sound overly harsh emotionally.  

 

Something, as Miss Clavel says, isn't right.  

[maize]

With regard to advocating for kids in the face of unreasonable or hurtful adult behavior--yep, I do it all the time. The fact that the adult who is being unreasonable is also the child's parent doesn't mean I should set aside the best interests of the child.

 

And know what? Sometimes it is my husband advocating for the kids when I am the one being unreasonable :tongue_smilie:

Edited March 26, 2017 by maize

[LucyStoner]

With regard to advocating for kids in the face of unreasonable or hurtful adult behavior--yep, I do it all the time. Just because the adult who is being unreasonable is also their parent doesn't mean I should set aside the best interests of the child.

 

And know what? Sometimes it is my husband advocating for the kids when I am the one being unreasonable :tongue_smilie:

 

Exactly.  The goal is that we aren't both off the rails at the same time.   :lol:

[LucyStoner]

I think the OP has provided enough clarifying information that it is clear there are some control issues at play.  Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck.  

 

The child is in trouble for asking to play without something.  I don't even know what that means, but it's a whole lotta nonsense to me.  I do not make excuses for people treating children badly.  If there's something that is just for my older son, we communicate that.  If additional supervision is needed to avoid breaking things, we do that.  If my boys aren't ready for it, I don't get it and then play with it in front of them if it's something that is more for kids than adults.  What this dad is doing is pretty icky, and it's ok just to admit that it's icky.  

 

If I had a BB-8 robot, I'd mail to the OP's youngest son.  

[HTRMom]

Sounds like DH is still in the mode of fighting with younger siblings over prized toys. Does he have siblings?

[almondbutterandjelly]

Maybe we can assume that dh is not having a power trip.  Maybe dh just wants to play with his new toy for awhile before his son breaks it.  That's not unreasonable.  Obviously the 17yo can be trusted.  Husbands are allowed to have toys, too.  I have toys.  I would be upset if my dd, say, shredded all my homeschool books.  Let dh have his toy.  When he is done with it, he will give it to ds.  It's called hand-me-down.  No, there's no time frame.  

 

 

[gardenmom5]

Maybe we can assume that dh is not having a power trip.  Maybe dh just wants to play with his new toy for awhile before his son breaks it.  That's not unreasonable.  Obviously the 17yo can be trusted.  Husbands are allowed to have toys, too.  I have toys.  I would be upset if my dd, say, shredded all my homeschool books.  Let dh have his toy.  When he is done with it, he will give it to ds.  It's called hand-me-down.  No, there's no time frame.  

 

husband are allowed to have toys - but according to the husband!!!! - this is a *family* toy.  (that he wont' allow the 10 yo to play with.)

[LucyStoner]

Maybe we can assume that dh is not having a power trip.  Maybe dh just wants to play with his new toy for awhile before his son breaks it.  That's not unreasonable.  Obviously the 17yo can be trusted.  Husbands are allowed to have toys, too.  I have toys.  I would be upset if my dd, say, shredded all my homeschool books.  Let dh have his toy.  When he is done with it, he will give it to ds.  It's called hand-me-down.  No, there's no time frame.  

 

 

Maybe we can assume that the OP has described the situation as it is and stop trying to make excuses for any and all shenanigans on the part of the father?  If it were his thing, the OP would have said that.  In fact, she said that this stuff he is limiting access to is for the "family."  Well, dad isn't the family, and the family isn't dad.  

 

It is not unreasonable to expect that a father would, at least most of the time, put his son ahead of his desire for toys.  It's not one particular adult toy or hobby he's doing it with, the OP indicated that it had been many different things where dad is putting himself and his enjoyment of a game first, ahead of his child.  

 

It doesn't sound to me that the child has been given any of these things first.  I'm not saying "dads don't get to have toys"; I am saying "Dads aren't the only ones that get to have cool new toys."  

[Tanaqui]

And I think the fact that I'm wary of just letting ds do it because of how dh will react which makes me sad that he's become someone I don't want to cross even with a lame issue like this. He is NOT a mean person in general at all but as we've been married longer he just does things sometimes that really make me wonder what is going on in his head!

 

The bold and italic portions of the quoted text directly contradict each other. Honestly, this sort of statement sets my spidey-sense tingling. There's something very weird about somebody saying, about a spouse, that they "don't want to cross them" - especially if they follow up with a reassurance that nope, everything's fine, their spouse isn't really like that at all.

 

I don't know what the situation is, but you say a couple of times that although this issue has come up before, it's not typical; that although you worry about "crossing" him, he's actually not mean. I want you to seriously sit down and ask yourself - are you reassuring us? Or are you reassuring you? How often do these freakishly mean and irrational moments occur? Once a year? Once a month?

[Anne in CA]

The bold and italic portions of the quoted text directly contradict each other. Honestly, this sort of statement sets my spidey-sense tingling. There's something very weird about somebody saying, about a spouse, that they "don't want to cross them" - especially if they follow up with a reassurance that nope, everything's fine, their spouse isn't really like that at all.

 

I don't know what the situation is, but you say a couple of times that although this issue has come up before, it's not typical; that although you worry about "crossing" him, he's actually not mean. I want you to seriously sit down and ask yourself - are you reassuring us? Or are you reassuring you? How often do these freakishly mean and irrational moments occur? Once a year? Once a month?

This is exactly what bother me too. So often verbal abusers were great guys for years and begin to abuse even 25 years after a marriage starts.I hope that is not the direction this is going, but it sounds worrisome. In my case my dh's grandfather was a verbal abuser and dh sometimes was unkind to my son or myself and we had a lot of expensive counseling to save our marriage, but even now when he gets a certain tone I have to be very firm that this is not developing. He gets it, he does. He does not want to be divorced and he is well aware that I WILL leave if I have to. I don't think I will ever have to, but I could and he knows it. 

[maize]

When there is a change in behavior it is sometimes (often even) a symptom of physical ailment; if behavior is changing after decades of marriage I would be sending my husband in for thorough health evaluations. 

 

As an example, when my dad was in his early 50's he began exhibiting controlling and even paranoid behavior. My mom was befuddled at the time. It was only many years later that she learned that those are common as early manifestations of Parkinson's disease--which dad was eventually diagnosed with.

Edited March 27, 2017 by maize

[Tanaqui]

Maize, that's a good point. A lot of conditions can cause behavioral changes in adults.

[Catwoman]

Maybe we can assume that dh is not having a power trip. Maybe dh just wants to play with his new toy for awhile before his son breaks it. That's not unreasonable. Obviously the 17yo can be trusted. Husbands are allowed to have toys, too. I have toys. I would be upset if my dd, say, shredded all my homeschool books. Let dh have his toy. When he is done with it, he will give it to ds. It's called hand-me-down. No, there's no time frame.

I'm sorry, but I can't assume that at all.

 

It's a toy. It's a toy that most people would buy for a 10yo. It's ridiculous that her dh would be so selfish, and honestly, it's ridiculous that she doesn't just take the toy and tell her dh that she's going to let their son play with it if her dh doesn't play with it with the kid.

 

What kind of father gets a toy and doesn't immediately get it out and play with it with his son? The first thing my dh would have done was rush home with the toy so he could share it with our ds, not so he could tempt him with it and then tell him he couldn't touch it. That's just plain mean.

[Murphy101]

to be perfectly honest:

it sounds like your dh has bought a toy/gaget for himself but is justifying it by saying it's for "the family". he sounds like a child who doesn't want to share his new toy. it's fine if he wants to have a toy, but claiming it's "for the family" but won't allow "the family" to play with it - just him - is very juvenile.

 

and honestly - your dh needing to 'test games first' to see if they are your ds's ability level - is bogus. ability/age levels are marked on the box.

 

it sounds like your dh wants to play with his toys - and passes them to your son when he's done/bored with them.

I have no issue with any adult in my home having their own games and whatever. But if that's the case, we just say so. This is dh's game. This is for everyone. This is for this kid. Sometimes they share or play together. But there's nothing wrong with having their own possessions.

 

We do not care what the rating is on the box. We personally rate any games by our own standard. There's E games we have refused to keep and T games even the 9yr old plays. And there are M games that no one is allowed to bring in the house, even adults. I have no issue with that either.

 

But the key to any of that is we are clear about it from the start. There is no weird saying this is for everyone but we might or might not ever let anyone else play it nonsense.

 

Our kids would get in "trouble" if they nagged about it bc we would have already stated the situation. Trouble being told to knock off the whining and nagging.

 

If all that was the case and dh pulled what the OP is describing, I'd remind him of the general rule of DBAD. And bc he usually isn't and I usually don't call him out much, he would likely take my comment as due for and adjust accordingly.

 

If the OP has found this be the norm, then it's time to stop and adjust the dynamic. Or accept that it doesn't bother her enough to actually do anything to change it. In which case, no point in complaining about it. Her husband might not be a jerk so much as a combination of oblivious and feeling like his wife is against him. That can be remedied though.

[SKL]

I am sorry to be late here, but I'm wondering if your dh has trouble articulating his reasoning.  I say that because I have that problem sometimes.

 

When he does things like this, I would ask him to take some time to put his objections into words and then explain it to me, and then perhaps I would be the one to explain it to the kids if necessary.  (Assuming it made any sense.)

 

Another thought is that a decision as to when your ds is ready for something should be a mutual decision for both parents, in general.