I'm pregnant-and don't want to be

[Janeway]

Its ok! I mean..it is ok to feel this way! It won't change how much you love this baby, I am sure of it. Did I mention I sat in the postpartum room, two days after the baby was born after this last baby, and cried..because it was...wtf..what did I do?!?!?! It felt that way for pretty much the entire pregnancy. 

 

Now, he is approaching two years old. And he seems to be my smartest and most agreeable child yet! I mean, he is already counting to two and asking to use the potty. He almost never argues with me. And he is very funny. But I do still wish he were a girl, but, he is so sweet anyway. 

 

Congratulations! Even if you don't feel happy right now, you still deserve a good pat on the back.

[abba12]

I'm so sorry. I want a large family, at least a couple more (or a couple more than that...). But once i'm done I want to be done. I knew before I even married that I DID NOT want to have a baby at 40 (no offence to those who do, it's just personal preference. I was overjoyed to be pregnant with my first at 18 where many would be horrified at the loss of their young adulthood). Probably the latest I would want to give birth is 35. I gave up my 20s to have children young, and for me the trade off of that will be teens to help when I'm in my 30s, no more little ones in my 40s, and moving on to the next stage of my life in my 50s. That sounds cold typed out, it's not, I love being a mother. But I had no child-free adulthood. There's things I look forward to doing once I have older kids, and once my kids are grown, things other people got to do when they were in their 20s like travel. A surprise baby is a huge fear of mine. Thankfully, while we do have some religious convictions in this area, a vasectomy is not a problem to us, and we may even consider doing something with my body to be doubly safe.

 

All that is to say... I understand your feelings of fear and anger and sadness. You're living my nightmare right now, you don't need to feel ashamed of being upset, or guilty about not being happy enough. It's not 'proper' to speak about, but, as you can see here, a lot of people would feel the same way you do. 

[RootAnn]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I understand and wish you the best as you move forward - however long it takes you. I hope that as the baby grows & you are able to plan some things out, that the future won't seem so caged-in.

 

I could have written this 4 years ago. Number 6 was a complete surprise.  I cried for three months hoping and praying I would have a miscarriage. It didn't happen. 

 

. . . And if you do have a miscarriage after hoping for one, the guilt is soul-crushing.  :sad:

[maize]

First: congratulations!

 

Second: big hugs and no judgment for the rough feelings. It is not wrong to recognize the huge burden and commitment (a couple of decades worth) that come with a new baby.

[melbotoast]

:grouphug:

[goldenecho]

I can really relate, though I wasn't in the same situation as you.  When I discovered I was pregnant with my youngest, I was not wanting another baby.  I felt so many of the things you're feeling now.  I felt good about where I was with my older kids and not wanting to change.  I had a rough time with them when they were little and didn't want to go back to that.  I remember looking at those double lines and my heart just sinking.

 

Then, somewhere between then and when I told my husband...well, I don't like to causally say that "God told me" anything, but it was a strong thought in my head that felt like a message from God to have faith....so strong I even decided to name the baby Faith if it was a girl. 

 

And this little one was the perfect addition to our family.  Nothing I feared came to pass (oh, other things...eventually...I'm not saying that everything has been easy).  But of course I could not imagine my life without our youngest now.

 

But, I totally get how you feel now.    HUGS!

[ocelotmom]

That was #3 for me.

 

When #2 was born, we were in a very very bad position financially. My skills from my pre-kids job were too out-of-date for me to find any sort of reasonable work, so we decided I'd go to nursing school. Even though it meant being in a bad financial position for a few more years, it seemed like a better option in the long run than going to work at a grocery store or something. So that's what I did. I overcame huge odds and managed to get into a program about as fast as possible (nursing school admission was VERY competitive where we lived).

 

Partway through the final semester, I found myself pregnant. It was absolutely horrible. Here I was, finally at the point where I could really begin to look at getting us back on track financially, and.... baby. I actually had wanted another baby in a few years, but not then. I felt like I was betraying my already-born kids and basically ruining everything. Plus I had the worst morning sickness of any of my pregnancies, and minor but ongoing health problems much of the rest of the time - only gained 5lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight. So it was physically miserable.

 

But it worked out. By the time she was born, I'd accepted it. I do think it likely changed the course of my career, but not necessarily in a bad way. We're financially back on track. And, of course, she's a joy.

 

But it was very very emotionally rough for a while.

[Mom25girls]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[BusyMom5]

Hugs, I am in your shoes, too!  I was done, no baby stuff, big kids self-sufficient and all school aged.  It's been hard, but I'm slowly adjusting to the idea.  The kids and DH have all adjusted better than I have.  I am also a bit worried about the age thing- I didn't want high schoolers in my late 50s.  I'm hoping I can keep up with a baby or toddler. 

[tdbates78]

Hugs!! I can relate...sort of. It took us awhile to decide we even wanted kids, and then we just wanted one. Period. So at my 18 week ultrasound I find out I'm having twins. Everyone was super excited and I was devestated. I cried as I left my appointment. I had to mourn the life that I had envisioned of our perfect little family of three. I was also terrified. I didn't know how to take care of one infant, let alone two! Now I couldn't imagine it any other way, but it took me awhile into my pregnancy to come to terms with the reality of bringing home two babies. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[JessReplanted]

((Hugs))

 

I have been there. Now she is three, and she is a joy and a delight. I am sometimes still surprised by how much joy she brings me.

[Amira]

:grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

My mother felt this way about my youngest brother and confided in her best friend. Who told the whole world. So, you are off to a good start already because you are staying anonymous. Your feelings are totally legit. You are not a magician, you are a mother. There are only so many resources and you are doing well with your new season in life. Your feelings are real and  VALID. I'm sorry for your stress.

[Scarlett]

I don't think it is that unusual and you get no judgment from me. I had wanted a baby for years and finally got my then husband to try when I was 33. Sort of try. Oh man was it not pleasant. After a year of that I just gave up.....my former boss was offering me a position 1000 miles away......I was 'this' close to taking the job and leaving my husband behind to decide if he wanted to be married to me....when BAM! I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I went to a 3 day religious Convention...one I had gone to every summer of my life......and all I could think was negative thoughts....how hard that Convention would be the following year...how I couldn't take that job in New England.....ect ect....it was so crazy. I had not yet told anyone except my then husband....

 

Somehow in the next few weeks? Months? I got over those feelings. And all I can say is my son has been the single greatest joy of my life.

[Mergath]

Don't be hard on yourself. It's not at all unusual to feel that way. I'm just about twenty weeks pregnant with my second child. My first dd is almost nine. I'd wanted another child for years, but finally resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen. I was content having an only, and was beginning to figure out what I'm going to do once dd is older and I don't need to be home all the time. I was thinking about going back to college.

 

And then I got pregnant out of the blue. I have days where I'm happy, giddy even, because I've wanted another child for a long time. Then I have other days where the terror and uncertainty keep me up at night. I feel bad because dd is going to be so much older than this child, and they aren't exactly going to be the best of friends because of that. Dh just switched to another shift at work, a shift he loves and that makes him so much happier and gives him more time with us, but he took a decent pay cut in the process. I have NO idea how we're going to afford a baby. Some days I have a pity party and tell dh we should just give the baby up for adoption to some wealthy family with young children s/he will be able to play with.

 

Try to be as gentle with yourself as you would with a friend who's pregnant and having doubts. We tend to be a lot harder on ourselves than we do anyone else. Whatever you're feeling is okay, and I think you'd be surprised at how many women have had the same feelings.

[mamakelly]

I had a similar situation. I gave away every single solitary baby thing I had, just a few weeks before finding out I was pregnant. My husband had been scheduled for a vasectomy, and it had been rescheduled by one month. Somehow after 13 years of marriage and no surprise babies, one managed to sneak in just a few weeks before the vasectomy. I didn't find out that I was pregnant until six or eight weeks after his vas. I cried for 39 weeks. I literally went out the day before I was induced, and bought the baby a bed. I nearly chickened of the induction, because I still wasn't ready to do the baby thing again. I won't lie, It wasn't an easy adjustment, but I did eventually found my groove. I am a lot more relaxed than I was with the other kids. I remember feeling this exact same way that you're feeling. If you want to talk, message me, I totally understand where you're coming from. (((Hugs)))

[debinindy]

 

 

Try to be as gentle with yourself as you would with a friend who's pregnant and having doubts. We tend to be a lot harder on ourselves than we do anyone else. Whatever you're feeling is okay, and I think you'd be surprised at how many women have had the same feelings.

 

 

 

I so agree

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

:grouphug:   I hope acceptance and peace come sooner rather than later!  In the meantime, let yourself feel what you feel.  It's ok, of course you'll love the baby and you'll find a way to shove a bed in somewhere, somehow.  But for now, let yourself be upset!  

[Carrie12345]

:grouphug:  I struggled with #4 more than #5.  I know a #6 at this point would be EXTREMELY difficult for me to come to terms with, no matter how wonderful it would be in the end.

 

 

Because we aren't sure we are done yet and have moral compunctions with ruining a healthy functioning reproductive system from a religious standpoint.

Right now we don't feel like we are done. We are just waiting half a decade to get some things in order and will reassess at 35-ish.

 

Age was my big reason for waiting.  I had three by 26, four by 30.  That seemed like plenty (after both 3 and 4!), but I wasn't comfortable trying to predict how we'd feel over another decade +. And it turns out, we kinda like #5.  ;)   Which made it hard for me to make a permanent decision at 34, though now I'm glad we did.

 

I still have real fears about V failure.  I don't care if that's paranoid, I've earned my right to be paranoid after multiple "that wasn't supposed to happen" conceptions!

[mommyoffive]

I am glad there are so many who have stories that make you feel like you are not so alone in this feeling . 

 

 

I get how you could feel that way.   After you give everything away and in your mind you have moved past the baby stage.   It is hard to go back there when you see all the good stuff about older kids. 

 

[goldberry]

As someone who did not like the baby stage at all, and was so happy when DD was old enough to interact with, I totally sympathize.  It's okay to be sad.   :grouphug:

[liber]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I understand and wish you the best as you move forward - however long it takes you. I hope that as the baby grows & you are able to plan some things out, that the future won't seem so caged-in.

 

 

. . . And if you do have a miscarriage after hoping for one, the guilt is soul-crushing.  :sad:

 

Yes, I probably would have felt guilty.  Thankfully it didn't happen.  He is such a joy.  I couldn't imagine him not being here.

[HTRMom]

I'm sorry to hear this. (But also, congratulations.) I very much did not want to be pregnant with my third baby because I already had two under two! I found it frustrating and humiliating that I wasn't really in control of this aspect of my life, despite my good efforts. I resented the pregnancy until about 7.5 months. I waited to tell everyone until it had been obvious for a while because I didn't want to talk about it. I also have depression during and after pregnancy and bad morning sickness and various other symptoms. It just sucks on many levels to get pregnant against your will.

 

I hope you find in time that this new little one is just what your family needed, that the kids love the baby and get great practical experience too. Hopefully between five siblings, you can get a good amount of help without burdening anyone much.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gardenmom5]

I was the baby my mom wasn't happy to be having.  she came to the day, I was the one she was most grateful she had.

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Lawyer&Mom]

Consider a "fake it till you make it" approach. I had trouble bonding with Dd2 after I brought her home from the NICU. (Late term preemie, breathing issues.) She was a perfectly lovely baby and I honestly didn't mind taking care of her, but I didn't feel like her mother. I felt like I was babysitting at best. My lack of positive emotion distressed me. I wanted to love her and I just didn't. So I decided to pretend. What was the harm, right? "You are my beautiful daughter and I love you so much, I'm so glad you are here!" Repeat, repeat, repeat. When I felt anxious, I told myself, "You are doing your absolute best in a difficult situation." At the very least faking it let me feel like I was doing something, and the situation wasn't completely out of my control.

 

Fast forward and of course my daughter is an absolute delight and I'm crazy about her. Did I mention you are doing your absolute best in a difficult situation? You can do this, and we are so glad to help.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Just hugs

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

[Bluegoat]

Hugs, OP, that is a terrible feeling.

 

I was so worried when I became pregnant last year.  I also thought I was done with babies, my life was organized, my house full, I was babysitting a young toddler and doing some projects now that the kids were older.  I had given away a lot of baby stuff.  I was worried about pregnancy and the delivery.

 

What I've found is I've really been able to enjoy her more than the others - I know what I'm doing, I am not harried by other small kids.  I'm much more mellow.  And a big part of it is how much her siblings love her and want to help out.  Even when they don't, I think it's been a good experience for them.  My eldest, 12 has become very attached to he, and my ds7 has really grown up a lot - he likes to take her in the mornings to sit on the couch and watch tv while I get breakfast together.

 

All of which is to say, it may turn out to be quite different than you expect. 

[Liz CA]

What a tough spot to be in. I am sorry and I can relate somewhat as I had a "scare" in my mid forties. One day at a time - sometimes one hour at a time. :grouphug:

[Meadowlark]

Well, look at my signature and you can see we have a bit in common. I can honestly say, although this current one was not planned, after the first trimester I began to just be so thankful for the opportunity to bring life into the world again. It just took me a bit for it to sink in. We sold everything too and were "moving on". Although, I can honestly say there has always been a nagging that we weren't quite done....but I chose to ignore it for 4 years. I'm guessing once you get used to the idea and see that baby on ultrasound, you might feel differently soon. It's okay to be shocked. I am finally feeling my little one and the whole family is so excited to have a baby around again.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[TravelingChris]

It is okay not to be thrilled.  Take time for yourself to get adjusted.  It will be a big change.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

Hugs, OP, that is a terrible feeling.

 

I was so worried when I became pregnant last year.  I also thought I was done with babies, my life was organized, my house full, I was babysitting a young toddler and doing some projects now that the kids were older.  I had given away a lot of baby stuff.  I was worried about pregnancy and the delivery.

 

What I've found is I've really been able to enjoy her more than the others - I know what I'm doing, I am not harried by other small kids.  I'm much more mellow.  And a big part of it is how much her siblings love her and want to help out.  Even when they don't, I think it's been a good experience for them.  My eldest, 12 has become very attached to he, and my ds7 has really grown up a lot - he likes to take her in the mornings to sit on the couch and watch tv while I get breakfast together.

 

All of which is to say, it may turn out to be quite different than you expect. 

 

they have a real live baby doll to play with . . .

[Okra]

Hugs....I didn't read any of the comments.  But, I can say that it's okay to be scared.  It's okay to not be excited.  You can be worried all the way through your pregnancy.  But, the baby will come.  You will love him/her.  And, you will not be able to imagine life without baby.

 

We make things work.  You will find room in your house for this little one. Sometimes unexpected things happen that make life harder.  But, harder isn't bad.  You will be okay.  And, you will have one more child to have late night conversations with when they are older.  

 

More hugs.  And Congratulations.  

[Word Nerd]

I have a friend whose grandchild is older than her youngest child, and the next youngest sibling was already in college. They were stunned at first, to say the least, but they couldn't be happier now. It's understandable and normal to feel a wide range of emotions about pregnancy. Don't be hard on yourself for reacting to this unexpected news negatively.

Edited March 28, 2017 by GalaxyGal

[Audrey]

It's definitely okay to have those feelings.  I would be devastated if I got pregnant now. I can only imagine how you must feel.  :grouphug: 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

:grouphug:

I have a caboose. he was born the year 1dd graduated college. 2dd was a college freshman - so, I did only have two still at home (well, the girls were home in the summer). he was planned, in a way. but it had been so long, and I was in perimenopause - I really thought it wasn't' going to happen. dh was ecstatic. I was torn.

I do understand the putting life on hold. (what energy was left from him was taken by my own health issues.)

 

oh- and I got rid of my cradle and diapers TWO MONTHS before I got pg. (that did it. I used paper.) I really liked the baby nightgowns with elastic at the feet. so easy for nighttime diaper changes. but I never would have bought them if I was reusing older kids stuff.

 

then - it was an extremely difficult pregnancy. I developed pneumonia and was hospitalized. I had sporadic implantation bleeding until I was 12 weeks - and later a mild abruption that bled off and on until he was born . . . to think I'd been praying I wouldn't have the hip issues I had with 1ds & 2ds . . . . (I didn't - it was worse.) and he spent his first week in the hospital nursery.

 

his siblings adore him. he adores them. 1dd does combo mom/big-sister/favorite-aunt all rolled up into one. he gets to have over nights at her house. (2dd lives in another state. dsil will have nerf-gun fights with him.) 1ds is his most favorite person in the world. I think it's been good for 2ds to have a younger sibling . . . he was the light of my mother's life. she died right before his 4th birthday.

 

I've learned so many things I never would have without him.

 

he turned things upside down - but has enriched all of our lives.

<3

[SeaConquest]

I got pregnant 10 days before my husband's vasectomy. I get it. I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Sending you big hugs.

[MotherGoose]

Hugs to you! I could've written your post 2 years ago. But now baby is a precious toddler and I can't imagine life without him. As soon as he was born, I was attached, although I spent the whole pregnancy depressed and angry. And he's the sweetest mama loving one of the bunch. I completely understand.

[ktgrok]

I think your feelings are not only normal, but common. My husband and I always say that pregnancy test commercials are so fake because they never show the people that are freaking out in panic when they get the positive result. 

 

When I got pregnant with my first I wasn't married, was in the process of breaking up with my fiancé, and was still in college. I FREAKED OUT. I cried, sobbing hysterically, on the bathroom floor when I got that positive. But I love him to pieces, and you will to. There is nothing wrong with being upset, and it won't prevent bonding or whatever. It is normal. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

I would feel the same way. It must just be exhausting to contemplate.  :grouphug:

 

Can I ask what you were using for protection? I hope that's not too personal. I have my annual checkup coming up and I'm considering some changes. I want to be as infertile as possible (in my mid-late 40's) but not have to go through a tubal. I know almost nothing is foolproof, but I'm curious about what has and hasn't worked for others.  

[aregularuser]

Ladies for thanks for the hugs, the stories, the congratulations.

 

I keep coming back to this thread, and rereading everything. You all mean so much to me. Thanks for sharing, for letting me know it's okay and that it will be okay.

 

I appreciate it more than you likely know.

[Random]

:grouphug:

 

There is so much great advice and encouragement here already but I'll add mine, too.

 

We weren't planning for #4.  I spent nearly all of my midwife checkups crying because I didn't want another baby.  I cried all the time.  I sobbed.  I was sick the entire pregnancy.  I was a horrible mom the entire pregnancy.  My other three kids were under 6.  When the baby was born and my midwife tried to hand her to me, I pushed her away and said I didn't want her.  We all cried again.

 

But within a few days, the fog began to lift.  As the pregnancy hormones began to dissipate, my mind began to clear.  Within a few months, I was totally in love with the little baby.  I did have ppd, and the recovery was slow, but it was steady and most days in the right direction. Today, she's truly the light of our lives.  It's cliche, but I can't even imagine life without her. 

 

I just wanted to encourage you.  I hope you feel better soon, op.  It's so easy to say, but do try to be kind to yourself.  Pregnancy is usually pretty hard, even on the best terms!

 

:grouphug: