My dad is remarrying (JAWM & I need hugs)

[fairfarmhand]

My dad remarried a year and four months after my mom died. It was hard but she's a wonderful lady and she's so good for my dad.

 

But there's no weirdness like this situation, like extra kids, age difference, etc.

 

 

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[LMV]

Amber, I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. My dad died from cancer when I was pregnant with our oldest daughter. It was hard. He was a great dad and so great as a grandfather with my brothers' kids and my stepson so in some ways I feel the loss so much for our kids as well. It is all hard so be gentle with yourself and with your family.

 

My mom did eventually remarry a widower. His kids, with the exception of one, were at least as opposed to the relationship as you and your siblings are. My mom and her husband delayed the actual wedding for years hoping that his kids might come around. Unfortunately they didn't. My mother would have never cohabitated outside of marriage so that option wasn't on the table for them. Eventually they accepted that they would just marry without the support of his children. It is very sad that he has no relationship with three of his four children and none of his living grandchildren. He is actually amazing with my kids and I love that they have another person in their lives to love them but feel a bit sad at what his biological grandchildren could have, but don't. I really hope that this whole situation works out much differently for your family.

 

 

Disclaimer: I probably shouldn't respond to this because I am my husband's second wife. I'm definitely older than his oldest children (both the biological son he had with his late first wife and his godson, the son of his best friend who we raised after his death) although I will admit that I was mistaken for the latter's wife when we happened to bump into one of his colleagues while we were all their with our respective children. I will also acknowledge my financial net worth increased when I married DH but I'm a physician so I think I probably would have made things work financially regardless. Fortunately my husband's family, friends, and our local community have been so much less judgmental and so much more willing to extend kindness and keep an open mind than many posters on this thread. Sometimes life is just hard and sometimes we have to embrace the joy that can emerge even from and around much sorrow and tragedy.

[Tess in the Burbs]

My dad was dating within weeks of my stepmom dying quickly from cancer.  (told 6 months, died 3 days later)  I couldn't believe he was out with women so quickly!  One got serious that first few months and I was worried he would remarry.  He wised up and now will go out, but has no plans to remarry.  But even my stepmom...he sold our childhood home to move into her house not far away.  It felt like that relationship went too fast as well.  I have heard men will remarry faster.  A dear friend passed away many years ago and the husband remarried in a year.  Said he wanted a mom for the kids.  It felt too fast.  

anyway, as much as you aren't happy, I would just tell him you want him to be happy.  Maybe tell him you are concerned it's too fast and if it's a good relationship wait a little bit longer after her divorce to do a wedding.  But then tell him you want all the best for him.  As hard as it will be to say it.

[Alessandra]

I just skimmed the posts, and I did not see anything about finances. Depending on what state you live in, a spouse may be entitled to a certain percentage of any inheritance from the other spouse. If you and your siblings believe that your mother and your father would have wanted you and your siblings to have a certain inheritance, you might want to talk to your father about it. Not an easy conversation by any means, but an attorney should be able to work something out, so the new wife could live comfortably should she be widowed, but not have so much that she passes it on to her relatives and not to you.

 

Forgive me for being so materialistic, but the relationship will probably be easier if you think it is fair, financially speaking.

[RioSamba]

Especially given your dad's response to your sister, I think you've behaved beautifully. You've been gracious and respectful in challenging circumstances. I see the red flags too. The short one/homeschooling conversation makes me think she's already trying to drive a wedge between you. All you can really do is continue to be polite. Leave the door open.

 

I'm glad that you have your mother's books, and I will be the one billionth poster to say that if you, your siblings, or children want anything else, do it now. I'm sure that it would be very helpful to your dad if you all help him pare down before his move. I'd go to the mat for pictures. If he doesn't want to give them up, copy them.

 

I'm so sorry this is happening. I hope that the fiancÄ—e turns out to just be awkward and clueless rather than as awful as she seems.

[klmama]

Definitely offer to help your dad downsize.  "Dad, I would be happy to help you start sorting through your things, since you won't be taking everything to New Wife's house when you move.  Some things you and New Wife won't need, since hers are newer, but they'd mean a lot to me - things like Mom's ___  and Grandma's ___.  This would be a good time to go through the family photos, too.  Sis and I would love to have photos from when we were kids."