Amber in SJ Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Some of you may remember that my mom passed away on Valentine's Day 2016, 6 weeks after being diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer. My dad was at my house for a family event in January & he talked a lot about a woman he had met at church over the Christmas holidays, not someone who has gone to his church for years, someone who was visiting. In February he called to ask if we could be at a family reunion weekend with all my siblings & their families on Memorial Day weekend. Turns out the family reunion is a "surprise" (to us kids) wedding that my dad & this woman are planning. None of us have met this woman, but here is what I know: She is a few years older than my sister Her kids are the age of my older kids It has to be a "surprise" because her divorce isn't final. It will be final just before the wedding. Her second divorce. My dad will be her third husband. They intend to sell the home/property where I grew up and live in her house in the next little town. I am trying to be supportive but what the heck is going on?!?!?!? My parents were married for 49 years before Mom died. Her ashes are still in the living room in an urn next to her picture and he keeps fresh roses there. My sister who is a marriage & family counselor told him that there are a few red flags here & he was very angry that any of his kids would be critical, express concerns or give advice. I told my dad I don't think mom would want him to be unhappy or lonely, that she will always be the mother of his children and that I love him & want him to be happy too. My kids don't want to call her grandma & I told them they don't have to, but they have to be respectful & pleasant to an adult. I may be freaking out here. Amber in SJ 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Oh my gosh. I am so sorry. My dad is also dating (and going to marry) someone close to my age and it is hard and weird and terribly awkward. But to have this be so sudden and so soon after your mom passed and just SPRUNG on you like this... I cannot imagine. Your dad is not thinking straight. I truly hope this woman is a good person. Again, I am so sorry you are facing this. :grouphug: 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Oh ouch. That's so hard. My mom's dad did something similar a few years ago before he died and it was so awkward and painful. We wanted him to be happy and not be alone but it was so sudden and felt like a betrayal, not to mentioned extremely awkward for the whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Yeah I can imagine not being thrilled about that. I'm sorry. big hugs.. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Amber, I hope she turns out to be a good person despite the icky circumstances. I don't blame you for being upset, though. People move forward (or not) at their own pace. Red flags aside (and they're waving furiously), your dad could certainly have handled this situation with much more sensitivity toward all of you--and in a way that would make a remarriage a more positive event for all concerned. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I guess I'd try to look at it as that's between your dad and her. She is not going to replace your mother or be your mother or represent any sort of motherly person in your life. These details aside, if I have any sort of objection to my dad and another woman it centers around feeling as if my mother would be replaced. I wouldn't say so to him, but I have had those thoughts. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Ulgh it's so hard for parents to remarry under the "best" circumstances. Your situation is well beyond that, I'm so sorry :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I'm sorry. I really hope it turns out well, but there definitely are some red flags. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) I have heard before that it is common for men to remarry at whiplash rate when they have spent a very long time with the original mate. They are used to the marriage set-up and want to be back in that mode again as soon as possible. I am sorry for your loss and I'm sorry this is hard to process. ETA: typo Edited March 23, 2017 by Quill 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I'm so sorry. I would be very upset. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I hope it turns out ok. I think it would be wise for them to maintain separate finances if he's willing? Hugs to you. It's hard when our parents marry someone else. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I'm sorry. I'd be freaking out too. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) There was a similar situation in my family. If there is ANYTHING belonging to your mother that you want to keep for yourself or your children, get it out of the house now. If your father goes through with this marriage, you can bet your sweet cheeks that she will sell, trash, or get rid of everything that belonged to your mother in her efforts to mark her territory and erase her from your father's memory. Get the family photos out now, any jewelry, absolutely anything...smuggle it out if you have to. Just don't let her get her hands on it or you will never see it again. I just remembered this was a JAWM thread. I'm so sorry for all that you are going through while your mama's passing is still so fresh in your heart and mind. :grouphug: Edited March 23, 2017 by Ewe Mama 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) Can you convince him to move in with her for a while and see how it works out before he marries her? I am seeing the same red flags everyone else is seeing, and I am so disappointed in the way your father is handling this. I fear this woman is taking advantage of his emotional state. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Edited March 23, 2017 by Catwoman 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I'm sorry, the whole situation sounds suspicious imo. Unfortunately, being your dad and about to be married, he's probably unlikely to listen to any sort of logical advice. I would be super concerned that she's still married (could very well be an affair on her part, and definitely is in at least definition), the timing, maybe her age, etc. What's the rush, kwim? I hope things work out well for everyone. (Hugs) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 There was a similar situation in my family. If there is ANYTHING belonging to your mother that you want to keep for yourself or your children, get it out of the house now. If your father goes through with this marriage, you can bet your sweet cheeks that she will sell, trash, or get rid of everything that belonged to your mother in her efforts to mark her territory and erase her from your father's memory. Get the family photos out now, any jewelry, absolutely anything...smuggle it out if you have to. Just don't let her get her hands on it or you will never see it again. I just remembered this was a JAWM thread. I'm so sorry for all that you are going through while your mama's passing is still so fresh in your heart and mind. :grouphug: Without the need to smear someone who hasn't actually done any such thing, this is still good advice. My maternal grandfather married his third wife (who was between my mom and her older sister in age) and there were no red flags right away, though my mom and aunt never much liked her (come to think of it, her own kids never much liked her either)...but eventually she wound up with his big nice house and he was living in a small rental property of his when he passed away. It was after his death that my aunt (who was executor of his estate) discovered that she had left many pictures of his second wife (who had helped raise my mom and aunts, and whose kids grandpa had helped raise, and who had died a few years before grandpa married wife three) and other things the family would have like to have had out in the rain to be ruined. I would say, ask about distributing family stuff ahead of the sale of his house, but don't make it about his new wife and assuming she will wreck things. He's going to need to downsize to move into her house anyway. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Oh, no. I am so sorry. Yes, to urging him separate money, Yes, to getting at least a duplicate of family photos that kind of thing. It sounds so troubling. And so hard to wrap your mind around. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs, 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Yeah, I would not be cool with that. At all. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Many, many (hugs)! Btdt. More (hugs) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 :grouphug: That would be overwhelming. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Thought I would add :grouphug: . My dad remarried as soon as the ink was dry after my parents' divorce, but she was in my dad's generation with two grown kids, not younger, and my parents were miserable with each other for a lot of years so I was just glad to see both of them happier by that point. I didn't have to deal with it on top of grief over losing a parent, though. It's a rough situation you're in. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) Okay, from some family experience. If there are heirlooms you want, get them now because otherwise you likely never will. Keep things casual and at a distance; don't get your kids involved in their relationship, but my experience and that of several friends is that the much younger spouse really does not want or be a grandma and in order to maintain the honeymooning bride persona will not be happy about grandpa being around the kids, even be cruel. So until there is some time to ascertain her true character and get to know her in adulterous, keep it pretty separate from kid world. They can call grandpa, see him casually in a public place, etc. I can't emphasize this enough. My brother did the lightening fast remarriage and the newbie was a terrible abuser. Edited March 23, 2017 by FaithManor 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: My dad started dating less than 6 months after my mom had died. I'm so sorry... I hope you can reason with your dad, but honestly, I doubt it. I would not be happy about this situation either. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Ack, I am sorry Amber. Since you have a MFT in the family and he refused to listen to her, I don't know that anything else can be done. Perhaps knowing that men tend to remarry rather fast because they seem to not deal well with loneliness across the board compared to women is likely cold comfort in this situation. I suppose you don't really know if he sees the red flags as well but is ignoring them so he can have companionship or if he is truly ignorant of what is going on. Either way, you will have to deal with the situation unless something happens between now and then. Try not to interpret this as diminished love for your mother. They may have been very happy together and he wants to recreate some sort of happiness. You can still cherish the memory of your mother and tell your children what a wonderful grandma she was. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) Okay, from some family experience. If there are heirlooms you want, get them now because otherwise you likely never will. Keep things casual and at a distance; don't get your kids involved in their relationship, but my experience and that of several friends is that the much younger spouse really does not want or be a grandma and in order to maintain the honeymooning bride persona will not be happy about grandpa being around the kids, even be cruel. So until there is some time to ascertain her true character and get to know her in adulterous, keep it pretty separate from kid world. They can call grandpa, see him casually in a public place, etc. I can't emphasize this enough. My brother did the lightening fast remarriage and the newbie was a terrible abuser. I hope things will work out better for you, Amber than Faith describes. Unfortunately, I feel she has a few good points to ponder. A slow getting to know each other would not hurt even if he is moving fast. Edited March 24, 2017 by Liz CA 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I have heard before that it is common for men to remarry at whiplash rate when they have spent a very long time with the original mate. They are used to the marriage set-up and want to be back in that mode again as soon as possible. I am sorry for your loss and I'm sorry this is hard to process. ETA: typo :iagree: I have seen this happen several times, when widowed men are so lonely that they will marry the first woman that happens along. Unfortunately, their hastiness usually leads to an unhappy marriage. Amber, I am so sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I agree with the previous posters who said you should get anything that belonged to your mom out of his house as soon as possible. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanier.1765 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Wow, I have nothing to add to all the fantastic advice you've already received but I did want to offer my support. Good luck to you all and I hope you don't need it. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 My grandfather wasn't widowed, but he left my grandmother for a much younger woman who was just a year and a half older than his oldest child. She had a seven year old son nine months older than the oldest grandchild(me). It took a long time for my mom and aunt to warm up to her and to accept the relationship. They were married over twenty years when she died suddenly and unexpectedly. She turned out to be a wonderful woman who loved my grandfather very much and went out of her way to make sure the grandchildren were included in activities they did with her son growing up. There were many, many red flags in her past and their relationship at the beginning. It was very hard on my mom and aunt. However, they turned out to be exactly what each other needed, and we miss her greatly now. My mom and aunt have filled some mom roles for their step brother since his mom's very early death and I consider him a close cousin. I hope it turns out the same for your family. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Big hugs! My mom married a great fella two years after my dad died. As a married 27 year old mom of one, I still had moments when I wanted to scream at him, 'If you go away, my daddy can come home.' Sigh...there's always a bit of the small child in us. I, too, see red flags and I agree with getting out any sentimental or heirloom type things now. We did not. After 10 years of marriage, the his, mine, and ours became rather hopelessly combined. And the estate when my mom died was a mess. Mostly because she changed her will two days before she died. Sigh. I hope all the best for you and your family. Please stay in contact with your dad--he needs you far more than he knows. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenNC Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I'm sorry, it's really hard and hard knowing there's really nothing you can do but try to maintain a relationship with him throughout. My mother passed away suddenly when my sister and I were in our teens (late teens for me, early for my sister) and my dad started actively looking for a new relationship about 2 weeks afterwards (coloring his hair and going to a Christian singles group). He was engaged 3 months later, and they married 5 months after that, but she was a (relatively recent) widow a bit older than him whose children were a good bit older than me and married. They ended up selling both their houses and buying a new one together. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) I don't know if you will feel the need to be so very outspoken, but there is an emotional reaction (understandable!!!), then there is just plain wisdom in business matters. I hope you might be able to urge your father to be wise about business matters. And ask him his wants are for advanced old age. That's got to be planned for unless new wife is solid enough to stick around and provide appropriate care for a much older spouse. Edited March 23, 2017 by Seasider 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) I'll add, I don't think it's unusual for a long-married widower to feel intensely lonely and want to remarry. I even believe that they may feel the "clock is ticking" a bit faster since they are older. The red flags I see are a very quick plan to remarry (a legal event), especially to a woman who is not yet divorced! Edited March 24, 2017 by Seasider 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minerva Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Ugh. I feel for you. Truly. My FIL was married to my very dear MIL for 45 years, then re-married less than 8 months after she passed (coincidentally, also to a woman he met in church -- which he hadn't been to in decades himself). FIL's wife was... not an ideal person as far as my dh and his siblings were concerned, but it was what it was, and they realised that they really couldn't do anything about it. The remarriage is probably the biggest reason why most of the other siblings wouldn't come around anymore. When FIL passed away last year, it was rather clear that his wife was done with the rest of the family. The feeling was quickly mutual, so it wasn't a great loss. It just was what it was. All that is to say... I hear you and I'm really sorry. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I am so sorry. I know two people that this sort of thing happened to and they were very, very hurt. We will pray for you and you will be protected. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Can you run a background check on her? It sounds like she could be a scam artist. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callie Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Not a parent but my sil was dating within 2 weeks of my bil death. We were flabbergasted. They had a great marriage. After 20 years of marriage she no longer has any relationship with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in SJ Posted March 24, 2017 Author Share Posted March 24, 2017 Thank you, everyone for the virtual hugs & sympathy. I am just going to have to hope for the best & try to minimize any negative impact on my kids. I talked to my dad today and he let me know that she has seen pictures of all of us and she refers to me as "the short one." Which is true, but rather irritating because all my siblings are tall like my dad but I am short like my mom, and he let me know that as a former school superintendent and current public school principal she disapproves of homeschooling. Out of the 5 of us siblings 3 of us homeschool. I am not sure why those comments would be made and why my dad felt the need to tell me. My mom was not a collector of jewelry, but she did have shelves & shelves of books. The last time I was there I took a big box worth so that my kids could have a stack of special ones from Grammy. I took the ones she waited in line to get signed, or that I remember her reading to us as children or that she wrote something in, like where she bought it & why she liked it. Amber in SJ 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I haven't read all of the replies. I'm sorry you are going through this. I have btdt long enough to then have to deal with the fallout when that impulsive marriage ended. I would encourage you to be honest with your dad. He probably won't listen, but this whole thing has the potential for disaster. Love him well by speaking truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 (edited) Does your dad have a close friend or sibling that you can contact and who can talk to him about this? Edited March 24, 2017 by reefgazer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Thank you, everyone for the virtual hugs & sympathy. I am just going to have to hope for the best & try to minimize any negative impact on my kids. I talked to my dad today and he let me know that she has seen pictures of all of us and she refers to me as "the short one." Which is true, but rather irritating because all my siblings are tall like my dad but I am short like my mom, and he let me know that as a former school superintendent and current public school principal she disapproves of homeschooling. Out of the 5 of us siblings 3 of us homeschool. I am not sure why those comments would be made and why my dad felt the need to tell me. My mom was not a collector of jewelry, but she did have shelves & shelves of books. The last time I was there I took a big box worth so that my kids could have a stack of special ones from Grammy. I took the ones she waited in line to get signed, or that I remember her reading to us as children or that she wrote something in, like where she bought it & why she liked it. Amber in SJ Oh, ugh. I'm the short one too but I would definitely be irritated by her calling me that. And the homeschooling thing, grrrrrr. Hugs 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Wow, she sounds awesome (sarcasm). I would probably avoid her for a long while, keep the kids away, and be cautious in general. I'm so sorry:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Your dad sure isn't smart about endearing you to her! :confused1: 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 This doesn't sound totally promising. A little Paul McCartney -like. Maybe you dad was trying to give you a heads-up that homeschooling might be a hotish topic? Anyway - I think the aspect of it being so soon is hard for kids after the death of a parent, but I've found that often men who do it are ones who had fairly happy marriages. It isn't really so much that they are easily getting over the loss of a spouse, but that they really appreciate how great being married can be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 (edited) Thank you, everyone for the virtual hugs & sympathy. I am just going to have to hope for the best & try to minimize any negative impact on my kids. I talked to my dad today and he let me know that she has seen pictures of all of us and she refers to me as "the short one." Which is true, but rather irritating because all my siblings are tall like my dad but I am short like my mom, and he let me know that as a former school superintendent and current public school principal she disapproves of homeschooling. Out of the 5 of us siblings 3 of us homeschool. I am not sure why those comments would be made and why my dad felt the need to tell me. My mom was not a collector of jewelry, but she did have shelves & shelves of books. The last time I was there I took a big box worth so that my kids could have a stack of special ones from Grammy. I took the ones she waited in line to get signed, or that I remember her reading to us as children or that she wrote something in, like where she bought it & why she liked it. Amber in SJ Yikes. "Well, Dad, I hope you remind her that I prefer to be called by my name. I don't answer to 'the short one.' As a professional educator, I'm sure she knows that different children thrive in different settings. I'm sure she wants to have a good relationship with us (just as we will hope to have the same with her). It would help greatly if she kept her mouth shut regarding homeschooling." OK, so you can't actually say the last part. Your dad sounds like he's really going the extra mile to stoke the good feelings about this, isn't he? I'm so very sorry, Amber. Edited March 24, 2017 by Reluctant Homeschooler 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 My dad did something similar after my mom died. He was retired and lonely, so I get that he wanted someone. What really tipped me over was when I met her she showed me her engagement ring and told me the diamond was from my mom's wedding set. That marriage lasted about 2-1/2 yrs. when she left my dad. I regret not trying to find her and buy her ring from her so I could have the diamond my mom had for 36 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 She's already insulting you and using him to do it? Oh no. Will he discuss a prenup? My great grandfather rushed to get married after GG died. It made him utterly miserable, but there was no talking him out of it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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