Kids want school. Help me feel better.

[enchantedhome]

Backstory:

 

DD (10) went to PS for 1 and 2nd grade. Was happy there but I felt we were supposed to be homeschooling, so we took her out and HS'ed her 3rd and are finishing her 4th grade years. My DS (8) went to Kinder, and we did his 1st and now 2nd at home. There have been times we all love homeschooling, and times it's been hard for me (I struggle with anxiety and depression at times). We live in a semi-rural area with no homeschoolers around. All the area kids go to our small local elementary school, which is a good one, as public schools go. We still have some friends from our time there whom we've kept in touch with. 

 

In our two years of hs, we haven't made very many hs friends. There is one co-op I know of, and it meets once a week on Fridays. It's families from our parish (we're catholic), and while that might provide some interactions, my kids are clambering to go to school.

 

Last night, my son (8) told me, "Mama, I'm feeling depressed. I don't have any friends." Broke my heart. And he's right. Acquaintances, yes. Plenty of friends to bounce of off on a regular basis, no. Both of my children are introverts, but they are expressing a need for more kids, friends, the social stuff. We live about 30 minutes from town, and the few hs'ers we know are running to activities every day to meet those social needs. It's not practical for me to do that, and the lack of it is apparently really weighing on my kids. I've prayed and prayed for more close friendships for them and us, and but it has not manifested. And both of them have experienced school and want to go back.

 

My fears are less about the educational aspects than the general issues they have not had to experience, being homeschooled: teasing, the cattiness of girls as they get older, any inkling (for my DD) that there is a world out there of "being fat" or "needing to go on a diet," "boyfriends." And honestly, things that are just counter to my faith. I can't keep them in a bubble forever, but I'd like to:) But they want out, want what they perceive as a world of fun social interaction. My DH is on board with sending them back, but he will not allow them to choose hs again: he's not ok with back and forth, into school and out of it. He feels that we moved to this area partly bc of the small, good school, and that they will have to learn sooner or later about the hard aspects of life. 

 

My mama heart really hurts: I want them to have great friends and be happy. I  have not been able in the two years we've homeschooled to find community for them, try as I might. We don't live in a hs-abundant area. I will miss having them here, but I want to honor their needs. And I worry about what might await them. FWIW, we will need to sign out of our charter school in a month or so, have our records sent, return supplies, and fill out paperwork at the school. Not happening today, but it's soon.

 

[Anne in CA]

This is hard, but it sounds like you work on making your home a loving and secure place for your kids to draw from when the outside world is mean. As far as you dd making friends, age 11 is extremely hard, if not the hardest age to be accepted in school. I have a friend who spent a lot of money to put her kids in a small Catholic school and the other 11yo girls in the school tormented her very sweet adorable dd. I was SICK for her. The school would not get involved. I would be prepared for your dd to (possibly) need to come home no matter what your DH might say. An 8yo boy will probably have a much easier time making friends. 

[That70'sLisa]

I am so sorry you're going through this.

 

We began in ps. Our own experience was that our children did NOT develop any real friendships. The days were too busy and too chaotic, and quite frankly, too long. Acquaintances, yes, but similar to your homeschooling situation, not deep friendships. My children went to a larger school, however, in a medium sized city.

 

That said, my children still suffer from a lack of good friendships now, and I am struggling similarly to the way you are now.  (I also cope with anxiety/ depression) I guess I would ask, are you somewhat certain that returning to school WOULD lead to more friendships, since that seems the primary reason to return?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[That70'sLisa]

This is hard, but it sounds like you work on making your home a loving and secure place for your kids to draw from when the outside world is mean. As far as you dd making friends, age 11 is extremely hard, if not the hardest age to be accepted in school. I have a friend who spent a lot of money to put her kids in a small Catholic school and the other 11yo girls in the school tormented her very sweet adorable dd. I was SICK for her. The school would not get involved. I would be prepared for your dd to (possibly) need to come home no matter what your DH might say. An 8yo boy will probably have a much easier time making friends. 

 

I drove a school bus for awhile with both public school and private school routes. It depends on whether your DD is already friendly with them, and of course on the specific school, but experienced the same with the small private Catholic school. The school was so small that it seemed you were either "in" or "out" with the "cool girls". Bullying seemed a much larger problem in the smaller private schools than in the larger private and public schools.

[enchantedhome]

My son has an ongoing friendship with a couple of boys he would see at school. My DD does not. She knows one boy, but not any of the girls, and I am hoping there might be at least a couple of other girls who are new, and a few others who are nice. She's a very sweet, even keeled kid. 

It's a small school: only 2 classes per grade, and parents are very involved/know each other. But I do fear the "new kid" issue for them, and I worry about the 10/11 year old girls in particular.

 

[regentrude]

I drove a school bus for awhile with both public school and private school routes. It depends on whether your DD is already friendly with them, and of course on the specific school, but experienced the same with the small private Catholic school. The school was so small that it seemed you were either "in" or "out" with the "cool girls". Bullying seemed a much larger problem in the smaller private schools than in the larger private and public schools.

 

I was naive and thought that homeschooling would prevent social issues like girl meanness and bullying. I was so wrong. The bullying and nastiness I observed among the homeschooled preteen/young teen girls in our group was absolutely horrible, and it was made much worse by the fact that the homeschooling mothers got involved as well.

 

[mommyoffive]

I was naive and thought that homeschooling would prevent social issues like girl meanness and bullying. I was so wrong. The bullying and nastiness I observed among the homeschooled preteen/young teen girls in our group was absolutely horrible, and it was made much worse by the fact that the homeschooling mothers got involved as well.

 

Wow that sounds awful.  I think it all depends on your area.  Our hs groups are not like that all.  

 

Does your school have a summer school term at all that they could enroll in to meet kids?  

 

Could you get her involved in groups or classes before school starts to get to know more kids?

Edited March 23, 2017 by mommyoffive

[regentrude]

Wow that sounds awful.  I think it all depends on your area.  Our hs groups are not like that all. 

 

I have found bullying among preteen girls prevalent and not limited to certain geographical areas.

[mommyoffive]

I have found bullying among preteen girls prevalent and not limited to certain geographical areas.

 

 

I agree, not so much on your area as in geographical, but more as the group itself.  I should have stated it better. 

[HSmomof2]

We've done private school, ps, and homeschooling. My dc are young teens now, and we haven't seen a problem with bullying and meanness in our homeschool community. Not everyone is best friends, but we're in three different homeschool groups in our area, and just haven't experienced or heard about any bullying or clique problems in these groups. Honestly, in our experience, the bullying/meanness was worst in the small private school.

 

Dc went back to school in 4th and 6th grades, mostly for social reasons. I, too, had prayed and prayed for friends. I understand the loneliness, and it stinks. We also have a very good, small neighborhood public school. Dd went in 4th grade, and she had a good experience there overall. She didn't make any close friends, just acquaintances. The kids were either in after school care or other activities, so didn't have time to get together after school. However, this nice elementary school then feeds into a much larger middle school where ds went. He wasn't bullied, but it was definitely an eye-opening experience. He also made acquaintances, but no close friends. Academically, it was pretty bad, too. Both dc asked to come back home after that year.

 

It's taken a lot of effort (and driving) on my part to get them to co-op, groups and activities where they're able to see the same kids often. I've also had to invite people over a lot. I also struggle with anxiety and am very shy, so it's hard for me to do that. It's also inconvenient, and I get tired of sitting around waiting for them. But, this is the lifestyle we've chosen, and them having friends is important, so it's what I'll do for this season of life. They both have a nice, small group of friends now (and I've made a couple good mom friends as well😊), but it's taken a lot of effort (and discomfort) on my part and the other parents, but has been worth it.

 

For op, if you're not ready to send them to school yet, I would definitely get involved with the co-op at your church. They would at least be able to see those kids twice/week--at co-op and on Sunday's. That would be a good start.

 

 

ETA: I think it's really hard today for anyone (adults and kids) to make close friends, regardless of the type of schooling they do. Everyone is so busy and overscheduled, there's rarely downtime for kids to just hang out together.

Edited March 23, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[Catwoman]

Most of the kids we know are in ps or private school, and their moms regularly complain that the kids have no "real" friends outside of organized activities, so I don't think this is exclusive to homeschoolers. Many parents are too busy to drive their kids to friends' houses for visits, and between homework, scheduled activities, and family responsibilities, there just isn't time for the kids to develop close friendships with the kids from school unless the kids all live in the same neighborhood -- and even then, there still isn't a lot of time to play together.

 

I would hate to see your kids imagining all the fun they'll have with their new school friends and end up disappointed, particularly if your dh is against the idea of bringing the kids back home if school doesn't work out for them.

[DawnM]

You have laid a solid foundation for them and honestly, I would be inclined to let them go to PS in the Fall and try it.  The worst that can happen is you pull them back out.

 

My kids are in PS now.  Middle is a Junior and started school as a 10th grader.  He is a bit shy and had a harder time making friends, but no one was mean to him or rude and he found his own way.  He joined the drama club and this year made the improv team and is starting to do improv theater and after-parties.  

 

7th grader, first year in PS and he made friends I think the minute he walked in the door.  He is my outgoing, and very mature for his age-kid.  He also has some hand and feet/toe deformities.  He can cover his toes, but he can't cover his fingers.....I was worried kids would make fun of him or make comments, but he says NO ONE has even said a word!  He is popular with the right kids, I have liked every single one of his kids he has brought home to hang out with.

[Catwoman]

You have laid a solid foundation for them and honestly, I would be inclined to let them go to PS in the Fall and try it. The worst that can happen is you pull them back out.

 

My kids are in PS now. Middle is a Junior and started school as a 10th grader. He is a bit shy and had a harder time making friends, but no one was mean to him or rude and he found his own way. He joined the drama club and this year made the improv team and is starting to do improv theater and after-parties.

 

7th grader, first year in PS and he made friends I think the minute he walked in the door. He is my outgoing, and very mature for his age-kid. He also has some hand and feet/toe deformities. He can cover his toes, but he can't cover his fingers.....I was worried kids would make fun of him or make comments, but he says NO ONE has even said a word! He is popular with the right kids, I have liked every single one of his kids he has brought home to hang out with.

I'd be more in favor of them giving school a try if her dh wasn't adamant that it has to be a permanent decision and that the kids can't come back home again if they don't like it.

 

Her dh's attitude is what is making me hesitate.

[DawnM]

I'd be more in favor of them giving school a try if her dh wasn't adamant that it has to be a permanent decision and that the kids can't come back home again if they don't like it.

 

Her dh's attitude is what is making me hesitate.

 

 

Oh, I am so sorry, I missed that part.

 

Never mind OP, I would need to think about it further.   WHY does he think that OP?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Why can't you drive 30 minutes to the nearest city? I live on the edge of a midwestern city. Everybody drives half an hour to everything.

 

We never had luck with homeschool groups, although your church group sounds like a possibility worth investigating...we've done better with activities and organizations that are for everybody. The best outcomes (making friends, spending time in a worthwhile manner) have come from music groups, sports such as taekwondo and rec league baseball, and Civil Air Patrol. We also spent a few years hanging around the YMCA.

 

I wouldn't send the children to school for socialization if it was a one-way trip; that's putting way too much trust in the friendliness of small children and in the anti-bullying policies of the school! Also, school is for learning -- if they are learning well at home, in the elementary years their learning is more important than their social life. That's just my opinion; I think the curriculum, the testing culture, etc. are too damaging for children, even in "good" schools.

 

Definitely get out there and make those connections, if you can. Children do need other people in their world. But this move to school, just for friends, sounds very risky to me.

[AimeeM]

Can you compromise with your DH regarding this one more time? I absolutely understand him not wanting them to go back and forth, but I think it's all worth one more "go." 

 

ETA: the cattiness and bullying in our homeschool groups didn't start until the kids reached the preteen years. At that point, it was every bit as bad as the brick and mortar experiences we'd had, regarding teasing, etc. Those hormones do a number to seemingly otherwise nice children. 

[ktgrok]

Why don't you join the church co-op?

[DawnM]

Can you compromise with your DH regarding this one more time? I absolutely understand him not wanting them to go back and forth, but I think it's all worth one more "go." 

 

ETA: the cattiness and bullying in our homeschool groups didn't start until the kids reached the preteen years. At that point, it was every bit as bad as the brick and mortar experiences we'd had, regarding teasing, etc. Those hormones do a number to seemingly otherwise nice children. 

 

 

We didn't have too much of the bullying, although there was some, but the CLIQUES!  Holy cow!  And the MOTHERS were often worse than the kids.

 

It was nuts.

 

In fact, the kids are treated better in PS than they were by *some of*  the HS kids when we left.

[mom2scouts]

I've had kids who were always public schooled and I now have kids who are homeschooled. Very few real friendships were formed in public school or at homeschool events. All of my kids made their real friends at outside or extracurricular activities like sports, band, Scouts or youth group. It needs to be something that is long term and consistent.

[Anne in CA]

We didn't have too much of the bullying, although there was some, but the CLIQUES!  Holy cow!  And the MOTHERS were often worse than the kids.

 

It was nuts.

 

In fact, the kids are treated better in PS than they were by *some of*  the HS kids when we left.

Do not even get me started on the cliques of the mothers. Some of these dingbats felt that they were the holiness clique. They were holy, their kids were holy... Yuck, Yuck, Yuck. It wasn't until after I left this grody group that I learned about Doug Wilson and much of their behavior fell into place. 

[shawthorne44]

I have noticed the mothers being cliquey.  It is really sad and brings back my trauma from my own P.S. childhood.   The kids are great, at least at the early elementary age.    My DD is both outgoing and nice and the other kids seem to like her, which warms my mommy-heart.   But, when the moms would rather hang out with this same people.  

[TravelingChris]

I would not put children back in school for social purposes.  I would find social outlets out there even if further away.  We did have good success with homeschool groups.  Did my kids always make great friends there?  No but my one child doesn't make friends easily anywhere.  The other two made friends usually and if not in the homeschool group necessarily than in Scouting or Church.  All the kids are still connected to their homeschool friends at least in some degree like facebook.  One has a friend he made over ten years ago in homeschooling overseas who has stayed at our house a few times and that child has stayed at his grandparent's house too.  Even the child who had problems making friends would be happily welcomed in a number of homes today where that child was homeschooled in the latter half of her high school.

[enchantedhome]

My DH isn't willing to compromise on the "no back and forth" thing. He believes it's hard on the kids, and also leaves a bad taste in the mouth of the school and other parents. This is a really small community, and our taking them out to homeschool already raised eyebrows.

My kids aren't that thrilled on the co-op idea. They are just really set on going back to school.

My issues is figuring out how to think about all of this for myself, ways to feel ok that this decision is being made when it's not what I thought we'd be doing. 

[HSmomof2]

My DH isn't willing to compromise on the "no back and forth" thing. He believes it's hard on the kids, and also leaves a bad taste in the mouth of the school and other parents. This is a really small community, and our taking them out to homeschool already raised eyebrows.

My kids aren't that thrilled on the co-op idea. They are just really set on going back to school.

My issues is figuring out how to think about all of this for myself, ways to feel ok that this decision is being made when it's not what I thought we'd be doing.

It sounds like your dh and kids think school is best. And in a small community, it very well could be. From the op, it doesn't sound like they had a bad experience in this school. In that case, I'd let them go to school. They're still in elementary school, so you should have lots of opportunities to get involved at the school and get to know the teachers and some other families. 🙂

[displace]

I do not have great advice for you but I know the struggle making the decision that's best for everyone, as well as meeting everyone's needs. I try to have DS get more social opportunities but unless we did something daily it probably wouldn't be enough. As it is, our play dates rotate with different kids and it's hard to connect with the same people often.

 

School is not really great for playtime, but kids think it is. But also a lot of homeschool activities can be a revolving door with various kids. I agree that a lot of afterschool activities can be better for longer term friendships (like scouts).

[Susan in TX]

I think that you really need to examine why you chose to homeschool in the first place. If those reasons are still valid, then I would continue to homeschool. If things have somehow changed, or those reasons were not valid, then put them back in school. But I would not let lack of friends be the sole reason for returning to school. I also wouldn't put my elementary age kids in school just because that's what they wanted.

 

Susan in TX