Janie Grace Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 (edited) n/m Edited March 18, 2017 by Janie Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 How old is the boy? My first inclination is to say, "nothing has happened yet, I would just wait and wouldn't do anything." In my previous district, there were some teachers who dated students, around the same ages as you are describing, 18 and 28. It was frowned on, but not illegal, and the district didn't/couldn't do anything about it. I know other places have different rules, but legally, if someone over 18 has sex, it is legal. It may be against district policy (and you would need to find out) but it is not illegal. Please don't think I condone it just because I am saying this, but there may not be anything you can actually do, and it may make it worse to get involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 How old is the boy? My first inclination is to say, "nothing has happened yet, I would just wait and wouldn't do anything." In my previous district, there were some teachers who dated students, around the same ages as you are describing, 18 and 28. It was frowned on, but not illegal, and the district didn't/couldn't do anything about it. I know other places have different rules, but legally, if someone over 18 has sex, it is legal. It may be against district policy (and you would need to find out) but it is not illegal. Please don't think I condone it just because I am saying this, but there may not be anything you can actually do, and it may make it worse to get involved. He's at least 18, maybe 19. A second-sememester senior who repeated a grade. I don't know what the school policies are. It's a private Christian college prep school. My hunch is that they would NOT be jazzed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 I guess even apart from the boy issue, I am wondering if others would be okay with their 17/18yo hanging out with a teacher socially. It's foreign to me, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. It just feels... weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Doesn't matter if the kid is 18, by virtue of one being in authority, not cool. Yes, and most public school systems will have a rule against this, regardless of whether or not the student is an adult. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 All you can do in the immediate future is prevent your DD from being a part of it. So, no going out tonight. Students should not go to teacher's houses, period, male or female. At the very least, the kids on the track team not invited will feel left out. This hurts the team as a whole. I tend to be a busy body, and I would be calling the mom of the teen boy. But, that's just me. I work in an ER and see the worst of the worst. I realize it takes a village yadda, yadda. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 (edited) NO. Teacher has bad boundaries. she is a bad role model for a teen girl who developing ideas about healthy relationships. I say this as a liberal member of this Board. I would not let her got to the teacher's house to hang out. Frame it as protecting the teacher's career. One accusation and it is over. I would confidentially go speak with an administrator about this. Edited March 18, 2017 by NorthwestMom 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 If a teacher is going to socialize with students, it should be in a public place, not in their own home. Doing so puts both student and teacher at risk. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
That70'sLisa Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 (edited) As a former teacher, agree teacher has very bad boundaries. And regardless of age, many states have laws against teacher/ student (romantic) relationships. Depending on all factors, I'd either discreetly bring it up to admin. or if I thought teacher receptive, directly with the teacher. i.e. " Just the appearance of impropriety could jeopardize your job, your reputation. I'd hate for that to happen to you, etc." If it were my daughter, I'd at least limit the socializing to public places. Definitely no going over teacher's house. ETA: Personally, I would not be at all comfortable with my (theoretical) teen daughter hanging out socially with a teacher. Not at all. Edited March 18, 2017 by LisLisaKG75 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 If the boy is 19 and this woman is not *his* coach, then I think it is OK for them to be friends and see each other. The extent may depend on her employee handbook or whatever governs her rights in relation to students. I would hope nothing intense would happen before he graduates, and that she follows the rules / laws to the letter. After he graduates in a couple months, IMO anything goes. Not my idea of an ideal relationship, but not illegal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I say it is inappropriate boundaries at the least. The age difference is one thing, but the power/authority dynamic is an even greater issue, imo. Even at my college, our professors keep fairly strict boundaries more because of the authority issue in some cases. Once graduated, it's different, but while a student, there should be boundaries in place. For your dd, I can see how it is fun. For the teacher, is show immaturity at least, poor judgment perhaps, and I'd be curious what guidelines a small Christian high school has in place about such relationships. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 (edited) It isn't illegal. But I do think there is an ethical issue. She is in a position of authority in the school so there is a power imbalance, and he is young enough to not have much life experience to help him navigate it. The age range of nine years at this stage of life can exacerbate things. This teacher needs some perspective and better boundaries. That said, when dh wss a high school senior the accompanist for the choir, also a senior, began dating the choir director who was 22 and fresh out of college. They ended up married two years later. I think that dating her before she graduated was not appropriate bur in terms of devlopment the difference was not so big. Edited March 18, 2017 by FaithManor 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 (edited) editing since you don't want to be quoted To be honest, my first thought reading through your post (before I got far) was whether she was "interested" in your daughter / her girl friends. That would of course be problematic as she is your daughter's coach and your daughter is a minor. I tend to think the boundaries are off, because she is a coach. They should get together at a public place if they must socialize. So it would feel funny to me too, if she kept doing the "come to my house" thing. Not sure what I would do about that. 17 is pretty old to be told whom a girl can visit. I might just ask, "don't you think it is odd for a teacher or coach to invite you to her house? Why not meet in a public place?" I did have a female friend far older than me at that age - she was interested in my brother, but mostly was immature (had a mental health history). It was a true and innocent friendship though. We used to go for long walks and to her house and chat about everything. She eventually married her boyfriend and moved away, so pretty normal situation, but others might have wondered about it. Edited March 18, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 Thanks for the perspective. I'll be speaking with dd and maybe the teacher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 (edited) Considering another recent thread, I hope that teacher has read every fine line in her contract. I wonder if the invitations to her home are a way to avoid being seen socializing with others in public. Poor boundaries, poor judgment, poor example. Do universities teach ethics/student relations/that sort of thing? (ETA I mean as part of the studies of those seeking teaching degrees) Edited March 18, 2017 by Seasider 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Both dh and I grew up in an era when we would go camping and hiking and movies etc. with our teachers. There was never anything inappropriate and no one ever had a problem because of the power differential. They were excellent mentors. I understand why schools and organizations have these rules but I am sad that these rules have blocked some really good mentoring opportunities. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 That just seems icky. The coach can be an older sister/mentor figure (even that can be pushing boundaries), but she shouldn't be going to those girls for advice or support. I can see asking for prayers for her mom since it's a Christian school, but beyond that seems to be too much. And it's one thing for the coach to host activities for the whole team at her house, hosting one or two girls and their boyfriends is something else entirely. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I know other places have different rules, but legally, if someone over 18 has sex, it is legal. It may be against district policy (and you would need to find out) but it is not illegal. Some states do have laws that make it illegal. Texas has an "inappropriate relationship" law that covers sexual relationships between high school students (even those over the age of consent) and employees of the school district in which they are enrolled. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Yes, and most public school systems will have a rule against this, regardless of whether or not the student is an adult. My dc's small private school also has rules against this; it's not just a public school thing. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Both dh and I grew up in an era when we would go camping and hiking and movies etc. with our teachers. There was never anything inappropriate and no one ever had a problem because of the power differential. They were excellent mentors. I understand why schools and organizations have these rules but I am sad that these rules have blocked some really good mentoring opportunities. But I am fairly certain the mentoring you received was real mentoring. Not just hanging loose and then sharing personal information like marriage and family planning details, etc. There is a difference. I have been the band director out on Saturday night's for pizza with the kids after solo and ensemble,and relating appropriate stories of my music experiences in college. I did not sit around watching the super bowl and talking about the terrible person I dated freshman year. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 We are currently having an Amber Alert for a 15 year old girl who is with her 50 something year old teacher. I understand that these students are older- thiese actoion s look bad and can lead to very bad things. Usually with the females, it is very immature women versus the more predatory nature of the men who do these kinds of things. Many states, including mine, disallow any personal relationship between teachers and their students even if the student is an adult. The power balance is off and no, I wouldn't want my 17 yo daughter going to socialize in a small group at the coach's house. I see this as very different than an end of season party for the team or something like that. When I have seen those, they are held in public places to stop any problems that can arise from a house party. I can't see that a private Christian school would be any happier with this type of behavior than a public school. Both would be alarmed, I think. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 But I am fairly certain the mentoring you received was real mentoring. Not just hanging loose and then sharing personal information like marriage and family planning details, etc. There is a difference. I have been the band director out on Saturday night's for pizza with the kids after solo and ensemble,and relating appropriate stories of my music experiences in college. I did not sit around watching the super bowl and talking about the terrible person I dated freshman year. True. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 True. ETA: dh and I still have relationships with those teachers but we still can't call them by their first names! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Both dh and I grew up in an era when we would go camping and hiking and movies etc. with our teachers. There was never anything inappropriate and no one ever had a problem because of the power differential. They were excellent mentors. I understand why schools and organizations have these rules but I am sad that these rules have blocked some really good mentoring opportunities. I was lucky enough to experience this too at my private school, but sometime between now and I then I think many teachers lost complete sense of personal boundaries, or hell, any sense at all. I often wonder what exactly happened. It was before social media, so it can't all be thrown under that bus. I'm sure the Lolita theme is as old as the hills and these problems have always existed to an extent, but now what sickens me even more is it's WOMEN more and more often who seem to have no clue as to what appropriate boundaries are. Texas has had a slew of the cases and it seems to be 3-1 this problem with female teachers over male teachers. Maybe because there are more in the profession.... I don't get it. It's really sad, because a few reckless people have wrecked so many opportunities as you mention, over something that seems to require only minimal common sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 We are currently having an Amber Alert for a 15 year old girl who is with her 50 something year old teacher. I understand that these students are older- thiese actoion s look bad and can lead to very bad things. Usually with the females, it is very immature women versus the more predatory nature of the men who do these kinds of things. Many states, including mine, disallow any personal relationship between teachers and their students even if the student is an adult. The power balance is off and no, I wouldn't want my 17 yo daughter going to socialize in a small group at the coach's house. I see this as very different than an end of season party for the team or something like that. When I have seen those, they are held in public places to stop any problems that can arise from a house party. I can't see that a private Christian school would be any happier with this type of behavior than a public school. Both would be alarmed, I think. Oh no...as I was reading this, it came on the national news. News says he kidnapped her. His wife pleaded with him..."this is not you. Let us help you work thru this" This is sickening. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 In the case of the 50yo teacher, I wonder if he has dementia if his wife is sure this is not him... Or maybe he has always been a sickko waiting for a chance. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Here's an article about the Amber Alert for the 15yo girl: http://abcnews.go.com/US/tennessee-authorities-hunting-teacher-accused-kidnapping-15-year/story?id=46222662 It sounds like the trail has gone cold, so they issued a second Amber Alert for her. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 In the case of the 50yo teacher, I wonder if he has dementia if his wife is sure this is not him... Or maybe he has always been a sickko waiting for a chance. I vote sicko. I hope they find that poor girl. Her family must be terrified. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 In the case of the 50yo teacher, I wonder if he has dementia if his wife is sure this is not him... Or maybe he has always been a sickko waiting for a chance. I was hoping the law enforcement gave her a script and told her what to say that would be the safest and most likely to get him to turn himself in. Because, what she said was...sickening. Almost like she's already excused what he's done. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 One of my students years ago seemed to be headed in a nonoptimal direction socially. At the same time she and her mom were not talking. So, I met her at the mall. We ate lunch and talked about colleges and how to keep focus. I did not invite her to my apartment. I didn't talk about stuff the way I would a good friend. At the time I was 24 and she was almost 18 (but a junior--repeated a grade in early elementary). Six years isn't so much when you are in your fifties. But at 18-24 six years is huge. Plus, I had a position of authority. There are appropriate ways a teacher can socialize with a student. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I was hoping the law enforcement gave her a script and told her what to say that would be the safest and most likely to get him to turn himself in. Because, what she said was...sickening. Almost like she's already excused what he's done. I was thinking the same thing -- that his wife said whatever the police advised her to say, in the hope that he won't hurt that poor girl. She probably wanted to say that if she ever saw him again, she'd do everything she could to make sure he rotted in prison for being such a disgusting pervert. At least that's what I hope she wanted to say. It would be sickening if the wife really wanted to "work through this" with him. That girl is only 15 years old! Who could ever forgive that? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 I was hoping the law enforcement gave her a script and told her what to say that would be the safest and most likely to get him to turn himself in. Because, what she said was...sickening. Almost like she's already excused what he's done. I think this is a very possible scenario. Say what needs to be said to save the child. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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