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The Friend Thing - commiserate with me.


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What's with the ads?

#51 Sadie

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 06:13 PM

Try the Unitarians. Ours is not a religious group, really a social justice club.

 

We don't have any UU youth groups where I live. Or churches. Sadly.


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#52 emba56

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Posted 25 March 2017 - 11:09 AM

If it helps any, about that age my friend group disintegrated, and I spent a lot of Jr. high in public school very alone and absolutely miserable.  Sometimes it's just a tough age.


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#53 eternalsummer

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Posted 26 March 2017 - 03:10 AM

I was lonely and miserablish in jr high too, but this seems different (in DD's case).  She is genuinely grieving the loss of something that was in many ways quite wonderful.  I would say the grief is 50% less than it was in the first few weeks (back around Thanksgiving) but it is still very very present.  I am hoping that when we get established in our new community she will be able to make some friends or at least acquaintances and feel less grief.

 

It doesn't help that it's a hard time in life anyway, though.  The younger kids are not having much trouble with it at all - but their friendships in our old community were less serious too, I think, largely because they were homeschooled (or too young for school).  

 

I dunno, I'm just feeling sorry for DD again tonight as she is feeling sad.

 

Sadie, how is your boy?  Has soccer started yet?


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#54 Sadie

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Posted 26 March 2017 - 03:19 AM

I was lonely and miserablish in jr high too, but this seems different (in DD's case).  She is genuinely grieving the loss of something that was in many ways quite wonderful.  I would say the grief is 50% less than it was in the first few weeks (back around Thanksgiving) but it is still very very present.  I am hoping that when we get established in our new community she will be able to make some friends or at least acquaintances and feel less grief.

 

It doesn't help that it's a hard time in life anyway, though.  The younger kids are not having much trouble with it at all - but their friendships in our old community were less serious too, I think, largely because they were homeschooled (or too young for school).  

 

I dunno, I'm just feeling sorry for DD again tonight as she is feeling sad.

 

Sadie, how is your boy?  Has soccer started yet?

 

Soccer training keeps getting rained out! 

 

He is a bit better this last week. I made more of an effort to get out and about with him, and spend time doing stuff, kwim ? So his mood is better. 

 

I really have my fingers crossed for a friend or two for your girl. 


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#55 eternalsummer

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Posted 26 March 2017 - 03:29 AM

Ugh, I thought Australia was supposed to be sunny and dry?  

 

I have noticed that DD does better on days where we do something fun together and she has less time to dwell.  I am also not sure if our current choice of audiobook (Count of Monte Cristo) was a great idea, as it is not exactly an uplifting read/listen so far.  On the other hand, she does occasionally note that at least she doesn't have as bad a time as Dantes...

 

We have started a new sport, too - she saw her little sister at gymnastics class and looked so winsome that I offered to sign her up with the older beginners.  That has been a huge hit but they are on spring break this week so no class.

 

 


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#56 fourisenough

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Posted 27 March 2017 - 09:12 AM

I do commiserate with you (having experienced lonely periods without a friend), but I will say the opposite (well, perhaps not exactly opposite but certainly a different problem) is plaguing us lately. DD12 has a friend two houses down the block. This girl is about 9 months older and sooooo much more worldly than my DD. I overheard her telling DDs 12 & 7 that "having fat removed from your mid-section and injected into your butts and boobs will make you sexier", and then she went on to explain some 'new' technique to give yourself a tattoo by dipping a sterilized needle into ink and sticking it into your skin.

My girls are learning about cosmetic surgery and jailhouse tattoos from a 'friend'. Agghhhh...someone, please tell me this isn't happening! It's so hard to keep this girl out of our lives as she is on sports teams with my daughter, goes to the neighborhood pool we do, and is always outside/around. So while my heart goes out to your son, right now I'm thinking I would prefer no friends to a toxic one!
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#57 Sadie

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Posted 27 March 2017 - 07:04 PM

I do commiserate with you (having experienced lonely periods without a friend), but I will say the opposite (well, perhaps not exactly opposite but certainly a different problem) is plaguing us lately. DD12 has a friend two houses down the block. This girl is about 9 months older and sooooo much more worldly than my DD. I overheard her telling DDs 12 & 7 that "having fat removed from your mid-section and injected into your butts and boobs will make you sexier", and then she went on to explain some 'new' technique to give yourself a tattoo by dipping a sterilized needle into ink and sticking it into your skin.

My girls are learning about cosmetic surgery and jailhouse tattoos from a 'friend'. Agghhhh...someone, please tell me this isn't happening! It's so hard to keep this girl out of our lives as she is on sports teams with my daughter, goes to the neighborhood pool we do, and is always outside/around. So while my heart goes out to your son, right now I'm thinking I would prefer no friends to a toxic one!

 It is true that there is no peer pressure when there are no peers! Silver lining and all that :)

 

I hate hearing little girls talking about cosmetic surgery. Ugh, They shouldn't even have a clue.


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#58 bibiche

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Posted 27 March 2017 - 07:40 PM

TWTM T(w)een social group, anyone? Of course, IRL friends would be better, but maybe as a stop gap?
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#59 eternalsummer

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 12:44 AM

DD had a friend (made from when she was in PS) who would come over to our house with magazines about body image and becoming a woman (getting your period) and etc.

 

She was 7 years old.  !

 

I dunno if DD would go for an online social group.  Possibly.  She is very resistant to my making friends for her.  She had a hard day today as it was the birthday of one of her friends from our old city; the three of them (the friends) went out to a movie together and called DD from the sleepover afterward.  She loved talking to them but of course it was also very hard and made for a good deal of serious weeping.

 

Ugh, we just need to meet some new kids already.


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#60 Jean in Newcastle

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 01:07 AM

Ds had pretty much all online friends at that age. It wasn't ideal but it wasn't the worst thing either. These young people spent hours discussing books, music, philosophy, and pretty much everything. The core group is older now and doesn't have as much time because of college and work, but they still discuss everything when they have time . In between discussions, they game.

Ds did have real life acquaintances during that time but he didn't connect with them in the same way as he did his online friends.

(I got to know a number of these young people too. A few of them have chosen to join me for teen Bible classes through Skype. )


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#61 SparklyUnicorn

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 08:02 AM

Ds had pretty much all online friends at that age. It wasn't ideal but it wasn't the worst thing either. These young people spent hours discussing books, music, philosophy, and pretty much everything. The core group is older now and doesn't have as much time because of college and work, but they still discuss everything when they have time . In between discussions, they game.

Ds did have real life acquaintances during that time but he didn't connect with them in the same way as he did his online friends.

(I got to know a number of these young people too. A few of them have chosen to join me for teen Bible classes through Skype. )


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similar situation for my kid



#62 lisabees

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 08:21 AM

Ds had pretty much all online friends at that age. It wasn't ideal but it wasn't the worst thing either. These young people spent hours discussing books, music, philosophy, and pretty much everything. The core group is older now and doesn't have as much time because of college and work, but they still discuss everything when they have time . In between discussions, they game.

Ds did have real life acquaintances during that time but he didn't connect with them in the same way as he did his online friends.

(I got to know a number of these young people too. A few of them have chosen to join me for teen Bible classes through Skype. )


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

DD has some good friends online, too.  There are girls at the barn, but none she socializes with outside of the barn.

 

On weekend nights, she calls herself a loser because she has no friends with whom to go out.  It breaks my heart.  She is lonely.



#63 8circles

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 08:25 AM

Sadie, I haven't chimed in yet (I don't think, I may have posted something weeks ago in a stupor lol) but I can commiserate.  We've been going through friend/lack of friend drama here off & on this year.

 

It isn't our only issue, but it is there & is significant. We may end up with one kid in public school ASAP & all 4 kids in public school next year. & then we'll have a whole new set of problems.

 

Ugh. Sometimes the only thing I can tell myself is, "people suck".


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#64 SparklyUnicorn

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 06:08 AM

DD has some good friends online, too.  There are girls at the barn, but none she socializes with outside of the barn.

 

On weekend nights, she calls herself a loser because she has no friends with whom to go out.  It breaks my heart.  She is lonely.

 

I had nowhere to go most weekend nights as a teen.  I mean where was I going to go?  No money, no transportation, parents who wouldn't bring me anywhere, a few friends, but they were in a similar boat.

 

I bet there are a lot more like her than not like her.  Not that that is any consolation to her now.


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#65 lisabees

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 07:04 AM

I had nowhere to go most weekend nights as a teen.  I mean where was I going to go?  No money, no transportation, parents who wouldn't bring me anywhere, a few friends, but they were in a similar boat.

 

I bet there are a lot more like her than not like her.  Not that that is any consolation to her now.

 

Thanks Sparkly.  I think the worst part is the story she tells herself, which feeds an already low self esteem.  I just want my girl to be strong.


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#66 eternalsummer

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 11:30 PM

The stories they tell themselves are sad, and often frustrating because we as adults know they're inaccurate!  But it hard to convince a preteen/teenager that your perspective is the correct one :)


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#67 eternalsummer

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Posted 13 April 2017 - 07:41 PM

Howzit these days, Sadie?  DD11 is doing better.  I think part of it might very well have been S.A.D.



#68 Sadie

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Posted 14 April 2017 - 12:56 AM

Howzit these days, Sadie?  DD11 is doing better.  I think part of it might very well have been S.A.D.

 

Ds is also doing better b/c soccer season is underway. Glad your dd is feeling a bit brighter!


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#69 LLMom

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Posted 16 April 2017 - 12:15 PM

I have been on both sides of this issue. I homeschooled my 2 oldest all the way through. Both had few friends and now as young adults say they were too lonely and socially awkward because they didn't know all of the obnoxious stuff kids say ( mostly obscene words for anatomy). My next few kids I homeschooled through 8th grade. They went to private school, made a lot of friends, but dealt with a lot of stupid issues like body image, cool clothes, phones, etc. it was a struggle because we couldn't afford a lot of the stuff they wanted. My 5th and 6 th child are going to public high school after being homeschooled and private school. They are experiencing the same thing as my children that went through private high school, but they have lots of friends and are socially happy. My youngest is in 6 th grade, and I am homeschooling her. She is dyslexic and needs to be homeschooled. She tried school this year because she was lonely. It solved that problem, but it was way too hard and stressful academically that she came home after a semester. I can tell she misses her friends, and she has no siblings at home during the day to do anything with. It is a hard balance, and I am not sure if/which one is better.

#70 swellmomma

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Posted 16 April 2017 - 12:31 PM

Meh I went to ps my whole life, I had no friends and was lonely while in a room full of students. As an adult, I still have no friends and sometimes feel lonely but mostly I just have a low threshold for the work it takes to maintain a friendship. I have too much going on in my life to care.

My oldest 2went to ps for K-2 and K-1 respectively. Then homeschooled and this an alternative high school. No matter the education setting dd17 made friends, ds18 did not. He is weird, people notice so no friends and I am sure lonely at times but his education setting had no bearing on that.

Youngest 2 ds13 only lasted 6 weeks in ps. No friends before, during or after. He does get lonely. But he acts inappropriately which makes people wary of him. Schooling had no impact on that, it is his adhd. Youngest is in ps this year. She is my social butterfly. I thought she would enjoy it for that reason. Instead she loves the schoolwork and the teachers and merely tolerates the students. She made 2good friends both boys. She is friendly to everyone and welcoming BUT as she tells me everynigjt. She is done with small female humans. She has no interest in the mean girl bs that has already started. She has no intentions to change who she is to fit in some heirarchy in the class. And one of the main ring leaders and her have it out often for that reason. Dd will not cowtow to her and the boys this girl likes prefer to be with my dd (they are in 3rd grade for petesake, it's ridiculous). So dd is asking to return to hsing. She says she will miss playing with these 2 boys everyday but she is tired of being stuck in the same class for ever more with the same kids (it is a small k-12 school, who is in your class now you are with till graduation).

All that to say if your child is socially invlined they will makke friends no matter where they school, whether in the neighborhood, at extracurrics or whatever. If they are not, or if they laack the social where-with-all. They woon't, even while in a setting filled with others. So don't use that as your reason or gauge to choose ps over hs.
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#71 eternalsummer

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Posted 16 April 2017 - 03:02 PM

[...]
All that to say if your child is socially invlined they will makke friends no matter where they school, whether in the neighborhood, at extracurrics or whatever. If they are not, or if they laack the social where-with-all. They woon't, even while in a setting filled with others. So don't use that as your reason or gauge to choose ps over hs.

 

DD is not particularly outgoing; it takes her a long time of constant contact with the same people to make friends.  B&M school fills this criteria and homeschooling does not.

 

We homeschool for other reasons, but the lack of regular social interaction with same-age peers and thus, for her, the lack of friends, is a serious drawback.


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#72 Farrar

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Posted 16 April 2017 - 05:10 PM

And now some of my boys' best friends may be moving to Australia! Boohoo. I wish I could send them to you, Sadie. The almost 13 yo is not much on soccer, unfortunately though. Oh, and more importantly, if they move, it's to Adelaide.

 

I have been noticing how our friend group is changing a little. I'm worried that all the "we're in it for the long haul" people will bow out though. We know a bunch of kids starting high school next year though, so I guess that'll be the first test.

 

 



#73 Sadie

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 12:28 AM

And now some of my boys' best friends may be moving to Australia! Boohoo. I wish I could send them to you, Sadie. The almost 13 yo is not much on soccer, unfortunately though. Oh, and more importantly, if they move, it's to Adelaide.

 

I have been noticing how our friend group is changing a little. I'm worried that all the "we're in it for the long haul" people will bow out though. We know a bunch of kids starting high school next year though, so I guess that'll be the first test.

 

Aw, sorry to hear that, Farrar. 

 

Yes, Adelaide is a bit far away!

 

Fingers crossed that your group stays cohesive otherwise!



#74 Farrar

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 09:13 AM

Aw, sorry to hear that, Farrar. 

 

Yes, Adelaide is a bit far away!

 

Fingers crossed that your group stays cohesive otherwise!

 

And she's definitely moving.  :crying:

 

I guess we have to visit Australia.

 

I turned to the other mom who has also been in this little co-op since the start, when our kids were 5 and was like, what will we do? And she was like, Farrar, even if it's just us, I'm coming to your house on Mondays and we're calling it co-op. Whew.

 

Everyone should have friends this good in homeschooling. It makes me sad that a lot of y'all don't - that they aren't out there for everyone everywhere. :(


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#75 Runningmom80

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 07:55 PM

And she's definitely moving. :crying:

I guess we have to visit Australia.

I turned to the other mom who has also been in this little co-op since the start, when our kids were 5 and was like, what will we do? And she was like, Farrar, even if it's just us, I'm coming to your house on Mondays and we're calling it co-op. Whew.

Everyone should have friends this good in homeschooling. It makes me sad that a lot of y'all don't - that they aren't out there for everyone everywhere. :(


I wish I did! There's still time.

My ds made a friend this year at his after school program but then the friend got sick of him so we are back at square one. :(
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