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"Reading Makes Me Sad" and "I'm Not Smart" :-(


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How do you deal with self-esteem issues in a child with LD's? I tried the whole "your brain is like a muscle" thing but I don't think she's buying it :(

 

What is particularly heartbreaking for me is that her underlying non-verbal IQ is in the gifted range. It's the language-based LD's plus the physical disability that are preventing her from reaching that potential. She's not just trying to dance backwards & in high heels but also with earplugs distorting the music. :( :( :(

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:grouphug: 

 

I'm sorry, this is so hard. We went through something similar with my DD, who tends to beat herself up for every wrong answer, or anything she has a hard time understanding.

 

But for your DD, have you shown her the IQ scores? That's actual concrete evidence of her giftedness, which she won't be able to deny.

 

I've told DD (when explaining her ADHD) that her brain works in amazing ways, some of them different from most, which gives her some gifts, but also some issues we're working through together and will be able to overcome...Everyone has different talents and challenges, and everyone's job is to work through our challenges so that they don't get in the way of our gifts. I know that sounds simplistic, but it really did seem to help. And showing how much she's learned over the years is also so important. "I know you're struggling with this story, but look at the words you were struggling with last year, and how well you can read them now! XXX years ago you couldn't communicate or understand what I was saying, people might have thought it was a weakness, but you've been pushing through it and now look!" It really is reassuring for a kid to understand how much they've grown.

Edited by nature girl
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When DS was first pulled from public school, he felt stupid. He was quite young and I was his only source of academic feedback after that, and it took a few months before he stopped saying that, longer to believe me. We did read a few books on LD (the adventures of everyday geniuses series are excellent).

 

I also spent time coming up with an analogy. I described that public school was where they taught kittens to be cats. But homeschool was where I was going to teach him to be a lion. They are both felines but have different skills.

 

I forget how old your DD is, but books written by other people are helpful vs "mom said it". Is she getting negative feedback or a lot of external academic awareness? Also books about brain growth and learning new skills may be helpful, even movies about LD, or video clips from Dyslexic Advantage you tube channel. Her learning about her disability may be the best thing to understand why she's is different, but not stupid. I also spend a lot of time with personal stories of subjects that I had to study hard at.

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But for your DD, have you shown her the IQ scores? That's actual concrete evidence of her giftedness, which she won't be able to deny.

 

She wouldn't understand them. Even if I tried showing her using a bell curve or whatever it would be too abstract a concept at this point.

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 Is she getting negative feedback or a lot of external academic awareness? 

 

I think she is starting to pick up on the fact that most of the kids her age are fluent readers and reading Magic Treehouse type books or even harder ones while she's still learning to read. She is making progress and adjusted for her functional age equivalent she's doing ok. But the whole notion of her functional age being different from her chronological age is not something that she understands.

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If test scores are too abstract, could you say something like, "Actually your doctor said you are very smart. I know you are too."

 

Is she able to verbalize more--can you ask her why reading makes her sad? Maybe you can empathize. "Things that are hard sometimes make me sad too." Can you share a bit about something that was really hard for you when you were a kid, and let her know that eventually reading isn't going to be this hard for her and will be more fun?

 

Is there any adult in your family who struggled with reading and overcame the struggle that she might look up to?

 

 

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Big hugs. 

 

I'm willing to bet you are doing all the stuff that'll support your dd's self esteem - focusing on the positive, progress, talking about how everyone has differences and their own set of strengths/challenges, etc. 

 

But two thoughts: 

 

1. I've found as my DS has gotten older that it does help to acknowledge...yeah, this is rotten.  You got a bad deal on this one. I wish it weren't so.  Sometimes calling it as it is...maybe even with the not nice words (the allowable ones in your house - we allow an occasional 'crap' or 'sucks')... helps my DS feel not so alone - or at least, more understood, it seems.  Because anger/frustration/grief is appropriate, sometimes. Usually by the time the session is over, he is saying he can beat it.  He's stronger, smarter, and more determined than the "reading dragon" that is dyslexia. So maybe your DD is voicing some pretty healthy fears/frustration/anger.  And rather than re-direct her to positive aspects, you can stay there with her in the sadness, for a little while, anyways.  

 

2. We emphasize reading (or whatever specific issue) b/c it is so important....but then we make it even bigger in importance as we do so.  And the fact is - dyslexic kiddos will learn to read - and all the other stuff (esteem, social skills/relationships, attitude, perseverence, etc.) will likely be more important to their life/happiness/well-being than just how well, how quickly they read.  Shoot, I know plenty of adults who hardly.ever.read.anything.  So figuring out how to work on the 'dis'ability, while not overemphasizing it compared to lots of other fun and important skills and stuff... that's hard. I don't have the answer to this - I just try to be aware of it and not make "reading practice" the biggest/most important thing we do in our homeschool.  Try, anyways. 

 

Anyways, hope you guys are feeling better today...

 

 

Edited by suenos
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We emphasize effort and place value on it. Neither DH nor I ever have had to work especially hard academically (well, I kinda did in law school, but then I took extra time to get through it and contented myself with a B average so I wouldn't have to work as hard as I might while also homeschooling DD).

 

We also put emphasis on other things besides "book smarts" that are worth valuing, such as empathy, social IQ, and creativity.

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If test scores are too abstract, could you say something like, "Actually your doctor said you are very smart. I know you are too."

 

 

I like this idea. I'd probably say the above and also show her the test scores even if she won't understand them. "This is a special test they did that shows you are smart, just like your (whatever) test shows you have trouble hearing." 

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Is she at school with other kids with hearing impairments and cochlear implants, or just learning disabilities of some form or another? If most of her classmates are only struggling with one set of issues, and she's struggling with that plus the hearing issues, she could easily be comparing herself very unfairly. Being the youngest doesn't help, either, especially since her siblings are pretty advanced.

 

My friend who has a child with a CI is fighting to keep her child in a school with other kids with CI as well as she transitions into public school, and this is a big reason-she has two older siblings and already is hard on herself compared to them, but when she's in a room with other kids with similar issues, she can see their struggles as well.

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She's in a class for language-based LD's and is the only one with a hearing impairment. The Deaf & Hard-of-Hearing program in our area uses American Sign Language as its language of instruction and they couldn't put a 6 y.o. who doesn't sign in with deaf kids who have been learning ASL since birth. The oral deaf kids her age are typically mainstreamed by kindergarten.

 

Her siblings are older enough that I don't think she compares herself with them.

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We've dealt with this, albeit at much older ages of course. But we also had this huge background of failure and struggle to contend with. Like true failure....being 12 and not knowing how to read signs, being 12 and not understanding what your friends are talking about or 'getting' jokes, being 12 and still working to understand multiplication. 

 

I have to have regular conversations with Ana and assert very firmly that she is very capable of lots of stuff. That she is truly *good* at cooking and math and swimming and all things sports-related. That she is sweet and kind and generous and great. That it's not the 'whole' of her that she struggles to read and isn't 'on level' in subjects. No big deal. I promised her I would help her get up to the level she needed in reading and math and that she would get there because I knew she was bright and a hard worker. I also talk about how it's not her teachers' fault or her birth mom's fault (a common excuse she uses) that she couldn't read. The teachers did what they knew and were trying to teach her the way most kids learn. But many kids (1 in 5) need to learn a totally different way. Not their fault, not her fault. They were just using the wrong thing. Now we're using the right thing and it will work. 

 

Basically, a combination of talking to her straight and honest and really listing all the things they're good at. I've also found it helpful with ALL my tutoring students to spend the first lesson after doing a pre-test explaining to them what their disability (usually dyslexia and adhd for my students) is and how the stuff we were going to do would teach them to read. 

 

((hugs)) it's hard, especially when they're young. She'll develop more resilience over time as she has a history to look back on and realize "oh, I had a hard time reading but now I do....I can master this writing thing too" or "adding was hard and now it's easy. Multiplication is hard now but in a couple years it will be easy." Experience helps us to be more patient, especially with ourselves.

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