Spryte Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 To preface, my patience is extremely low today. MIL is in the hospital and it's bad. I'm having a hard time with that. Today DS was hanging out with his close friend and next door neighbor. Local kid came over and close friend ditched DS - the kid that showed up is not a great friend of ours, he's not the nicest of the neighbor kids, and can be a bully. So DS played in the backyard with DD and some other friends. DS was sad, though. Local kid has not been to our house in forever, he knows we don't allow the bullying. But next thing I know he's walking in from the backyard asking for a bandaid. I chit chatted with him a bit, and he went back out. That sounds weird, but we have a pretty open door policy so it's not ultra bizarre. Next thing I know, my kid is asking me to tell local kid to leave. DS says local kid called him names. So I went out and talked to local kid and close friend, they denied any name calling. Close friend said local kid had not said anything, too. I told them our yard is a safe space, if I hear of name calling they will be asked to leave for the rest of the day. I told them I will stick up for them in the same way. I then talk to the other kids present, separately, and they all heard the name calling. So local kid and close friend seem to have lied. I go back to them, tell local kid and close friend they have to leave for the day. Local friend continued to deny, close friend said he didn't call DS names, but I said, "you didn't stick up for your friend, either." I told them both that they are welcome here tomorrow, we like them and want them here, and if someone calls them names I will stick up for them exactly the same way. We don't allow that in our yard. There was a bit more arguing and I shut it down saying to take the Kid Drama somewhere else for today. The other kids seemed relieved and played. That right there makes me feel it was the right choice. I'm really disappointed in close friend. This is the only time I have ever asked him to leave. He is like another son to me. My heart aches. I texted his mom, at work, and let her know I felt bad. Close friend came over alone around 6:15, and apologized. He was crying, I just feel terrible. He says he didn't hear the name calling. I told him how much we like him, that he's like part of our family, and it's ok to make mistakes, and also that I might have reacted differently on a day I wasn't already worried about DS's grandma. I fed him a cinnamon roll, that came out of the oven while he was here, and sent him home. But I feel weird about it all. He could barely look at me or DS when he was here. He's really sensitive, and I hate that I made him feel so bad. Then again, I want all the kids to stick up for each other, and I'm not ok with witnessing bullying and not standing up to it. How would you have handled it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I think you handled it very well. 23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsummer Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I would have sent home the name caller. That is the unacceptable behavior. Standing up to a bully is harder for some than others. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 I would have sent home the name caller. That is the unacceptable behavior. Standing up to a bully is harder for some than others. Yeh, that's where I'm beating myself up and second guessing myself. I wish this had happened on a less emotional day. Ugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I would have done the same thing you did. Had good friend said he didn't hear the name calling that would have been different. But since he specifically said the neighbor didn't say anything he lied whether he knew it or not. If you didn't explain to him the difference in "I didn't hear anything" and " he didn't say that" I'd explain it so there are no further misunderstandings 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 You stood up for your ds, all of the kids now know you are a safe adult that they can trust to protect them, and the name-caller knows he doesn't have a free pass just because he is an effective liar. The close friend got the opportunity to explain himself and found out that you still like him, even though he made a mistake, and he got a cinnamon roll in the bargain. Never underestimate the power of comfort food to tell a young boy he's loved. I think you did fine. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 Thank you, you are all making me feel so much better. It helps. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think you made the right call, both in sending home name caller and close friend, and in how you handled close friend's apology. it sounds like he's the sort of kid who will take the correction to heart. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think you handled the situation just fine. Please don't second-guess yourself over it. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 You get to have a day where you don't second guess yourself. I think you handled it perfectly well. I don't know that I would have asked the kid who didn't call names to leave, but it sounds like the bully was only there because that kid made him feel welcome. I think it was just fine to ask both boys to leave, I think it would have been just fine to have one leave. Your house, your rules, you don't have to be perfect. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyMountain Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) I think you handled it fine. You did not tell the kid he could never come over again and you said you liked both of them. You told him that your yard is a safe place where you do not tolerate name calling and to try again on a different day. He may or may not have heard it occurring but I bet he will be more aware of sticking up when other kids are not being nice. Edited February 23, 2017 by MistyMountain 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 You did great!! Not, you did great for someone going through something hard. You just did great, period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I forgot to mention this earlier, but I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL. :( 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think the friend may have learned a lesson in picking who he hangs out with, when a person he hangs out with makes a poor choice and it reflects on him too. I think it is a good lesson to learn. Life is not always fair and guilt by association happens. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 You did just fine momma! <3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think you did great. Wonderful message. The cinnamon roll goes a long way. A cheery hello and invitation to come on over tomorrow (or soon) seals the deal. And I'm sorry about your MIL. I have a dear and darling MIL also, and watching her suffer dementia and other ailments is torture. Sending up a prayer for you and for your MIL right now. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think I need lessons from you before my kids get too much older! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 Whew. I feel so relieved, thanks everyone. I was super stressed about this. And still am, to a degree, but once we get through tomorrow and see how that goes - I'll feel better. Thanks for the well wishes re: MIL, too. I love her dearly, and this is hard. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 You were fantastic. It sounds like close friend got pulled into bullying friend's stuff. Alley 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think you did great and wish more community members would go as far as you did to help other people's kids. You say he is like a son to you. Well, you would have disciplined your own son if you heard and believed he was name-calling. You would do it out of love. So that is what you extended to neighbor kid. I think it will enhance your relationship with the neighbor kid. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think you did great and wish more community members would go as far as you did to help other people's kids. You say he is like a son to you. Well, you would have disciplined your own son if you heard and believed he was name-calling. You would do it out of love. So that is what you extended to neighbor kid. I think it will enhance your relationship with the neighbor kid. I hope you're right. His mom texted me tonight to say that he knows we love him. So fingers crossed that things are better tomorrow. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 To preface, my patience is extremely low today. MIL is in the hospital and it's bad. I'm having a hard time with that. Today DS was hanging out with his close friend and next door neighbor. Local kid came over and close friend ditched DS - the kid that showed up is not a great friend of ours, he's not the nicest of the neighbor kids, and can be a bully. So DS played in the backyard with DD and some other friends. DS was sad, though. Local kid has not been to our house in forever, he knows we don't allow the bullying. But next thing I know he's walking in from the backyard asking for a bandaid. I chit chatted with him a bit, and he went back out. That sounds weird, but we have a pretty open door policy so it's not ultra bizarre. Next thing I know, my kid is asking me to tell local kid to leave. DS says local kid called him names. So I went out and talked to local kid and close friend, they denied any name calling. Close friend said local kid had not said anything, too. I told them our yard is a safe space, if I hear of name calling they will be asked to leave for the rest of the day. I told them I will stick up for them in the same way. I then talk to the other kids present, separately, and they all heard the name calling. So local kid and close friend seem to have lied. I go back to them, tell local kid and close friend they have to leave for the day. Local friend continued to deny, close friend said he didn't call DS names, but I said, "you didn't stick up for your friend, either." I told them both that they are welcome here tomorrow, we like them and want them here, and if someone calls them names I will stick up for them exactly the same way. We don't allow that in our yard. There was a bit more arguing and I shut it down saying to take the Kid Drama somewhere else for today. The other kids seemed relieved and played. That right there makes me feel it was the right choice. I'm really disappointed in close friend. This is the only time I have ever asked him to leave. He is like another son to me. My heart aches. I texted his mom, at work, and let her know I felt bad. Close friend came over alone around 6:15, and apologized. He was crying, I just feel terrible. He says he didn't hear the name calling. I told him how much we like him, that he's like part of our family, and it's ok to make mistakes, and also that I might have reacted differently on a day I wasn't already worried about DS's grandma. I fed him a cinnamon roll, that came out of the oven while he was here, and sent him home. But I feel weird about it all. He could barely look at me or DS when he was here. He's really sensitive, and I hate that I made him feel so bad. Then again, I want all the kids to stick up for each other, and I'm not ok with witnessing bullying and not standing up to it. How would you have handled it? Well done. If I was his mother I would consider this a good life lesson. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think that was very well handled. I think it is *really* important to create boundaries and you did it great. I understand his feelings are hurt but you probably headed off a world of heartache in the future, kwim? It's always good to have clear boundaries and even kids with hurt feelings benefit from them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Total hive agreement and it sounds like kids mom is also pleased with you! Win for you. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Yeh, that's where I'm beating myself up and second guessing myself. I wish this had happened on a less emotional day. Ugh! I assume you thought close friend was lying, which to me would be a send-home-able offense. If he honestly did not hear it, then it's just an honest mistake on your part. If he did hear it and lied, then the lesson is learned. Either way, no harm done. You did great! I'm taking notes on how to deal with this in the future. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Yeh, that's where I'm beating myself up and second guessing myself. I wish this had happened on a less emotional day. Ugh! My son is very sensitive and I'd want you to send him home in this circumstance. Being gone from the house for one day will not scar him, but it might make him think before he speaks the next time. (Which we are having a problem with. He says something. Someone with more knowledge counterdicts him, and instead of considering he might be wrong, or just being quiet/switching the subject, he doubles down on what he said. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 My son is very sensitive and I'd want you to send him home in this circumstance. Being gone from the house for one day will not scar him, but it might make him think before he speaks the next time. (Which we are having a problem with. He says something. Someone with more knowledge counterdicts him, and instead of considering he might be wrong, or just being quiet/switching the subject, he doubles down on what he said. That's good to know, thanks for telling me you'd be okay with him being sent home. I know I'd want my kid sent home, too. Our close friend next door is a great kid, usually, and he's really sensitive. I feel like on another day I might have handled it differently, but maybe this worked out okay, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 As a mom of one or two sensitive kids, I assure you that I wouldn't be annoyed or frustrated or upset that you sent my kid home. I try to teach them that everyone in the world isn;t going to accommodate sensitivities and being sensitive doesn't give you an out when you're not doing right. Even if he didn't hear the name calling, I'd appreciate another mom pointing out what I was also working on...hanging out with kids who don't do the right thing will get you into trouble. For some kids, when their mom is saying it don't listen as well as when something actually bites them and another parent or authority figure has to enforce consequences. I think you did fine, don't beat yourself up. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 You're a wonderful example to those of us who may not have handled it well at all and I thank you for sharing your experience since I'm one of those people who, in the past, has been somewhat snappy. Can I come over? Your place sounds like the nice place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 You're a wonderful example to those of us who may not have handled it well at all and I thank you for sharing your experience since I'm one of those people who, in the past, has been somewhat snappy. Can I come over? Your place sounds like the nice place. You're too cool, thanks. :) Come over for an espresso! Tiny update: local kid came over after school today. He rang the bell, and when I opened it he said, "I wanted to say sorry." It was touching. He even brought a few bags of snacks, as a peace offering. We have allergies, and weren't finished with school so I just told him to go eat the snacks and have a fun day. Then, later, I got a call from a neighbor about him - he was using some bad language in the hearing of the neighbor's littles, and she was trying to figure out where he lives. Aaaaagh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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