Adulting School

[Kassia]

I have three sons who are adults and a teenage daughter.  Only one of my sons had any interest in learning "adulting."  He has always been driven to be very independent.  My other two sons resisted learning anything that would help them once they were out on their own, but they did have chores at home.  My oldest ended up learning everything as he needed to.  His brother is still dependent on us for a lot of things, but I do suspect he has Asperger's.  My independent son can do just about anything on his own and, if not, he'll figure it out.  My daughter is very independent as well and wants to do everything on her own.  

 

ETA:  I guess my point is "you can lead a horse to water..."  I hate to judge other parents when so much depends on the child's personality.  

Edited February 22, 2017 by Erica H

[73349]

It's an interesting range of skills being offered.

 

I agree that "paying bills on time" should not require instruction. Open your mail. See a bill. Pay the bill. It's on time.

And for folding laundry, yes, a video ought to be adequate--although for 3-dimensional stuff, live instruction is generally more effective.

 

But choosing a career is a whole different kind of topic, one that many parents are not really qualified to help with.

 

And in the photo caption, I saw something about mixing cocktails. I don't think a lot of parents are making sure their 21-year-olds have that one down. (Are you?)

 

I hope the participants get the knowledge or confidence they're hoping for.

[Murphy101]

For many people paying bills requires a lot of budget savvy.

 

They can't just pay it when it arrives.

 

For example if they have a $400 bill once a month and their paycheck every 2 weeks is $500. Paying $400 out of one check is not going to leave much to buy gas, groceries, savings acct and such. The wise move would be to set aside $200 each payday so that when the bill comes they can afford to pay it and still survive to the next payday. These are not skills that are intuitively known. They must be explained and taught.

 

Eta: and yes I have sat my boys down and helped them with this. It's overwhelming at first and especially when they don't make much, it's really easy to think screw it and think they just can't afford anything. They can. But dang is it tight.

 

For example one had a bill coming up and needed some help paying it. But didn't want to ask for much so put ALL his money for the following month on that bill. Which sounds responsible until I gently sat him down and ask how he was going to make it to an interview in bad weather if he could walk there or get a hair cut or what if he needed to eat and didn't have time to get back home first?

 

Shock and horror dawned upon him. Omg. He didn't make enough to survive. Oh god.

 

Calm down honey. You're in luck. Mama ain't broke today. So I paid his rent and showed him how to very carefully budget every week so his income would float him. He is 18. He isn't dumb. To him he did the smart responsible thing. The bill came in and he paid it in full. And he kept careful track that his monthly expenses weren't more than his income. But ya still gotta have a budget plan. But he is a full time college kid working full time. Now he follows his budget. With relief.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Murphy101

[lmrich]

We had a complete fail as parents... my son had no idea how to address an envelope! He could not get any of his graduation gift money until he wrote his thank you notes (my way of making sure it got done). He had no idea how to address them! Has he never looked at the mail? He has! I even found his 5th grade Rod and Staff book to show him where he had learned this skill. 

 

He finally got the thank you notes done. He did know how to use the bank app to deposit the checks into the bank. I guess he can learn. 

 

(He is the same kid who at 7 dressed himself with his sweater vest under the shirt.)

 

I guess I am trying to say, that is the parent's job to do the teaching, but the kid's job to do the learning. AND some kids place no value on these 'adult' skills so they do not bother to really learn them. (My son still thinks US Postal service will not be around so why bother learning how to address an envelope; you might as well learn how to program a VCR.)

[LucyStoner]

Eh, I don't take it for granted that all parents either can or choose to teach (either via modeling or explicit guidance) many basic life functions.

 

It's sad but reality is sad sometimes. I'm not defending the parents but it doesn't shock me either.

 

My mom was from generational poverty. She didn't know that fish didn't come in a can.

 

I learned to cook from my middle class raised dad but there were many things I had to learn on my own as a young adult. Even stuff like regular hygiene and how to do laundry in a machine. I literally bought books to study up.

 

My niece and nephew...I see them missing a lot of basic life skills because mom and dad are poor, dysfunctional and dealing with their own crap more than taking care of their kids. This is why my niece is enrolled in a mentorship program for at risk kids and they do teach things like proper dress. Yes, as aunt and uncle my husband and I do what we can but a few years of being here a lot doesn't undo spending most of their lives where basic life functions can not be taken for granted. When my sons get ready for bed, they know to brush their teeth and wash their hands. When they are done, they rinse their brushes and put them in the place they go. They put the cap back on the toothpaste. My niece and nephew just don't. We remind them. I don't shame them or belittle them. It's not like they learned to brush their teeth at home. A small example but just one of very many things.

 

I know kids from affluent families who grew up just as ignorant as my niece and nephew to certain basics. Perhaps they had good hygiene and strong study habits but no practical skills and family meals were everyone orders in their dinner.

 

I also know some pretty sheltered adult homeschool graduates who had serious knowledge gaps in basic life skills so I'm not going to give homeschoolers like myself a pass here.

Edited February 22, 2017 by LucyStoner

[Anne in CA]

Wow, many of you are so harsh!

 

I was just thinking this morning that there are a lot of useful skills I didn't learn from my family, and thus haven't taught my kids. My mother became terminally ill when I was 13, died when I was 15, and I moved out when I was 17. There is a LOT of stuff I missed. I could Google it if I needed to, but it doesn't come up because I am used to doing stuff my way, which might actually be inefficient or not really effective. Stuff like how to get stains out of clothing, how to properly set a table, how often I'm supposed to change sheets, how to keep track of vehicle maintenance, how to budget our finances, how to take care of houseplants, how to alter clothing, etc. I've guessed my way through stuff and figure it's "good enough." If I really want to know something, I do google it, but sometimes I don't know what I don't know.

 

I was thinking if we had an exchange student for a year - would they be shocked at how I clean my bathroom? Maybe I'm doing it wrong? My dd's boyfriend was greatly amused that we refrigerate ketchup and bread. Doesn't everyone? But we keep a stick of butter on the counter, which some people would freak out about. We are lax about table manners at home and don't go out to eat much, so my kids would look like animals at the table to some people.

 

My kids help out around the house, but since they're not exactly trained by a master, I have this guilty feeling like I haven't prepared them to live up to other people's standards. Now I feel like I need a 1950's homemaker's guide book. (ETA: I think I've seen Home Comforts recommended).

Everyone should refrigerate catsup and bread. What kind of heathens leave those things out???? They spoil, lol. 

[Frances]

You would think. Dd's were talking about this recently (I was listening). They said that some parents seem to be depending on the college to complete the parenting process for their kids. They gave a slew of illustrations for that which I've long since forgotten. I do remember, however, the roommate one ds had when he began college. The kid didn't even know how to vacuum the tiny living room of their apartment. :blink: And his mother would descend on the apartment every so often and do all the kid's chores for him. :blink: :blink: And I'm talking things like loading dirty dishes into the dishwasher.

We did our first college tour when my son was only 15 because we were in that part of the country for another event. He was very perplexed when the tour guide pointed to the on-campus apartments for upperclassmen and talked about how living in them helped student support learn how grocery shop, cook, clean, etc while living more independently than in dorms. He couldn't believe that any college student wouldn't know how to do things that he had been doing for years.

[Frances]

Though I do have to say, I might have a kid who was taught the adult skills but did not necessarily retain them all...

 

And folding a fitted sheet is a poor example. Not an essential life skill, you know? I've managed to get my sheets into a reasonable shape for putting in the closet. But, if I want to learn... YouTube.

I grew up doing tons of chores and never was taught how to fold fitted sheets. I don't remember having spare sheets. We just washed and dried them and put them right back on the bed. I remember my brother-in-law teaching me at a laundromat shortly after I got married, and we were living with family in an apartment in Boston for the summer.

[Liz CA]

For many people paying bills requires a lot of budget savvy.

 

They can't just pay it when it arrives.

 

For example if they have a $400 bill once a month and their paycheck every 2 weeks is $500. Paying $400 out of one check is not going to leave much to buy gas, groceries, savings acct and such. The wise move would be to set aside $200 each payday so that when the bill comes they can afford to pay it and still survive to the next payday. These are not skills that are intuitively known. They must be explained and taught.

 

This is an area that is often neglected. I think ds figured it out himself mostly but I should have / could have done more. I cannot remember if we did a budgeting session. I know it was on my radar but don't know if we ever got around to it.

 

However, these days you can learn a lot from financial websites as well - if you are motivated.

[unsinkable]

Wow, many of you are so harsh!

 

I was just thinking this morning that there are a lot of useful skills I didn't learn from my family, and thus haven't taught my kids. My mother became terminally ill when I was 13, died when I was 15, and I moved out when I was 17. There is a LOT of stuff I missed. I could Google it if I needed to, but it doesn't come up because I am used to doing stuff my way, which might actually be inefficient or not really effective. Stuff like how to get stains out of clothing, how to properly set a table, how often I'm supposed to change sheets, how to keep track of vehicle maintenance, how to budget our finances, how to take care of houseplants, how to alter clothing, etc. I've guessed my way through stuff and figure it's "good enough." If I really want to know something, I do google it, but sometimes I don't know what I don't know.

 

I was thinking if we had an exchange student for a year - would they be shocked at how I clean my bathroom? Maybe I'm doing it wrong? My dd's boyfriend was greatly amused that we refrigerate ketchup and bread. Doesn't everyone? But we keep a stick of butter on the counter, which some people would freak out about. We are lax about table manners at home and don't go out to eat much, so my kids would look like animals at the table to some people.

 

My kids help out around the house, but since they're not exactly trained by a master, I have this guilty feeling like I haven't prepared them to live up to other people's standards. Now I feel like I need a 1950's homemaker's guide book. (ETA: I think I've seen Home Comforts recommended).

I'm sorry about your mom.

 

My parents died when I was a teenager...and boy, there are a ton of things I'm sure they just DID that I never noticed that they thought I knew. Or things I needed to know that never came up.

 

I wonder if there's things I think my kids know that they don't.

[NorthwestMom]

You guys are a little harsh here. This board is full of people who focus on raising children and teaching them things. Not everyone is so lucky to be born into that kind of family.  :sad:

Edited February 22, 2017 by NorthwestMom

[alisoncooks]

Golly, now I'm concerned cause I've never refrigerated bread.

 

I think... maybe it's a shame that adulting classes are NEEDED, but good for those who realize they need it and take the steps to remedy their ignorance.

 

I'd kind of like a list (spin off thread?) of "adulting" skills my child should know before leaving home. I'm sure I'm missing important stuff. I mean, I have a 10 year old who still can't tie her shoes...:o

[theelfqueen]

I have a good friend who has a blended family of five kids...

 

She was complaining about how she was spending so much time doing dishes and I suggested that her kids (All over age 10) should do the dishes. She said they did such a terrible job that it wasn't worth having them do it.

 

I suggested in a joking tone that if you are raising kids who aren't qualified to get a job as a dishwasher you might want to examine that.

 

But seriously -- there are things I do when I should have my kids do it because I want them to use their time differently. For example, they COULD make lunch on school days but mostly I do it -- so they can focus on school. I think that's true for a lot of families... For example, parents who don't cook often probably aren't teaching cooking -- or washing dishes... We have boys in our scout troop who definitely need more help than others with basic skills (like packing their own bags, or cooking meals, or being a grubmaster and grocer-shopping....) and parents step in to help and don't realize they're hindering progress. 

 

[bettyandbob]

 

Funny that folks consider taking the car IN to have the oil changed. Wouldn't you just do that yourself? Much cheaper...

I live in a town house and have no garage. Also disposing of used oil is an issue.

[happi duck]

I like that part of the idea behind the classes is so people realize they're not alone in needing some help. Plus it's happy hour... why not get out with other people?

 

All in all we all have different strengths and observe different things. What you or your kids know or don't know doesn't make anyone better or worse than anyone else...Just different!!

[theelfqueen]

I like that part of the idea behind the classes is so people realize they're not alone in needing some help. Plus it's happy hour... why not get out with other people?

 

Plus "You could watch a video on Youtube" vs. You could go out and make friends with actual people? There's a lot of complaining about how this generation is socially hampered by their social media and internet addiction ;)  KWIM?

[Murphy101]

This is an area that is often neglected. I think ds figured it out himself mostly but I should have / could have done more. I cannot remember if we did a budgeting session. I know it was on my radar but don't know if we ever got around to it.

 

However, these days you can learn a lot from financial websites as well - if you are motivated.

Idk. I was motivated but few websites and such self help was not useful. The poor people budgeting is an tricky art that is rarely addressed. Oh you need to save money? Well just buy less $6 lattes and get a smaller cable package. Seriously. I never did either of those things. The information for low to modest income management is a joke. A condescending ignorant joke.

[Scarlett]

For many people paying bills requires a lot of budget savvy.

 

They can't just pay it when it arrives.

 

For example if they have a $400 bill once a month and their paycheck every 2 weeks is $500. Paying $400 out of one check is not going to leave much to buy gas, groceries, savings acct and such. The wise move would be to set aside $200 each payday so that when the bill comes they can afford to pay it and still survive to the next payday. These are not skills that are intuitively known. They must be explained and taught.

 

Eta: and yes I have sat my boys down and helped them with this. It's overwhelming at first and especially when they don't make much, it's really easy to think screw it and think they just can't afford anything. They can. But dang is it tight.

 

For example one had a bill coming up and needed some help paying it. But didn't want to ask for much so put ALL his money for the following month on that bill. Which sounds responsible until I gently sat him down and ask how he was going to make it to an interview in bad weather if he could walk there or get a hair cut or what if he needed to eat and didn't have time to get back home first?

 

Shock and horror dawned upon him. Omg. He didn't make enough to survive. Oh god.

 

Calm down honey. You're in luck. Mama ain't broke today. So I paid his rent and showed him how to very carefully budget every week so his income would float him. He is 18. He isn't dumb. To him he did the smart responsible thing. The bill came in and he paid it in full. And he kept careful track that his monthly expenses weren't more than his income. But ya still gotta have a budget plan. But he is a full time college kid working full time. Now he follows his budget. With relief.

My 17 asks me constantly how much things cost.....he is trying to form a plan to live on his own. It is so hard to explain to him how much it costs to live. I mean sure the 4 walls are X amount and the car insurance is this and gas is about this much, but how about haircuts, car repair, dry leaning, gifts, and the list goes on.

 

I recently mentioned that if he had 10k down on a 50k house he could have a cheaper than rent payment, avoid PMI, get a roommate and have a good deal. So suddenly he thinks he needs to save 10k by the time he graduates in just over a year. Silly kid. I told him a year or two living at home and working and saving would be more reasonable.

[Lady Florida.]

 

 

I grew up very poor with a single working mother.  I was doing laundry, dishes, etc very young.  I was also helping to cook dinner or at least get things started pretty young.  I still hate to cook (maybe that's why I hate it) and can't manage beyond the basics.  

 

 

 

Same here. Poor, single working mother, started taking care of the house and my little brother when I was nine. I do love to cook but I hate housework. I'm pretty sure it's because I've been doing it for so long. Which is weird because I've been cooking for just as long and I don't hate that. Maybe it's my Italian need to feed people. :)

Edited February 22, 2017 by Lady Florida.

[kitten18]

I think the classes sound great, maybe because I was a home ec teacher.

 

Kids probably should be learning much of this at home but the fact is that many don't.

[LucyStoner]

Also, the classes sound social.

 

Millennials are looking for social connections. Over the years I've attended adult dance classes, a few cooking classes, sewing classes, workshops on various crafts and knitting circles. This actually doesn't seem all that different, just a little spin. I could learn to do any of those things alone but often the class offered a social connection. The cooking classes for instance were usually date nights for me and my husband. I suppose people could get their panties in a twist that I didn't learn to dance or sew or make Thai food as a child...but why?

 

As a child I was busy coping with some pretty rough situations and learning skills I would hope my kids don't need...how to eat for a week on couch change, how to punch someone in the face, how to pretend everything is ok and you're just like the mostly rich kids you attend school with.

Edited February 22, 2017 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

I've actually thought about setting up a basic car maintenance workshop. And I've had friends suggest that I offer finance workshops. Maybe I should start an adulting class series here in Seattle, lol.

[fraidycat]

Golly, now I'm concerned cause I've never refrigerated bread.

 

I think... maybe it's a shame that adulting classes are NEEDED, but good for those who realize they need it and take the steps to remedy their ignorance.

 

I'd kind of like a list (spin off thread?) of "adulting" skills my child should know before leaving home. I'm sure I'm missing important stuff. I mean, I have a 10 year old who still can't tie her shoes...:o

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/222994-life-skills-every-person-should-have/

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/186107-can-you-help-me-prepare-a-list-of-adult-behaviorsresponsibilities/?fromsearch=1

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/289068-what-would-you-want-to-know-before-you-were-out-on-your-own/?do=findComment&comment=0

Edited February 22, 2017 by fraidycat

[LucyStoner]

Hell will freeze over before I refrigerate my bread. And I've been adulting since I was 7 in many ways.

[Murphy101]

Also, the classes sound social.

 

Millennials are looking for social connections. Over the years I've attended adult dance classes, a few cooking classes, sewing classes, workshops on various crafts and knitting circles. This actually doesn't seem all that different, just a little spin. I suppose people could get their panties in a twist that I didn't learn to dance or sew as a child...but why?

 

As a child I was busy coping with some pretty rough situations and learning skills I would hope my kids don't need...how to eat for a week on couch change, how to punch someone in the face, how to pretend everything is ok and you're just like the mostly rich kids you attend school with.

There's the social aspect. But more importantly to me is the communal and generational passing on of knowledge aspect that you simply cannot lesson plan or youtube.

[LucyStoner]

There's the social aspect. But more importantly to me is the communal and generational passing on of knowledge aspect that you simply cannot lesson plan or youtube.

But if you don't have that generational resource, you don't have it. A class where peers learn from each other could be a nice alternative. Some people have incompetent parents and elders in their family. Some have dead parents. Some have malevolent parents and elders. I think it's silly to judge people who lack a more idyllic and supportive learning home environment.

 

Also, much of these skills actually used to be part of a core high school education...now they aren't available even if kids want them. So it's not accurate to say they were always handed from older to younger generation within the family.

 

I took auto shop in high school. Now I'm not sure auto shop is even offered here. I took it at that last shop in the district...and I think that school site was remodeled studs out. I doubt they kept it. There's no 11th grade scorecard for shop and home ec and what we don't test we barely do anymore in school. I'm NOT a mechanic and didn't take the class intending to be one but I can do the basics and I know when a mechanic is bullshitting me. That's a valuable life skill that a lot of people don't get at home (my FIL never repaired anything himself...I was the one who taught my husband how to change a damn tire.)

Edited February 22, 2017 by LucyStoner

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't think that there are adulting police. (As long as you don't go to the extremes of child neglect or something. ). Most of us aren't perfect at it. Most of us have figured out a "good enough " level of adulting. Most of us continue to learn.

 

Again- I don't think that the classes are bad. A bit of a waste of money, perhaps? But that's just because we don't have a lot left over for extras and I feel like all of this could be had for free.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited February 22, 2017 by Jean in Newcastle

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've actually thought about setting up a basic car maintenance workshop. And I've had friends suggest that I offer finance workshops. Maybe I should start an adulting class series here in Seattle, lol.

I took a basic car maintenance class through the YWCA.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LucyStoner]

I took a basic car maintenance class through the YWCA.

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah, what made me think of setting one up was not being able to find one for a friend. The YWCA programming changes a lot so it wasn't there when we were looking. Part of me was thinking about the gap left after the Solid Ground auto ownership program ended...so maybe geared to low income families who often end up with large amounts of deferred basic maintenance. But I could also see a for profit class at a local garage. Just something that's been bouncing around my head but I committed to something else first volunteer wise.

[LucyStoner]

Again- I don't think that the classes are bad. A bit of a waste of money, perhaps? But that's just because we don't have a lot left over for extras and I feel like all of this could be had for free.

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A lot of workshops and classes can be free or low cost.

 

We used to have a peer career coaching group for mid 20 somethings when we were mid 20 somethings that was free except for we took turns hosting brunch. Some of the "classes" I've seen are really just meetups. I have a friend who is hosting regular immigration advocacy classes, free.

 

Also some areas have lively "free schools" for people to offer and access free classes. Like an old school Coursera.

 

It's interesting to me all the ways that groups come together.

[LucyStoner]

Out of curiosity I checked and auto shop is still offered in my district but only at one central site open to all kids. If you are on a college prep path at your regular school, finding time to go to a different site just for a basic shop class seems unlikely. There is also not an auto careers pathways offered but there are other career pathways offered. Still it seems either/or rather than an add on complement to a well rounded education.

[Murphy101]

But if you don't have that generational resource, you don't have it. A class where peers learn from each other could be a nice alternative. Some people have incompetent parents and elders in their family. Some have dead parents. Some have malevolent parents and elders. I think it's silly to judge people who lack a more idyllic and supportive learning home environment.

 

Also, much of these skills actually used to be part of a core high school education...now they aren't available even if kids want them. So it's not accurate to say they were always handed from older to younger generation within the family.

 

I took auto shop in high school. Now I'm not sure auto shop is even offered here. I took it at that last shop in the district...and I think that school site was remodeled studs out. I doubt they kept it. There's no 11th grade scorecard for shop and home ec and what we don't test we barely do anymore in school. I'm NOT a mechanic and didn't take the class intending to be one but I can do the basics and I know when a mechanic is bullshitting me. That's a valuable life skill that a lot of people don't get at home (my FIL never repaired anything himself...I was the one who taught my husband how to change a damn tire.)

Oh I agree that we don't all have generational knowledge from home, but generational knowledge is not just about parenting. I had parents who didn't teach me anything. Dh had a dad who rebuilt cars but yet never taught his own son how to even change the oil in his car. So I like that this is a real in person class bc I agree with you that finding others who were willing to share their knowledge was pivotal in so many small and big ways. That's communal/generational passing of knowledge.

 

My knitting guild is a source of communal/generational passing of knowledge. Though the guild has plans and goals, the greatest source of further learning about knitting is just sitting together being with other knitters. Someone will be watching someone else and see a new technique or whatever. To the person doing it, it's no big deal. To the person watching it's a lightbulb moment.

 

My point is that the social aspect gives opportunity for that important passing of communal/generational knowledge tidbits that would be otherwise missed.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Murphy101

[EmseB]

I haven't read all of the responses, but honestly I feel like a lot of this isn't even on parents teaching kids how to do stuff.  It's just growing up and learning through experience.  My parents never financed anything but their house.  They taught me to be careful with money.  I still went out and financed my whole first apartment's worth of furniture because I was young and dumb.  A lot of these things people just have to learn by doing and suck up the consequences.

 

I think the biggest problem is that almost culturally as far as our kids go (in general) we've sort of been conditioned that there's always extra credit or a do over and are surprised when we get to "adulting" that there often isn't.  Yes, you can get fired for one mistake. Yes, your credit gets ruined and it takes FOREVER to repair. Maybe your car dies because you didn't change the oil, or the lights get turned off because you didn't pay the bill. Maybe you end up having a kid before you really planned. No, there's no easy fix or quick solution to these things. You can't beg for more time on a bill the same way you can beg your math teacher for another day to complete an assignment.  A lot of times there's no second chances as an adult and mistakes that are made require a huge amount of personal sacrifice to fix or work through.  And it sucks.  It really, really sucks.  And that is the concept that I find really difficult to teach my kids.  Because I want to be a soft place for them to land, but I also want them to realize that sometimes there is no soft place, and sometimes Mom and Dad can't fix things even if they want to.  My oldest is 9, so I know I don't even know the half of this all yet.

 

But, life is also pretty good too, so there's that.

[Murphy101]

I don't think that there are adulting police. (As long as you don't go to the extremes of child neglect or something. ). Most of us aren't perfect at it. Most of us have figured out a "good enough " level of adulting. Most of us continue to learn.

 

Again- I don't think that the classes are bad. A bit of a waste of money, perhaps? But that's just because we don't have a lot left over for extras and I feel like all of this could be had for free.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

But free usually requires a lot more effort and time, and those aren't cheap either. Trial and error is free but it's sure not easier or faster. Not to mention that sometimes you get what you pay for. Don't get me wrong, I like free as much as the next mom of 11, but sometimes it is worth it to pay. For one thing, they aren't spending hours in the internet hunting stuff down. For another, in theory anyways, they are paying for accuracy, for someone who supposedly owns what the heck they are talking about. And lastly, there's the community knowledge bank. They get to learn from what others are doing and created shared knowledge.

[maize]

One factor I haven't seen mentioned is anxiety. For those of us who do not struggle significantly with anxiety, figuring something out on our own is not a big deal. We watch people around us, maybe look stuff up, and frequently just jump in and try. So the kid regentrude mentioned who couldn't cross the street? Most kids wouldn't even stop to think "oh no I don't know how to do this"--they would just do. Since that kid didn't, I would lay down a solid bet he's a kid with significant anxiety issues.

 

I have an anxious husband and a houseful of anxious kids. They can be completely paralyzed by something if they have not been explicitly taught in a step by step manner and had ample opportunity to practice. If I can teach my kids one thing that may be most beneficial in their adult lives it will be bravery and resilience--the courage to face their own anxiety and take risks. To talk to teachers when they don't understand something. To ask questions of doctors and be bold in expressing their own needs. To do something new they have never done before and never been shown how to do. To attempt to figure something out on their own and risk making a mistake.

 

I think that will matter more than whether or not I explicitly teach them how to fold a sheet or change the oil.

 

Because with anxiety simple things can feel overwhelmingly risky. Learning to cope with that and embrace risk as necessary may be, for some kids, the most important of all adult skills.

Edited February 22, 2017 by maize

[SparklyUnicorn]

I dunno, none of the mentioned skills (except maybe money management) are difficult.  If there is one or two that you aren't so great at, it's not hard to just take it upon yourself to get better.  The only skill you really need is problem solving.  You go and look for a solution.  You want to get better at cooking, find videos, buy cookbooks, etc.  It's not that difficult.  I certainly did not learn everything from my parents.  For one thing our situations are quite different.  My parents, for example, never owned their own home.  So I never learned about home maintenance or basic repairs.  I have managed to figure that all out no problem. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've actually thought about setting up a basic car maintenance workshop. And I've had friends suggest that I offer finance workshops. Maybe I should start an adulting class series here in Seattle, lol.

 

Yeah this is a class I'd take.  So far I've figured out putting air in my tires and changing a battery.  Might seem like no duh to some people, but I had never learned how to do it.  I asked a neighbor and she told me about a place I can go where they only charge $12 to fill your tires.  WHAT?!  I think i can figure that out.  And I did.  Funny, but I actually asked the front desk person at my kid's pediatrician.  And that worked!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't think the classes are stupid.  It IS one way people can learn how to do stuff they want to know how to do.  And I agree it can be social.  Not my idea of a good time, but other people might like it. 

[ErinE]

You shouldn't refrigerate your bread. It dries it out. Freeze it or leave it at room temperature.

 

http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/06/does-refrigeration-really-ruin-bread.html

[SparklyUnicorn]

Then again if you buy cheap crappy bread and only eat it toasted, who cares. 

 

No need to overthink this stuff.

 

 

[marbel]

ETA: Never mind. Someone else posted about refrigerating bread.

 

Edited February 22, 2017 by marbel

[marbel]

OK, after reading a lot of posts, I've changed my mind.  I think I overreacted to the idea of the classes.   I think two things sort of triggered that - the cutesy term "adulting" and the thing about folding fitted sheets.  Yeah, I'm stuck on the fitted sheet thing.  Because that's just such a nonissue.

 

I don't know how I learned certain things that I know.  I don't know how a person can have a car and not know to get the oil changed.  But, I don't know how I know that. I've never taught my kids that but they hear us talking about taking the car in for service, etc.  So I'd assume that once they have a car they would know to do that.  I guess I should check.

 

Cooking - there have always been cooking classes.   Same for budgeting.  

 

There are books and websites devoted to cleaning and food storage.  My mother didn't teach me to clean.  When I got my first apartment, I learned.  I guess I lived with a dirty tub for a while, then went to the store and bought some stuff.  

 

So, the idea of a comprehensive class on doing adult stuff seems foreign to me.  But, if people need it, they need it, whatever the reason.  

[maize]

Eh, I don't take it for granted that all parents either can or choose to teach (either via modeling or explicit guidance) many basic life functions.

 

It's sad but reality is sad sometimes. I'm not defending the parents but it doesn't shock me either.

 

My mom was from generational poverty. She didn't know that fish didn't come in a can.

 

I learned to cook from my middle class raised dad but there were many things I had to learn on my own as a young adult. Even stuff like regular hygiene and how to do laundry in a machine. I literally bought books to study up.

 

My niece and nephew...I see them missing a lot of basic life skills because mom and dad are poor, dysfunctional and dealing with their own crap more than taking care of their kids. This is why my niece is enrolled in a mentorship program for at risk kids and they do teach things like proper dress. Yes, as aunt and uncle my husband and I do what we can but a few years of being here a lot doesn't undo spending most of their lives where basic life functions can not be taken for granted. When my sons get ready for bed, they know to brush their teeth and wash their hands. When they are done, they rinse their brushes and put them in the place they go. They put the cap back on the toothpaste. My niece and nephew just don't. We remind them. I don't shame them or belittle them. It's not like they learned to brush their teeth at home. A small example but just one of very many things.

 

I know kids from affluent families who grew up just as ignorant as my niece and nephew to certain basics. Perhaps they had good hygiene and strong study habits but no practical skills and family meals were everyone orders in their dinner.

 

I also know some pretty sheltered adult homeschool graduates who had serious knowledge gaps in basic life skills so I'm not going to give homeschoolers like myself a pass here.

I think gaps are inevitable--there is just no way for one person to learn every possible skill in 18 years.

 

My family country hopped through much of my childhood. I picked up bits and pieces of lots of stuff and ended up as full of knowledge holes as Swiss cheese. Gaps seem like a totally normal part of life to me.

 

Your toothbrushing example made me laugh--lots of people with executive function difficulties in this house, I'm sure at least half of us never manage to follow your nicely ordered set of steps. My kids each have their very own labeled drawer to keep their toothbrush in, but half the time no one knows where their toothbrush is.

[Guest]

The thing is, every person has to learn some things as they go along in part because new things are invented. When I first started driving, I had to go INTO the gas station and pay or pre-pay at the counter for fuel. I remember the first time I encountered pay-at-the-pump. What fresh mystery was this? How did it work? I figured it out. Or I could have asked someone. But I wouldn't have been upset because there was no class to teach me how.

[lllll]

nm

Edited March 2, 2017 by --Kathy--

[Dmmetler]

When I visited the CLE store, I noticed that they had some really good LUs on basic household maintenance, auto care, and stuff like that. It seemed like a really good idea.

 

I have to be honest-if there were a homeschool class in this kind of stuff, I'd sign DD up. Not because theoretically she shouldn't already know it, but because she tends to take outsourced stuff more seriously. Her cheer coach teaches a class on meal planning and nutrition (for people who want to manage kitchens for hospitals, nursing homes, schools, etc) at the CC DD attends, and I plan to have DD take it at some point in the next few years even though it doesn't overlap either major at all, because it sounds like really good information for her to have, and she's a lot more likely to believe it from her coach (or a college professor in general) than from me.

[Guest]

Wow, many of you are so harsh!

 

I was just thinking this morning that there are a lot of useful skills I didn't learn from my family, and thus haven't taught my kids. My mother became terminally ill when I was 13, died when I was 15, and I moved out when I was 17. There is a LOT of stuff I missed. I could Google it if I needed to, but it doesn't come up because I am used to doing stuff my way, which might actually be inefficient or not really effective. Stuff like how to get stains out of clothing, how to properly set a table, how often I'm supposed to change sheets, how to keep track of vehicle maintenance, how to budget our finances, how to take care of houseplants, how to alter clothing, etc. I've guessed my way through stuff and figure it's "good enough." If I really want to know something, I do google it, but sometimes I don't know what I don't know.

 

I was thinking if we had an exchange student for a year - would they be shocked at how I clean my bathroom? Maybe I'm doing it wrong? My dd's boyfriend was greatly amused that we refrigerate ketchup and bread. Doesn't everyone? But we keep a stick of butter on the counter, which some people would freak out about. We are lax about table manners at home and don't go out to eat much, so my kids would look like animals at the table to some people.

 

My kids help out around the house, but since they're not exactly trained by a master, I have this guilty feeling like I haven't prepared them to live up to other people's standards. Now I feel like I need a 1950's homemaker's guide book. (ETA: I think I've seen Home Comforts recommended).

I'm very sorry you lost your mom so early.

 

There is not one perfect, correct way to do every task - and I say that as a person who leans strongly perfectionistic! If the stain comes out and the bread doesn't mold, who cares if the way you do it isn't the way some other person would or does? Nobody ever instructed me in how often to wash my sheets and I know some people would be shocked with the interval I have settled upon. I know folks who do it more often and some who do it less often, but who cares? The Sheet Inspector has never stopped by my house to check that I'm freshly-enough laundered, nor to see that my fitted sheets are perfectly folded (although they are, because I'm a perfectionist about that ;)).

 

I didn't know how to can tomatoes when I first had a garden, but I learned. I didn't know how to even roast a whole chicken, but I called up my SIL and asked her. I knew nothing about managing money and didn't understand credit cards well, but my MIL told me a lot of that stuff; other things I learned from books like Your Money or Your Life and The Tightwad Gazette.

 

Doing something your own way is not doing it "wrong", so long as the end goal is reached. If your butter doesn't make everyone sick (it doesn't; many people do not refridgerate the butter), them leave it on the counter. If the stain comes out of the clothing, you did it "right."

[Guest]

When I visited the CLE store, I noticed that they had some really good LUs on basic household maintenance, auto care, and stuff like that. It seemed like a really good idea.

 

I have to be honest-if there were a homeschool class in this kind of stuff, I'd sign DD up. Not because theoretically she shouldn't already know it, but because she tends to take outsourced stuff more seriously. Her cheer coach teaches a class on meal planning and nutrition (for people who want to manage kitchens for hospitals, nursing homes, schools, etc) at the CC DD attends, and I plan to have DD take it at some point in the next few years even though it doesn't overlap either major at all, because it sounds like really good information for her to have, and she's a lot more likely to believe it from her coach (or a college professor in general) than from me.

I did consider offering a class called Money Smart at the co-op, for teens. It would be to learn about credit cards, avoiding debt whenever possible, understanding how much money it takes to live different ways, learn about investments and money markets, IRAs and savings accounts. I still think that's a good class idea.

[Guest]

Isn't a lot of this stuff regional?? Most of the boys I grew up with could build a house, fix a tractor and skin a deer but they would look like idiots trying to navigate a city bus system. We don't live in the country but my kids have no city skills because that isn't how we live. Maybe these kids are new to city living?

[Mimm]

"She said part of the problem is that classes that teach life skills, like home economics, aren't emphasized and there is no dedicated place to learn adult skills."

 

Isn't that what parents are for?

 

That is what parents are for, and yes, I think that's a parenting fail unless these people didn't have parents.

 

But I can say that I can see my oldest needing classes like this. She's very resistant to learning anything from me and has this lovely tenancy to want to do the opposite of whatever I recommend. I'm not sure if it's a parenting fail, but it sure feels like one on a regular basis. I grew up in a two parent house with a stay at home mom, and there are huge gaps in my ability to adult properly. My parents gave me a hand me down car from my dad with absolutely no instructions on how to take care of it. Seriously, I didn't realize it needed oil changes. How do you give a kid a car without telling them to get the oil changed? It ended up on fire on the side of the road, even after I complained to my parents that it was acting weird and there was a burning smell when I drove it. My first checking account (haha, remember writing checks for everything?) was closed down with tons of overdraft fees. My friend's mom sat down with her on a weekly basis and balanced her check book and made her save a percentage of her money, but my mom never looked at mine and paying attention to it didn't come naturally to me.

 

I'm sure I'm passing some dysfunction along to my own kids. But hey, I've tried. They can clean a house and shop for food and cook for themselves and do laundry. Middle can manage her money quite well but Oldest struggles. They can't change a flat tire or check the oil or anything, because I can't do those things.

 

They can look up a new skill and learn it from youtube videos. So I think that might cover a lot of other things they can't do yet. :) They've seen their parents do this on multiple occasions, from learning to knit to repairing the fridge.