Can't decide if I am being petty and immature, or justified feeling how I do....

[TheReader]

For background, know that I have a very dear friend that lives out of state, and a shared passion/hobby which coincidentally holds a big event twice a year -- once in the metro area near her, once in the metro area near me. For many reasons, she has always traveled to see me, at the event held in my metro area. During it, I have always accommodated her travel schedule based on what works for her.

 

This year, I had surprise funds available at the same time she asked me to come up for the event in her metro area. I discussed with her the details -- I would need to fly into the further airport to afford the ticket, and would need her to pick me up. She agreed.

 

I asked about flight times, because while I knew the earliest arrival and latest departure would be ideal on her end, if the arrival right after/departure right before would also work, they would both be way more convenient for me. She pretty firmly stated that it had to be earliest and latest -- arriving any later would make her late to a scheduled portion of the event, and departing any earlier would not give enough time at the final day of the event. As such, even though it meant red-eye flights on both ends, I booked those flights, because I realized she was going a bit out of the way to get me from the further airport.

 

Fast forward a week, and she has realized that traffic will be a larger concern than imagined, and so "if (I) could get an uber or taxi from airport to event, that would be the least stressful for (her)." The email continues for three paragraphs justifying her position, and concludes with "but if you can't, or won't, I will pick you up, but I won't be there until (an hour after your flight lands)."

 

The email also informs me that, aside from the delay in pick-up, she will also be departing the venue/event on the final day at the the exact time deemed too early when I asked about leaving on the next-to-last flight, which means now I will be arriving at the airport a full five hours before my scheduled departure (unless I am able to switch to the earlier flight).

 

None of this was phrased as a question, and there is/was no acknowledgement or apology for disregarding my convenience, needs, etc. Simply a statement of what she needs to do, to alleviate her stress related to me accepting her invitation to attend this event.

 

Am I crazy to feel upset by this? I am more dismayed by the lack of concern for what accommodating her needs actually means for me...not so much annoyed to spend the extra time in the airport as I am annoyed and hurt that, when I asked for these exact times (because they were better for me and my DH, who is driving me to/from the airport), they were deemed too late and too early. Now that she's realized that adjusting to those times will allow her to better avoid rush hour, thus making these times more convenient for her, now they are okay, even though they still mean arriving later and leaving earlier from the event.

 

Put another way, I feel like she was only willing to compromise on less time at the event once it directly benefited her to do so, not when I requested it because of it being much more convenient for me. Or, yet another way, apparently it is fine for me to suffer inconvenience, as long as she does not, even if in order to lessen her discomfort we have to actually add to mine.

 

Because she wants to avoid rush hour, and didn't consider that when I asked about times, I now have to spend six extra hours in the airport, or spend an extra $100+ on getting to/from on my own. I feel like she is saying her time and comfort is more valuable and more important than mine.

 

Am I nuts?

 

I am seriously considering cancelling at this point. I worry that if I accept her "offer" to pick me up late/drop me off early, she'll be annoyed that I am not getting my own transportation. I worry that, whichever I choose, I will remain upset over this and in a sour mood from it for the whole weekend. And that if I accept her ride, she will remain in a stressed out mood from it all weekend. And that our mutual bad moods, upset with each other over being put-out by the mutually inconvenient travel situation, will sour the entire weekend.

 

Frankly, I don't really want to go spend time with someone who would rather make me sit in an airport for hours on end than put up with a little bit of rush hour traffic. Especially having been the rush-hour traffic picker-upper every year when she comes in. I am feeling very much like, "If my comfort, convenience, time, etc. is of so little value to you, why on earth am I spending hundreds of dollars to come see you? If your biggest concern is how inconvenient it is to pick me up and drop me off during rush hour, when that is the time you told me to book, why on earth did you invite me out? And why would I subject myself to that, and spend hundreds of dollars, for an event I can attend in my own city a few months later?"

 

But that is totally petty and bratty of me, isn't it? To even think about cancelling over this?

 

(I would get a credit with the airline for a future ticket, and have not spent anything yet for hotel, so if I cancel I will be out nothing at this point. If I go, it's $500 even before spending money is factored in, which is a lot for us)(she was already fully booked and going, regardless, so neither will she be out any additional money if I am not there to split the hotel with her)

 

Somebody tell me to put on my big girl pants and go see my friend, no matter how inconsiderate she's being, or else tell me it's not unreasonable, at all, to cancel based on this.

Edited February 9, 2017 by TheReader

[Barb_]

That would be enough for me to cancel. Your feelings are valid.

[FriedClams]

I'd cancel. I would also pray about the friendship and what direction it needs to go, and how to handle that (being forthright when asked why you're canceling, etc.). It sounds like a hard, frustrating situation all astound.

[Janie Grace]

I'd cancel. You're not being bratty. She sounds supremely selfish.

[MysteryJen]

FWIW, I would feel the same way. But, if you cancel, is she going to feel like her friendship is worthless? Are you? Is it worth ending the relationship over?

 

I don't know what I would do. Probably go, and then feel annoyed and stressed.

[wintermom]

She asked you to come to her area, she was asked ahead of time about flights which were convenient for her, now she should be flexible. You should tell her this. Is she always this difficult? It looks like you are always accommodating her, but now I'd attempt to push your case and just see what she does. 

Edited February 9, 2017 by wintermom

[TheReader]

I'd cancel. I would also pray about the friendship and what direction it needs to go, and how to handle that (being forthright when asked why you're canceling, etc.). It sounds like a hard, frustrating situation all astound.

That is the hard part. My DH has a work trip out of the country the week prior to this event, and just realized he needs to add three days onto one end of the trip. He can add the days to either end; if he adds them at the last part of his trip, it makes it back-to-back with my trip, which gives me a convenient, and true, reason to cancel....but avoids talking to her about this.

 

I am praying about that and debating with myself whether to open the can of worms and discuss all of this, or take the easy way out and blame it on his unexpected change to his travel schedule (which she's used to; his trips are often last minute, etc...).

[Lawana]

I, too, would cancel. You are not being petty.

[alisoncooks]

Well call me petty, too. Take that credit and fly yourself to a relaxing beach or something!

[sassenach]

Your feelings are valid. Totally.

 

I would probably respond something like:  I will make it work and I understand your need to set some boundaries on your time, however, I did try to very clearly communicate with you before I booked my flights. I am honestly a little bothered that you didn't figure this out sooner. When you come out, I jump through a lot of hoops to accommodate your needs. It feels like you are unwilling to do the same for me. That said, I love you and I look forward to getting time with you. 

 

I added that last part because when I imagine myself in this situation, going and friendship would still win out for me. I wouldn't be able to go without being honest about my annoyance. I am a very direct communicator, but also have the ability to move on pretty quickly. That's just me. I would also probably end up calling, rather than emailing the above.

 

 

[Annie G]

I'd feel the same way you feel. But perhaps throw the ball into her court...reply that you are disappointed to hear that picking you up is inconvenient since you booked the flights she requested that you take.  And just see what she says- don't say anything else and don't elaborate more.

I think her response will be telling. If she's snippy and says fine, she'll pick you up....canceling the trip might be the best move. But if she realizes that she's not being a good friend, maybe you can salvage the trip. 

 

I'm sorry- it sounds like a really annoying situation to be in!

 

 

[TheReader]

She asked you to come to her area, she was asked ahead of time about flights which were convenient for her, now she should be flexible. You should tell her this. Is she always this difficult?

I don't know.

 

Usually, she comes here, for many reasons. This would be my first time to go to her area. Perhaps she feels like it is high time I come to her? Perhaps she is on a forum somewhere complaining that her long distance friend never travels to see her, always makes her do the traveling?

 

I definitely started to feel after last year's event that things were different. The first two times she came, she came to see me, and we went to the event. This time, it was pretty clear that she came to the event, and incidentally to see me. If that makes sense. Prior visits were about two friends visiting, and this event was just an activity we chose to do. This last visit was very much about the event, and seeing friends was just the bonus.

 

Also In previous years, she has voiced not wanting to "share" me/her time with me with seeing our other friends in the area. This past year, somewhere between the time we made our plans and the event actually arrived, she flip-flopped on that, and her plans for the event in my area later this year already include two other mutual friends, much more than she has ever included them in the past.

 

So...I wouldn't say difficult, I don't think...or I haven't had opportunity to see that side of her. But different lately, yes.

[Garga]

 

 

 

I didn't read your last post before mine posted.  I'm deleting because the situation is different now in light of the most recent post.

Edited February 9, 2017 by Garga

[TammyinTN]

I would cancel for sure!

 

[Miss Tick]

Depends on you and how much you value the friend. I think you can either cancel and probably write off the friendship or you can decide that she is being a jerk, but that you will be able to get past it and go anyway.

 

Thus ignores the value of the big event to you, though. I wonder if you could have her pick you up (at her convenience - eyeroll), enjoy the event together, but then pay for transportation to the airport do that you can stay for the end after she leaves. That way you get to see the last session about brain surgery/olde English/scrapbooking/whatever.

 

Sorry about the frustration.

[TheReader]

FWIW, I would feel the same way. But, if you cancel, is she going to feel like her friendship is worthless? Are you? Is it worth ending the relationship over?

 

I don't know what I would do. Probably go, and then feel annoyed and stressed.

This is a really big concern of mine. If I am able to blame it on my dh's work trip, I can probably salvage the friendship. If I am honest about why I am cancelling.....I don't know. :(

[katilac]

Your feelings are valid. Totally.

 

I would probably respond something like:  I will make it work and I understand your need to set some boundaries on your time, however, I did try to very clearly communicate with you before I booked my flights. I am honestly a little bothered that you didn't figure this out sooner. When you come out, I jump through a lot of hoops to accommodate your needs. It feels like you are unwilling to do the same for me. That said, I love you and I look forward to getting time with you. 

 

I added that last part because when I imagine myself in this situation, going and friendship would still win out for me. I wouldn't be able to go without being honest about my annoyance. I am a very direct communicator, but also have the ability to move on pretty quickly. That's just me. I would also probably end up calling, rather than emailing the above.

 

This is what I would want to do and what I would recommend for you. In real life, however, I'd probably just cancel, lol, saying that the trip is just getting a little too complicated and expensive, so I'm going to do something else with the money, have fun, see you soon! 

 

Edited to add that I might also blame it on dh's work trip, and then draw some harder boundaries on accommodating her in the future. But at this point, I'd probably feel like I wasn't going to truly enjoy the trip no matter what, so I'd cancel one way or the other.

Edited February 9, 2017 by katilac

[TheReader]

Depends on you and how much you value the friend. I think you can either cancel and probably write off the friendship or you can decide that she is being a jerk, but that you will be able to get past it and go anyway.

 

Thus ignores the value of the big event to you, though. I wonder if you could have her pick you up (at her convenience - eyeroll), enjoy the event together, but then pay for transportation to the airport do that you can stay for the end after she leaves. That way you get to see the last session about brain surgery/olde English/scrapbooking/whatever.

 

Sorry about the frustration.

I would honestly not attend the event if not for spending time with her. The one near me is bigger, more heavily attended, has more options for fun, education, etc, and better.

 

The only reason, for me, for this trip was to spend time with her. The event just happens to be the venue where she'll be, and saves her having to come get me from the airport to take me to her house (5 hrs round trip). In other words, even going to visit her during this event was more about lessening the inconvenience to her than about me also wanting to attend the event.

 

I am really soul searching to see if I do still value this friendship....or if I still feel valued in this friendship. That would be the only reason I would still go.

[Garga]

I don't know.

 

Usually, she comes here, for many reasons. This would be my first time to go to her area. Perhaps she feels like it is high time I come to her? Perhaps she is on a forum somewhere complaining that her long distance friend never travels to see her, always makes her do the traveling?

 

I definitely started to feel after last year's event that things were different. The first two times she came, she came to see me, and we went to the event. This time, it was pretty clear that she came to the event, and incidentally to see me. If that makes sense. Prior visits were about two friends visiting, and this event was just an activity we chose to do. This last visit was very much about the event, and seeing friends was just the bonus.

 

Also In previous years, she has voiced not wanting to "share" me/her time with me with seeing our other friends in the area. This past year, somewhere between the time we made our plans and the event actually arrived, she flip-flopped on that, and her plans for the event in my area later this year already include two other mutual friends, much more than she has ever included them in the past.

 

So...I wouldn't say difficult, I don't think...or I haven't had opportunity to see that side of her. But different lately, yes.

 

Something has changed, then.  It could be personal or it could not.  Perhaps she's realizing she needs to branch out more with other people and that has nothing to do with you.  Or perhaps she is not as into your friendship as she was in the past.

 

You might be right about how she feels she has to do all the traveling.  It's really expensive to travel.  Does she make a lot more money than you?  Or is it a hardship for her to travel?  Maybe she doesn't get exactly what a financial hardship it is to you compared to her (if it is).  And money aside, maybe she's resentful of all the hours she has to spend packing and getting a ride to the airport and waiting in lines (arriving 2 hours early) and all the effort that goes into traveling.  It's exhausting.

 

 

I think I'd tell her you simply can't sit in an airport for 6 extra hours over the weekend.  Something like, "Well, Sally, this is a problem.  You can't get to me through the traffic, and I just can't sit in an airport for 6 hours: that's like a level of hell or something.  DH is getting back from his trip right when I'm supposed to be leaving.  I'm considering cancelling the whole thing.  It just doesn't seem to be working.  What do you think?"

 

And see what she says.  

 

Does she often drive in rush hour?  My MIL is terrified of rush hour traffic.  She talks about it all the time. If we're going to go out somewhere during the evening it's all, "But we'd better leave early to avoid rush hour traffic."  

 

It's just not a big deal to me, but to her, it's something to be avoided At All Costs.  Your friend could honestly not be viewing this as a little bit of traffic, but as a very dangerous driving situation that she doesn't feel equipped to handle.

Edited February 9, 2017 by Garga

[Reefgazer]

Don't wait for me to tell you to suck it up - you'll be a long time waiting.  I'd cancel.

[StephanieZ]

Some people are just not very considerate. The rest of us are considerate in general, but sometimes stuff happens or we miscommunicate and so our actions aren't very nice, even though we really do have good intentions and manage to be nice the vast majority of the time. 

 

This is your friend, so only you can judge if this is out-of-ordinary behavior for her, and she's really a great friend nearly all the time.

 

If that's the case, then I'd go, pay for the uber, and not think about it again. Time will tell if this was a one-off or is a pattern. The easiest way to know is to show grace and ignore this lapse of consideration . . . For a long term, dear friend, that's a small investment of grace. 

 

If she's often a self-centered dork, then cancel your plans, stay home, and invest your time and energy into relationships that are more positive. 

 

All that said, it seems to me that the vast majority of times, it turns out that there were misunderstandings or simple lapses of judgment that make people behave in rude ways. Also, sometimes there are explanations you can't know yet and/or ever. I.e., a creeping up illness (early dementia caused these sorts of seemingly inconsiderate behaviors in my always-generous-and-kind mom), or a secret ailment (is she having back pain or dealing with incontinence or some other issue that she just now realizes would make the long drive during rush hour very stressful?), or a family issue (argument with spouse or adult child who now insists that her plans to drive around during rush hour are unwise/not ok) . . . Oh, there are so many issues that can explain bad behavior. 

 

So, if you want to keep the friendship, go on the trip, use uber, and don't sweat it. Be extra kind and tell yourself that there are things you don't know that explain the behaviors. 

 

If you skip the trip, I'd consider the friendship toast. 

 

The final option is to speak frankly and kindly about the issue . . . This always *seems* like a good idea to me, but in practice, because of the paragraph above explaining possible explanations that may not be explain-able . . . it's not always a great idea. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Since it appears that the friendship is starting to die a natural death (people often do move on esp. when the relationship is long-distance), I would cancel due to your husband's trip.  I would go to the event in your own city.  And I would pay more attention to the signs in the friendship.  If it was a friendship that still appeared to be going somewhere, then I would be honest with her about your valid feelings and would talk it out.  If the friendship is indeed changing to an acquaintance level then I wouldn't bother. 

[hjffkj]

I'd be annoyed and would likely cancel. I'd say that her plans changed too much from the original plan that it is now too inconvenient for you to go but would love to make it work next time.

 

For me, flakiness and lack of concern for your convenience would make me want to leave the friendship in her court. She can decide if you cancelling for a legitimate reason is worth ending a friendship over

[fraidycat]

I'd cancel. And now yoy know her true colors. She's a selfish acquaintance, not a dear friend.

[TheReader]

Something has changed, then. It could be personal or it could not. Perhaps she's realizing she needs to branch out more with other people and that has nothing to do with you. Or perhaps she is not as into your friendship as she was in the past.

 

You might be right about how she feels she has to do all the traveling. It's really expensive to travel. Does she make a lot more money than you? Or is it a hardship for her to travel? Maybe she doesn't get exactly what a financial hardship it is to you compared to her (if it is). And money aside, maybe she's resentful of all the hours she has to spend packing and getting a ride to the airport and waiting in lines (arriving 2 hours early) and all the effort that goes into traveling. It's exhausting.

 

 

I think I'd tell her you simply can't sit in an airport for 6 extra hours over the weekend. Something like, "Well, Sally, this is a problem. You can't get to me through the traffic, and I just can't sit in an airport for 6 hours. That's like a level of hell or something. DH is getting back from his trip right when I'm supposed to be leaving. I'm considering cancelling the whole thing. It just doesn't seem to be working. What do you think?"

 

And see what she says.

 

Does she often drive in rush hour? My MIL is terrified of rush hour traffic. She talks about it all the time. If we're going to go out somewhere during the evening it's all, "But we'd better leave early to avoid rush hour traffic."

 

It's just not a big deal to me, but to her, it's something to be avoided At All Costs. Your friend could honestly not be viewing this as a little bit of traffic, but as a very dangerous driving situation that she doesn't feel equipped to handle.

Re:the travel -- yes, she has her own income aside from her dh's income, that is only spent for events such as this. Part of it is a business write off for her, as well, as she earns her income through the industry that the event is about. Whereas, for me, the travel comes out of the family budget and we have a kid in college, another one behind him, and one in therapy, etc...

 

Her kids are grown and out, mine are not, so this is why (the $ and schedule) she has always come here. I have given her travel vouchers before towards her flight, though, we split the hotel each time, my DH dropped us off/picked us up last time so we could save the parking fees, I made her breakfasts and lunches last time so she would have safe foods to eat and cut down on costs (she was going to try and bring them, but that sounded ridiculous to me so I offered to do it instead). And even with the involvement of the other two friends, it is me who she relies on to get her to/from the airport (2 hrs round trip) each time. So....I know she has borne the brunt of the hassle with the travel, but I have done everything I can to minimize it for her on my end, within the confines of my situation.

 

Re: rush hour traffic, she doesn't drive in it much, but has stressed to me over and over and over again she always prefers to be the one driving, if possible, rather than others. She has driven in it enough. Her dd lives in the city, and she goes in/out often to see her, at all times. So....it isn't a person who has never done it and is terrified, which I understand, but a person who has done it, knows how to do it, and dislikes "creeping along at 5 mph" (her words).

 

And really, truly, honestly -- I don't mind the extra time in the airport that much. I mind, terribly, that this was all phrased in such a way as to convince me of how terribly stressful and awful it would be, for her, to have to get me at the agreed upon time, with zero mention, at all, of how equally awful it must be for me to then sit in the airport for ages.

 

I mind that I specifically asked about leaving early, as she has now decided to do, and was told no, it's too early. I would have (and if I still go, I will switch) booked the earlier flight home, for sure, if she had agreed then to leaving the venue at the time she now says we are leaving. I mind that when it was my request, it was a no go, but now that it is her request, it is a done deal.

 

I mind that I was pretty upfront with her, double and triple checking, about needing to come into that airport, and needing her to pick me up, in order to afford the trip at all....yet when she realized the traffic issue, her immediate and pretty strongly worded solution was for me to add the expense of a taxi (it is likely to be an hour drive from airport to the venue, so not a really cheap taxi). If I could have afforded that, I would have simply flown into the near airport and taken the shuttle from there to the venue, but I was pretty upfront that adding that cost would make the trip cost prohibitive for me.

 

Now, she might not really get that. She has her own money, so her travels and things don't come from the family budget. And she hears everything from me, including my DH buying trees, and taking us out to eat, and various assorted things like that at the drop of a hat, so she might not realize that spending this amount of money all at once is a big deal for us. And that me, choosing to spend my surprise money on a trip to go see her, was a big deal. That means going to see her, instead of putting it towards a laptop, or saving it to spend at the event when she comes here, or going clothes shopping for myself, or.....any number of other things I could do, but chose not to so I could go see her.

 

I don't know. I don't know, at all, what has changed. I have a feeling I need to probably talk to her about it....but I so don't want to. I hate confrontation.

 

I did reply that it is not in my budget to take a taxi, but I don't mind waiting at the airport. I don't know if that was a mistake or not. If she continues to tell me how stressful it will be, I will have my answer. If she says she understands, no worries, then maybe things will be okay.

 

I really don't want to cancel....but I also really don't want to go anymore, either. I feel like this is going to be a turning point in our friendship, and I am unlikely to be happy with the result. :(

[Corraleno]

I would cancel the trip, using your DH's trip as an excuse, and just let things be for a while. It sounds like she's already making plans to come visit you later in the year, so that will probably give you a better idea of whether you want to continue the friendship or not.

[Katy]

She is being selfish.  Your feelings are valid.  I'm not sure your feelings are worth ending the relationship over, but I'd never go out of your way for her again.  Next time she comes to town, explain she'll just have to get an uber and a hotel room, because it just doesn't work for you.  No matter how she tries to arrange it, it doesn't work for you.

 

OTOH, if this is a final straw in a pattern of an unbalanced friendship, I'd end the relationship.  She clearly cares less about you than you care about her.   And she knows she's wrong or she wouldn't have written such a ridiculously long email.

[Alicia64]

I don't think you're nuts at all. The older I get the more I see her behavior as someone who doesn't "get" how to be a friend.

 

I wouldn't blame you in the least for cancelling. I'd likely cancel too.

 

Alley

[aggie96]

I would cancel citing your husband's trip.  I would not burn bridges even if the bridge is naturally deteriorating.  Never burn bridges unless it merits some serious TNT.  This does not in my opinion.  Natural consequence of a long-distance relationship.

[The Governess]

I would probably say something like this:

 

Is everything okay? I tried to make this trip as convenient for you as I could, but it sounds like it is still becoming stressful for you, and I would hate to be a burden if you are already overwhelmed with other things. Honestly, the whole point in my coming out is to spend some time with you; I miss you and am really looking forward to it, but maybe this is not the best time for you?

 

Maybe she has other stuff in her life that she is struggling with and the stress of that is spilling over. I would be a concerned friend first before writing things off, and see what sort of response you get.

[AnniePoo]

Why is nobody suggesting you talk to her first? Sucking it up or ending the friendship are not the only two options. Talk to her! That's what I'd want a friend to do to me before making friendship-altering assumptions. This is not to say that I find her behavior great though. I'd be hurt too.

[gardenmom5]

wow.   so thoughtful of her to suggest a taxi or uber - is she also willing to pay for them???

 

I think you're seeing how much of a 'friend" she actually considers you.   it's up to you if you cancel or not (and what the airline would have to say about your tickets.).   I'm sorry.

[Catwoman]

I would probably say something like this:

Is everything okay? I tried to make this trip as convenient for you as I could, but it sounds like it is still becoming stressful for you, and I would hate to be a burden if you are already overwhelmed with other things. Honestly, the whole point in my coming out is to spend some time with you; I miss you and am really looking forward to it, but maybe this is not the best time for you?

Maybe she has other stuff in her life that she is struggling with and the stress of that is spilling over. I would be a concerned friend first before writing things off, and see what sort of response you get.

I think this is an excellent idea. And call her -- don't text or email. You need to hear her voice in order to avoid misunderstanding her intentions, and she needs to hear your voice so she doesn't get the wrong idea about what you're saying, either.

 

What if you cancel and end the friendship, only to find out that something traumatic is happening in her life and that's why she seems so distracted and inflexible? OTOH, what if you go to the trouble of traveling to see her, only to find out she is a selfish person who doesn't spend much time with you anyway and who doesn't value your friendship as much as you value hers?

 

If you really don't want to talk about it with her, I would suggest you contact her and cancel, using the excuse about your dh. That way, you can wait until she is in your area to see if it's worth trying to maintain the friendship.

 

Honestly, after reading your OP, I got an inkling that she might be hoping you would cancel. She seemed to be going out of her way to make things difficult and inconvenient for you, and a real friend wouldn't do that, particularly since you've gone out of your way to make things easier for her when she was the one making the long trip.

[TheReader]

Why is nobody suggesting you talk to her first? Sucking it up or ending the friendship are not the only two options. Talk to her! That's what I'd want a friend to do to me before making friendship-altering assumptions. This is not to say that I find her behavior great though. I'd be hurt too.

 

 

I think this is an excellent idea. And call her -- don't text or email. You need to hear her voice in order to avoid misunderstanding her intentions, and she needs to hear your voice so she doesn't get the wrong idea about what you're saying, either.

 

What if you cancel and end the friendship, only to find out that something traumatic is happening in her life and that's why she seems so distracted and inflexible? OTOH, what if you go to the trouble of traveling to see her, only to find out she is a selfish person who doesn't spend much time with you anyway and who doesn't value your friendship as much as you value hers?

 

If you really don't want to talk about it with her, I would suggest you contact her and cancel, using the excuse about your dh. That way, you can wait until she is in your area to see if it's worth trying to maintain the friendship.

 

Honestly, after reading your OP, I got an inkling that she might be hoping you would cancel. She seemed to be going out of her way to make things difficult and inconvenient for you, and a real friend wouldn't do that, particularly since you've gone out of your way to make things easier for her when she was the one making the long trip.

 

I am glad you both (all) spoke up, all of you who suggest talking to her. I do need to. I hate confrontation, but yes, I need to talk to her. 

 

Fridays are usually a good day for phone calls, so I will try and make that happen tomorrow. For  now, because I am not ready to burn bridges over this, I replied that I understand the traffic concerns, and will wait for her at the airport until she arrives. We'll see how that is received and what the reply is after that. Ugh. 

 

I do wonder if she asked me, never expecting me to say yes. She's asked me before for various similar events, it's never been feasible. At all. This time, I had the funds for the plane ticket, DH agreed to cover the hotel from our family budget, and I just jumped on it without thinking too much and with only a few short phone calls between me and her. She was busy at the time, and maybe said yes without thinking it through. The tone of her email suggesting the taxi was just so very odd.....it's unlike her to not at least acknowledge, "Hey, I know I said this would be okay, but I realized when I was in that area this weekend that......would it be okay if.....? I know it's a pain, but..." If she'd phrased it that way, we wouldn't even be having this discussion. 

 

Compounded on top of some of the other things I mentioned up thread.....I really need to call and find out what's going on. Something has changed or is changing, and this is just one more piece of the puzzle, but I don't see the full picture yet. Bleh. I hate conversations like that. :( Wish me luck....

[Catwoman]

Good luck! :grouphug:

 

One thing I would suggest is that you make sure to give her a way out, in case something has come up and she doesn't really want to attend the event this time around. She might have felt obligated to ask you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings, but assumed you would say no -- as usual -- and now she may be wishing she hadn't asked you so she could stay at home, too.

Edited February 10, 2017 by Catwoman

[SKL]

I would see if I could change my flights.  Also I would see about the uber.  I don't think it's a huge deal for her to ask you to find a ride from the airport that is out of her way.  It was nice of her to try to make it work, but she now realizes it isn't going to work.  Unless there is more about the friendship bothering you, I would not let this bug me a ton.

[Donna]

When she comes your way, do you make plans around her convenience?

 

She invited you and you asked her which times would be most convenient for her before you booked your tickets. It seems she has not taken into account your feelings or what might/might not be convenient for you. I do not think you are being bratty or petty. It is costing you a lot of money to go and changing plans on you so you have to spend more or wait around an airport for six hours it ridiculous. She could at least make one way of your trip more convenient for you or have thought about the traffic issues when you originally asked about flights.

 

If it were me, I would speak to her about it but would lean toward cancelling my trip if I felt things were going to be strange...but that's just me. I would rather not go at all than to feel weird once there especially if it were a stretch financially.

 

[heartlikealion]

 

 

For many reasons, she has always traveled to see me, at the event held in my metro area. During it, I have always accommodated her travel schedule based on what works for her.

 

She's not traveling to your event specifically to see you. She has a list of reasons and based on her behavior I'm not even sure how high on the list you are. Stating that to say, don't feel like you have to bend over backwards for her. She has seen you multiple? times and never arranged her own transportation. How convenient for her.

 

Given that you won't lose credit for your flight, I would heavily lean toward canceling. Is there an expiration on your credit? That is what would concern me the most.

[Carol in Cal.]

I don't know that I would want to have a 'relationship talk' over the phone.

 

I think I would cancel based on my husband's schedule, and say, let's talk soon!

 

And then I would call and say that she seemed stressed out to me, and ask if everything is OK.  And if she brushed that off, I'd make conversation about something interesting and non-controversial, like the book I am currently reading on the Persian/Greek wars, and how unexpectedly fascinating it is, giving maybe two examples of why that is so, and then ask what's new with her?  And then leave the convo and think about how it 'felt'.  Then I'd decide what to do about the friendship after all of that, maybe have a relationship talk, maybe not.

[TheReader]

She's not traveling to your event specifically to see you. She has a list of reasons and based on her behavior I'm not even sure how high on the list you are. Stating that to say, don't feel like you have to bend over backwards for her. She has seen you multiple? times and never arranged her own transportation. How convenient for her.

 

Given that you won't lose credit for your flight, I would heavily lean toward canceling. Is there an expiration on your credit? That is what would concern me the most.

Well, until this past year, the trips were always to see me. When I said "for many reasons" I meant reasons why she travels my direction instead of reasons I travel her direction. Things like she has her own income, I do not; her kids are grown and out of the house, I am still very actively homeschooling first few times she came to my state where times we were in fact visiting from when we lived in Brazil and it simply wasn't possible for me, in our 3 was in the US, to get up to her state (but I could and did spend a few days staying in a hotel with her instead of with my family); stuff like that.

 

Only the last three times (once I was living here permanently) did we add the event, and only last year did things flip to where it became obvious she was, in fact, here for the event and to see all her friends in the area, of which I am one, vs. previous years when she came to see me, specifically limited her time with others in order to maximize her time with me, etc. Which....I guess is to say, yes, you are right. Huh. I hadn't actually thought of it that way until just now....her visits really are no longer about seeing me, and I don't think I am as high on the priority list as I thought I was. Ouch. (Not directed at you, at all...just....ugh.)

 

Thanks for pointing it out. Sincerely.

 

The credit on the airline will expire in a year; my DH has multiple trips always in the back of his head, so I am sure we'll have no trouble using it. Possibly even I could use it to attend an out of state graduation I was going to skip....now that those dollars are tied up in air fare, maybe this gives me an excuse to do that instead. And, honestly, he already told me if I want to cancel, we'll eat the loss of the money; he is pretty amazingly supportive.

[Starr]

Maybe she's more self centered than you thought. 

[heartlikealion]

I am glad you both (all) spoke up, all of you who suggest talking to her. I do need to. I hate confrontation, but yes, I need to talk to her. 

 

Fridays are usually a good day for phone calls, so I will try and make that happen tomorrow. For  now, because I am not ready to burn bridges over this, I replied that I understand the traffic concerns, and will wait for her at the airport until she arrives. We'll see how that is received and what the reply is after that. Ugh. 

 

I do wonder if she asked me, never expecting me to say yes. She's asked me before for various similar events, it's never been feasible. At all. This time, I had the funds for the plane ticket, DH agreed to cover the hotel from our family budget, and I just jumped on it without thinking too much and with only a few short phone calls between me and her. She was busy at the time, and maybe said yes without thinking it through. The tone of her email suggesting the taxi was just so very odd.....it's unlike her to not at least acknowledge, "Hey, I know I said this would be okay, but I realized when I was in that area this weekend that......would it be okay if.....? I know it's a pain, but..." If she'd phrased it that way, we wouldn't even be having this discussion. 

 

Compounded on top of some of the other things I mentioned up thread.....I really need to call and find out what's going on. Something has changed or is changing, and this is just one more piece of the puzzle, but I don't see the full picture yet. Bleh. I hate conversations like that. :( Wish me luck....

 

Of course talking to her sounds reasonable, but based on my (limited) experience it may just cause a fight and resolve nothing. I had a close friend that was living out of state when my son was born. He was going to turn one when she was going to be in state. I invited her to the party noting it might be too far for her. She was going to be staying at her parents' home several cities away. Well, she asked for the address and I told her that the distance might be a problem. She said she was going to program her GPS and she was coming. Then when it was like the day of the party or the day before she said she was really tired from her traveling and it was further than she thought. I was very irritated. I felt like I had already addressed most of that and she failed to recognize the problem. Then she guilted me about how she had his birthday gift and I needed to get it. I arranged to meet her somewhere that was out of my way but somewhat of a compromise location. The whole ordeal was stupid because he wouldn't notice if he didn't get a gift and I wouldn't have cared if she returned the item, but I was trying to I dunno smooth things over. It could be that nothing has changed. You just didn't see her true colors because you've never opposed anything she suggested? Primarily been on the giving end maybe?

 

This reminded me of your friend. With a friend like that, they don't mean any harm, but they might cause hurt feelings and let you down (not to say others can't do that. I'm sure we all have at some point). It's probably not fair for me to say this, but if I were in your shoes I would worry that she'd begrudgingly agree to the transportation and then possibly flake out. Could get sick or something. I literally had that happen to me once. My sister was supposed to drive me to the airport and came down with the flu. I ended up paying for a service. If this were you, how would you feel? Would you be okay with that scenario? Or would you wish you had just canceled?

[heartlikealion]

Well, until this past year, the trips were always to see me. When I said "for many reasons" I meant reasons why she travels my direction instead of reasons I travel her direction. Things like she has her own income, I do not; her kids are grown and out of the house, I am still very actively homeschooling first few times she came to my state where times we were in fact visiting from when we lived in Brazil and it simply wasn't possible for me, in our 3 was in the US, to get up to her state (but I could and did spend a few days staying in a hotel with her instead of with my family); stuff like that.

 

Only the last three times (once I was living here permanently) did we add the event, and only last year did things flip to where it became obvious she was, in fact, here for the event and to see all her friends in the area, of which I am one, vs. previous years when she came to see me, specifically limited her time with others in order to maximize her time with me, etc. Which....I guess is to say, yes, you are right. Huh. I hadn't actually thought of it that way until just now....her visits really are no longer about seeing me, and I don't think I am as high on the priority list as I thought I was. Ouch. (Not directed at you, at all...just....ugh.)

 

Thanks for pointing it out. Sincerely.

 

The credit on the airline will expire in a year; my DH has multiple trips always in the back of his head, so I am sure we'll have no trouble using it. Possibly even I could use it to attend an out of state graduation I was going to skip....now that those dollars are tied up in air fare, maybe this gives me an excuse to do that instead. And, honestly, he already told me if I want to cancel, we'll eat the loss of the money; he is pretty amazingly supportive.

 

you posted this while I was writing my second novel. Sorry.

 

I'm happy to hear that so much of her focus was on visiting with you. I guess some of her priorities shifted over time and I would try not to take it too personally but just make a mental note that it's okay if yours do, too. I'm so glad to hear your husband is being so supportive about it all.

 

[TheReader]

When she comes your way, do you make plans around her convenience?

 

She invited you and you asked her which times would be most convenient for her before you booked your tickets. It seems she has not taken into account your feelings or what might/might not be convenient for you. I do not think you are being bratty or petty. It is costing you a lot of money to go and changing plans on you so you have to spend more or wait around an airport for six hours it ridiculous. She could at least make one way of your trip more convenient for you or have thought about the traffic issues when you originally asked about flights.

 

If it were me, I would speak to her about it but would lean toward cancelling my trip if I felt things were going to be strange...but that's just me. I would rather not go at all than to feel weird once there especially if it were a stretch financially.

Re: your first question -- yes. Always. She sets her travel times and we pick her up.

 

She picks the hotel (she let me choose last year, but has already and without consulting me booked her preferred, and much more expensive, hotel for the coming year's event here).

 

She usually chooses restaurants, and when we eat at the event, she found the perfect spot outside to eat so she can get some sun.

 

She generally decides what day she wants to spend in classes at the event, and I coordinate mine around that.

 

This last time, she only stayed at my house the night the event ended, and flew out the next day. The times before that we had spent nights at my house and gone to the event during the day but not stayed the whole time in the hotel (first time, one night in the hotel; second time, two nights, not back to back; this last time was the third time and we spent all three nights in the hotel).

 

And the last time, my DH drove us and saved her/me the parking fees.

 

Also, I (offered when she said she was going to try and do this) made her boiled eggs and chicken wraps for breakfast and lunch to have, rather than her making them the day before, hauling them the many hours of travel unrefrigerated, etc. With me making them, they could be done that day and remain refrigerated except the one hour in the car (in an insulated lunch bag).

 

Writing this all out makes her sound more selfish than she is.....but yes, I do accommodate her needs/desires when she comes here and keep things as convenient as possible. I have always felt I should, as one, I am serving as her hostess, and two, she is the one going to the expense of flying here. It has always seemed like the least I could do.

 

Maybe I have set her up/set myself up for her to assume I would always give in to her needs? And she doesn't see it as dependent on who is hosting whom, but just the roles in our relationship?

[TheReader]

you posted this while I was writing my second novel. Sorry.

 

I'm happy to hear that so much of her focus was on visiting with you. I guess some of her priorities shifted over time and I would try not to take it too personally but just make a mental note that it's okay if yours do, too. I'm so glad to hear your husband is being so supportive about it all.

 

No worries. :)

 

Yes, in the scenario you described above, I'd be ticked. My dad did that to me once, when we were coming in from Brazil. We arranged time/date of arrival to his state based on his preferences and assurances he would pick us up at the airport. He ended up mailing us a spare key to his truck, dropping it at the airport with an empty gas tank, and texting us the parking location when we landed. I'm kind of still bitter.

 

This feels kind of too familiar.....

[Carol in Cal.]

It occurs to me that she might just be more into her business now, for some reason.  Maybe she is contacting your other mutual friends more in order to network or make sales, or develop a downline, or something.  There might be good reasons for this, like maybe that income is becoming increasingly crucial, or maybe she is just enjoying it more than before.  She does get to write everything off, and that is a great convenience.  It doesn't necessarily mean that she likes you less, but more so that she has to be at the top of her game at conferences of this type, and so she has less time for pure friendly pursuits. 

 

It might be better to detach your visits from the conference a bit--maybe ask her to stay on for a couple of days beyond the next one in your area so you can really hang out.

[SKL]

She's paid for flights to visit you lots of times, I am sure most of those flights were neither free nor completely convenient.  Imagine how it would feel if you'd done something 10x for somebody and then when they did it 1x for you, they did it grudgingly and with strings attached.  And then blamed you if everything wasn't easy for them.

[heartlikealion]

She's paid for flights to visit you lots of times, I am sure most of those flights were neither free nor completely convenient.  Imagine how it would feel if you'd done something 10x for somebody and then when they did it 1x for you, they did it grudgingly and with strings attached.  And then blamed you if everything wasn't easy for them.

 

Her friend picked out her own flights and determined when the OP picked her up. I am guessing they were fairly convenient times since she did all the shot calling.

 

[DawnM]

I don;t have any true close friends who would act that way.  I would not act that way towards someone I genuinely wanted to see.

 

In your case, I would cancel.

[TheReader]

She's paid for flights to visit you lots of times, I am sure most of those flights were neither free nor completely convenient. Imagine how it would feel if you'd done something 10x for somebody and then when they did it 1x for you, they did it grudgingly and with strings attached. And then blamed you if everything wasn't easy for them.

I do understand this aspect, but honestly I have done everything in my power to accommodate her when she flies in, including, at times, helping to pay for her flight.

 

I am asking about it here and talking it through precisely so I don't seem grumpy or upset or angry when I talk to her, whether I end up going or not.

 

But I suppose I do "blame her" for making it more inconvenient on me than necessary, since I did specifically ask her to choose between flight options, booked what she told me to book, and now she is telling me she will actually pick me up and drop me off at basically the exact times that would have allowed me the more convenient flights. Who, exactly, am I supposed to blame that on, if not the person who was calling the shots?