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Can you avoid the "empty nest" syndrome when a kiddo leaves?


BlsdMama
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When oldest DD started college, I admit it, I had a rough time.  I was used to her being around a LOT and missed her. (I'm a whiner, she still lived at home these past three years, FYI.)

So, fast forward to now, she is getting married in April and in August they are moving 2.5 hours away.  At the same time, DS is going to move into the dorms an hour away.

I fully realize that my kids are closer than most and that I should just be grateful.  However, I spend a good part of my life investing in my older kids - activities, chatting, etc.  
I have other kids, I have hobbies.  I  am just trying to figure out how I can just not miss them so much.  

 

I've really adjusted to DD not being here as much - school, work, etc.  But these two really set the mood in the house a lot and I thrive off that - the gap is going to be incredibly noticeable.  Sigh.  I am so happy for them but I am really going to miss having everyone under one roof.

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Many hugs mama :grouphug: it is hard to see a special relationship change. At least in our day communication is easy!

 

I'm going to offer some thoughts that, while they can't take away the grief of losing your children's in-person closeness, might help you see a positive side for yourself and your family.

 

From the perspective of a third child (of ten):

 

These kids need to move on not just for their own sakes but for the sake of the younger kids. That vacuum that you are worried about needs to happen so that their personalities and relationship with you can mature.

 

My oldest sister was my mom's best friend for years, but her leaving home to go to college was one of the best things that ever happened for me. Her presence in the home had just been so BIG that there had never really been room for me to stretch my wings. When my older siblings were out of the home I grew into the oldest child role and it was so good for me and especially for my relationship with my mother.

 

I don't know what your own family background is, but both dh and I are middle children in large families; our parents were from more average (at least for their generation) size families and my mom was an oldest child herself. I think they were oblivious to much of the dynamics happening in the family that resulted in a sort of smothering for some kids. I don't know how avoidable that is (I'm trying) because there just isn't room for everyone to be either a leader or really an independent agent in a large household. But I am absolutely convinced that, wonderful as helpful, responsible older children are, and much as we mothers love the mutual relationships we develop with them (my own oldest daughter and I have always been so close) it is absolutely critical for not only their own sake but the sake of the family that they move on when they can.

Edited by maize
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:iagree: What Maize said. I really missed dd1 when she left last summer, but it was good for the rest of the kids. We have an awesome trio going and I have loved to get to know dd2 out from the shadow of her older sister. They are so different; it has been so much fun. Ds1 has gotten to be the oldest and he has really stepped up to the responsibility.

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My mom boarded a college student for a few years, had a couple of adult children temporarily move back, then started foster parenting again. That ended with the adoption of my brother and sister who are 9 and 7. Her solution to the empty nest was to find more chicks.

Edited by Ravin
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I had a really difficult time when DD left for college two years ago. I took on new projects at work, but that was only a temporary solution that kept my mind off things. Over the course of the past two years I have done some active soul searching and made plans for the next stage of my life after kids, and I think I will be able to handle it better when DS leaves for college in the fall. I'll still miss him, of course.

For me, the key was to focus on reinventing myself in a role that was not "mother".

best wishes - this is difficult.

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Many hugs mama :grouphug: it is hard to see a special relationship change. At least in our day communication is easy!

 

 

 

 

Thanks for sharing your perspective.  I am super close to DD who is graduating and I know that the closeness I have with her and the crazy busy schedule she provides for me (haha), keeps me from being as close to my younger DD.  

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There's one more aspect to this transition that I think is worth bringing up because it is rarely discussed; that is the disruption and loss experienced by much younger siblings. Watching the interactions between my oldest and youngest daughters, it is clear that from the baby's perspective big sister is rather like a third parent--a big person who has been a nurturing, reliable presence for her entire life. When siblings are far enough apart to have that kind of relationship, having an older sibling leave home is going to be experienced almost as if it were a parent moving out. For the youngest members of a large family, this sort of loss can be experienced repeatedly with little acknowledgment because the child themself is unlikely to be able to analyze and express what they are going through. This is something I have thought about and discussed often with my younger siblings.

 

I think you can help the little ones through this by encouraging frequent contact and supporting the ongoing relationship with the older sibling, similarly to the way a military spouse might during a deployment. Encourage phone calls, video calls, letters (I have a whole binder full of "letters" --mostly crayon drawings--from my younger siblings from the years after I left home), and visits as frequently as circumstances allow. Siblings closer in age may be able to navigate the transitioning relationship in their own way without too much help, but littles can really benefit from parental awareness and support.

Edited by maize
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There's one more aspect to this transition that I think is worth bringing up because it is rarely discussed; that is the disruption and loss experienced by much younger siblings. Watching the interactions between my oldest and youngest daughters, it is clear that from the baby's perspective big sister is rather like a third parent--a big person who has been a nurturing, reliable presence for her entire life. When siblings are far enough apart to have that kind of relationship, having an older sibling leave home is going to be experienced almost as if it were a parent moving out. For the youngest members of a large family, this sort of loss can be experienced repeatedly with little acknowledgment because the child themself is unlikely to be able to analyze and express what they are going through. This is something I have thought about and discussed often with my younger siblings.

 

I think you can help the little ones through this by encouraging frequent contact and supporting the ongoing relationship with the older sibling, similarly to the way a military spouse might during a deployment. Encourage phone calls, video calls, letters (I have a whole binder full of "letters" --mostly crayon drawings--from my younger siblings from the years after I left home), and visits as frequently as circumstances allow. Siblings closer in age may be able to navigate the transitioning relationship in their own way without too much help, but littles can really benefit from parental awareness and support.

This is a great point, Maize. My own experience, though different, was that my daughter experienced a vivid sense of loss and loss of security, even, when her brothers moved out. One moved to rehab and later, her eldest brother went to college. It really shook her. I could see the effects in the way she became a sort of closet controller. She wanted to be in control because she couldn't control those losses. It led to rebellion in a boy-area for lack of a better term... And, it led to some lying, bc she knew we'd take over control if we had found out some of the goings-on. Anyway, good to be aware, Blsdmama. (And Idon't even want to think about HER leaving. 😕)

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Excellent point, Maize. We noticed this with DGD when DS left for college. She regularly voices her concern about him, where he is, what he's doing. Her world changed when he moved away. Just today she mentioned him out of the blue and stated how old she is going to be when he finally graduates and comes home "to make our family perfect." 

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Nope, I don't think you can avoid emty nest syndrome.

 

There are things you can do to lessen it -- making new traditions, being flexible with the old ones, getting involved in new activities, reaching out to friends more, delighting in the opportunity to focus on the younger kids more, etc.

 

But at the end of the day, a child you have spent the past 18 years of your life with has just moved out. That will leave a hole. Period.

 

Empty nest syndrome is a cute name for a period of mourning. A kid moving out is a loss -- no matter how much you are rejoicing over their next step -- so give yourself permission to grieve a bit.

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Maize has great advice and a great perspective on many things. This is what resonates with me in particular: These kids need to move on not just for their own sakes but for the sake of the younger kids. That vacuum that you are worried about needs to happen so that their personalities and relationship with you can mature.

 

I have found that to be so true.  Older dd being gone to college has been a positive for our relationship with younger dd, and a positive for her as a person. Don't get me wrong, we had a good relationship already, and she was a good kid and student already, but that vacuum Maize talks about really does give them room to 'move up,' so to speak, and figure out who they are without the older sibling dynamic. 

 

That doesn't necessarily help poor mom, of course! It does help me a bit because I'm finding it so fun to see parts of dd's personality without the 'filter' of big sis (they are very close and were together pretty constantly). But for missing the ones who are away, I will say that texting and video chatting are wonderful inventions, they have helped so much. 

 

 

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There's one more aspect to this transition that I think is worth bringing up because it is rarely discussed; that is the disruption and loss experienced by much younger siblings. 

 

 

Youngest DS is going to struggle big time with DD leaving.  They are super, super close and DD  has definitely filled a second mama role in his life.  Thanks for the thoughts and tips.

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After my oldest left for college, one of my younger children no longer considered her a sister since she did not live with us. Not something I anticipated, and I found about by accident when the younger child was listing family members for something. 

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It was such a change when my oldest left.  He had such a huge, lively personality, that his presence could be felt everywhere in the house.  Fortunately, during his first year away, the rest of us did a temporary move to try out a new city.  It was a very exciting year, doing lots of very different things we'd never done before.  That certainly helped me take my mind off of my son being gone!  

 

In fact, we've had a lot of years like that ever since (as our other kids left).  Lots of changes and moving around.  If we had just stayed in the same place the whole time and never did anything new, I think it would have been a lot harder.  

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These kids need to move on not just for their own sakes but for the sake of the younger kids. That vacuum that you are worried about needs to happen so that their personalities and relationship with you can mature.

 

My oldest sister was my mom's best friend for years, but her leaving home to go to college was one of the best things that ever happened for me. Her presence in the home had just been so BIG that there had never really been room for me to stretch my wings. When my older siblings were out of the home I grew into the oldest child role and it was so good for me and especially for my relationship with my mother.

 

 

Boy, this was so important for my youngest (#5).  My kids were all very close in age (#5 born when #1 was 6), so I only had a year alone with my youngest before she took off, but that was so very important for her, and for our relationship together.  She was always treated as the baby (not necessarily by me even, but by her siblings), and that year alone with just mom and dad was critical.  It was a very, very special year for us.  Its effects continue today, a few years later.

Edited by J-rap
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I also struggled even though my oldest was living at home (so did his sister). It got better by the time the second semester hit.

 

This year he's working more and taking a class at a neighboring college, so he's not home much in the evening and sometimes misses dinner.

 

Next fall he'll be going further away and probably gone all day at times.

 

And my youngest will be at the community college. So at least I'll have one home a bit more than the other.

 

So for me at least, it's a transition. It does feel strange though after so many years of being together all day, every day.

 

I suspect next fall will be harder, but I have a lot of other things to keep me busy other than homeschooling.

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I've had about three years of transition -- or maybe I should say 10 years of transition, since that's when my oldest left for college.

 

I had #2 move home after college, work locally for a year, and then get a master's at a local college while living at home.

 

And even this fall, after ds1 finally left for the opposite coast and dd2 transferred to a diffferent state, ds2 and his wife spent nearly a month living with us. I think we have a "flexible nest"!

 

But the kids bop in and bop out. People ask if we are considering down-sizing, but since my future dd-in-law's furniture is burying our guest bedroom, I don't think we're ready to downsize just yet!

 

At some point our kids will have houses where we can celebrate Christmas and stay in a guest room. Until then, we're keeping our house, though it may be pretty empty a significant part of the year!

 

I'm beginning to wonder if it takes a decade or more to transition from a full house to a house with no kids relying on it......

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We, too, have a "flexi-nest" (great label, Gwen!), with adult children coming and going. And My husband and children and I are still using my parents' house as a flexi-nest so I don't need to worry about this state of affairs ending soon. It could end at any time but it also has every possibility of continuing until I die. Happily. Yet still, that does not mean that I don't miss the younger version of my children and the relationship that we had. That is gone and there is nothing that will change that. The only thing I can do is try to stay busy and try not to think about it. The holes in my life haven,t gotten any better over time but I have gotten better at avoiding falling into the holes. It would have been a lot worse if I had not started working on the next exciting thing before the last one grew up. That way, they are part of the new thing (even though it has nothing to do with them) and we can talk about it and they can be supportive and most importantly, I wasn't trying to do the hard part of the steep learning curve while I was grieving. Instead, the new thing functioned as an "escaping into one's work" occupation. It also helps if you build a more adult relationship with your older children before they leave. Find a way of touching base frequently that works for you both. Texting works with one of mine but does not at all work with another one. Speakerphone in the car works for him. Find adult interests that you have in common so you have something to talk about and some things that you like to do together, things that you both would do with a friend. Those things keep you from losing the new person as well as the old person. But essentially, no, I don,t think you can avoid the grief.

 

Nan

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There's one more aspect to this transition that I think is worth bringing up because it is rarely discussed; that is the disruption and loss experienced by much younger siblings. Watching the interactions between my oldest and youngest daughters, it is clear that from the baby's perspective big sister is rather like a third parent--a big person who has been a nurturing, reliable presence for her entire life. When siblings are far enough apart to have that kind of relationship, having an older sibling leave home is going to be experienced almost as if it were a parent moving out. For the youngest members of a large family, this sort of loss can be experienced repeatedly with little acknowledgment because the child themself is unlikely to be able to analyze and express what they are going through. This is something I have thought about and discussed often with my younger siblings.

 

 

 

This is something we are facing with oldest DD, who will attend college this fall.  We brought home three little kiddos in November (through International Adoption).  They are 4,4, and 6 and are attaching very closely with all of my young adult biological children.  It is a real concern for the little ones because they too look to her as a third parent of sorts, particularly the 6 year old.  We have begun discussing how to support them through this as well.  It is also one of the reasons DD will likely attend a school closer to home.

 

There is no way around the fact that it is a difficult (yet wonderful) transitional time in a family.

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There's one more aspect to this transition that I think is worth bringing up because it is rarely discussed; that is the disruption and loss experienced by much younger siblings. Watching the interactions between my oldest and youngest daughters, it is clear that from the baby's perspective big sister is rather like a third parent--a big person who has been a nurturing, reliable presence for her entire life. When siblings are far enough apart to have that kind of relationship, having an older sibling leave home is going to be experienced almost as if it were a parent moving out. For the youngest members of a large family, this sort of loss can be experienced repeatedly with little acknowledgment because the child themself is unlikely to be able to analyze and express what they are going through. This is something I have thought about and discussed often with my younger siblings.

 

:iagree:  That is why I am on the fence about "you have to let go of your kid and let them experience life far from home". Not able to seeing my own child as much as I'd like to is one thing, but what about younger siblings? I have 18-year-old DS who will be going to college this year and 5-year-old at the end. Let's say my oldest will attend the college about 20 drive hours away. I don't think I can commit that we will visit him once a month, not even once a year. My youngest only got to spend 5 years with his big brother? He is the one the youngest uses for his piggy back ride. He is the one brushes his teeth. Yeah, my oldest will come in summer and around Christmas. But what about all those little recitals of his younger siblings he is gonna miss? Is it too much hoping that DS'd choose near by college so we can visit him often and he can come home weekend, occasionally? Getting all emotional already here...

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Is it too much hoping that DS'd choose near by college so we can visit him often and he can come home weekend, occasionally? Getting all emotional already here...

 

It's not too much to hope for, but it's too much to expect. 

 

The odds are in your favor - only about 14% of students go more than 500 miles away, and that's 'only' 7 hours (hey, better than 10!). That's how far my oldest is; I really hoped she would be closer, and she actually did too, but it just didn't work out that way. 

 

And over 50% stay within 100 miles! 

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Popping in here from high school boards. My oldest is only 9th grade... but I shouldn't be reading this. Too sad! I can't even imagine. I'll continue putting my hands over my ears and singing. LOL! Fortunately, all my kids thus far indicate a desire to stay in-state and since there are oodles of good schools in California, I'm not one to dissuade them.

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Popping in here from high school boards. My oldest is only 9th grade... but I shouldn't be reading this. Too sad! I can't even imagine. I'll continue putting my hands over my ears and singing. LOL! Fortunately, all my kids thus far indicate a desire to stay in-state and since there are oodles of good schools in California, I'm not one to dissuade them.

 

oh, you should be reading this. The best advice I got (from wise Nan) is to start early making plans so that the preparation for the new phase begins while the kids are still home.

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