Homeschooling ruining parent/child relationship

[Moxie]

My younger sisters were homeschooled. They are grown now. One of them has a strained relationship with our parents and she blames homeschooling.

 

I've shared here about my struggles with my Dementor Daughter. She and I get along great except during school times. I begged her to go to school two years ago when the rest of them went to school but she wanted to continue her homeschool activities. I thought she'd be better at home with all the other kids gone but she is not. She goes to high school next year (THANK GOD) but, right now, I dread every day with her. I worry that in 20 years she'll be the daughter who doesn't want to visit Mom and Dad.

 

Just venting, I guess? Anyone else btdt?

[bettyandbob]

I don't think homeschooling ruins the relationship. Homeschooling can be the venue in which conflicts in the relationship emerge. Without homeschooling such conflicts will probably still exist. Perhaps the conflicts would be less noticeable because the parent child pair are spending less time together. 

 

I have one dc I get along with better when we are apart. Homeschooling that dc was hard. Homeschooling permitted me to understand things about him I would never have noticed in the remotest manner if we had not had that time. Time will tell if he visits us in our old age. He does like to call and text. 

 

There are always going to some personalities that have conflicts. I think it's on the parent to try to learn and understand the conflict, even if the conflict cannot be resolved. In understanding, the parent can make accomodations to reduce interactions that are negative. 

 

I was not homeschooled. I live a half mile from my parents. We have a superficial relationship and I avoid spending a lot of time with them. Nothing to do with homeschool. 

[Scarlett]

Yeah, I worry too, but you just can't over think this stuff or you will go insane.  And I'm half there already.  Just when I got ds16 to a point where he is mostly self sufficient with his school work, dss15 comes to live with us and he is really really struggling with this homeschool/online school stuff.  I picked a super easy curriculum for him and he still struggled a lot.  And his German for semester one is still not completed.  I am about to pull my hair out.  But I just do the checking and let dh do the parenting on it.  Dh and him had a come to Jesus discussion this morning at 7:30 while dh was driving to work.  Dss was maaaaaad. 

 

Sorry for the threadjack......just rambling....but I agree with Diana...homeschool doesn't create the tension.  Just makes it more apparent.

[Arcadia]

My dad and I crash badly over academic choices. It got so bad I walked out from home as an 8 year old, After that we just do not touch academics. I am in my 40s and my dad is 30 years older, we get along better than my husband does with his parents. His parents are nice but our boundaries are different. For example, my in-laws came to visit and stayed with us for more than a week. My refrigerator and freezer contents were rearranged. My MIL cooked whatever my FIL wants to eat but enough for five adults, we ended up with plenty of leftovers after every meal. My kids end up eating plenty of cheese and crackers because MIL tends to dominate the entire kitchen so my picky kids can't cook their own meals. Even my chatterbox boy was silent when my in-laws were with us. He usually talks all day.

 

My kids had a hard time the first year we homeschooled. In our case, kids want to be in school but there was none they liked. So there was frustration on their side about social outlets rather than homeschooling. Like my DS12 just bugged me because he woke up an hour earlier than his usual and he is now bored and lonely. We'll be going to the library later to cheer him up. He is supposedly an introvert but asked me to sign him up for a paying math social event in May the minute he saw the advertisement. This year is another rough year as he only have one outside class, everything else is online. We had a good year when he had four outside classes so he gets to see four groups of kids and had lunch breaks and/or recess with them. Now I am looking at summer camps to fulfill his social outlet needs.

 

My cousins are all public schooled. With all the head strong personalities, let us just say my relatives have strong sympathies for their kids' and grandkids' teachers.

 

My mom is also very head strong. We just agree to disagree and get along very well. I accompany her for vacations, doctors visits, shopping, opera houses because we enjoy each other's difference in opinion. However we do enjoy time away from each other. It is a balance of time together and time apart.

[creekmom]

My daughter went to public high school her freshman year after being homeschooled through 8th, and I was just thinking this morning about how much better our relationship is now that I'm not her teacher.  Our talks now center around her friendships, growing up, etc. where before, it was always, "Did you finish ______, did you correct ________, you didn't do well on __________, etc.   She even told me once, " Whenever you talk to me, it's always about school!"  Ouch.  I didn't want it to be like that, but I was soooo stressed I wasn't preparing her for high school.  I seriously stayed awake at night worrying that she would struggle trying to keep up in a regular classroom.  Well, fast forward to now (she's a sophomore) and has a 4.3 weighted gpa and 4.0 unweighted gpa and has taken every AP class they'll allow.  Amazing!!  She studies constantly, her teachers adore her, and she's even on the academic team!!!  

 

Would she have done as well here at home for high school?  Not a chance.  She didn't care about impressing me.  Putting her in public school brought out the competitive side of her (and the side that wanted to impress teachers who weren't related to her)!  Every mother/daughter relationship is different, but I can honestly say we both enjoy being around each other so much more now  that I'm just "Mom".

Edited January 19, 2017 by creekmom

[Cinder]

We decided to send ds1 to private school for high school because homeschooling was straining our relationship. Back then ds1 had a black/white mindset and we figured out later that he needed his teacher to be separate from his parent. Does that make sense? For example, when we went over math errors he took it more as harsh criticism from his parents rather than as us trying to help him learn how to do the problem correctly. Once he went off to school it was a big change. He was more willing to ask us for help when he didn't understand something because now we were on the same team--us vs the teacher.

 

He moved away from home at the beginning of the school year--he's a college senior--but he visits often. I'm not sure we'd have as good a relationship if we'd homeschooled high school.

[TammyS]

Homeschooling can be the venue in which conflicts in the relationship emerge.

 

Yup.

 

It's just like in marriage.  When you hear two people fighting over some stupid thing, and you can't believe how ridiculous they are being over something so relatively minor.  That's because people like to fight about topics, rather than issues.  The topic could be "you didn't pick up the dry cleaning" but the issue is "you are unreliable and I resent being married to someone that I can't count on".

[wendy not in HI]

The number one reason we sent our kids back to school was because of the tense relationship between dd2 and I.  She is an awesome kid, but she just could not work with me.  She was great for other people, but very difficult for me.  Even when she went back to school (middle school age) she was difficult for me, but great for her teachers.  I would hear things like "she is so thoughtful and kind to others"  "what a sweet, cheerful girl" etc. And I would wonder if we were talking about the same child. 

 

Things got somewhat better through high school, she grew up some and I backed off and did my best to not push her buttons.  She is in college and doing great now, and I think our relationship is stronger because I didn't homeschool her.  I honestly cannot imagine surviving middle school with her at home.  I know it sounds bad, but everyday was a fight - from the time we were reading together at 5 years old until the time she went to school for 5th grade...  It probably would have been better for us if she had gone to school earlier.  

 

Her older sister and younger siblings were easy peasy to homeschool, but I felt like it would be wrong to just send the difficult child to school and keep my "favorites" at home.  They all have done well in school.  I have missed homeschooling, but there is a lot of joy in everyday life and learning even when the kids are in school.  

 

eta - I don't think I have "favorites". Each is different and wonderful in their own way.  And even with all the struggle, I think secretly we are the most alike (maybe that's why we struggle...)

Edited January 19, 2017 by wendy not in HI

[Crimson Wife]

Outsourcing core academics to the community college drastically improved my relationship with my oldest. She was resentful about things that I had no control over (the stupid UC a-g requirements) and I was sick of having to play the bad guy enforcing them. She would whine, "But when am I ever going to use this in real life?" and the answer was, truthfully, "Never, unless you go into a STEM field. You just have to do this because it's a hoop to jump through to get into college." We were both happier when we made the decision for her to do the CC-and-transfer route. The general ed requirements make sure she has a well-rounded education but there is a LOT more academic flexibility in satisfying them.

[momacacia]

Over Christmas I had a chance to converse with DH's sister who now has elementary kids in online K12 but they're going to ps next year. Dh and all his siblings were homeschooled. Much of her reasoning for putting ber kids in.school was that she, and she thinks her younger sister would agree, that they didn't get a very good education at home...didn't do as well in math as could have, etc. Having gone to private school and being I am sure weaker in math than she is, I found this particularly amusing.

 

But, as Sadie said above, SIL is youngish and is blaming her parents for her choice to not homeschool and because she now has to brush up on math to take the GRE.

 

"Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting." Brene Brown

[Or what method of schooling we choose]

[Bluegoat]

Some people I think just create a lot of friction.  Sometimes it happens with teachers in school as well, but - kids only need to spend so much time with them, and there are some very natural boundaries in that relationship. 

 

With a parent, there is just going to be a lot of contact no matter what, and adding in school as well might just be too much sometimes.

[Halcyon]

I thought it was ruining my relationship with my ds, then 13, now 14. He went to public 9th grade, and HATED it. He was miserable, acted miserable to us, and me, was exhausted and snappy and rude and generally horrible. Worse than when he homeschooled. 

He desperately wanted to come home, but i was very nervous. I thought I was done hs-ing, and that our relationship was in a different place, not necessarily better, yet, but i thought it might get there.

 

So we made a bargain with him. He would need to set up a volunteer opportunity, a job, all classes except the two i love to teach would be outsourced to good, rigorous online providers, and he would aboslutely LISTEN to me as the teacher during homeschool hours. (And as mom during non-homeschool hours, but that was 'different'). And he would do his absolute best in his classes-hopefully that means mostly As.

So far, it's been 2 weeks, and it's been much better. He is so happy to be home, recognizes how unhappy school was making him and how much BETTER he has it at home. Yes, I am a tougher teacher in some ways. Yes, the readings and the curricula are more challenging. But I respect him, and he respects me (at least 80% of the time, which is pretty good). I have learned from people on this board to set my minimums and expect him to meet them, but NOT expect him to go above and beyond--if that comes, it will be his choice to do so, but my 'minimums' are pretty high, and if he doesn't meet them, there will be serious consequences (no tv, no screens, no movie night with family).

 

So like i said, so far so good. The fact that he is able to sleep a solid 10-11 hours a night and workout 3-4 times a week is also a big factor in his mood.  We are getting along a lot better now--i think he recognizes the privilege of homeschooling a bit more after having had such a negative experience in public.

 

ETA: I also took the advice of wtm-ers to reserve some downtime, non-school time where we goof around, take photos together (that's our thing) talk about gaming (his love, me=bored LOL) and just hang out. 

Edited January 19, 2017 by Halcyon

[Storygirl]

All relationships are different. My children are now in school. We had many challenges while homeschooling, but one child in particular was very difficult to work with. Enrolling him in school definitely improved our relationship. He really seemed to resent having me as his teacher, and that impacted everything. He started in school in fourth grade. I think another eight years of homeschooling may very well have caused irrepairable damage to our personal relationship.

[marbel]

My daughter and I clash a lot over homeschooling.  But then we do something not school-related and everything is good again.  I wanted her to go to high school but she would not, so even though she complains about homeschool work a lot, she still wanted to do it.  She is a senior now, taking two dual-enrollment classes, so I don't have too much to do anymore.  

 

There are a lot of reasons kids and parents clash.  My sister was not homeschooled, but she and our mom had some very bad years.  They got over it.  (I realize some relationships never recover.)

 

I must admit I was relieved when she took her last math class via DE.  She has hated math in all forms since... forever.  Consequently, she doesn't do very well.  That was our biggest area of struggle. I wish I'd outsourced math years ago.  

 

[footballmom]

This thread is very timely.  I have three kids - two are older elementary / middle school and one just starting homeschooling this year.  The middle is either the sweetest or most stubborn child depending on which way the wind is blowing.  He begged us to send him to school last year for the last few weeks and he loved it.  We quickly saw personality changes that were not positive and brought him home this year.  Some weeks he's content enough but often begs to go back to school and can change the entire mood of the house with his demanding personality and expectations that I should sit next him the entire time he does his work.  Not realistic.  I worry our relationship is paying the price over this friction and I'm tired of friction to be honest.  I find myself going back and forth between completely trusting the Lord (he provided so much for homeschooling to fall into place this year) and ready to drive up to the school as fast as my car will take me to enroll him.  

[MiMi 4under3]

DS had a mini temper tantrum on the drive home from public school today because he was tired and asked me to cancel his math tutor. I said no. His face turned red and he said "I'm so frustrated right now! You know what this reminds me of, Mom? Homeschool!"  :crying:

 

And he's my sweet boy with whom I have a great relationship! I didn't ask him to elaborate, but I suspect he meant being "forced" to do schoolwork. I don't think our relationship is ruined in any way, but he definitely has memories of being angry/frustrated with me. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I don't have any advice for you, just commiseration. We've reached the point in our HSing where I think both kids would be better off in school, but between one's emotional state and the other's learning issues, putting them in would be a disaster :( So we're continuing to plug away here at home while I try not to lose my mind. I have the same long-term worries you do *sigh* I keep trying to offer them various options, but no one's biting. 

 

:grouphug: to you!

[FriedClams]

I'm going to have a little tirade here but I hope it helps.

 

I think your sister's case is likely nature versus nurture. For some people enough is never enough. Your mom might have done everything right and it just wasn't enough for your sister. There are SO MANY people like this. On the other hand, many people grow up in terrible situations and are happy and well adjusted. I think a ton of it is personality.

 

Now, with your child, do what you know is best. If it's school, enroll her. No begging. Be the mom. You can do it. Sure, it might stink for a time, but it might not. She might blossom. Either way, if it's a failure maybe she homeschool with a better attitude. You (as parents) make the call.

 

Lastly, I've given my kids (and will continue to give) the "we love you...We did everything we could in our minute wisdom to help you grow and flourish...We likely messed up a ton...we're sorry for our failures...We did our best...you have the choice of what to do with your childhood and you decide to forgive and think the best of people or let it handicap you forever...you pick." Might be time for your daughter to hear it if she hasn't already.

Edited January 19, 2017 by FriedClams