s/o, Hospitality expectations & trends in America

[Cecropia]

Spinning off of Homeschool Things You Don't Get [...].  I think that this post by Homeschool Mom in AZ is worth its own thread (emphasis by me).

 

I have too much exposure to international customs to buy into that.  People with larger families, less square footage per family member, less food to share and lower standards for cleanliness (think dirt floors and dirt roads) manage to be hospitable and invite people, even strangers, into their homes to socialize.

I host 25-30 people regularly for family events in a 3,000 sq. foot house that also has my husband's business and our homeschool in it, which is not any greater a square foot to person ratio or convenient arrangement  than a typical homeschooling family in a typical American home inviting another typical homeschooling family over.  My brother hosts the same crowd sometimes in his 2,000 sq. ft. house and we bring chairs and tables to set up in his small backyard to handle over flow. There are homeschoolers with average families in small homes with projects and stuff all around who still invite people into their homes to socialize-I've been there and seen it myself. 

Even most urban environments have a park somewhere. This generation of Americans is just less willing to be out of doors than previous generations and hospitality isn't part of America's national character in general. 

 

A little personal background... My parents each had a lot of siblings and I had oodles of cousins, just a huge extended family growing up.  A very traditional Polish family on both sides, living in the American Midwest (my parents were both 3rd generation).  We lived a few hours away from the main conglomeration, semi-isolated, but were constantly hosting family or going up there to visit or attend a wedding or a funeral and being hosted by a relative (or several).  Hospitality was all I knew-- though only a handful of my relatives were better off than lower middle class: houses were small, furnishings were run-down, linens were old and stained, but clean, mattresses were hard... Dining tables in cramped kitchens could seat four but eight of us pulled up extra chairs to play a game of rummy, right?  A meal would involve breaking out the tv trays and setting them next to any possible seat, including the beds in the bedrooms, while the kids sat on the floor with their plates around the low coffee table. 

 

In my immediate neighborhood (also lower middle class), many houses were open and welcoming to drop-in visitors.  We kids would go over for a snack at X's house, followed by playing with the new litter of kittens at Y's house, and then Mom wants me to take this sack of cucumbers from the garden over to Z who lives a block away and can't get around very well anymore, and I know she's going to want to invite me in and talk for a few minutes, because she is lonely...

 

My mom put a very high priority on keeping our house neat and tidy at all times (visitors still stressed her out though she hid it well), but most of these other houses I mention were not up to her standard and quite a few were downright dirty.  Some people were indoor chain smokers and there seemed to be a constant haze in the air and many years' worth of built-up residue on all the furnishings and floors. That didn't phase us kids much and the hosts certainly didn't seem to mind.  Any yards without an unscalable fence were a free-for-all.

 

So far, the neighborhood we live in now is closest to what I had growing up.  Lots of kids playing everywhere, in the street, in yards; boundaries are loose.  The day we moved in here there were children at the door wanting to meet my sons and play.  The neighbors are all very nice and we often greet each other in the street.

 

Even here, I feel reluctant to invite people into my own home, or to enter another person's home informally (note: I am a huge introvert and am sure that's a part of it).  I do feel that there is a general societal shift.  Is there more pressure now to have a clean, uncluttered HGTV-worthy house? Perhaps we as a nation are more self-isolating than we used to be, for various reasons.  After all, in every neighborhood we have lived in since getting married (we've mostly rented and moved a lot), this is the very first one where a good amount of our neighbors actually made an effort to meet us and keep up a more-than-cursory-relationship over the years. Is there an ingrained fear borne from all the horror stories and missing children safety campaigns that became a public obsession after the free-range childhood that my peers and I enjoyed (my kids may not be safe in another's house, other parents may fear their children coming into my house)?

 

How about you?  Is your neighborhood open and hospitable?  Do you tend to keep your house open or closed to drop-in visitors?  Perhaps the house has to first meet a certain standard for visitors?  Is it uncomfortable to accept hospitality in a cluttered, dusty, small, etc, house?  How well do you need to know someone before you feel comfortable letting your child into their home alone?  Do you feel a shift in America's character in both offering and accepting hospitality?  For those who live elsewhere, what does hospitality in your area look like today, and has it changed over the years?

[Carol in Cal.]

I think the main difference is that people just plain aren't home.  

 

[Guest]

 

 

 

 

How about you?  Is your neighborhood open and hospitable?  Do you tend to keep your house open or closed to drop-in visitors?  Perhaps the house has to first meet a certain standard for visitors?  Is it uncomfortable to accept hospitality in a cluttered, dusty, small, etc, house?  How well do you need to know someone before you feel comfortable letting your child into their home alone?  Do you feel a shift in America's character in both offering and accepting hospitality?  For those who live elsewhere, what does hospitality in your area look like today, and has it changed over the years?

 

This is an interesting topic. Glad you started this thread. I'm not sure even where to start.

 

On some front, I would say there is a level of distrust to an extent that is definitely bigger for my generation, than say my parents. The whole Catholic Church molestation explosion as well as the Boy Scouts and other high profile issues didn't help in the least.  I am much more aware that my kids odds of being molested by someone they know are far greater than by some random person snatching them off the street (not that that doesn't happen- it has happened uncomfortably close to where we live) than say my mother was. She let me spend the night with teachers and friends etc. without a second thought. (I was fine and nothing untoward every happened) That would not be the case for me- there would be more vetting for sure, than parents used to do.  But for one, you would probably never see that now- a school teacher having a group of girls over for a concert and then a sleep over. 

 

Then there are guns in houses, and parents with different rules, and porn on computers and all sorts of exposures that I do worry about more. It's not like that stuff didn't exist then when I was a kid, but I don't think my mother ever gave it a second thought. It wasn't seen as a threat.  I was the first generation of the cable kids. And we didn't HAVE cable at my house, which made my Mom more clueless of what I saw at friends' houses. But my husband and I are both very cognizant of the effect a lot of this hands off supervision had on us and we don't wish to repeat it with our kids. We don't know many people who have the same standards as we do either, which makes it more difficult to entrust them with our younger kids. Our older we don't worry about in the same way. 

 

As far as general hospitality, I guess some of it boils down to laziness. It's a lot of work having people over. We have a lot of responsibilities, but again those are easy excuses as EVERYONE has responsibilities. But we just like to tune out in our little private haven here more often than not. I'm not even sure why- we aren't antisocial, but I do think that perhaps we are becoming more so. It's more work being around people now, not in the prepping the house or anything, but as it seems people are easier to offend and you have to be more careful or what you say, or serve or anything lest you offend someone. You don't even have to TRY to offend someone anymore. It can be anything- stay at home/working mom, food allergies, religious choices, school choices, you name it. Honestly it's easier just to stay home sometimes than spend the entire time concentrating on keeping your guard up, lest you become fodder for someone's FB post or Twitter feed. It's exhausting! 

Edited January 16, 2017 by texasmom33

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm not hospitable.  I'm a major introvert though so get off my back jack.  LOL

 

 

[Guest]

I think the main difference is that people just plain aren't home.

I will disagree with hospitality not part of national character.

 

When my mom was a child in the midwest, young men were coming back from WWII. People near the train stations gave them meals and a place to sleep before they set off thru the countryside to get back home.

 

We played outside as kids. You went home for food and toilet. These days with the allergies, its still the same.

 

People still have social gatherings. Hasn't changed at all. I have had people Not allow their.child to come over, in most cases it was because of a sex offender neighbor and they didn't want trouble. We met at the park instead.

 

What I see less of is actual cooking. Its all processed food, heated up, or from a suoermarket deli.

 

What I see more of is cliques, based on religion or old neighborhood, or workplace.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[SparklyUnicorn]

yeah I agree HH

 

Just yesterday following the choir show we had a social gathering with the singers and parents and anyone else there who wanted to join us.  We do these things all the time.  So I don't host dinner parties.  So what. 

[mom2att]

I posted in the other thread that I am very introverted and therefore don't like to host gatherings. I do it occasionally, and I am even generally glad I did afterward, I just don't like to. My home is my sanctuary--having people coming and going all the time would make me crazy and unhappy. I love my fenced back yard and the fact that in my neighborhood, people pretty much leave each other alone. It's not that I don't like people, it's just that I need my space.

[Guest]

I guess I was reading it as actually having people inside your home, or going to the homes of others, rather than more formalized "potlucks" or group type organizations?? 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Feels rather judgemental to me. Like I'm lacking some sort of virtue or something. 

 

I don't like that.  LOL

[Arcadia]

Mine is a condo complex. Neighbors with kids feel comfortable to knock on my door for impromptu play dates. My home used to be baby proof but not so now as most visitors are 5 and up. I won't be comfortable for my kids to play at some of my neighbors house because of delicate furniture. I would be comfortable at others.

[FaithManor]

I do not host simply because between homeschooling a high schooler, mentoring arocket team two nights per week plus half day Saturdays, running a 4H club, and doing a lot of errand running for my mom as she deals with her ill husband, I am too tired to socialize.

 

In my neighborhood, people also have ling commutes to work since there are no jobs here in the sticks so that hurts sovializing too. Most of my friends are also sandwiched between child rearing, adult launching, and elder care. They are stressed, worn out, and have no energy or time for get togethers.

 

They are friendly people often stopping to talk on their way to their cars, asking how your family is, showing up to funerals for anyone on the community and leaving at $20 bill when they leave the dinner in hopes of helping you out a little, but even something has monumentally midwestern as a Super Bowl Party is few and far between.

[Ailaena]

I have a speech therapist come into my house every week and it stresses me out. The thought on somebody randomly stopping by is stressing me out. My house is too small, I'm disorganized, I'm probably in pajamas... But when I'm expecting people, I'll take a bunch and cram them in, no prob!

 

Since moving from my mother's house, I have never lived in a neighborhood where I knew my neighbors. Even then, I only knew a couple of her neighbors. I KNOW I'm not outgoing, but I guess nobody else is, either? There are two homes on our culdesac with kids the same age and they never play together. Our next-door neighbors have a toddler a few months younger than ours and the only reason I know this is because their relatives blocked our driveway during his birthday party...

 

My daughter's friends were from gymnastics and even though I knew most of them somewhat well, it was a while before I left her alone in their homes because I'm paranoid. And I can only recall her in a couple of kids' places.

 

I kind of wish I lived in a place where everybody knew everybody and kids were safe everywhere, but then I'm also scared because I like my privacy.

[Cecropia]

I guess I was reading it as actually having people inside your home, or going to the homes of others, rather than more formalized "potlucks" or group type organizations?? 

 

Yeah, I wasn't talking about anything organized, or having much, if any, advance warning that someone was coming.  Just having a home that is open, whether that means a neighbor kid who wants to come in and pet the dog and could he use your bathroom and eat a cookie out of the jar while he's at it (and the next time he's gonna show up with two friends and his little brother!).  Issuing an invitation to the adjoining neighbors to stop in for morning coffee sometime.  Cousin Joe who you haven't seen in several years is passing through on his way to Florida and it sure would help him out if his family could crash at your place tonight, would you mind?

 

Am I coming across as judgmental?  I mean, I'm pretty anti-hospitable myself.  I am amazed at the freedom I had as a child and I am keenly aware of how it could have gone terribly wrong on so many occasions, had there been a predator among my neighbors.  That alone makes me hover over my kids more than I probably should.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Cecropia

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah, I wasn't talking about anything organized, or having much, if any, advance warning that someone was coming.  Just having a home that is open, whether that means a neighbor kid who wants to come in and pet the dog and could he use your bathroom and eat a cookie out of the jar while he's at it (and the next time he's gonna show up with two friends and his little brother!)?  Issuing an invitation to the adjoining neighbors to stop in for morning coffee sometime.  Cousin Joe who you haven't seen in several years is passing through on his way to Florida and it sure would help him out if his family could crash at your place tonight, would you mind?

 

Am I coming across as judgmental?  I mean, I'm pretty anti-hospitable myself.  I am amazed at the freedom I had as a child and I am keenly aware of how it could have gone terribly wrong on so many occasions, had there been a predator among my neighbors.  That alone makes me hover over my kids more than I probably should.

 

Nah...

 

If I got to know someone well, they'd be welcome over any time (with advanced notice).  LOL  But no really that is what it is for me.  I have to feel comfortable with someone. 

 

I enjoy cooking for people.  A lot.  So the few dinner parities I did I spent my energies on the food.  That is the part I liked. 

[Guest]

I do think the "HGTV-perfect" idea has discouraged people from being as hospitable as they perhaps used to be. People didn't have that much information about what people in a higher social class' houses looked like inside, so there wasn't so much striving.

 

But I think it's much more than that. There was a TV commercial a while back about how social media has become a sort of substitute for actual socializing and I think that is true.

 

However, I'm with Sparkly - I'm a major introvert and feel very protective of my sacred, at-home space. I loathe drop-in visits, or even just short-notice requests for hosting kids here. I put up a post about this a year or two ago because, despite not being in a neighborhood and living on 10 acres in the woods, there is a set of twins my son's age within walking distance and they now troop back and forth most every weekend. I tolerate this (son is an extrovert), but I would be totally happy if tomorrow they moved away and never dropped in again. I just DO NOT enjoy having extra kids here when I was envisioning a quiet day at home doing my own thing.

 

I was noticing at Christmas time that I have very different feelings about what standards I need to uphold when MY family vs. DH's family was coming over. My family is way more flexible about the food and nobody would even notice if, say, they had to sit on the couch because there was no more space at the tables. Seriously, my family - I could say, "Ta-Dah! Here's the Christmas Enchilladas!" and they would just go, "Oh, yummy! I love Tex-Mex!" But in-law's? It's a lot more pressure (or perceived pressure - it could just be me). I mean if you didn't make the pie from scratch, you're going on trial for a hanging. Or so I believe.

 

Well, that was a little ramble into Quill-land!

[regentrude]

We have no "neighborhood kids running around popping into houses to use the bathroom". In our neighborhood, all families work. They are not home during the day to have kids run in and out, and there are few families with young kids.

 

I host a lot. Probably the most in my circle of friends. Two large (30-50) gatherings a year, lots of ~20 people gatherings, handful of dinner parties. I find that this is more a matter of personality than of geography or house size. A lot of my friends have larger, fancier houses. Some other people host frequently, some never. I have friends who have been to my house dozens of time and I never set foot in theirs.

We are also the go-to house for my kids' friends. Pretty much all get-togethers happen at our house. Part is location; we are in town and convenient to gather people coming from different out-of-town directions. Most of it, however, is mindset. 

[Guest]

We have no "neighborhood kids running around popping into houses to use the bathroom". In our neighborhood, all families work. They are not home during the day to have kids run in and out, and there are few families with young kids.

 

I host a lot. Probably the most in my circle of friends. Two large (30-50) gatherings a year, lots of ~20 people gatherings, handful of dinner parties. I find that this is more a matter of personality than of geography or house size. A lot of my friends have larger, fancier houses. Some other people host frequently, some never. I have friends who have been to my house dozens of time and I never set foot in theirs.

We are also the go-to house for my kids' friends. Pretty much all get-togethers happen at our house. Part is location; we are in town and convenient to gather people coming from different out-of-town directions. Most of it, however, is mindset.

The working thing is a good point and something I hadn't thought of. Most families in the US are dual income now, which is a huge shift from 40 years ago. That has to impact it a great deal. Add on activities and after school stuff and people just aren't HOME anymore to have the base relationship to make drop ins a reality maybe. In my rural little circle I'm not the only one home, as it's a little different out here, but I know many of the neighborhoods surrounding us are ghost towns during the day. The burglary rate in those neighborhoods duly reflect it too- the crooks know which are the two income neighborhoods with no one on the look out!

[Guest]

We have no "neighborhood kids running around popping into houses to use the bathroom". In our neighborhood, all families work. They are not home during the day to have kids run in and out, and there are few families with young kids.

 

I host a lot. Probably the most in my circle of friends. Two large (30-50) gatherings a year, lots of ~20 people gatherings, handful of dinner parties. I find that this is more a matter of personality than of geography or house size. A lot of my friends have larger, fancier houses. Some other people host frequently, some never. I have friends who have been to my house dozens of time and I never set foot in theirs.

We are also the go-to house for my kids' friends. Pretty much all get-togethers happen at our house. Part is location; we are in town and convenient to gather people coming from different out-of-town directions. Most of it, however, is mindset.

I'm curious about how this goes, if you can indulge me a minute. See, I actually do enjoy hosting a party, but I usually don't unless a particular ocassion warrants it. I almost never have a dinner party or party "just because". I have no problem hosting if I'm in some regularly-occurring group activity though, like a cooking club or a Bunco group. So, do you often just decide to have a party? Is it generally this same core group of friends? Does it ever bug anyone that some of the people never host?

[Random]

A little comedic break:

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0Swzvm-gXHg

 

I hope the link works.

 

It's a three-minute comedy routine about having company over. I thought of it immediately when I read this thread.

[Mergath]

I have no problem with people dropping by, but it doesn't normally happen because a) we live in a little farm town that's eleven minutes outside of the bigger town where most people live, and an eleven minute drive isn't exactly conducive to dropping by; and b) my dh works nights and our home is fairly small, which means that having people over during the day requires that either we talk really quietly or dh gets woken up repeatedly and is exhausted at work all night.

 

I do think the HGTV effect is part of it, too. I don't know how many episodes of House Hunters I've seen where a couple already lives in a perfectly lovely apartment or home, but they still spend the first five minutes whining about how they can never have people over, and their house isn't nice enough to entertain, and blah blah blah. (I really think that 90% of the stereotypes about millenials come from House Hunters.) I'm sure a lot of people look at the still very nice "before" homes and think, "Well dang, if their place isn't nice enough to have people over, mine certainly isn't." Personally, though, I think that's a load of crap. I don't owe it to anyone to have a 5000 sq ft home that's professionally decorated to meet the every whim of my guests and surround them in opulence. I homeschool and I have four cats. Not happening.

[FaithManor]

Yeah, I wasn't talking about anything organized, or having much, if any, advance warning that someone was coming. Just having a home that is open, whether that means a neighbor kid who wants to come in and pet the dog and could he use your bathroom and eat a cookie out of the jar while he's at it (and the next time he's gonna show up with two friends and his little brother!). Issuing an invitation to the adjoining neighbors to stop in for morning coffee sometime. Cousin Joe who you haven't seen in several years is passing through on his way to Florida and it sure would help him out if his family could crash at your place tonight, would you mind?

 

Am I coming across as judgmental? I mean, I'm pretty anti-hospitable myself. I am amazed at the freedom I had as a child and I am keenly aware of how it could have gone terribly wrong on so many occasions, had there been a predator among my neighbors. That alone makes me hover over my kids more than I probably should.

That just doesn't happen here. But we are rural so kids get on the school bus at 6:30 am, get off at 4:15, have homework. On the weekends they do chores and may have soccer or something in good weather, scouts or 4H. Sunday the family tends to sleep in and hang out together for the day, visit grandma, and try to get ready for the long week ahead. Both parents on nearly every household work and have significant commutes. But when weather is nice the kids do seem to ride bikea together a bit. The drop in though just doesn't happen. I think most lives are pretty heavily scheduled.

[MaeFlowers]

I'm not sure that things have changed since I was growing up on the 70's and 80's. Kids still roam the neighborhoods and go to each other's houses. On occasion, I have come across kids who can't or houses that are off limits but we had those then, too.

I would say it's more of a family culture thing than an American culture thing. Some people like company, some don't.

[Peaceful Isle]

We are having friends come over this week and they have a lot of kids. I love having company if I know them really well.

I do have guests over regularly, not because I love it, but because I just do it. I do it for my kids to play with other kids.

 

Honestly, if it were up to me, I would stay at home, with no guests, just chilling with my kiddos, eating yummy food in my pjs. Because of my dhs occupation, guests are a part of my life.

[regentrude]

I'm curious about how this goes, if you can indulge me a minute. See, I actually do enjoy hosting a party, but I usually don't unless a particular ocassion warrants it. I almost never have a dinner party or party "just because". I have no problem hosting if I'm in some regularly-occurring group activity though, like a cooking club or a Bunco group. So, do you often just decide to have a party? Is it generally this same core group of friends? Does it ever bug anyone that some of the people never host?

 

For years, I have thrown an end-of-semester bbq on the last day of class. I invite all faculty from my department, and friends from other departments, and their families. Last year we were 50. I spend the day cooking and then we grill brats.

I also have a smaller New Years Eve party for assorted friends; I invite about 30, not all come.

 

Several times during the semester, I invite all my department colleagues. Usually when DH was the one to invite the colloquium speaker, or when he gives his annual presentation about that year's Nobel prize, or when it turns out nobody had thought to throw a party for the homecoming speaker. Some semesters it is three times, there have been some where I had them over almost every two weeks. For this I do an after dinner reception from 8-10pm. Drinks and nibbles - cheese tray, veggie tray, fruit, brownies, that kind of stuff. We are about 20 people.

 

Every now and then I feel like cooking a sit down dinner and invite a group of friends. Sometimes colleagues from physics, sometimes my friends from the humanities. Dinner parties for 4-8 people. Depends on mood and time. I do fewer now that DD is no longer home; she always loved cooking and company. Sigh.

 

Oh, and then I am sometimes hosting my book club. I think I did three last semester. It involves drinks and nibbles for 3-8 people.

And impromptu invitations for dinner to individual friends. I had a friend over for dinner last week, just because.

 

It bugs me a little bit that I sometimes feel like I am singlehandedly providing our department's social life. But in the end, somebody has to do it - so I guess it is me.

 

ETA: DS has friends over for a little party about once a month to watch the UFC events together. And sometimes just because.

 

ETA: My friend who hosts parties regularly uses occasions like: finished jury duty, published a book, made it through the month of April, let's have an ugly sweater contest. There is always a good reason to party if you need one :)

Edited January 16, 2017 by regentrude

[madteaparty]

I don't think there's a "national character", more like a number of subcultures. We host dinner parties and other sort of parties but rarely does this get reciprocated. I think people don't enjoy having other people inside their homes. I understand, as I usually go overboard and feel depleted after any party we have, but we have them anyway.

[JudoMom]

I don't prefer pop in visits, and the neighbor kids aren't allowed to run in and out, but I do consider my home open otherwise.  It'll take me a few minutes to mentally adjust and figure out the details, but after that I tend to be okay.  The biggest problem tends to be food.  I plan/shop for food once a week, so I don't often have extra for pop in guests.

We do host a gathering twice a month where lunch is served (then the neighbor kids are typically invited).  We're currently at 41 people (29 are kids ages 0-18), including my family.  My house is not huge.  The adults get the table (I have leaves that lets us sit 14, and if the weather is nice the kids get the backyard, but since it's often snowing now, they get the living area and the playroom.  It's crowded, but we have great conversation and it's nice to develop relationships.  

[Reefgazer]

When I was growing up, we were a one car family with a stay at home mom and a dad who worked. We were home every evening because the money just wasn't there for sports, lessons, and other afterschool activities. Everyone on my block was in the same boat, so we had the opportunity to get together during the evenings or weekends. But now both parents generally work and no one is home during the day. Sports, lessons and other activities take up the evenings, so there is no time for evening entertainment (I think this is the same reason participation in civic leagues has slipped), families don't always live in the same town in which they grew up so they travel for holidays or weekends to visit relatives, and electronic activities consume a lot of the free time that was otherwise available for socializing.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

It bugs me a little bit that I sometimes feel like I am singlehandedly providing our department's social life. But in the end, somebody has to do it - so I guess it is me.

 

<snip>

 

I know what you mean. But I bet whether they say it or not, people appreciate it.  

 

I have people from church over a lot.  I'd like to do it more - I'm looking forward to a time when I can invite everyone to stop by on Sunday night after church.  (Right now I can't because of a kid's commitment on that night, that I have to drive for.)

 

My style and my house are more conducive to casual get-togethers.  I have an open house once a year around Christmas, and a church picnic every summer.   We have a lot of students at our church, and when they graduate and move on, I have had going-away parties.  And baby showers; lots of baby showers.  :-)

 

Most people do not reciprocate.  I think because I know a lot of students, there are two reasons:  one, they may think it's so easy for me and they can't do it as well, which is not true but I get that perception.  (It could also be money; I suspect my food budget is a bit looser.)   Also, though people seem to enjoy coming over, there is a generation gap between us so they don't consider us peers.  I love to invite people of all ages over and it rather bugs me when people seem to think they can only socialize within their age group/generation.   But I guess it may be hard to socialize with someone who looks like Mom.  I am not sure how to overcome that.  I don't think of myself as a stodgy old person (though I do know some people my age who seem old to me).

 

Maybe I should start a thread about encouraging multi-generational socializing...

[Carol in Cal.]

Another factor is that a lot of things I did as part of my school education, like PE and team sports and music and art and drama are now 'extras' that require sign ups, separate fees, and rides to and from.  These take a lot of time away from being at home.  Other than sports, those activities were incorporated into my school DAY and didn't routinely extend it, except for annual performances like one play per year, a Christmas pageant, a track meet, and a talent festival.  Kids who took instrument lessons got pulled out of their other classes during the day for them, and practiced at home.  

 

Home base is just not populated like it was back then.

[MaryMak07]

For those who don't prefer hosting: do you like being invited to someone else's house?

 

We do a decent amount of having people over for dinner (though less than we used to). Once we had a family

Over and the mom was sooooo appreciative! They were a big family and said that it was rare for them to ever be invited to dinner.

 

BUT we have also invited people for dinner where they seemed to not even want to be here. It was weird. Maybe they felt like they had to say yes to the invitation? Idk but it was awkward!

[Carol in Cal.]

My own experience was that when I was a SAHM we had people over a lot.

 

Once kids got old enough to require electronic entertainment, that kind of lost momentum, though.  

 

For a long time they would still come in good weather.  We had a great yard for kids, with newts, and edible leaves, and a high comfort level with creative play involving mud or whatever.  But gradually it got to be that we couldn't invite families with younger and younger kids over--because we didn't have cable or a gaming system, and it was just unthinkable to inflict that on children.  

 

So I started to socialize with adults only, and usually elsewhere, because people don't generally hire babysitters for someone's little informal dinner party.

[Meriwether]

I ought to have more people over. My house is often a wreck and I'm not a great cook. I do value community and hospitality, though, so we usually have someone over each month. And I try to make people feel welcome. I'm truly happy to have people over if I can get past my own inadequacies.

[QueenCat]

Hmmm........ I knock on my neighbors doors from time to time to ask something or bring something. We chat a bit, usually. And neighbors do the same to me.

[Guest]

Regentrude I sure would like to be one of your coworkers! That sounds awesome!

[Bluegoat]

I think there are a few things that contribute - and the working families thing is huge IMO.  It also squeezes the rest of people's time.  Televison, the internet, and so on.

 

 

My neighbourhood growing up was probably more friendly - there were more moms around, especially.

 

However, I wrote the comment that the post on the OP was responding too, and I think it misses a big factor.

 

Sure, some people will still invite over people to entertain.  But they aren't inviting over strangers.  Generally, they invite family, friends, people you work with, or people they have come in contact with in some other place.

 

So where do you meet these people and have a chance to see them a few times, at least, so you can get to a point where inviting them seems appropriate and not weird.  Most shopping areas and such, you don't see the same people again and again because they serve suc a large area.  Participation in clubs and civic organizations has gone down over the last 60 years or so.  People don't stay in jobs as long, their kids don't go to school in the neighbourhood.

[Bluegoat]

Our neighbourhood is pretty open for kids.  My ds7 spends a lot of time at the home of the kid around the corner.  I sometimes worry his poor mum gets tired of ds - they don't want to play here as much.  We are more crowded with a toddler and a baby, we don't have a game system, and they have a fun yard with a giant blow up slide and a trampoline. 

 

In the summer though kids run around all the yards and ride bikes in the street, so that is great.

 

It's the parents who are less friendly - not that they are unfriendly, but they don't seem to get to know each other as well.  Some of the extroverted ones do a little more.  But to me it really requirs some effort - you have to go up to their house or see them in the yard.  So gardeners and dog walkers seem to get to know the most people.

 

A few people mentioned being reciprocal.  I like entertaining and like going out.  The last few years I haven't had people over as much as I'd like.  For a while I had no table, or I can't figure out where to seat them if they have more than a few kids, or I had a baby or was pregnant.  (My house is not the easiest for entertaining for more than a small group of people - 5 seems to stretch it.)  I've worried at times that if I accept an invite and don't give one back it seems anti-social.

[Shellydon]

I host frequently, and I know every neighbor on our street.  We hold a block party annually in our front/backyard and our kids' birthday parties are large affairs in which entire families (some with 5+ children) are invited.  I am an introvert, so I need time to decompress after hosting, but I enjoy know our neighbors and making our friends feel welcome in our home.

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't have a ton of time, so I kind of just skimmed the other responses - sorry!  And I'll try to be brief, too (lol).

 

First off, hospitality =/= entertaining.

 

A lot of times, in American culture (from what I've seen), that is forgotten and the two are considered the same thing.  

 

Entertaining - I can do it if I have to, but try not to.  Mainly because it's a lot of hassle.  I don't know that I've ever really tried to 'entertain', and I don't really have any plans to change that.

 

Hospitality - I like this MUCH better.  I want my home to be a place that is open.  I want people to feel comfortable.  As it is, I don't feel panic or anything that my house needs to be clean or perfect at all times, and I don't worry about stuff like that if someone drops by.  I would love for people to drop by more often, I'm working on them.  :D :lol:  

My Gma was not particularly hospitable.  She was nice, and all that, but she was someone who worried about making sure her house was clean and neat and all that.  Then she'd apologize to someone who came in because 'it's a mess' and there was literally, like, one newspaper on the floor next to the couch where she'd been reading it.  :lol:  :rolleyes:   So the culture I grew up in was no different than what I hear a lot of people talking about here.

 

And actually, IRL I see much more of a trend toward hospitality than not.  

 

[MercyA]

I really don't like to have anyone over, and I feel badly about that. I do think hospitality is a virtue and I admire it in others.

 

This thread reminds me of something I just saw recently. There is a "hospitality directory" of 1,700 Mennonite and Brethren families who offer lodging in their homes for like-minded Christian travelers. There is a suggested donation of $10 per adult and $2 per child. Hosting or staying at one of the homes would be way outside my comfort zone, but I like the effort they're making.

 

ETA: I learned about the directory in this article, which illustrates the best kind of hospitality, I think.

Edited January 17, 2017 by MercyA

[kewb]

There are a fair amount of kids on our block. When they were all little they played together outside. The parents would talk outside. No one ran in and out of anyone else's home like when I grew up. I tried to be hospitable. I didn't care if the neighbor kids came by at all. We always invited out neighbors if we were having a bbq. The majority of our neighbors did not reciprocate. Eventually I got tired of being the only one inviting so I stopped. Everyone is still friendly outside.

I am extremely introverted but I don't mind pop ins from friends. My house won't be spotless if you pop in but I will have a smile and a snack.

 

I always think of this comedian when this topic comes up.

[school17777]

I enjoy having people over. In fact, I'm having two ladies over tomorrow morning for coffee/tea and banana bread. We spent the day putting away all the Christmas stuff and cleaning. (I still have some stuff to finish up in the morning.). I am meeting with another lady to help her with homeschooling stuff on Wed, not sure where yet, but I did offer to have her to my house - we have never met, just spoken on the phone and emailed back and forth. Her older dd goes to school with my dd, so I know she's a real person!

 

I am remember reading when I was still trying to decide whether or not to homeschool 17 years ago that the way to keep your house clean while homeschooling was to invite someone over each week. I did find that worked as it sort of forced you to keep up the house. We tried to do that at the beginning of our adventure, and probably kept up with it until we just got too busy with the kids' schedule to find time. Now, I am no longer homeschooling and half my kids are away at school. That makes a big difference in keeping up with the house - both not homeschooling and being down to half the kids. It is pretty easy for me to straighten up the house quick enough to invite someone over last minute. I have plenty of tea around that I can make a pitcher of iced tea or hot tea, depending on the person, and at least offer a cut up apple or something.

 

Actually, having someone over last minute is so less stressful to me than having a planned visit. I feel like with a planned visit, there's no excuse for everything to not be just "right".

 

I feel like I have people over more often than I am invited over somewhere, but that might be because I am more intentional about doing the invite. Kinda awkward to invite myself to their house!

[Serenade]

but I do think that perhaps we are becoming more so. It's more work being around people now, not in the prepping the house or anything, but as it seems people are easier to offend and you have to be more careful or what you say, or serve or anything lest you offend someone. You don't even have to TRY to offend someone anymore. It can be anything- stay at home/working mom, food allergies, religious choices, school choices, you name it. Honestly it's easier just to stay home sometimes than spend the entire time concentrating on keeping your guard up, lest you become fodder for someone's FB post or Twitter feed. It's exhausting!

I think this is a lot of it.

 

For me, the biggest reason I've stopped having people over is because of my messy house. But you're right, it is a lot of work to host people, too. And the food issues today are so much more significant than they were in the past. When I was growing up, and we ate at someone's house, we just ate whatever was served whether or not we liked it. Nobody asked us ahead of time what we liked or didn't like, or what we could or couldn't eat. I only knew one person with a significant allergy, and he was the younger sibling of my younger sister's friend -- nobody in my circle.

 

Agreeing, too, with the bit about having to keep your guard up. I'm always worried now that I'll say something stupid or something that sets off someone's trigger. I miss the days when I didn't worry about that kind of stuff so much.

[Serenade]

I always think of this comedian when this topic comes up.

This made me giggle.

[Liz CA]

Feels rather judgemental to me. Like I'm lacking some sort of virtue or something. 

 

I don't like that.  LOL

 

Get your denim jumper on, cook a meal and invite another family - now!  :lol:

 

My mother was super paranoid about cleaning before people came over and that took most of the fun out of things. Day long cleaning sessions before Christmas and even longer if relatives were expected for the holidays. I am trying not to copy that behavior but have caught myself thinking "cannot let anyone see how dirty the floors are."

 

We do get together with another couple regularly (at least once a month) playing board games and having a meal.

I do realize that I was more apt to invite someone over on the spur of a moment when I did not work and had more time for cleaning. Here we go again. I have to work on this.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Liz CA

[SparklyUnicorn]

Get your denim jumper on, cook a meal and invite another family - now!  :lol:

 

My mother was super paranoid about cleaning before people came over and that took most of the fun out of things. Day long cleaning sessions before Christmas and even longer if relatives were expected for the holidays. I am trying not to copy that behavior but have caught myself thinking "cannot let anyone see how dirty the floors are."

 

We do get together with another couple regularly (at least once a month) playing board games and having a meal.

I do realize that I was more apt to invite someone over on the spur of a moment when I did not work and had more time for cleaning. Here we go again. I have to work on this.

 

I don't have family.

 

(or a denim jumper)

 

It would be difficult to have a large crowd here.  My house is quite small.  Technically it's not small since we live in an entire 2 family, but like the one eating area we have is not separate from the kitchen and is small (it gets cramped when my dad comes over).  We have a couch that seats 3 and one arm chair in the living room.  AND there is nowhere for anyone to park if they come here. 

 

 

[marbel]

I don't have family.

 

(or a denim jumper)

 

It would be difficult to have a large crowd here.  My house is quite small.  Technically it's not small since we live in an entire 2 family, but like the one eating area we have is not separate from the kitchen and is small (it gets cramped when my dad comes over).  We have a couch that seats 3 and one arm chair in the living room.  AND there is nowhere for anyone to park if they come here. 

 

 

 

This is a problem I've encountered.  Even some suburban areas around here are congested.  I was amazed the first time I saw a street of houses with no driveways, no parking areas except the street, which was packed.  Driving around searching for a parking place and being late for dinner; the stress of parallel parking in tight spaces; schlepping our dinner contribution several blocks in crushing heat/humidity or bitter cold  (there are 6 days a year it's nice here).     

 

OK, I'm exaggerating a little.  And of course people who live in the city want to have people over too.  They don't owe me a parking space. Still, I just wish they would give me parking tips ahead of time the first time I come over.  Once I arrived late, flustered, and sweaty to someone's house and apologized, citing the parking problem.  The host said "oh, you could have parked at [business with signs all over the place saying no parking]."  How would I have known that ahead of time?    :wacko:

[SparklyUnicorn]

This is a problem I've encountered.  Even some suburban areas around here are congested.  I was amazed the first time I saw a street of houses with no driveways, no parking areas except the street, which was packed.  Driving around searching for a parking place and being late for dinner; the stress of parallel parking in tight spaces; schlepping our dinner contribution several blocks in crushing heat/humidity or bitter cold  (there are 6 days a year it's nice here).     

 

OK, I'm exaggerating a little.  And of course people who live in the city want to have people over too.  They don't owe me a parking space. Still, I just wish they would give me parking tips ahead of time the first time I come over.  Once I arrived late, flustered, and sweaty to someone's house and apologized, citing the parking problem.  The host said "oh, you could have parked at [business with signs all over the place saying no parking]."  How would I have known that ahead of time?    :wacko:

 

The people who live here all park on the street.  We are one of the few who have an off street parking area (in the alley).  We can fit three vehicles (but have 2 ourselves).  So the street is entirely filled with cars from the people who live here.  If it's one or two cars coming, probably there won't be an issue.  But any more than that and there is NOWHERE.  And this isn't a matter of well they'll find something a street or two over and walk.  Nope.  All the streets are like that. 

[Alice]

We host a lot of people very regularly in our home. We're part of a group that meets every other week for lunch after church that can easily become 30-40 people. We also are often the people who host the "end of season basketball party" or other events like that. We have friends over for dinner fairly regularly to play games or just hang out. Almost all family events (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc) are here and are usually 15-20 people. 

 

I"m not naturally all that hospitable. Dh is and it's because of him that we have people over so much. What I've learned from him over the years is that having people over doesn't have to be as hard as I though it did. People care more about the company and time together than the food or house. We look at it as providing a space but not that we have to create a perfect environment.

 

I agree with the idea that hospitality and entertaining are not the same. I also agree that there is a Pinterst/PotteryBarn/blog culture that makes people feel like there home and parties have to all be perfect and cute in order to have people over. I know a woman from work who throws fabulous parties. Everything is perfect. Cute invitations, amazing decorations, beautifully artfully arranged food. She has an enormous beautiful immaculate house. Her parties would make great photographs for a magazine but I've never had fun or felt particularly comfortable at them. Another friend has seven kids and lives in relatively small house (for the size of the family). We were just there on Sunday for lunch. Everyone had to pull random chairs up to different tables to find a place to perch and eat. But there was this huge assortment of delicious, quirky potluck food. Kids running around having a great time. Great conversations happening in all corners. It wouldn't have looked good on Pinterest but it was so fun. To me that's the difference between hospitality and entertaining. 

[Bluegoat]

I have noticed in the last few years some interesting trends in terms of meeting with people.  The big one is people meeting up in organized ways outside of homes.  There are a few cafes here now that do board games, for example, and there are nights when groups meet.  There are groups that go to the big outdoor skating rinks.  There is the Ladies Beer Legue, and a hatchet throwing group.

 

We have a new central library that is largely composed of public meeting/leisure space.

 

A lot of these are just open to the public.

[regentrude]

I have noticed in the last few years some interesting trends in terms of meeting with people.  The big one is people meeting up in organized ways outside of homes.  There are a few cafes here now that do board games, for example, and there are nights when groups meet.  There are groups that go to the big outdoor skating rinks.  There is the Ladies Beer Legue, and a hatchet throwing group.

 

A group of my friends sometimes meets at the pub for happy hour. And non-drinkers are welcome; I always have just a cup of tea.

Another group meets at the women's community center. The lady who runs an art studio there has regular events where you can drop in for a nominal fee, work on a little art project and have coffee, or some are BYOB. Often it's groups of friends who go together. Evening paint-n-sips are popular.

So even if somebody has a messy house or feels uncomfortable inviting people over, there are ways to socialize elsewhere.